How to Be Less Emotionally Reactive: Black and White Thinking

if you can follow this one rule you'll probably  decrease your emotional reactivity by half and   this rule isn't about willpower it isn't  about doing something that takes a ton   of energy or effort it's a rule about being  really freaking honest with yourself [Music]   when it comes to emotional reactivity emotions  are the match the initial source of ignition our   habits and our self-care and our problem solving  skills might be the wood or what maintains the   fire but how we think is like gasoline and  there's a certain type of thinking that's   especially explosive when it comes to emotional  reactivity and that's black and white thinking   now black and white thinking is when you  take a situation and you think about it in   an extreme way you push out all of the nuance  and you turn it into something as intense as   possible now you can usually recognize it when  you use words like always never perfect terrible   or like every Everything everyone nothing nobody  worst or best right The arbinger Institute calls   these horribleizations you take something and you  horribalize it now notice how in these situations   black and white thinking exaggerates the situation  so for example a husband says to his wife you   never do the dishes I always have to clean up  after you or a depressed young adult everything   is awful the world is a a terrible Place climate  change is hopeless I'll never be able to succeed   I'm no good at math or some at work right they  might think my boss is the worst Communicator or   a young mother might say I'm just a terrible  person she has it all together she's such a   saint right each time the person takes a difficult  situation and they make it horrible they use the   most extreme word never always everything hopeless  terrible so the more extreme you're thinking the   more intense your emotions will be and the more  likely you are to be depressed or anxious but   black and white thinking also makes you helpless  to escape that depression or anxiety and it's a   lie when you use black and white thinking you are  usually distorting nuanced Reality by ignoring the   good and exaggerating the bad you're lying so if  it's so awful why do we do it you subconsciously   like black and white thinking because it serves  a function in the short term and like a drug it   makes you suffer in the long term so what function  does it serve number one it justifies you so if   your wife does the dishes sometimes but not often  why would you want to phrase that in the worst   possible way my wife never does the dishes the  reason you want to phrase it that way is to make   yourself feel like the good guy and put her down  you're making yourself feel better by making the   situation worse in the long run so if your boss  has some skills some strength some talents but   struggles to communicate in a few areas why would  you want to say that they're terrible in every way   because then you don't have to put in the effort  to be assertive and communicate your needs and   listen to theirs believing that your boss is  terrible is a mental Habit to excuse yourself   from work so if math is hard for you let me  give you one more example if math is hard for   you why would you want to believe that it's  impossible for you why would you want to lie   to make a sincerely difficult situation harder  because then you're excused from trying from   putting an effort from the difficulty of hours of  studying or the painful emotions of failing a test   black and white thinking is an old habit  that protects you from painful emotions like   uncertainty and disappointment when we exaggerate  how bad things are it excuses us from action it   creates the idea that we're helpless and therefore  we do not need to act it helps us feel powerless   and thereby protects ourselves from feeling guilty  or accountable so be honest with yourself like   it kind of feels good when you can call up your  bestie and tell them that you've had the worst day   in the whole entire world and then they say oh you  poor thing but the thing is most of the time we   don't even make that call we just have that little  internal dialogue with ourselves you poor thing we   say to ourselves and we kind of like it like that  Vindication feels good now on a side note there is   a reason your brain made this fun little backdoor  excuse and it's connected to fear and the fight   plate freeze response when we're in Danger let's  say our ancestors were at war with another tribe   the fight flight freeze response shuts down nuance  and options in the brain we see the attacking   tribe as being sub-human as being terrible  as being awful human beings black and white   thinking makes it simpler to fight back to kill  them because we're not thinking of them as humans   with wives and children and parents with dreams  and loves and hurts right they're just simply the   bad guys in life-threatening situations black and  white thinking may help us make quick and decisive   decisions Simplicity is easier than dealing with  the nuanced complexity of reality and it might   help us us survive but since the vast majority of  our day-to-day decisions aren't life-threatening   black and white thinking interferes with  our emotional stability the rest of the time   so if we want to be less emotionally reactive  we need to replace black and white thinking   with something more helpful and more honest  so what do we do about it the first thing is   this rule honesty you have to be willing to  admit that black and white thinking is a lie   and that you're lying to yourself to excuse  yourself from something if you're willing to   be more honest about that then you can move on  to the next step so notice that you're doing it   notice your trigger words so 99 of the time  words like always or never are not accurate   do you have other words that you use when you're  justifying yourself just start to catch yourself   doing it write a big Post-It note somewhere  that you can see that has a list of the words   that are warning signs that you're slipping into  black and white thinking and emotional reactivity   then take a deep breath slow yourself down  [Applause] next name and emotion the emotion   might be real but the thoughts aren't so say  something like I feel followed by an emotion word   I feel angry you are not allowed to say I feel  like you're making me angry I feel like you always   attack me I feel like you never take out the trash  I'm sorry those are lies and they're also thoughts   they're not feelings they're lies because they're  exaggerated but that's not a feeling statement   right three words only I feel emotionward I feel  angry that's honest right okay next reframe the   situation speak in the gray there might be a real  problem that needs to be solved the emotion can   motivate you to take action but Extreme thinking  like black and white thinking will most likely   interfere with your ability to solve the problem  so we're gonna look for the gray here's how use   both and instead of extreme thinking now this is  an annoying purpose skill that's actually super   effective right you can feel two emotions at the  same time you can have two nuanced truths that   seem contradictory at the same time so for example  when your boss miscommunicates a deadline to you   instead of thinking he's a terrible Communicator  you could say my boss didn't communicate well and   he's also trying really hard to help our team  succeed or if you messed up right instead of   me either being a complete idiot or a perfect  worker you could say something like oh I'm I'm   basically intelligent and valuable at times  I make mistakes too both of these can be true   or if if a loved one passes away you could say  something like oh I feel so sad about the death of   my mother and I feel relieved that I don't have to  be her caretaker anymore anymore or um you know it   could be true that your wife might be insensitive  to you sometimes and she also loves you a lot   right so that's the skill of both and you look  for two parts or lots of parts of these situations   okay next look for exceptions look for counter  examples so if I have this thought oh my wife   never does the dishes you look for a time that  she did or some other way that she contributes   right look for an exception to this extreme way  of thinking or be specific speak about one single   situation so use a less extreme word so instead  of saying my boss is a terrible Communicator you   say my boss wasn't clear about her expectations  for the timeline for this assignment be really   specific right so instead of everything is  awful describe what specifically is awful   so say oh she didn't tell me the time frame so  when we get specific then we can actually do   something about a problem so like uh you could say  something like oh hey boss next time I need more   clarity about deadlines okay and then last make  sure to check for your own accountability in the   majority of situations we are playing a role in  the cycle if there's a communication problem at   work perhaps we need to work on using clarifying  statements or being more assertive if there's a   problem with chores in the marriage we may need  to consider how we're contributing or clarifying   household tasks or we need to manage our stress  levels better or you know not be so busy all the   time right there's probably something we can do  to contribute to the solution here now remember   one of the main reasons that people get depressed  or anxious is how they perceive reality when we're   able to be more flexible and intentional and  truthful in our Perceptions in our words we're   often able to escape the extreme emotions and  depression and anxiety can can lift right now   when you've been thinking in extremes for much of  your life it can be really hard to catch yourself   doing it so working with a therapist can really  help you notice and replace this type of thinking   with something that's way more emotionally  stable when it comes down to it you can change   your brain you can improve your mood you can get  better at feeling so I hope this helps thank you   for watching and take care hey this video is  sponsored by betterhelp betterhelp has licensed   professional therapists in your area and you  can reach them from the Comforts of your own   home they make it really easy to find a therapist  who you can start working with very quick quickly   they also make therapy more affordable and more  accessible so if you're interested in learning   more please click the link in the description  and you can get 10 off your first month [Music]

Channel: Therapy in a Nutshell

Views: 1,269,456

Keywords: therapy in a nutshell, emma mcadam, mental health, depression, black and white thinking, cognitive distortions

Id: j8ZsDUhc8xo

Length: 11min 34sec (694 seconds)

Published: Thu Jan 19 2023