Healing Your Marriage When Trust Is Broken - Interview with Cindy Beall: Podcast 40

you well today I want to welcome a good friend Cindy Beale to the awesome marriage podcast Cindy it is so great to have you here we love Nancy I love you and Kris we've been friends for a long time now and what a great honor it is to have you today on the podcast I am so glad to be here thanks for having me Kim well in this one we're gonna go to the book that came out a couple years ago a few years ago now I guess healing your management trust is broken finding forgiveness in restoration so in this book it's helped so many couples so many women can you talk a little bit about the book and and just a little bit about your journey and Chris's journey together yeah so in 2002 we moved to Oklahoma City area to be a part of Life Church and my husband was the worship leader at Life Church and the second our second location and one day after leading worship he'd been we'd been there for about six weeks and he just came home and he couldn't basically keep a secret anymore and so he confessed that he had been unfaithful to me over about a two and a half year period of our marriage leading up to this time and um that he was addicted to pornography and all of that if that wasn't enough the final blow was that he one of the women was pregnant and he's that he's the father and so that whole experience in situation led obviously to the darkest time of our lives and through that God began to heal us and obviously we stayed together and and God did a miracle and we submitted to God's authority and then within that first year Kim I I had I had enjoyed writing and I knew that God had called means that you will write a book about this and so that's where the book came from and it was published nine years later so we had nine years of healing and health to be able to write that book yeah what a court of accepted but that in in my practice I've used with so many women and it has just been just to someone like you and Chris to share your story so openly so honestly so transparently has impacted so many people and gives them hope so when you think about that what are some of the promises that God gave you that you're really wanted during that time um I think the biggest thing when you are faced with a betrayal like that obviously Trust is out the window there is there I mean I couldn't have trusted my husband farther than I could have thrown him because clearly I thought I could trust him and this happened and so the biggest thing that I would say happened in this journey with the promises of God was that God began to tell me look I'm trustworthy husband may not be and so you know there are people who when happened bad in their lives they might say well God let me down and God gracefully and graciously and beautifully just said no I didn't let you down your husband did and it wasn't a mean thing like you know hate your husband it was - it was just this is the fact your husband made a choice I did not make him make that he chose this and so anyway it was a beautiful thing to him to start trusting God through this you know Psalm 27 says some trust in chariots and some in horses but we trust in the name of the Lord our God and that verse is talking about you know we trust in the things that we can breathe the power and the strength and it was God that was the one I could trust and only him he is the one proverbs 3:5 and 6 says trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding and so it doesn't say trust in a man with all your heart does this person even if it's a good man I mean even if you've got someone who is amazing there's still a human being and they have the potential to let you down so this took me to a place of truly trusting in him and the second promise was in Habakkuk chapter 2 verse 3 and I'm going to prove this to you real quick it's it's so powerful and it's the verse I've stood on all these years and it says the revelation awaits at appointed time it speaks at the end and it will not prove false though it linger wait for it it will certainly come and will not delay and this is my prime as from God for the word I've been asking for I've been begging I begged for three the better part of three weeks God what do I do to my stay do a divorce what do I do and this was his word to me that look I know you don't see how I can make this good I know you have no idea how anything will ever change and I am capable and I am willing are you you know I can do this so those were the promises that God brought to me and then you stepped into those promises yep oh wow no no I mean just you know it is it's one of those things that yet we believe God can do those things and yet woman middle of pain sometimes it's hard to really embrace and trusted and and I think that's one of the things that touches so many people that that go through that after they find out their husband or wife has had an affair of those days of darkness and and what do I do and knowing that God can heal especially if you have a spouse that responds like Chris did that they wanted it to heal that wanted for them one to do whatever it took so as if you guys walked through this interactions from family and friends some positive some negatives so so if you were going to give counsel to someone who's made their child or their adult child or good friend was walking through what are the things to say and not to say to a couple that's going through this you know I think I would tell them to be there and but to not offer too much counsel you know Chris and I were in a kind of in a bubble we had people around us that we didn't really know anybody like I said we had only been in Oklahoma for six weeks so we really didn't have any friends but we had a mentor couple that was on staff and they walked us and then of course Craig Groeschel our pastor was there with us and a few other really close-knit individuals that felt called to help us and so we were kind of in a cocoon almost and so I would just say that if it's your child or so you know daughter son walking through this know that your words will go far with them and so be very careful what you speak because it could be it's easy for you to say what you would do in the situation until you're there and so just love them try not to make life to where it's too it's putting more demands on them like don't say things like well let me know if you need anything I mean they're ones and shambles just if you have they have small children you know say hey I'm going to come take the kids for the afternoon or hey would you guys need some time to talk or whatever it is and that those are some things but I will tell you this and one of the leaders at our church Kevin Henry and I was in a frantic place you know when when your world is turned upside down like mine was I wanted to know immediately God what do I do I wanted to decide today because I'd been made a fool was it to be made a fool any longer and I didn't want to waste any more time that was in my mind and so he looked at me and he said have to decide the rest of your life today well that was probably one of the most crucial pieces of advice that I clung to and brought me so much peace and so if you're that parent and your close friend of someone who's walking through this they're offered the help you can and then I'm just encourage them okay let's take this a day at a time yeah I forever don't don't decide when your emotions are but you know up here so yeah and I think one thing I thought of is your thing you don't wanna get in God's way either and I think sometimes people are very well-meaning trying to be caring and yet you know somebody could come alongside you and said well of course you need to leave you and and just get like that yeah and get in the way of what God has done and could possibly do in anybody's life like that so yeah so you had good people um Chris being in ministry and the consequences that came with that like the job loss what about that part of it working through that that might helpin happen to some people just the consequences that come and how that affects you and how you work through those things yeah some people you know confessing or being found out with with an adulteress fare it's not going to affect their job you know it's not if you're in sales or I don't know if your school too or something I mean well don't not people don't find out then it may not affect things but when you're a pastor at a church and you're looking worship in front of thousands of people every week it's gonna affect it and so Chris resigned I mean he didn't really have an option but they were graceful enough to let him resign which he wanted to he knew that that was the next and so we it was brutal Kim um you're not only did we lose our livelihood so our livelihood is also our ministry so everything I mean I'm singing on stage because I would sing with Chris and I'm singing with him one day and the next day my world is totally I'd not only do I not have the ministry I don't have the security of a paycheck or health insurance or what are we going to do next how are we going to do just moved here we just bought a house we had closed on our house four days before his confession and so you know just everything is upside-down and there's a lot of consequences I would just say God is faithful we trusted him we didn't understand we didn't know how it was going to work there were we did go into some debt financially which we didn't want to but it wasn't because of overspending it was under earning everything in our power to try to get back out of that but you know God was faithful and um even through some moments of going into debt he was still faithful and would send a cheque when we needed to and then he provided jobs for us which didn't pay as great but they provided we didn't have a lot but we feed ourselves and take care of our son and and we could feel and that was what we needed was a situation to heal in the scenario yeah I think most couples certainly not a job loss but usually couples I work with there seems to be something else that's compounded maybe they have teenage kids and the kids are having to deal with it so it seems like the very few couples I would think would have the opportunity to deal with something like this without any other distractions absolutely and you know our son what are we only have one son at the time and he was only three so we didn't have quite that much to do with them but it's there's just a lot of consequences from our actions that you know are sinful actions there are consequences and it's it's hard sure absolutely um if you talked a little bit about the people that came alongside you guys what about counseling what did you learn through that and was counseling helpful absolutely you know um Chris had a counselor specifically his name is Robert wall and he really walked Chris you know I know Kim you know him and he walked Chris through so much individually and it was so powerful to help Chris because you know this I mean try to heal a marriage when you've got two unhealthy people it's not really the way to go you got to find health and so Chris was doing that and I was doing that and then we came together and of course not only counseling but we had a mentor couple who was walking us through and they were just there you know even if they didn't have new answers or new advice every day it was just their presence and their names are Jim and Beth Kuykendall and we just we would not be here today without their influence in our lives so counseling you if you don't think you needed in such a difficult circumstance yeah you're fooling yourself it's a very title I agree I think and I think the things that you mentioned are very important finding a mentor couple of if you can if someone can find a couple that's willing to do that or through their past or have someone the recommend someone would be huge I think what you said about both I've been needing to be healthy and I and I see that a lot both of you need to need some help individually besides what you did together so I think all those pieces were really important in the couple's I see that do those things seem to have a much better nothing God can't do all of it on his own the gut fits people in in our lives and I think God put some incredible people in your guys lives because I know everybody you mentioned and they're just I just have great admiration for those people and the gifts that God's given them and how they surrounded you guys and made such a difference and I think that um what we had in our healing journey was not really normal there's a lot of people who were like I wish I had that and then I really do believe now this was 2002 when I searched the internet for books help me one of the reasons God said to write one is cuz I I was having a hard time finding things about this because people who wants to talk about their husband cheating on him getting a woman pregnant and having a pornography addiction while he's a pastor yeah who was a talk about that but sadly Kim no I get emails just like you do they're everywhere I mean if your marriage has not been affected by infidelity someone close to you has absolutely what marriage may not have been I dunno a best friend a sister someone and it's just rampant and so that's so I know that God provided that network of people to help Chris and I heal well so that we could steward our story and offer hope because sure I could have walked away from the marriage and divorced and I could have found a lot of blessings from God after that but I believe God had something else in store and cigar stayed well I think your story because of all the things that went into it with especially even have a child coming coming out of that where I think people realize that gosh God did that and so he can do so much and I think resources are I hope there's more resources now that when you guys first went through that because and I think because the fact that there are so many Affairs and people realize and we need to help people with that and I would encourage people to certainly take advantage of a resource out there cuz your book and others but a mentor couple people that will walk around you pray for you people that you trust and I had it's interesting I had a lady come in I think it's last week and she isn't horizon's' on the fair the struggle some things and but she had like in the last month like two or three friends going through this and she looked at me and she said is this an epidemic thing I thought you know yeah I think it is it is and I think that's where the enemy is attacking Christian couples so strong now is is our marriages and we gotta fight back and you guys did well at doing that what about extended family people in your lives of what how did you handle what they were dealing with is you and Chris we're dealing with things well we exposed this to everyone it was there was no secret I mean it was a pretty public thing Pastor Craig spoke about it from stage of the week after not he didn't get all the details but he let people know of his unfaithfulness and so they could come behind him rally behind us in and and cheer us on and help us and they did and it was a beautiful representation of what the body of Christ should do you know a lot of times we kick people to the curb when they sin and we really need to be the church has to be a hospital um and that's what they were to us instead of you know a judgement Center so it was really they were not a courtroom they were a hospital which we but as far as um you know our family um man it was hard to to tell them I remember Chris telling his dad and crying on the phone and his dad was so so loving and kind and and you know it was a it was beautiful of course they were heartbroken my mom was sad but I will say they they handled it really well and they did not call us and go get mad or say I would do this differently and Chris when he finally did see my mom face to face he did apologize to her and for hurting her girl you know yeah my father's passed away so he didn't deal with that but you know he even apologized to my brothers and so you know I think it's just um it's not it can't be the wounded couple's responsibility to help their families extended families heal now your children that's a different thing because it's immediate it's right there in your home but you know I just it can't be I mean if I lose a child I my mom is not gonna expect me to help her heal from the loss of her grand job he's going to hopefully find people to help her you know so that she can be supported to me that's the way it should be in this kind of lost me the losses are not the same but it's still a significant loss to have a marriage betrayal so that's what I would just encourage people to just it's not your responsibility make sure every else is okay or your healing will be stunted I think you so much wisdom in that we can't need it enough to just take care of yourself and what you're trying to get healthy through this you just can you and like God take care of those other people since you guys have been so wonderful transparent about all this stuff and obviously over the years since the book so many people have reached out to you about their own marriages it is you hear people's stories how do you keep from reliving your own hurts and pain every time somebody writes you Kim you know that phrase there's water under the bridge that's I have told this story and shared this story hundreds of times in the last fourteen years and I I can joke about it now because it's like said it's been 14 years but sometimes I'll be meeting with someone and maybe they don't know my story and I'm like telling him and I'm like oh hey did you want to order lunch real quick so like I can shift you know from telling the most devastating thing that I've ever walked through - oh did you need key lime pie and they're like what they they're surprised so tremendous healing has occurred and one of the things that I stand on and believe wholeheartedly and I take it straight from Scripture is that we want to heal in our lives of a certain event or circumstance I believe there is a level of healing that won't occur until we minister out of a place of great pain mm-hmm and so second Corinthians you real quick Corinthian says in chapter 1 verse truth or it says praise be to the God and father of our Lord Jesus Christ the father of compassion and the God of all comfort who comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves received from God and my mentor Beth gave me this verse like two or three weeks into our story before I had even decided to stay married and she said and I really wet and I knew that God said you will help other people and so that's why I tell the story and I believe that because we have helped others or it was tried to help others and inspire other people God has brought more healing and so when I do tell the story I don't go back I mean like I can go back mentally but like my heart doesn't go back because I really you know someone said that you know some you've healed from something when you can look back on it and it's a fact hmm I'm not saying that you know have another significant loss and you look back and it still hurts a little bit that you haven't healed that's not what I'm saying but like I really do feel like I have really healed from this and that Chris and I have both healed tremendously so I think that ministering out of that place that once brought terrible pain has brought a tremendous amount of healing in our lives no that's powerful yeah the lady tell me one time she was describing hers and she said you know it was such an open festering wound for so long and now that's a little scar if there's a reminder yes it happened but it's not it's not the pain that was there at one time which i think is just a tribute to God and what he can do in his power of healing and you know the whole I mean basically what I'm saying is this is our spiritual pay it for forward obligation according to this first and so it's why the mother who lost a son to drunk driver is now helping with legislate you know it's why someone who's experienced a limb loss and now they're ministering to other people who are losing a leg or an arm so it's just that whole ministering out of a place of great pain that really does propel our healing to a deeper level mm-hmm absolutely well if you guys have healed moving back into ministry Chris is now the campus pastor at the largest Life Church that there is your ministry has just exploded what was it like moving back in the ministry it was slow um there was an eight from the time of his resignation till the time he was hired back on just as a team member it was 18 months and so during that period like the speed of healing that God did in that 18 month period is remarkable and I contribute it to not something that we did as you know we're such great Christians but we truly said okay God we lay it all down we will do anything you call us to do and so that's what we did we really did surrender and so you know people say oh I can never do what you did and I mean let me tell you surrendering was the hardest part you know mustering up that to be able to finally stop white-knuckling whatever it is you're doing uh-huh and so I'm telling you it was it was a brutal process of surrender and once we did the healing happened so we joined he came back on the team I was actually on the team for about a two-year period I worked in a fine at the finance department at lunch my part was just a smaller part and then he came back on and it was just in a role kind of an associate role just kind of getting his feet wet he was under art his mentor Jim was his boss and just kind of gradually and within about a little over a year he actually became a campus pastor and what's really cool about that is he he was the first job he did as a campus pastor was at the campus where he fell and so God he fell in ministry and was restored to the same stage and people were just gracious and loving him I'm sure there might have been people who didn't agree with it but overall the voice was all right we kicked Satan in the rear and you know pat down you know you know it slow I may have you know some people may think it was a little quick maybe I probably recommend a little bit more time in the crock-pot to cook some of that healing but you know journey yeah then obviously God knew what he was doing through the whole process so people that might be listening today that are going through an affair right now going through that grief what is your prayer for them you know my prayer is um that they would both be all in um I sadly I've talked to so many women and even few men mostly women reach out to me talk to so many where they're in or and their husbands not or I visited I get it email from a man across the country and he's like can you call my wife she won't stay with me and my hands are tied our hands are tied as people who pour into people you know that that someone doesn't want it I mean it's really hard to you can't get him to want it they got him yeah oh my prayer is that the individual would be willing to look at themselves and say what did I contribute to the condition of the marriage where think what happened because I even even though I didn't do anything in this harrods fiasco that we walked through I didn't cheat I wasn't into porn but I looked back what have I contributed for the nine years leading up to this that could have been a part you know could I have done something different and I did find things in myself I was an enabler and so had I not or had I chosen to stay my ground a little bit with him and maybe confront him he may not have gone to that deep dark place it's not like it's not my fault he did it's just what are some things that I could have done differently so I would just encourage couples to be all in and let God do the healing work because it is possible but it is a slow process hmm absolutely Sooni all your information will be in the talk notes but if people want to contact you how do they find you yeah you just go to Cindy Beale comm if it's for speaking purposes you can contact my agent her no emails on there and just connect with me there yeah a lot of good stuff there thank you so much for spending time with us today and being on loss of marriage podcast pleasure thanks Kim

Channel: awesomemarriage

Views: 51,842

Rating: 4.8003325 out of 5

Keywords: counseling, Kim Kimberling, Dr. Kim, Dr. Kim Kimberling, Awesome Marriage, therapy, advice, family, couple, tannerherriott, Secrets to an Awesome Marriage, divorce, marriage, marriage counseling, love, cindy beall, affairs, healing your marriage, chris beall, trust is broken, god's plan, infidelity, what to do when your spouse has an affair, christian marriage affair, how to heal after affair, healing marriage

Id: 6KMijIMUV9U

Length: 26min 26sec (1586 seconds)

Published: Tue Aug 23 2016