How to Deal with Your Partner’s Sexual Sin

your long-term boyfriend or long-term girlfriend or fiance or spouse this is the kind of thing that they actually ought to know because it actually affects them [Music] how many's father Mike Schmitz and this is ascension presents so recently I've gotten a number of emails or people contacting me maybe even some some in-person conversations with couples basically and one of the questions that has come up one of the issues that has come up I'll just give you a description here's Jack and here's Jill Jack and Jill have been dating for X amount of time we'll say like a year two years somewhere in there and when they first started dating they were they said we really want to be honest with each other about a lot of things about everything right and so what about well we'll say it delicately our in delicately I'm not sure we'll just say it where are you at with pornography and masturbation where are you at with impure images and impure actions alone right and they had that conversation and jack or Jill says oh not a problem no big now that's not yeah that's not that's not part of my life then they keep dating for say a year year and a half and then at one point jack or Jill says to the other person okay um I have to confess something to you this is a part of my life now whether it's a small part of my life and occasional part of my life or like a bigger part of my life that's that's up for debate but here's jack or Jill then here's this news and it's like wait a second what do I do with this because there's two issues one is because you weren't honest with me originally and I've been kind of entering into this relationship and growing with you maybe under some false pretenses what do you do with that the second thing is what do we do now because this is a part of your life I don't know how do I know that I can not just trust you to be honest with me but trust you in this particular area so I see two issues right here right the two issues are up to this point have you been lying to me is that something I can get past does that that kind of eats away chips away at trust the other is can I trust that you are growing can I trust that you're doing something about this in and not bringing this into our relationship the difficulty comes from the fact that in our country I think the average age of anybody maybe boy or girl doesn't matter that they see pornography is around fleas seven years a of age or eight years of age it starts so young and and because why because pornography in our in our culture in our country has the three A's it is available it is affordable it's typically free and it's anonymous and so we this problem in that problem is that it's everywhere around us every one of us has been affected by this also has this other issue that is it's a bit embarrassing or that impure actions with oneself are particularly embarrassing are particularly shameful so now you have this conversation you just started dating this person and like okay you've been dating for a a month and you seem like a great person where kind of this is getting seem more and more serious um say does this thing that you potentially have some embarrassment about and some shame over is this part of your life the natural reaction for I think virtually anybody would be able to would would be tempted towards this missing that nobody very be tempted towards saying like no this is not a part of my life not because I wanted to see view but because I'm not ready at this point to trust you to the point of vulnerability now should a person be upset about that like should the person who was deceived essentially or lied to to be upset about that they have a right to be obviously we all have a right to be upset when someone doesn't tell us the full truth but this is a kind of occasion where it is not necessarily the case that the other person was said like I had a right to the truth is it lying if the other person doesn't have a right to this particular truth we're dating are you kidding Bama right to know this they might have a right to know this ultimately but if it's been we've been dating a month and be dating two months trust still has to grow it to a place where we can actually know that I can be vulnerable with you especially think about this consider this jack or Jill who's who brings who says who has this as part of their life this is likely one of the things that they are more embarrassed about or more ashamed of out of anything else in their in their life possibly and so in this scenario it is a bit premature to have that kind of conversation now to have the conversation that says like hey I strive for a life of purity and do you strive for a life of purity too like yes and then to talk about things like this like that's a good thing you're kind of getting to know the person but to kind of essentially be put on the spot after dating for a month or two months is possibly too soon to know that the person is going to be entirely honest entirely vulnerable with the other that make sense if Jacko Jilla coming to me saying what do I do with this they lied to me I would say well let's do this first thing first let's take this with a grain of salt let's give some benefit of the doubt and let's acknowledge that this is probably something that they carry a lot of shame about and this is something they carry a lot of embarrassment about and now they have told you the truth so what do you deal with that okay so that's the first thing it's like okay should I be mad well you can you have the right to be mad or have you hurt you have a right to be hurt but also we have to ask the question did I have a right to know that two months in or did that was that expecting too much vulnerability too soon two months in the second part is what do I do with it now and I would say this I would say now that you've had that trust you have that vulnerability with each other the next step is how do I know if I can trust this person well question are they doing everything in their power to be free of this people say what should I be their accountability person I would not recommend that right away I don't think necessarily a romantic partner should automatically be the accountability person for the other I think that if you're a guy you should have a guy who is your accountability person if you're a woman you should have a woman that's your accountability person because you still might break up now if you're married to each other maybe that is the case we're engaged to each other maybe that is the case where your spouse or future spouse is your accountability person but at this point in your life right it it sometimes can be too heavy of a weight to bear as a as a boyfriend or a girlfriend but I have to keep them in the loop I think what I need to do is I need to keep them in the loop so two things I need to find some accountability and I'm not talking about optional accountability I'm talking about automatic accountability that a unified don't want to be accountable with this person I have to be so that's one why I always recommend covenant eyes then covenant eyes is fantastic because like it or not you put it on your devices on your computer on whatever it sends an email to that accountability person even if you didn't want to be accountable in this particular moment it sends that information to that person so a accountability and then be you bring the other person in the romantic person you bring that a girlfriend a boyfriend in on this and say if we're going in trust we're growing in vulnerability I need you to know here's how this last week has been here's how this last month has been because they need to know if they can trust you they need to know you're doing everything in your power to be able to be free because that's the thing is like why am i making a big deal about this particular sin in romantic relationships is because this particular sin distorts romantic relationships it actually is directly it directly affects romantic relationships your long-term boyfriend or long-term girlfriend or fiance or spouse this is the kind of thing that they actually ought to know because it actually affects them they should know they should be able to prove to them until trust has been clearly established that you're doing everything you possibly can to get free is it a deal breaker that's that's the ultimate question is this a deal breaker it doesn't have to be if I can say okay the reason you didn't tell me the truth right away is because yeah it's a big deal but now you're telling me the truth and I can get past that and secondly if I can say okay I can see this I can see you're doing everything you possibly can to be free of this so then trust can continue to grow Kentucky and Trust can continue to be regained in our relationship can continue to move forward I think those are really simple their basic I don't think is asking too much to see someone to ask that someone does that and anyways that's what I think let me you know actually you can write write write in the comments like what do you think like is that like completely crazy is this completely way off the mark and I completely missing it what do I say at the end Oh for almost here - such a presents my name is god I'm like god bless you

Channel: Ascension Presents

Views: 240,843

Keywords: sexual sin, your partner’s sexual sin, Fr. Mike Schmitz, Fr. Mike videos, fr. Mike on lust, fr. Mike on sexual sin, Catholics and lust, masturbation and pornography, masturbation, pornography, pornography and the Catholic Church, masturbation and the Catholic Church, relationships, Catholic relationships, theology of the body, tob, Ascension Press, dealing with your partner’s sexual sin, your boyfriend’s sexual sin, your girlfriend’s sexual sin, sexual immorality, impurity

Id: r3PcVAOogVU

Length: 8min 49sec (529 seconds)

Published: Wed Apr 22 2020