Preparing for Marriage with Fr. Mike Schmitz

marriage is not a contract so one of you probably all you probably heard people say things like um we don't need to get married because I don't need a piece of paper to prove that I love this person and maybe you've even said that kind of thing and the church will say you're right you don't need a piece of paper to prove you love someone that's a contract and a contract is really good contractor is super helpful a contract is what a contract is an agreement for an exchange of goods or services based off of a condition so contract is an agreement for an exchange of goods or services based off a conditions so if I need to re-roof the house the contractor comes over contractor and um there's a contract and the contract says uh give me this much money I will re-roof the house then you pay me this much money great in agreement for an exchange of goods or services based off a condition and the condition is if you don't re-roof the house I don't owe you money and if you don't pay me the money I won't reof the house like so if you don't do your part I don't have to do my part and that's the great thing about a contract is again agreement for exchange for goods and services based off a condition and too many people go into marriage with that idea now a lot of times people are deep like these folks you're deep and you're like so you might hear like the idea of like having a contractual approach to marriage and you're like no no no I don't have that cuz the the shallow version is well as long as you stay cute I'll keep coming home like that that's shallow and like no no no I'm deeper than that okay how about how about this deep how about as long as you stay as long as you're kind to me I'll be kind to you as long as you're patient with me I'll be patient with you as long as you're faithful to me I'll be faithful to you and we start getting to those places is then even deep couples are like well that's kind of where I'm at like if they're not faithful to me then I don't have to be faithful to them if they're not faithful to me this marriage is over that's a contract mentality when it comes to marriage because a covenant mentality is what God reveals to us in the Bible and the Covenant is if a contract is an agreement for an exchange of goods or services B I'll do this for you if you do this for me based off a condition a covenant is an exchange of persons that's unconditional basically God says I'll be your God you be my people that's it I'm yours and you're mine and so when a husband and wife or man and woman stand before each other to get married they're not saying I'll do this for you if you do this for me in fact actually my my uncle my uncle uh used to work out in Hollywood before he passed away he was uh you know the TV show Full House yeah yeah so he was one of the writers for Full House and Sister Sister he did that he's got a couple different Hallmark uh Christmas movies it's just awesome anyways so but he uh is if you know remember Full House how like there's all one line everything's oneliner so he got married outside the church where he and his wife wrote their own vows and so all of his vows were a joke it was like and and Michelle I'll do this if you do this and I'll do this if you do this and it's everyone's just laughing it's super funny and uh I me I remember laughing at the time too I thought it was hilarious but then realizing oh every one of his vows was a condition man even though it was funny even though it was entertaining even though there was some meaning to it every one of the vows was a condition versus when you get married in the Catholic Church there there's no condition you just say I jack take you Jill to be my wife and I Jill take you jack to be my husband I'm yours and you're mine and the realize is that even if you walk away even if you don't do the thing you said you would do we're still married because there was no there's no you can't actually void a covenant you can void a contract but you can't void a covenant and and you know Chesterton talks about this Chesterton said he said people get so mad at the Catholic church because the church forces people to promise forever when they get married he says but wait a second that's what love wants to do like love wants to promise forever so even if you weren't in the church you would want if you got married You' want to promise forever because love wants I mean so I always joke with our couples and say it'd be like me saying okay here's what I have I have the the three different ver versions of the vows I have the three-year vows the seven-year vows and the vows now don't make any quick decisions just like pray about it talk about it let me know which vows you wanted to give next time you come back and if someone would someone were to say like I like those seven-year vows the other person says well I I'm not I'm not here to give you my 20s like that's not I'm promising you my 20s I'm promising you either I want to love you for the rest of my life no matter what or we need to go separate ways because that's what the human heart wants and the crazy thing is human heart also wants what unconditional love where do you have the opportunity to actually love someone unconditionally the promise that no matter what happens I will love you unconditionally without a condition I can never void no matter how bad you leave fail it will never actually void my love for you socent of matrimony and so the deepest heart deepest desire of the human heart actually the church gives you a way to promise that and gives you a way to live that out love wants to make a vow and have that total commitment in love wants to be received I want that other person to be committed to me that's what we're longing for and then heavy heavy part about that is then even if that person walks away even if save the other it's a risk it's a huge risk because the person who Covenant himself to you they might just change their mind and to realize that if they change their mind and walk away you're still married if they change their mind and walk away and get married to someone else you're still married to them that means that even if they walk away you're not free to date you're not free to pursue any romantic relationship you're a married person and your your spouse happens to live somewhere else and that's the heaviness because the great part about it is oh my gosh you're made for this this is incredible and this is the risk but that's the part of it too is that one of the things we realize in we keep accenting this when it comes to matrimony I don't know how many different weddings I've been part of where it's like what you're watching is you're watching two people risking their entire future for this person sitting next to them that's what that's what happening every time someone gets married they're risking they have no idea they know that the person they're marrying is a flawed human being they know the person they're marrying is broken they know they're broken and yet they're saying if this doesn't work nothing will work yeah and it's a big risk you worry the other person could leave but you know I think many Catholics could come together and go I don't think the other person is going to leave they have some confidence but there's still a risk of this other person is going to hurt me yeah this other person's going to let me down this other person's going to make mistakes and uh I'm going to be frustrated and and that's I think that's the reality of married life and you're constantly being invited in those moments to actually love so I just I we we just gave a talk on marriage earlier today actually and I shared a story uh just that I wrote Beth a letter recently just I left left it on the yesterday yesterday really recently really recently yeah and I and one of the lines was I just said you know I was just very I was in prayer and I just thought I'm going to write my wife a letter here he doesn't do that every day yeah this doesn't happen every day I wish I wish but I but in the letter I was just thanking over a number of things but I said and I want to thank you for being so patient with me when I was so impatient with you and and I think that's something in in in marriage going back to the contract thing if marriage is a contract it's like well I'll be I'll be kind to you if if you're kind to me and I'll be patient with you if you're patient well I I I wasn't patient with my wife recently uh and and I apologized and but she was very patient in the way that she handled it like she didn't just get why are you being this way you know she just came and was calm and just said you know are you sure you want to she called me on it but in a very gentle way but that that's the real stuff of married life and the word vulnerable which you're talking about the vulnerability it hit me recently like you get back to the roots of that vulnus means to be able to be wounded yeah so we like to praise vulnerability in our modern days like oh be authentic be real be vulnerable but You're vulnerable as someone they can come in and hurt you even more yeah and and that's what that's what you open yourself up to when when you get the ring and say the vows and one thing I like to compare marriage to is the um roller coaster at Disneyland Space Mountain I was familiar with that Space Mountain is marriage because you and your spouse get in that car and you buckle your in yourself in you are there together 100% and you don't know where you're going cuz it's in the dark the roller coaster in the dark you could be going up you could be going down you could be going sideways upside down you don't know what you're going to hit in your marriage you know you could struggle with infertility hyperfertility child with special needs you could have a six spouse you know you could have greater tragedy you just don't know when you make that vow to one another when you're rooted in Christ what Journey your love is going to take you on but that's the beauty of it it reminds me of that that quote you often like to mention from St Francis to sales yes um in marriage one takes a vow but it is the only instance where a vow is taken without a noviciate because if there were a noviciate for marriage how few would enter into it did he actually say that he actually said that it's one one of his letters that's great yeah because you're thrown into it right and you have to all of a sudden you know you think you know the person and you do to a certain level but then you're thrown into this reality called marriage and all of a sudden all these other things pop up in the first months in the first years after a few kids and and it's it's like whoo this is a lot harder than we ever we we ever imagined one thing someone wrote in a card on our wedding day which I have written many times um is the quote saying the priesthood which is analogous to marriage has been more terrible and more wonderful than I ever imagined appears to you you're terrible and wonderful yeah so true completely you don't know till you're in it there's a I I make the analogy a bunch of times when when people are coming into the church so a lot of times when people are rcia I don't know is anyone here in rcia right now a couple people that's awesome congratulations so what what can happen sometimes is as we're getting closer and closer to the Easter Vigil is there's this like I don't know if I'm ready I don't know if I'm ready and I remember uh one year in our dases we had six men seven men ordained to the priesthood which is really big for the dases of duth and I went back I was backstage went back to this accuracy to talk to some of these guys and I was like hey um so how you guys feeling are you ready and uh are you prepared and one of the brothers he looks to me says well I'm sufficiently prepared I that's an amazing answer because there is no way to be prepared there's no way to be prepared for the light the priesthood there's no way to be prepared for what God is calling you to as a Catholic and there's no way to be prepared completely for marriage but I can be sufficiently prepared and that's really that's part of what marriage prep is all about is that okay I there is going to be curveballs that I could never anticipate but I'm sufficiently prepared to be able to take a swing anything else you do in your you have the syllabus you have class the beginning of Covenant we haven't got to Sacrament and vocation there and then oh man I love this thing called the we we use the focus inventory which stands for facilitating open couple communication understanding and study and so basically they take about 162 uh statements and say I agree with this I disagree with this I'm uncertain so my future spouse and I have discussed and agreed the way we'll make use of credit in our financial relationship or something like this um and so we go through all of those and that becomes kind of the skeleton for talking about big big things because one of my favorite well couple I have a couple favorite questions or statements one is there are certain behaviors and habits in my future spouse that sometimes annoy me super fun I love that one because the preferred answer is yes the pref preferred answer is agree like yes there are certain behaviors or habits in my future spouse that sometimes annoy me and the the organization wants you to say yes because it means a the shine is worn off like you know the person's not perfect B um they know that you know that they're not perfect and C you're free to be actually be able to say that yes because it's one thing to kind of like I know you know but don't say anything about this and other thing to be like y yeah we can joke about this so then I used to say okay so what is the thing about each other that you find annoying and I don't do that anymore what I do is I say instead um so what is it that you think Ted would say about you that's good and that's better because they get to own it themselves as opposed to let me get started you know actually they say actually that never bothers me and not as much as this you know um but then the next question the next question is is was potentially devastating so the first one is kind of light-hearted certain behaviors or habits sometimes annoy me the next question is there are parts of my future spouse's character that I do not respect and that one is just whenever that's flagged it's like yes I agree with that it's like okay um so I don't know if you accidentally said and but we just dive into it because you have to talk about this because um have you guys heard of a guy guy named Dr John gotman yes Dr John gotman he's a a therapist a p psychologist hea's wife um he's studied uh couples such a to such a degree from a sociological perspective but he's a Christian um he's he's studied couples so often so much so thoroughly that he says that he can identif by simply observing a couple having a conversation for 15 minutes about anything he can predict with 90% certainty whether or not they'll be divorced in the next three years that's what he claims because what he would do is he' take these couples and put them in a environment where they're kind of like a away for the weekend and he with a strap on like uh EKG machines and blood pressure monitors and just in they they know they're being monitored and and just have them live for a weekend and he could he noticed these things there were four behaviors that in these couples that he called The Four Horsemen like the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse because if they were present that meant the end was nigh and the first one is critique um those different than criticism criticism would be like I asked you to bring home the dry cleaning for the last two days you promised you would and you didn't do it that's just legit criticism critique is I asked you for the last two days to bring up the dry cleaning you didn't do it you don't care about anyone but yourself that's like taking this particular making a generalization it's big attack um the second is defensiveness and there's three kinds of defensiveness at least there's the aggressive defensiveness you didn't pick up the dry cleaning oh yeah well you didn't do such and such that's aggressive defensive there is deflective defensive which is you didn't pick up the dry cleaning well you know what I was so busy this this and this okay and there's also the worst one I think it's the most Insidious one where it's um it's the lowgrade defensiveness and maybe you've seen this and this is one of those things where um I always ask couples is it we've all seen it it is the low- grade defensiveness is to watch a couple tell a story about like their weekend or about their Christmas or about their last vacation sometimes there's like the or how you met like oh I was at The Malt Shop I was uh drive my car and and she was on the side of the road no you weren't driving your car you were in a motorcycle oh yeah that's right that's right that's right um I was on a motorcycle crazy I can't believe I forgot that thank you for reminding me and it's just fun versus I was driving my car and you didn't drive your car it was a motorcycle why like what I'm telling the story aren't I have you ever seen a couple they they're telling a story and you're just cringing the whole time because the correction is not happy the correction is not like oh yeah thank you it's oh why do you always jump in that low- grade defensiveness is a sign of we don't trust each other and there's this this remarkable because then I me I've seen this in my family a bunch So speaking of the story a couple uh thanksgivings ago we're flying down to celebrate Thanksgiving at my older brother's place in North Carolina and so we came in a different times I came in way ahead of my family and there's a big snowstorm and uh so I met them at the gate I like Dad man how was the drive he's like uh you know no problem went slow and there was a there was a car that had spun out in our Lane right ahead of us my mom stepped in like you didn't see that car he's like I didn't say I saw the car he's like yeah well you made it sound like you saw the car and he's like I didn't make it sound like I saw the car and I just like this is weird but my dad just let it go and we went on with the rest of the night the next morning this is this is what happens with this though what happens with the next morning we're at this Airbnb going to my brother's place after breakfast my mom's sitting at the kitchen table and we're all getting ready and my dad's like Hey we're going to go over to marketpl now she's like I know he's like we're going to Mark's Place now I like wow that went from 0er to 60 oh that was from last night that was like that was in The holster that was in the chamber for since since the gate when we arrived because this was the low-grade defensiveness where okay we're not trusting each other they're amazing they've been married 56 years but sometimes right sometimes it doesn't work out and perfectly but there's aggressive defensive deflective defensive and low- grade defensive the third is what do we have so far critique defensive there's also stonewalling stonewalling is have you guys know stonewalling is it's I never got it for so long until I just kept reflecting on it and then saw it here's what stonewalling is stonewalling is um here's the guy he goes to the little window he looks out he's like oh little bird out there and his wife can either say are you kidding me when you when did you since when did you get into Birds she could say uh I don't care about birds right now or she could just go huh or she can say wait where right over there okay so stonewalling is someone makes a bid and how you respond to that bid either is I'm acknowledging it or I'm just dismissing it stonewalling is just like this you know so someone comes home and says I had the worst day today you think you had a bad day da d da so I'm not person made the bid of saying I had a tough time meet me down here I'm not going to meet you down there or say had an awesome day like oh really was that good or is just kind of like the the worst is like the huh cuz the bit the bit is hey meet me up here I had a great day not going to St Walling the the Insidious thing about stonewalling is you can do it and get away with it like why are you always like this what do you mean why am I always like this I didn't do anything exactly and so one of the things I I'll this this resonates so thoroughly with our couples because they're like oh man I can see that I didn't have a name for it but I know that sometimes I'm just tired I and she made a bid and I didn't want to meet her or I I knew that I was distracted he made a bid and I just I don't care about how the Vikings did you know that kind of a situation I don't care about I get this a lot like these women who are like I don't don't say another thing about Jordan Peterson I don't care about Jordan Peterson but the guys like Jordan Peterson is my man you know it's like that's enough he's making a bid though I here's a Here's a thought I've been thinking about lately I want to share it with you if she just huh that's soal and what is he going to do I'm not going to share my thoughts with you anymore because you don't care so critique defensiveness stonewalling the fourth is the worst and that's contempt now I don't have to describe contempt because you all know it the reality of course Gman says is this what we bring our couples through all four are going to be present at some point just because we're broken like here's my mom and dad 54 years that Thanksgiving we're broken it's going to be but he says but if we can hit the golden ratio and the golden ratio is something around 5 to1 or 7:1 acts of kindness love respect to everyone stonewalling critique defensiveness contempt then you're going to still be happy you're still be still still have health because there's enough trust here built up they're like yeah I'm so sorry I shouldn't have I shouldn't have said that I trust you I know you I know you actually love me I know you actually respect me because the 7 to1 or 5:1 you're you're putting into the Trust Bank you're putting into the love bank and uh does that make sense sorry I went on and on this is awesome this is really this is literally what we talk about in marriage prep so it just reminds me even in our marriage there's times when you like we're we're really close we're connecting really well and then there's a stressful time just recently and you know we're driving out here and kids are sick and it's just it's hard um but I remember you saying something like you know hey we've been doing really well here but I you know you're you're getting a little stressed Ted and well it's like let's stay in the same space you know do not leave the building you know like let's bring it down Buckle it in a lot yeah you'll complete with each other all the time right we were talking about being in extroverts or introverts and they said father Mike are you an introvert or extrovert I'm like I'm 100 not 100% but very heavily introvert and uh I need that you know sometimes what you don't have a place to escape to it's like but would you you you know what you're describing go to the the four things that he mentions that the Heman yeah that you can fall into uh and then how we want to have the ratio 7 to1 that's just fascinating that you know GES is scientifically trying to well there's also people who will say that you know 3 to one's way too low you need many more acts of kindness and trust and love also I've heard a psychologist say Jordan Peterson say that 11:1 is you need more you need more Kickback you need more tension or else the other person starts a pushover and you start they're not respecting them because they're too much of a pushover you need someone to contend with he says now that doesn't mean they always have to be acts of defensiveness or stoning or contempt but it means there's some kind of person you marry to someone you can contend with not simply someone who just can agree with everything you say and think that you're perfect but go back to but this whole process though it just I think that's what the sacrament is is doing it's changing our hearts to Love Like Jesus you know Jesus is not 3:1 7:1 11:1 he's you know infinite you know and it's perfect love now none of us are going to get there in this lifetime but Grace really does change our hearts you know we probably go into the marriages on know a little as you get into it and things get hard you may have moments where it is more 2 to1 3 to one or something like that but but but through the sacrament God changes our heart to love like he loves on Good Friday where he's patient when the other person is frustrating us and he's you know he was misunderstood he was not appreciated on Good Friday there were hurtful words spoken on Good Friday to Jesus hurtful actions you know all these things and yet he's still loved yeah and I don't I don't think many people think of marriage that way they think of marriage you know as like oh I finally found someone that's going to fulfill me and yes I'll lay down my life Ephesians 5 and you know serve but but ultimately I'm looking at this other person is someone that's going to fulfill me whereas if you look at marriage is the cross right and and you look at the cross you know like Jesus isn't up there going oh this is awesome I'm living the dream you know he's lying down in life it hurts but it's beautiful that's what we're made for we're made for that total self-giving well I always say that marriage is where bad people go to die quote me tweet that marriage marriage is where bad people people go to die to themselves in order to live in love yeah right but but I would say that um like you guys you're describing this one of the critical virtues of marriage is Hope because as you said you get married and it's like wait I thought it would be you guys this is the reality of course especially with Catholics who have a if you've had great um models of marriage in your life sometimes you have the hardest time in those first months in years of marriage because it's like no I saw my parents as Pros like my parents were professional lovers they were incredible they my the way my dad cared for my mom and way my mom like respected my dad all these kind of things and you remember them as after having gone through all of those ups and downs that then you find yourself in this marriage going like oh wait this we just stepped on each other's toes you just stepped on my toes on purpose like all these kind of pieces to hold on to that virtue of Hope because expectation I always say expectation is a killer of Joy expectation Rin ruins more future expectation ruins more present Joy than anything else I thought it would be like this but it's not actually it's like this instead anticipation is great because I love anticipation like I don't that's why I don't like surprise parties like I I like the idea of like let me look forward to it because usually the actual thing is not as much fun as looking for anyways but expectation is I thought it would be like this so marriage needs hope because once we get inside of it and realize oh this is not what I expected but I still have hope that we can make it through this I still have hope that this isn't the end just because we just hurt each other pretty badly here this isn't the end just because wow we're really struggling uphill or even like you mentioned I just it's so important to realize to I I don't know how many people here are Discerning marriage actively right now meaning you're in a relationship and okay great um one of the things I invite people to reflect on is The Vows so I I jack take you Jill to be my wife I promise to be true to you in good times s and in bad in sickness and in health to love you and honor you all the days of my life and reflect on bad and reflect on sickness and reflect on um the other one uh like reflect on like how bad could it be what if the other person gets sick and they can't take care of themselves in our first summer what if we can't get pregnant what if we can't not get pregnant what if what if I'm the one who's sick I know people I actually talk to people who say um I don't want him to stay with me if I'm the sick one because I don't want him to have to give get spend the rest of his life just caring for me like that movie what was that movie and you before me or something yeah yeah yeah yeah and it's just like yeah but that's what you're saying yes to that's what you're vowing right and that's why I think it's so important to say okay sometimes we are a catastrophizers right we always think a worst case scenario there sometimes that's not healthy this might be a case where it's really really good to do to and actually do that out loud with them okay what's the worst thing I can imagine happening in our marriage let's talk about that am I saying yes to that too and not that I want that to happen but like let's bring it to the Lord um I failed and I wasn't faithful to you okay um are we still one you were faithful Unfaithful are we still one and we're sick we have multiple children with multiple issues what happens then not because we want to be negative Nellies but because that's what life is remember I think Bishop said it this morning he said life is hard but there's hope I love I love the bishop this morning I mean I think the best well my thing that resonated most with me was when he was so vulnerable right and he shared that he had to take time away from his dicese and had to get help he had to seek help just like oh my gosh CU what do we think about Bishops we're like no dude they promote Bishops because they don't get they don't struggle because they don't get overwhelmed by stress because they're really they have everything under control here's a bishop in front of his brother Bishops in front of his brother priests in front of all of us saying actually you know I needed time away wasn't like I'm taking a sabatical he could have easily said that he could have said I just needed some time away to kind of collect myself he said no I was so broken that this is what I needed and if I didn't get it I would have collapsed um and realized that that could be your marriage that could be my priesthood and that could because that why cuz life is [Music] hard

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Length: 27min 52sec (1672 seconds)

Published: Sun Nov 19 2023