Understanding Infidelity: How Long Will the Betrayed Spouse Be so Angry?

[Music] today I'd like to answer a question that it's one of those questions that I get from both sides of infidelity the unfaithful will say Sam listen I'm gonna ask you this question don't shame me for it but here's the deal how long will my betrayed spouse be so angry and then I get the same question just kind of pushed to me differently from betrayed which is Sam how long am I gonna feel like this like how long am I gonna lash out how long am I gonna have this anger that seems uncontrollable one minute then the next minute I can't stop crying I'm I'm fluctuating between these emotions like how long is this anger gonna be a part of my life am I always gonna be this angry and today I'd like to answer that question in a way that I truly believe is palatable and filled with truths that at some level this is not a one-size-fits-all answer but there's going to be some great truths in this video to help you regardless of where you or your spouse fit into the timeline if you will or the pie chart of reactions of the betrayed spouse if you study infidelity you understand that there is no trend that says will males who are betrayed to act this way females who are betrayed act this way absolutely not there's just too many personality profiles out there and you can a classic mistake is to say well men feel this and women feel that that's absolutely not true they spill over all the time and the better more effective way to understand it is yes there are some trends associated with the way a betrayed male is going to feel they're going to be a little bit more prone towards hiding and shame and feeling the I couldn't measure up type feeling however women feel that as well and so you know women may feel more like well I couldn't compete with her cuz she was XY and Z and I couldn't compete with the way that you know she did this but that's not true cuz men feel that as well it really comes down more to the fact that certain people react to pain and trauma differently some people have an enormous amount of rage they may throw things they may lash out some just crawl up in the fetal position and feel an enormous amount of emotion and hurt and pain and kind of shutdown and then there's everything in between to tell you a little bit about Samantha so that you can maybe feel normal or maybe feel better you know Samantha when she found out she I was so overcome with emotion that we had to take breaks it took about two hours for me to tell her everything she had to take breaks to actually vomit she had to take breaks to contain herself she had to kind of take breaks to take care of our six week old child at the time of disclosure and so she was overwhelmed with the motion and it was very traumatizing so she was hurt she was devastated and the anger was there but it took a good few days for the anger to start and when it hit about five or six days later it really hit so much so that my daughter was done with a dollhouse that was in our backyard in California she had just said I don't like it anymore and so on this particular day the anger was pretty extreme and so Samantha went into the garage and got a pickaxe and the dollhouse was made out of plywood and other types of softer wood and Samantha put on work gloves and went outside unbeknownst to me and all I heard was this commotion and this ungodly just pounding and crushing and so I ran outside and I look and here's Samantha if you've seen her on video she's petite 5/9 very controlled beautiful and elegant she has work gloves on she has her hair in a bun and she's crushing a dollhouse and the neighbors who ran a day care in their home their kids were popping their heads over the brick wall staring at samantha who was not stopping though little children were watching her one of the neighbors actually poked his head over the wall and knew enough to go back down and not say anything and I walked out and I said my eyes were about this big I said honey do you do you think that this is wise to to to do deep do you think this is smart and she said do you think that you need to tell me anything right now and I said not at all I'll go back inside I took my children back inside and she absolutely devastated that dollhouse over the next six months there was an enormous amount of anger ups-and-downs emotions trauma just flooding that would happen so you may say how long will it last well here's the thing that can shorten how long the anger can last the reaction of the unfaithful can help determine how long that anger will last if we don't understand how we can help them we can actually prolong the anger as long as we continue to get defensive as long as we continue to lash out as long as we continue to minimize and justify and blame the betrayed we're going to add fuel to the fire as long as we refuse to do repair work as long as we refuse to cooperate with maybe our professional therapists as long as we refuse to do an online course or do anything that could help the relationship or calm the anger or flooding as long as we do that we won't watch videos we won't be involved we won't do anything that will only reinforce the anger and help fuel the anger that you so desperately want to get rid of as long as we have more disclosures as long as there are multiple D days as long as we keep drip-feeding information why should we be surprised that there's more and more anger more and more resentment more learn more raging by the betrayed and that's male or female as long as we exhibit those behaviors how can we expect them to get a handle on their anger when we still keep pouring fuel to the fire of their anger and there's more to be angry about now I'm in no way justifying violence physical abuse any of that stuff I'm not even justifying them shaming you and belittling you and all of that I get messages about that all the time I'm not justifying that but for you to expect them to have a perfect response to life-changing trauma is absurd and naive and you may say well I just I just want them to have a normal reaction well I'm sorry they wanted a normal marriage and they didn't get that so we're in this together now so for you to continue to kind of shame them or use their reaction against them when you're the impetus for their reaction is dysfunctional and hurtful and extremely problematic to any form of healing in your relationship until we can become a safe vessel for their anger and their pain and their flooding you're not going to see their anger dissipate very much at all does that mean that you're a doormat no but does that mean that you fight back no that means that when Samantha was flooding the best thing that I could do is I could say I'm sorry I know I will do whatever it takes to help us heal I don't have any answers I'll do everything I can to find answers as long as my volume got up as long as I got defensive as long as I allowed my shame to cause me to lash back out at her I would lose and there would be more and more anger finally and Samantha will tell you this she said this on video before but finally there came a point where I just stopped fighting back and I just stopped trying to defend the twenty or ten percent that she was wrong and just embraced the 80 or 90 percent that she was right on or just even listen to her and be a safe vessel for her to emote and talk about her pain and not try and fix it when I did that her anger significantly dropped and she would tell you when I became safe she kind of ran out of the the fuel and was like he's not fighting back he's not lashing out he's not becoming self-absorbed and wallowing in self-pity he's just listening well I'm tired of being angry that's kind of what happened she got tired of being so angry because I wasn't fueling the fire I was suffocating the fire by just being compassionate and listening and embracing obviously the caveat to that is there comes a point where there's lashing out there shaming there's you know harassing all of those types of things you know 40 text messages in 30 minutes while you're at work or what-have-you and that's where you have to call a timeout if you need the timeout protocol that we have please message me on one of our platforms I'd be happy to get you the timeout protocol it's something that has to be embraced by both parties to get into the nuts of bolts you say Sam will how long how long are they going to be this angry even though I have some control in it you know what can I expect so let me give you four stages that are vital to understanding how long the betrayed male or female is probably going to experience significant anger and what that looks like as it unfolds the first stage is the discovery phase and in that phase is usually the understanding that it takes about sometimes between two and six weeks for full and total disclosure to come out its our expectations at a fare recovery calm that in the initial six weeks there should be no more disclosure information it should all be out there should not be any more multiple D days all of the information should pretty much be out there to process and embrace because if there's more information you never really get beyond this discovery phase you're kind of stuck there because you're constantly as a betrayed discovering there's constantly gasoline being poured on the fire so to expect them to have their anger dissipate when they're being retry Mathai z'd time and time again just isn't accurate next the reaction phase and that typically is somewhere within about six months it is after that initial six weeks maybe two three weeks for you up until somewhere we would hope around six months now obviously there's a variance for some people that might be a little bit longer could be a little bit shorter but at some level that six months is where you have started to embrace all that has happened you are starting to experience grief the betrayed is grieving the unfaithful is probably grieving they are grieving through the loss of the life that they once had the unfaithful is grieving the loss of the affair partner and probably has really moved beyond that the betrayed is grieving all their losses and their pain and their they're still grieving but they are moving into a sense where there is healthy empathy where there is compassion where there is momentum where there is involvement with repair work and both have started to take significant ownership of their own repair work next is what I call the momentum stage and that's typically seven to nine months to about twelve months maybe a little bit longer in this momentum stage recovery work has taken effect Trust is pretty significant although it's not just a blind trust but there's significant trust repair work recovery work is in full steam ahead both parties are committed both parties are doing what it takes they are gaining a sense of I'm so glad that we gave this relationship a chance I'm experiencing a a sense of love again I'm experiencing and have worked through forgiveness and forgiveness is tricky as you've watched videos by me before you've forgiven that doesn't mean that there won't be more forgiveness later it doesn't mean that there won't be some more trauma that comes up and you say whoa I didn't even know this was here and you can forgive that too and move forward but forgiveness has taken root also the unfaithful has gained an understanding of why they had their affair it doesn't mean that they're why won't evolve I can tell you at about a year I had a why at two three four five years my why expanded and really grew at ten years twelve fifteen years my why is a whole lot more plain and a whole lot more well rounded and I can speak on a deep level as to why I was unfaithful in that momentum stage things are really moving almost so good you kind of go man I'm I'm a little bit worried the recommitment stage is where we arrived at that's typically 12 months to 18 to 24 months it really varies but in this kind of phase you're both recommitted there may have been a proposal by the unfaithful to marry the betrayed again it's that significant it's in this phase that man there's a healthy sense of renewal revival reconnection there is a understanding that you are now far more resilient as a couple you're better for it you have gained a wide-angle lens that I'm so glad we stayed married look at what we could have lost but look at what we have and share accountability is in place and sure there are safety mechanisms that are in place and a part of their marriage but in this phase this is where life has sprung and you at this level maybe you you kind of go I don't need Sam's videos anymore but we'll make ones that kind of helped you years down the road too but instead of phase where you're like you know we feel healthy and strong I'm not turning a blind eye to things but we have so much momentum I have hope I have confidence I'm secure and where we're at and I have a vision for our future now a caveat I need to tell you about is if your spouse is dealing with PTSD or complex PTSD their timeline is gonna look different it still can be close to those timelines if they're getting expert help through something what we would call EMDR or ett which are wonderful forms of treatment for PTSD and complex PTSD there's also the use the necessary use of medications that sometimes it takes a little while to find the right one or the right dosage but it's absolutely essential that you give those things a chance to work if you're dealing with PTSD because that is not just suck it up and move on it doesn't work that way finally I'd like to read you a couple of quotes from Shirley glass in her book not just friends which paints a wonderful picture of what recovering looks like and what healing actually looks like Shirley glass says recovering means that the infidelity is no longer the focus of daily life each partner has regained equilibrium and is able to perform normal activities and can work together when they need to healing means that most of the time it hardly hurts at all both partners have regained hopefulness confidence and the resilience to recover from whatever losses may occur in the future the healing couple proceeds in an atmosphere of safety shared meaning caring commitment and honest communication you will know that the recovery process is on track if the affair is over the unfaithful partner is visibly moving back into the marriage and you're addressing the betrayed partners unhealed wounds betrayed spouses who are recovering respond positively to the efforts of the unfaithful partners to provide reassurance and re-establish trust the goal is to reestablish identity as a couple and put the past into perspective in spite of the pain that may persist at time I hope this has helped you today I hope that you feel encouraged I hope that you maybe even feel kind of hey what am i doing where am I at where am I at in association with this kind of timeline if you need a timeline to be sent to you message me on one of the platforms and I'll send you a link to a recovery timeline that I've kind of discussed today I'd like to do all I can to help you heal [Music]

Channel: Affair Recovery

Views: 68,621

Keywords: infidelity, overcoming infidelity, infidelity scars, samuel, surviving infidelity, beyond affairs, betrayal, beyond betrayal, angry cheater, anger, anger management, strong emotions

Id: OnGbufsQQbI

Length: 18min 1sec (1081 seconds)

Published: Tue Mar 17 2020