how to: Deal with FAKE FRIENDS

[Music] hey guys I'm welcome back to my channel hope you guys are doing well so friendship I feel like it's impossible to talk about friendship until you've talked about betrayal you can't talk about friendship until you've talked about betrayal because the truth is many of us have been hurt by other women and we cannot shy away from it sometimes we as women I have to say we are our own worst enemy I always wondered why guy seemed to be able to hold on to friendships easier and longer than women is like guys really ever fool out over some dumb [ __ ] it has to be pretty serious and let's be honest they're not just falling out there beefing like they're throwing these hands like they beefing be thin right so I think the reason why women go through it in friendships is because one we are emotional creatures by Nature and two when we let people in close we really let them in close where natural nurturers us I'm not sure if you've ever been around a group of guys who have known each other for a few years like say in school or whatever it's like they don't really have that much depth they kind of bond over kind of mundane things such as you know football the Sun must go away cuz I'm trying to feel less he prayed for the Sun to come out today so I can feel but now I want it to go away but ya guys tend to bond over kind of like things like football similar lifestyles music and that's about it but don't get me wrong there are some guys that I know who do have more deeper connections with friends that are like brothers or they may have mentors and things like that so I'm not saying that guys have superficial relationships however they really divulge their whole life story to one person there's been times that I've been around a guy and I am the type of girl yet to be like auxin about your childhood I'm about oxyde about like deep secrets obviously when you get to know them I like to get inside their minds so it's like they'll say I've never told this to anybody and I'm just thinking like what do you guys talk about when you gather together like what do you guys even talk about like how does he not even know this and you're telling me like women we are very relational by nature we can literally tell you our life story within hours of meeting you and connecting with you let me just say I don't recommend you doing that okay because trust must be earned it's not given it must be earned it's sunny and it's for humidity as well I'm so confused by London right now but we as women we just generally love to talk okay I could sit down with my friends for hours and just talk and pork and talk and pour it's like we fantasize we romanticize we just go away or the fear we usually we literally let our imaginations take over you know that is like a clear difference between guys and girls by the way but it's like we connect so fast and we trust so easily and it is great if the other person has a pure heart or what if she doesn't what happens when the one that you trusted in invested all of your time your secret everything turns out to be a fraud and a fake let's get into it so last night I went out to eat with one of my girlfriends and I just started talking about like my friendships during my life span and people have hurt me and and when I got home I was kind of emotional because it has reminded me of like how much crap I've gone through in relationships and in friendships and things like that and trust me I'm not here to play the victim because I own my [ __ ] I know that I have unknowingly and knowingly her other people as well so I'm no angel and life literally does happen to all of us you know but I started to get emotional because I've never really taken the time to sit down and to think about what I've actually been through in relationships in friendship and like how much I have really put my love on the line and how it hasn't been reciprocated it hurts like hell and so I told this story on Instagram the other day I was always like growing up this naive little girl who called everybody that I met my friend even if I didn't know you for that long I will call you my friend and I really took comfort in believing that I had a lot of friends or when I got into my 20s I realized the hard truth that not everybody you call your friend is your friend and honestly it took my little heart by storm it did a lot of be honest it did it really did and anyone has siblings knows this to be true for your sisters are like your first group of friends like they're the ones you spend the most time with they're the ones that you want to look like they're the ones you wanna dress like they're the ones that you want to speak like especially to the youngest you just want to be them you look up to them you just want to be them okay and I have to be careful with saying this because like I don't I'm not trying to hurt my sisters feelings because I really loved them deeply but the truth phase when I was growing up like I don't feel like I felt supported and seen as the younger sister like thank God the relationship is so much better now I felt alone like most of my life because really intruded the bond that I really want to do my sister's just wasn't there and now I've grown up I don't blame them we all had to deal with our own issue right so in me feeling so alone I kind of fill that void with friendships and having friends knowing a lot of people I used to just endured in the fact that everybody liked me like I literally indulge in that ideal that ideal that everybody left me and in my naivety I always used to think that two plus two equals four right if you are nice to people people will be nice to you if you're there for people people will be there for you right wrong wrong wrong lesson numero uno what you give is not always what you get what you give is not always what you get back so a quick story time in my late teens I met this girl at a Christian camp that I used to go to like she came up to me and we just clicked she was gorgeous I was gorgeous any other age are pretty shallow but we did connect because we both loved Jesus right we just connected be was on the same way we lived near each other we'd hang out go to each other's houses just have fun really I was even there with her holding her hand when her and her future husband connected like they locked eyes at this concert so fast-forward she's engaged to be married I'm a house we're talking about wedding plans they're writing out who should be invited to the wedding yada yada yada yada so fast forward a few months my invitation comes in the post and then I look at the invitation and it says 6:00 p.m. and I'm reading it bear in mind like this is my first ever wedding that isn't family so I didn't know about times and weddings and sup at last I'm reading it he says 6:00 p.m. so I call her a night it's called invitation happens the wedding so late and she's like oh well it's like the evening invitation you know my family's Greek and we have a really really big family and I possibly couldn't invite everybody to the to the wedding I've got like my little cousins and my nieces and stuff like that bear in mind she's marrying a footballer okay so money is not an issue okay um but she was like palming it off like oh but we're still gonna have a really good time we're gonna have noodles and stuff to eat for the reception guests and all this kind of stuff and I was just on the phone like are you joking like it's a joke like are you pranking me because it's a joke and you know what initially I actually thought I was going to be a bride to me like that's how deep our friendship was that's how deep I saw our friendship right when that conversation didn't come up I was like okay maybe it's just for like her close family and my friends that she's known for years or whatever I was like okay fine no worries but when I've been present from you from the moment you met to your wedding plans to being actually there making invitations your bridal shower all of this stuff to then say that you can only come to the evening of the wedding not even to the church where the actual union happens I was just like wow I've never experienced such a hurt before like that and it was my first real friendship hug it was just gut-wrenching the awful it was a shock to my system honestly and like up into that point I had never been hurt by someone I considered to be a close friend and I even her being so blase about it made me think and question am I being delusional am I being too extra that I even arced around people am i bugging or is this like really really really messed up and to be honest I got Mick signal but I didn't change how I felt if you feel betrayed don't deny those feelings if that's how you feel that's how you feel and I also try to make you feel like a being delusional so if I'm at moment I kind of us back to wait for him/her a little bit I was in two minds we're able to go to the wedding but I decided to be a good friend to her which I still was and go and support her and her husband on her wedding day and I mean it was a bit awkward I was a bit by the turnout I took pictures with her I danced and then I went home is when I love you I love you never mind what you do you don't do when I love somebody I actually love them okay period but after that the relationship was never the same because I felt like I started to see her for who she was and start to see the relationship for what it was as well but one thing that I've now learned and one thing that when I my good friend Michael has taught me is to redefine friendships and it's like you don't have to cut people off or try and change them but you can change the way you deal with them and it's like I've had many other scenarios like that as well and there was just one girl oh my god I so badly wanted more out of that friendship but she just literally would not let me in it's like we were literally the same people we like had the similar look we loved each other we love Jesus we had similar outlooks on life things like that but like I said she just wouldn't invest in our friendship and it was more so like oh do you and I grab a coffee do you want to like go for lunch once in a while or I'd have a plus one for an event and I didn't bite her and we'd go out and we'd have fun and and that's basically it it was back to meet meeting up once in a while and there'd be times when she'd opened up to me about staff and I thought like yes we're finally wondering like surely she will see that I'm such a valuable friend but nope it was back to me and not once in a while that kind of distant relationship that I really didn't want and so when I realized that she was never gonna change and give me what I wanted out of that friendship I just back to wait a minute I just stopped expecting anything from her and just kept it casual and obviously the relationship fizzled out as it does you know I wasn't going to force her to see how valuable of a friend I was I just wasn't gonna do it which brings me to my first point redefining friendships and so there's so many types of different friendships out there and there's nothing wrong with each of the ones I'm about to talk about the problem comes when you don't from the jump define what type of friendship or relationship you guys will be having and you start to expect more from that person then it actually able to give you that's where the hurt comes from really and truly so for me there are three different types of friendships out there there may be more but I feel like all of our friendships should fit into these three categories so the first one is what Alex call your party friends or your good time friends these are the girls that are fun to be around when the weekend hits you know they'll say yes to any motif that comes up they are the hey we're the party a kind of girls but do not expect any form of loyalty from them these are the type of girls who will date your ex-boyfriend after you've broken up with him these are the type of girls that when you've confided in them they will tell your business in the group chat yeah watch out for these ones they're more like acquaintances rather than your actual friends do not expect any loyalty from them do not open up and share your deepest darkest secrets just stick to what they know best having a good funky time right the second group I would like to say are your convenient friends there may be colleagues that you see every day they may be church friends they may be tennis club friends they may be your business partners they may support your dreams and vice versa you may have the same values interests and goals you may not see them all the time but there is definitely a connection there I remember just because you have a connection there does not mean that there is a bond your relationship is quite transactional it's convenient and it makes sense however even though you can and you may be tempted to open up with them fully you must do so wisely and with precaution because at the end of the day connection can easily be broken or disconnected and you must remember that once something is shared it cannot be unshared there's no undo button with your mouth okay once you have spoken something once you have shared a secret it's now out there okay that person now has your information so always be careful with that and so these friends may actually love you but it's a very surface type of love and yes these friendships can develop into the third group which is what I'm gonna talk about in a second however it takes a conscious effort but you both must be willing to invest in that next level of friendship takes time it takes one ability and it takes selflessness which in most people in a generation have no time for so the third and final category is your ride or dies and I think that term is very very fitting I've been thinking a lot about what it means to love and I've been thinking about so much that I'm going to make a separate video on it Jesus said there is no greater love than this that a man lay down his life for his friends deep you don't really love your friends until you're willing to take a bullet for them until you're willing to jump in front of a train for them that sacrificial love is the mark of true genuine friendship so what are your vital dies like and by the way you may only have one or two of these in your lifetime three if you're really blessed but one or two of these closed type friendships ok this type of friend loves you know like really loves you those type of friends that are no longer just friends they're like family they're like sisters to you if you need them they're not thinking twice they will be with you faster than lightning literally they will drop everything they are doing just to make sure that you are okay and so why would they do this because they know that you do the exact same thing for them there is such a trust there that you're not even holding back your love from for them like imagine being a relationship or a friendship where you don't have to hold back your love for them and you can really just authentically give because you know it's gonna be received back from them but please remember this trust is built over time like roots every time you go through something and overcome it go through something and overcome it those roots get deeper and deeper and deeper and longer and wider and you know how hard it is to pull up a tree that has been planted for 15-20 years roots so thick and so strong is not easy to pluck up and that is what a solid friendship looks like the love is too deep to just throw it away which is why like I said before having a connection is great but having a bond is even better a bond is really what secures a relationship because a connection can be disconnected and with just one trip it's like a plug sake you plug a property into a wall you trip over that that plug is coming all the way out and that connection is lost that connection is shut off which to be honest is why I'm slightly against this whole cut off culture like girls will have one disagreement with you and say eff you they will literally be like forget this you are a weak person I'm just saying you are weak or worse yet someone's pissed at you because something you did but they haven't told you what you've done but initially just put those icy vibes and it's like I wish I wish that we could just be mature enough to open the mouths God gave us and tell people what the issue is I strongly believe that most things that occur in everyday friendships can be resolved is on why relationships friendships are so hard is because you've got two imperfect people trying to get along and so sparks are bound to fly nobody's perfect nobody's perfect and most of the things that happen aren't even about you I feel like people are entitled to behave how they behave without you making it all about you for example I got a message from someone that said oh I'm getting married soon and my bridesmaids act and it'll be funny and I said to her take her out for lunch and oxer are you ok because what some people forget especially Brides in weddings that the bridesmaids may actually really genuinely be happy for you but sometimes these things bring up emotions in the bridesmaids it may not be anything negatively towards you but it's just how they're feeling so instead of being like oh I'm going to cut this person off give up the benefit of doubt give her some care sometimes the bridesmaids go unnoticed in weddings like trust me I've been a bridesmaid okay and you just check up on them don't make assumptions don't be quick to be like RT jealous of me it's not always the case people are entitled to feel how they feel without you making it about yourself so don't always take things personally that's first and I know this is hard I jest especially for someone like me I such a sensitive little squirrel sensitive little girl but what I'm saying is communication is so sexy like literally it turns me on okay I love a good player honest communication give me the benefit of the doubt to ask me about it before you come up with this villain narrative in your head about me then the villain navigate that you've created about me give me a chance to defend that because you may actually be very wrong never assume always ask questions so when should you cut off a friend because I do believe in cut enough people okay there sometimes you must and you have to cut off someone when is it okay to cut off a friend and for me personally my rule is three strikes and you're out and when I mean three strikes I mean like you do something I tell you about it I don't like it I tell you how it makes me feel and you do it again and I tell you about it and then you do it again it's three strikes and you're out because that's showing me that there's actually a character flaw there it's probably something that you're doing unaware but it's a serious character flaw and I have the right to say whether I can part with that and if I want to be friends with that type of person I know I know I hear some of you guys saying but didn't Jesus say you should forgive someone seventy times seven but let me make this clear okay and this is probably gonna free somebody okay there's a difference between be giving somebody and letting them stay around you giving someone and keeping somebody in your life are two complete different things I can forgive you and still choose not to be around you still choose not to be friends with you that is my right of choice as a human being I'm allowed to do that and you're allowed to do that too without feeling guilty that oh I haven't forgiven them my heart is pure I forgive you I don't hate you but I'm not gonna let you stay around to keep abusing my trust I love you but I must respect myself more so before I move on to how to actually make friends I think I want to touch quickly on friendship breakup because truthfully it's just as hard if not harder or more difficult than breaking up with a guy trust me especially if you have to see them every single day or every week it can get a bit tricky but trust me it does get easier and one of the things I want to say is try your hardest to maintain a level of respect for them because you actually friends of them before so that shouldn't change don't go around talking about them or spreading their secret I have noticed the other thing to do and Karma's gonna come back round for you maintain their privacy the same way you want them to maintain yours and I know this it can be hard to do especially when you're the one that's been hurt in a friendship but don't go stalking them on social media if you need to mute them block them unfollow them whatever you need to do to protect yourself to protect your heart cause it can be hard to see them hanging out with their other friends and enjoying life and acting like their life is so great like most things on social media it's all an act so if you need to block them on for their meet them to protect your heart then do so you have to treat a breakup like an actual romantic breakup and I'm going to make a video on how to get over your ex next week so make sure you guys subscribe so when I told you guys about a topic that I was speaking about which was friendship you guys sent me so many questions and the most common question was how to make new friends and I was so surprised at how many people say that they don't have any friend and it made me feel so sad because having friends is like one of the most beautiful things about life it's such a happy part about being alive and I feel like if I didn't have friends I would probably be in and out of toxic relationships trying to get my love tank filled that way or I would just be a recluse I would just isolate myself so I don't want you guys to do that so let's get into this now let me not lie to you making new friends is really really tough especially as you get older it's difficult because everyone has their back sob people are not as open as they were when they were three years old or even 13 we're grown now we have been hurt our gods are up we are very precocious however the basis of making a new friend is shared experience I don't be afraid to try something new get out of your comfort zone the same way you can't expect to meet a man staying at home in your comfort zone the same way you can't expect to make new friends if you don't do something different now you really have to put yourself out there check out my fear video if you have not watched it there's always something happening okay especially if you live in a busy city like London okay there's always something to do that's a quick search and eventbrite.com there's an event for literally everything networking will if ever there's an event for everything these are times and these are places in spaces where you can actually meet some really great people however if that seems like too much for you at first I would recommend joining a Facebook group and I know I know Facebook is a bit 2004 however I only use Facebook for the purpose of the groups I'm in a few women's groups on Facebook and it literally makes life so much easier and it's even better that people are anonymous to be honest and you don't really know them so either way thumbs up if you would want me to create a group for us because I think YouTube comment is great but I really really my desire my heart's desire is to build a community of women where we can all talk and it's not only me talking but it's us sharing ideas bonding supporting each other and I feel like Facebook was a really good place to do that so funds up and comment if I should make a group for all of us and we read a name I need a name for you guys I need a name for you guys so comment a name and if you would join my facebook group everyone has Facebook Facebook is free you don't have to be on it for any other reason than this group so let me know if that's something I should do because I will only do it if you guys want it okay firstly take up a hobby me personally I love to dance and I really really really want to join a hip-hop class but I just don't have much time right now but it's on my to-do list I want to join a hip-hop class but that's not your thing try tennis try netball try badminton try kickboxing try what climbing my mom is part of a group and that do Nordic walking and it's like a group of 50 plus women they go out in the forest and they do Nordic walking and she does it every Thursday my mum genuinely feels happier after that and I feel like we all need a group of people just to like you wave and hang with and you never know you may actually meet a friend for life there and to be honest you have a better chance of making friends if you go and do things you actually enjoy doing you may not gain a new best friend but finding friends for different interest in your life different stages can be really positive but but always remember that friendships grow with investments go out and try some activities and talk to people if it doesn't work try another one finally you're never going to find friends unless you are first friendly so open up yourself welcome yourself do your inner work so that you attract the right kind of energy the right kind of people to you the way that I see working on yourself you become a magnet okay you just have to show up you won't even have to force friendships you just show up and naturally people were drawn to you that's the beautiful thing about being a really actualized woman really working on yourself knowing yourself and valuing yourself you've become very attractive not just to men but to friendships people want to be around you and you will attract people that are on your level if you find yourself you're not attracting people that on your level maybe gotta check yourself maybe you got a chance what level you're actually really on because sometimes we have to pay ourselves I'm telling you we like to pay yourself and for those of you who have really good friends I want to encourage you to continue to invest in them try not to be selfish try not to throw away people try not to treat people like they're disposable like stay and work out your issue can if you can't leave peacefully try and leave people better than you found them that's one of my mottos in life try and leave people better than you found them no love lost if it doesn't work out fine it's okay it's actually going to be okay laughs does not have to be dramatic and friendships do not have to be hard let's just all do our best to play our position thank you guys so much for watching I hope this was helpful for you guys and I'll see you guys in my next video bye guys [Applause] [Music] you [Music]

Channel: Breeny Lee

Views: 332,579

Rating: 4.9662724 out of 5

Keywords: breeny lee, breeny lee pepp talks, deal with fake friends, jordyn woods, jordyn woods khloe kardashian, i have no friends, friends, friendships, toxic friends, toxic friendships, ted talks

Id: J_7HtASG730

Length: 26min 29sec (1589 seconds)

Published: Sun Mar 10 2019