9 Ways To Tell If Your Friends Are Trash | Kristen Newton | TEDxIUPUI

[Applause] thank you guys so much for being here times been incredible every single speaker his son and it's an incredible job and I just thank you guys for staying so before we get started I just want to ask you a question who in here would say that making them friends as an adult is hard banti okay I'm sure the opinions on this type of Mayberry so we're going to go ahead and just break the room up a little bit so Gen X's and Baby Boomers alright that's 40 and up in the room making friends in an old harvest okay not so it's because you've got this adulting thing figured out it's not how about the gin disease and you just use in the room that's like high school college you know you guys you're not even here listen you guys are probably redefining your definition of insulting with every new and awakening hashtag but what about the Millennials any molecules in the room that's like that post college upper 30s croup where he's they're running full-on into adult thing for the first time or navigating the newest seasons of parenting and or marriage but regardless all of us are in need of deep meaningful connections and we all face the challenge of friendships and how to navigate them well isn't it interesting though that every other relationship dynamic has like a resource or at least the content all right like if you're married you've got conferences and counseling training on you and your coworkers that like soft skills in the workplace if you're dating their time as articles and blogs and we know that there are tons of books for all things parenting 101 but when it comes to Friendship there isn't like a manual or a guide on how to be a great friend or at least enough listen I really do believe that our friendships are the most influential we can invest in and that they caused the largest ripple affected to every other relationship dynamic that we have I believe dis so much that I see it actually happening at my two-year-olds life she understands family neither mine for death her aunties their hung close cousins G Paul granny but she also is catching on to this friendship thing because every time I meet a new group of people she's like mommy I think they're my friends and I'm just trying to figure out who these people are but that's not really the point the point is that applicator to she is distinguishing friends from family now you might be seeing her thinking that's cute she's also - I get it the adult friendship thing is kind of messy we come with our perceptions our baggage our expectations listen when I was being intentional about building her friendships I was the most unaware of how I was showing up in my relationship dynamics my self-awareness about my tone and conversation apparently didn't exist I had a bunch of walls up keep myself protected from being hurt by other people however I wasn't the most intentional person on the planet until I wasn't if I lost interest I wanted to move on from a relationship dynamic I would abruptly create space without explanation and as you can imagine there were people who aren't really feeling too good about this so after one too many bad breakups and friendships after having the same conversations over and over again I finally stood like wouldn't look myself in the mirror and said Kristen you are a trash friend listen my interactions with others was toxic now maintaining the friendship as an adult can be overwhelming emotionally and practically consumed what I have done saying that place too long it's realized that I have to do something what you have well if you're like me you don't always know what you want or rather what you dumped and so after over a decade of failing in friendship with some recovering success I want to offer a guide so that the future of friendship is promising here are nine ways to tell of your friend attraction all right the most happens the relationship is one side we all know one person is always initiating constantly pursuing the other person is kind of measuring cat in different right listen the great drop base once said it takes two to make a thing go back now I was working the other day and at some point I decided to get doing what we all do invest your money realize that the door was starting to open yeah I hear a voice say what are you doing now at this point I don't feel sick but as I'm collecting my thoughts and trying to process what's happening I respond as a using the restroom now the door is now closing and said person is an arm's length away from me I don't know about you but all boundaries feel crossed at this point but thank God it was just my daughter Amari which brings me to point number two in this list they do not respect your boundaries dr. memorycloud says that a boundary is a curvy line that we draw that distinguishes where you begin and where I end unless it snows in control of what what you're responsible for and what I'm responsible for but in a relationship dynamic when a person crosses that boundary they begin to trespass and it makes the emotional safety in their relationship fill compromise three they are not supportive now I've been an official DJ for the Indiana Pacers since 2013 so I am about to go into my sixth season of basketball with them now contrary to popular belief I've never played organized sport in my life so as you can imagine in season one there was a lot of learning that I had to do but I wanted to recognize that there were some patterns that I would that I would see in the games amongst fans and that is mainly in the fourth quarter if it did not look like it was going to end in our favor and that we were not going to win this game around four or five minutes left on the clock people start leaving the arena now here I am new to this and I'm going to been like where are you going we're selling this thing together but no no but maybe that was too much to expect from strangers or fans however it should not be this way in our trenches and our friendships we should feel like the people in our lives are supportive of us but could we feel like we're winning in life or not for they treat other people courtly now my husband I love him in respective however he has a deep affection for shoes some of you might know people like that as sneaker heads I'm taking out this looks in our closet there is a show I cannot even reach where there are boxes and boxes of shoes just lined up big nice but there are a lot of those shoes on the ground in a pile not took there so minute I'm trying to figure out what distinguishes these shoes from these shoes Oh No maybe it's the brand or a stylist you err and it's the functionnal yes I don't know how he makes those distinctions but I do know that when it comes to people their respect should be given to everyone not just those that you're trying to impress 5 they don't fight for you or with you one of the biggest misconceptions in friendship is that the absence of conflict means we're gonna listen I think personally that whenever anybody forfeits their desire for understanding or clarity or reconciliation in a relationship for the sake of keeping the peace that they start to lose a little more or of themselves as time goes on and that roots of bitterness and resentment and maybe forgiveness has the room to grow in that relationship sips what is six huh you're not better it's time when you're texting someone and you've been texting for a while but at some point the other person decides to call you now here is the moment of truth all right you need to stop the seven things you can been doing the entire conversation or you can put it down and make them a priority the choice is yours I receive maraboli says that when a person tells you that they're too busy it's not a reflection of their schedule it is a reflection of your spot-on there's everything now earlier in the summer my family and I he did the Disney thing and when I say we did the did the thing I mean we did the Disney thing I mean the resort all of the kingdoms okay we even take Universal Studios we had our Kaka passes I mean it was a whole thing and one day my daughter comes to me and she said mommy so her father and I are like it was tickets a fool we put her in the most modest thing you can find for a two-year-old we take it down the stairs each fold we put our things on the side and sit on the edge now we figure she should get her bearings so we give her a few minutes and then we look at her we say hey Amar'e un dos swim she kind of leans over and she goes no so we're the water and she's like this she goes oh and like it the Damari was live and she would lean over and she'd be like no at about 40 minutes of this she did graduate to coming down to the fourth step and leaping into our arms but don't get his wish that she wanted to turn right back around and go back to that top step which brings me to point number seven and that is they will not go deep some of you have friends that like sitting on the stairs at the pool you might go off the coffee and talk about your favorite show or you know talk about the game that happened last week but any time you're trying to get below the surface they're like yet if you ask them like my daughter they will say that they went swimming number eight they are abusive now I know as you're listening to this list you're probably thinking that there's room for exception in or nuance right but if somebody is ever treating you with cruelty or violence regularly or repeatedly there is no excuse or exception for that it is unacceptable and lastly in this list their character just sucks I mean really it's so unfortunate to meet a person and you start to like you think you're messing and then you realize over time the characters up know how this looks in Frenchness maybe they're flaky maybe they don't keep their word maybe they gossip they slander other people to you it probably means they might have something to say about you they're inconsistent they're not reliable listen as a person who had hearing scared honestly we're very very long time I know with a deep conviction that is very hard for our relationships with people like this but I will tell you that number nine I think is the root cause of 1 through 8 now before you go and cancel all of your friendships don't okay don't do it this list is not to be used as a weapon or an excuse to avoid the heart that healthy work of navigating the difficult parts of friendship this list is a tool it's a tool to help you make better choices when you stand at the crossroads of difference of difficulty in your friendships it's a tool to help you see patterns that lead to difficult conversations but conversations that create change in your relationship activities this list it's a call to love it's a call to standing it's a plea to have the hearts conversations listen I know the work of not having trash friends or being at rest rent is worth it and not just for the one relationship you've been thinking about this whole time but for every single relationship that you miss you won't ever have so yes making friends as an adult is hard but if you're going to make friends let them be great friends not trash [Music] [Applause]

Channel: TEDx Talks

Views: 55,313

Rating: 4.9300971 out of 5

Keywords: TEDxTalks, English, Entertainment, Friendship

Id: 41rwhfADC8c

Length: 13min 17sec (797 seconds)

Published: Tue Oct 22 2019