How To Deal With An Emotionally Immature Partner & When To Leave the Relationship

it's become clear that your partner is emotionally immature and if it's not quite clear go back to my last talk on the signs that your partner is emotionally immature and then come back and watch this one about what to do about it if you are in a relationship with someone that is emotionally immature it can be incredibly frustrating it can be confusing it can be overwhelming you can feel stuck or trapped or lonely or isolated because they don't have the emotional capacity to talk about things to work things out to address issues to work on things in the relationship to be there for you to consider your needs maybe even it's that you often feel confused and frustrated because you don't know what their needs are and you're trying to meet them but they don't have the emotional maturity to be able to express them and so you always feel like you're wondering and guessing it's making you feel anxious maybe even you've lost a lot of yourself in this relationship because you are taking all the responsibility for everything because they don't seem to be able to take the responsibility for anything so what can you do well in this talk we are going to look at several different ways that you can approach and address things with your partner that are likely going to get the ball rolling and get you both into a better place and get more of the healthy communication going of course you cannot control them but how you address things and show up and present an issue the way that you do that is going to make an impact on how they respond to it and their openness or willingness to be able to discuss it with you and work it through with you in a more emotionally mature way so as much as we cannot control anybody else we can manage ourselves better that will and often does change the outcome of any number of situations we're going to get into that but first if you're new here Welcome to our incredible little corner on the internet take a second introduce yourself in the comment section below if you're back again always good to have you special shout out to my shifters really glad you're here if you haven't already subscribed to the channel the buttons out right down there could like the video if you get something out of it that would be amazing and either way my name is Julia Christina and I'm a registered clinical therapist a researcher a coach and a speaker I'm the creator of my membership Community the shift Society where we are taking this work to the next level being guided supported and helped the entire way through you can get more information about the shift Society in the description below I help heart-c centered humans break through the crap that is holding them back so that they can like themselves and their lives more every day and being in a relationship with someone who is emotionally immature can be really crappy and it can feel even more crappy when we don't know what to do about it or to switch things around and create a different dynamic in the relationship and hopefully create more of an emotionally mature relationship on both people's sides so what do we do the first thing to do if you are in a relationship with an emotionally immature person and you're frustrated by it you're overwhelmed by it you're angry about it maybe even it's creating some resentment take a step back and really look at the bigger picture what types of things are they immature about is it everything or is it just certain things that you both keep getting tripped up on understanding that of course all of us have weaknesses and Imperfections and we don't always handle everything in the most emotionally mature way and sometimes we are reactive or explosive or get angry in certain situations and at certain times maybe depending on what else we have going on in our lives but when this is something that is happening repeatedly and frequently about several issues and you don't seem to be able to make any Headway on any of it then it is cause for concern but again if it is just an isolated bad moment if it is one or two things that you both keep getting stuck on then it's not everything and maybe you need to come back to those couple things and address them in a different way which you're going to learn about in just a second here but really just sessing out is it everything or is it just a couple things and maybe what is going on underneath the surface for these couple things that we keep having issues or conflict or upset about the next one is don't be afraid of addressing the person's behavior and bringing up when they have done something that doesn't feel good or that doesn't feel right or that's giving you cause for upset or concern now how we communicate is going to make all the difference here and one thing that I teach a lot of is how to communicate in a clean clear and classy way one of those things involves using your eye statements and being able to take full responsibility for your own experience not saying when you do this I feel like this saying I feel this way and this comes up for me when you do this or say this it is a very slight difference but it goes from blaming them and pointing fingers at them to saying hey this is what comes up for me when you say this when you do this when you act like this when you don't do this whatever that is this is how I feel this is how it impacts me and being able to own that now I have an entire course on clean clear classy and confident communication called speak and feel heard and that is going to teach you several steps and several methods for becoming a rockstar Communicator that is able to get the outcome that they want to be able to collaborate and being bring people into conversation all of that is in speak and feel heard you can get that the link is in the description below but above all having good communication skills and being able to bring things up is something that relationships need just shoving it down pushing it aside shoving it under the rug creates bitter and resentment and in the words of Dr John gotman who is a psychologist and one of the leading relationship Experts of our time he says that resentment in a relationship is poison and once enough resentment has been built it is almost impossible to recover from it so protecting your relationship from resentment comes with being able to talk about things to bring things up to address issues so it's not going to be everything but it's also not going to be nothing it's somewhere in between but now what if you bring something up and your partner starts to get angry starts to get defensive what do you do well again this comes back to your Stellar communication skills that you're going to learn and that speak and feel heard but it's going to mean that you do not lose your steady that their emotionally immature response does not create yours you get to decide how you respond to that it's your job to regulate yourself and to tune in and check in with where your boundaries are and maybe your boundaries are I am not available to have conversations that involve screaming and yelling and blaming and you say that you say this is an issue that I would like to work out I am not available for screaming yelling criticism or meanness but I will return to the conversation when you are ready to address me in a respectful way when you are willing to to work this out in a mature way and so you are stating you can do whatever you want but I am not available for that but I am available for this and that is part of assertive communication but it's also part of setting healthy boundaries when it comes to setting boundaries in relationships our partners also need to know where our boundaries are and we need to know where theirs are we need to be communicating with them this is okay with with me this is not okay with me this is what I like this is what I don't like this is what I want this is what I don't want this is what's going on with me in this realm this is what I feel about this certain thing so many things in relationships can be prevented and even resolved when two people understand each other better when we're able to say what's okay with us what's not okay with us to make a request for the changes that we want and even if it comes down to it saying I am not avail able for this you can do what you want you can yell and scream and get all upset but that's just not going to be helpful or be conducive to us working this out I will come back and address it when you have calmed down and are ready to look at this in an honest way so setting those boundaries getting that Clarity being honest with your partner and asking for that Honesty from them communicating in a clean clear and classy way you cannot guarantee or control whether or not they will but how you show up is going to impact the dynamic period the next thing open up conversations instead of saying you did this I don't like this how could you be like this saying there is an issue here there's something going on here let's talk about it let's work on coming up with a healthier solution to it let's try to understand each other better this is what was going on with me what was going on with you and now if you have a really emotionally immature partner they might not be able to immediately address what is going on with them but continue to ask them what was coming up for you what upset you about that I saw that you got really defensive what did you think that I meant by that I saw that you shut down when I brought this thing up what was happening inside of you so again opening up that conversation being able to say this is what was going on with me what was going on with you this is how I took it how did you mean it this is how I meant it how did you take it and being able to just set the stage for more healthy helpful productive conversations which brings us to the next one and this is a really fantastic strategy when it comes to conflict resolution especially in Partnerships or really close relationships often we go into a conflict seeing it is us against them they did this I want them to take responsibility they're to blame this is their issue and instead see it as this is the issue and it's the two of you not against each other but the two of you against the issue this is the problem in the relationship this is the thing that keeps coming up this is the frustration you keep getting stuck on with each other it's both of you being frustrated by this one particular issue and again it goes back to what do you need what's important to you what's your perspective what are your ideas and then both people expressing both of those things and working together to work it out this simple little shift is going to make a big difference in your relationships if you stop pitting yourself against your partner if it's that they are working late too often or you want to spend more time together or you don't feel like they're pulling their weight around the house or you kind of get the sense that they are not taking enough responsibility in their daily life seeing it as the both of you against the issue the other thing back to John gotman in his research he has said that through the years and years and hundreds of thousands of data points and research uh uh situations that they have been in and analyzed 60% of all conflict in relationships is unresolvable two different people two different manuals about how things should be what's right and wrong what's normal what's abnormal what's common sense what's not two different people with two different manuals two different Rule books and understanding that you're not always going to agree on everything or see eye to eye on everything or understand things in the same way as the other person so what do you do you accept some differences you develop a sense of humor about it and you work with each other in those points of congruence and connection and work on making peace with the points that are not unless they are deal breaker things that are causing you a lot of pain a lot of frustration breaking trust creating hurt making you not feel emotionally secure or safe or supported in the relationship then something else needs to be done our relationships are supposed to feel safe and supportive loving and connected that's why we get into Partnerships at least most of us in the first place so take a step back look at your relationship is there enough there to work with do do you feel safe and supported and secure and loved in your relationship are there enough working parts there that you think you two are going to be able to work it out if you are both making some changes and maybe getting some extra help and support to do so if it has become very clear that your partner is not emotionally mature enough or self-aware enough to be a safe secure and supportive partner it is also okay to reconsider the relationship and if you're struggling with communication in your relationship make sure you get that assertive and effective communication skills course speak and feel heard that link is in the description below and now let me know what connected with you what shifted in your mind what are you going to change about how you are addressing or approaching or even speaking to your partner being in a relationship with someone who is emotionally immature is not easy and it takes work to turn things around it also has to take a willingness at least somewhat of a willingness from both people but if you have that I think you guys can write this ship be good to yourselves be good to those around you until next time take good care

Channel: Julia Kristina Counselling

Views: 6,877

Keywords: boundaries, emotional intelligence, emotional immaturity, emotionally immature partner, emotionally immature, emotionally immature husband, emotionally immature woman, emotionally immature people, emotionally immature adults, emotionally immature spouse, emotionally immature wife, eq, emotionally intelligence, assertive communication, effective communication, good communication, relationship problems, immature husband, immature wife, immature partner, signs of immaturity

Id: pskLDupOsBU

Length: 15min 59sec (959 seconds)

Published: Thu Apr 18 2024