Don't Get Defensive - Do this Instead

do you often feel defensive do you go through life thinking that a lot of the things that you're running into a lot of the people that you're running into a lot of the experiences that you're having are threatening in some way and you feel the need to protect or defend yourself either push back fight back kind of stand there stunned and overwhelmed with emotion not knowing what to do or run away and avoid everyone and everything in order to protect yourself because you often feel so threatened if that's something that you do struggle with and we're going to talk about this today we're going to talk about why we get defensive what's really going on there and i'm going to give you a step-by-step process that you can start using right now that's going to help you regulate your emotions when you are feeling threatened and about to get defensive what you can do to move through that so you can go through life feeling more open and expansive and connected rather than defensive threatened and protected learning to become less defensive and more open is going to make a big difference in your life it's just going to give you so much more joy and freedom so i am excited to teach these to you and i'm excited for you to apply them if you're new here welcome to our incredible little corner on the internet take a second introduce yourself in the comment section below if you're back again say hello it's always good to have you for my shifters who are here special hello to you and yeah identify yourself in the comments section if you're wondering what a shifter is they are the members of my membership community the shift society where we're taking this work to a deeper level and getting supported and guided and accountability having accountability the whole way through you can get more information about the shift society in the description below also if you haven't already subscribe to the channel buttons about right down there like the video if you could hit the like button that would be amazing you know it's a small thing but it actually makes a big difference and i really appreciate that so thank you for all of you people who do hit the like button and for those of you who haven't if you could take a moment that would be awesome either way with all of this my name is julia christina and i am a registered clinical therapist a researcher a coach the creator of my membership community they talked about the shift society and i help heart-centered humans get through the crap that is holding them back so that they can like themselves and their lives more every day let's get into talking about being less defensive and understanding that when we're going through our everyday lives feeling defensive realizing that most of the things we are defending ourselves against are not actual threats to our existence there's a difference in just sort of our human experience between an actual threat to our safety and a threat to our ego and now when it comes to our safety being threatened yeah we typically do need to defend ourselves if you're you know out in a forest and get cornered by a ravenous wolf you're going to want to defend yourself to the best of your ability leave nothing on the table and you know try to get out of there alive that is completely normal and natural to fight back to do what you need to do to survive when your life is at risk most of us are not wandering through wolf infested forests on a regular basis and so the threats we are experiencing are threats to our ego threats to our sense of self and the more we struggle with our sense of self-worth the more we struggle with our sense of who we are with our confidence and our self-esteem the more fragile our ego is the more easy it is for that ego to feel threatened the more likely it is that we get defensive and so really taking a step back and really looking at that concept of ego threat and knowing that if i'm feeling defensive quite often then chances are i've got some some pain in there i've got some insecurities in there i've got some unresolved stuff that i need to deal with and perhaps some confidence to be building perhaps i need to start believing in myself more feeling better about who i am and kind of building that solid sense of self so that i don't feel kind of knocked around quite so easily and that's what happens right when we're feeling defensive we're feeling kind of knocked around we're feeling kind of unsteady on our feet so we need to kind of fight back right and we need to push back in order to try and feel more solid but what often happens is when we do get defensive we don't end up feeling more solid we end up you know lashing out and alienating saying and doing things that we regret which then makes us feel even more insecure because we're like oh my gosh i'm like just so out of control and i just lash out and i just like you know like get so angry at people and kind of you know ruin relationships i blow things up a lot because i'm feeling threatened and i just can't seem to control myself or maybe i can control myself but i still am doing things that afterwards i don't like that i want to feel better about how i'm handling things i don't want to feel so threatened i don't want to go through my life i feel like everything and everyone is a threat and i need to protect myself i don't like that feeling i want to feel just more solid and secure and open and so working through this process that i'm going to teach you it is a process that is you're going to need to practice right when it comes to our brains because we've been doing the same thing the same way for so long if you've gone through life feeling really defensive for a long time and again it's probably for a good reason right maybe you felt really threatened when you were growing up maybe you felt insecure maybe you felt unsafe maybe you were told things about yourself that made you feel really bad and you continue to have those same beliefs about yourself and so whenever those pains or insecurities get hit you try to protect them right so do not blame yourself if you get defensive not think that you're a terrible purpose person knowing that all behavior is purposeful we do it for a reason it's just not always helpful it's just not always getting us to our goal it might think that we're doing something you know useful in the moment that i'm like protecting myself but then the problems that it can cause the overall problems it can cause and then the other feelings that it can bring up in us like i said that you know feeling angry and feeling upset and feeling resentful a lot of the time you know getting really bitter like that doesn't feel good and so it can kind of create these bigger issues even if in the moment sort of our instinct makes sense we're trying to protect ourselves and so going through this process it's going to be something if you've been doing this for a long time then we're going to have to take the time to go through this process several times to for it to start really making a longer term impact and you're going to have to go through it intentionally several times and then eventually your brain will start to pick up on it and it will become more automatic and i can tell you from my own experience as someone who used to take things really personally get offended really easily get put off you know by kind of seemingly insignificant things in hindsight but in the moment it always feels like a big deal and feeling really defensive and feeling like i needed to protect myself a lot and then learning how to manage my mind and emotions when those triggers when those things are being triggered when that defensiveness is being triggered those pains are being hit those insecurities are being brushed up against and learning how to do it repeating it and then kind of changing those patterns in my brain doing it intentionally at first and then it eventually does become more automatic you just kind of change those neural pathways in your brain when you handle something intentionally differently enough times creates new patterns in your brains and brain and then it becomes more automatic where you just sort of are automatically able to manage those triggers and calm your defenses calm your defenses and cool your jets so let's get into talking about this process of what to do when whoever or whatever is triggering your defensiveness now the first thing we need to do is we need to take a step back and we need to take a bit of an inventory and reflect on the people places or circumstances that tend to trigger our defensiveness the most often it is is it a certain co-worker that when they make certain side comments you get really defensive is it a family member that when they you know have opinions about what you're doing with your life or what they think you should be doing with your life you get really defensive what is it who is it where is it that you tend to get defensive what topics what issues right what kind of looks what tones of voice for me i get defensive and i'm really working on this one but i get defensive when someone talks to me in a belittling voice that for me really kind of triggers a defensiveness it actually triggers quite a bit of anger being talked down to and that's you know that's of course that's understandable no one likes to get talked down to but i'm learning how to not get defensive around it and how to be assertive around it and just be able to say like hey i don't like that i'm not okay with that i don't talk to you like that please don't talk to me like that instead of being like what's your problem like you're an ass or you're a jerk or who do you think you are like right not lashing out being able to say like i don't like this this is what i would like instead that's not defensiveness defensiveness that is assertiveness defensiveness is pushing back assertiveness is holding your ground so just to kind of make that distinction there but as that was just an aside to giving you an example of that but really just getting curious about the things that trigger your descent defenses where you notice yourself either lashing out or just like standing there frozen right that kind of fight flight freeze response shows up when you're feeling threatened you just kind of stand there frozen and overwhelmed with emotion or don't know what to do or you like run away and avoid because you just can't handle it right or maybe if it's in a meeting you go and sit and cry in the bathroom because you know you just you run away and like cry in the bathroom instead of actually dealing with and addressing the issue in a mature way because it just feels too overwhelming take stock where do you get triggered where does that defensiveness get triggered then when we do notice ourselves feeling triggered feeling that defensiveness come up immediately notice what it feels like in your body what that sort of tension maybe it's like a tense feeling in your belly or like a hot feeling or in your head or like kind of a tingling feeling in your armpits where you're like oh no you didn't or you're just like or you feel that kind of shame right someone gives you a certain look and you kind of feel shame and then you get ready to like you know face it or run from it or just kind of freeze in it start to pay attention as to what it feels like in your body notice it what's coming up for me right now what's going on in my body and then slow your breath right when we are getting defensive where that fight flight response is kicking in and we are going into self-preservation mode and so then we lose that kind of rational thought from our brain and our our emotional brain kicks in and our fight or flight our survival is trying to kick in and so then we don't we can't think clearly and so what we need to do is we need to break that cycle i mean to get in there we need to start breathing to get more oxygen to our brain get the blood back to our brain instead of our limbs that are going to help us you know fight or flight out of the situation we need to get the bug back into our brain so we can access the cortex which is our rational thinking brain and be able to just sort of slow the whole process down a bit so take a deep breath just be able to sit there and be like okay i noticed that tense feeling in my belly i noticed that hot feeling in my head i noticed that maybe that lump in my throat or that tingling in my armpits and i'm just going to take a breath and i'm just going to notice i'm feeling defensive right now a pain has been hit and insecurity has been brushed up against something is feeling threatened which brings us to our next step is to then start to get curious what is feeling threatened if someone gave me a sideways look in a meeting what am i making it mean am i making it mean that they think that i'm stupid they think they're better than me you know they they are just like judging me in some way is that what i'm making it mean if my parent comments on my weight am i making that mean that you know that i'm gross that i'm unattractive that there's something wrong with me because they have a certain opinion about what a human body is supposed to look like based on their own socialization it's kind of just made up anyways what's going on why am i feeling defensive what am i thinking is happening what am i thinking that i need to protect the next step is to consider the source and we so rarely do this we give so many people who haven't earned that authority to have opinions on our lives or whatever it is we haven't they haven't earned the authority to have that or maybe it is just that that's the way that they talk right we get really defensive and instead of just being like okay this is kind of the way this person just talks to everyone they're kind of a little bit gruff they may be a little bit aloof maybe they kind of you know look out of the side of their eyes when they're talking to everyone and i'm interpreting that as judgmental but maybe that's just the way that they are and i'm going to consider the source and be like okay maybe that's they're not actually um they're not actually uh judging me they're just that's just the way that they are and i am interpreting it in that way and i'm getting defensive because i'm feeling threatened but maybe that's not what's really happening or maybe it's just something that a person always does we're like you know like i i know that this person in this meeting is always going to question my ideas and i don't need to get defensive that's just what they always do i don't need to be surprised when they do it i need to get put off when they do it that's just what they do that's just them being then i can decide how i want to handle it in that particular circumstance right or maybe it's like a sibling that comments on your career choices and whenever you get together with the family they always comment like oh that's what you're doing well that's interesting and then you have this need to like defend yourself instead of being like you know what now they're always kind of judgy they always are kind of like looking their nose down at people i don't need to be surprised i don't need to get worked up about it that's just them whatever i'm just not gonna i'm not gonna kind of absorb that i'm not gonna let whatever they have going on control what i have going on i'm gonna be in charge of what i have going on and what i'm feeling do i need to get worked up about this right consider the source and then also really deciding yeah does this person ha do i want to give this person authority to throw me off to do i need to defend myself against this person do with what they think and what they say and what their opinions are what their criticisms are do i want to take those seriously or do i just want to give them back to them and just leave it so consider the source and then decide whether or not you want to accept or leave it or just kind of just walk away from the whole thing we're allowed to do that we're allowed to just sort of not engage with someone who is acting a certain way whether intentionally or not we get to decide how and if we want to engage with that now there are going to be times where we're not just going to say whatever that's your opinion like i don't accept it i don't take it you don't know what you're talking about there might be times where someone has feedback and instead of getting defensive we can listen and consider and be able to say okay i don't need to feel threatened my ego doesn't need to feel threatened i'm not a terrible person if someone has a has feedback on my idea and is like looking for kind of maybe some like has found some holes in my argument and is trying to make this idea better right i don't need to feel threatened by that and think i'm a terrible person it's just like my human capacity has limits my brain has limits and here's a person who's offering more to that maybe i could consider that or if someone's questioning my decision maybe it's not that they're a horrible person that doesn't trust me maybe it's that they've had some different experience and they're concerned and are just offering some alternatives or wanting me to consider this at a deeper level and maybe i haven't done that and maybe i need to do that yeah maybe there is some truth to what they're saying maybe there is some validity there i don't have to push everyone and everything away that kind of pushes back against what i have or what i'm doing or what i'm thinking i can maturely take a step back and consider it and then i can decide whether or not i want to reflect on it and do something differently with it or if i just want to give it back and say you know what actually i'm good with this i'm proud of this decision i'm doing this i have thought this out and i am going to go in this direction or i'm going to keep doing this or i am going to stay keep things the way that they are because i have thought about this and i'm okay with it and i'm also okay if you're not so deciding what we want to reflect on and what we want to give back that we don't want to or not interested in receiving and then this natural progression after we have considered the source after we have decided whether or not we are going to accept and take in and reflect on what this person is saying and do some learning from it or if we're just going to give it back to them and say no not interested not available for this i'm just going to leave that with you then we actually take the action to do that so we decide whether or not we're going to engage in that conversation and actually engage in the conversation help to understand the person's feedback ask for more information maybe learn from it grow from it expand from it we decide if we're going to do that or if we're just going to say you know what i'm going to allow you to have those thoughts have those opinions and i'm just going to leave that with you and whatever you do with that that is up to you the other thing that we can do is choose selective non-engagement where we're just deciding to just not engage if the person makes the comment or rolls the eyes or you know kind of says the thing out of the side of their mouth they were just like i'm just not available i'm just not engaging with this i'm not going to defend this i'm not going to bring this you know get involved in this i'm just going to choose to not engage with that not interested not available so that is another option another option that you might want to try that can be really great especially if you don't want to get defensive not get it get pulled into something not kind of create a necessary drama is to just agree with the person it's called rolling with resistance it's a tool we use in psychology a lot of the time when you feel resistance from someone just rolling with it and agreeing with them so let's say you're at a family dinner and your mom is like oh going for seconds are we just rolling with it and being like yeah would you like to have seconds too right or if someone is like wow well that's an interesting career choice it is isn't it so just fully agreeing with them oh wow you seem to be pretty confident about yourself aren't you yeah actually i've been working on my confidence i i am thanks for noticing right not in like a thanks for noticing kind of attitude way but more i'm just like yeah it's it's true instead of getting defensive instead of like pushing back just sort of rolling with it and knowing that i don't have to defend myself if i am solid and secure in who i am if i feel comfortable and confident in my decisions my choices what i'm doing with my life then i can both be open to feedback consider feedback decide what i want to do with that feedback or just go with it and not defend myself or just not engage with it at all and this is going to really help us become less defensive when we work on our ego right when we don't have a fragile ego that's really kind of feeling easily kind of pushed around and and threatened when we're like i'm solid i'm secure i've done my work i'm good you might still get like initially triggered by stuff but you're going to be able to catch it a lot quicker and move through it and realize that i don't need to be defensive feeling solid and secure and who you are starts with being able to trust yourself that's the foundation of any healthy relationship including our relationship with ourselves i have a guide for you it's the simple steps to self-trust you can get it in the description below that's going to walk you through the step-by-step process to be able to trust yourself more it's a great foundational piece to help you build that confident secure sense of self and just feeling good about who you are you can grab that also get on the waitlist for the shift society so that you know when we open up registration you want to get in there taking this work to the next level doing it with support from me the rest of the community accountability step-by-step tools it's amazing you're going to love it get more information about that in the description as well always good to have you here love to hear your thoughts and until next time take good care you

Channel: Julia Kristina Counselling

Views: 19,310

Keywords: defensive, don't be defensive, don't defend yourself, you don't have to defend yourself, how to be less defensive, how to not get defensive, the school of life, schooloflife, defensiveness, secure, defend yourself, hold your ground, how to not feel defensive, why do we get defensive, julia counsellor, julia kristina, youtube therapist, be confident, feel secure, self trust, don't doubt yourself, too defensive, cbt therapy, triggered, emotional maturity, emotional intelligence

Id: zP-nyM2N24Q

Length: 21min 59sec (1319 seconds)

Published: Thu Dec 30 2021