happy birthday colin jost (my fav snl 46 moments)

everyone welcome to weekend update i'm michael che i'm colin jost i really truly forgot for a second say we will about 2020 but uh it's got moves meanwhile in the u.s bull semen is sold legally under the name white claw a new poll shows that 75 percent of lgbtq voters support joe biden but zero percent of them support joe biden guessing what the b t and q stand for it this is worse a new halloween costume being sold this year is for sexy hand sanitizer which i think is just lube this week was mental illness awareness week and trust me we're aware president and active bio weapon donald trump took his doctors hostage and broke out of the hospital like sarah connor in terminator 2. come on look at him he's like an evil oprah you're getting coveted you're getting covered you're getting covered and look under your seats it's a ventilator he started in florida and showed off how healthy his brain is saying this they say i'm immune i can feel i feel so powerful yeah nothing says i'm off steroids like screaming i feel so powerful like like sloth from the goonies and to whatever country gets trump i just want to apologize because we're not sending our best or our brightest revealed that after president trump was warned that rudy was being fed misinformation by the russians trump just shrugged his shoulders and said that's rudy thursday by cbs nasa has announced plans to put a full 4g cell phone network on the moon while at t has announced plans to put almost two bars on your earth phone german researchers have recorded the shortest interval of time for an event to begin and end the event finished so quickly scientists have named it che it is all talk and no action why didn't biden just say [ __ ] show us your taxes show us the vaccine show us the wall and show us what prison you locked hillary in unfortunately we can't show you the video not because it violates standards but because anyone who watches it dies in seven days it's a fun one bud light has introduced new flavors of its hard seltzers for the holiday season including apple crisp peppermint patty and ginger snap though it's hard to taste the flavor when you're so drunk you reach for a bud light peppermint patty and hey guys fun tip you can also make your own bud light peppermint patty at home by combining scope and vodka jared kushner who always looks like a child dressed up for a funeral do you know how bad you have to be for paris to ring church bells when you lose pretty soon we will never have to listen to donald trump again we may want to listen sometimes for entertainment just like we might want to slow down to get a better look at a burning car but we don't have to yesterday shows lawyers open another door on their advent calendar of losing whatever you want us to believe sir i'm in okay i see you you is smart you is kind you is important but you need to go [Applause] sources also say that trump is considering giving a pre-emptive pardon to rudy giuliani i assume for rudy's crime of murdering his own legacy and yes at one point in the hearing giuliani audibly farted which was somehow a high point in terms of dignity if you haven't seen it have a listen the answer that i gave you is they didn't bother to interview a single witness just like you you gotta respect that he just kept going just a total pro but you know that your election fraud theories are pretty dumb when even your butt is like objection [Laughter] mike pence who looks like a polar bear went to work i gotta be honest i'm beginning to think that donald trump didn't win this election also he's a billionaire and he keeps asking his supporters for like five dollars isn't that just sad it's like saying for the price of a cup of coffee a day you can help a desperate old man pretend he's still president who at any point this year thought we have almost too much vaccine what the hell are your priorities like you don't have the money for life-saving vaccines but you can start up a space army it's like the captain of the titanic while it's going down saying you guys want to start a space army as a president he was mostly bad but there were a few bright spots so before he is tranquilized and moved like a dinosaur in jurassic park senate majority leader mitch mcconnell seen here calmly watching a school bus stall on some railroad tracks officials in georgia say that more than 50 children may have been exposed to coronavirus by a mall santa which is the second worst thing a mall santa can expose children to and hey now the terrorist watch list includes white people so yay for diversity yay for diversity it's important to see yourself represented southwest airlines has changed their policy for emotional support animals and will now only allow cats and dogs on board while over its spirit everyone's given a snake an interview with biden will air before tomorrow's super bowl between the bucks and the chiefs incidentally buck and chief are also what biden calls his friends when he forgets their names mitch mcconnell seen here ignoring a toddler who fell through the ice it's the same reason did i do that was urkel's catchphrase and not ojs former social media influencer donald trump he will not testify at his impeachment trial next week and i think i speak for all of us when i say come on please trump is not going to be doing that but he will be defended at the trial by the lawyers who refused to prosecute bill cosby and who agreed to represent jeffrey epstein before his death which raises the question what does trump think he's being impeached for okay but take it from new york when you drive out the sex stuff that's when the elmo's move in look i know there are probably bigger things happening in the world but can we talk about ted cruz's hair for like an hour a marine base in california revealed the 10 pounds of c4 explosives have gone missing from the facility so it's either a domestic terror plot or someone's having a gender reveal party it was reported that after morgan wallin lost his recording contract when he was caught on video using the n-word sales for his albums rose over a thousand percent proving my long-held theory that if nbc would just let me say it the ratings will go up nasa's rover perseverance successfully landed on mars and has started a twitter account to send back updates first it was i'm safe on mars then collected first soil sample and then oh no why is there no white history month wow it really figured out twitter fast a popular new hashtag among teenagers is simp which describes boys who are overly nice to girls they like as in only a simp would flee a disaster just because his wife wanted to go to cancun well if you hate ted cruz this is a pretty fun week and if you like ted cruz then you're ted cruz you feel guilty many conservatives in texas are falsely blaming the state's power outages on renewable energy sources while other conservatives think that the power outages are more likely the result of gay marriage the administration introduced a new immigration plan that would offer an eight-year path to citizenship for 11 million undocumented immigrants but i don't know if that's such a great idea i mean have you seen the people coming in from mexico these days well just like me when i'm drunk congress decided to spend a bunch of money at 2 30 in the morning for a preview of trump's speech give your grandpa cocaine here's just a sample of his killer set i gotta say orlando is awesome it's not as nice as cancun yeah no stop you don't do that no you are not in on the joke it is not for you to enjoy also what grown man yells orlando is awesome if you hear a grown man yell orlando is awesome you should probably check his hard drive researchers have discovered a piece of 20 million year old petrified wood on the greek island of lesbos they knew it was from lesbos because it's double-ended oh the chief well you're not gonna like this the chief of the cherokee nation is calling on car maker jeep to stop using the tribe's name on its vehicles so jeep has agreed to change the name to wow the ancho mimo mobile pepsi announced a new peeps flavored soda for easter it's perfect for easter because it will make your digestive system say jesus christ pictures also appeared online of president biden referencing detailed cheat sheets during his press conference and we actually have an exclusive look at one of them mitch mcconnell seen here authorizing the vet to put his kid's dog to sleep representative matt gates who looks like a caricature artist drawing of me gates then defended himself releasing this very normal statement see if any of it sounds suspicious to you matt gates has never paid for sex matt gates has never ever been on any such websites whatsoever matt gates cherishes the relationships in his past and looks forward to marrying the love of his life here's my response statement colin jost does not believe you colin jost thinks you've been to all the websites and colin jones thinks he should hold off on sending out those wedding invites laws and you know you messed up when delta is like hey you gotta treat people with respect pfizer also said that its cova vaccine is safe and effective for teens aged 12 to 15. well that's a relief said matt gates favorite moment was when gates pointed out how much support he's getting from other politicians this past week has been full of encouragement from president trump marjorie taylor greene and jim jordan oh no oh no did you think those were good character references who was next on his list the ghost of jeffrey epstein remember how frustrated and angry you get assembling a dresser now imagine at the end of that you had a gun um i don't know if you guys were following the news today but a space rocket that was spinning out of control just minutes ago crashed into the ocean and for once we know it's not elon's fault a lot of people have been wondering why is he hosting our show and now we know it's because he needed an alibi experts say that one of the biggest obstacles to hurt immunity is that many white evangelical christians are refusing the vaccine and look evangelical christians i know you guys want to get into heaven but it's not a race disneyland's snow white ride is being criticized because prince charming kisses snow white without her consent while she's asleep which still isn't as bad as universal studios knew cosby the ride chicago officials announced that they're releasing more than a thousand feral cats into the city to help combat its growing rat problem or as the chicago health commissioner explained it the cats combat the rats and that's dad ohio state university reported that a massage therapist hold on senator mitch mcconnell seen here watching a poor family get evicted on christmas eve ibm announced that it has created the world's smallest and most powerful microchip not now thanks to opposition from mitch mcconnell seen here at the demolition of a children's hospital republicans just want to forget the riots ever happen and focus on the future of their party and the future of their party is of course [Applause] yikes good night

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Length: 12min 56sec (776 seconds)

Published: Tue Jun 29 2021