Guest Host Wanda Sykes on 4th of July, CDC Diarrhea Warning & Getting Rid of Annoying People

hello everyone hello wow thank you for watching thank you for coming i'm your guest host for the week ron sykes i'm filling in for jimmy while he's on vacation although there are rumors going around that he's actually in rehab okay i'm starting the rumor that he's in rehab well let's see if we can get it going that's hashtag cottonmouth kimmel see what happens you know i've been covering for lots of people who are getting time off ellen last week jimmy this week next week i'll be filling in for bill cosby at the pennsylvania state penitentiary so look did you all have a good long weekend yeah i hope you had fun taking blurry pictures of fireworks you'll never look at i know i did everybody's doing fireworks look at that fireworks all over okay wait a minute now when i shot that i was at least three margaritas deep and thought i was ava duvernay so this year the fourth of july fell on a sunday so all over america people were sitting in church wearing star-spangled booty shorts just as the founding fathers intended [Applause] hey you may have seen this online facebook ceo mark zuckerberg celebrated our nation's independence in the dorkiest way possible my mama takes me home country road for some reason that offends me more than the people who stormed the capitol he wasn't exactly washington crossing the delaware was it okay so now you might be saying riding an electric surfboard by yourself while holding a flag is the saddest thing you've ever seen but he did bring along a friend [Music] i didn't know i didn't know that you you knew each other you know mark zuckerberg yeah we met at the post office the post office yeah we were putting our taxes together i got a feeling your envelope was a little thicker than mark zuckerberg's just a little bit yeah no but real how did you celebrate the fourth oh we had barbecue with the whole family and drink a lot of tequila but they're drinking a lot of tequila that's like a tuesday right that's like uh that's that's normal every thought i got to hang out with your family man but i will say after dealing with nothing but covet it was nice for a change to have our emergency rooms crowded with people who blew their fingers off with fireworks that's progress that's progress right right uh you know the cdc told people to be careful over the holiday weekend because of that delta strain of covet but that's not the only thing they're warning us about this is a real thing the cdc tweeted out from their official account don't swim or let your kids swim if sick with diarrhea one person with diarrhea can contaminate the entire pool and they included this little video to go with it [Applause] i guess the cdc still has some trump appointees hanging around and aaron did that i know that was eric look but look here's the thing though i'm sorry if you had diarrhea and was still able to walk out of your house and to go swimming i applaud you that's that's just brave that's brave so to recap folks please don't get diarrhea in the pool get diarrhea and bubble gum shrimp company like a normal american oh some of y'all big bubblegum fans okay damn i love that shrimp it's worth the diarrhea so you know there were celebrations all over the country this weekend look at what happened at a fourth of july parade in texas rockwell police say a woman on a tractor endangered the lives of people at the city's fourth of july parade saturday morning parade organizers say lori bostick was riding in the staging area they say she refused to cooperate with instructions that she was given police say she then ignored officers and attempted to join the parade they say she refused to stop when officers tried to get her tube but eventually they were able to get her off the road she ended up crashing the tractor into a fence now i've seen the cops shoot black people for taking a nap at a ford fiesta but jean short karen over here plows through a parade on the tractor no problem so this brings me to a new feature i'm introducing doing my run here on the show the side i cam make sure we keep that thing going cause i'm gonna be using it a lot so that was in texas and over in florida the fourth of july was very um florida-e and with that said it's time for tonight's edition of this week in florida [Music] people living on a cape coral canal got an early fourth of july show it wasn't one you could see but you could definitely hear it the dogs were barking and we go outside and and this guy is screaming i mean so loud i knocked on every door in the area where this happened no one admitted that this was them so you know i see i know you're all laughing at this guy but i'm telling you i'm on his side for real like he's probably he probably has like four chihuahuas you know one with three legs you know screaming baby and people are shooting off m80s over his house so he got up at 2 47 am just to get some revenge on his neighbors see that man is an inspiration and in his honor on sunday morning i'm gonna run through my neighborhood yelling leave blow up leaf blower so this was a big story in the world of business jeff bezos stepped down as ceo of amazon yesterday oh boy so guillermo you know what that means [Music] wow yeah it means it means my fish oil pills are going to be delayed oh wow did you order anything from amazon you got anything you ain't knowing yeah i i ordered some underwear yeah okay yeah on sunday oh okay it's okay let's let's we're gonna really hope you get those underwear i hope so i hope so okay honestly are you are you like rambo in it right now no no no no no yeah you know you can do that with jimmy but i require draws i want draws [Applause] okay and this is crazy on july 20th besos will fulfill his childhood dream on blasting off the space in a big metal penis it's powered by a rocket fuel and viagra and gary did you know that they have to have to crush up the viagra first wow good to know yeah yeah you got to crush it up first you can't just throw viagra pills in the rocket you got all right thank you for telling us anyway folks i'm very happy to be here tonight but i'm also here to make some damn money so so i wanted to tell you about a new business venture i started yeah i think it could really make a difference in people's lives take a look hi i'm wanda sykes i've spent my life saying things you can only dream of saying write to people's big stupid faces and now i'm bringing my services to you with londis is telegrams for a moderate fee of just 199.99 plus mandatory tip i'll tell people in your life the stuff you're too afraid to say your co-worker won't stop clipping her nails at her desk i tell that psycho to cut that out your dumb cousin won't stop talking about his air fryer i'll tell him to shut the up with telegrams the possibilities are endless i'll set anybody straight from your friends who love to bike hit a major hill that blasted my quads sauce yeah lizzy no one over the age of six is impressed you ride a bike bob prius like a normal adult and put on some pants you look like thanks to your most annoying office mate are you microwaving fish at work of course it's tilapia tuesday no it's not josh also dave in the county wants you to know your breath is horrible stacey and sales says you wear too much cologne the whole office hates you have a nice day wait can i get that fish i'm on a tilapia inspired diet to your frenemies lol okay listen up camille 20 of your friends sent me here to tell you to stop saying lol out loud it's annoying and it makes zero sense when you say it in person no no omg that's even worse w-t-f s-t-f-u s-c-f-u why decisions telegrams you may be chicken wand is not liable for property damage extreme bodily harm explosive diarrhea

Channel: Jimmy Kimmel Live

Views: 576,588

Keywords: jimmy, jimmy kimmel, jimmy kimmel live, late night, talk show, funny, comedic, comedy, clip, comedian, mean tweets, Monologue, Guillermo, Live Audience, Hollywood, Guest Host, Wanda Sykes, 4th of July, Holiday, Summer Guest Hosts, Mark Zuckerberg, CDC, Fireworks, Coronavirus, COVID-19, Diarrhea, Summer, Tractor, Side eye cam, Florida, Texas, Jeff Bezos, Amazon

Id: WLzVY060FUI

Length: 12min 46sec (766 seconds)

Published: Tue Jul 06 2021