Guest Host Martin Short Delivers Contractually Obligated Trump Jokes & Introduces New Energy Drink

stop loving me stop loving me thank you thank you and welcome to Jimmy Kim alive I'm your guest host Martin Short and I know what you're all thinking Martin Short is way too famous to be doing this and I am so good night everybody now I got such rave reviews from last night's show I I can't stop now isn't that right I'm sorry what was your name again AO exactly this is my second night here and I have to say it's even harder than Jimmy makes it look ever since I agreed to host the show I've been trying to get Co but I didn't so here I am Mom can you can you believe truthly that Co is still a thing Co is is one of those words where we all hope would we'd never hear again like scaramucci and mamore you know we have so much to get to here starting with the heartbreaking news that everyone is talking about Hooters yesterday announced they are closing dozens of their underperforming Loc locations yeah I know why is it that an underperforming Hooters is sad but an overperforming Hooters is a brothel I don't understand this is a tough one uh for me on a personal level uh the Hooters in Long Beach is where my kids had their first communion so although Kyle it could be good for you yeah because you just opened that only well-endowed waiters restaurant of yours senior testicles that's also what they call Chevy Chase now listen so uh breast and peace are dearly departed Hooters guess it's back to watching porn on iPad at Applebees for me I don't know okay now what oh the producers are saying it's time for my contractually obligated Jimmy Kimmel Live Trump jokes it's apparently a must around here so it's is it okay if I do this [Applause] material okay here we go there are reports that if Trump gets reelected Melania might not live in the White House with him apparently Melania hated her time in Washington but she still might come to DC for State dinners and official events yes that's when she really comes alive I actually have a little empathy for Melania I mean she entered into this marriage she had a certain expectation and that expectation was that the average life expectancy for an American male is 76.3 years old you know almost every first lady has lived in the White House with her husband except for Nancy Reagan who spent most of the 80s shacked up with m T that's that's the only picture of them we can show on television it's and while some may find it odd that we could have a president in a longdistance relationship Trump's former Chief of Staff Mick malany thinks it makes perfect sense the former first lady not playing a big role possibly in her husband's presidential campaign axio now reporting that she might not return fulltime to DC look this is the issue when you are rich and famous and beautiful like Mrs Trump was before she was pres uh first lady being first lady can be a real step down you lose the ability to go out you lose the ability to have friends over it it can be a very confining sort of role thank you the guy who looks like the melted face Nazi from Indiana Jones maybe if Trump wins Melania can just move to Canada because according to the story I saw today there are plenty of trump-like con artists up there too this is a cautionary tale about a woman from Ontario who hired a psychic to rid her home of ghosts and got a lot less than she bargained for the psychic told her to get rid of evil spirits would cost her $10,000 but after Marie Jean paid that money he said he needed more because the evil spirits were too strong she gave him a total of $46,000 and was told to get jars from a dollar store so they could be captured in ritual they're going to have to be caught in these jars and captured and taken to Niagara Falls to be killed after that she was told her life would be wonderful and this piece of foil in a frame would protect her but then she was told the evil spirits came back and it would cost another $20,000 at that point she felt duped at that point until then everything seemed Totally Above board fo me once shame on you fool me nine times here's another 20 grand hilarious now Kyle let me ask you this did you hear the news about Starbucks no no what's the news now this is fascinating Starbucks launched a new energy drink today it's called iced energy and it's the same amount of caffeine as six cans of coke and it's true and it's now available at every Starbucks just in time for Joe Biden to shoot it up his ass before the debate on Thursday personally I don't need iced energy though because I'm launching my very own energy drink and tonight at long last I am pleased to unveil it to the world oh hi there I'm actor comedian philanthropist and award-winning adult film star Martin SCH perhaps you remember my first foray into pornography banged the bum slowly people always ask me Marty how do you have so much energy and usually I tell those people get the away from me thanks but I'm finally ready to share my secret with the world Scientology I'm just kidding I ran away in the late ' 80s although Travolta is still a CH it's all thanks to my proprietary energy drink short blast short blast squid titties with short blast short blast I have the stamina to do all my favorite activities J Mary and Joe pessy each batch of short glass is brewed by me unlicensed hot air balloonist Martin Short with the finest ingredients Jin sing electrolytes green tea and these pills for my couch which I believe are expired ader all and a rare powdered extract from the leaves of something called a Coca plant from the jungles of columia guaranteed fres because I smell each batch myself it's fresh [Music] Lucifer's rectum that's spicy so pick up a case of short FL today excuse me Mr Martin Shore can I have some more your drink what did you say to me I I'll kill you you son of a warning short blast is categorized by the FDA as a class 1a toxin which may cause temporary blindness adult acne and pubic care loss do not consume short blast if you have a pending drug possession charge or pregnant or plan on becoming pregnant short shut up I'm pregnant and I drink it all day long where is that voice coming from [Applause]

Channel: Jimmy Kimmel Live

Views: 897,600

Keywords: jimmy, jimmy kimmel, jimmy kimmel live, late night, talk show, funny, comedic, comedy, clip, comedian, mean tweets, Monologue, Guillermo, Hollywood, Los Angeles, West Coast, Summer, Guest Host, Martin Short, Marty, Covid, Hooters, chain Restaurant, California, Donald Trump, Trump, Melania, White House, First Lady, Starbucks, New Drink, Short blast, Energy Drink

Id: vleEAnsOIvs

Length: 8min 53sec (533 seconds)

Published: Wed Jun 26 2024