Guest Host Kumail Nanjiani on Trump Bashing Clooney, Biden at NATO & a VERY Honest Graduation Speech

welcome to Jimmy K live I am your guest host C Nani thank you for coming this is my first time ever hosting a late night talk show never done it before I am so excited to be here what a super chill time to be doing a topical monologue on National Television just sharing your personal opinions with millions of people feel like right now I could come out in favor of ranch dressing and it would still end my [Applause] career this is a big night for ABC and not just because I'm hosting Kimmel tonight was the SPs an event I know literally nothing about but what I do know is that every year they shamefully Overlook my favorite sport cricket they do yeah Cricket fans in the house if you are not familiar with the rules of cricket it's a lot like baseball except um do we have 3 hours no all right we'll have Anthony Anderson do it next week now Cricket is an awesome game plus all the lingo sounds like it could be a sex act okay these are all real I did not make this up I'm going to read them a bunch they're all real beat the bat block hole ball tampering point of release donkey drop mlly grubber nip backer reg cherry rip Tickler sticky dog Sticky Wicket and finally the corridor of uncertainty also known as the Kate today also happens to be July 11th 711 AKA free slurpee day special day for you right guo right yes yeah you love Slurpees I do a lot what's your favorite flavor uh the the blue one the blue one sounds like a fan can't name it but love them I love Slurpees too because you know it lets you pull the levers and make the flavors yourself like what am I a little scientist it's exciting finally my parents will be proud of me okay all right calm down serious question serious questions should humans be ingesting something with the word slur and P in the name but the biggest gulp of the day was the one every White House took during President Biden's high stakes press conference tonight yeah Biden spoke to reporters of the NATO Summit in Washington DC and here's how it went I got hairy legs that turn that that that that that that turn uh um blonde in the sun okay that wasn't from this press conference but it was from another press conference so Biden's conference today was a big deal because it was unscripted like the whole country got invited to our Grandpa's level one improv class whenever Biden speaks it's like I'm a stage mom at her six-year-old's commercial audition watching from the sidelines like come on honey you got this we need you to land this job so we can keep our health insurance and keep my family out of concentration camps yeah okay now I know that as the host of a late night talk show it is my duty to weigh in on the politics of the day so I'm just going to get this out of the way real quick here is my official statement on the situation regarding Joe Biden Joe Biden is old older than most people but not everyone is he too old to be president who's to say certainly not me the people who want Biden to step aside may be right and the people who want him to stay in the race may also be right nobody is wrong and please don't be mad at me I have a very specific last name and a lot of relatives in this country but if you do want to be mad at me please post about it on Twitter using my personal handle Jimmy Kimmel the pressure is ramping up on President Biden you probably saw that George Clooney published an OP ad in the New York Times yesterday that said he loves the president but thinks Biden should step aside a lot of people are upset with George Clooney including the former host of the Apprentice who wrote he wrote so now fake movie actor George Clooney who never came close to making a great movie is getting into the ACT blah blah blah Clooney should get out of politics and go back to television movies never really worked for him I'm sorry what movies never worked out for George Clooney the world famous Mega Movie Star his movies have made more than three .5 billion at the box office you know yeah amazing you know who movies never worked out for Donald Trump yeah a man who somehow blew a 1second cameo in Home Alone too Trump trump also the bed so badly in the 1994 little rascals movie in the role of Waldo's dad that this is the first time you're hearing of it that's right he killed the Little Rascals franchise like it knew the details of its relationship with Jeffrey Epstein of course the big difference between George Clooney and Donald Trump is that George Clooney actually made money from a casino yeah it's crazy it's crazy the election of 2024 could be decided by the sexiest man alive of 1997 speaking of sexy and Alive does the mature lady down south who Trump and Biden could both learn a thing or two from an Alabama woman celebrating a major Milestone of a birthday Helen Denmark from birth Bingham turned 108 years old this week Helen says she feels no different than when she was 107 well I feel I'll be here when I'm 110 Helen says she stays Young by drinking wine eating dessert and flirting with men with mustaches Dio we just booked you a oneway ticket to Birmingham my friend let's go your your car loading for your adventure right now sorry we couldn't get you a blue one it's okay it's okay I like this one too yeah what flavor is that it's strawberry I think okay I think I love the I think yeah but blue still tastes just like blue to you yes perfect we have a great show for you tonight maybe even a good one two of my funniest friends Nikki Glazer and Paul Shear are here very lucky oh this is something that all comedians should be concerned about according to a study from the University of Southern California 70% of people rated jokes written by Chad GPT as funnier than those written by Regular People yeah I mean I kind of believe it I can think of 50 people off the top of my head who aren't as funny as a robot and some of them have Netflix specials one of them is even a guest here tonight I'm joking I'm joking I'm joking I'm joking no no no I'm joking everyone's I love everyone in the whole world look AI might be capable of writing jokes but only a comedian can cry in their used Kia Portage full of unsold merch after a disastrous set at flap ERS in Burbank they will never take that job away from us but seriously how can a robot that can't even solve a capture expect to do standup what would their jokes be about you ever notice how it's hard to identify what is a bicycle and what is not take my Wi-Fi please while we're on the subject of intelligence this is why I wanted to host a late night show the Segways are always great a few months ago I had the great honor of giving the commencement speech to Cornell's graduating class of 2024 I did I don't know why they asked me I did not go to Cornell past speakers have included presidents Biden and Clinton Maya Angelou and me the guy from hot time machine too and while I gave an amazing groundbreaking some are saying life-altering speech I had to hold back I did I was speaking to these fresh-faced graduates I sugarcoated things you know because I couldn't think they could handle the harsh truths of the world but I can tell you're all a bunch of salty dogs so I thought you might like to hear my unedited graduation speech what do you guys think all right let's do it ladies and Gentlemen please welcome your commencement speaker for the class of 2024 kumale [Music] Nani hello classs of 2024 and congratulations not for graduating but for being young you've got about 3 years left where you can eat jalapeno poppers for every meal without dying enjoy them while you can also you know how your whole life teachers have been telling you that children are the future they should have been more specific you were not the children they were referring to those kids are all in India and China so don't worry about it I'll never forget the day I got my first bicycle I stole it from a kid up the street named Otis because I was bigger than him I still have it you Otis Otis is actually here in the audience tonight hey Otis you buddy have fun walking everywhere you know those silica packets and shoe boxes that say toxic do not eat that's a lie they're delicious I just ate a handful before I came out here and I feel amazing but enough bad news here is the good news between global warming looming nuclear war and microplastics none of you have to save for retirement that doesn't mean I don't have advice for your meaningless lives I do tip number One never give you real first name to a drug dealer to this day my Coke guy still knows me as Warren the other day he was like hey Warren did I see you in a Marvel movie great guy really great Coke tip number two tip number two when life hands you lemons make lemonade but don't put caffeine in that lemonade Panera did it and it killed a bunch of people tip number three make mistakes I've made my share but In fairness I was just trying to tour the capital on January 6th classic wrong place wrong time guys sorry excuse me a moment I'm a little [Music] hungry they said they were going to replace it with something edible but that does not taste sugary okay where was I um see why they use that stuff it is very drying tip tip number four lean into your strengths if you're really short become a real estate agent because all those houses will look way bigger see they don't teach you things like that in school because of woke and finally live to the fullest when you're on your death bed you're never going to say I spent too much time with family you're going to say get that pillow off my face dad so good luck out there and remember if at first you don't succeed you can always sell pictures of your feet to perverts I'm going to be slinging these puppies you want one 10 bucks a pop in the parking lot right after this eight bucks if you're nasty thank you to infinity and beyond [Applause]

Channel: Jimmy Kimmel Live

Views: 90,693

Keywords: jimmy, jimmy kimmel, jimmy kimmel live, late night, talk show, funny, comedic, comedy, clip, comedian, mean tweets

Id: Jg9bcEHUew4

Length: 14min 26sec (866 seconds)

Published: Fri Jul 12 2024