[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> Stephen: GIVE IT UP FOR LOUIS CATO AND "THE LATE SHOW"
BANDS, EVERYBODY. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
TONIGHT, COMING UP IN JUST A FEW MINUTES, SITTING RIGHT OVER
THERE, SERENA WILLIAMS WILL BE HERE.
GIANT. AND THEN, AND THEN IF YOU GUYS
REMEMBER THE BRAT PACK, YOU REMEMBER THE BRAT PACK FROM THE
'A DESCENT '90s. THERE IS A DOCUMENTARY ABOUT IT.
ANDREW McCARTHY IS GOING TO BE HERE.
HE'S THE DOCUMENTARIAN. FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH THE SHOW,
YOU KNOW I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME WANDERING THE NEWS FOREST,
HARVESTING THE FINEST, MOST TOPICAL SOUTH ASIAN
ULMUS MICROCARPA STORY TREES TO MAKE A STURDY BUT SLEEK BODY
WITH SERPENTINE FORMS AND VIBRANT HAND-PAINTED FLORAL
ACANTHUS MOTIFS WITH A SCALLOPED BACK PANEL TO CREATE
THE DAZZLING YET ELEGANT ANTIQUE TIBETAN ELM PEGAM
BOOK CHEST THAT IS MY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, FOLKS, I COME TO ON A BULGARIAN GARBAGE
SCOW, THEN RIP THE LID OFF A BUSTED IGLOO COOLER
AND STRAP SOME CORRUGATED TIN TO IT WITH DISCARDED RAZOR WIRE
TO CLIMB INSIDE THE CASTAWAY'S GRUNGE BIN OF NEWS THAT IS
MY SEGMENT... >> "MEANWHILE!"
[CHEERING] >> Stephen: THERE'S A FLY IN
HERE. RIGHT THERE, THAT'S MY BABY.
MEANWHILE, DRUGS DISGUISED AS TACO BELL BURRITOS WERE FOUND
DURING A TENNESSEE TRAFFIC STOP."
APPARENTLY, "METH, LSD, THC, AND FENTANYL-LACED GUMMIES,
PILLS, AND MARIJUANA WERE CONCEALED IN TACO BELL WRAPPERS
AND TORTILLAS." MAKING THOSE THE SECOND MOST
DANGEROUS INGREDIENTS YOU COULD FIND IN YOUR TACO BELL BURRITO.
MEANWHILE, IN CAR NEWS, THE WORLD'S FASTEST CAR IS ONE
STEP CLOSER TO REALITY. ALSO ONE STEP CLOSER TO REALITY:
THE REALIZATION THAT EVEN IN THE WORLD'S FASTEST CAR, YOU CAN
NEVER OUTRUN WHO YOU REALLY ARE. MEANWHILE, IN A MAJOR
BREAKTHROUGH IN MAKING ROBOTS SEEM LESS FRIGHTENING,
"A ROBOT GOT A FACE OF LIVING SKIN THAT ALLOWS IT TO SMILE."
WELL, THAT'S NICE! IF MACHINES ARE GOING TO BE
SUCH A BIG PART OF OUR LIVES IN THE FUTURE, IT'S IMPORTANT
THAT THEY FEEL AS WARM, AND REASSURING, AND AS HUMAN AS
POSSIBLE. LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT OUR
NEW BUDDY -- OOHHHH MY GOD!
IT LOOKS LIKE A SMILEY FACE EMOJI MADE BY BUFFALO BILL.
IT LOOKS LIKE A SPHINCTER MAKING A HOSTAGE VIDEO.
AND IT'S KIND OF UPSETTINGLY WET!
IT'S LIKE AN UNUSED BUT UNWRAPPED CONDOM
LEFT ON YOUR DASHBOARD ON A HOT DAY.
"THIS IS STILL GOOD, RIGHT?" MEANWHILE, IN PRESIDENTIAL
TIMEPIECE NEWS, THEODORE ROOSEVELT'S POCKET
WATCH, WHICH WAS STOLEN IN 1987, IS FINALLY BACK AT HIS NEW YORK
HOME. WELL, THANK GOODNESS.
PRESIDENT ROOSEVELT WILL, AT LONG LAST, BE ABLE TO
CHECK HIS WATCH TO SEE... TO SEE THAT IT IS TIME
TO STILL BE DEAD. [LAUGHTER]
SOMETIMES... OH POSNER SOMETIMES I FORGET WHAT THE
PUNCH LINE IS GOING TO BE AND I GO, THAT'S A PRETTY GOOD JOKE.
MEANWHILE, IN GAMING NEWS, "THE SIMS" HAS FINALLY ADDED
POLYAMORY. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, ATARI HAS
RELEASED A NEW "MS. PAC-MAN: HAWK TUAH VERSION."
[LAUGHTER] MEANWHILE, VIDEO FROM THE
U.S. WEIGHTLIFTING NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIPS WENT VIRAL
RECENTLY. THIS IS CICI KYLE DOING
THE CLEAN AND JERK. AFTER THE CLEAN, SHE REALIZES
SHE'S DISLOCATED HER FINGER, SO SHE RESTS THE WEIGHT ON HER
CHEST IN ORDER TO RESET HER OWN FINGER, THEN REGRIPS
THE WEIGHT, PAUSES TO CONSIDER WHETHER OR NOT SHE IS, IN FACT,
DEADPOOL, THEN COMPLETES THE DEADPOOL, THEN SHE COMPLETES THE
JERK! AND AFTER TAKING A MOMENT TO
DRINK THE FEAR OF HER ENEMIES, SHE DUMPS THE WEIGHT
AND SAUNTERS OFF STAGE TO STRANGLE A GRIZZLY BEAR.
IN CONTRAST, ON SUNDAY, I PULLED A MUSCLE IN MY NECK FROM COMBING
MY HAIR TOO HARD. MEANWHILE, "FRENCH CYCLIST
JULIEN BERNARD WAS FINED AFTER STOPPING TO KISS HIS WIFE DURING
THE TOUR DE FRANCE." OF COURSE.
IT'S THE TOUR DE FRANCE. THERE ARE RULES.
YOU CANNOT KISS YOUR WIFE UNLESS YOU ALSO KISS YOUR MISTRESS.
MEANWHILE, IN FLAVOR ABOMINATION NEWS, CUP NOODLES HAS INTRODUCED
NEW S'MORES INSTANT RAMEN FLAVOR.
PERFECT FOR EVERYONE SAYING "I WISH THIS HOT CHOCOLATE
HAD MORE PASTA IN IT." THE NOODLES, WHICH CONTAIN
BROWN SUGAR, HONEY, MOLASSES, AND COCOA, ARE DESCRIBED BY
THE BRAND AS "GOOEY, SWEET NOODLE EXPERIENCE."
"NOODLE EXPERIENCE" REALLY SOUNDS LIKE LANGUAGE THE COMPANY
LAWYERS COME UP WITH WHEN YOU'RE NOT LEGALLY ALLOWED
TO CALL YOUR PRODUCT FOOD. "AH-AH.
WE NEVER CALLED IT CHEESE. WE SPECIFICALLY SAID IT'S
A DAIRY INCIDENT." THE COMPANY INSISTS THE NOODLE
OCCURRENCE TRANSPORTS CONSUMERS TO A NEW KIND OF CAMPFIRE
MOMENT. SPECIFICALLY THE MOMENT BEFORE
YOU THROW YOURSELF INTO THE CAMPFIRE.
WELL, THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT IF IT REALLY TASTES
LIKE S'MORES. THERE YOU GO.
THERE IT IS. THERE IT IS.
S'MORES. OKAY, HERE WE GO.
DOES IT TASTE LIKE S'MORES. HERE WE GO.
I WANT S'LESS. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK
WITH SERENA WILLIAMS!
