Golden Gelt's Glorious Journey to REMOVE THE ELVES - Total War: Warhammer 2

there's a lot of stuff going on at once i'm not really sure what's happening anymore am i winning so today we're taking a look at total war war war game yeah close enough and you know before i wasn't really a big total war fan and all i knew about warhammer was that it had something to do with these giant muscle men but after picking up this game and all of its dlc a few months ago my browser history now contains a lot of very financially worrying searches for minifigures on ebay however none of my financial failings matter today because i i have another problem or no no i don't have a problem this game and warhammer in general okay warhammer has something that i have a problem with and this is an incoming hot take but i i hate i hate elves elves are the s i hate them so much it's got goddamn disgusting grubby pointy ear douchebags you know they're the most boring generic fantasy race in existence tolkien did it and now everybody thinks they have to have it and it's the same thing every time we sit in trees we like our trees please stop hurting the forest i don't care okay i hope when climate change comes to full swing you die out along with the rest of the animals grubby emotionless creatures and sure sure you could argue with me that hey vail aren't dwarves like the same thing every time as well and i would say yeah yeah they usually are but at least they have personality at least they've got character these drunk short people are so much fun to listen to where instead i have to listen to where the trees i don't care about your trees but what about the high elves what about the the dark elves the edgy elves you know what you know what they are all the same they are they're just all the same thing i do i don't care i don't care if the dark elves are wearing dark clothing and just saying what all of the elves are actually thinking at all times you know the high elves just sugarcoat it that's all they do i don't i'm gonna all of them just gone you know so snap my i'm gonna stab my fingers i'm gonna take all of them this time no not half all of them are going away with me this time i'm just so i'm so tired of the elves i want i want all the elves gone we're going that's what we're doing today okay we're just going to kill all of the elves we're going to remove them from warhammer and i will never have to listen to them talk about the trees ever again okay okay you know what we're gonna calm down we're gonna calm down i'm gonna light i'm gonna i'm gonna light a candle i'm just gonna calm down oh [ __ ] don't burn my finger you know what uh we're just gonna light a candle where you know this is just therapy this is group therapy okay we're dealing with our elf problems today uh today's candle is a sun drenched linen which will be blood-drenched linen by the end of this oh [ __ ] that flame's going flame's going a bit higher than i thought it would be are we good yeah okay it's fine we're fine you know if i had to to choose between like one of these dumb looking morons or the fat lizard i'd be clapping the fat lizard's cheeks so who's our champion who's our our hero here who's gonna fix my problems now as i think we all really know deep down there's only one living statue who can do this job we're gonna place all of our hopes on our golden child and it's gonna be up to him to burn down the elven woods now we are going to play as gelt we're gonna we're gonna play his campaign but when i say play his campaign what i really mean is i'm going to completely ignore everything about him we are just going to take gelt we're going to build up his army to max size and we're just gonna go into the elven wood and chop it down but i trust gelt you know i mean who wouldn't the man's a hero he's a hero of both the empire and of of my heart is this guy talking to me oh shut up get out of my ear all right first things first i guess we're gonna shut the orcs up real quickly uh just because i i'm gonna need the money i may be made of gold literally but i need to be able to afford an army large enough to to march on the uh smelly territory or oh [ __ ] you can see you see a [ __ ] deer in the fog spread in the candle just breathe in the candle sun drenched linen oh let us begin battle is upon us no it isn't victory is yours this is also going to be a real uh test of my lack of intelligence because uh despite how much time i put into this game i've i've actually never played as one of the human factions before and that's just cause like elves i think the humans are fairly boring don't get me wrong like the humans in this game are perfectly fine i just always think why why would i sit up here and play what i already am when i can go off and be a lizard or you know something something more interesting what do they call it when it's like a when it's like a snake furry there's a name for it it's like scaly or something that's a that's a dangerous line of thinking okay uh future me cut that from the video we're not having that in oh good at least the tech tree is tiny we're just gonna focus on the uh the income ones are the arcs going to attack me are they gonna get in the way of my uh my goal here they are can i can i auto resolve this i really don't wanna i don't really care uh yeah that should be fine yeah yeah it was fine let's just get on with it we're gonna get rid of the orcs and we can go deal with the real threat we will gelt don't you worry we will oh the karsteins are over there well i'll trust the rest of the humans to deal with the vampires i'm going i don't care you know what vampire vampires are fine i mean they can be boring but these ones are pretty cool i like these vampires do you know what i don't like can you guess it rhymes with the word belf that belf isn't a word no i am innocent oh i thought he said i'm innocent that's what i thought he said what did you do gelt you haven't done anything yet i i mean by the end of this you might go on trial with the uh you know the elf tribunal bertie hall uh you know what you look like a young veril young man i'm gonna make you march uh to the elven lands we're gonna use you as a scout i need to know what those sneaky damn pointy-eared bastards are up to and i i trust you although i must say you're looking very very pale uh right there i'm sure that's fine you know you you can see a doctor when you come back i'm sure all highly ranked wizards in the empire get great benefits there they are there's their stupid ass forest dump f dumb [ __ ] runestones my trees are so special they protected by by the light i don't know i don't care and i don't know and it's not gonna matter when it's on fire is he going to attack fort sol again why if i lose this auto resolve i lost that auto resolve uh uh uh uh no no i never ought to resolve that i i never ought to resolve you know i always i always play my battles i'd never try and save time with a war i don't care about all right this time this time i'm not falling for it we'll play this battle real quick and we'll get we'll get this over with okay we'll just we'll end this it's like mostly melee orcs anyway how did i lose this battle in auto resolve i i have crossbows in canon i don't know i don't care you're not gonna be alive after this anyway yeah this this really isn't very difficult i'm being honest with you yeah look i mean come on game i have the intelligence of a smoked salmon and if i can win this battle the auto resolve should be able to figure that out all right and with that orc battle one i'm just gonna quickly uh i'm gonna light another candle this candle is a pine just like the trees that we're going to be burning down very shortly so right now they're still split right because i forgot that the elves start in multiple factions for some reason i i don't know why i guess they just couldn't agree on how their trees plants should grow i don't [ __ ] know what it what elves even care like have to care about point is three factions is gonna be a lot easier to deal with because we can deal with them one at a time why are you attacking the city oh my god we're gonna have to play another battle against the orcs fine fine we'll play another battle are you kidding me the hell where did this army come from come on all i wanna do is kill elves but the orcs are just like which is just how works sound or speak like that you know what elves like green orcs are green they're just as bad as each other honestly there there we go the orcs are gone they're done we don't need to deal with them anymore with the region secured i am currently at war with absolutely nobody which means now i can go and deal with the elves why am i losing so much money i'm made of gold it is slightly disconcerting to uh sit and watch the vampires uh destroy the rest of the empire i'm sure they don't need my help they'll be fine they'll be fine i'm not gonna help them i'm not gonna help them i don't care i don't care i think vampires are cool which means they are not on my uh my to kill list oh my god stop i don't care about your politics i just don't care i just don't care i don't i don't want to hear it i just don't want to hear it we're nearly ready i just want some artillery and then we're going to start marching down there all right there we go i have obtained slightly more mortars than i had before public order will continue to climb despite no military presence i think i think i've done my calculations right yeah no all right if push comes to shove i'll just turn taxes off for a little bit i don't think it'll matter that much in the meantime it's it's time it's finally time the armies of men are gonna do what i can only dream of we're gonna burn this forest to the ground now my current thinking right is that if we get in fast enough if we can just take the king's glade can we then just burn the yoke of ages i don't know how this works we're going to be finding out together how this works all right the hour of gelt is at hand all right you filthy pointy eared savages should have gone to the undying lands while you had the chance you're out of here capiche you're done yeah oh we're not gonna win this are we but they're just elves look at look at him he's riding a deer deers can't support that much weight is that even an elf on his back i don't know i don't care they're associated they are they're elves all right the game doesn't think we can win this i think we can because i know better than this game although i get the feeling that it's gonna be like uh you know when you're on google maps and google maps tells you to go a certain way and you're like are you kidding me i live here i know which way to go but then you turn that way and it ends up either being way longer or there's like i don't know roadwork that you didn't know was there i have a sinking feeling that uh that's what this is gonna be like all right well if i know one thing about this game is that the ai is very stupid so despite this being a a siege battle i mean you call it a siege battle there's no walls because these morons do not understand modern construction they live in their trees they only care about the tree i don't care about your trees well actually i say that in all honesty no i i care about your trees very much just not in the same way anyway point is we're gonna hold our ground cause i i know i know these guys are just gonna come to me barnum look at these morons running around trees are made of wood they catch fire very easily oh [ __ ] they can fly oh i forgot the number one rule i forgot the number one rule they have bows get in there gelt searing doom make him see her this is uh this is not going how i wanted it to go they're not dying they're they're not dying very fast oh [ __ ] they're on they're on my artillery okay okay okay this isn't ideal so using gelt's magical powers we're gonna go back in time by a single turn and this time i think how do i beat this uh just remember that they have archers and then don't mess up my line when the reinforcements come in that should be it do you guys think if i if i declare war on them now he would leave the king's glade and come and attack me like it's a thought right i don't know if i could beat them in a one-on-one so uh let's try it out all right let's see what the ai does will you leave the king's glade will you come towards me oh he left the king's glade he is okay so are you oh you pointy eared [ __ ] i swear i can't believe this seriously you're just gonna let me take the king's glade you do know that you you get a lot of money from this place all right if you uh if you're uh if you're okay with it um i'm just gonna take the king's glade do i wanna auto resolve this no no i don't wanna auto resolve this i wanna kill them all that's what i'm here to do is get rid of the elves i mean look at him just look at him you know even though they're vastly outnumbered the ais probably still just going to charge me yeah it would look like i'm correct dude i'm enough and uh i'm vastly outnumbered but you know what let's just attack their line i'm sure this is going to go fine right this will be fine get in range of those spear come on okay everybody you know what charge just charge get in there don't let the archer shoot at you yes yes what's that you silver-haired goblins too many of us watch them bleed there's a lot of our men just not doing anything get in there boys oh [ __ ] what is that oh it's a really large angry tree because that's the best they can do it's just an angry tree all right archers kill the tree actually kill those guys first then kill the tree although i'm not gonna question how like normal arrows can can even damage bark although that is that's a lot of arrows that's right you run oh what's that mr tree you can't run very fast because you're made of wood i wish i had some fire i mean i do have some fire oh yeah i do have fire mortars you're probably gonna hit our own men but i don't give a [ __ ] burn that tree to the ground oh he died sooner than i wanted him to uh so why isn't this over yet oh they've still got some trees fighting us oh we can burn these trees no don't break yet i haven't burnt any of you nah ah okay it's fine i'm gonna get to see some before this battle's ended that's bad ah that's what i like to see uh oh okay hold hold your fire holder fire no stop sure we suffered casualties but uh they were worth it hmm what would my uh what my choices be here what the hell is the music doing what is that a bug or is it supposed to be doing that right now i mean maybe it's doing that because it knows full well which option i'm gonna pick here that's right raise the king's glade and then we're gonna colonize it all right you buddy need to just slightly exit the woods there you go that's it part of the woods have been burnt and is now under our control as i'm sure you can guess next we're gonna take the oak of ages and if i'm allowed to burn it to the ground don't know if i am because it's a it's a special building place so i might not be able to oh [ __ ] what's he doing uh oh uh it thinks i can win this or should i just with retreat yeah [ __ ] i don't need to fight him we need to defeat orion if we can kill his army and take him off the field the elves can't do i mean they can't do anything anyway but they won't be able to do anything after he's dead all right orion what are you gonna do if i was you i would attack the king's glade because there is basically nothing protecting it right now is he gonna attack you again i could defend this but i'm just gonna withdraw again i don't need to fight him i'll just if i can just draw orion away wait a minute if i can draw ryan away i could attack and oh yeah yeah no no this isn't quite what i had in mind all right [ __ ] it we're gonna we're gonna fight this battle what i was thinking there is if we drew him away we could burn down the oak of ages when he wasn't looking all right we are gonna have to play this like really defensively though we're slightly outnumbered here oh [ __ ] oh i forgot they got stealth boys let's just scare the elves away oh that's the key that's the key we just gotta run around and keep forcing their archers into skirmish mode so that they can't fire but oh they can fire while moving yeah i forgot about that's that slight fact there yeah this this one ain't gonna win well chief all right back we go back in time everybody hopping guild's golden time machine we're going back you know what let's take this okay we'll take this auto resolve and we'll see if my main force will have healed enough to uh to repel him when he comes back well we got a lot of money now so i guess we'll just build another army all right we're gonna we're gonna sit and we're just gonna hold on to king's glade until reinforcements arrive and then we're gonna burn down the oak of ages that's the plan as long as that point oh yeah are we okay he's going back to the oak of ages that's exactly what i wanted him to do he just goes and sits in his tree like a good little bastard elf it gives me more than enough time to build up an army and come and kill him he is he is he's just going to go inside the truck oh so predictable so boring this is exactly what i'm talking about [ __ ] at war i've just burned down the king's glade and what does he do he goes cries in his big tree the game wants me to assassinate one of the vampire counts i i don't care about vampires sorry to break it to you but i just i don't care about the vampires this is gonna be his undoing he's just gonna sit in the goddamn tree he's not gonna move he's just he's not gonna do anything interesting all right one more turn and the uh brand spanking new army can march with any luck this should be enough men to take the oak and we will raise it that's all i want to do i just want to to burn the tree and kill the wood elves seems perfectly reasonable to me oh the army is done building and we have exactly 41 income we're cutting it close but you know what close is good enough the time is nigh orion you will go back to the cracks of the bark from whence you came i have no idea what voice this is but this is the one i'm making today all right one more turn it's only turn 43. i have almost accomplished my goal and i'm not really that far in while i say that there are still you know the high elves and the dark elves but i'm not gonna sit here and you know play a 500 turn game or however long it would take someone with a fish brain like me to actually clean this island out all right let's do it i think we can do it and apparently we are roughly even all right there it is the the big tree you know this is a lot like avatar now that i think about it not blue arrow avatar obviously but uh blue people avatar smurf avatar if you will except this time around the humans are the good guys you know they're they're coming to chop this tree down and forcibly remove all the elves from their homes because they deserve it they're elves you know this is the best we can do for them oh [ __ ] that's pretty big all right get in there boys distract him hit him where it hurts hit him right in the middle of the mass yeah that's what i like to see we've got a very heavy left flank that needs to get over there like quick especially since our right flank has completely collapsed it's not ideal but it's not unwinnable hit him in the middle boys oh what the hell ah [ __ ] the mortars could have been really useful but uh yeah yeah i lost them keep hammering them boys i've lost a thousand of you but don't worry we've killed just over 600 of them uh oh i'm losing a lot of men come on boys for sigmar or something come on oh those aren't elves those things are look a lot scarier than elves okay i can win this battle guys i know i know i have the brain of a fish a dead fish that someone found like on a beach that's been kind of like torn into because it's been like lapping up on the rocks or whatever over the course of the day that's not the point i know i can win this battle i just need to this time protect my artillery and just let them come to me we're gonna do this again and i'm just gonna let the elves die this time i'm not not gonna fight them i'm just gonna let him die i mean look look at him look at look at gelt he's he's he's magnificent he's what a chad look at this [ __ ] over here oil painting dummy eared boy literally wearing a crown of poop on his head with like poison ivy necklace no no we're gonna we're gonna win this time see this time this time they have to come up hill look at me look at me i'm putting things into groups guys i'm playing this game properly right hit the archers just keep hitting the goddamn archers and whatever you do don't let him get around don't let him get around kill the elves kill the elves kill the elves yes yeah that's what i like to see it's beautiful this is what i live for this is what i'm here for we're winning we're winning yeah oh yeah this is it this is it they're retreating look at those health bars they're routed it's a bit it's a bit close range on these mortars right now but you know what it's working i'm not gonna question it uh looks like they're uh oh yeah they did actually get to some of my mortars there in the back what are we gonna do about uh some of this stuff i'm not sure what to do about like he's still got orion here orion's at full health now back in there boys stop retreating turn around did we lose gelt [ __ ] we lost gel didn't we oh it's going so well why won't they just die okay okay okay what i think i need is more men not a lot more men but more men yeah more men why don't we put some [ __ ] it we'll just put some spearmen in maybe three more units of spearmen will turn the tide i just want to kill them i just want to kill the elves so badly but the game doesn't want me to they won't just die all right here we go again let's get in there slightly more spearman i think that's what we needed because by having slightly more spearmen we can kill the trees more the trees are really big and so apparently you need longer sticks to stab them with to do more damage i'm not gonna question it hit him with everything we got we're gonna charge some spearmint just straight in try and disrupt them a little bit throw them off their off their their rocker do you get it because elves are old i'm really funny aren't i just the goddamn archers it's just the goddamn archers there's a lot of stuff going on at once i'm not really sure what's happening anymore am i winning i i think i might not be it's hard to tell oh my god the bar is on the right hand side of the swords oh they're dying fast let's hit these guys with a mortar they need a mortar over here we're winning we're winning we're winning third time's a charm baby they're scattering they are scattering oh i'll look at him chunk who the hell is that oh that's a real elf oh kill it kill it kill kill it like you have this thing which is which i i think it counts as an elf but it doesn't really look like one that's an elf though that right there that is an elf that's it they're retreating look at the bar go look at the bar go there's only one left it's him kill him everyone everyone kill this thing oh that okay maybe we don't maybe we don't use the mortars the mortars are killing a lot of our own men that's it stop stop oh my god the morning stop mortar stop oh what's that mr ryan you getting tired you're tired and yet you're running uphill oh no you're dead they're dead they're dead they're all dead i killed them all hey sure sure it took three tries sure i save scummed but that doesn't matter because they're dead this is the correct timeline this is the only timeline that counts the yoke of ages it's is seriously the yoke of ages 200 gold okay you love to see it you love to see it it's beautiful listen to that you hear that that's the sound of a tree dying you know what yeah there's a lot more elves in the world there's still these three factions up here in the forest there's still the these bastards over here on their massive island but doing just that you know that was uh that was therapeutic yeah i'm fee i'm feeling better i'm feeling better now so with that i think i'll cancel my uh therapy sessions i don't need them anymore i've just had one and i'll thank you guys for watching and i'll uh i'll see you around [Music] foreign

Channel: Valefisk

Views: 134,634

Rating: 4.9272175 out of 5

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Id: 0U5DeWd2GRQ

Length: 25min 43sec (1543 seconds)

Published: Mon Aug 31 2020