Get to Know Nikki Glaser in Eight Jokes

I gotta get my together it's uh that's also what I say when I have diarrhea but that's a really disgusting joke that shows you where I am [Music] I am like obsessed with talking about sex I apologize if it's not your thing but like come on it's like so fun and uh like we're all having sex but we don't really like talk about it like we'll be like oh yeah I've had sex before like we'll admit that but we won't be like oh yeah I've been like but that's like what you look like no one admits that they're like no I look cooler no you don't it's just a bunch of like skin like shaking it's so gross and you all look like it we all do but like the only thing that like differentiates that is like we put on clothes and we're like nope I've never done that what's going like as soon as you're not naked you can be like no I don't do that what are you talking about I'm a princess like that's what's separating us it's just clothes like you can give like a sloppy and put on like some jeans in a tank top and be like I've never sucked it in my life what are you talking about nope not me and it's like yes you have if you want a tank top male or female sucks like that's just a fact of tank tops I think yeah pregnant women are my favorite because you're like I know you doing it like you know it and uh and then you oh you can find out like exactly when she had sex like all you have to do is ask like when are you due or pretend you care or whatever and then you just do some light math and you count back nine months and you're like July you were just like oh like in July you were getting it you love it yeah you should be ashamed of yourself like I love that that's the thing about being pregnant like you if you tell your parents you're pregnant like you're pretty much like Dad Chris came inside me come here I kept it in like this I love getting fingered it's my favorite um sexual act I think it's because I don't really masturbate so I like to Outsource it and it's the greatest are you guys into it yeah no one okay just me I love it lately fingering styles are bumming me out and I think that's why a lot of you are just like no not so much anymore because there's finger banging going on and finger blasting it's just like this aggressive thing we're getting a lot it's just like it's like is this fracking is that what fracking is I've heard a lot about it and I'm ready to write my congresswoman I am so rampant a lot of you I can censor like what's wrong it's something or it hurts and that sound that we make that that's not like a pleasure that's a pain sound so distinction it's just this and it's you don't need even need to be in there you can just just and if you are just the gentle the hook the I Know What You Did Last Summer the um here kitty kitty like you're trying to coax a cat up from under a bed or something but yeah and I would just stick to the and I know that word is like stick it's gross but um nature uh but yeah I would just stick to that and I know it's like where is it but we'll like find it for you and just be like there it's like where's Waldo mine Stripes so that does help and um and then you just hone in on it like you're playing a game of Fruit Ninja have you played that game if you haven't I just want to tell you it's a fingering training tool developed by the Japanese and you like swipe fruit and uh there's a part where a pomegranate comes up and that's what I'm talking about do you want to just like scrub it look like this you're trying to get like a 37 is where you're trying to aim for foreign and this will change the way you see kids playing that game and I apologize for that on the way here tonight there was a 13 year old and I was like oh God like he had good Styles sex is so weird and it's like it's the easiest of everything for a while I was like I'll keep my number down if I don't have sex I'll just do everything except sex all but sex all butt sex and that's all I did for about a month don't recommend it um no it's the other stuff that stresses me out like um like blow jobs uh cause me a lot of anxiety because I hear complaints not like about me but in general like I hear about like too much teeth like I read on Yelp that you guys um like the teeth thing like you don't like that we have teeth and we're working on it science is on it I quit flossing recently my dentist recommended it after I blew him and so here's the thing I have always had big teeth it's probably the reason I'm a comedian before I got braces I had buck teeth and in Middle School people used to be like Glazer you're a beaver I'd be like a vagina and they were like what no the gross animal why are you excited about being a vagina it's like I'm just it's not psych someone's talking to me and then I'd go cry so I have a complex about my teeth and they're still big so I told my friends this before I gave a I'm like I'm gonna scrape some D I know it and laughs they yeah it's the bad kind of essing D um I I did I asked my friends for advice and they gave me the worst they were like just no you won't be bad just got that I want to do it and cover those ditch scrapers up I thought it was a brilliant idea so I started doing that all not all over town but I uh I I went from town to town it was like a tour that I did and um thank you wasn't getting any callbacks for the toothless Turtle popular look and I thought we were like on our own down there and until one time ago I was like hey Nick uh you kind of look like my nana right now and it's freaking me out I haven't called her in a while and I didn't hear him I was like what shot Johnny his name was sunny it was just a coincidence um so then he complained and so then I gave him a hand job and then he complained about that he's like you're still using too much teeth I was like what are you talking about this is a hand job and he said I know stop smiling at me and I thought you're right that is too much teeth I got excited I I thought I was doing it right I don't love porn I watch it sometimes it's me for tips he's looking for like like tricks I can try you know especially when it comes to blow jobs I'm always like I feel like I'm not very good at them so I'm always like I'll check out a video in like the front page like something very mild I'll be like okay this seems cool and I'll just take some notes like one of these gals gagging about and just like hmm you learn some things you're like oh okay use both hands I can do that that seems cool all right look terrified all right I'll give it a whirl wouldn't be the first time you know be fun to revisit okay choke to death perfect okay that's how I'm gonna go then like violent stuff on the front page you don't even have to dig for the stuff every porno is just like oh it's like a girl just like dying when did this happen I feel like I took a break from porn and then it's all just slobber now it's like these girls have so much saliva and I'm like I don't have that much like it's like it's pure I'm like these look like Saint Bernards like I don't have this like frothy foamy strands I'm like do I need an extra gland or something like what ah I gotta be wet up here now like it's just too much I don't know why I'm eager to have sex because I don't think I'm good at it I recently had to have phone sex uh to talk down my Verizon bill and um do what you gotta do and uh I'm not good at it I'm uh because you have to like be creative in the mo it comes out of nowhere like talk dirty and I'm like I have a vagina just like stating facts he's like what are you doing I'm like I'm just laying here bye and that's all I did that's all I did that's all I do I just lay it back and get it girls you can kind of just lay there can't you have you being on bottom it's it's the tops down there it's awesome it's enough that you're there most of the time it's great I treat it like a massage I recommend it and yes they'll sometimes they'll ask you to participate and you should you know if you bought you dinner at Chili's or something uh you should wiggle you know that two for twenty that'll get you but um that's that's embarrassing I I remember once this guy was giving me a really good raw drink and at some point yeah I'm bringing that back sounds classy right good rod ring it sounds like he courted me or something he did it sounds like I knew his name and it uh wasn't Roger uh it was Phil but saying he gave me a good filling doesn't have quite the connotation that I like so raging sounds nice because that's the thing girls we can't be like oh God we have to like come up with like euphemisms my least favorite of which is uh fooled around let's stop saying that my friend their day was like Josh and I we just fooled around I'm like Ugh what did he like get your nose did you guys like it in the table did he pull a quarter out of your vagina at some point oh he did okay well then that's fooling around have it oh God yeah I was getting a good raw drink from this fellow and in the middle of it he I remember he was like hey will you get on top and I was like like he woke me up I'm like what's going on that's the word being on top have you been up there uh I give it up to you guys for being up there most the time I had no I didn't sign up for a spinning class when I agreed to why is it so exhausting up there my legs go numb I'm wheezing there's a lot of sweat it's not I finally get why you sweat all over us that's always perplexed me it seems like a lot of sweat for two and a half minutes or whatever is going on up there but I'm on board I'll support you now I'll sponsor you was it the change in elevation or something it's awful up there I keep Clif bars on the nightstand now I don't like it I'm so lazy I just oh I give up up there after a couple seconds up there he's already given up so then we just look at each other like now what that's when you break out the old side sex have you done that or you just it's the laziest just so gross it's it's how you finish it definitely is no effort involved you always pat yourself on the back afterwards in the post sex rap like what was the last thing we did that was wild we should contact Kama Sutra and let them know Oh you mean the two dead cows on the side of the road battle classic I just can't have kids I'm I mean I well I hope I can't fingers crossed you know oh God I hope I'm Barren I um if I'm not I'm going to name my first born Baron I think it's a beautiful name for a little girl no I'm I'm good about I take the pill um when I remember so that's not how you're supposed to take it a lot my friend was like why don't you do it like a diaphragm and I'm like are you from the 80s like what's going on I didn't really do my research on the diaphragm I should have asked my grandma about it but she uses a pull out method so I've always heard about the diaphragm on like old episodes of Seinfeld and Antiques Roadshow and I'd never seen one so I Google imaged it and um the image that came up I don't know if you guys have seen a diaphragm but they look exactly that that toy we used to get as kids that little rubber thing you flip then you like set it on something and you wait and then it like pops I don't even know what those are called I think they're diaphragms guys yeah I don't know how you put them in that seems weird maybe you would just flip it and then set it down and then like hover over it and like wait when I do have a boyfriend but um we broke up for two weeks but we're back together so it's Gonna Last and um yeah well me yet I feel like we're like six months in so I'm still lying about who I am kind of holding it in like a fart uh comes out at night you know like it was just a quick wave um it's not what you think it was um he thinks I'm like you know just this I'm being this version of a girl that he's gonna fall in love with like I'm clean and and nice and I've never done anal like I'm just like this pure and I have uh not like a ton but like he asked me if I've done it of course I said no I'm not gonna be like yeah I'm a huge butt I'm not gonna like you've never done it and I know a lot of people in here are like no I would never do it because I used to be that way and then I did Coke and you are missing out I should do it but if you don't want to do it girls instead of being like no it's gross I think you should go the other way and like seem super into it like too into it that's that's just like yeah we should and I think I would love it because I like love pooping sell it I know it's gross but be like I love it going out so I'll probably love it going in like get in there Cowboy come on Cowboy just freak him out he'll leave you so you'll never have to do it I've only had really two serious boyfriends in my life and the first one definitely uh did not say it on his own he um he was a blackout drunk with a twin bed and um that second part's not really that important I just kind of want to paint a picture he had his twin bed he was 30 with a twin bed and I would be like can you upgrade to a full so I feel like a woman and um that's all it takes you know and and he was like no it's an extra long twin I was like oh a California twin wow am I Rihanna Jesus so he uh he would get blackout drunk all the time we were long distance he would make he would get caught making out with girls in bars back home where I was from my friends would see him they'd call me tell me about it I call him the next day and be like what the and he was like I thought it was you and I was like oh like I was flattered was she skinny like Ugh so he was yours he came to visit me for Valentine's Day and I was like oh my God he's so gonna say I love you this is the trip and I got ready I told all my friends like is it it was a great night like we went to this fancy dinner that I paid for and then we were like in this alley and like I was rubbing his back as he vomited and it was just like everything and like he didn't say I love you I think he may have said I hate you it's like it was the worst time but I was like wait a second when he gets blackout drunk he doesn't remember anything he does or says so I'll just make last night whatever I wanted to be so this is true I woke him up the next morning and I was like hey do you remember what you said to me last night he was like no I'm sorry what and I was like no you told me you love me he was like I did and I was like yeah and he was like okay that's it I started saying it after that that I date her to my boyfriend into loving me that's what I did thank you so much I took back tonight [Music] Tuesday [Music]

Channel: Comedy Central Stand-Up

Views: 202,089

Keywords: Nikki Glaser, stand up featuring, featuring, Nikki Glaser stand up, Nikki Glaser comedian, comedy central stand up featuring, stand up, stand up comedy, comedy central stand up, comedy, comedians, get to know Nikki Glaser in eight jokes, funny, funny video, comedy videos, jokes, funny jokes, funny clips, laugh, humor, best comedy, best stand up, Get to Know Nikki Glaser in Eight Jokes, nikki glaser, nikki glaser special, stand up special, nikki glaser show, nikki glaser stand up

Id: BVZsA0LY_NU

Length: 17min 18sec (1038 seconds)

Published: Sun Aug 07 2022