Get A Dog Dave Chappelle 2021

everybody's mad about something recently i got attacked online by some gay bloggers and it hurt my feelings i have no problem with gay people but i [ __ ] hate bloggers i'm not saying it because this person was gay they was acting like a [ __ ] online it was like mischaracterizing my jokes trying to make a point off of me when it's really it's like yo i'm your ally [ __ ] i'm not trying to stop gay people i got better [ __ ] to do this [ __ ] was saying things to try to get gay people to beat me up seriously he was like dave chappelle's jokes i don't know how he actually talks when he's making his voice up david chappelle's jokes were an affront to the manhood of all gay men what the [ __ ] does that mean i didn't say anything that would allude to gay men not being men i know you meant in fact what could be manlier than [ __ ] another guy in the ass it's the most gangster [ __ ] i've ever heard of in my life i'm told you i'm not cut out for that i'm a [ __ ] you know what i said that's all i said first of all i'll tell you right now what i said uh and i will tell you that this was not a joke it's a true story and i just happened to tell her all right what happened was i went to a gallery party all right i don't know who in here has ever been rich before but these are very nice parties uh you know wine and cheese and baller conversation and there was a few eccentric types one of which was a very wealthy man that happened to be wearing a dress i don't know what you called me this is a [ __ ] or drag queen perhaps whatever it was definitely a man this man was definitely on drugs i don't know what kind of drugs he's on but i knew he had too much he didn't look good just like this he's like ah he looked sick and all his friends were standing around him concerned trying to revive them i don't know whether it looked like some kind of gay cpr those fanning and [ __ ] i saw all this from a distance now i should have minded my own business but i got curious i was like and i went over there all i said i said excuse me gentlemen gentlemen is he okay and then they looked at me like i was evil she is fine i'm sorry to know this is what we were doing um here's my thing i would support anybody's right to be whoever they feel like they are inside i'm your ally in that however my question is to what degree do i have to participate in your self-image is it fair that i have to change my whole pronoun game up for this [ __ ] that didn't make sense seriously if i put on an argyle sweater and i'm like hey everybody i feel like a white guy in the sweater and i want some goddamn respect in a bank loan that's not gonna work give a [ __ ] out i feel why don't i give a [ __ ] how you feel [ __ ] is a pronoun [Applause] but there was no time for philosophical debate this was an emergency situation i said fine sorry guys i was just worried because because she looks terrible she just fell off the bench appears that her dick is popping out of her dress you mind if i call an ambulance champ i'd rather not be at a party where [ __ ] ods there's too many questions to answer [Applause] okay i've been through this before i had a friend from high school now in high school this guy was a thug wheel right he was a [ __ ] dope boy he did it all he's a wild dude people used to be very scared of him and then after high school word on the street was he'd come out the closet i personally didn't believe it i bring him up because last year he calls me out of the blue like yo what's up man i got your number from so-and-so and i heard you gonna be in new york doing a show could i get some tickets i was like [ __ ] yeah get some tickets man how you been he said well we'll catch up at the show man but yo i'm appreciate i see you soon i said all right man take care and i was about to hang up and i couldn't resist i was just like hey [ __ ] i heard she was gay what's going on with that [Applause] and i wish i didn't ask because he sounded like he was dying to talk about that [ __ ] and he had a long story about it and it's not that i didn't care but i was you know i don't like talking on the phone i was watching tv at the same time so i just wasn't really paying attention like i should but i was trying to sound supportive but i didn't really know what to say so i just like mumbling [ __ ] throughout this conversation i was just like oh you know you're gay man you're just gay this went on for a while and then finally i had to say something like definitive to get him off the phone and i was like hey man you know what don't let people get you down all right and uh the next time someone tries to make you feel bad about yourself just remember everybody [ __ ] funny to somebody he didn't like that [ __ ] he's like what the [ __ ] does that mean i said huh he said you saying i [ __ ] funny [ __ ] i said no that's not what i'm saying i'm saying everybody's different he said you ain't say different [ __ ] you say it's you say it funny what's so [ __ ] funny about the way i [ __ ] and i said hey man i [ __ ] feet he said what oh this is not a joke ladies and gentlemen i get women to squeeze their feet together like this and i [ __ ] them right in that little space in their feet but you can't build a community behind that [ __ ] there's no flag for us that [ __ ] made him laugh the next day after the show i saw him backstage he was like yo what's up man i'm like oh [ __ ] what's going on and he had his buddy with him he goes dave what you mean man well man where's my fiance we're in new york getting married cause it's legal here i said oh oh well uh that's yes and he went to go get some drinks and then my buddy looked at me he was like so dave what do you think and i started mumbling again okay [ __ ] you know just gang uh see i'm a little nervous about getting married man it's a big step so yeah it is big step he said well you've been married for a while you got any advice for us no i'm married to a woman sorry about that and then corrected me he said no you married the person that you love so it's essentially the same i said you know man uh the problem with that statement is that it makes the assumption that i love but you guys lighting the [ __ ] up of course i love my wife she laughs at this [ __ ] as a matter of fact she eats and spins this [ __ ] you know what i told him i told i told him i said you know what you should do man first of all you should you shouldn't do it uh i'm talking about being legally married it's not that you're gay as much as just legal marriage is a [ __ ] diabolical leverage game in the united states i'm just being honest devoid of religious significance or the idea of love marriage is nothing but an awful contract that you shouldn't sign just being real because you start out loving each other and then like two years later you're just building a case against one another for a hypothetical court date that may or may not ever happen you throw being gay on top of that that [ __ ] is explosive like i said ray right [ __ ] okay right after ray rice went through all that [ __ ] i was at a party and i met this kid michael sands you know michael sams very nice guy he's the first openly gay nfl player and mike is a very nice guy very brave guy but when i met him i couldn't help but thinking his wife up in the elevator is that domestic violence or is that just two [ __ ] working [ __ ] out in the elevator you know what i mean [Applause] anyway i give all married men the same advice gay or straight get a dog this dog will love you all the time but she's not going to it's real talk i didn't even i didn't even know about dogs and my kids got the dog they brought them home from the shelter and i didn't even want it they're like can we keep them i said nope i said where did you even get this dog we got him from the shelter i was like probably something wrong with him can't keep them and then my kids started crying and screaming like the dog had gambling deaths please dad if you don't let us keep them they're going to kill them all right you can keep them and this dog was a menace i hated his guts then one night i smoked a bunch of weed and i was eating a sandwich and baba i came by was a dog he came over and was staring at me this would make you very uncomfortable if you're just looking at you i had to give him a piece of my sandwich so he'd go away and that's how we became friends now if you see me walking down the street with baba i ain't got no leash or nothing he walks right next to me if i if i stop he'll stop and if i go he'll go and all my friends are like yo dave that [ __ ] is dope how you train bob how to do that [ __ ] i've never trained baba just a messy eater if i drop food and baba's not around all i gotta do is call him baba he's a black dude's dog so they didn't come right away he peeks first to see what's going on i got to tap my foot so we can see the food over here little buddy and he's like thanks david he'll come get it and run off but he knows all my habits like if he smells weed in the house he'll be like this [ __ ] about to eat and i'll just come running [Applause] baba i got me to a very difficult time

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Views: 785,881

Keywords: dave chappelle responds to candace owens, dave chappelle best stand up, dave chappelle joe rogan, dave chappelle john mayer, dave chappelle lil jon, dave chappelle mark twain prize, dave chappelle kevin hart, dave chappelle snl, dave chappelle reaction, dave chappelle interview, dave chappelle sticks and stones, dave chappelle stand up, dave chappelle

Id: P3Q9QGEa9Rc

Length: 11min 16sec (676 seconds)

Published: Fri Jan 08 2021