- If I'd had the money,
I could have been living in a swinging condo instead of with- I'd better not say anything
'til I've had my coffee. (audience laughs) A slut and a moron. (audience laughs) I'm sorry, it must be decaf. (audience laughs) (lighthearted jingle) Oh, come on, ma. That's superstitious nonsense. You know, step on a crack,
break your mother's back. It doesn't work. I know. (audience laughs) I tried. (audience laughs) - I think I can handle this
relationship with Dirk. I'm going out with him Saturday night. - Was there ever any doubt? (audience chuckles) - Momentarily. This is strictly off the record but, Dirk's nearly five
years younger than I am. (audience laughs) - In what, Blanche, dog years? (audience laughs) - Blanche Devereaux? (audience groans) - Just a moment. (audience chuckles) (audience laughs and applauds) - My God. My rear tires have less pressure in them. (audience laughs) - What is it? I heard screams, what's happening? - Nothing. Everything's fine, Blanche. - We never should have watched "Psycho." (audience laughs) For 25 years I have avoided that picture. Even when Stan invited me to the Roxy instead of over to his
mother's house for dinner. And it turned out that
my instincts were right. Norman Bates is scarier
than my mother-in-law. (audience laughs) And a much better dresser. - Oh, I never should
have watched it either. It always upsets me,
especially that shower scene. Why it's the reason I
prefer not to shower alone. (audience laughs) - Sure, Blanche. And Goldilocks and the three bears is why you prefer not to sleep alone. (audience laughs) - Honey, you all right? - I'll be fine. - Is this about Arnie? - No Blanche, she's upset because they keep
changing the taste of Coke. (audience laughs) - Oh girls, I'm so sorry to be late. I ran out of gas on the way home. It was just horrible. Nobody would stop to help me. This could never have
happened in the Old South. (audience chuckles) What has become of chivalry? When men used to open doors
for you, pull out your chair, tip their hat, kiss your hand, help you down outta your carriage. Leave calling cards in
little silver salvers. (audience laughs) - So how far back do
you want to go, Blanche? I mean, do you still
want to be able to vote? (audience laughs) - Move it. (audience laughs) - We're gonna miss our plane. What are we gonna do? - Listen girls, I have an idea. Now I'm gonna create a
diversion by bending over and picking up something seductively. Then the two of you sneak up behind him and give him a karate chop. - Blanche, what do we look
like, Charlie's Angels? (audience laughs) - I have been told I bear
a striking resemblance to Ms. Cheryl Ladd. (audience laughs) Although my bosoms are perkier. (audience laughs) - Not even if you were hanging
upside down on a trapeze. (audience laughs) - Wait, how many boyfriends could a naive farmer's
daughter possibly have had? (audience chuckles) - 56. (audience laughs) - Excuse me? - I had about 56 boyfriends. Of course, that was before I knew Charlie. I probably would've had more, but I wasn't allowed to start
dating till I was a senior. (audience laughs) - 56? 56? - Oh God, stand back, she's gonna blow! - What do you mean you had 56 boyfriends? You told me you were a
virgin until you got married. - Hey, you can have a boyfriend without having to go all the way! - You cannot. (audience laughs) If that were true, Rose, that
would mean you were a slut. - Oh, come on, Blanche. How can you say that? So the woman had 56
boyfriends in one year? She's not a slut. - Thank you, Dorothy. - She is the slut. (audience laughs) She is the Grand Poobah of slutdom. (audience laughs) She is the easiest woman in this room. - Dorothy Zbornak, you take that back. (audience laughs) - The slut is dead, long live the slut. (audience laughs) - 98 pounds. I can't remember the
last time I weighed 98. Probably college. - Where'd you go to college, Blanche? The University of Jupiter? (audience laughs) - Dorothy, do you realize it's only two weeks
till Phyllis Strickler's Memorial Day beach party? That and there's only two weeks till we have to get back
to our bathing suits again. Well, I just slipped
into last year's bikini, and I think I look pretty good, but you give me your honest advice. Can I still pull it off? - Right now I'd be surprised
if you could cut it off. (audience laughs) - Dorothy, come look
at these old pictures. I think I must've been about
10 years old in this one. Big daddy just taught me how
to ride a horse (chuckles). - You were quite a little
porker back then, weren't you? (audience laughs) - I was a little chunky, that's all. - Blanche, the horse's eyes are crossed. (audience laughs) (Dorothy laughs) You were fat! - Every little girl goes
through that ugly stage. - Yeah, ugly, yes, but this
is ugly and fat (laughs)! (audience laughs) Rose, why don't we just show
Mr. Vaughn around the theater? - Well, why don't I just do that myself? Since I've had the most
experience performing here. - Blanche, the parking lot
doesn't count, I'll do it. (audience laughs) - They were probably looking for drugs. (audience laughs) - We have Maalox and estrogen. (audience laughs) - I'll make it up to
you, Dorothy, I promise. Listen, if there's ever a
night where you can't sleep, I'll come to your room and sing "Kumbaya." (audience laughs) - Rose, I don't know
what to say (chuckles). Yes, I do. (audience laughs) Don't ever do that. (audience laughs) - I just had a thought. - Congratulations.
- Way to go. (audience laughs) (Rose screams) (Dorothy screams) (audience laughs) - Oh, Dorothy, what do you mean
sneaking up on me like that? You scared me half to death! - I'm sorry, Rose. Next time I walk into a dark room in the middle of the night, I'll send a mariachi band ahead of me. (audience laughs) - Mrs. Zbornak. - Mrs. Petrillo. (audience laughs) - Oh good, you two are talking. (audience laughs) - We're not talking. I'm still furious with ma for hooking me up with that matchmaker. - That reminds me of a story about St. Olaf's most famous matchmaker. - Oh please, Rose! Spare me the endless inane details of how Heidi Flugendugelgurgenplotz successfully matched a bull with a duck. (audience laughs) And how their daughter was a bull-duck who ran a small tattoo parlor in Carmel. (audience laughs) - Dorothy, Sophia, I told the news director I was interested in the
reporter's position. And guess what he did? - A Danny Thomas spit-take? (audience laughs) - We have everything
we need for the cruise. - Girls listen, maybe we don't have everything we need. - What, what are we missing? - Well, we are going away
for a romantic weekend at The Bahamas with
Jeff and Rich and Randy. In this day and age, it might be a good idea to
take along some protection. - What kind of protection? (audience chuckles) - Two armed Pinkerton guards. (audience laughs) No, blanche is talking about... - A Nestle's Crunch? (audience laughs) - One over. - Enema bag? (audience laughs) - To the right. - DentuGrip? - Condoms, Rose!
(audience laughs) Condoms, condoms, condoms! (audience laughs) - Whatever happened to her? - She colonized life on Venus. (audience laughs) Rose, she was 94 when I was six. She died, you idiot. (audience laughs) - How did she die? (audience laughs) - You know, we're not sure. One night, she left in her wheelchair and she never came back. The next day, the neighborhood kids had a go-kart with two
really big back wheels. (audience laughs) Rose, that is a happy woman in there. Now I want you to promise that
you will not say anything. Do you promise? Do you promise? (audience laughs) Are you sure? - Let's not be so sad. (audience laughs) Oh! Oh, I just- (audience laughs) I just never, never
had two better friends. I just can't stand the
thought of leaving you. (Blanche smacks lips) (Dorothy smacks lips) (audience laughs) - Oh, Blanche, you look
gorgeous, shut up, Rose. (audience laughs) Are you ready? - [Blanche] Yes, I guess! - Stop! (Rose thuds) (door slams) (audience laughs) Boy, life sure has a way of
throwing you curve balls. When I was younger, I never would have imagined
that I'd be worrying about money at this stage of my life. - I used to think Stan
would take care of me. I mean, we didn't have much saved, but he was a darn good novelty salesman. Sounds naive now to think that I placed my hopes for
the future on a bald pinhead, with the morals of a
maggot who made his living selling plastic dog doo. (audience laughs) (Dorothy sighs) Well, at least I'm not bitter. (audience laughs) - Dorothy, guess who's here. - My date! - Your husband. - I don't have a husband, call the police. (audience laughs) - Your ex-husband. - I'll call the police. (audience laughs) - Hi, everyone it's me, Stan. (door thuds) - Dorothy. (audience laughs) In the future I would appreciate a little advanced notice when
you're expecting a gentleman. I realize this time it's only Stan, but next time it could
be somebody appealing, or charming or at least
reasonably good looking. No offense, Stan. (audience laughs)
- None taken. Dorothy, could we talk for a minute? - Of course, for a minute, come on. - You bring your wife with you or did you make her stay home
and clean out her toy box? (audience laughs) - Ma, don't you remember? I told you, Stan and
Chrissy got a divorce. - I thought you said Stan
and Chrissy got a horse. (audience laughs) I'm 80, you gotta enunciate. Don't get me wrong. Horse, divorce. I could care less. I just hate being left
with egg on my face. (audience laughs) - All right, Stan, what's wrong? - What makes you think
there's something wrong? - Oh, please, Stan. We were married for 38 years. You can disguise your bald head, but you can't hide your emotions. (audience laughs) Now what's wrong? - I lost it, Dorothy (sobs). (audience laughs) - You never had it, Stanley. (audience laughs and applauds) - Girls, just wait until you see the little number I picked
up at the museum banquet! (audience cheers) Here I come! (audience applauds) - I don't believe it. - It can't be! - Hey, don't panic. Pick up one for Rose, you can
go as the Pointer Sisters. (audience laughs) - All right Dorothy, what are
we going to do about this? - We are not going to do anything. Blanche, it has taken me a
whole month to find this dress. You are simply going to
have to take yours back. - Oh, Dorothy, be reasonable! This dress looks so much better
on me than it does on you. - Hi girls. (door slams) Oh I love your dress. (audience laughs) - I am not taking mine back. - I am not taking mine back. - Girls, I really need to talk to you. - Dorothy, this is crazy. Since when do you care how you look? (audience laughs) - I think it started when I
came down from the bell tower and had my hump fixed. (audience laughs) - Buddy's going back
to Boston on Saturday. - This dress looks sensational on me. People expect to see me
in a sensational dress. - What do they expect to see me in? A yarmulke and a Hefty bag? (audience laughs) Okay, girls, which goes better? The silver chain or the pearls? - The chain? An amateur's mistake. Can't you see that the chain accentuates the many folds
of that turkey-like neck? (audience laughs) - Well that may be, but the pearls draw attention
to the nonexistent bosom! (audience laughs) - Yes, but the chain
leads the eye even lower, to that huge spare tire, (audience laughs) jutting out over those square, manly hips. - Why don't I just wear a sign
that says "too ugly to live?" (audience laughs) - Fine, but what are you
going to hang it from, the chain or the pearls? (audience laughs) - Neither, I'm gonna
spray paint it on my hump! (audience laughs) How do I look? - Great, Dorothy. You're going out with Eddie again? - Yes. Oh, by the way, Blanche, I borrowed your gold
earrings if that's okay? - Oh, it's fine. But I do think I should caution you. They were meant for petite ears. (audience laughs) - They'll just have to do until Disney unveils their Dumbo line. (audience laughs) - Oh my goodness. Look what I found. Double fudge cookies. I thought we agreed not to
keep cookies in the house. - Right, after this last box. - You're not going to eat them, are you? - Oh no, Rose. We're gonna go to some dumb country and try to use them as money. (audience laughs) Morning everybody. Rose, honey, I hope you don't mind. I borrowed your golf gloves. I have a date to play this morning. - With a man? - No Blanche, with a Venus flytrap. (audience laughs) Of course, with a man. - Is it Raymond again? - As a matter of fact, yes. - Raymond? Isn't he the guy you picked
up at the grocery store? - I did not pick him up. He asked me if I could
recommend a good coffee. And then I threw myself
underneath his shopping cart. (audience laughs) - Oh, I think he sounds really nice. - He is, he is. We've had a wonderful time
together these past few weeks. You know, girls, I really like him. And I think he likes me. - Just don't ruin it and sleep with him. (audience laughs) - Of course not, ma, I only do that with men I
plan to scar psychologically. (audience laughs) - I am the smartest
woman in the whole world! - And I am the pygmy queen. (audience laughs) - No, wait a minute. Blanche, what would you
say if I got a permit that would let you have
as many people stay here as you want? - What? Oh, that's terrific! Rose. This says I'm going to turn the home into a halfway house for
recently released criminals. (audience laughs) - Yes, Rose, you are the
smartest person in the world. Burger world. (audience laughs)
