George & Mildred Full Episodes - Complete Series 1 (Yootha Joyce, Brian Murphy) #george&mildred

[Music] underneath the Ares I dream my dreams I'll go one of me suspenders is per well use an elastic band what make me feet turn blue but if it's a straight Choice George I prefer blue feet to Floppy socks now come along put those legs away what's the matter getting you going AR they I've seen better legs than an oil rig now come on let me knot your tie properly you always pull it too tight yes well I do get carried away sometimes now look I want you to look your best George because it's a very select neighborhood yeah old BBC 2 and musical toilet rolls I don't want to go mild look hey it's Gary I want to view a house today now if you don't come with me how will I know what you think of it I won't like it who cares what you think you're coming has you brought our car back hey no right that settles it I am sick to death of that useless friend of yours he's had that car for weeks he's no more a motor mechanic than I'm morning Mr D good news it'll be ready tomorrow you said that yesterday no yesterday I said it be ready today don't you play games with me well the tricky things gear boxes you know George listen let me explain um do you know anything about cars no it's your gudon PIN you see slipped out of his woggle fou in your after shaft you can't get the doofers since they put the clocks back yeah well Jerry is the mechanic m sweet well not fulltime George I'm doing you a favor yeah now my speciality is collecting antiques obar Rags well we have to get to Hampton Wick by 1:00 I am aware of that and I'm placing myself and my vehicle at your [Music] disposal I'm not going anywhere in that just I don't play on the lawn it uh bruises the grass can I go and play with the boys in the park uh no no they're uh they're rough boys if I find this boy uh no no just play on the path uh don't make a noise enjoy yourself oh TR must get you a Ruger ball Jeffrey Hello darling was I expecting you home I doubt it otherwise you'd been vacuum cleaning and looking harassed I've just this minute sat down yes you home for lunch or or a 5 minute Frolic uh careful careful not at half turn no I'm just uh just showing some people around next door ah well it'll have to be the window cleaner again you couldn't not with the window cleaner I mean he drops his hes he drops everything when I wh does he now well I'd rather not know it's difficult to get window cleaners oh dear that can't be them can it this is going to make a lovely impression on the new neighbors is that it yes I don't like it get out oh dear look at them neck curtains waving about like SEI fles well now they S I think they've got cuz they got two boats George I have been sitting on sausage sandwiches well on still Mrs Rober yes good afternoon we spoke on the telephone Jeffrey for from the St yes absolutely would you Mo Mr rer not for a big clock four eded the leg for the boat race George well shall we go inside of course don't back for you George might go on the knucker see if I can get a few picking George Don't chat to the driver hello son now listen have you Dar old ladies around here uh this is the last remaining unit in this small rather exclusive uh development and I may say they are much sought after yeah we had trouble finding the place yes uh this is the entrance hall leading through to the cloak room through lounge and affording access to the first floor by means of a staircase oh that's a novelty Lou Four Mile as in boat race watch it yeah oh oh I mean it's so light and spacious all such big Windows yes but the local window cleaner is very willing or so I'm told what's this the patio ideal for late night barbecues barbecues George you shove sticks into things and roast them over Red Heart charcoal as I will shortly prove to you if you don't stop showing me up the uh the garden is very manageable are you keen on garby no I'll let him run to weed I grew a n once oh it's about the oh yeah I say she's a bit of all right is she next door too eh yes yes she is yeah yeah a bit on the skinny side but there you go I lot a bit of meat on myself that's my wife yeah there's a lot to be said to skinny women do you live next door oh I'm I'm so pleased I mean I I think it's so important you know to have nice Neighbors yes yes it is indeed a damn fireplace Adam kitchen fully fitted plenty of cupboard space bottle rack uh for your wine or your brown ale um a large space for all your equipment and how big is your Freez oh it varies depending on how optimistic I feel yeah what's this big old in the sink waste disposal you uh put your waist down there potato peeling so forth what I Fall In The Cupboard I don't know it's a bit PO for us isn't it oh don't worry about it George when you sit there in your vest scratching yourself it'll be instant Coronation Street I mean it doesn't you know I don't feel like home well it's not home yeah well like the place we live in you see then why are you moving oh that's the council see they want to knock me down yes yeah well it's compulsory purchase all see they want to build fly unders or something yes well you see the area has gone down dreadfully since we moved there yes pass really I mean it hasn't felt the same since the young ones left oh quite quite it um it is a sad time for mother when they leave you what well and a father too of course wasn't there a father oh yeah they had three or four different fathers as far as I know oh they were our Lodgers oh shall we uh move upstairs yes thank you yeah yeah it's very nice but there's not much call for gold watches these days I I'll give you a couple of quid for it well sou B valued it at £250 you haven't got any lead or rags that haven't been valed at other oh oh I don't see the point in having two lose well supposing you both wanted to uh at the same time of course he can wait anyway I'm in in here and that little one hasn't got a lid on it George that is a bday oh oh yeah they coming useful for washing the mud off Mewes George how can you be so ignorant they don't have m in Hampton Wick now get downstairs while I look around here in peace hello are you smooth can I play with you no you come what are you looking at are you working class yeah what do you work at oh well I don't at the moment part time I've got this bad back my day say your sponge of the tax payer and put on Mingos and if Riley does he well you tell your dad that I'm working class and bloody proud of it my daddy says you should be put up against the wall and shot your dad sounded right top he nose middle class twit that's what my mommy says yeah well good for her I saw your dad I'll knock his block off Daddy he want to knock your block off come on sorry about this home we done nice little boy nice he's W that kid he's like his father are you working class I'm sorry about that he will play you know now where were we yeah I was just saying out the back there I could knock up a few workingclass ferret Hutches and a pigeon Loof pigeons yeah well we can't keep them where they are you see the neighbors complain of the droppings of course there won't be any room for the Cal we can keep that in the paath can't yeah well I've got some space out there to burn the mattresses that is between sponging and plain Bingo of course come on oh we we'll be in touch I am ashamed of you George I thought I'd always been ashamed of you but I didn't know what being ashamed of you was well what do they like well she's all right don't think much of him though what's wrong with him his working class I'm bloody proud of [Music] it well I like it George and I think we ought to buy it yeah I heard you I heard you all night even with a pillow Over Me Ed I mean the bulldog does have been moving in soon you can't just sit here like King Canute well I don't see what burning cakes has got to do with it anyway why can't we take the council's offer a nice flat on the 18th floor gate School point I am not going to live in a vertical slum yeah well I feel happier there they're me own s yeah there's another reason why we're not going to live there oh I can't get the anger rolled in me own ah George and with all the practice youir oh Clint Eastwood Clint Eastwood can do it with one hand on the back of an horse and he's wearing a blanket perhaps he just as well I wased enough of these papers to do out the lounge morning George morning Mrs AR the car's outside the gearbox is in perfect working order it's about time apart from the fact that it's ever so slightly back to front it's not difficult I mean first is now fourth second is third third is second and first is fourth only I wouldn't advise going into the fourth George it's inclined to slip into reverse perfect working order well you can't get the parts Mrs art I've had to use parts from five different cars n got caught twice I don't know why I let this jack of all trades get his hands on our car I mean I must have wanted my head examined Psychiatry I know a bit about that now you think that be quiet is it safe oh yeah right George you and I going to Hampton Wick this morning in that car backwards if necessary and have a look at our house hi warden for mile good morning oh good morning my name is rer um I was viewing 46 peacock Cresent yesterday yes Mr rer Mrs Rober oh the lady in the nylon simulated leopard skin coat yes I'm a friend of the earth uh could I speak to Mr for mile please uh Mr for mile I'm afraid he's in conference with our Mr wag finger uh well um actually we we wanted to see the house again um would be all right if we picked up the keys say about oh 12:00 yes that'll be fine goodbye goodbye they want to view the the house again oh dear1 and it's worse now than it was before mil he has got the windscreen wipers going yeah R every time it rains we're going to have to S the J wi frog now George we do happen to see any of the neighbors don't oh George it's sold pow Splat watch out with one flick of his powerful tail the sub aquatic crime Buster smash the spear gun from the hands of the mafia Frogman Splash help help glug glug uh oh what in God's name are you reading in SharkMan he's half man half fish fights crime underwater what sort of crime takes place underwater I don't know codna what you looking at oh just some people outside 46 that's all oh yes they were here yesterday sold I didn't know it was sold it isn't we don't want it sort living next door do we what what is he Daddy what um oh half man half fish can I see him no Tristram you go and play in the garden Mommy wants to talk to Daddy are you going to have a I stay and watch no did you let those poor people come all the way over here for nothing um well uh what's the point if it's gone oh George I I just wanted another look at the bathroom you know that lovely avocado lowlevel sweet well we got lowlevel sweet at home yeah only since the assistant fell off the wall George you don't care do you I mean you don't care that this house has been sold no I like it always did oh oh we'd have bought it if it wasn't sold I said oh George no I can't accept that I am not a snob ban you ask anyone well anyone who matters oh yeah yes you are you buy the financial times just to impress the news agent nonsense I just don't want to be knee deep in ferrets and pigeon droppings that's all it's not much to ask is it I mean he even grows thistles in his garden oh the ultimate crime I'm telling you and that man could drop the bottom out of the property market for miles around well I think it's mean putting a sold sign up they look like a nice couple I'm sure they are apart from him and his friend did you see his friend yes he offered me a gfish for the grandfather clock well there you are there's no guarantee they haven't got children swarms of children trist them will get nits oh For Heaven's Sake Jeffrey I just feel sorry for them that's all I'm sorry it bounc yeah damn near hit me oh it's you yes I don't think we met each other properly my name's trist yeah would we oh uh rer George rer I can't off me a sweetie uh oh I I won't take it cuz Daddy do doesn't take sweet and strange men oh well right shall I tell him you offer me one no no mil can we go now all right George just a minute oh hello love it's Tristram isn't it it don't offer him any sweets It's a trap got to boys or girls no dear not yet not yet oh watch I couldn't see you from the window I'm from next door this is uh my little Horror oh how'd you do this is mine oh wait it's not compulsery we were very nearly neighbors yes um did you have to come far no dear no not far mind you it took us nearly an hour and a half an hour and a oh dear well would you like a cup of tea oh zap po all right play where I can see you come through thank you Jeffrey we've got company um this is Mr and Mrs uh uh Rober oh good yes you've been looking around next uh uh yes we did phone this morning but uh you were in conference with your Mr wag finger who oh yes quite do sit down thank you do you think it's all right I mean I've got me Working Class trousers on sit oh it's a lovely room and the carpet oh I do like a nice deep pile on the floor don't you George nice deep pile of what um yes uh tea would you prefer China or Indian oh yes please I like the one the monkeys drinks milk or lemon uh no thanks I'll stick with the tea yes will have lemon thank you oh we're the Charming little boy I you're only one yes yes we were going to have another but the dishwasher came first ah you can't candle a dishwasher he can do you have swarms of I mean any any children at all no no oh we did try once or twice but uh no we haven't got a dishwasher either now well we thought best not they're too many workingclass kids as there is and we breed like fruit flies our lot once we start Jo luckily there's a war every now and then that thinners out I don't suppose you were in the war were you I was exempt for medical reasons I hadn't been born you see there's always an excuse trist what are you doing I'm listening home disgraceful you take off to your mother go inside now the thing about the war is you had all sorts of people with one thing in common H they were getting killed no yeah well it was there but the main thing was that you had the dukee and the dustman standing shoulder Tosh shoulder side by side doing what hey um well getting killed mainly the point I'm trying to make is that was a war that was supposed to end class Prejudice and have our lot take over there now be a silver collection in his clog do you think we might be able to change the subject a what a Pity the house next door has been sold yes yes it is a Pity isn't it Jeffrey um about about the war it hasn't been sold next door it hasn't been sold has it Daddy ah well uh uh you told me before it hasn't been sold you said who uh who who uh said that there sign on the board out there so really so there is H you can't rely on stuff these days oh Jeffrey no no no no it's that wag finger chap absolutely useless have to go there's nothing to stop was putting down a deposit well uh I can't think of anything hi like them didn't you twist looks like we've got our new neighbors I'm afraid it does oh cheer up George you said you liked it yeah but that was when it was sold mild we can't afford it oh yes we can once we get the compensation from the Council of course uh you'll have to get yourself a job [Applause] [Music] [Laughter] hey it's all right [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] d [Music] come on let's have it then now be careful don't shck it about put it over there yeah go easy with that chair it's not as young as it was by what one of the legs is loose and stuffing he's coming out the bottom you've got your problems I've got mine here hang on you can take this with you yeah and this would you like to pop the piano on me back before I break into a truck by the look at their Furniture we won't have much difficulty in keeping up with them your nose is growing by the minute I just taking a friendly neighborly interest God what a lot of tat isn't that plane of yours late huh the one taking aerial photographs you can tell a lot about people by looking at their Furniture I think we'll move Jeffy you promised to make an effort to be nice to him yes well only to his face well how can you possibly dislike someone you've only met once what it's just a knck left a bit and right a bit up a bit down a bit that's how Charleston was born right where do you want it oh uh yeah well the the wife wants it upstairs but I think all going to loung CU I stay up a lot at night you know reading western oh yeah I like Western boys and that oh yeah oh yeah Indians too Indians they're good to night oh yeah oh Indians are lovely a they see this chair is very comfortable of course on the other end have you got a light I don't smoke I don't drink either I just stand around here getting ruined yeah oh yeah well right you better go in here thank you very much I'll go hold on care George when you packed this teapot did it not occur to you to empty it first it is empty what it is now now I've got tea leaves all over me underwear look at that I see a letter from a loved one on a journey across the sea can we put this down now yes yes put it down somewhere over there that's it if I can find the kettle I'll make you some tea if I can find the tea is in the kettle oh it would be look George why didn't you make a list of where you packed everything I did but I can't remember where I packed it how you going to bring the bedy next it goes in the bedroom in the bedroom so much to learn so little time it's upstairs oh George look at this lot this is all I've got to show for 20 odd years of married life useless rubbish oh you got me mild yes useless rubbish I mean George it's when did we I mean look at that chair I mean just look at it your father gave us that chair there's still a stain on it from the day war was declared yeah well that was enough to make anyone spill their cocoa it's all over oh George all of it when was the last time we ever bought anything new yeah last month that coat hanger yeah oh well we can invite people in give them a tour of the Wardrobe I don't want people in mild ah now you see that's just the difference between you and me I am gregarius George you are not well I don't see what astrology's got to do with it I mean I like people George I like mingling when did we last mingle Geor oh don't start that again you know the only person I ever get to talk to is aan and and he never answers I want a social life George oh I see it's one of your Swanky dinner parties is it everyone standing around in plus four with Gob full of after eight minuts now came to I don't want to oh God scw God BL me well done George you found the cattle Jeffrey if you must stand there spying at least give a running commentary oh they're just taking in an item of furniture what I think it used to be a bed hope they get this Ling before Margaret arrives oh it's Margaret now is it last week it was Mrs Partridge MP pleased to meet your mom lick lick lick when you're on the committee at the tennis club these natural friendships spring up quite spontaneously if you work at it I see chat up did you not at all we found we had a lot in common politics sense of humor I'm mustach yes no well yes but um don't say that tonight she's a very important woman now oh we'll frame her knife and fork yeah good idea look at that dining table it's a tea chest not that behind it it looks very similar I gr you well Jeffrey I think you should go and ask them if they'd like a cup of tea I didn't hear that an either that or you can help me scrape the vegetables ah I heard that um I think I got and ask them if they want a cup of tea do I have to SS if I mean it yes oh very well well Daddy Daddy you're staying on ni ni's pool what oh uh sorry nif niff he's over there well sorry ni ni he's moved again and uh I don't think this imaginary dog is a healthy thing nonsense he's a lovely dog what you niff niff cooch cooch Co see mommy knows where he is George you have been no help to me at all today you should have been out there with those removal men they said I should be here with you well they're no fools are they that's a lot Mrs Right the head of the household would like to sign here right yes certainly thank you it's got a nice tip that benen par hasn't it a nice tip yes it has got a I see yes of course I'm so sorry um there you are would you uh like to get yourself a drink oh tell very much um I'm afraid we uh dropped your orange vas oh George they've broken that vase your mother gave us get yourself two drinks thank you take that with it oh George a right thank you very much oh uh by the way um that box of Saucy magazines oh yeah we slung out like you said oh thank you it belonged to a previous occupant yeah Mrs rer good afternoon oh Mr for mile good afternoon uh do come in please thank you I'm afraid there's a bit of a mess in here yes it's Mr rer isn't it look at that been in my family for over 20 years it's a long time to keep a broken verse no it wasn't broken until just now surprised me oh um and my wife uh thought um moving day and so forth that um well perhaps a cup of tea would be in order go blind me we've only been here 5 minutes he wants to make tea for him oh No George you got hold of the wrong end of it as usual will you will you tell her we'll be delighted we'll pop in later oh good um if there's anything else I can uh have you been turned on I'm not sure gas water electricity oh oh yes yes we have thank you um I I would offer you a Sherry but we haven't got any glasses we haven't got any Sherry are they that is another reason thank you George no no really um if you have any other problems um any problems at all uh don't hesitate to uh deal with them oh thank you see you later bye bye bath George if we are going to go next door you are going to have a bath why had a bath last month George I keep telling you once a month is not enough 20y old ingri trained to be a tree surgeon but turned over a new leaf and branched out into modeling yeah George are you in that bath yet uh we yeah yeah oh well then you must look very foolish cuz there's no water in it I haven't heard those caps running well uh Walter yeah it's a good idea that I thought that look I'm not going to wait any longer yeah I'm going all right now if we put Mrs part Margaret there next to me here giving her the benefit of my better side then you can sit there next to her husband there incidentally um don't you think that dress is a little too um you know I mean it's h not a coming out party I know what I'm doing it'll take his mind off the food yeah but she is a conservative and he leans a bit to the right so I'll lean a bit to the left and he won't see anything all right don't jump up and down hello oh thank you love oh I'm sorry if I was a bit delayed but I I thought I better change out of my old clothes oh no no no you're fine as you are is your uh is your husband with you no oh good good of you to come would you like a cup of tea oh Sher it would be quicker um you have a monal oroso fale oh lovely you uh must be up to your eyes in it uh no it's the first one today thank you M they all any town and do you mean You' you've actually got a member of parliament coming here for dinner you must be so excited oh we don't like to make a fuss no and we told the whole street so they wouldn't make a fuss either well I mean I suppose when you get to know them well I mean they're just like us us well well some of them are like some of us and um others of them are like others of us oh how very true yes do they uh do they live around here no they live in s not all of it but most of it oh well I mean I know that if they were coming to my place I would be in such a tizzy no no no we just take it for granted that good grief they're here um uh uh uh you take the rice bucket I'll fill their Cates right well if do them there early good even it's my wife in here what oh yes come inside please quickly George oh dear God well I couldn't find the towels mild I looked everywhere in one of the oh go on I'll help you find them I am so sorry about his legs that reminds me I must wash the celery have you got your underpants on George no I hav't I'm wi I'm going to be the laughing stock of the entire neighborhood George come on oh look it's starting to rain he I gave him to you you did not I left them on the whole stand for you look there I are [Music] [Applause] [Music] I'll get it darling uh don't you think you should put something frilly across the top of no well um no bouncing keep them as still as possible is it all right if I breathe occasionally you must be the judge of that just remember they are an important couple well thank you darling not them them good even they been locked out oh seems to be the only one that isn't locked yeah you should be able to get in there m don't you think it's a man's job oh yeah you could be right I you go then J [Applause] 30 de George what under [Laughter] pants he hasn't been well I found them M I found the towels good perhaps now you let me finish my cherry in peace oh can't leave the lad here dear burglars Burg ah ah there are it's all right your daddy's already in the bath [Music] oh BL oh God m m oh did they get in all right one of them did the other one's still here oh how nice Sherry uh which was yours oh yes the nearly empty one Jeffrey at least fill it up oh no that's all right love I shouldn't really oh but I will is your little boy then uh he's having an early night yes Jeffrey thought it best with his a levels coming up in 12 years I'm afraid that Anne would bring him up according to spock oh that's the doctor not the one with the pointed I think I've been going to dry my hair Oh what now I suppose he can't find his flannel yes what is it hello Jeff that sounds like your guest love better go finish your drink oh right hello hello an an you know Margaret and Charles hello and uh this is Mrs uh uh Mildred from next door how do you do oh how how do you do I um I've never shaken hands with a me Member of Parliament before well you still haven't actually my wife is the MP oh [Laughter] I really must ask you now the prime minister is he the same in real life as he is on television I'm afraid sir oh how interesting and and tell me I mean apart from being an MP what do you do I'm a parliamentary private secretary oh oh I always wish I'd learned to type Margaret Margaret you uh mustn't monopolize Mrs rer uh come on down let me show you my ro oh good [Laughter] grief do do you think he wants to come in no no no no shouldn't think so no you can't leave him up there f oh ly drain pipe I think I put me knee out yes well um come and tell me about it uh outside do carry on you know him uh slightly you mean you're still locked out yeah you see I couldn't get out of the room I'll phone for locksmith I'll stay there trust him you should be in bed nff wanted a drink I I'm sick and tired of that damn dog he's over there well that damn dog there son what dog is this my dog n ni he's invisible oh yeah and he bites people some I don't like that to be the one to tell you but there isn't any dog there I know I made him up oh oh see did he's a nice little fellow is he he's a sort of um I think I'll wait in there don't could I speak to Mr gr please I don't care if you are a recording machine let me speak to Mr GH oh oh yeah it shook me up a bit you know the drain pipe coming away like that yeah I've got a bruise on me the size of my husband was on his way to the bath up the drain pipe oh it's a long story it must be thank you oh yeah thank you a what exactly is it this this green stuff avocado oh yeah same color as our labatory um I found you a locksmith he won't be here for an hour oh that's all right we know Harry Nice drop of Brandy eh Tories yeah that's the party for Rich Twi isn't it no I've got nothing against you personally Maggie I'm in labor really oh yeah yeah I've been for years you see now you see now where you Tories go roll George it's closing time what the pubs no your mouth where your Tes go wrong is not having a firm policy on the price of Budgy seed you mean we lost the bud you boot oh yeah definitely yes and and it's your leadership is it Charlie it I mean you're you're Mrs statue you see now if she is to wear a ganic and smoke a pipe will she P yes but with whom yeah well let's put it this way I mean what she got that Mike yood can get hold [Laughter] of Jeffrey if I don't serve dinner 5 minutes ago it'll be ruined not while he's here we'll have to give him some it's evaporating it'll be all and no van let's face it you see I mean you Tores I mean no no no offense but you see when you get down to it you're just a lot chinless wonders aren't you no not for George thank you no he only drinks to be sociable you take your what's name uh McMillan and wife who've never had it so good oh that'll be for you I hope I mean what did he ever do eh apart from letting the window of change blow up his Corridor of power good night oh it's been ever so well I think you know what it's been ah uh this is the locksmith oh hello oh it's ever so nice of you I'm sorry to have dragged you out to George what are you doing I'm stoking this invisible dog mted George you're drunk good night Tristram he didn't really stroke him cuz he's over there be he's got this invisible dog called niff niff I'll give you niff niff when I get you inside oh that's one here we are Madam I'll send you my bill oh thank you very much right come and have your bath George it'll be run cold by now it'll be run [Laughter] cold [Laughter] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] he [Music] B [Music] Roger Moore Gerald Harper the Duke of Kent the 10 best dressed men ah they've missed you out again George they what just don't go into the garden George you might frighten the crows what fle point you trying to make mil well at least you might try and put your socks on I had me socks on you told me to take them off was last night in bed sure if you go to the labor exchange dress like that you'll never get a job no oh now you are just not trying how can anyone fail an interview for a lollipop man yeah what didn't want an outdoor job mild now if they had indoor lollipop men well I just might where's me bacon bacon cost money George cash it causes talk if you try and buy a packet of streaky with an access card I see but you can afford new net curtains just to impress the neighbors you can't eat net curtains mild if you don't get a job we may have to I blame this Posh house you spent all our money on it now you're frightened it be ashamed of us but George you might like work try it I am not since the gas mantle Factory broke down you haven't now George they've warned you they've warned you at the Social Security they're going to cut off your supplementary benefit I don't care what they call neither do I not anymore m i you don't turn me egg [Laughter] over I am not going to eat that egg you will get it served up to you every meal until you do it's a b of Wills Is it yes well you should have said stupid argument a million and a half unemployed do you realize I'm going to have feed them I don't think I've got enough plates I'm speaking as a taxpayer I blame Anthony Wedgwood Ben oh Jeffrey you blame him when you get damn rough now come on Tristram drink your orange juice or you'll never grow up to be a big strong moaner like your dad who's Anthony W be ah well he's Jeffrey he's far too young for that sort of language he one very I no dear that's Clive Jenkins or possibly Hugh scandin and I'll tell you another thing these figures are out of date should be 1 and a half million and one Deborah's left a filing Clark in your office the thin one yes well she used to be a thin I mean she's um p r e g n a n t well I'm not surprised she was s e x m a d well it's damned inconvenient was pregnant right lad you wouldn't get that in the state school me think she's um she's growing a baby um in her tummy can I play with him uh no no uh not for a while uh he's um eat your cereal all right why sex mad now remember George I don't want to see you coming through that door until you got yourself a job well you better leave a window open then George think positively say to yourself I am as good as any other man and try and believe it I know it's difficult but do try good morning M morning morning we were just going into town to look at hats H yeah well I like to of course but I've got to go she means meor come on in love yeah right well I'm off then I'm as good as any other man oh yeah there we are love going in that that's it sit yourself down dear oh I would have been ready but George and I had this tug of war over a fried egg oh sounds like fun you know he's so fussy oh Jeffrey is just the same he won't touch an egg unless he knows where it comes from I thought they all came from the same place re range your battery oh yes oh silly me oh dear shall I ask my teacher what it means what sex mad no no don't do that um it's one of those words that means um lots of things uh this and that and uh almost anything at all really you didn't mind me asking not at all if you don't ask you don't learn hey excuse me any chance to give me a toe up the watch's name up in the garage me car won't stop well you give me a push if you like well I'd love to oh all right you can give me a lift up the ey Road thank you oh morning son there's not a lot of leg room in these is it still out W up [Laughter] there you are 3:00 tomorrow in the Personnel Department thank you thank you next now uh ah yes Mr grer oh no no no no no that's a that's a G rooper oh oh yes I do apologize uh Mr rer your cigarette would you mind oh it's a bit wet on the end thank you no smoking now I have your file forwarded on from your previous employment office Radcliffe Robinson roer I'm as good as any other man yes now what sort of employment was it you were looking for for the last uh 7 years well I'm very fond of animals mainly budges I've always been attracted to show business not a lot of call for singing vets I see you're down here as a gas mantle Packer now qualifications when did you leave school exactly can you remember uh yeah well it would have been about half past 4 I suppose Oh Oh you mean the year yeah um 1940 something rather I assume you have no o or a levels oh well they didn't have education when I was at school but what with the war in that see I see well there's a vacancy here for a builder's laborer I don't suppose you were in the war were you been a civil servant I was in the war actually or there's a night Watchman what' you do some sort of pen Pusher job was it no oh yeah what then I was dropped behind the Enemy Lines in 1941 I spent two years organizing French Resistance sabotaging munition dumps blowing up railway tracks and so on I was finally captured by the Gusto tortured thrown into cits from which I escaped was recaptured escaped again worked my way back to England and was awarded the military cross any questions how much did a night Watchman earn 30 a week oh well I don't want it well there's another one here filing Clark in an estate agency oh that sounds more like it oh no I don't want to work for him it's worth going for the interview George I mean after all he is a friend he's not a friend he lives next door well at least you know him yeah but he don't like me well it's the same thing ask yourself this mild how come they suddenly got a vacancy eh I don't know George I think the previous fining Clark got pregnant did he well actually I'm not going George it was a GE it's just that they're not allowed to discriminate these days they forget about sex much as you do anyway this call is too tight if I cough I burst me ear drums well at least you look respectable George yes just for once I wouldn't be ashamed if you got run over oh thank you right now I'm all ready should we go yeah right oh no you're not coming with me I'm not a kid I just want wanted to make sure George that you arrive safely on time and in reasonable condition well I'm not a kid mild George there are three pubs between here and our house you'd have been asking the way in every one of them good afternoon oh good afternoon um we've come to see Mr for mile we have an appointment about the vacancy ah yes Miss groper Mr groper I mean roer oh yes well he won't be a moment do take a seat oh thank you yeah I can manage on me own now mil all right now sit up straight speak clearly and if you must blow your nose don't look in your handkerchief afterwards we'll uh we'll for the details of the property of you keep touch ah this is roer yeah afternoon oh afternoon afternoon well this is a pleasant surprise uh and when you come in oh actually it's georia a bit more private here oh do you sit down I wasn't intending to stay you see no no sit down what you here oh well then what can I you'll think you're moving no oh uh Jane about that woman about the job um when she comes ask her to wait will you but she's in there he's in there it's Mr rer fine Jane thank you the labor exchange gave me this for you ah yes um uh I am you're not altogether a woman what you didn't ask for one well I'm not allowed to it's this stupid oh dear well I mean he's not all that masculine well no Ian don't let his mustache fool you right that's say I'm off sit down now he's he's he's willing and and he's uh clean and he um he does a very good job at packing gas mantles so I don't suppose that would enter into it very much no it wouldn't you're wasting your time he doesn't want me no no no no that's not that well it is that so look I I'm I'm perfectly willing to uh to consider you oh good no I've considered him no sorry let me see if I got this straight you're turning me down for this job right final you will not reconsider it uh yes that's right oh thanks very much I'll just go back to the labor exchange Jo I am sorry Mrs roer but I did want a woman and one with experience it's a it's a very complicated filing system oh it's a colorcoded cross index system yes that's right oh I used to use it before I gave up working did you really yes now don't start getting at me miled I did me best I know you did George but he really did want a woman you know I mean he wanted somebody with warmth and uh a pleasant personality who does that remind you of George a woman War Pleasant personality nobody me George he offered me the job he did what now look here I'm not having any wife of mine going out to work well I sit here doing nothing reading the paper drinking Cups of Tea while you go out uh when'd you start Monday morning George and both of us are going to have to be up at 7:30 shop both oh yes I mean if I'm going to go have to go out to work George I need you to make me a proper cooked [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] breakfast come on come on this is a non-stick pan you stupid slice of bacon oh god oh here morning George this piece of bacon spat right in me eye I'm not surprised the way you're treating it oh I think I just have toast I thought you wanted to cook breakfast I'm still digesting yesterday what's wrong with it I've seen tasty looking Speedway tracks now come along hurry up George I'm going to be late for work hang on I've only got one pair of ends do you want tea or coffee well I prefer coffee but since your tea tastes more more like coffee than your coffee does I'll have tea yeah right well tea it is then anything interesting in the papers this morning H oh nothing to worry your pretty little head about now don't you start that oh my God [Applause] oh Excuse Me Miss um that looks a nice piece whereabouts on the cow does that come from well it's from it comes from uh here yeah yeah right um well what about that bit well sort of fear oh um and that piece well more or less he do you want to go for the jackpot excuse me have you got one of them that a million Housewives every day pick up a tin of them and say something or other I didn't what I mean how's it Go isn't atude for Cross Your Heart lady harness steady on I was here first hello enjoying your shopping oh we have that's fun for you CH of baked beans I borrow up you [Music] yesterday come on in Mr R I'll put the kettle on we'll have a nice cup oh dear my feet oh I know it's the shopping here isn't that green grosser a terrible flirt well never said anything to me well perhaps he prefers blondes take your shoes off uhh no that's one pleasure I'm saving to later yeah I'm saving that up oh oh dear I don't know the price of apples these days I know well they don't grow on trees oh there are you see I'm out of touch you know my mother God Rest her in the old days she go out with half a crown she'd come back with twice this amount of groceries mind you she did a lot of shoplifting pric is are terrible now oh shocking I mean I don't know how she expects me to manage with what she gives me it's scrim and saveing never any thanks mind you I can always get a little extra out of Jeffrey if I uh blow in his ear you should try it well I know him no I mean it's not fair is it I mean all day cooking cleaning and shopping and they come I'm expect you to drop everything for a bit of rumo well at least you haven't got a child to look after I mean I can't even get out to the hairdressers oh well if I can help in anyway I thought you'd never ask I've got an appointment this afternoon at halfast 4 oh here you are oh thank you Mrs rer um could you dig out a far from me on a chat named Collins J Collins I believe the previous young lady had him filed under D for Dreamboat yes of course the previous young lady oh dear Warden former I can't find the party sand cheese who is this it's me is me there um it's for you it's someone called me who can't find the partisan cheese George I told you not to ring me at work it's in the oxob box Mark string well no wonder I couldn't find it hey m oh dear cartisan cheese and grated nutmegs nutmeg you are Jay Collins file thank you Warden former nutmegs nutmegs who it's not the Galloping Gourmet again George we haven't got any yeah well could you pick some up on your way home yeah oh and the lettuce mild and Mild you hang up on me again mild yeah oh add paprika to taste paprika here he is Mr rer he won't be any trouble he's got his homework to do well you better come in then son now you'll be a good boy Tristram I'll only be an hour bye yeah bye I CH to girl at school today did you I didn't want to but she made me yeah I know how you feel go through you go trist T Tim or whatever your name is uh you sit down there see and uh look you get on with your work cuz I got to do some cooking are you playing mommies uh yeah yeah I suppose so you baby and your Hy know what BL me I don't know listen son babies don't grow men's tummies they're found aren't they and cabbage leaves not in our house I grew my mommy's tummy my daddy put me there did he I think so it might have been Anthony ww Ben oh well another day older and deeper in De the day seem to fly past I never know where that oh N Night n night love warden for mile it's in the cupboard under the sink Oh wrong number oh yes oh i' love one thank [Music] you oh dear oh me feet oh oh oh oh Lely oh oh EV oh I see this is what you do all day long is it oh just this minute sat down I'm sure well George aren't you going to ask me what sort of day I've had I don't care what sort of day you've had I've been stuck in this house mild haven't seen a soul all day except for little half mile next door and all afternoon I've been slaving over hot stove cooking you nice meals oh good what is for dinner beans on toast well what was all this paprika and Nutmeg nonsense yeah well I made made a mistake well I thought it was gravy Browning well they shouldn't put shoe polish in bottles it looked like gravy brownie it's all right for you like to taste of stuff the inside of my mouth feels like a peir of bro up a there now George don't upset yourself love the window cleaner winked at me yesterday leave me alone oh look come on George I tell you what I'll take you out for a nice meal how's that well yes come on nice bottle of wine and then tomorrow yeah you can start taking domestic science classes oh no oh not sardin sandwiches again I am sick to death of sardines why don't you get him to make you something else I made them a love well it's all he add in right well I'm up to lunch ladies than about too if anyone wants me you'll know where I am oh morning oh morning uh I like a word with my wife if I may the nut makes an next to please be quiet mild now look here I say quiet my wife has giving you a week's notice as from now oh she is I am not oh yes you are because I went out this morning and got myself a job and I start immediately George have a sardine sandwich oh Jo you shouldn't be doing that that's my job yeah well it is from now mild I'm hanging up the apron now come on Jo sit down now tell me all about your new job well it's uh it's a position in a shoe factory yeah yeah it's a very important position there were two of us after the job but I was considered the most suitable mainly cuz I had both legs yes I see well um George I've got a little surprise for my bread winner oh well champagne well well nearly yes and um and I thought that I'd buy something for myself you know cuz I I thought we need to celebrate yeah so I thought that we would have an early night ah uh yeah yeah I'd like to of course but George I won't take no for an answer yeah well uh you're going to have to take no mil because uh when I said I start work immediately I meant immediately but it's 6:00 in the evening I know I'm a night Watchman good night by the way uh when I come home this morning I expect a proper cooked breakfast get out [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] William [Music] [Applause] [Music] w [Music] it's very kind of you to offer the babysit for us Mrs rer we really do appreciate it oh not at all do go through to the lounge oh thank you for God's sake get move on woman I'm sorry I was talking to Adam why do some women spend hours and hours priting themselves up I mean you don't do you well I oh there you are you sit down would you like a Sherry thank you we shouldn't be back too late we going to see Tom stoppard's jumpers oh really well I hope you enjoy them Jeffrey you're wake him up making all that noise I'm only pouring a Sherry you can hardly hear it hello thanks so much for coming now tristram's in the fridge and the sandwiches are in bed uh it's all right love I know what come on we're going to be late no we're not I'll put your watch on 20 minutes oh God we're going to be early oh uh look Mildred if Tristram comes down and tells you there's a werewolf under his bed don't believe him no no it's in the Cupboard come on bye enjoy yourselves oh there a gy bear in my toy cupboard is it there what happened to the werewolf the grey bear it's him oh did he oh that's a bit of luck and now he wants to drink of water I see well I'll bring him up one in a minute I'm going risc we'll see now go on up the wooden Hill go on off you go it's finally packed up mild it's been on the blink for years and now it's packed up well you shouldn't play with it oh just just in the vertical all that's all I can't even get a picture you keep your voice down I thought I could watch Coronation Street on this yes why not sit yourself down for 24 hours hey it's Tuesday George he doesn't go out till Wednesday night oh oh yeah all well what is on tonight then nothing I came in here to get away from that now if you're going to stay George you can sit and talk to me oh yeah right I'll see you when you get back then will you read me a story hey oh uh well I don't know what about the wicked witch Ah that's it get her to read you one you know he shouldn't be downstairs well I didn't bring him down he promised me story I did not oh George now come on you must keep your promise I didn't all that oh god there you go right what was it the wiked witch will you make one up instead hey oh well I don't know um yeah all right I suppose so uh right now then let's see um oh yeah uh there was this sock you see uh and it was Scottish cuz it came from Scotland and and and he was called jock jock sock jock sock and um and there was this other sock you see uh called Sally Sally sock and one day Sally said to her husband jock she said um there's a hole in you aren't you going to get it mended and he said he said I'll be dared if I do I think you best read the book yeah all right all right right oh yeah now then once upon a time there lived a king who what's that word r who reigned over his kingdom wisely and well here we are nice L of water oh CH it's not for you George it's with a grizzly bear in the cupboard oh yeah mild perhaps you better finish this off good night Mr good night son good night Jo good night Sally yeah well good night from them and all too well now where was he up to can I have a banana well I finally got him up George [Music] George oh he was asleep yeah so was I ah George he kissed me good night yeah he probably did have his glasses on now look George George it made me think I mean is it is it really too late to have one of our own well it is a bit there's a George ra film on adopting one well it seem to be the only way love I mean I don't think George is going to strike oil after all these years well you have been trying then oh yes on and off you know we went to a doctor once he said there was nothing wrong with us it's just that we hadn't been blessed well George mainly uh he hadn't been blessed some friends adopted oh yeah mind you they were a lot younger than you uh that is they weren't as old as have you um have you thought of fostering oh yes yes we did do but then you see you've got to give them back haven't you love you know a bit like milk bottles no no I really want one on my own well it wouldn't do any harm to make some inquiries mild all right anyway I mustach get me shopping in before the pound slides again I see you up oh um I must apologize for the whole carpet there isn't one yes that's what I mean but it is on order in the meantime we're just going to have to make do with wall toall floor boards are you uh are you serious ious about this adoption thing oh yes love very mind you the trouble is persuading [Music] George go nice meal that oh good George more brown ale oh yeah hey you didn't eat much of it oh well you know I'm not too fond of tripe and trial tart but uh I know it's your favorite George oh yeah what are you after mild nothing George really yeah I know you're nothing really is you have them every fortnite I've got an headache oh George it is not that George it's just a well I mean you know I've always wanted a child of my own I thought you said it wasn't that it isn't oh For Heaven's Sake George uh George have a brandy oh oh no I mean I've got nothing against kids mild well it was a time when I quite fancied having a little chat a little fell that looked just like me yes well even that no I mean we could have done things together him and me we could have collected shrapnel like I did with my dad there's not a lot of shrapnel left George I know but you know what I mean oh might be nice just once to have heard a little voice call me daddy daddy no it's not the same coming from you George now there is another way George I mean I know that it wouldn't be your own child what are you getting there but we could bring him up as ours you're talking about artificial insinuation by what's name no George no I am not no good I am talking about this adoption Society de I've been thinking George you could tell him bedtime stories about your socks you can bounce him on your knee you're going to go on all night aren't you I can tell you left your teeth in they are my own George and you are not going to change the subject by provoking me you're provoking me it's 2:00 in the morning George all I want is a final decision I've giv it to you now that doesn't sound like a final decision to me George a and then when you've made your decision George we can turn the small room into a nursery a bunny rabbits on the wall George what bunny rabbits on the wall where in the nursery George you think I'm going to crack don't you you think I'm going to say yes just for a bit of Peace of course not well you're wrong I am where do I say no no George no I want you to do this for the right reasons you are you should only do this if you sincerely and generally want to bring up a child that you can love and bring up as your own but I'm doing it for that M cuz I sincerely and and what's name genuinely and genuinely want a child that I can love and and bring up and bring up as my own right George you've talked yourself into it oh he was ever so keen on the idea he couldn't sleep for talking about it marvelous yes uh the only trouble is they need a name as a reference well either a close friend or um or a neighbor ah you see and uh most of our close friends well they don't care for us I thought of you well if you think it would help oh it would it really would yes are you sure we're doing the right thing I mean once you post that application form George we're not committing ourselves to anything oh besides I'm sure we're doing the right thing yeah well if you're [Music] sure oh little fell ah what's your name [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] and if it's convenient I would like to call on you at 4:30 this coming Saturday today yes the 12th to discuss the matter Yours Faithfully uh yeah we couldn't read his signature we thought it was either Smith or Battlefield well uh could it be uh Hitler oh no oh no he wouldn't be working for an adoption Society well mil yeah I just had a thought he might bring it with him save him making two Journeys George he's only come to look at us For Heaven's Sake get those old trousers off oh yeah right not here oh don't worry about me I'm not easily shocked it's not Shock I'm afraid of dear it's pity and George George don't walk on the new Hall carpet well what am I supposed to do Edge along the skirting board in those boots now what sort of questions do you think this Mr uh Hitler Battlefield get dressed what sort of things would you ask you know well if you're really worried m talked to this friend of ours Jill the one who adopted she's coming around this morning oh well the man who came to see us oh now let me think oh yes he asked us how often we went to church yes well we do watch stars on Sunday and how my husband felt about children pass oh well he asked us all sorts of questions really you know this that and the other oh this and that are all right the other I'm not sure but I think that's sure Amanda crying ah yes I am sure she is oh I can't wait to see [Music] her it's ages since actually held a baby well now you chance she's uh she uh she's gorgeous well at least you didn't say what those people say what's that she's black is she so she is oh I would never have [Music] noticed I would have noticed but oh she's lovely excuse me a minute oh look at those [Music] eyes oh yeah I can't find me collar bones oh AR they short blades somewhere no no no no no we stiffer things you can't find me oh this is Amanda George it's Jill's baby he's black yes well um would you like to take a there we are I think I better get him home I'll stiffen your collar for [Music] you it's all very well mild but supposing we get one like that I mean if I walk down the street with it everyone think I'd been unfaithful to you the other way around George oh yeah I mean if if we got to have one I want one that looks like me well perhaps without the mustache we're supposing it's a girl oh then definitely without the mustache when this Mr Battlefield arrives Smith all right well whatever when he arrives what do you do oh uh yeah where's your list come on oh yeah there we go oh uh I'll say good afternoon and I'll offer him a cherry cherry George oh yeah sh at the same time giving him a pleasant smile oh my God for the rest of the interview I sit up straight and try not to do anything disgusting yes good afternoon Mr for mile yes my name is trubshaw I'm a social worker for the local adoption Society ah oh a very worthy cause no no no sorry I'm here with reference to your reference oh perhaps I should have phoned first oh no no do come in please thank you I uh I should have mentioned this mentioned what this but since I was calling on Mr Mrs rer I thought I might as well call on you as well ah huh well that's very sociable of you yes ah here we are now I understand that you are prepared to say that um The Ropers would make first class parents h no yes no uh Jeffrey uh please do sit down we just want to uh in the hall won't take a moment just say Yes um it seems uh a moment ago when I said no that I meant yes Mrs rer would make a wonderful mother and Mr rer oh he would too oh would you describe them as trustworthy responsible members of the community uh would you like a cup of tea there trustworthy responsible well uh yes yes I would uh yes yes yes indeed yes yes one yes is sufficient and how long have you known them oh uh uh well it's at least uh uh are you sure you wouldn't like a cup of tea now George now just remember we must make a good impression on him so whatever you do don't act natural right you are no if he asks any questions George let me answer them right yeah I suppose so right Mrs rer good afternoon I'm from the adoption Society yes please come in thank you uh New Hall carpet W please go in thank you it uh uh we actually couldn't make out your name on the form we thought it might be a Smith or Butterfield cha oh I knew it was something like that uh this is my husband George Mr rer good afternoon how you doing marvelous weather for the time of year isn't it I think my wife better answer that question please sit down thank you would you care for a Sherry uh it's it's very kind but uh no no would you like a cup of tea no no um I should explain that we have a very careful selection procedure well quite right we don't want any old rubbish we select the prospective parents uh which brings me to the form you filled in Mrs rer oh you'll give your age as um 35 yes yes purely a formality of course but we shall require a sight of your birth certificate oh I'm afraid that was destroyed in the Blitz in 1940 um you weren't born in 1940 uh oh yes yes I was no uh what I actually meant was that I was 35 and um a few months how many months uh about you know I big up on about a 100 so that would really be um 43 and a few months years do either of you have any experience with small children oh yeah I was surrounded by them for years really yeah when I was at school he means recently George uh there is the little boy next door uh we often babysit for them well once that would be um the four miles Mr four mil says he's only known you and your husband for five weeks oh really it seems much longer that's what he said yes well um I must say that taking into account everything that you've said I think I must say that I I I would like a cup of tea I'm awfully sorry but as I said with your age lack of experience well there you go worth a try e qu waste of a cup of tea but that's life yes well um goodbye yeah right well goodbye you're not upset are you milky no yes you are well no I'm not George well you look upset oh leave it George well look at it this way it's not too late to have one of our own what well I mean you're only 35 and and don't do that it was it was a joke I thought it cheer you up oh leave me alone yeah all right I'll I'll leave you alone um I'll just um go down to the pub I'll see you later D you upstairs ah um how you feeling oh I'm all right George I could see you were upset you know yeah well I was a bit disappointed you know that's all yeah I I thought as much um so uh I bought you this mild but it's it's not the same I know but you've always wanted one and you can cuddle it oh George and uh oh he's lovely it's all yours yes oh uh you'll need this he's just done a whoopsie on your new H carpet [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] oh [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] B [Music] [Music] one and we commit his body to the ground Earth to Earth ashes to ashes dust to dust and we besch th INF to live in and love [Laughter] you pee in the grave milry yes I know George don't go and get it and to die in thy favor that when the Judgment shall come we may be found acceptable in thy side a very upsetting experience that was mild gone but not forgotten well your uncle Nathaniel lived a long life George I'm talking about me 50p what were you sobbing about you all knew him well I enjoy a good cry George weddings christenings onions do you like a sandwich mid oh no thank you love oh what a lovely service thank you I think he'd have enjoyed it if he'd been there and how are you George all right oh yeah I've never felt better Kate do you know those were his very last words oh yeah I must say his widow's taken it very well oh yeah IO fed if you was to ask my opinion I'd say that she finished him off she was too demanding physically if you know what I'm oh I do I do oh it's it's like trying to run one up bath after another there's only so much water in the tank exactly don't you worry George you're going to live to be a 100 did you ever hear of anybody else who got a mattress replaced under a 12 Monon guarantee poor devil do you know towards the end he could hardly hold his pension book steady yeah well he was a lot older than she was he was towards the end oh I think your choice of hymns was so tasteful love oh I'm sorry about George's tummy rumbling oh it was him was it it was our to tell with the echo in the church yes I know oh and the coffin beautiful I mean that lovely wood mahogany I'm thinking of having the dining room done out in it with brass wall lights oh yes like the handles oh they went together beautifully mind you so they should have done it was a very expensive funeral oh well it's a cost of living dear well so to speak I insisted on him being fully covered of course oh yeah well I I think you're very wise yes take my tip make sure your husband's properly insured otherwise well it can quite ruin the occasion yes yes I see what you mean oh yeah it's going well ain't it I know this isn't quite the time Kate but Nathaniel's best suit the gray one is it spoken for I mean I I'm about his size aren't I no it isn't why not pop around later tonight and try on the trousers oh right hey yeah I don't like tragic occasions funerals and weddings and that yeah I think I changed me shirt George are you fully insured what it's not dangerous is it I mean supposing you got run over by a bus well while I'm changing me shirt oh anytime oh yeah well I have got a small endowment yes yes it's h it's N9 p a week I'll get 54 quid when it matures Oh we must try not to let it change our way of life well I got my answer I make it £145 1/2 P what do you make it um 2 km oh oh somewhere one of us has gone just a little bit wrong yes we're answering different questions I'm not sure you should be helping him at all am if anything it's my job but you getting them wrong yes if if I got them all right they'd might have been helping you what's the next one uh find the lowest common denominator oh haven't they found that yet they were looking for that when I was at school I'd rather go and play I'd rather go and play your mother would rather go and play we'd all rather go and play then why are we sit here doing homework because I want you to go on Prep School followed by public school and then Oxbridge postgraduate studies a doctorate get married have a child of your own and start the whole rotten treadmill all over again and the first step towards these glittering prizes is to find the lowest common denominator now get on with it what's a school report do you next week ah good looking forward to that yes we all are do you realize George our whole lives are in this box oh there's your birth certificate oh there goes one Theory it's got your father's name on [Laughter] it and here's our marriage license George oh check and see if it's expired oh yeah you like that wouldn't you oh look George your old passport oh you have changed what's that on your head oh it's hair I forgot about that oh now special peculiarities small wart on the I've never seen that oh no neither of I it's awkwardly placed isn't it had to take me Mother's word for it oh I must have a look what you raging in that old thing for anyway trying to find new insurance policy oh here we are the patan district benevolence Society I see George you haven't paid any premium since 1952 ah well no uh yeah I can explain that give him a minute I I was out when he called mil you could drop dead and I wouldn't get a penny well no but it's me that people are going to sneer at when they cart you off in a plywood coffin with matat te written on the side of it you're selfish George well I don't plan to die for years mild selfish now first thing in the morning I'm going to inquire about the cost of a proper funeral and you are going to get yourself insured for that amount Well it can't be all that much fun oh yes it can I mean there's the cost of a headstone there's the flowers the cars the champagne party afterwards the band oh good morning Madam may I be of service H yes I was oh uh I'm inquiring about the cost of a funeral you've come to the right place is it for a loved one no it's for my husband a sad time for you may I offer my condolences ah I've got the beans mild this is him your husband yes oh but he's still alive Madam that is a matter of opinion yes but perhaps we could go through into the inner office it's quieter in there it can't be [Music] pray be seated yes now um let me see if I've got this straight you are the deceased to be yeah it's morid that's what it is M George we're only window shopping I wasn't thinking of spending too much quite to start with a clet this is a very popular model the executive Mark 2 padded and lined with silk for Comfort oh yeah very nice I have one out the b if you'd care to try it no I wouldn't what I really want to know is how much is it going to cost me I mean everything oh well it varies for instance cars will there be many more no oh I shouldn't think so no no Charming let me tell you me there' be all sorts of people only too happy to turn up for my funeral yes absolutely yes yeah well there you are then see no I want nothing but the best oh wise very wise there is of course this this is a oneoff made by Craftsman genuine Oak with goldplated handles oh I was saving it for myself you never get inside it £600 oh yeah well that is a little stiff isn't it yeah little yeah well no see what I was what I was thinking was um haven't you got anything you know sort of uh Second Hand no so what is the cost of an average run-of-the-mill funeral for an average run-of-the-mill dead husband £200 love and that's with half the m is going by bus shocking Mildred but why do you ask is Mr rer feeling a bit off color oh no Lis as use yourself coughing wheezing moaning no I just think a husband ought to be insured and a wife life he might see you off oh No Love No no I've made up my mind he's going first but um didn't you once tell me that Mr for mile handles this sort of thing Insurance well he does a bit it's mainly houses mortgage covers that sort of thing oh do you think he could cover George what I should think so he hasn't got uh dry rot in his foundations has he agreed one can take out a policy just to cover the burial costs but um well let's imagine for a moment that he's dead oh yes L uh who is paying the mortgage food travel clothes who's paying well it doesn't bother me I'm dead I think you should take out a policy which will ensure him for as full value to you as a husband as little as that I would suggest this policy here £20,000 on his demise £5,000 for the loss of a leg arm eye etc etc oh they actually list of various parts and what they're worth oh oh one or two Bargains here George you're uh you're on a commission for this aren't you be quiet George you're dead that would be ideal Mr Four Mile good well you have to have a medical first of course I'll uh I'll just take down a few details name we know address yes uh height that' be about 4' 6 5' 10 sorry if you want special peculiarities he's got a no I'm perfectly capable of filling in a form by myself should I so wish which I do not George [Music] [Applause] [Music] nope now I don't like medical examinations Mild they get very personal sometimes telling you the coffin that George it stands to reason I'm not going to ensure you if you're falling apart so try not to show it oh me they stick their cold wash name up your wash names it's not a lot of fun George you are only going for a simple checkup I mean it's not a transplant unfortunately well last time I went to see a doctor do you know what he did he hit me in the knee with a hammer you probably said something to annoy him George no you've got plenty of time your appointment isn't until 11: and you are going to see a doctor white have I uh have I got to take everything off if you wouldn't mind oh [Music] yeah so that's uh that's it you see um I I do I I I do mind cuz um but if I take everything off I lose me dignity and you feel dignified looking like that yeah well that no but uh everything off I cannot examine you through your wlly best oh yeah right he it's uh it's funny your name being uh and you being I'll take everything off and lie down on the couch please do you smoke Mr Opa uh no thank you not just now oh uh yeah I I see what you mean uh yeah about uh about five a day five three or four times a day oh so that's 20 uh yes yes you could put it like that right I'm ready good I uh I like you to know that uh I had a lot of sympathy with you people over the crash helmet [Laughter] business one one of your lot you know open a restaurant near us the uh the karmas Sutra takeaway really yeah have you ever read it I don't go around reading restaurants well no no no no it's it's a book as well well you see it's a bit naughty all those various positions oh I remember no could you assume position 43 turn over please turn oh uh turn over yeah when when I hear from the insurance people in a day or two breathing please you got good sense of Rhythm you people you're too kind Mr rer it is Mr oper isn't it yeah oh yeah yeah oh good because you all look the same to me oh Tristram this is not a very good report spelling poor I was top of the class in rn rn really just knowledge spelling poor I know was fastest at running H well that might come in handy and look what your geography teacher says lives in a world of his own oh dear she puts that on everybody's report she thinks it's funny well I'll show this to your father when he's in a good mood and and where the devil is everybody which is not now man ah look at this a par parking ticket £6 for parking outside the Magistrate's court what were you doing there paying the parking ticket I got last week has uh has trist school report arrived yet uh no no definitely not pity might have put me in a better mood oh uh George there's a letter here addressed to you came this morning oh yeah it says that you you've passed your medical and the uh the insurance company will accept your policy on payment of the first premium isn't that marvelous yeah have you opened this letter mil what makes you think that George well little things the fact that is open and you know what's in it it's Mark private and confidential down here well I'm not going to tell anyone well you just told me it's addressed to you George you're entitled to know now look I've made out this check all you've got to do is to sign it and I'll poppy in next door yeah well I didn't know sign it six quid hav they got nothing better to do than go around persecuting guilty motorists Excuse me yes what is it now oh I'm I'm I'm sorry Mrs rer do come in oh thank you I brought George's Trek round for his first premium oh he passed his medical then yes he did amazing yeah oh I'd never forgiven myself if he'd popped off in the middle of the night before I given you that oh right I'll um I'll make out a receipt and then if he does pop off you'll be a rich woman [Music] [Music] yes 20,000 000 what nothing nothing George no [Music] oh what are you looking at me like that for oh nothing George I was just uh thinking about how much you're worth or uh rather you will be what put that in your mind oh I was reading this advert GE about around the world Cruise well we can't afford it we can't no I've seen an expression like that on a vulture at the zoo don't be so silly George it's just it's just that if you did go well a a cruise would help Cushing the grief I think I'll keep it why don't you over over me Ed eh I don't know GE oh what a nasty cough the wrong way that's all oh well now look George this tourist class is under £5,000 and that's only a leg I mean if you threw in an arm we could stop off at madira for a month do not findy this conversation at all amusing M George there's no harm in sending off for the details Over My Dead Body I've been thinking about this parking business and well enough is enough I should buy a folding bicycle and keep it in my poop would I give you a LM are you in a good mood uh yes then I'll read you this school report ah so we have got it have we yes maass must try harder history doesn't pay attention English his handwriting has improved revealing his inability to spell and the rest are worse bottom of the class oh trist that report is well it's very disappointing it's not mine Daddy what it's yours I don't have your FS it's you when you were seven but I I this is anywhere near as bad Cofe oh it's a good book is it no it's not it's about this woman who finished off six husbands by putting poison in their food oh I must read it no no I'm I'm taking you back to the library uh door George go BL [Music] me ah morning um about your insurance Mr rer I think you made a slight mistake on the check I noticed the date instead of writing the 9th of the 976 you've written the 7th of 699 oh I don't think the company would be prepared to wait that long before cashing it no well we can soon put that straight oh good we'll forget the old thing oh you it hey it was uh it was him next door M I've just torn up the check on the first premium M it you what told him to forget the old thing George does that mean you're not insured anymore nope don't drink that coffee why not well because I haven't put any sugar in it [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] Jo [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] B [Music] just look at this lot and look at it or my paper clip are link together look what am I supposed to do with this lot I don't know throw a bucket of water over them it's Chum isn't it what was he doing in my study in the first place I think he was teaching the Roper's dog to type I have told you I don't want him using my typewriter I want him to learn proper handwriting that's asking a bit much of a dog isn't it where is he Tristram I mean he's outside talking to Mr rer well I wish he wouldn't 5 minutes of rer can undo a whole year of Janet and John oh he's got that heap of rubbish outside again his car that is not a car cars move his has got Moss on the tires it lows the whole tone of the neighborhood out away you stupid careta oh I got too you go on grinning like that your L would have a few more when your come out do you put them on your pillow no I don't I'll put them in a glass of water cos Mar daddy says the Tooth Fairy will leave five and A2 P for it 5 and 1/2 P including the a mommy want you Mr rer when I tinker with my car I do it in my garage now why don't you well your car's always in there not my garage yours oh oh yeah yeah well I can't see it's full of junk I say do us a favor will you see if the fuel pipe's clear what no no I'm sure yes George will be delighted yeah no no problem at all love no fell all over oh that would be lovely Ethel yes will we see you on Friday Ethel yeah yeah bye-bye Ethel who was that the queen mother that was your sister wasn't it Ethel yeah Madam money bags her with the furline drawers oh George don't be so coarse yeah well I don't like her mild hey come on get off out B George don't B yeah or husband him and his goldplated truss I can't stand them you're just going to have to George because they're spending next weekend with us Over My Dead Body if necessary yes I'm not having it mild you don't expect me to put on ears and Graces sleep with me teeth in no George we stayed with them last year yeah I remember yeah so do I you pushed their barbecue into their swimming pool yeah well it was on fire it was supposed to be anyway George it's our turn and I want them to come yeah all right well let's get it over with then oh good I told Ethel you'd be delighted yeah oh by the way did you get the car going what oh no I need some new parts yes but did you get the car going the plaques are wonky and the dipsticks rusted solid yes now M do you think a tradeing would be a good idea oh I think it would be a marvelous idea George but who'd have you sorry Squire there's just no call these days for Freewheel wrecks well it runs ever so smoothly I mean I had no trouble pushing it here and I had the handbrake on sorry s I'm definitely not interested oh oh yeah well right hey no hang on don't be Hy I come through into the office you might be able to talk me into it hey sit down oh oh yeah right now what I am prepared to do is uh no I'll be cutting me own throat oh that's all right go on well what I was thinking was that I no I'd be losing money oh I don't mind what was it well you see I could uh no i' I've got a wife from family please what is it all right I'll take it off your hands for No Charge how's that oh yeah no no oh can't I trade it in for something a trade in I know that's different um how about a cigarette well I was thinking more of a car now look at this look I've got a lovely little Runner here only have one careful owner with a front half as anyway look now look at the tires look H now they are very very good tires very experienced tires yeah I was thinking of something a bit smaller a smaller car no smaller price um about 50 Quid oh no I haven't got a car for that price well not a whole car oh right well I'll try down the road then hey hang on let me ask you something have you fixed up your roles yet no it's with ear day for the weekend you know and they would stay longer but uh her mink coat gets homesick not short of a few Bob then oh no well I mean he's in the meat trade the awful King a rockshot oh nice yes and and they finally moved that clapped out heap of ah Mrs rope uh I I I I see your car's gone uh yes for good and I'm as delighted as you are love believe me oh you can't be I mean uh should we have a Sherry yes lovely actually it wasn't I saw he's trading it in oh what's he getting instead all than oh look at that smashy yep you got a real bargain there oh my God it's worse than the car he's not leaving it there is he oh no no love no oh good lord no no excuse me he is you know it'll stay there forever rotting and rusting decent people leave the neighborhood Riff Raff will move in perhaps you can count tenants you look quite Handsome when you're panicking no no no no I should bring this up at the next meeting of the residents associate do I really it's an ice saw George and what do we want with a caravan holidays mild go the open row Countryside Hills valleys Towing it behind Towing it behind what George we haven't got a car well we can oh you're right I traded it in Still Still we can always rent a car we could have rented a caravan what for we got one oh honestly George I think you must be going soft in the head as well now look here mild that was a bargain trading in the car and only 20 quid 20 yeah well mainly cuz the axle's cracked that's not the only thing no you're right the sink's cracked as well oh they saw you coming George now you get rid of it before my sister arrives no it is old and it is ugly yes so's your sister is St daddy daddy look my tooth's come out oh yes very nice if you give me 10 PE you can have instead of the too fairy uh no no thank you there's some blood would you like to see it not just now oh he you uh you said you wanted to see me about something important oh it's oh uh trist's tooth come out oh it's not very important it is to me look go and play show your tooth to Action Man H I do come in there's someone I'd like you to meet uh um let me introduce you to uh Mr and Mrs moram and this is Miss Wise hi yeah I like your short fat airy legs beg your pardon this this is Mr rer from 46 he has a sense of humor quite uh Mr rer we four are the committee of the residents Association I don't want to join oh good and we have just passed a motion on your [Laughter] Caravan you did what agreeing to make you an offer for it oh oh I see yeah here we are team biscuits well what exactly are you offering me oh well there custard creams or Ginger hi oh oh yeah t thanks very much I mean uh what sort of offer well Mrs morgam thought that before offering you money we should appeal to your community Spirit waste of time I said it was a waste of time we should offer you money a all right 21 22 22 oh you're back oh yes George look what I've bought look I saw next stray of my bowels once look like that George you have no appreciation of the fin of things what's it doing well you see the oil in it you know when it gets warm it um it rises gracefully to the top oh and then what happens well then it it cools again and uh sinks gracefully to the bottom again then what well then it rise oh shut up where did you get all that money hey oh they uh they bought the Caravan off me the residents was name yeah well they said it's bought the view seeing they're going to get rid of it I made a profit mild five quck oh George I could make a living out of this I think I'll get an old boat [Applause] [Music] next [Music] this is a nice neighborhood George and I want it to stay neat and tidy oh yeah I'll vacuum clean the roof if you like what's the point of having a front Gard if you can't dump things in it oh they're here oh George now you take her that's it now remember best behavior George don't click your teeth and don't hum while we're talking here we go you have my full permission to bite a pair of them hey and don't wag your tail I want no sign of a welcome lovely a leave the suitcases in the Hall that's it come on in love oh what a sweet little room yes well um George uh Ethel and Humphrey are here say hello hello hrey that's it oh sorry e h well uh should we sit down Humphrey over there oh that's it by uh my new lamp yes well we had a terrible would you like to take my new coat dear oh thank you well I think I'll uh hang this in the kitchen oh you've got a little dog well there's a touch of Yorkshire Terrier there if I'm not mistaken it's all Yorkshire Terrier you're very very very fond of dogs is e she's a well uh now what about a little apparative before dinner uh George you what a drink oh yeah Brown owl's all around is it no no George Sherry well no isn't this nice how's everything in oot oh lovely Humphrey's just had electronic Gates put on the drive they open to the sound of my voice haven't seen him shut yet a joke dear Tommy mild is is that some sort of Caravan out there on your little lawn oh yes oh of course it's not ours no it belongs to one of the neighbors oh we've asked them to move it don't harm George there it's a good Sherry this yeah cheap too and if you want any soda just say yes well makes a change from Spanish I suppose what do you think it's Brave of you supporting the developing country countes yes well that would be fine if you can do it thank you bye ah they're uh they're going to try and move it this weekend oh good go on saying I was saying that Joan and Brian and Roger and Alis they all got 10 P from the to Fairy Oh 10 p uh yes well um some tooth fairies don't have crippling mortgages to pay Fair don't pay mortgages of course they do they have to have a gnome of their own yes well with that shaft of whip from your mother I think it's time you're in bed I'm taking my water pistol what for well if she only leave me find a half P I'm going to squirter there we are then what a lovely little meal dear thank you so nice to get back to simple homely cooking oh you're so uh shall we all uh move through to the lounge you um think of it as two rooms do you it is two rooms dear it's just separated by the wall which isn't here George stop humming I wasn't humming no you were going to move through that's it now um Humphrey here father lamp that's it and uh Ethel deare you sit there that's it the light's a bit Kinder for you there dear would uh would you like a rug for your knees thank you oh just a thought now um you sit there and drink your coffee and I'll go and make up the bed you mustn't miss your beauty sleep you're in our spare room all right well I say you did you ever get the barbecue out your swimming pool sure uh would you like to come and give me a hand here excuse us will you well they do their best I suppose yeah that's all will you change places with me this lamp's making me feel sick I must say you and your sister seem to be getting all very well together oh you fool I mean she said she liked your mushroom soup she knew down well it was asparagus was it now don't you start give me that pillow I'll tell you what they're not going to have a very comfortable night in this single bed well they're not going to sleep here George no they're sleeping in our bedroom what for well because I'm not having a sneering at this one where are we supposed to oh no no no no yes Geor no I mean we'll be squashed up against each other yes George I mean why did we have to come Ethel what are we doing here anyway drinking Mor Rock and Sherry and eating o Loops I enjoy my sister's company why you're always sliping the knife in exactly oh I see what you mean about this lamb I don't think it would be right mild I mean it wouldn't be comfortable we'll be touching each other all the way down it is legal George I mean we are married yeah I know it's it's your nylon nighty it gives me electric shocks I'll take it off no uh I'll tell you what I I'll keep on the C you will not I'm not having my sister think we have got no room for guests I tell about the Caravan I'll sleep in the Caravan I'll sneak out there after they gone to bed [Laughter] George Ro Governor anything you want to rescue from inside oh no no no just uh take it away and uh thanks right Che daddy daddy H there's a note under my pillow I owe you 10 p i the too fairy yes well uh he didn't have any changes he I think I've listened another one this is going to be a very expensive business [Laughter] George good morning oh Mr for oh good morning where are they taking that Caravan the breaker's yard they're going to crush it George is asleep in there [Applause] I don't remember the name of the firm but I do know it was in cresant Avenue cresant Avenue I can't find it no no um we'll try uh cresant Road cresant Road yes no no no no it was Avenue what cresant Avenue no I new presentes come on get out of the way hey o what have you done in my house what be old R over there when I went to sleep oh yeah yeah right you're not fooling me you know that's not my front lawn out there no no look you've not met a hospital down the road certainly not do I look like a doctor well no yeah can I use your phone oh yes sir you do that get them to come and pick you up yeah and bring some trousers and a jacket especially the jacket hey there's nobody in the kitchen either you mean they've both gone out yeah they left us breakfast though I don't know hello oh I've been towed away while I was asleep pardon we ought to fall that stupid sister of yours you Mildred hi Oh e morning it's uh it's Georgia is is mild about no she isn't perhaps she's been towed away as [Applause] well there it is he can't still be in there can he he's a very heavy [Applause] s [Applause] sh surely uh surely that would have woken him George get mil oh Geor you should have been in that [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] Caravan [Music] e [Music] oh there there there did you have to spend that night all alone in your little basket never mind here tonight you should sleep in our bed and if Uncle George doesn't like it Uncle George can sleep in the basket [Music] oh go on kill that not now M stop it oh go get off oh she likes you George God knows why but she does it's anic m i could get our pad or something oh that ridiculous come on truffles you leave them alone yeah come on truffles a name that you should have called her Fang or Satan I was thinking of calling her Rags after my wardrobe I don't like coming in our bedroom mild why not well I mean I might have been in the mood to uh know you and me and well I couldn't good out with a dog on the bed I'll take her straight down yeah hang on I didn't say I was in the mood I said if I wasn't I'm not seiz him Hey where's my tea and toast the toast is in the bread bin George the teas and the caddy oh I see come on then truffles big can't I have some of yours well of course you can if you like George beg and I thought after breakfast we might go to the park oh what a good idea R well thank you Jeffrey and what do you think tristam oh yes Mommy good well that's what we'll do then you're you're a wonderful M man well thank you Jeffrey why are you talking to yourself just to make sure I haven't gone deaf oh I know you're both there I can see your knuckles very well if you want to chat we'll chat Tristan put your comic down your mother wants to chat off you go an um well um I'm anything interesting in the paper I don't know I'm not reading it I'm chatting can I have it call no is do Mrs rope has also got a bald-headed Looney with a ginger mustache do you want one of them we had this all day yesterday can I have a dog can I have a dog said I could when I was older so I'm older now you've already got a goldfish you can't throw sticks for a goldfish well you can but it won't bring him back is it my fault if he hasn't trained it properly oh why could you bring me some breakfast in bed I wasn't in the mood George you know how it is I mean sometimes one just isn't in the mood isn't that right I see TI for Tat is it I've got a sing for me supper have I it's breakfast George and singing isn't involved i' get better treatment if I had a cold nose and dropped hairs all over the place you have and you do the assh that thing I only have a chance to read the newspaper when it's whisked away from me and spread on the floor I have to do the cross word on me hands and knees well George she's got to be house trained she is house trained she does it all over the house now look you reminded her what look she's got that that sort of look in her eye you take her out to the Garden George quickly all Tristan wants is a dog you might like it it might bite Mr rer ah no no you can't temp me do you know knows how much a pedigree dog would cost it doesn't have to have a pedigree as long as it woofs at one end and Wags at the other no no I'm sorry you could teach it to snar at Michael foot when he comes on the television no no no I have no intention good God look at that and in my back G enough is enough look she got to the paper before I did mild look at this oh stop moany yeah a you's been having to go at my armchair look at them teeth marks some of those are yours George that was when England was beaten by Scotland did you manage to get out into the Garden in time yeah just about oh good yeah when's she going to learn we're leaping up every 5 minutes to shove on the grass and half the time it's a false alarm oh but George she's so little you see I mean it's difficult to tell whether she's just sitting down or the other uh did you have any breakfast well yeah had a cup of tea and some of them little hard biscuits oh look at this it's useless mil look look at this half a photo Percy thrower showing Margaret Thatcher's prize something or other we'll never know what it was well it'll be on the news tonight well judging by the expression on her face it might not and if that's the dog tell her to come in the back way shut up oh good morning Mr F I thought she was in the back Garden she was my back Garden yours burrowed under the fence if you ask me there's a touch of mole about that dog you dug up half my mar girl so sorry look why don't you come in and talk to George I mean after all he is the head of the household sometimes uh George Mr for mile has a little complaint she's bitten the head off my daas why'd you do there not me your dog Trifles Trifles dug a hole in my lawn as well oh what a shame she's fun to bearing things I only just rescu me teeth in time yesterday oh I'm so sorry but I'm sure George will play for any damages oh yeah yeah I mean can can me money compensate for for beauty of a gardening Bloom I mean can cash be put against the loveliness of Mother Nature in all her glory yes it can about 15 I'll send you the bill typical that is bloody FIS now you've upset Mr for mile me it's that mobile dish mop of yours oh don't I mean look at her that wistful gleam in her eye with just a a twinkle of scampish yeah well I a good mind to take her out and lose her twinkle and all it wouldn't be worth the hospital bills George hey but since you volunteered you can take her out I'll clean her up and then we'll go for walking is twice around the park now I'm not here mild I'm not in [Laughter] E here they are tles you're likeing here better than the park he morning can have a pint of brown ale when you're ready and a packet of cheese and onion crisps oh dog just drank some of my beer oh uh sorry top that out will you I'm not thinking that oh no uh well another pint of that I'll put her on the floor yeah that's a nice pupp isn't it I hate dogs my wife left me because of dogs oh yeah used to lose all the housekeeping money on them that's one reason why I don't like dogs and another reason why I don't like dogs is because what your dogs just done on my [Laughter] boot I'll I'll tie up outside I'm sorry about that that was naughty it and and where's trist in the kitchen why I've got him something something he really wants oh Jeffrey you've actually got him well yes sort of I mean it Wags at one end and woofs at the other runs on batteries look Tris close your eyes I've got a surprise for you I kick and close right you can open them now oh watch this at that Daddy bought it especially for you watch this it's not real no but it it doesn't make a mess or malt or dig up Gardens it's better than a real dog isn't it well it's uh it's different wa you like it don't you oh yes it's sort of almost what I wanted well nearly almost sort of it's nice and here is it friendly he um who you think a WI 330 then knock it off knock it off oh yeah who's riding it this is a gray standard gray ounds don't have Riders oh you live and learn don't you a nice do ground at least you don't drink your beer and PID on your booth oh you didn't do it on purpose I mean she wouldn't have picked on you if there' been a tree Andy but there wasn't not in here they do say that uh pet owners get to look like the pets they own yeah I've heard that yeah do you buy any chance own a ferret no amazing yeah yeah did you insult me Justin yeah I did H yeah well you probably didn't mean to yeah well I'll be off then sir next time he wants to watch it that young fell that's all oh my God you murder me come on girl where are [Music] you [Applause] [Music] it's quite a nice toy dog Mildred but it's not the same I mean if Jeffrey came home and found a a toy wife in bed he'd soon object H George wouldn't it's just he's not very sensitive in certain areas yeah same as George he means well but he's forgotten what it's like to be little with Geor would you like another another cup of tea dear yes please yeah what does Mr Rober think of your dog oh he thinks a world of it oh he'd be lost without her tles here you go come on where are you oh excuse me have you seen a was name a what my wife would killed me I tied her up and she got away what your wife no no no yor should do D what's name terer ah yeah little thing pointy ears little Airy body that's it no I you want want to try to park God come on girl where are yeah t tough t com truffles truffles where are you tles come on now come on where are you tles truffles oh well I'm looking for truffles you won't find any growing in there that that way come on come on go come on girl TR TR where are you TR come on now are you in here oh dear she come come on girl where are you now tles tles here how go yeah looking for sorry madam sorry about that I've registered her with the Kennel Club of course oh look there's her full name truffles de borbon Fitz William II quite a pedigree mil if she could talk she certainly wouldn't talk to any of us you're right this one well here we are home again truffles but no no no no you can't come in here no ST there a good girl St I'm training her mild obedience well don't leave her out there George bring her in hey well bring her in bring her in yeah I'll bring her in ah she's gone upstairs There She Goes upstairs yeah she's uh gone to clean her teeth or something that's some training program well leave the door open George and then she'll come in when she wants to that's it do you want a cup of tea oh yeah yeah are you uh you're going to let her have puppies mild oh yes I want her to have everything that I have missed M you you you know know this morning when I you know when when I I said that I went out and take her out and lose her I I didn't mean it of course you didn't mean it Joel no I mean if I was if I was the loser or or or something I mean well I wouldn't do it deliberately uh it would be accidental of course George and then I'd accidentally strangle you I think I'll take her out for another walk you're right Mildred he does like her yes yes yes sir I see sir yes could you yes sir well could you describe the symptoms I see floating upside down in the water and it sounds rather serious I'm afraid sir especially for a Budgy girl well perhaps a drop of Brandon might help oh you've already had some I see but all I can suggest is that's right sir why don't you telephone the vet oh good afternoon sir hello uh I'm looking for Yorkshire what's her name pudding no Terrier you know a sort of dog oh a dog I'm glad you mentioned that otherwise I might have try and sell you a York to tell your cat step this way sir are you sure you wouldn't rather have a ferret sir no I would not rather have a feret just over here so the last there you are probably pure York probably yeah probably you see each grandmother got out the gate when she come back well she looked too pleased with herself see yeah well she uh looks similar would you say it had a whiskful look in its eye with a twinkle of scampish well yes but not as much as a ferret yeah all right I'll take it she never know the difference shall I wrap it up for you sir oh yeah [Music] I good afternoon Madam I believe this is your dog truffles where did you find find her in the vicinity of the park Madam she was brought to my attention by a pavement artist just had half his man ofer washed off oh you naughty girl wasn't there a man with her my husband no apparently not Madam but if we come across him he'll return him as well as long as he's got his identity dis gone thank you you know I I just don't understand this I mean she was here only 20 minutes ago well at least I thought she I [Applause] see Jeffrey Jeffrey it's Mr rer uh yeah I uh I I brought the dog round to show it to you before I'll show it to mild there she is I've already seen her she dug up my garden this morning hi oh good yeah yeah that's tles it's um a similar face isn't it to what well to the one she had this morning when she rooted among the mar Golds Mr rer you are exacerbating the situation yeah always was nice you you to say so now look here Jeffrey Jeffrey what's your blood pressure yes yes got high blood pressure have you yes he's only had it for about 3 months a that's about when we moved in yes you are you want to take it easy son relax you know do a bit of gardening well I mean using a bit of a mess out there is it and yeah well I'll be off then you uh you did recognize her then uh yes yes well done and how do you feel about immigrating there there there do the nasty man lose you then never mind when the nasty man comes back home you can bury him in the garden come on in you go have your dings there you go m home with travles here she is George yeah safely home I mean I didn't lose her or anything there she looks exactly the same do she well I mean if she doesn't well that's probably cuz she's a bit older than she was when you last Saw yes of course George I see um do you think by any chance she just looks a little bit uh bigger no oh uh well there was a shower rain in the park and uh they swell you know um she seems to have lost her identity disc um what oh um oh yes it got bitten off by a duck no no George Ducks don't eat metal no you're thinking of ostriches yeah ostriches yeah that's it yeah no no no not not in a park George there is uh some other small change that I seem to have noticed well truffles was a girl when you took her out now she's a boy TR you have spot a thing like that oh well I mean you you you heard read about people changing sex you know in the Sunday papers yeah well I mean why not a dog I mean dogs can easily get snap we are then wake up Uncle George yes a nice little cold nose and each ear there we go wakey [Music] wakey no not again not two of them get off I'm sick of your stupid truffles this is not truffles George it's Snuffles or or waffles or something I haven't made up in mind well we can't keep both of them it double the paper Bill oh you're absolutely right George you up well we've got a dog and a here of course we can't keep both of them I mean when they get older they'll uh well you know what they'll do no no you wouldn't oh that yeah I a thought of that no you never do yeah I'll take her back to pet shot scruffles or piples or whatever no George I've got a much better idea oh thank you you mean he's mine I can keep him Yes dear what about babdy ah well we may have to get rid of him but you can keep the dog you're sure an yes M just look at his face TR ah lead this to me Jeffrey Jeffrey you're not going to like this but I'm about to talk you into letting Tristram have a dog no need to an I've already got [Applause] [Music] it [Music] [Applause] [Music] okay H 7 years old Mildred Seems Like Only Yesterday was a 5 minute contraction oh well the years seem to fly past when you're over 30 do they really so I'm told oh my kidding y they too likes his cake oh of course he will Co when I was his age I was lucky if I got a biscuit with happy birthday penciled on it and I never got what I asked for what did you ask for oh you know Clark Gable terone power tristram's easy he's after an action man with gripping hands aren't we all mil hey oh excuse me morning mil I can't find me braces they're hanging down the back of your TRS yeah hey oh yeah so they are what a damn silly place to leave them oh mid have You' been using my Razor on your legs certainly not only it's a bit blunt I Nick me throat trust you not to do the job properly I don't see the point in getting tarted up just to go to a pub George I want us to look nice all right all right I'll blano miane we're going to have lunch at that nice little Pub you know on the green the geneveve oh yes Jeffy goes there it's a bit snobby they have draft gin and tonic well it's got to be better than the pubs George likes I mean if the glasses aren't filthy the landlord's queer well I think I better go and see what oh mild keep him busy while I hide the cake all right [Music] mommy oh hello hello I was teaching P to swim and he's gone all soggy a what a sh I'm going to put him in the oven no um not just now look why don't we go and sit down there we are then that's it I hear you're having a party tomorrow yes I'll be S I won't be allowed to get to Mommy's bed anymore oh gee no yes she that's dadan and he's older than I am yes love well you see but oh good I'm afraid he W is Paddington oh not again oh that your hair dra but it went B what yes dear well uh I think I'll leave you to [Laughter] it I'd had quite a few of course staggering a bit but uh perfectly fit to drive yeah got the car keys out all set to drive chap comes up to the window one of the laddies in blue excuse me sir he said I'd rather you didn't drive off oh I said why not because he said you're sitting in my panda C oh joh good same again all around please let me get this one I rather go to the pig and well Mild they have a drag act on a Friday oh we're coming here and look I want to create a good impression so stay in the background look this Mr Four Mile KY oh good God no neighbors just just neighbors excuse me oh Mr for FY seeing you here hello hello and uh all your friends too yes well Peter Peter folks one larger from one small one really George roer perfectly normal in every way this is Ni Joel Charles oh you remember bunny um uh this is Mrs rer and him oh uh thank you oh yeah I'll I'll have a pint of brown ale and she'll have a port and lemon ah yes Sydney here we go then look have a pure oh very kind of you thank you very much rer uh tell me are you buy any chance related to the Oxford rooper no uh you buy any chance related to the folks who live on the ill um I I I thought we might get in there the golf this afternoon oh George golf oh georgees always want to learn golf yeah I don't mind i' have to borrow a club of someone oh members only I'm afraid sorry there is a very good crazy golf in the park they let anyone in what's this stuff uh that is RA ale from the wood good tastes like n water up I'm here what oh oh yeah yeah well that's not fair is it dressing up as a customer the weather what the weather uh are you by any means interested in the weather uh well yes oh good you see because I think when there's weather around well you can do anything can't you I mean you can you can mow Lawns well I can't your husband borrowed my lawn mower three weeks ago ah yeah well that's M you see she said before I'll give it back I to get it repaired repaired oh yeah well you see I ran it over your lawn sprinkler oh I borrowed that as well what a lot of tofy nose lardy Dar Mild they spurn their noses up at me and do you wonder juggling with your pickled onions nobody would talk to me mild I'm not surprised after you told that joke about the nun and the banana out a bit the original version I know what the original version was George I heard you telling the Vicor yeah well he laughed well he didn't understand standard come to that I'm not sure I do oh well there you are you see there was this none yeah thank you very much Geor that is quite enough I don't know why I bother I really don't yeah well next time we go hey he's going up and down like he's on a trampoline George they wouldn't let him read the news on a trampoline he head's going up and down like a basketball it's the aial there's nothing wrong with the aerial no it's the man that put it up he's an idiot I put it up I rest my case well I think one of us should go on the roof and fix it no George I think that I ought to get a man in to do it properly I've been thinking so for some time but it cost money M did I'll do it no you haven't got a ladder that's all right our bar is the next door what time tomorrow will I be seven um let me see you were born at exactly 2:30 you were 4 days late I probably couldn't find my shoes that may have been it dear yes but I ever be very very old like you not if you keep asking questions like that all the people all the decent normal people who might have moved in next door I have to get a pickled onion juggler nuns bananas brown ale oh Mr rer yes I can't stand the man then why did you land in your ladder what I saw him taking of our garage just now without asking right enough is [Applause] enough half there we are all nice and comfy well you may be you hav't sprained your wrist and broken your leg well you will you will clim down ladders that aren't there well it was there when I went up will he live then is it worth chatting to him he's only in for observation he'll be out tomorrow I'll bring Mrs rer in now she's very worried so try and cheer her up oh BL me what about me I know one of these cheering up this is the worst Hospital in the country for broken limbs you know you are well half the surgeons are straight off the banana boat the other half of the ones who weren't good enough to immigrate it's only a simple fracture you'll be lucky if you're not Doon Curry for the rest of your life I mean take me half my natural functions are being performed by bits of plastic really if I was to open my dressing gown you'd faint George love oh how are you oh not so good mil oh this is Mr um Jolly Fred Jolly how'd you do well I'll leave you to chat now while you still can I've just had a word with the doctor Geor he said nothing important has been damaged nothing important no you were lucky your leg broke your fa [Laughter] here's Mr Four Mile George now he is very worried so do your best to cheer him up gosh truth hello there uh how are you feeling yeah well might you ask attempted murder that's what it was I wouldn't have moved the ladder if I'd known you were up there oh Mr Four Mile you mustn't blame yourself ah thank you yes he asked it was his fault and you ruined my aerial uh actually no it was my aial you pulled down but I don't want you feeling badly I'll bloody down excuse me I suppose you do realize that you can suit I don't think he wants to know anything about yes I do go on well I mean there's loss of earnings pain and suffering mental distress you could sue him for every penny he's got can I really have a great [Applause] [Music] oh oh good morning Madam one husband will you accept delivery yes of course uh there we are wipe your foot George that's it P into the lounge you manage you arur he's only a little one all right all right don't rush me now come along George no no no mine the stairs are just vacuum cleaned that's it he hasn't been any trouble has he oh no no no no no well no no trouble mind you he wasn't a lot of help while we were changing the wheels but uh still where do you want him oh in the wheelchair please all right in you go H inside so you seem to find all this highly amusing I am in pain you know pain so am I you on me foot um would you and your friends uh would you like to have a little drink on me yeah don't tip him he's on the national LS very generous of you well fairly generous I'll see myself out all right cool well now George you're all right can't feel love I me is there anything I can do for you oh yeah there is one thing you do mil you know a blo in the next bed to me in hospital yeah yeah well he wrote something on the end of me foot but he wouldn't tell me what it was oh well I can easy see what that is for you I see yeah well the nurses wouldn't tell me what it was either he a sort of limmerick George and not nice was the matron name really Tucker no well then it isn't even true I forbid you to look at it George how can I look at it excuse me oh oh oh oh Mr for mile do do come in please I I saw the ambulance and I thought well a bottle of champagne would cheer up our invalid oh yeah well I'm not sure I should accept that it might Prejudice the case should I decide to sue you for every penny you got George it's just his little joke yes yes a wheelchair all right is it I hired it for you from the wvs they do all sorts wheelchairs bicycles I thought a wheelchair was best at first but uh should you want a bicycle later well yeah yeah might coming Andy for getting to and from the court uh a glass of champagne H oh may I this will soon cheer you up good Lord oh no not for me dear I promised an I'd pop back and you know give her a hand with the kitties oh hey what about me oh don't be silly George you can't help with a leg like that bye right what should we drink to then British Justice uh no no um how about uh oh oh yes the athletic matron Tucker eh what it say that Ryme well didn't you write it how could I write it I'm not a contortionist uh no no she is but you're not is there uh is there anything else I can do for you uh yeah I'd like to see the racing at New Market well that's 60 miles away no no no it's on television 26 in screen in color well it is in your house oh oh oh did you get that up it for your birthday yes I'm supposed to be the low Ranger only I can't get the mask on off of my glasses he had his father dressed as Tonto with a feather duster stuck down the back of his shirt fun and games I was the Rancher's daughter kidnapped we tied her to a tree hands and feet and that's how the Milkman Farm me can you imagine yes I can uh I suppose it's working the Telly I mean oh yes I had the aerial fixed cost me 20 oh yeah well I'll knock it off the damages if I decide to Sue it's on ITV ITV I don't think the second I TV that's it I should mention that my wife and I are planning on having several children oh you carry on I'll watch the Telly in here it's a birthday party for trist oh it's all right they won't bother me so long as they keep quiet oh hello Mr how's the leg broken apart from that I mean oh apart from that it's never been better oh actually leave him man have a balloon as well I'll get it top hatat and raw silk and hello there it's uh it's Brian and Joan isn't it yes this is for trist it cost £150 and I don't like jelly bye Isn't it nice seeing them enjoying themselves Oop There Goes one of your VES don't tell me I don't want to know stop that Roger oh oh so far so good only two Tam drums and one case of wet chares throw of excitement I do hope it wasn't George is he spoiling their fun in there no they're spoiling his I think I'll organize a few party games in a minute oh no you won't Jeffrey I know your party games that's how we got Tristram in the first place I think I'll give a prize to the first one that wants to go home oh Jeffrey they're nice little children now get back in there before they destroy the place no come on I'll go love hold it you need a drink first can't give me a rest withe tell me I'm trying to watch do you mind will I give you old leg back what will you get your old leg back or will I give you a b I've still got me old leg is in there why did you J off the roof I didn't jump off the roof I'm trying to watch the race all right all right come on now we're going to pay game trying to improve on the side oh George you haven't got a party hat on here we are that he's got wor on his book let me see no no now what sort of game should we play Let's play a kissing game no it's my birthday let's play past the parcel oh what a good idea all right then everybody get around the circle come on that's it you can get the parcel for me will love that's it my KNE go Dar that's it there we are there you sit down Matthew Matthew leave the Kung Fu till later dear well I see you're entering into the spirit of things [Music] yeah how long's this going on for will you remember what it was like when you were a child I didn't have parties on my birthday for a treat me dad would use a buckle end of his belt yeah yeah and I'll tell you I'll tell you something here hang on I let go I [Music] no here how about taking me for a pint the most sensible suggestion I've heard today come on hey there I was tooling up the M4 keeping it down to about 80 well it was a bit foggy best to keep on the safe side suddenly hear the Bell see the blue light close behind for right Tallyho down the service road quick you turn up to B1 hello Jeffrey hello Peter sorry about uh yeah perfectly all right well hello again you're not looking too well are you won't be juggling any pickled onions today well now you see mental distress the jewry would take a dim bu that should I decide to sue yes Scot yeah large one ah yes uh two large scotches PNE me was a young matron named Tucker I shouldn't shouldn't bother for that it's a joke oh he yeah hey talking about joke did I ever tell you that if you'll excuse me the Brewer is delivering today oh yeah oh before you go will you get me an ounce of rough shag and papers don't serve that sort of thing here there a toac is at the top of the hill the top of the hill oh yeah right yeah well when we've had a drink then another one you can push me up there right oh come on son get move on you're out condition you are you don't hear me popping and panting right but uh what do you want uh 1 oz of rough shag and some papers I'll give you the money later yes if I remember [Laughter] what [Applause] St the barrels over there Sydney are you all right F two FS what name well you see I I I must say in the first place I do feel in some small way that it was partly my fault well I'll never live it down pranked by a wheelchair well if it'll be of any help I won't let George come into your Pub anymore it'll make me feel better oh good well looking on the bright side I wasn't even scratched how do you do oh hello I suppose you do realize that you could sue him for every penny he got I hadn't thought of that oh my [Music] [Applause] God [Music] B [Music] oh here I see Lady Mount bank has had a nights Bridge flat done over by David David Hicks oh don't worry the police are getting for it where's the pickles decorated George uh oh look at it that lovely washed Chinese carpet on the wall on the walls what he put on the floor oil paintings oh and a completely circular barath not sure I'd like that well you spend hours chasing the soap Yes and you wouldn't know which end of getting hey we got any be coverboard oh and a bedroom look oh little Flur theise all over the ceiling oh well you get those if you leave the window open where'd you get that rubbish from the dentist gave it to me well he he left it in his waiting room for me uh look George now that is how I'd like our Lounge done out what with a BG in the middle the other page oh oh yeah very nice very nice yeah oh plain Magnolia walls those lovely velvet curtains swishing of George George you left me before I finished George you're making a habit of doing that yeah well Wacky Races his on meal drink uh leave it George you can do without Dastardly and mutle for once promises are made to be kept hey and I promis myself you're going to decorate this Lounge now look here mild I intend to enjoy my holiday here I've drawn up a detailed it I've drawn up a I've drawn up a plan what plan well after Wacky Races there's the World of Sport then there's a Woody Woodpecker show George George you cannot watch television for a whole week I mean you'll go blind I thought that was when you no that's television as well I mean what did you used to do before you got it well I used to watch the radio oh now look George this is a color I want look Magnolia wait that's cream it's Magnolia George and I think two coats would do cream it's Magnolia George and two coats will do very nicely what did you say Magnolia you I turn the Telly on now yeah I'll think about it m that's all I'm going to do a blamy the picture's gone now oh George what a shame uh or Ivory Ivy will be nice I just think of it an the Mist clearing off the river 4 miles fancy flicking across the water oh it hardly seems fair someone should go to Scotland and warn the salmon I'm coming I think it's a bit cruel catching fish you never said that before you never caught any what are Tristram and I supposed to do while you're out there flicking your fancy well you going be tying up my flies well I might as well last year I hardly saw you for the whole week wow last year do you remember that one I nearly caught made Moby Dick look like a sardine shall I pack your underpants or are you going native H you know just a kilt and a stiff upper lip oh not like seen the height of the thistles up there yeah there was a sort of low hum a crackle quick flash of Penelope pit stop there nothing I'll give you a couple of kicks in a thump yeah well we've recently introduced even more sophisticated methods than that what old is this thing oh well about 20 years they don't build him the last do they it uh is electric I suppose I mean it's not run on gas or paraffin is it oh no no blimy look who's in here Gilbert Harden here we are did you take sugar well only if it's in tea or something yes Tom well Tom will it live to tell oh it's all those years of Crossroads it's sa the will to survive it's like the government bloody big cabinet and nothing works i' have to take it back to the shop it'll be a week mine oh no oh George we'll have to entertain ourselves in the oldfashioned way not while I'm on holiday M what's wrong with it I don't know might be pregnant it's big enough oh just St George you could be the proud father of a little black and white portable well you don't care do you what am I going to do all next week oh Primrose I mean Primrose would go with a carpet let me see the gas is off the paper cancel the milk ah uh who's watering the plants Mrs rer oh I must give them the key you mean they'll actually be allowed in here while we're away no I thought she could do it with a water pistol through the letter box actually I think he's on holiday too he'll be home all next week I know I know he is why do you think I chose this week to go away oh uh I'll drive the first 100 miles then you take the wheel but you'll still be driving absolutely uh have you entered trist yes good good then we may as well uh yes that's the one with the kitchen sinking yes I believe you oh uh do you think I have to take something to Scotland to bring back my catch no I think they sell jam jars in Scotland check the back door an dny just a second hang on what is it oh my toys want to come with this I've told you Tristan one toy only I can't move my mind up you pick one that one what's wrong with this one all right that one I take this one oh good heavens and how did this lot which one you want to take uh Tristram his toys he wants to bring all his toys well why not you're taking all yours the whole week how would it be if I slipped a fiber in your pocket oh well that's different oh yeah how long would it take then s days oh good but what's different about that oh well I'd be working with a fiber in me pocket then wouldn't I yeah but I mean oh God I'll have to go to bed early every night take as long as you like love oh well I mean we could talk to each other George I could tell you what's been happening over the last 20 years I wish you had on and off switch is he really going to be a week look you can come and visit or send a get well card be like losing a friend I'm going to take it out now no don't look round best you remember it as it was oh come on in love you got time for a Couer not really mild we're rushing a bit oh well give my love to not n monster yes I will he's loading up the car oh uh there's just one more thing Mildred when I water the plants I generally talk to them yeah you're Bary no no no it's when they start talking back you Bary ah I think that's Mor code for something rude I better go you're all right uh say goodbye George yeah B me oh God you must excuse him he's in morning his television sets just died well you're welcome to go in and watch our Mildred oh no no no shh it's the first week I've had him to myself since the opening night of ITV have a good and [Music] you George sorry uh it be starting just now Hudson will be saying come along luk sharp put your money and trusty Saving Bank R For Heaven's Sake George I've sat here the entire evening listening to impersonating Amy Turtle Columbo Frank Spencer and they all sound exactly the same yeah well I miss it mild oh here who's this I don't know only wise on a windy day For Heaven's Sake George stop talking about the television yeah oh sorry I mean let's talk George or or play a game of cards or uh have an early night let's talk or have a game of cards yeah poker now that's a good game all right then as long as you promise not to cheat no you spoil everything you do well I wouldn't mind if you were subtle about it but you bite the corners off the aces all right all right we're talk what do you want to talk about decorating I'm not going to do it right so for that what you pick a subject yeah right um do you think Elsie Tanner will ever get married again oh for God sake George go next door and put on their set watch that one oh yeah I had thought of [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] that [Music] oh uh hello is that um oh uh faral and lions decorators prompt and efficient service estimates free y speaking oh um I'd like a job doing uh my husband can't manage it so I thought I'd try you hang about this could be an obscene phone call it's just that I want my lounge decorating Magnolia and I want it done as soon as possible all right raise you a quid uh well I don't know about that Madam I have got a full house um schedule it's all yours ah however let me just have a look at my diary oh dear oh well we can't let s child's down can we ah you're in luck I've just had a cancellation I can just fit you in this afternoon oh lovely yeah you only had a pair of jacks yeah I know Brown na Brown a yeah hey come on hey get on that's it that's all you think about ain't it food and whittling I have a good mind too oh there a nice dog in it's all settled George the man's coming around to give us an estimate this afternoon Who David X The Decorator and they can start straight away all right well I'll be next door there's cartoons on in color George you spent all week next door we've hard spoken to each other now it's nice isn't it there are bones inside him you know you can go for him if you [Laughter] like and that concludes our project for children next racing from starting with the 1 chest hang on I'll be back in a minute oh we are honored what happened to the set burst into flames no I ran out of beer where do you put it you're like a sponge on legs your lunch is nearly ready hey what is it deviled fish fingers oh I'm not hry besides it's racing n look George I warn you if you aren't here when I put this on the dog's going to get it yeah serves it right excuse me Mr Rober uh yeah that's me ah FAL and liance decorators oh yeah I'm in a hurry there's a race on the box you see but you said you wanted an estimate I do but it's just starting and I got a bet on here a roll up accumulating see six horses all it needs is for this one to win yeah oh and the other five of course yeah lucky George's name is it's a gin oh it seemed an omen the name I mean now then your wife said you want your Lounge down in Magnolia uh cream uh yes cream or Magnolia well now let's see oh it's not a very big job is it hey hey look that's him number seven see on the rails skting boards and AR trades white Glo is that right yeah yeah yeah yeah come on come on you the whip oh I say we could do the lot for oh 35 quid two coats mine hey look he's taking the lead yeah right uh we'll bring our gear in through the back door then sa tramping over your whole carpet oh that's not fair they're passing him okay Dave you the r around the back I'll open the back door look at that it's stupid C off going backwards come on come on you the whip you the whip go BL you see that I enough could have done B than me oh well they want to boil him down for glue oh yeah oh blow me Food Glorious Food where's the bottle opener sit down your L is near already oh yeah but there's racing on sit right now you never had anything like this before George that is a cordon blur dish it should be made with freshly caught River trout but the supermarket had a special offer on a fish fingers well yeah it's up to your usual standard M oh unfortunately what we after oh still to go is I think we're going to have to disturb you a bit oh maybe he's gone to collect his winnings hold on that horse I could beat that with John Rickman on my back well sooner we start sooner we finish yeah oh oh you don't know what you're missing George that dessert is really delicious yeah well I don't like it mild gbury twit fool well no call for that gbury fool yeah well anyway can I go next door and watch the Telly no you cannot I want you to have a word with the decorators I've already had one word about an hour ago they're bringing their stuff around the back well they're taking their time about it where did you see them I oh outside and they came into the uh they came into the oh my god well what George nothing nothing milted I'll see you later well I think they to ask myself a pricey wallpaper like this and they want a plain Magnolia gream well whatever lucky h stop it stop it hey stick his back up again what it's the wrong room which is the wrong house you should be number 46 no no this is 46 look it says it there yeah I know what it says down there oh God you stupid BG oh just a minute Squire stupid oh come on come on oh For Heaven's Sake mild sh George I'm trying to get on to the decorators they don't seem to be there no they're here what yeah well they were but they walked off why well on account of the names I called them well they were very quick to take offense especially when I said I wouldn't pay them what for they haven't done anything yet oh yeah well they have next door well perhaps if we put the furniture back they would notice they'll notice yeah well we could say a burglar done it like on that commercial phone the decorators oh don't think they would come not after what I said about his father right then you're going to have to do it and before the four miles get back me good afternoon lockside hotel in my opinion you're not even trying to enjoy yourself I am Jeffrey it's just that I could have had the same sort of holiday standing in the shower for a week well tristram's enjoying himself tristam trist he probably hiding under the bed again well go and get him it's his holiday as well H there's a call for you it's from abroad London hello uh hello son it's it's uh it's me George George yeah George Rober oh I was uh I was just ringing to uh find out how your holidays going well it's it's going well um isn't it isn't it costing you rather a lot of money to phone and ask me well not really I'm using your phone uh son um that that that that stuff that's on the walls in your Lounge um what's it called uh wallpaper yeah I know I know yeah but what's it called why oh well no it he nice that's all I like it give it to me Jo let me speak to him uh uh Mr for mile uh how's your holiday going it's still going well oh good um about the wallpaper look look look could we discuss this tomorrow when I get back oh no no not not really well I I got in wilsonon the High Street it cost about £650 a roll oh I I say that is expensive well I could afford it then I didn't have such big telephone bills no oh yes of course oh uh goodbye um George Wilson's in the high my road get [Music] [Music] going I don't [Music] [Music] [Applause] have [Music] [Music] s [Music] that's it oh oh it's nice to be home oh don't feel too badly Jeffrey I can always buy a tin of salmon you can my fish if you want Daddy no thank you oh oh oh good morning oh morning um we're in there watering the plants we yes George is in there watering the plants uh did you uh did you have a nice holiday you mean since you found yesterday to ask yes um haven't you got any snapshots um oh oh well you caught a fish George and I have been keeping an eye on the place while you've been away haven't we George uh yeah War s yeah we uh just come into wallpaper the plants plants yeah yeah everything just you left it very kind mommy daddy a wallpaper upside down don't be so s it is oh George yeah I U I I can explain it is upside [Laughter] down I you'll laugh when I tell you no no no you [Applause] w [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] than [Music] B it's I love the I know love the traic is just go inside my love there you go that's it yes oh I hope you don't mind me parking my new bottle green automatic Jaguar xj6 outside only Humphrey gave it to me for my birthday you're still having birthdays are you dear oh well there you go um George it's my sister Ethel yeah I could hear a credit card rattling to what do we owe this unexpected pleasure it is not unexpected George no it's not a pleasure either stop I just popped in to have a chat about mother well NE blinking mother actually that reminds me on Saturday I'm selling flags for the the pig ignorant well uh George isn't too keen on having mother stay with us for the week oh he's hiding it well I must say Humphrey gets on with her all right yes well I mean he's more used to older women isn't he dear uh Sher have you got some of that Sher you served the last time yes no thank you now about mother she is not getting any younger no well dear none of us are apart from you of course what say is she's living in in the past just a little every time the planes fly over from Heathrow she can't understand why the aak guns aren't firing out I think most of us feel that way do and Hilda her for a week last year she says she's getting very forgetful Hilda can talk five kids she supposed to be on the pill five and a half the chemist was shut again oh no anyway I thought I better just drop in and mention it yeah and show us your bottle green automatic XJ was name oh well it's a wonder she didn't bring it in with her it's perfectly all right Mildred mother was right you should never have married him she your mother was against you and me getting married well yes God how I wrong that woman H I want a word with you I have just found a sticky toffee Apple in the glove compartment oh well don't eat it now you'll spoil you dinner where is tristam well why blame him it could be that Mr Michael's down at your garage well I've never seen him eating toffee apples well he probably sees you coming and then hides them in the glove compartment right where is he oh just a minute Jeffrey uh listen he's a bit upset he uh well he got a black eye at school today he got a a black eye in school you mean he's been fighting my lad did he put up a good show you know win that sort of thing no he lost and you know I disapprove of fighting who was it he wouldn't say right uh hello there soldier all right I've got a black eye yes yes oh look uh I don't want you to feel you've let me down At All by not winning because uh I imagine your opponent was what twice your size no smaller probably a council child wiry and cunning they developed their reflexes through doing paper rounds it was lesie Wil Kingson little Lesley all right tell you what we do Soldier first thing Monday your mother will go and buy a pair of boxing gloves and hit Les wil Kingson yes no no boxing lessons and you can do it you said I shouldn't hit girls girls oh mother oh oh it's been ages well you're looking very well Ethel uh Mildred dear yes now where are the children bring them in to see grany you're thinking of Hilda mother yeah yes well go on in you go there you are oh yes there we are no oh mind the stairs dear that's right oh we have been looking forward to this visit uh George George wants to say something to your mother don't you George yeah welcome mother-in-law we hope you'll stay with us we'll be a we'll be a pleasant one be a pleasant one yeah oh thank you hrey George yes George go and get Mar Mar's bag from from the taxi would you want pay him oh co you sit downar that's there we are come you were lucky getting a taxi from the station oh I didn't dear I got one from dagenham I can't uport the train but is ever so much more expensive by taxi yes but umre is paying for it oh you've got a Yola terer yeah oh come on then love it's truffles look here MD's got one of them yes dear yes um well this is nice mother yeah how are you keeping oh very well I've not had a day's illness since that new woman doctor came oh yeah oh is she good oh no I just don't like her he hasn't got her man's hands BL do you know how much he wanted nearly six quid and he expected a tip here look at that 5p change oh thank you George leave it George at least she got the name right right just here we go one leave with your left like this right now hit me on the chin I can't reach it no um well uh how about this H you better take your glasses off then I won't be able to see ah no uh well um I'll take my glasses off as well neither of us will be able to see that's fair and an yes uh could you take our glasses off before we start please oh I bet Ali and Foreman never had this trouble right have you taken his glasses off yes good good where are you ah right you ready I think so no you're not son you see because your guard's open look you see see you see oh I can't stand it oh get that for me Jeffrey I've got a pen on yeah oh and but oh uh can you see my glasses no of course you can't uh keep guard up it's up is it well uh keep it up yes s yes I'm trying to open the uh who is it oh it's me Mr for mile oh Mrs rer what can I do for you well I was uh wondering if you could possibly fill this for me well I might be able to what is it uh but it's a Peppermill I've run out of peppercorn you see and I thought I ah uh I haven't called it a bad moment have I I mean you you're not having a disagreement with Anne what oh no no no no um uh she's in the kitchen do come in oh sure thank you I close the door there we are I'm knitting this for Hilda it never fit her for the baby she's expecting again oh yeah gets pregnant if she shares her husband's bath water she does Oho they're lovely kitties got five she has haven't you ever wanted one George why she giving them away I'd like another grandson before I go oh it's a bit short noce you're any here full week someone to carry on the family name I suppose only Arthur can do that Arthur who's Arthur my eldest oh you've never met him have you he's in New Zealand oh yeah well it's probably why immigrated he's still The Bachelor gay of course oh well so much for the family name oh here we are then dinner's N Ready mother I made you some nice steam fishing milk oh I'd rather have a chop they smell nice oh well you can have mine oh good thinking milry and I'll have yours you can have the fish next you'll be giving her brown ale oh thank you George cheers isn't he kind oh L it's going to be h of a week this is oh break for that looks good that's mother's George and I expect you like the paper too cool that's typical isn't it for the past week I come second in this household third George or forgetting the dog waited on her hand and foot if she had an itchy nose you sneeze for her well she needs looking after well so do I well you're not an old lady George you're a bit of an old woman but you're not an old lady glad when we see the back of her well don't hold your breath while you're waiting George what because I am seriously thinking of having my mother stay with us permanently [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] now look here mild your mother is not living with us oh don't get yourself an aate George I mean I I know there are drawbacks but there are advantages too if she stays I'll go yes that's one of them she's got her own home in in what's name dagnam if it's good enough for the girl Pipers it's good enough for her George she's all alone there I mean how would you like to be all alone in your old age as a matter of fact that's one of my ambitions I see you know George sometimes you can say the most hurtful things yeah well now don't turn on the Water Works we used to be happy once George you and I sometimes I mean what happened to us well we got married mild yes but people who get married don't have to hate each other well we don't hate each other you speak for yourself don't misunderstand me dearest I mean I've got a lot of affection and respect for your mother I just don't see why we should be lumbered with the old boot why can't one of the others look after her because Hilda is expect yeah so's eth expecting us to Lumber ourselves your mother is nothing but an old old isn't lunch ready yet ganet that's the word I was searching for George ganet what's he mean ganet oh well it it's a sort of rain coat mother you see uh George was thinking of buying one uh there's some tea in the pot if you'd like a cup oh thank you very much there you are dear you I am your husband mild I do have certain rights but it's months since you other right privacy in my own home I mean she she she's not just our responsibility well no I'll gave you my advice what to do with her at the beginning of the week I am not having her put down dear that's it Soldier keep them coming don't worry about the fact you're not getting through it's just I'm rather good at it and don't forget to use your feet you mean I can kick you no no no no foot work that's it in my case knee work try and catch me with a guard down I'd rather learn Kung food we are not having any of that foreign rubbish in this house you learn a good British straight left you won't have to worry about being bullied at school no you can be bullied at home instead end of around 37 he's uh he's getting rather good at it an it is an isn't it yes actually you look more attractive without your glasses on yeah so do you oh thank you really good hard right any more of that no will well I wasn't actually talking to you I can't tell he C now yes here we are then there we are now sit yourselves down Ethel over there dear and Humphrey over there that's it by the lamp uh George what oh yeah anyone careful Sher no no no is Hilda coming to this uh Family Conference Yes dear she is yes what about fertile Fred yes well her husband will be here too I think yes George all right all right who was all been such a rush Mildred when you rang I hadn't even got my face on oh you should have said dear we could have made it next week well I've told you what I think you should do with your mother hrey quite right Ethel I think we should wait till Hilda gets here before we start any conference oh she's here oh IO how you little thing look at that looks like the opening scene from MC Beth didn't it he all they need is a bubbling cauldron what was that Humphrey he oh no I was just saying D it's it's uh it's been a long time since we had a family get together like this isn't it George hey oh oh yeah yeah yeah that was a good night though was it yeah drinking a bit of a knees up oh go you you know that's the only time I've ever seen your mother have a really good laugh when was that my father's funeral oh [Laughter] yeah Frederick not with you dear no he's not he's a bit tired oh that's understandable he sends his love yes we can see he does um well now that we're all here now I want to talk about mother teed yet oh what a surprise oh eth mild Frederick and George yeah well I live here have you all come to see me yes mother now isn't that nice and now that they have all seen you George is going to take you down the PB for a little drink am I is he you can't blame him Jeffrey you did ask him to try and hit you not when I wasn't looking um how is it well it's um oh you look like half a panda oh so nice to see all the family together again is Arthur coming who oh no not all the away from New Foundland New Zealand yeah well it's the same place no no there's a bus strike on SE right sit down what you drink here hear the comments now you know what people are think don't you no oh H evening sh she been bashing you about is she that's what people will think oh clocked him with a rolling pin did you what night out with the lad Mr rer it's all right I mean there's nothing to be ashamed of I mean we all have our little tips I should uh I should tell people that lad of yours did it he did ah yeah that's the way I can't take her oh I can see your point about leaving her on her own but well there's not a lot of space in our house I mean Frederick needs a room of his own he's left it a bit late for that hasn't he to study he wants to be a producer looks he's doing all right is it three now I too would be only too happy to have mother come and live with us but but the one spare room we have we've had plans drawn up to turn it into a bilard room saath come Bard room well what about you George says he's going to leave if mother comes here oh good then you'll have plenty of room oh that is typical of you is come on come on come now look here let's be reasonable about this now why don't we put her into the bye home for retired gentle folk I mean the walls must be 10 ft high if she'd never get out I couldn't push her into a home you you're trying to push her into mine oh look you've got this great big house a great big swimming pool yeah I wouldn't mind pushing her into that this is our mother we're talking about she's given us the best years of her life I mean here we all are trying to Palmer off into someone else well I don't know how you feel about it but I feel ashamed so you'll take her no I won't you take her yeah well this is a bundle of fun isn't it do you want a game of football we haven't got a ball no no on the machine yeah I'll forget it did you fancy a packet of crisps oh yes please yeah well get me one while you're up there my legs aren't what they were you know I'm not long for this world oh we got time to get a packet of Chris yeah I've had a a good life though seen all my daughters happily married apart from Mildred of course hey the world of me they do oh do they they're having a Barney at this moment about which one of them gets stuck with you oh well I mean you're getting a bit past it aren't you I mean look at last Tuesday when you couldn't get out the bath and I had to help you I did not enjoy that you didn't do very much for me either that's for getting stuck with me they needn't bother I'm going to a far better place yes but that might not be for years New Zealand oh I see where my eldest Arthur Now where's that last letter of his there there he's asked me to go and live with him and he sent me the tickets and I've accepted well why why didn't you mention it well I thought the girls would be so upset upset they'll be thrilled a bits well then upset as well yeah I'm going to have my own room and he says I can help him brand the Sheep when whenever they need branding no no no when are you going oh on the 15 well that's only a couple of days yes yeah let's go back and break the good news yeah I mean prepare them for the sad parting I haven't finished my drink oh all right hey son I'll keep an eye on the old lady will you what uh the good eye I I just got to C back and uh oh uh this is uh this is Jeffrey what's name uh he's a friend of mine oh here here get you a packet of crisps uh hello you ought to learn to defend yourself young man why don't you take up boxing we could draw straws I saw it in a film once somebody had to jump out of the Lifeboat he Kurt Douglas drew the Short Straw oh well that settles that you can go and live with him that is just like you isn't it what are you talking about now look here we do more than L people do for your mother that that's better perhaps I could put in a word thank you now I've listened more in sorrow than in Anger to this sad sad spectacle of a family divided against itself oh God he's drunk I am not drunk I am sick sick at heart to think that you all of you could turn away this poor old lady in the Twilight of her years please there is more to life than material possessions such as swimming fools and kids there is charity and love and the pursuit of happiness I hold these truths to be self-evident never in the field of human in yeah what I'm saying is that I'm willing to welcome my mother-in-law to my humble home for as long as she wishes to stay George yeah well uh I'll go get your cat sto allow me yeah tell here George yeah she hasn't got any money you know what care I for wealth oh we all going get the coat George I'm so proud of you yes well it might not be for long Mildred and uh it was one in the eye for that lot well well done George of course I must say you'd never have had this trouble in the first place if she' gone to live with your Arthur in New Zealand no that's right yeah what was that mil Arthur oh he sent her the tickets and everything oh she was all set to go and then he died 1950 that one and you know she's been carrying his letters around with her ever since poor out oh my [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] God [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music]

Channel: In2Movies

Views: 396,869

Keywords: george & mildred, george and mildred, george & mildred full episodes, yootha joyce, brian murphy, british comedy, british sitcom, funniest tv shows, sitcoms, funny tv shows, classic sitcom, comedy show, funniest tv series, 1970s tv shows, comedy tv show, comedy, full episodes, humour, funny old british sitcom

Id: YhhseQLrmUE

Length: 237min 34sec (14254 seconds)

Published: Sat Jan 13 2024