Frankie Boyle Live at the Apollo

[Applause] hello it's been quite busy laying myself cool I decided to stop caring about my appearance when I realized that the reason that women wasn't having sex with me was because of my personality okay shape at the moment at the moment when I'm lying down and I get an erection this sort of looks like a motorcyclist in male Jin over the brow of a hill I don't think women mains women don't main to heavier gays I think women look at me and think he would go down on me like her parched spaniel I have a CD here have a CD that masturbation is a kinnor summoning spell for your own rational mind cuz we're also driven by hormones and by desire sometimes you've got to have a wank to speak to your real self I shoulda saved my ex one last time Oh texture I'll taste our mirror saga and then you come and a lot of voice comes on in your head that goes yeah don't do that me you've gotta be careful with jokes haven't yet cuz not everybody's got a sense of humor I remember when I first realized not everybody's got a sense of humor I was 13 at school not doing a class when steady with tapes the teacher was a really good guy he's just talking about who's stupid steady with tapes on and he was talking about a stereo tape that day that's old-fashioned and so squash that you definitely won't have helped them have you ever held the stereo tape that deaf people are really strong genuine thing when I was going out there's people particularly deaf and dumb people for believed to be really strong and the teachers they think house should be that you ever seen a deaf contained up for the heavyweight championship of the world a nice often up in my hand on I mean the Roy's once a baby was disqualified for punching after the bill and nor will you are and you Rea then life was gonna feel pretty long got FFL will you wave it jokes haven't you I can't write jokes for the average person kena the average person has Chinese [Music] [Applause] with the Queen's 90th birthday last year with a steep part it ain't my way with jelly and ice cream not to do with the Queen well just time flush our local pedophile the Queen has two Buster's a year one each for her human and lizard forms don't get me wrong my the Queen at level long life cuz the longer she lives the more days we got often holiday when she dies the moment she's along weekend god bless ER she makes it a hundred we're gonna get a week off some people don't like the Queen there's a thing a couple years ago there's a funder money for very good people heat their homes and an emergency and the royal household tried to get hold it out money the heat Buckingham Palace he Buckingham Palace we don't want her dying and went on a week often went up is no good to anybody why not take away the highest summer of a continent is C weeks in Tenerife the funeral today boys black arm bands on the flumes I honestly think that the government are saving the Queen's death or when they need a really big distraction please have me over ender when we pull a pillow of a briefcase I'm afraid that Isis have just landed in Cornwall so it breaks it people are saying after breaks it that British people don't trust the experts anymore I don't think that's the problem I think the problem is that British people have strong opinions based on nothing at all [Applause] strong opinions on very little information because we're a decadent society it's exactly the same thing that happened to the ancient Romans probably I've never really bothered to find Oh enjoyed for in in brags it not for the sake of democracy it's just rare for me to be allowed any a Scott Hall unchallenged so we related to either me with an even like that it's just wind up there now like should stay though of a haunted manner so he's a male looks like she's entirely made out of bones doesn't she she loosely she's me though the bones that they forgot to burn the Boris Johnson he's the 40 secret see a cross between a head injury and an unmade bed he's the worst person for the job he may be the Ross mammal it's a lot of racism post brexit I think British people just get immigrants to do the jobs that they can't face doing themselves which is why Nigel Farage has a German wave [Applause] my favorite fire - thing was when he dodged the question of whether they thought address elbow should be the next James Bond and I think headless elbow be a great James Bond because I want to see a Bond movie well they're pre-care that sequence is just a black guy trying to drive an Aston Martin through central London someone seems to be shooting at us pond I think it's the met I do I sound like I'm too down on racist here some of my best friends are racists are those of you fair they're black and they've got point that kind of anti-refugee racism in the air especially in the summer you know you've read about some gay ruling over here massing and people have got are sending back don't send him back there was the Olympics coming up here involved does this element anti-refugee racism people say Oh Isis are sending agents disguised as refugees Isis are infiltrating Britain as refugees that's not happening and I can prove that it's not happening because Isis recruit people from here to go in fate and Syria to go in fate in an act why would they be sending anyone do you think someone's fawning our PI system or going all right might I could nip down to London tomorrow and do a bit of terrorism no you come here mad will do the terrorism mate is currently clinging to a mattress in the middle of the Mediterranean tell him it's no bother might I can get a dye return on the mega Bush you come here through several strict border and security checks the terrorism is currently on a raft made out of old 7up bottles fighting off sharks with the my leader super mob that is a top agent little lily spends the next five years in a refugee camp a real-life version of The Hunger Games first prize is a sandwich I should point out Americans do need to worry about refugees Americans do need to worry because a refugee in America may get involved in a mass shooting just to try and fan I honestly think they'll be peace in the Middle East once the oil runs Oh although knowing their luck someone vent a replacement that involves Max and signed with falafel my family for generations before me they were sheep farmers Shepherds really I kinda think I'm a bit like that wait been on my own late walks and I meet my live-in controlling large codes of stupid animals do you know that you're a delight to have I would have liked to have worked on a been lording that's the one job where you can really shoot your head off all day long I've been over there bring over here put in the bed lawyer there's a little Ben I'll get it I'll bring up to the Ben lawyer I'll save the Ben wanna form of the bear you get pens we can do that job in complete silence can then I'll be meeting at the start of the shift every day okay let's agree that when we're out there today we're going to pick up all the bends putting them in the bin lorry I could lean to be a doctor I think that sense of humor goes a long ways I thought that what you mean you are second opinion you've already had one he said that was out same else as well I don't like celebrity atheists I don't trust them I'm an atheist I was a very bad Catholic unless you include my truth to condoms in which case I was an absolutely amazing Catholic because the legends have done good things the Quakers fought against the Vietnam War a liberation theology in Central America those people all got killed they got killed for standing up for poor people and watch that award to be looked down on by wreckage of is I don't need wreckage of is to tell me that God doesn't exist when I watched Eric get recommissioned twice there's one Danish D today and I saw a homeless guy I went to give him some money and I realized that only had that Twitter pone naught I thought I really want this money been spent on drugs and had to say that I didn't so I gave it to the homeless guy this only happens to me in London you get people who got don't get the money they just spend it on beer and [ __ ] I've always assumed that they were spending on being in [ __ ] I've never given money a homeless guy and thought I hope he's putting that into his eye sir I don't trust this super wretch do you know that there are now hotels for the cipa wretch that are so exclusive that when you phone down and ask for an extra pillow that's actually a cord wad as I call it for a prostitute imagine that you phone down you ask for an extra pillow and a prostitute turns up now you've got two prostitutes and only one pillow to smother the moon ladies and gentlemen are you ready for your first active evening [Applause]

Channel: ArseRaptor

Views: 794,226

Rating: 4.8031321 out of 5

Keywords: Live At The Apollo (TV Program), Comedy (Theater Genre), arseraptor, stand up, frankie boyle, holly walsh, jack carroll

Id: 0n7rb2Sk3Vw

Length: 12min 28sec (748 seconds)

Published: Thu Dec 08 2016