Jethro Ambassador 2011

[Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] he's here for you tonight but he told me only yesterday that he wants to spend it [Applause] but now gentlemen I gotta tell you I I haven't been well yeah thank you bastards don't care up there you bastard but I had to go I had a rash on my testicles level and I went in has seen the woman doctor and she was holding me testicles she said you've got to stop masturbating and I said why she's because I'm trying to examine you believe I thought I was really lucky to get here because I know a woman on the road she's a nasty looking cow just like yourself ma'am Sheila I'm in the country look at the window and she shared that pig pig to me I set up your knickers your fart face ugly look an old bag and went round the corner and drove into a pig my wives he's an ugly bastard womanizer hey she is my wife can light up a room just by moving away from the window but I said you realize my guy said these crab paste sandwiches are not tasting right I said where did you get the crab paste she said the chemist you haven't asked me yet you miserable that's it I laugh at you and you come in with Lil John but they they when she was pregnant I said you're only pregnant for Christ every woman in history of had a baby you're only bloody pregnant for Christ's sake your driver Betty complainin I said you didn't complain about the Bulls so you gotta put up with a Cass she said you men don't know what it's like to be pregnant she said you go and see the doctor and see if he can get you view something that you will feel the same as I do who Christ and you know what that bastard doctor dummy he give me two gallon of absent Souls and showed me how Zola batty I'll make you laugh your bastard cement I know your type he's the man look there was arrested last Grand National Day for making love to a woman on beaches Brook when he was told the court he asked for 15 other fences to be there but every time I go on the holiday my wife get pregnant every bloody time for years when I go on holiday she get pregnant so this year I'm gonna take her with me oh [ __ ] but she hide to ate that bastard woman but I was in the graveyard I have my arms around the headstone and crying I know who and I'm I'm I'm crying I I'm I met her control and I'm a sheriff why do you have to die why do you have the blood he died of all the people why did you have the dog and the man come in he's a nice man he put his on my shoulder nice it wasn't I found remember I said no he's was a friend I said no it was my wife's first husband [Music] but let me tell you well know we see we got some restraints in the night and the sights has seemed some Australians in I our God they made you come from everywhere ice back don't you I should run not surprised with a face like that you'd have to keep moving a bit what but when I was in Australia this Aurora I pick up a girl in the disco and took her ate a nice giving her a muff diving on the cricket pitch and I I said I wish I had a torch she's his soda oh you've been chewing grass for three quarters an hour [Applause] I knew when I got her in the hotel for my children knickers off and a fish fell out and I said was a lovely place like you who did it but I was looking after the Sheep I was miles from bloody anywhere I was I had about 40,000 sheep and I was 6 months on me own with all these bloody sheep I never did get involved but I did look at a sheet one morning I thought by God you got lovely eyes I was hope and my wife she's I was dumb sitting there when Maya said jefra she said get up and make the tea I said you make the tea a lazy bastard she said I'm not making the tea well the daughters there she's a lazy cow anyway she will make the bloody tea I said I'm not making the bloody tea and mother said she said I'm not me she said well I tell you what the first one that speak can make the tea not a bloody words nothing hour and a half not a bloody word and then the daughter's boyfriend come and he said hello everybody not a word will he sit down with a daughter and the dirty bastard took her tits out for the dirty bath then he held her drawers off and give her a muffled diving but well I don't speak guys how to make the bloody tea look dirty ambassador then when he finished that he got mother's tits out now for Christ's sake well she's gone all floppy not your selfie when she go to bed she to put them in rollers now when he got her tits uno then he held her drawers often give her ass toughen up against the Rayburn the dirty pass et shagging everything about well I dare speak I shall make the bloody tea that dirty bastard then he went out the bathroom and he caught his leg on the handle of the door he said have you got any Vaseline I said I'll make the bloody tea always in both my eyeball I went in I thought I'll buy her a bunch of flowers in that lovely and they went in the flower shop I saw that one the beautiful bunch of roses for my wife and that lovely and the man said well he said this is not a florist shop is not a flower shop it's a circumcision clinic I said where you got flowers in the window he said what do you suggest we put in the window [Applause] I gotta tell you that this morning I was in middle of chef Roberts and there's the big pond in the middle of the village when I gather Penberthy is on the bank given the man artificial respiration on the bank I said what you do in these they will he was drowning in the pond and this it is called artificial respiration you watch when they pump his guts you look at all the water fly out of his nostrils and there was water coming out and wheeze ins who should [ __ ] he said I keep pumping long enough you start to breathe again I said if you don't get his ass out the water you pump the bloody palm drive [Laughter] [Applause] he either [ __ ] he is he went in the jeweler's shop insuring hyung his [ __ ] out on Omni on the desk and the woman said I think you've misread the sign over the door it says clock repair well he said you better put your hands on [Laughter] [Music] good morning wall present welcome once again to our weekly get-together method to the events in around the county when you read - it says fornication and sucking tits the wrong glass I do apologize that's my job for all occasions such as this ha ha ha a little bit but me little dime in the week about a traumatic week please stop me only last night coming home 3:30 and the policeman said you were speeding and I said well I'm very very late I'm going to a lecture and he said I don't think so you're going to a lecture at 3:30 in the morning I said you don't know my wife deal the loss happened in in the week I've had a complaint for a Robert Richards of Penrhyn who've got a complaint against the National Health he's been given the kidney transplant from a bed-wetter a traumatic were there another gentleman here from for names and who has a complaint that I think we need to address quickly he's gone to acupuncture to help him give up smoking and this surgeon stuck all these needles in his [ __ ] [Music] from an Avery live 85 mile away Hiromi Jennifer oh he said Saturday night were having a big barbecue I'd like for you to come over I said he's 85 Molly said well it's only once in a while he said he's a hell of a do he said there will be sausages and beef burgers and chicken legs and then everybody be drinking everybody would be pissed and he said they're eating and then when they piss he'll start the shagging crew he said and everybody will be shagging everybody else and then swapping partners and shagging again and they'd be swapping the shagging and shagging swap until daylight cryhe's I said what you think I oughta where he said wear what you like he says just the two of us last week do we tell we cut here I'm from burly come in here once affidavit but bastard and ruin his legs and I said what have happened and he said I've been hit with a bloody cricket ball well my wife said well come out the kitchen or bathe it for you crews well she called there there and she had a bowl of warm water with some red ox and some rose petals and she was smoothing this [ __ ] down with a piece of cotton wool I said is it any better Denzil he said I think your what your wife has done I've helped a lot but he said I still think I should lose a nail then I was reading in the paper today that Bob the Builder and I know we got some builders in tonight yeah yeah I bet you do everything too don't you that's the trouble when cousins marry you always get a [ __ ] like that [ __ ] the Builder he was on the building site and he said to all the men I think I should tell you I got a [ __ ] a footlong I'm like last for four hours well the secretary said you better come my place at night and I'll see what you're made of the next morning she's holding actual fact you got a [ __ ] four inches long and you can last 51 seconds he said it was only an estimate that difficult link doesn't have a passive you the faster the live next door to me about it just like yourself a basset is it your your mother should have swallowed you when she had the chance [Music] start the car is the biggest bastard in the club but he I went in to pick as my chicken went in and laid an egg in his garden and I went in he said hang on mate he said that's my egg I said no is it your egg it's come from my chicken you turd he said if he's laid on my land it's my property and is my egg I said it's my bloody chicken he said there's nothing to do with it I said that chicken them stretch his ass older day that I said well I'm picking the egg up he said you Darren cuz it's on my land and an outing I'll go to court I said what you're on you can to go to court over a bag on I'm taking that he said tell you what we'll do I'll kick you in the bollocks we'll have a bollock kicking competition I'll kick you in the bollocks and then you kick me in the bollocks and the first one the giving the other one get the egg and the bad idea of that I said well you go first so I stood up he run up and kick me in the bollocks Christ I just bet wearing me ass for a hat then I said his mitre and he said keep the bloody egg [Applause] when up I was on the beach last summer gonna tell you open birth II and he said jefra the women on the beach is paying no attention to me at all I said well what you want to do is find the stone and put in your trunks and then they think you're a bit of boy and put at second I said find the stone and put in your trunks like I do when he come back with a stone to birth the size of a bloody Swede turn them when he put a Danish draw I thought well the last single never bloody stand it and off he went with this bloody great stone in his trunks when he come back after an hour he said the women are still paying no attention to me whatsoever I said if I was you I should put it down the front although I was though once in the tell you new you get the on Safari problems with all that young I love them and he was all about the Tigers and the Lions and the elephants were fathers 96 he was going to sleep and waking up and then going to sleep will he he one paying attention and when the program finished I said father you should have seen that because he said on the program the Lions have sex six times a day he said [ __ ] he said I've just joined the bloody rotary [Music] but I I said that my wife she's attending you've always wanted to do Jeff right said yeah I've always fans it giving you a portion doggy fashion so I can't see your massage season well it is your birthday and you can op doggy Pfizer on one condition that you don't bark and the other condition is we do it in the street when nobody don't know us we got we've had a family Gypsys moved in the village and they sent the boy to school not lovely and he was in school of first day and he window massaged his mother and doing very well were we're learning the alphabet and I'm up to her and none of the other children are passed em he said well you're doing very well he's daddy good you've done bloody well next day he come in he said mother he said we're doing figures today and he said I can count up to nine and none of the other children can count up more than six he said well you are doing very well he was doing well wouldn't he come home the next day said mother he said I got the biggest [ __ ] in the class she's Lord remember you are 34 Walter Escala also had a complaint and he is from Trevor Damon it says here he's now I've got a throat infection and he he can't swallow anything and every thing he consumed he has have stuffed up his anus and he particularly liked square crisps here as disturbing for him last night in the home where he's staying he asked for a cup of coffee and instructed him to turn over and butch pointed stuck a funnel up his penis and there commence pouring a big mug of hot coffee which showed he screamed and said stop immediately and they said is it too hot and you probably know there is no sugar so there's a lot of business in truth and gentlemen here tonight also report on a lighter note that a horse what is he running at the Taunton race courses outside of a county of Court it's still a very interesting point horse running a Taunton on TV with a farm to go left at his tail suddenly flapped an umbrella and frightened or lifted his tent and a wasp allegedly stung him on the ass it says here he went on to win the race he also won the 3:15 a chepstow and the fourth or the dark aster [Music] yes but over in the butcher shop the bay in cowling ttan and anybody from cowling she's a big every bird in the butcher's shop I said a pound of filler she said a pound you don't burn birthing committee last Saturday night Jeff Errol he said you you gotta help me someone terrible as Adam if said I've took a woman out tonight on a boarder a drink and he said I bought her a meal unlike Arthur out in the transit van in the back with all tools I'm just about to introduce the ferrets and my wife have rung up I gotta call her home I said well what am I gonna do when he said would you go on where I left off I said I don't even know the girl he saw she's pissed she won't know as I can't do that he said don't be a sinner you gotta help out well I jump in the back of this bloody transit van well I don't know who the hell she is I don't know even what she bloody look like was he very friendly I've been there about five minutes in the policemen come on flash and his lighting he said what do you think you're doing I said do you mind I said I'm here making love to my wife he said they didn't realize it was your wife has an order Dodger luchon your torch but he wasn't when they got married me and pin Bertha we married two sisters and we had a joint wedding and honeymoon with the two sisters and when we caught in the hotel on the on the honeymoon Denzil said I bet I shall give her a portion more often than you do whoo-hoo I said you'll never give her four portions of me at t'other I said they used to call me the mad muffler from mousse oh that's because I can breathe through my ears he said where we love it we love a competition he said every time you give it a portion put a mark on the headboard and we'll count up in the morning has that right we'll glad easy [ __ ] in no chance well I went to bed and give her a portion well just like you do what that one bad mother-- well I put up one that was pretty good I put up one and then the bet half past two I woke up again and my crew did I give her a stuffin ha ha still lucky I never killed her you never see such a stubborn lucky guy did give her some shaft and a pass to was unmerciful the way I stuffed her about to you could hear the slates rattling on the roof by Jesus I give her I got that it was unmerciful with air to control by cross she tied some stuff into the dummy she never had nothin like this like lucky I never diamond serve her life she never woke up well that was two then in the morning I give her another one well that was three so I add me three all of our past seven per Bertha come in my bedroom on his hands in his knees you bastard he said a hundred and eleven these that you beat me be one rows in Bournemouth last Friday and you think they they got the silver ball and they tell you fortune then the woman said I'll tell your fortune when I lovely and I sit there and she was looking at the silver ball and I was looking at the buck or two she said the silver ball is telling me now you won't be having any more children when I left I kicked the table leg and the ball rolled off and crushed me knockers [Applause] but I mean I got that in the road last Wednesday night and I saw very same strain the Denzil boomer the-- in the garden Teelin seeds and he caught his rough and he put in the few seeds and then he put the seeds in his pocket and get his [ __ ] out and wave at the seeds I thought this has an old Cornish custom then he put his [ __ ] away and he put in a few more then he get his [ __ ] out again and by the time this time is about twenty people looking over the garden wall whatever is that gentleman do it when he come down for the next show I said Denzil what are you doing you put in the few seeds and then you get in you [ __ ] and why he said unfallen the instructions on the bloody packet it says there till Finlay and prick out every foot but I came back we was in Wales last week and in Wales now rom Raiden the god a completely different meaning and all the Welsh wearing kilts now like the Scottish because his sheep have got used to the sound of the Zips but they said when they blew down the twin towns in America what a terrible thing was a man there from cowlings and he just couldn't believe the devastation and as American beside mrs. terrible he said were you from he's alive in Carrington he said what state is that in he said those names is but I went in this week to send me along Khalil darmody's 97 now and it was a famous man because he won the world wrestling championship and when he went he had to defeat the Russian who was a notorious killer man he come off the ropes and he put you in such a knot that nobody ever got out of it but uncle did get out of it and he went on to be champion of the world and I said uncle you're 97 now as whoever told anybody what happened he said no but I'm gonna tell you he said can you keep a secret I said I can it's the people that I tell they let me down so bad he said I'll tell you what happened Jeffro he said he was a big bastard he said he said if he comes off at you the robes feet-first get out there anyway cuz nobody can ever cope with his will he's done I did and I wasn't quick enough and he tied me in such an aunt he said my arm was up to there and he said his leg was up around me as my other night was he said I was tied up in such a knot I didn't know where I was he said I I heard the referee counted and I thought well I've lost like everybody else and he said I opened my eyes and I seen the parables and he said on I up and bite this parables are hard as ever I could bite them and he said you never believe what strength you can generate if we bite your own balls my Albert bill Peter he was in the when the war in the commanders he was and he said he was on the unexpected he said in the sergeant-major come on the speculum won't are they up there and he was standing up pretty good but he had one elbow head like that and this sergeant major II leathered him on the bloody elbow [ __ ] he said that hurts honey said no sir he's the one aunt he said I'm a British commander sir he said that's the spirit song that's what made Great Britain great well done son keep that spirit up well done come on another two up from uncle he was sending up pretty good but he have one leg just over like that I think it was one of your club and he took his stick and he leathern on the kneecap and knocked his knee Cartwright up on the floor and stepped on junuh this bucket of a move he said that her son he said knows her he said why not he said I'm a British commander sir what a wonderful spirit doesn't be good to walk on their nupro young boys come on - uncle absolutely smart as a carrot the only slight infringement was he had his [ __ ] hanging out and this sergeant major leather his [ __ ] and put a great blue welt about a foot back from the end and uncle never moves it that that earth son he said no sir he's a why not he said it's not mine sir belongs to the gentleman behind sir but is that the fellow winning trago mills Ellis Carney said he survived comfrey had a terrible story said I come from a job as a blob salesman he said are you a good salesman he's have a very good salesman he said will Eadie do you think you're good off he's a little pickle oh good enough for you he's gonna tell you what he said I'll give you a trial mate he said in 1948 we bought six ton of Bibles and he said have a wheelbarrow on gobblers card if you can sell Bibles in this card you are a bloody good Hales month he's lost heart start Monday morning morning the morning committee to alert the bible's and off he went his guard in the load of wheel bar full of Bibles then they come ten o'clock he come back he said number of his observer a breathable album about the book sold out your sold out it hold out he said he said you sell a wheelbarrow full of Bibles in it hold out he said he's wrong ha go again he took another load in ur tommy baggy sometime but now let again he's a sold out again crazy seller I'll take another load after dinner three Chloe's Maddie's on a public sold out again he said a plenty Britton five o'clock another day they come and I'm like disappointed so ladies you're bloody brilliant he said oh the hell do you manage to sell Bibles like that in the scarred well he's an apple to get the blunt I could knock the door when they Khmer do I tell them I'm a burglar but the person salesman from trago mills and I'm selling Bibles would you like to buy one or or or shall I read it to you there's also report here from a local hostility they called the cop and comfort I don't really think it's that comfortable the entertainment is magnificent deserve a say allegedly they they have a competition in August when all the tourists are down the long [ __ ] competition of the car company and it been one for many years by a local gentleman and he's retired and and they to make sure this the trophy stayed in the Duchy they invited mr. dent open birthday to reveal the length of his Richard to secure the trophy finale yard and he declined in the offer but after much persuasion he said he would but the compromise was he would only reveal enough to weep so good luck the trophy remained in Cornwall there's also a reporter in just WI who had their photographs taking a group photograph last Friday and the women were all assembled outside the Women's Institute and the photographer had them in perfect position of Italy and he put a cloth over his head to take the photograph and mrs. pokémon said to mrs. Raths caller was he going to do and she explained he's going to focus which you replied what all of us there is not a report here Oh mr. denzler Bamber they has opened a shop in Truro right outside of Tesco's and he wants to call it main entrance little warning here to the people in the Penryn area they say there's a cross-eyed burglar at large in the Penryn area a very disturbing across a burglar at large and it's pretty rampant and he burned him pretty frequently he's across hard that so they know him but they are police have said if you see the cross eye burglar looking through your front window warn the people next door now then gentlemen I have had a [ __ ] of a week I wrote a Jonathan Ross I said can I appear on your show and he wrote back and he said no you can't and he couldn't even spell cats a horrible child you know I was a horrible child you can believe that I was in school and the teacher said every row where is Pakistan I said out in the toilet were packin Brian you got a laugh of that you miserable bastard big hand for John the Baptist here tonight let him down where you from all you Code Columbia no that's I don't let the electric lights frighten you and you all come together in Christ I like seen that but now John was something terrible happening Miss Moore my wife was cooking me breakfast and I heard a bloody thump in the kitchen I went out and she dropped dead on the floor well I panicked I didn't want to do I run her in the kiss as to what I do now I do you don't know where to go I didn't know which way to turn and then I suddenly thought wait rose do breakfast is till a past 9:00 I got a tail down but that poor arm is poker or with in truly hospital this week on the operating table and she thought she died little oh she said well I I've died and God said mrs. poker non you alright cuz he talked like that he come from Connors Lake he said you're right mrs. poker horn he said you've got 42 years and 31 days to live she said that in bad this is I see that's better off and I thought when she thought see and I'm going to live that long I'll smart myself up we she had her hair done and they did it plastic surgery on her nose and straighten her nose up and straightened her teeth a bit then she had the liposuction under and the Botox she looked bloody smart which he compared the hospital and walk across the forecourt and ambulance come round the road knocked her down killed her when she caught the heaven she said the God she said you said I had 42 years of ladies and I know bees and I never recognized you I didn't I did I didn't know your waters are the very sad to love Friday I went to a funeral elderman one of my dear friends we do well I got I was late leaving home and then I got caught in the traffic and then I got caught in the roadworks and there was stop when I finally got there then everybody gone the funeral was over and it was just for men filling in the grave and I said to these four men do you mind let me just take a couple of minutes to pay my respects they say you have yourself mates why some two verses of the over across I said a prayer and I cried low no I did cry when I finished I said to these men thank you very very much for doing that a woman who said I've never ever seen anything so emotional so moving ever in the whole of my life and he said I've been puttin in septic tanks for her here I believe I've been in the hospital cadenza working as a male nurse now he's doing very well he's very good and I said to the how his Denzil doing she said well he's very enthusiastic I'm glad she said he's a he gets things mixed up a little bit but he's very very willing she said he's very willing that's what you mean mixed up what she said I told him to give a woman two tablets at five o'clock and he give her five tablets at two o'clock and then I told her to give the man one injection that four o'clock and he give him four injectors at one o'clock so he get things mixed up I'm a bit concerned at the moment I just sent him down the men's ward to pre commands Boyle but we so I've never told you Lindo when I was a young man I hi brother I had a touch of eggs and the chicken satin and the old all night sale depart from two but one was just a bit bigger than the rest and he grew and he kept growing and as the winds that bastard chickens started when to stop growing he just Betty got bloody massive he got about 14 for I this bastard chicken did you never seem to get past a great chicken and I thought I'll put that bugger in the cart and I'll have a bit of fun he can pull me around the farm well I put this chicken in crushed blenny great strides about 20 for the time he do 70 miles an hour this chicken would I thought I'll have that bugger you told me to work up the motorway with the car saved me buying the petrol while I had to chicken up and off he took roost hop the motorway well this went on for bed month but I was going to work one morning with the big chicken pulling me and the bloody rope broke and this bastard chicken is not true what I'm telling you call the police this is chicken took off up in the motorway right down over the top and disappeared when there was ice stuck in the middle lane and the police Kemal is not one of them do you I said may begin [Music] [Applause] but see Darrin doesn't just see tens we'll always used to put snuff on the bar on a Sunday lunch time and anybody come in at the point the beer and add the sniffing else was he got it one Sunday morning and he never had me snuff please said I'll make up a bit of something to Queen the pots well he got underneath the stairs and the cat has been in and [ __ ] a Grady Bishop of a quarter inch deep and the foot wide one of them runny ones you know when he scrape up all his catch it on the shovel and he put it onto the grill till he grilled it up or crispy then he grounded up well he was a bit light in colors who he put a couple of spoonfuls of misto and he did not let he did no good he can eat did look good well two fellows come in he said mornin Denzil he said two pints a boy say oh if he took away he got back he said Percy said can you smell cat [ __ ] he said I counts money so I can smell cat [ __ ] blood his thing in here he said there's no something wrong your bloody nose it's no cat [ __ ] here he said Lettie cats of [ __ ] here somewhere well they drink the first one then Percy went off we still have two more pints please tend to believe tooks elements he got back Christ he said Brian he said now my nose is clear I can smell that catch it I've been back to castle boaters and discard very reputable company it down there went back with a card this week that I appreciate purchase from them I complained to mr. Manning manager or the director there I said your car you sold me won't go past 60 of our Hill and he said what's the matter with that I said well I live at 72 kind of traumatic nice pierced week when I went from my hair for a haircut in double boys and I sat in the chair and the barber to be Army said you're going a little gray sir I said we'll get a move on he said you want your haircut around the back I said well how'd you do it here he send you a little bald patch he's had a bit of a thought of having a transplant I look ridiculous with a kidney on my head a couple more items will [ __ ] through and then there'll be question from the floor the news coming through that a chemist shop in London Lee's broken into last week last Friday night said and everything is missing in the shop except from the condoms and the bill cream the police have told me they're looking for a bald-headed Catholic a little change of policy little gentleman as you know in the last week's meeting I said that corn will in fact had declared war officially on Russia and we were an elaborate Minh to think that we would invade Russia and I know it was carried by the by the committee yeah but I'm afraid to tell you today we've had to call it off because after a little bit of looking around and and interviewing some of our local farmers we feel we're gonna have to call off the war with Russia as we don't feel there is room in Kabul for all the prisoners there any other business or anything you'd like to bring up from the floor I went in the hospital and they said you've got a heart disease and you're gonna die it's so sad there you go so when I got out in the village he is one of atoms ever I said well I got AIDS and I'm gonna die you've gotta hate yeah month to live he said George ever got ages to the doctor called me search everything I told you who got a heart disease you're gonna die I didn't say you got AIDS why you're telling all the village you've got AIDS I said I'm not out on this bunch shagging my wife while I'm gone [Applause] [Music] I was I went then the Newton Abbot racecourse my horse running and I poked him between the eyes I said listen to me mister bastard I say you're bloody useless and I said you win this day race today or you're in a bloody milk cart that's the job for you in a bloody milk cart and if you don't win today you're in the bloody milk cart when he start the race he called the bedroom all behind and losing ground and the jockey with a bloody great stick and start to hammer this horse and the horse head goes steady mate I gotta start work five o'clock but then on the farm I I had the the agency for for employment the fair's come a nasty bastard [ __ ] he said you the farmer I said yeah I am I said who you you ugly looking [ __ ] and he said I resemble that remark he's without you who do you play employ on this farm I say employ a tractor driver and he said how much did he get paid I said he get paid two hundred and thirty pounds a week and he gets to shag the wife every Friday afternoon he so that's not bad then he's is there anybody else employed I said yes there's another one it's what do you get i silly works 80 hours a week for 75 pounds an hour and II am madly shacked for 14 years he said was his name I said that's me when Denzil was gettin married he said to Mildred his wife he said he's who he been married in the fortnight he said can I just take your tits out she said no you can't we be married in the fortnight you'll be my husband you can do what you like I said well can I just take one out can I just take your tits out you look you'll be married in the fortnight you can do what you like is she said no you can't not until you're married he said what can I just feel the way that one she really won't go any father no he said of just one she's will ever don't go any father and you can't wait a fortnight you can feel the weight of what we go he said my word is is heavy in the Mildred look at the great nipple on the end of that one loaded and Mildred he said you got another one like that mm-hmm Mildred he said I just couldn't sniff your Fanny could I she said I knew it come with no you can't she said you'll be married in the fortnight and then you be my husband you can do what you like but until you're married you behave yourself Mildred he said I won't touch and I just Nitin no yeah he said Miller I promise I put me on drum ever I don't tell I just sniffing she what if you promise not to touch and and you can't wait a fortnight young sniffing but no more we she had the great loose rock on the knee caught up underneath Mildred he said you think this will keep a fortnight for you listen Polly he had to look after this manner the Duke went away on holiday and Iran he wrung Denzil while he was away sit how's everything he said everything you always said all up and running really said I'm looking after things well little bit of bad news he said the dog have died oh he said not larger yes he said that the very sad thing he said well what the doggy said where the horse kicked him but he said the horse kicked him he said the horse don't kick nobody said he did he said but he's what made the horse kick like that well he said the only thing I can think of he said whether he was perhaps frightened by the fire the fire he said what fire he said well the fire that burnt the stable damn he [ __ ] he said run burn the stable down yeah well he said well whatever did that sound well he said we're not too sure because I I'm wondering whether it could have been a spark that have come from the house he said the house in burned oh yeah he said the man was racin well what started that fire is that we're we're not too sure I think you could have been the candle we had on top of your wife's coffin he said my wife in dead well he said she died suddenly when she heard that the people you got your fire insurance with has gone bankrupt [Laughter] [Applause] so he said my house is gone my wife is gone the stables is gone he said I got no insurance he said well as the mat was the good news he said the good news is that all this heat are brought to tomato plant on the fortnight but my wife utter knickers still run on jump off the clothesline there's some funny bastards about they stole our knickers in anyway she reported it to the police she said I'm not worried about the knickers it's just a 14 clothes pegs it was older than up but no helmet the greatest song ever wrote was a song about a town in Somerset that Simon and Garfunkel stole from me when I wrote it originally I called it trouble over Bridgewater and then Bassett ruled it the concern last week and I found this in but it's not official businesses this hanging on the roof of pub the Jethro's at loo down and I asked what it bores and you see as you see it's an opera it's it's adjustable and I couldn't work it but what didn't eventually I felt it what it he said a seventeenth-century a dog carrier when they used to hunt the basset hounds if your dog went lame you put his head in the thing secure him behind and of course he carried home this is an illegal piece of apparatus that should be left and died years ago in the centres of which it belongs so I don't want to see any more of these being a manufactured Belgium it had been enjoyable meeting I shall see you next Friday at which time we want to bring up about a boy that was in court in Corollas and the prosecutor said and what do you do on the 8th of March this year and he said bugger all your honor of the judge a little bit of hard-of-hearing said to the clerk of the court he said what would that boy say he said the boy said bugger all sir he says something you'd toss her I saw his illusion so he should bringing that up next week if there's no question from the floor thank you for the time as you know I'm a very very busy man and I've got to go and solve the rotation problem tomorrow thank you [Music] hello darlin let me get my lid a light little gentleman I thank you for being a wonderful audience tonight but now and I'm I'd like to say what a wonderful night have had but the police stopped me on Barden and more last week he said you was doing 90 miles an hour I said I wasn't he said you were doing 90 miles an hour I stopped I was not doing 90 miles an hour and he went to look in the cubby hole I said don't look in there there's a loaded revolver in there and I might as well tell you there's a dead body in the boot I just shot my wife and I bared her temple four turnings he summoned assistance 13 police cars turned up two helicopters they closed the road off and the Chief of Police got out there and he pulled me out and threw me on the bonnet he said my officer tells me you've got a dead body in your boot and a loaded revolver in your cubbyhole and I said I bet that lying bastard said I was doing 90 mile an hour as well [Music] [Applause] [Music] allow job you've never read much about me in the paper I bought lived the private life and surely to retire and then a little bit about my private when I was a young man working the carbon to sharpen Sun just at the age of 19 with a terrible accident for the bounce so I cut my [ __ ] off when I was only 19 years of age and they told me to the doctor the doctor said well he never be any good for anything and he'll you never saw a child but he said you'll need something to piddle through we must sew on something to replace your car but at that time in sand just there was a visiting circus and very sadly the baby elephant had just passed away a new passenger in front of me and Billy's smart circus very kindly donated the elephant's trunk said that a young 19 year old youth can have his own [ __ ] I never took it out in public and I let never let anybody know that I had a baby elephant's trunk in me knickers for the best six months later I was sitting at the dinner table and there was a lovely dark lady sitting across that I quite fancied and this thing started to stir in my pants and what happened then I can't believe lounger my fly front flew open and this thing slithered across the table grabbed the bun and disappeared back mature [Music] [Applause] she said I bet you can do that again I said what I think Mikako but I don't know if my ass will take another big fun night [Music] last Sunday morning we was in church and promises pokin on that have sung up in the church gallery ever since 1940 soon in the high note she reached up for in the Hallelujah course she went up to I on her old toes and gee she threw herself out of the gallery little doe the poor old mrs. pokin horn come hurtling through the church roof lucky enough and knickers caught in the rafter and there's mrs. pokin or not bungee jumping integer and the vicars day any man that looks at that unfortunate wound may the Lord strike him blind and denzil's and I think I'll just chance water [Applause] but I'm getting older Lyon dominant I know I'm getting older the tell-tale signs are already there only last week I was watching a porno video and I thought by god that bed looks comfortable [Applause] [Music] fillet on bellmen Pyrenees just come through on the dilemma o'clock news that Colonel Gaddafi is in hiding and he's surrounded by 50 virgins and the police are not looking in the Gunners leg area [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] here's a little song for the Cornish people in tonight Jonah must have written this one between us it's a song we wrote about any Cornish people in president yeah you never heard this one I've never heard it I mean nobody verdict cuz I'm gonna make it up as I go if you could keep your legs together madam you are causing a little bit of back at work release never brush and tidy the bloody thing out from here looks like the rooks are nesting upside down this is meant to be the serious method it is Hillsong for the corners but let her go funk see where we get props a shared letter if anything [Music] I saw the light in the harbor at all Harold I saw the sunlight playing golden on the sea I felt the winter chill and with in November there will always be home to you I saw a carpet of course growing all over I saw the Cargill ships in founders I walked the golden sands of tenon they go bald all this will always be my memory a car well the people still live free it's where I love to be warm poor now the Neymar is in my I'm coming back do you like more I saw the miners 20,000 marched to London to fight for something that they didn't I heard a choir in sin just they sang like where the that Scaleform team I saw the farmers work their line from going to sunset and there's nowhere else on earth I saw the trawlers brave the storm of the coast of Berlin to go and catch something for the children in Cornwall where the children still play free it's where I long to be in for more Oh no the Tamar is in my view and I'm coming back to you like on a cold and stormy night in December I saw the bravest men that I shall ever seen when they gave their lives trying to save other that famous lightbulb law out of 10 for caramel where the people still walk through it where I long to be in corner now the Tamar is in my dear I'm coming back feel like now the Tamar is in my view I'm walking over you the Cornwall [Music] or [Music] Thank You team let me come to the club for 20 years [Applause] the third station and I've said to the girl as the good morning I said how long will it take this train to get the Campbell she said she's a second I said say Guevara and I Goblin in the carriage and there's a woman sitting right opposite me with a miniskirt and no knickers well you don't know where to look do I said well it's gonna be a rough summer the rooks are nesting upside-down what was embarrassing for me because I had my trousers she said he seven is that an erection you've got there young man has it don't you thing you're turning me on without furburger and that's what I'll let you know I've lived far too close to the woods to be frightened by Hedgehog she's a what is that lump in your trouser Ryan and make up someone bloody quick I did I said if you must know I said it's payday that I had about my wages a little bit of bonus and I said that's my wages you can see well she said you've got a very good boss you've had two Rises since I've been walked and then the guard come on he's is the biggest black man I've ever seen he is I never see must have gone sleep in the prison Reno's eyes and I said how long before we get the cowboy Camberley said we'll be about ten minutes I said that'll be fantastic woman he said if you gotta get off a Camborne oh yes I said I gotta see a man call slip elantra Mascis that Campbell on the state but he said it's Wednesday do you realize that this Wednesday do you realize that is Wednesday and they said we don't stop Campbell wins you I said well you girls saw because I got get off but he said we don't stop camera whizzes and they said we never have stopped can burn wages and he said I don't think we ever will stop kappa wages because we never have we never have stop kappa wages but I said I've gotta get off but he said we don't stop I said I think I heard you mention that earlier he said you'll have to go churro walk back I said I can't do that he's what he said we don't stop camera lenses and he said I said well if you won't stop you bastard I said I'll pull the cord hammy said don't pull the cord you'll have to pay a fine and fill in forms he said his half of the job he said have you gonna get off yes I said I'd go get off you prick well he still I can assure you that we don't stop Campbell whizzes but I will have a word with the driver and see if I can get the driver to slow up going through Camborne if you've got to get off I said I go you know which is the we don't stop us well he come back he said the driver who told me to tell you that they don't stop camel Wednesday but he will slow as well as the world Michael news it will all hang you out the window for one arm and you start to run in midair when I think you're running at the right speed I shall drop you crush we come in the Cameroon the bastard never slowed up at all he was splendid flying he must have been a hundred mile out rejected it he bled of Lion and this grand old black bugger hang near the window he's a rather fat guts pick your feet out loud I split his lion he said faster faster I put my money know that my pocket ice let its lion it's a faster and when he dropped me Christ I went up the platform like a cut cat I've said the next problem is is the platform going to be alone after his stop and the carriages was goodbye middle I thought well they don't stop Campbell winces but I don't give it over because I'm on the platform anyway the fact I'm still doing 75 miles an hour [Applause] it's nothing to do with it and you know the next carriage Kabam a man put his arm out the door dragged me in terribly sick you're lucky to catch this train [Applause] he said he'd oh stop Campbell where's Len gentle good I guess he could that Richard is the word mr. McMurphy was invited to reveal the length of his Richard we're sorry get out get out right yeah I stay there I'll get to get down there and to keep the prize locally they invited a certain mr. Denzo from birth II to reveal the length of his Rishabh

Channel: ELTON JOHN ARCHIVE

Views: 794,237

Rating: 4.3906422 out of 5

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Id: RO-uKuwyT8U

Length: 74min 3sec (4443 seconds)

Published: Tue Dec 23 2014