"Family Guy" Creator Seth MacFarlane Class Day | Harvard Commencement 2006

hi I'm Neil Mesa and I'm class marshal from Lowell house hi I'm hon Albert success marshal from Mather house we are here to introduce the man you've all been waiting to hear Seth MacFarlane in case you weren't excited already we'd like to share some fun facts about our accomplished class day speaker Steph studied animation at the Rhode Island School of Design where he created his first animated short film executives at hanna-barbera were impressed and encouraged Seth to move to Los Angeles to create and direct a short film for them he worked on numerous animated series including Ace Ventura and Johnny Bravo but his greatest public success came when Fox asked him to create a prime time animated series Seth is the creator and executive producer for the hit show Family Guy which centers which centers on the comings and goings of a unique and hilarious New England family one of the show's most beloved characters is one-year-old Stewie the precocious baby of the family who like many of you plans to take over the world Seth provides the voice for Stewie as well as for Peter the family's dim-witted patriarch for Brian the family's erudite pet dog for quagmire their sex-crazed neighbor and for many other characters he's also a driving force behind the animation writing music and direction of the series he has won two Emmys for Family Guy 1 for outstanding voiceover performance and another for outstanding music and lyrics Fox canceled Family Guy in 2002 but the show's passionate fan base and stellar DVD sales convinced Fox to put the show back on the air last year the show's popularity among college students is unparalleled on the facebook.com users both at Harvard and nationwide lists Family Guy as their favorite TV show topping others like The Simpsons The OC and even 24 now that's enough talking from us we're ready to give this a traditional Harvard welcome before he takes the stage it seems today that all you see are our amazing classmates and Jim Lehrer on TV but where is that good old-fashioned humor on which we used to rely lucky there's our classmate guy lucky there's a man today you positively can't say all the things that make us laugh and cry he's our last day guy please welcome Seth MacFarlane's thank you very much wait I there's nowhere I'd rather be on a day like this than around all this electrical equipment good afternoon distinguished academics my name is Seth MacFarlane for those of you who recognize me I'd like to say mom dad Harris thanks for coming but please wait in the car I know that many of you know me only for my voice and it may be a bit jarring to see me speak in person you thinking yourself boy it's strange to hear that voice coming out of that face and that sense I'm a lot like Celine Dion I'm not calling her silly-looking but if you meet her in person I'll give you a dollar if you can find her nose to tell the truth I don't even know why you guys invited me I mean this is this is Harvard this is the most prestigious College in the world I went to the Rhode Island School of Design an art school whose only athletic institution is a hockey team called the nads the mascot is a giant penis named scrotie go to a game I swear to god I'm not making that up Harvard has created brilliant throngs of doctors lawyers authors scientists I created a TV show where a vaudeville era barbershop quartet sings a song about aids your grandchildren will boast impressive salaries and trust funds my grandchildren will owe money to the FCC but one thing we do have in common is the glittering jewel that is New England like many of you I hail from this great region Connecticut to be precise and while I treasure my formative years in the land of chowder lobster and gonorrhea that's that's too STD jokes in the first five minutes I should have proof read this thing I am here to tell you about the place I live now the real world there's no dress rehearsal no take-home tests no rough drafts if you unconstitutionally wiretap people's phones you will be taken down if you shoot someone in the face with a shotgun you'll reap the consequences if you illegally invade a sovereign nation to secure oil interests and ass wash a personal vendetta you'll be re-elected but I'm not here to bludgeon you with my political beliefs I'm not here to slam current former and undeserving celebrities now I'm here because I have great love and respect for this fine establishment you see it was always a fantasy no a fetish of mine to be a Harvard student so over the last four years I have secretly been living amongst you eating in your dining halls attending your classes sleeping with your women and in a tragic case of miscommunication sleeping with Lawrence Summers although god bless him the man has the hands of a prison doctor and what I've learned from my undercover expedition into your tributary civilization of advanced physics law biology business economics and weed I know it seems odd that that would be a major but it's actually very interesting classes are held at Cabot house we live there man thesaurus that's what you sound like what I have learned is that you like Family Guy so I could stand up here and drone on for the next 15 minutes but I know that's not what you want you're like my mother in that you don't want to hear from me you just want to hear the voices so I'd like to turn things over to my colleague from TV land to offer you his perspective on your progress greetings citizens of Hammond as I look out on this sea of black Asian faces I think to myself one thought take that Hitler because we won yeah Harvard is pound-for-pound the smartest of all your frickin schools in fact I hope one day my son Chris will go to Harvard okay you know what I'm just jacking myself off there but you know maybe one of my kids I mean Meg's got the look of a hobbit Dale but I'm not sure she's got the luck not sure she's got the brains going on she probably do better one of those real lesbian colleges like Smith a Yale now I know all you stuffer your types are probably thinking who the hell does Peter Griffin think he is preacher to us he didn't even finish college well I can drink a case of Budweiser in 10 minutes flat so stuff it up your darkest mister wodsworth douching tin v but the rusty they seem like stand-up guys and girls and tomorrow you smart kids are going to be sitting there and you're cool caps and gowns looking like that owl on the wise potato chip bags I see you out there thinking ponder and pontificating using words like subterfuge fuselage and MSNBC you remind me of many of the smart young people I know Doogie Howser Malcolm in the Middle and Donatello of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and we need more smart people like you you know I mean I get into my car every morning and I think how does my car work what makes it move I get in this thing and it just knows how the hell does that happen I don't understand what you guys do and for that I walk in your shadow the next wave of great inventions is going to come from you guys I mean how many times have you said I'd like some cheese right now and before smart people came along you had to wait for a cow to die and rot in the Sun or something but now BAM aerosol cheese cheese that sprays out of like a paint can you know whoever invented spray cheese had to have been a Harvard dad well let's say you see a commercial for one of them Soloflex things and you want to order one so you can get in shape even though everybody says you got to be gay to have a Soloflex but I don't think you got to be gay to have a Soloflex so you run and get a pencil there were write down the phone number and you trip and fall and hurt your knee but before smart people came along you had to sit there and pain just going but now band-aids how'd it be a Harvard guy you know I never stood in front of so many smart people before who knows sitting out there in our audience maybe a future President of the United States and when he's elected you'll say that guy Barry but the guy walked down the hallway freshman year with his nuts hanging out he's the president now the guy who crapped his pants at the fly Club and he didn't even go home after that he sat there and had four more beers then he went home from that chick went home with that chick from Everest the guy who passed out in the showers and then we wrote all over his face with magic marker he walked around for two days with the faded word douchebag written on his forehead he had no idea I used to pee in that guy's shampoo bar and now he's president the American people just elected president p-head but at least you guys'll have the goods on him you can call him up and say a president p-head I peed in your shampoo so make me secretary or something and it'll turn out that peeing at some guys shampoo bottle was the best career move you ever made that's our life works sometimes I like to think there are no dumb ideas listen as smart as you kids are don't get to I am waiting because I happen to know a certain Cindy head janitor who's smarter than all of you put together that's right the guy who sold that math problem was a janitor and we all know what that got him a date with Minnie Driver and that big Easter Island had a hearse yeah many I said it let me put it this way you like apples well your face is freakishly big for your head how do you like those apples and that will be checked so I know most of you will be shipping off to fight the war in Iraq and others will be doing missionary work in Africa but remember some of you that Wall Street is still an option don't rule it out because it is a noble profession goldman sachs needs people to and here's a tip for you Digital just think about that the future is going digital I don't know what that means but just remember who told that to you well that's about it for me because I get a run TBS is showing that episode of Diff'rent Strokes where Ronald and utterly get inappropriately touched by a guy from WKRP in Cincinnati so to pass it over to Stewie but let me leave you with this piece of advice it's a very simple piece of advice and each person here will interpret it in their own way and it is this good day to you good afternoon ladies and gentlemen it is indeed an honor to address the denizens of the hallowed grounds of Harvard where boys can be boys girls girls can be girls and those in between can create student groups to be better about their lack of romantic options so it's one day before graduation that's one more night to get that roommate to kill himself so you can get straight A's you might want to remind him how he never got laid and how these were the best years tap him on the shoulder and remind him that his parents didn't come today and if worse comes to worse push him out the goddamn window now I may not be the hippest cat in the world but I do know something about the way you college students think and I know who your heroes are and at the top of that list is a fellow who mubarik you regard as the very epitome of the cutting edge of cool the trends that he sets you follow without question and when he opens his mouth you young people take it as gospel of course I'm talking about your precious Paragon of current popular culture the Fonz well let me tell you this he doesn't know everything he drives a motorcycle which is incredibly dangerous he wears his trouser two trousers too tight which inhibits sperm production and friends if you eat a jukebox with your fists you're just going to break it so suffice it to say I know how your minds work I know what you're thinking on this day of your advancement into adulthood you're wondering to yourselves what can I expect from the outside world when I find my niche what should I know about the vast territory that lies behind the on the confines of my little subculture of textbooks ramen noodles coin-operated laundry and TV shows that seem to think they can skate by with random jokes about giant chickens that have absolutely nothing to do with the overall narrative the boys at South Park are absolutely correct those cutaways and flashbacks have nothing to do with the story they're just there to be funny that is a shallow indulgence that South Park is quite above and for that I salute them but to my point what is out there but I can't tell you all the correct paths to traverse but I can tell you some things to avoid number one don't get a tattoo of a Chinese character on your Fanny if you don't understand the language tattoo removal services are making a killing off of people's stupidity because Little Miss individuality walks into the tattoo parlor and gets an Asian symbol she thinks means spiritual woman but that she later finds out means sugar substitute number two don't be taken in by idiotic popular songs that profess to be deeper than they are last year Gwen Stefani released a little ditty entitled holla back girl a few weeks later she was asked during an interview what does hollaback girl mean to which she replied what do you think it means so apparently each one of us is invited to create our own translation for what she is saying to us my translation is he's hey Stewie its Gwen would you please send me a bird flu sandwich number three stay away from the church in the Battle of a science versus religion science offers credible evidence for all the serious claims it makes the church says it's right here in this book so either one written by people who thought the Sun was magic I for one would like to see some proof that there is a God and if you say a baby's smile I'm going to kick you right in the stomach number four always have at least one friend who's a Jew number five do not create a television series about a group of people who crash land on an island if you don't know where you're going with it don't just make it up as you go along because if you do it's going to start sucking very quickly I'm talking of course about Desperate Housewives which is just awful teri hatcher you're a beautiful woman but please grow old gracefully and without the facial work you're not allowed to have an exoskeleton unless you're a Beatle number six if you ever fall into a deep depression then nothing can cheer you up don't give up hope just remember that the man who played mr. Belvedere once sat on his own balls and had to be rushed to the hospital which is absolutely hilarious number seven do not get into politics in Florida because you might accidentally run into Katherine Harris this is a woman who could stand next to Hitler and people would say who's the number eight do not wear a wool cap indoors in the middle of the summer unless you are either a douchebag or Colin Farrow yes Colin I see you there with your wound camp what you got going on under that wool cap hmm thinking about your sideburns it looks like you've got a little rip in your jeans there - yeah that's rebellious yeah you're a bad boy Society wants those jeans to be intact but you'll have none of it will you but you know looking out there into the audience I see so many bright young faces poised and ready to thrust themselves into the very hearts of America's political and financial institutions and seize control of the levers of power at any cost some would call you elitist over privileged and preening with a snotty sense of entitlement I call you my base now I can see by the looks on your faces that some of you disagree with me you think you can hold on to those lofty visions of a life of nobility hmm still have your ideals do you can use that big brain Yeol's to make a difference I'm gonna make the world a better place be an agent for change volunteer I'm gonna get a job in the public sector sacrifice the big bucks cuz that doesn't matter to you maybe spend a few here in the here's the Peace Corps save the whales maybe maybe join the Environmental Defense Council recycle rivers like JFK jr. given a tree moment is illegal and for the other privilege Africa well you're going to sell out and now brave graduates I shall pass the verbal baton to our final speaker gentlemen and coeds I would like to wish you all a good giggety and to tell you it is an honor to be standing before you today at this fine establishment I feel a tremendous sense of accomplishment being here because I've banged chicks in every school in the Ivy League except Harvard you are by far the toughest to get into I'll keep my remarks brief today because I'm meeting two women and an animal handler at Hong Kong's in about 20 minutes oh right last time I was here I had sex with a woman at the New England Aquarium where it's fun to find out in fact when I come to Boston I sleep with a different woman every night of the week except Wednesday because in Boston's historic North End Wednesday is Prince spaghetti day I respect education and I've drawn deep inspiration from the classics as my favorite poet Henry Wadsworth Longfellow once said it's going to tempt your tummy with a taste of nuts and honey it's a honey of a know it's honey nut cheerios and if I may I would like to paraphrase Dickens but instead of Christmas traditions I am speaking today of vaginas when I say they have never put one scrap of gold in my pocket but they bring a smile to my face so therefore I declare them good if there is one message I can leave you with this afternoon it is this although you were graduating and moving on to those uncharted new frontiers of adult life never leave behind that sense of experimentation that bareback sense of adventure and openness stay young keep looking at the world with a sense of wide-leg wonder giggity-giggity and good luck to you all thank you very much hi I'm Aaron Chadbourne class marshal from Lowell house and I'm Christina Adams the class marshal from Quincy house on behalf of the class of 2006 it is our pleasure to thank you Seth MacFarlane for your insightful and incredibly entertaining remarks you may not realize it now but it seems somehow appropriate to have had you as our class days figure today for many members of our class it was your humor and Stewie's wisdom that helped get us through four otherwise serious years of Harvard we consider it a privilege you were here to address the class of 2006 on this day celebrating the culmination of our Harvard experience an honor to commemorate your first visit to Harvard in order to join our class the senior class marshals and all the senior class committee have decided to bestow upon you what we consider to be the greatest honor that any individual can achieve at Harvard or in the world honorary membership in the class of 2006 we are fortunate and honored to count you among us in addition to this certificate we would like to present you with what for many of us practically became a uniform during exam period

Channel: Harvard University

Views: 552,746

Rating: 4.8266573 out of 5

Keywords: Family Guy (TV Program), Seth MacFarlane (TV Writer), Harvard University (College/University), Graduation (Field Of Study), graduation speech, commencement speech, Comedy (Film Genre), commencement address

Id: YOBK-xBOFcc

Length: 25min 9sec (1509 seconds)

Published: Fri Jan 30 2015

Reddit Comments

[u/Playcrackersthesky]

I got to " snap snap it seems today, that all you'll see-"

And noped the fuck out.

[u/AC_Slater25]

wew lad

They sound like me when I'm singing along to a song in the car and then the volume cuts off and I hear how awful I sound for that split second before I shamefully stop myself.

[u/69SRDP69]

There is no way they aren't tone deaf.

[u/[deleted]]

So much brain and so little social skills.

[u/skyvex1]

Poor Seth.

[u/crakerfase]

The whole act was cringy. I don't think he would get away with half the things he said in that speech due to all the imposed stigma in recent years..

[u/Jimbojet0]

Check out the chick at 5:30

[u/[deleted]]

i cant

[u/random_fucktuation]

Please welcome Seth MacFarlanD? Is that what he said?