Andy Samberg's speech at Harvard

student so without further ado our 2012 class day guest speaker Andy Samberg Sorry Sorry stop the music sorry what happened there that song is just so emotion I just met that guy oh all right I'm gonna just have to compose myself the show must go on here students faculty parents grandparents uncles that weren't invited but showed up anyway handsome young janitors who are secretly math geniuses and the homeless guy from with honors my name is Andy Sandberg and I am as honored to be here today as I am unqualified there's a storied history of incredible class day speakers here at Harvard Nobel Prize laureate mother Teresa former US President Bill Clinton and now me the fake rap Weiner songs guy I'm also just over the moon to be receiving an honorary degree here today I mean never in my wildest dreams did I with that no degree so what I'm just like I'm just like a professor or oh nothing then why am I here Dean Hammonds you lied to me RLS is this crappy speech then yeah I flew my folks in here we go class of 2012 you are graduating from college that means this is the first day of the last day of your life no that's wrong this is the last day of the first day of school nope that's worse ah this is a day you know I to turn to Webster's dictionary and it defined Harvard as the season for gathering crops and admittedly that's actually the definition of harvest but it was the closest word I could find to Harvard that wasn't a proper noun and in the end isn't that what Harvard is really about though planting the seeds of knowledge that eventually produce crops aka money in order to satisfy the farmers your parents who pay like forty five thousand crops a year to send you to harvest just so you could major in women's agriculture see what I'm doing before we move on the world outside of Harvard has asked me to make a quick announcement the following majors are apparently useless as of tomorrow history literature all things related to art social studies East Asian Studies pretty much anything that ends with studies Romance languages and finally folklore and mythology come on guys just study something useful and play World of Warcraft in your free time okay anyhow all those majors now useless unless you can somehow turn them into an iPhone app math and science majors do you guys are cool yeah finally but 2012 is a great time to be graduated from college sure the job markets a little slow sure our healthcare and social security systems are going to evaporate in five years sure you'll have to work till you're 80 to support your 110 year old parents who will live forever because of nanotechnology sure the concept of love will soon disappear leaving us all lonely robots ready to kill our best friend for a lukewarm cup of microchips soup but that doesn't matter because tomorrow you graduate from harvest Harvard from Harvard it's where you will graduate now I'm sure a lot of you were looking up here and thinking what makes this guy so special you know what is he accomplished he didn't even go to Harvard well to you I say this I didn't even apply too hard okay because I knew I wouldn't get in boom suck on that I don't accept you esteem College I break up first I move on and you see me with my hot new girlfriend she's riding shotgun in my convertible Sebring that's right it's the one that Harvard was always begging me to rent and we went up the coast and I'm just laughing and looking really fit like this even hitting the gym nope just eating right and making positive choices man I really wanted that honorary degree well I guess the old saying is true never trust Dean Hammonds regardless Harvard remains iconic in our culture one thing that sticks out in my mind is the central role this campus played and one of the most important films ever made about social connections and how we communicate I'm referring of course to 1986 whimsical blackface Rob's soul man starring C thomas Howell as a white student posing as an african-american in order to exploit affirmative action he was in Harvard Law in that movie and that movie exists now most of you don't know this yet but Harvard is one of the few schools you can attend that can also eventually become your workplace nickname whose edamame is this in the break room probably Harvard's whose Vespa is in my parking spot I'm going with Harvard's in fact once you graduate you can never wear your Harvard sweatshirt in public again without looking like a world-class a-hole I honestly think the coop should sell University of Michigan t-shirts that you can wear just to blend in once you're out of here and to clarify when I say the coop I mean your campus bookstore and not famous film actor Bradley Cooper whom I also refer to as the coop and who also sells books and sweatshirts in his free time speaking of Fame Harvard has many famous alumni Mark Zuckerberg Bill Gates just a few ex students that started successful businesses after dropping out which means if you're in this crowd today and graduating you're destined to be a massive failure sorry those are just the facts also a fact class day is a terrible name for a day when you don't have to go to class like ever again it's pretty much like calling New Year's Eve so bright a night hey you're going out for sobriety night yeah it's gonna suck and now on a more literary note I'd like to read a poem by the great WB Yeats which is actually pronounced Yeats a lot of people don't know that thanks for the heads up Barney Frank anyways this is a truly beautiful and poignant passage from the 1929 collection the winding stair and other poems and I think it's especially applicable to today's ceremonies it goes like this this is how we do it this is how to do it it's Friday night and I feel all right hit the shore cuz I'm faded honey's in the streets say money yeah we made it there's more but you get it classic heats an important poet now while I am truly excited to be here today I'll be honest at 33 years of age I haven't endured or lived that much more than you guys so in order to give you a broader scope of what's to come I reached out and asked for some words of wisdom from some people that I thought were relevant to your experience here the aforementioned Mark Zuckerberg who was a Harvard student was kind enough to send me some remarks that I will relate to you now oh hey guys it's me mark or as my friend Kofi Annan calls me chuckleberry Finn he thought of that I just wanted to give a quick congrats to you all but really more of a congrats to me you know since I left things have gone so good you guys like a six-year-olds fantasy of the future good in fact I recently completed the Harvard trifecta start your own company have a movie made about you and marry an Asian doctor trifecta so everyone out there be sure to upgrade to timeline and lay off the Pinocchio's pizza oh I went to Harvard that's what he had to say I also asked for you know the local experience I asked Massachusetts native Mark Wahlberg to send over some thoughts for you guys and here's what he had to say hey Harvard has gone so you guys are graduating huh I think that's great dude we should do a film together what do you think guys are super smart right I used two prosthetic penis and Boogie Nights okay just think about it say hi to your mother for me okay he asked me to say that to you guys and then finally I asked block blockbuster superstar Nick Cage for some remarks now I realize he didn't go to Harvard and he's not from Boston but he has a special connection to this place that I'll let him explain here's what he wrote good afternoon as I write to you I'm currently digging a tunnel into the bowels of the Widener Library when I finally breach its mighty walls I will steal the legendary Gutenberg Bible and return it to its rightful owner Steve Guttenberg you know I've seen some weird stuff in my day in Istanbul I saw a small child swallow a pelican hole in the Sahara Desert I saw a herd of oxen fly into a portal and disappear from our world forever but no matter what I've seen there's been one thing I've held to be true love is the most powerful force this universe has to offer and we should show kindness to all around us with the exception of Dean Hammonds who is a filthy liar and that my friends is the true meaning of Hanukkah I'd love to keep writing but now the time has come for me to ride onto my next adventure what's that you ask simple I'm gonna have sex with the statue of John Harvard and those are my three impressions thank you guys late night television led me straight here uh now we've been paying a lot of attention to the students here today but I want to take a moment and acknowledge all the parents in particular I want to give a shout out to all the moms in the house give it up absolutely our mom's our moms put up with so much and they ask for so little and as I look out at all the beautiful mothers here today I can't help but be filled with an overwhelming sense of horniness oh yes you're a fine crop indeed and I likes me some older ladies they know how to do stuff you know what I mean so do all the moms open invitation nobody gots to know about it now before all you dad's out there get upset I mean no just no disrespect really and you got to be something special if you've got such fine ladies on your arms in fact as they look at all these strong loyal men I can't help but be filled with an overwhelming sense of horniness oh yes see a lot of silver foxes out there today and Harvard ain't cheap where my sugar daddies at yeah I see you you don't have to raise your hand open invitation gentlemen nobody GATS to new and now I'd like to get a little serious as you move forward in the world there will be obstacles but every challenge is a chance for success you know what I'm sorry I had a whole inspirational section of this prepared but it just feels phony now so I'm gonna scrap these scripted words and just speak to you guys from the heart yeah this stuff is much more from the heart look the things I'm about to say to you aren't to make any friends and they're not for some cheap applause okay it's real talk and it comes from my soul so listen up Yale sucks balls am i right Cheers right other the worst Yael asked me to do their class Day speech but I could make it to the stage because I kept slipping in all their drool it's like a second-tier safety school in the worst city in America guys I'm kidding New Haven's nicer now then Rwanda little don't fact about Yale it was built on top of an ancient Native American toilet meat it's no wonder they're called the Bulldogs they're a bunch of big-headed inbreds with breathing problems and that comes with my apologies to any inbreds here today don't let anyone compare you to a Yalie and like this all might sound harsh but in truth Yale is basically a sewer filled with mold people only replace the word people with stinky dried up dog turds that hate laughter and puppies and that's my heart stuff you guys from my soul for some of you who might have been tough to hear but I felt it was my duty to give it to you straight also quick confession I know literally nothing about you but I will say this darkness can burn in hell ah class day you know it's hard to know where life will take you from here what adventures will have which sitcoms you'll write for but my advice to you is simple relax dude you just finished college at Harvard you worked so hard trust me you're gonna kill him I went to Santa Cruz and then I transferred to film school and I'm rich okay and I don't mean spiritually rich or any hippie crap like that I'm talking about racks on racks believe it I'm being a little hyperbolic to seem cool but I am up against mother Teresa on this thing okay have you guys YouTube her class day speech she was like krumping and throwing bags of money into the crowd I'm going to take some liberties but in the days ahead a lot of people will tell you to trust your instincts and don't be afraid to take chances and I am definitely one of those people but I would also say this don't rush into the next phase of your life whether it's grad school at Harvard or grad school at MIT or massively disappointing your parents by exploring your art made out of garbage thing whatever it is you try make sure it's what you really want to do because the only person who knows what that is is you and if all else fails just remember these beautiful words from the film Dead Poets Society new my deal is dead by boy which now that I've said out loud did not quite drive home my point as much as I had hoped in fact I'm realizing that only like 7% of what I've said today has been at all helpful or even passable as English but in the end I feel I'm only truly qualified to give you three simple tips on how to succeed in life one cut a hole in a box to put your junk in said box three make her or him open the box and that's the way you do it also I can't believe I'm about to say this but Dean Hammonds I forgive you bygones be bygones already got that sweet degree from Santa Cruz and film school anyway so thank you graduates Godspeed and congratulations play the ease you

Channel: Harvard Magazine

Views: 5,816,259

Rating: 4.9041767 out of 5

Keywords: Andy, Samberg, commencement, speech

Id: 3ImSbixBsOk

Length: 21min 26sec (1286 seconds)

Published: Wed May 23 2012

Reddit Comments

[u/vReCoNoRv]

Tough crowd, shame for Samberg. Funny though!

[u/Gspot6]

I expected it to be a tough crowd. It's harvard. I'm sure it's safe to say most of them are stuck-up. Also, unimpressed blonde at 3:54, bottom right corner.

[u/[deleted]]

I upvoted you because it's something people will want to see, but I want to upvote you for lying when you said Hilarious. Very disappointed.

[u/accidentially_a_word]

I was there when he gave the speech. The video makes it seem like not everyone was laughing, but I can assure you, everyone in my sight range was cracking up the entire speech.

[u/Commandertoast]

Dat nose.

[u/EdenPronovost]

He's so cute.

[u/MartinLutherKingKong]

Lost it at the Dead Poets Society quote.

[u/bruitdefond]

Is that barney frank at 6:50 scoping samberg's tush then adjusting his crotchal region? Methinks it is!

[u/Brownmagic012]

That crowd was not impressed haha. I still wished we had something like that. I think Bill Gates and him rambling on about his accomplishments would be a better suited toward the less 'loose' asian and up-tight parents. Still think Andy killed it!