Everything Wrong With Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: Secret of the Ooze

in memory of Jim Henson here's a low-rent turtle sequel complete with the vanilla ice salt why is this movie acting like the first movie made eating pizza in New York I think this would be like Caddyshack - acting like an embedded golf which one of you lucky girls gets a ride with me tonight this kid never learned the cardinal rule of employment never hit on anyone at work especially if you deliver pizza well what I do I'll dream with something a little thinner movie promotes fat shaming also this kid's life hold it huh you guys are under arrest seriously you guys are under arrest this teenage martial arts master is still delivering pizzas these other thieves didn't even hear all the commotion outside so they could be surprised dicks also who plans to rob an entire mall with the lights on and how many thieves signed on to rob this place are we sure it's not a flash mob also this kid has very little to worry about this is anything like the last movie all these guys will take turns trying to fight Oh acting how did these [ __ ] hear about the robbery in progress oh they live right across the street now how convenient good even though these turtle mutants were created in the sewers of New York they have Southern California accents with the exception of Raphael collected cheese did this movie just get self-referential also his bizarre word choice just robbed Michelangelo if his turn to say a word Donatello reminds us that rawhide and Robocop existed for no reason where does he think he is in a future DreamWorks movie wait wait wait wait they wait so here comes that great debate are these stupid criminals or are they criminally stupid I admit there's no wrong answer you know when you can tell you're in an imitation sandwich shop they misspelled Reuben get ready for all the random guys the turtles fight throughout this movie to do a lot of standing around oh wow where well that leaves a why and when doesn't it kids love journalism humor didn't they say they were gonna tie them up looks like they suddenly got lazy and just stack them up wait hey really our team's stealing is bad kids so if you take something that doesn't belong to you leave a few bucks behind I know you you're uh uh April on April O'Neil yeah the news lady awkward character introduction also new actress grocery bag has a large bag at hanging out of it cliche Langella leonardo Donatello and Raphael pranks comics skateboarding and working out our convenient personality markers in case you can't remember which turtle wears which color mask also April agreed to let the turtles and splinter crash at her place what's more the extremely cautious splinter seems to be okay with this arrangement to putting April in more danger also what happened to Casey Jones didn't they force-feed that romance to us in the last movie whoa pretty much work out they're constantly feeling the need to make some sort of mouth sound it's the absolute opposite of being discreet which is one of the main rules of being a ninja and one of the primary things splinter asks you to do Michelangelo's pizza should look like a hot mess based on all this shaking but it seems totally fine we brought it in that's racist ninja pizza picks up that banish quickly without trace it's also resistant a trap it's a little tough what about 500 members of that Foot Clan know where you live you knows right what you know I took the time to rewatch the first movie to make sure I'd know what was going on when I watch this one but it's clear to me now that was totally unnecessary she was just getting up here earlier about the house being messy yet here she is contributing to the problem wasn't shredder brutally compacted at the end of the last movie I mean sure this is a work of fiction where anything can happen but he was brutally compacted right is the old recuperate in a landfill trick also evil persons hand reaching out of the ground cliche she's the best man from those that may follow the reporter movie basically just explained why the turtles and splinter living at April's apartment is the dumbest thing ever it's nice to find a company that's doing something to help its techno global research industries spokesman Professor Jordan Perry April is a reporter anymore she now does televised press releases excuse me professor did April now prep the professor for this interview it's entirely possible he doesn't know about it and she's just bothering him at work hey Paul is it more entertaining or more annoying that Michelangelo is eating a bread stick at a decibel level that is beyond impossible and obviously boosted in post-production for maximum annoyance this is supposed to be funny because it's happening to ruff I know but it's also actually happening to us I can still hear it what exactly is he referring to he has no ears would you mind if I asked you a bottle another tool Oh drat you know we're gonna have to do it another time good cover professor no one suspects that you just made that up oh we gonna well I don't know based on that interview in this line of questioning I'm not sure she's qualified to be a journalist got to take care of this now did this guy think Little Shop of Horrors was a documentary if not I don't really understand his urgency area that is explicitly off-limits to the general public is poorly guarded cliche Danny Lyons what he meant to say was giant plastic flower this guy basically runs out into the open with the secret giant dandelion and somehow nobody in this group of workers sees him I mean shredder was compacted right my wife Pam really spoiled our surprise by coming home to your house join me above there's no reason they couldn't have this meeting in the living room failed by a shadow too deep to penetrate annoyed by the metaphor to mix to parse huh oh it's just a glass tube carry on teach your eye splinter has never bothered to do any research into their origins whatsoever this isn't a new company and though there wasn't Google back in the day there was a thing called a phone book and this major corporation in that area was certainly listed I knew that there was something else going on with those guys what they cleaning up toxic sludge this doesn't seem like too far leap pyramids are the most scientific of all the shapes well you're the last one aren't you I say as shredders men come running into the secret lab to steal use the databases coated the whole system Ike went down this line was written by someone who doesn't know how computers work quick everyone get into position behind the turtles rather than just going ahead and kicking their asses right now why would you show them the canister why aren't you halfway to Shredder's lair yet Michelangelo throws a jar and it knocks the canister out of this guy's hand so far that Donatello can catch it these guys standing on the computers are patiently waiting their turn to have their ass kicked or they are the worst touring company of the Rockettes I have ever seen this is highly sensitive material no one seems to be concerned about breaking it this huddle seems like the perfect time for the foot to get the upper hand but they seem to be comfortable just standing around the scene was a lot better when they did it in the great Muppet Caper ninja vanish it's very helpful to tell the enemy exactly what you're about to do that's why James Bond is always yelling spy shoot first we move then we look they have to make sure they give the bad guys enough time to make some terrible creatures I didn't order any pizza oh I know what the guy in 313 did and now he doesn't seem to be there so I'll take this opportunity to barge in because I'm a licensed pizza delivery guy and why doesn't April tell this guy to cop anyway does this happen often I thought you might want to know about they claim to be ninjas but they aren't great hiders couldn't they have just gone upstairs or something I gave them all names because you barged in and noticed us and fainted we're going to tell you everything now Raphael just flip us off we what you're telling me is you guys we're all slimed hmm it wasn't slime if we zoom someone forgot to teach me the difference between slime and ooze that's an indictment on the American school system and Georgie immense desert conveniently time thunderclap is convenient this is another example of the turtles continued failure to conceal themselves when out in public have lives and two people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world Elsa is this Bogart by way of a sped-up Peter Falk also 90s teens love Bogart impressions does that stained-glass ceiling have access to daylight yeah sneezing without a nose I'm not too worried about this thing I feel like if it was actually powerful it would have ripped this flimsy enclosure apart by now business ponytail does it detached pay phone have cell phone capabilities this far underground this abandoned subway station has electricity and working phone lines hella behind sounds will no longer hold over well those aren't cells it's just a pile of hastily stacked garbage you can't do that living creatures I mean kind of all these guys gonna have to take a little test dead if you good enough we let you into the organization you've got to fight each other in a no-holds-barred karate kid' tournament considering the sheer number of people in the Foot Clan there's no way all these [ __ ] want tournaments to get it but hey it kind of sounds good for the plot of the specific movie right I knew this would work just remember when you win we find a foot headquarters um yeah why would you forget that why is he potentially blowing his cover by coming to meet you during the initiation and even worse this guy even acknowledges that after they talk holy this is stupid I don't think the dude in the glasses is the sort of teenager they're looking for on account of him being 35 you seem to be the only one worthy of a final test you'll have 15 seconds remove as many of the bells as you can the final test for this potential Foot Clan soldier is to steal bells off a mannequin quickly without making noise you know common real-world applications you run into all the time as a thief who knows martial arts also now I'm absolutely certain there shouldn't be a lot of Foot Clan soldiers after seeing these tests any more than say 15 is pushing it I mean seriously all these dumbasses passed the belt test come on all these [ __ ] wait while Raphael gives this kid a message visible butt pads we could run across something iconic and picturesque also damn this kid ran all the way back to Manhattan hasn't he ever heard of the subway Mike April April takes time out of her busy reporting schedule to be an ex back it up until the guys they got him keno plays the pronoun game so that April has to ask who they are that's a remarkably effective remind me to draw a line around later out there that's a reference for the parents spoon turd with a bow and arrow X mock it up why did you just rip my lips saw so many footplant soldiers and yet they're apparently all fighting Michelangelo and Leonardo right now and allowing Donatello to save Raphael also you see Foot Clan soldiers running by them this entire scene why did you just rip my lips saw turtle character references a thing normal humans have on the face but mutant turtles do not it really takes the fun out of it to watch action scenes like this where the soldiers are so dumb they stand around and watch individual fights and this happens right after they surround Raphael and captured him in the last scene like a good army would do they are almost the same size as you Splinter is able to show up just at the right times whenever is needed but no explanation as to how he got there of course the bora trees were crude back then and an accident was just waiting to happen way back in 1976 laboratories were still stuck in 1883 you mean to tell us if the formation of the UNS was all just a big mistake why is donnie so surprised it's clear that his entire existence is a mistake right well on our way to bury them in their collision caused us to lose one of the canisters down a sewer 15 years ago but just one it was the only canister we didn't secure with over bands and scotch tape in the back of our El Camino it ain't they helped let's face it you'd be better off staying in the Hilton wouldn't most people that's really the whole reason you said it ain't the Hilton in the first place right power lines that have one wire on them what did these old people doing in the seedy alley in the middle of the night I can only assume they're here to pick up some heroin is this guy trying to figure out how they pulled the poles down by tugging on this wire or is he just trying to look like he's working because this is actually a kids movie filled with bad actors there is no choice but to meet as the Shred though wishes I'd say there are several choices go tell the police so they can block off the area set a series of traps stay in neat pizza it's just trying to force you guys into fighting toka and Ross are again how does she know their names I've seen more of those creatures than she has and I didn't even know their names to be fair I'm not sure what the pizza delivery boys name is Kibo roulette and the potion is still going to work after this movie science - not so subtly integrate a message about recycling into the movie at the last minute don't have a Cowabunga man they wait yes it is they'll eat anything how do you know this what the [ __ ] why would they put them in ice cubes and then I guess shove them into doughnuts instead of just using the stuff as batter or a glaze it clearly just needed a way to have the bad guys find out their plan so they could have another fight scene why don't you all take the ugly one or at least two of you in the middle of this fight movie takes time to take in a vanilla ice concert also this club book Vanilla Ice one of the most popular entertainers at the time it would probably not be performing in some random club can he hear the background music yo it's the Green Machine gonna rock the town without bein seen suddenly he knows enough about the turtles to rap about them why are these people watching Vanilla Ice instead of the mutant animal fight happening right behind them that's good Riverdance I oxide is essential to the answer using the genic process I guess one ice cube and that stuff was enough to start this reaction so why did they make so much of it earlier I know you're trying to help me but you can't keep me here you know he's also just a sewer rat who should know nothing about martial arts even if this doesn't speed up the reaction squirting a fire extinguisher in their mouth will surely kill them anyway if this guy's so easy to defeat why didn't they do this shell smashing trick earlier shredder stands there dumbfounded with his special canister of ooze while a pizza delivery kid kicks it out of his hands tritter is the most useless bad guy in existence he's basically Darth Vader without any intelligence or the Force time for me to get emotionally invested in some woman in the club who we don't know could they have figured out a way to get April in the club so he could kidnap her making the stakes a little higher and she could have fallen in love with vanilla ice what well now these adorable animals are going to die because they pump compressed co2 into their mouths viola balloons he must have drank all of it the is also upgraded his outfit because you know science well he is still just as dumped because him knocking on all these post is going to cause the deck to collapse nobody could have survived that says the guy who saw shredder get compacted in the last movie also where's he getting his facts it would have hurt like hell but he is wearing armor and seemed pretty plausible that he would survive well ok then he didn't survive or didn't he when did a people get the anger job I thought she was a field reporter he sounds pretty insistent says his name's Danny this you can tell Oh all right either fear leads to anger anger leads to hate hate leads to suffering major spin psycho you know that knew fouls you looking for well listen to this

Channel: CinemaSins

Views: 1,858,577

Keywords: secret of the ooze, cinemasins, cinema sins, eww, everything wrong with, teenage mutant ninja turtles, wave jockey job, tmnt, movie review, review

Id: kdjA2cxx5j8

Length: 14min 42sec (882 seconds)

Published: Tue May 31 2016