Everything Wrong With The Mummy (2017)

Comcast introducing expanded universe logo jinxes expanded universe before the first movie in the universe even starts reading movie just whipped it's lengthy logos out three seconds ago and then forces us to stare at him again this is clearly textual harassment some guy puts the Blood Diamond in a thing and I'm supposed to be all happy because he's wearing a backpack present-day is the cop out of titles what does it even mean when the movie was shot when it was released if I watch it in 20 years will it still be present-day movies like my wife scheduling our date night just pick a time would you but today an ancient - filled with the coffins of Crusader Night exposition by news broadcast the past cannot remain buried forever now we have narration so reading exposition by news broadcast then narration all inside five minutes this movie is intentionally trying to trigger me and you know what it just might work incest Amin it can't even a little bit of this information don't be handed to the audience later The Mummy wakes up goes off kills fools then we start learning bits and pieces of all this would that be better set the god of death they made a pact you could set this Russell Crowe narration over shots from the first third of Noah and I probably wouldn't be able to tell the difference quadruple pupil I'll certainly know it looks cool but exactly how would quadruple pupil function seems to me suddenly having to process extra visual information would at least take some getting used to Dardis ex machina for her sins are Manette was mummified did they really leave eye holes and mummies this looks more like a speedy paper machine Halloween costume than a true mummification also he has now been exposing aerating for three and a half minutes straight I timed it adding 50 freakin sins for this movie's exposition explosion there she would remain condemned to eternal darkness so the parallax during that always works exactly is going on here target practice if so what does this guy with the hammer doing are they really attempting statue demolition be a gunfighter also isn't this guy directly in the line of fire well that's gonna be Tom Cruise for sure but I do secretly wish it was a job or even Robin Williams from Fisher King anything to make this movie slightly less predictable with regard Henry does this mean Harrison Ford will show up is someone gonna get shot in the head develop amnesia and forget this movie ever happen can I volunteer here we have another overused troupe where a character repeatedly insists there going to do a thing when there's no doubt in anyone's mind they're going to ultimately do the thing thanks for wasting our time moving somehow this air strike they called in arrives in like 30 seconds and does not injure or kill either of our two heroes building surfing also how much you want to bet this collapse brought on by the airstrike explosion actually opens up some two more exposes some kind of ancient bullsh required to advance the plot what 500 bucks rom pay up how did anyone at the studio sign off on 55 year old Tom Cruise playing some active special ops field agent with a penchant for screwing up even Josh Cuomo is tool flesh you hunt for antiquities stealing whatever isn't nailed down and selling it on the black market if you know this why do you keep sending them out I guess you're gonna punish him now so the movie has some manufactured tension but if this is his reputation and you haven't punished him so far and he's 55 goddamn years old you have only yourself to blame you're getting in the hole women wait what I'm with blue scarf lady on this how does this make any sense to send these two down with her you just said you don't trust them and now you're gonna send them down with her alone I'm so mad at you I'm going to give you direct access to the very thing you came here for this whole thing opened up because of an airstrike in a building collapse but no one involved here seems the least bit concerned that even more ground around the hole might give way waned in reality the camera here is so huge the entire town should have been sucked into a sinkhole get the lights and seven hours later after they somehow lure all this down into the cavern and then fed power to it as well the lights came on the most beautiful way to set up lights for a movie shot is also the least practical in real life remind me again why we set up the lights a hundred feet away from the space we actually want illuminated digital cameras did not do this floating invisible camera floating invisible camera is now handheld magically appearing previously floating an invisible handheld camera also what is she even looking at to know what she's shooting movie absolutely has no idea how to camera as this treasure is stolen it's as good a time as any to bring up the choice not to have anyone else down here weird enough you sent down the idiots and thieves you don't trust but then you don't send down any security or manpower to keep them in check surprise actually I think it might be both man so was this movie you say that but clearly that getting out now part of your order is going to take 45 minutes based on what we were shown when they were lowered down and by then any bogeys will be full-on bogie he shoots the rope and activates the ancient thing out of the blue after being ordered out of there because why are you because the mummy has to show up in this movie at some point and a screenwriter couldn't find a way for it to happen that made any sense so he wrote this yes we buried her for her terribleness but we created a Goonies booby trap to bring her back up just in case in the future they want to make movies about this mummy movie that needs a cheap scare goes for sudden spiders with somewhat hilarious results do your title maker if you're going to make us read the least you could do is not make the font skinny small in the same color as the freaking sand do it movie embarks on a two-hour effort to make its female leave both unlikable and unnecessary meaning she doesn't need to be here and we don't want her here yet she shall remain not only is this the second mummy movie to feature a sudden sandstorm it's the second Tom Cruise movie to feature a southern sandstorm it is not movie took way too many notes from Jurassic world on how to write characters with a romantic past to create cliche sexual tension let's go over the facts here just stab someone twice he's not responding to your voice he looks like a zombie he's walking towards you just end him already what I'll see you waiting for it's a murder of crows oh wait those are Ravens aren't they so it's a murder of Ravens also known as a ray lewis special what to film this scene for the sake of authenticity you Tom Cruise actually strapped himself into a plane and crashed it on purpose we need your help identifying the bodies you do because this unnecessary bull spear slinging here she literally met these dude today sure mystical resurrection blah blah blah how has nobody been freaking out that his body is even still intact fun visual I guess but how would he be unknown he was on a flight with such sensitive artifact material his name and rank would have been logged in about half a dozen different places but whatever movie let's just be honest you lost me at hello you know what's happening exposition comic relief zombie goes suck said exposition this is what should happen to anyone that tries using the you better come take a look at this cliche also couldn't the movie just started here with the first mummy attacked it be more mysterious and literal everything we've learned up till now could easily have been given to us via dialog flashbacks and natural story progression does the mummy lady actually mean to kiss her victims on the lips or she just warning I guess whoever she moment finds actually turns into a zombie and not a mummy I suppose that makes it easier for the movie to give our heroes some drone bad he used to kill later in the finale it still doesn't jive with much of mummy lore did you cut out of that plan there's not a single scratch funny unbreakable remake is a lot more mummy centric than I remember the original being we've developed this theory that an Egyptian princess had been erased from the history books you've developed a theory out of thin air then the dagger sent a ceremonial knife with a large jewel at the hilt this movie is like a pubescent boy I can't get enough of its own expositor and ends up rubbing itself wrong you've angered the gods yep set Thor Hades Jehovah jay-z they're all pissed at you you know I always thought I had a chance for their what expositional comic relief zombie ghost also sucks at Comic Relief look at me look at my face I'm cursed Nick pickle a movie Boris or brenden most of the movie wants to karlof it up this character feels like he should be hanging out with bridger she's got plans for you man can't run you can't escape even if this is true why didn't she just show up to Nick herself and explain why use the dead not funny friend guy as a conduit especially when she's going to show herself to him in the alley in the next scene why are rats attacking him was she controlling them do you care does it matter is it creepy okay I guess kissing is the official kill you but come back to life and I control you mechanism in this film ancient Egyptian curses are weirdly obsessed with what is a relatively modern romantic custom I swear to God at this movie flashes back to the same desert scene one more time I may have to shove its obelisk so far up its sarcophagus you won't even be able to read the hieroglyphs Terry Tate mummy linebacker why is she surprised she obviously can sense where these artifacts are but somehow she didn't know that the stone was missing instead of completing the ritual the mummy lady goes after Ginny who I'm guessing poses exactly 1.5% of a true problem creature who has previously quickly and efficiently sucked the life out of every non cruse human in her path decided to throw her across the room instead because reasons Tom Cruise in World War Z Nick takes off without Jenny which is sexist logical predictable and hilarious you're saying that she brought the plane down there on purpose yeah and with such pinpoint accuracy I'm guessing she must be working with the gal from hidden figures Nick she's in your head imagine if Dumbledore had been this direct with Harry we'd have never gotten order of the Phoenix this stuff with the attacking mummy zombie torso goes on for some time for the second time in this movie Tom Cruise falls out of a vehicle crash that he will miraculously survive Oh No here she comes slowly walking through the woods why don't were villains always a quick deliberate walking with terror what's more hilarious and grabbing this stick or Jenny yelling get her Nick it's a tie in my book black ops saviors repeatedly shoot the mummy with darts and arrows which means there's some kind of whale incorporation keep the evil alive for research going down right now else they'd be firing Hellfire missiles and RPGs at our ass HAARP 106 machina collector of rare monster artifacts puts them on display where they can be seen stolen or accidentally destroyed by anyone walking through oh snap remember how Russell Crowe was in this and spent eight minutes narrating the opening yeah me neither chuckle shameless dark universe building attempted shameless if he knows how dangerous he is when he turns why on earth will you wait to be this close before giving himself his height a BB shot in truth few months for us Ginny betrayal is the worst kind of betrayal also remember how Russell Crowe was in this and spent eight minutes narrating the opening yeah me neither but how our mere earthly chains keeping this ancient God chick confined if handcuffs were enough to subdue her why did the Egyptians barrier so far underground inside a stone sarcophagus how the humans even you know what forget the I honestly don't care a pony I love my father with all my heart sheesh I can understand the need for a bit of exposition to catch us up but we've already heard and seen this story twice before and once through narration I will not be xxx position damn it and that's why you use protection always make sure your mummy Junior is wrapped securely before burial kids what was I supposed to tell you would you even have believed me Tom Cruise's agent after she convinced him to say yes to this film and immediately after he'd read the script despite my better judgment I care about you movie tries to get us to buy into a relationship between two characters with so little chemistry not even Walter White could find it drink dear god yes please you language is simple only a fictional movie character whatever saved this about the English language because English is stuff y'all but also and perhaps more importantly after one third of the movie being backstory and one third with her chained up I'm beginning to think this mummy movie has very little interest in mummy thank God this building had a museum quality advancement of humanoid skulls display so that Nick would be distracted by it so that Jekyll could surprise him with some kind of a struggling to pretend like a care any more on this one Chris just FYI when writing a narration is gonna get less and less inspired as we move forward she's talking to a spider a spider I'm truly sorry mr. Morton studio is so committed to this Dirk universe bull they have to literally cram in some mr. Hyde into the movie where we're first meeting dr. Jekyll you have brain controlled spiders in your arsenal with a couple easy incantations and you're just now using one high-tech fastly important door security system has one door on a delay because you never know when you'll need a convenient plot point King who even when your character is puking liquid metal I still don't need to see characters puking and movies goddammit movie includes cursed book from the 1999 mummy film does this mean those movies are in the same world as this one this expanded universe just got expanding here yeah good thing she ran through that door beat that guy up so she could do absolutely nothing seriously this movie has no idea how to use this character I live in some knowledge exposition exactly what has she done she didn't even pull her own parachute cord in the plane crash for pete's sake [Music] okay that was some badass mummy circus Elena's right there and I take us in off if it weren't for the fact that the rig is needlessly complex just so it could happen what can I say the boy likes to run in his movies with this much power what exactly does she need him for again she just lonely codependent honey you don't need a man to make you home you good girl but also you're dead and you haven't been seen in an hour I'm really thinking you're just part of the evil chicks plant what's up how did he know she was about to be attacked how was he remotely close enough to save her house screw it man like I give it movie can't decide if it's zombie mummy's are slow and one at a time or fast and all at once can't just World War Z it when it suits you movie keep your zombies consistent oh she's a murmur me now too had he not trained so hard to hold his breath from Mission Impossible rogue nation Tom Cruise would definitely have died shooting this stupid underwater scene for the stupid mummy movie wait why are these Knights of the Dead table disintegrating why isn't Nick running right now if Nick had this little control over things why did I even watch this movie eh Jesus mommy lady why is his submission so important to you you imprinted on him early on presumably you do not need the human inside him to get permission and yet you keep asking for it drawing off the film's runtime okay I'm calling a family meeting let's count the ways this moment ruins the last shred of hope for this film first other than a false surprise is there really any reason he needs to stab himself nothing has been mentioned about the knife giving the stabber the power over the stabby so who cares who does the penetrating to he has absolutely no idea what the stabbing will do except turn him into the definition of evil so why does he even think this would bring his passive and pointless lady friend back to life three did you see that knife it was dull from age and curved it might bruise a sternum but it ain't stabbing anything Oh what's up yo all he had to do was crush the red stone the mummy lady even said so but instead he stabs himself with the Ruby blade that mummy lady has been hoping to stab him with all movie movie gives us a visual summary of what it's been doing to us for the last 90 minutes somehow he got so attached to Ginny during this film he literally cannot live without her like the most for scum thing about this movie I guess demon cruise is evil book does good sorry mummy you can't go both ways is the mercury still necessary her life has been sucked out the stone is shattered and jolly Satan Nick pretty much decides who lives or dies now anyway what are we even doing here veil would be great at cinemasins yes those I don't know what they are you don't know what they are who gives a [ __ ] this Fred [Music] get the lights [Music] [Applause] [Music]

Channel: CinemaSins

Views: 3,215,916

Keywords: the mummy, everything wrong with, wave jockey job, review, cinemasins, movie, tom cruise, mummy, eww, mistakes, cinema sins

Id: UxWs3bWiCI4

Length: 15min 22sec (922 seconds)

Published: Tue Oct 10 2017