Everything Wrong With The Marvels in 17 Minutes or Less

[Music] this intro used to have a lot more guys in it and now it's loaded with women and that's fine but feels like a sort of we have females leading the cast on this movie so we should have them in the intro too right maybe the audience will think they've always been there and of course we know they haven't and this just made it look like you're trying too hard to be inclusive Marvel wait when did I get into a star war does that Hammer thing have an infinity stone in it and if it doesn't why did you make it look so much like a did this scratching at the ground like a cat bearing it and litter is both disturbingly too much and also not nearly enough of an effort to find a magical bangle look how much electricity she's using string lights neon lava lamp and it's daytime shine on baby stealing your superhero phrase from a popsocket when did she change into her superhero costume we just saw her in street clothes at the top of the scene God damn it movie spends way too long on a flashback recap app of the original Captain Marvel movie like even if I forgot that movie entirely which I did I would still feel like this was too much backstory isn't it odd that Carol's memory lingers on Monica's face Carol's memory should be of flying through the sky not Monica's adorable smile as her hero abandons her you chose to wear the remember my worst memories headband this is a torture device call a therapist and put the brain zapper away for sake displaying your faux for all to see incoming call from Nick Fury what is she doing is she just floating out in space with her cat just not doing anything helpful for any solar system until called upon that's what the f is that about she missed almost the entirety of the Avengers Saga because she had so much other fing Cosmic ass saving to do so what is with the Casual Captain Marvel meditation ship let it be known that chaos Carol has a uselessly unplugged 3D printer hanging out in a window sill in a bottle of A1 tucked behind her untidy kitchen I don't know why these two things in particular bother me so much but they do how goes it out there talking this loud in a room full of other people no one wants to hear your fing phone call Fury having a table that can be activated Faded by a cat why are the Nick Fury helpers all dressed like helmetless Stormtroopers what do you know about the surge in the jump point system a few hours ago a surge in the jump point system that is the Catalyst for the whole movie it's no dumber than an infinity stone but it's still dumb enough to sin you're in the neighborhood right okay again it's weird that she's got nothing to do and is just floating through space chilling but why the F would Captain Marvel let Nick Fury keep tabs on her whereabouts also why does she even need a spaceship Monica she's not that little kid did you remember Captain Marvel understands how time works yeah her first movie was in the 9s and this movie is present day so yeah Monica is not a little kid anymore and why has Captain Marvel not visited Monica any time between the end of endgame and now Communications override Captain Rambo space wall I have a lot of questions first why does Fury need to specify that He is wanting to talk to Captain Rambo and that she is on a spacewalk second why isn't there a button he can press to override things and speak to whoever the he wants third why does Nick fing Fury have to override anything on the space station ah you got some Ang Le's Hulk in my Marvel no shoulder socket is discombobulated in this scene Cala somehow shifts into someone else's space suit even though all the other instances later in the movie have the marbles trading places in their own clothing it's not that I want Camala to be dead but she should be dead so I switched with someone named Kamala Khan switched will do a lot of heavy lifting for most of this movie and no there's not ever a satisfying explanation for the switching yes they explain it but I said there's not ever a satisfying explan for it enough about her I want to know what happened to you on MB 418 yeah enough about the 16-year-old kid that somehow fit in your space suit and was last scene free floating in space while you vanished to MB 418 and while we're tossing things aside forget about how Kamala made it home for the next scene to begin or how you yourself got here Monica with all the space and space why with the space rocks making the pretty ring Carol Carol oh yes let me approach in full sight of all sorts of Highly Advanced Technologies and then go invisible as if it suddenly matters after my predecessor was destroyed Heretics rose up to fill the void why do I feel like she's describing events from the Ric franchise like in endgame she flew through a huge bad guy ship and destroyed it by doing so why is she being all sneaky sneaky here who's she afraid of why did the cat transport with Kamala this time but did not transport with Carol on the previous jump and instead stayed behind for Kamala to freak out out you know this cat becomes a lot less horrific when we discover it doesn't devour anything but rather stores them in a fur pocket to Yak up later please run but then they don't the very normal family attacks cre Soldiers with home furnishings and somehow survives it is about this time in the film I realize that this will be my new least favorite Marvel movie new rule no more touching it has taken this long to make no touching things an official rule Annihilation I don't like that name and then she annihilates them Kamala makes a dome around some bad guys and they teleport with her because somehow her bubble now counts as an extension of herself this badass teleportation of others isn't exploited in their favor for the rest of the film choosing to shoot while you're en closed in a machine that is descending to Earth's atmosphere from space asking me to believe this family would immediately clean up rather than pack up the minivan and get the out of the house wait if this is all top secret information why is it on a clear case Kamala would be excellent at Cinema sense look at Fury petting the very being that is responsible for the loss of his eye as if he's having zero drama Captain Marvel can absorb light energy I can see it and you you can turn light into physical matter none of that makes sense why isn't it working when I need it to work a question this movie struggles to answer come on use your car this works this is like watching the finale of Spider-Man homecoming only it's not dark and I can actually tell what's happening but if you give me more time I can make it safer no the US government Captain Marvel shows up literally just in time to save them from this blast but without anyone teleporting so somehow she figured out where the bad guys were and just went there and why didn't she do that sooner the cre came here hopeful no one can hear her talking so this entire scene needs a megaphone or an amplifier or something what have you done what is this upset about earlier in the boardroom it was made very clear the cre were going to strip away their air and force them to relocate she was going sideways long before Carol became their Karen but then you sick the annihilator on us thing my college girlfriend used to say to try and get me in the mood somehow makes its way in once again the scroll have betrayed the cre why isn't Captain Marvel attacking Dar Ben right now the bad gu is monologuing this is the time to strike we have nowhere to go I feel like the bigger issue here is how everyone is planning to get onto a ship the where do we go next issue can be solved with some quick searches on atmospheric similarities and proximity to a honeycomb thingy how am I smarter than the people inside the universe were watching get back to the ship and don't use your powers guaranteeing she will use her powers as soon as possible sigh they didn't actually do paint by numbers when writing the script did they maybe they rolled dice we need to save who we can and now we watch in real time as Cala realizes that using her superpowers earlier was essentially offering one last fun ride before death Carol is the sort of person who dirties dish after dish and leaves them around and and then when the company shows up has nothing to offer her guests she is the worst I called a friend she can find a safe place for you is that okay asking if something is okay to do after you've already done the thing the good guys dress in Black remember that just in case we ever wind up in space with scroll contact the title held by she valy means the Easter egg that you saw you did not see holla do you remember when the sun used to shine on Hala I barely remember what happens between scene jumps anymore hey wasn't there an open portal siphoning in the atmosphere like a window left open to the elements what happens when resources depleted does holl's atmosphere get sucked back through the open window haa is out of time this line again clearly there was more time the first time this was said so how do I know this is the real time to pay attention to how serious all this is when you left you said you'd be back before I knew it well given how far she's traveled through space and relativity and all that maybe not that much time has actually passed for Carol you think of that did you not see Interstellar we needed you Carol look at that childhood trauma rearing its ugly head see this is why you are best to just never be needed by anyone hey all right here's what we're going to do clean up everying container and mug Captain Marvel you need to stop calling me that I used to change your diapers so Captain Underpants then the Marvels roll credits yeah but darbin only has one she must be overloading it with the energy from her space Hammer thingy oh we will use this is a a scroll torture device managing to use a torture device to abuse innocent old me with your cringey three-way flashback position holla holla really Fury they insisted if insisting is all it takes to get on the space elevator and hang out with celebrity scientists and superheroes why is TMZ not aboard too but no filming and fury let them keep their phones what sort of lack security is this Monica will take care of her we will and we will make sure she gets back home in one piece H I wonder if she knows she's doing the exact thing with kamala's parents that she is clearly still bitter at Carol for doing to her which is the we'll be right back thing power stay activated after a switch good to know and so Begins the training montage that attemps to help us make sense of their temporary swapping powers are they going to discuss strategic ways their powers can be utilized to gain an advantage on the field no they're going to play double dutch 1 2 3 go now why would you say go for going on three and why wouldn't Carol activate her powers on go when she thought that go was when to go great they're trained for party tricks amazing so confident that they can save the world how did it get in there I don't know should we tell Fury given what I know of the man unless you're Robert Redford always tell Fury their language is song most of them won't understand you unless you sing right but the tones we use when we speak could be considered Acappella esque and musical right like right now my Cadence and intonation could sound like music to someone removing all inflection and speaking robotically sounds like a much better plan if you want to be sure you're not technically singing it's worth noting that Monica has two drinks one in each hand before she's even entered the actual party and the sin is for not sharing with Carol one could be more cheerful the musical equivalent of asking a woman to smile more the house roll again I'm feeling so many feelings right now feelings are often the first sign of trouble if you are a loved one are experiencing so many feelings while watching a Marvel movie it may be time to consult your position side effects may include bloating of runtime painful stabs of forced flashbacks and an acute awareness of the volume green screen which could be linked to a decrease in given I'm not alone I appreciate the hell out of this movie doing a fully Musical scene on a planet where everybody speaks and song but I wish they'd written a better song the lyrics are so generic it's as if they were written by an AI machine learning B warning 29 objects detected tribles we have tribles get to the grain what about Lady of Light frequency no Pulsar no is the problem that Carol and Kamala are terrible at names or that Monica is too picky discuss amongst yourselves as Dar Ben arrives in her massive ship with her Fleet I can't help but wonder why a cocation program hasn't been considered I get it you like your but moving to any of the planets we've seen so far seems like a pretty great option compared to slowly dying and tearing apart reality these tall skinny ships look cool as hell but aerodynamically speaking they hold on I'm being told that this sin might cause a bunch of viewers to try and educate me on how aerodynamics don't matter in space but hang on while I pick up my verbal RPGs these tall skinny ships are not in space dog they are inside this planet's atmosphere and are therefore less aerodynamic than if they were on their sides so eat a of backs wait that up didn't I damn that undermines my entire Point even though I was correct the Universal Weapon was here a second ago but now it isn't and I'm wondering how many teleporting things this movie wants me to keep track of in order to follow along and enjoy which for the record I am not tracking or enjoying anything underestimating the previously mentioned space Hammer thingy here your scarf to what wiper nose oh was a weapon wait was she trained for this does this come naturally to her because she likes to whip around Fabric in her normal life is the scarf poison is it sh she is whipping people with the cotton scarf and it's working I'm pretty goddamn annoyed at how many folks in this film can hold their own with Captain Marvel after the they showed me in endgame I'm adding 5 cents for this this is some new person out of nowhere that is Thanos level strong all the sudden that sh I mean Kamala is straight up shot right here right her scarf must have blocked the laser somehow fine now where did you get that my grandma she sent it to me in the mail see now this is where someone needs to tell the child to stop talking to strangers there goes HBO again are we doing something about these oh so the brains are multiplying they really are tribles yay Hala has water that will absolutely up their Shoreline and cause some initial damage but then suddenly be perfectly fine later when the plot needs it to be yay quick question how will darban turn the portals off so that Hala isn't flooded with all the water from alad anyone no Oh Captain My Captain shouldn't the hero worship had worn off by now somehow the ship survives this they're able to have their feelings fight without anything or anyone following through the jumpy portal and they have enough time to regroup to save the day I'm really glad that you're here now in this completely situation then come up with Plan B this entire highly Advanced space station exists without a plan B already in place this entire highly Advanced space station doesn't have an automated fire dampener it requires old men to walk to the cupboard to retrieve a fire extinguisher thankfully the movie has time for this after watching the saber crew be tentacled into a sort of squid pouch stomach and an alien cat without any idea as to what is happening to them I have to wonder about their corporate bill for counseling services surely there's a plan for them to talk to someone safe after this I'm sorry how do the flerkens know which person to consume and which is essential to the plot she wants our son right that tracks her world has lost its Sun its water and its air so she's been slowly getting them each back one by one and even though they all depend on each other to exist she's managed to keep that going each time while she goes out looking for another piece of the inhabitable World puzzle also Al so all this seems really important I'm just wondering where any other superheroes may be not that they need men specifically but help would help I for one submit that the evil ship design was vertical and semic curved simply so they could do this looks like an eye when placed against the backdrop of the sunshot no airbags are deployed and everyone should be whiplashed concussed and scraped there she is the annihilator herself you already faced her up on the ship above the water during the thing how are you going to act like this is your first introduction this could have been so much easier I don't know I like her odds of course you do the door was left open for Carol to fly through and the suprer was left entirely unprotected despite having an army of cre at the ready the odds are tipped in the let's wrap this movie up as fast as possible favor and we are all liking that I don't really want to write another sin about how powerful Captain Marvel is and yet she needs help here but can't change my DNA people I can't help who I am and people are going to blame it all on the gauntlet bracelet things that came out of nowhere in this Moon mean that's fine if you want to be a gullible what are you waiting for please just give us the bangal why are we asking at this point she's pinned to the floor go and take it off her arm so Monica can fly in Space by being transparent and then when she becomes solid to grab Carol she's not negatively impacted by being unprotected in space someone making a list of everything wrong with how these Powers work oh right me that is a different reality bleeding into ours God damn it higher further faster man Kanye is going to sue you if you don't get those lyrics corrected Monica it's closing you'll be trapped it's okay you rat the con watching Kamala you saved the world and immediately lost the second bracelet apparently so don't get too excited so sometimes when a superhero flies through an object it explodes but sometimes it ignites okay okay as you think back to this movie's hand to-hand battles involving Captain Marvel please also remember that she just restarted a dead son with the power of hering power every fight this movie that she had was yes breathe and bask in the obliteration of two civilizations so nice the planets are respected to make a full recovery how alad had portal punches all over it how will that recover and how can you say that the scroll civilization can recover without air I see she gets a second chance to be a mentor with Kamala here let's hope she doesn't it up as bad as she did with Monica Kate Bishop breaking and entering we were hoping you could tell us so she's in Another Universe yay and this one has a beast that sounds exactly like the Beast we had in X-Men the Last Stand but looks noticeably different and am I supposed to cheer here because mostly I want to scream oh that was the grossest thing I've ever heard in my life breathe I'm breathing air air do not arouse the Wrath of the Great and Powerful La I said come back tomorrow you think I don't know the law wasn't it me who wrote it and I say that this man has on the law you grew up on Park Avenue aren't you an ars no Money More Problems it's stimulating the septile area that's the pleasure center of the brain whatever this thing does it must feel pretty good this is my variation of Double Dutch on the signal we switch places it certainly does suck

Channel: CinemaSins

Views: 487,369

Keywords: wave jockey job, cinemasins, cinema sins, everything wrong with, eww, movie, review, movie review, marvels, the marvels, miss marvel, captain marvel, cinemasins the marvels, marvels cinemasins, the marvels cinemasins, cinema sins the marvels, cinema sins marvels, miss marvel sins, captain marvel sins

Id: Me1_aWR7EYI

Length: 17min 50sec (1070 seconds)

Published: Tue Feb 13 2024