Everything Wrong With The ENTIRE MCU: Captain America Civil War - Thor Ragnarok - Marvel Phase 3.1

[Music] look you can show me an icy tundra if you want but you've got to tell me what year it is ah 1991 why did i have to wipe bucky at this point wasn't he wiped before he went into the cryosleep also this book that supposedly controls the winter soldier is introduced here but wasn't referenced in winter soldier at all and zemo found it buried in some asshole's wall in cleveland so how did they control him in the last movie 20 seconds of interrupting marvel logo why the hell would you rob police stations i know there may be some extra weapons sitting around in the evidence room but there's no way there would be enough there to make it worth it for super villainy also this article is the newspaper version of clickbait as the article underneath it is some sort of vague repetitious nonsense that's probably trying to sell viagra the other barrier on the left was still standing and the truck was blocking the whole right lane but seconds later these [ __ ] somehow drive straight through a wide open entrance meet crossbones he'll be your expendable villain plot device for the next seven minutes i know cap is impervious to a lot of stuff but this gas is apparently pretty lethal if it incapacitated this dude immediately and cap's unaffected he's also been developing an immunity to iokin powder that's badass but tell me what kind of [ __ ] is this how can a shield of this power bounce off floors and walls instead of just destroying them and how did cap figure out the geometry of that shot i also agree this is cool but why didn't he do something like this the very beginning scarlet witch helpfully throws the gas into the atmosphere where it can affect many more people in lagos black widow can throw one of those taser things faster than this [ __ ] can fire a bullet ah welcome back 500 edits per fight editing house scarlet stunt double doing great just great look i have other people to talk to but we'll have a beer later alright i know she's a badass but come on black widow just took out eight heavily armed bad guys did the avengers not have a drug testing protocol in place what were these [ __ ] doing this entire fight our comrades are getting their asses kicked but we see no reason to step out of this tank and fire bullets at anybody due to our conscientious objections she survives this oh good another villain who thinks he can win a punching contest with captain america after cap inevitably wins i'm sure no one else will try this during the rest of this movie his name is red wing i'm still not thinking he's cute while you guys are cracking wise has anyone checked on cap [Music] olson ex machina welcome to comic book movie number two of the year where heroes get all guilty about the innocent lives they kill during their missions it only took 13 movies be nice dear he's been studying abroad really which broad roger starkling less than zero cgi robert downey jr plus 611 million dollars for my little therapeutic experiment it appears that tony is merely being honored at mit but he decided to show the audience his virtual reality memory which just so happens to be important to the plot of this movie also he could tell these students he funded their dumb projects is this a hologram teleprompter do you mean all the students saw what tony was going to say albeit backwards before he had a chance to say it i am so sorry about the teleprompter i didn't know miss potts had canceled even if they didn't know about pepper cancelling before the talk began it was the last line of the speech so they totally had time to remove the unnecessary reference to a character we won't be seeing are you bonum i'm right where i want to be alfred woodard somehow knew tony would be not only exiting the stage this way but also that he would bypass the bathroom and go straight for the elevator miriam was state department tax dollars by leaving work driving to mit and briefly with iron man victory at the expense of the innocent is no victory at all damn it sure got all dawn of justicy up in here they're being very specific unfortunately her accent is not mamo said bucky and all of a sudden i was a 16 year old kid again in brooklyn you could say that the word bucky is almost captain america's kryptonite or martha viz we talked about this peeping vision no vision tom captain rogers wish to know when mr stark was arriving so i came to wanda's room right away the world owes the avengers an unpayable debt that's it he should stop right there there's nothing else that needs to be discussed not sokovia or lagos or even manhattan they saved the universe multiple times how about dangerous as in batman v superman the government comes in and explains that they're scared of superheroes now because of what they can do and what's the difference between the two movies again one's brighter and tells a few more jokes and doesn't suck i mean what's the difference what would you call a group of us-based enhanced individuals who routinely ignore sovereign borders and seem unconcerned about what they leave behind um the justice league ryan lochte also the entire last part of the battle of sokovia was the avengers saving as many individuals as possible discount quicksilver even died for a kid does nobody want to mention this tell me captain do you know where thor and banner are right now of course he doesn't if he did this would be an avengers movie and it's totally not an avengers movie three days from now the u.n meets in vienna to ratify the accords the sokovia accords were approved by 117 countries and somehow the avengers didn't get the news until three days before the ratification and if we come to a decision you don't like then you retire apparently ross thinks he's thanos considering he makes this statement as if he would have any say in the matter also let's say the u.n decides they need the avengers for something how does that prevent the avengers from accidentally killing people hey guys we need you but let's try extra hard not to kill innocent people this time once again i'm happy they didn't have to put the state or country that cleveland's in but do they have to use the largest [ __ ] font ever no cops this guy who's definitely afraid of anybody who might come by wanting to steal the information he has willingly opens his door to this guy without a gun and a story that smells of immediate and total [ __ ] i mean can he just say that wasn't his car outside zemo's power must be x-ray vision considering he found the book in an innocuous wall but the box of water stops before his nose and mouth and the water is already spilling out of the box so zemo's plan is to wash that evil right out of his hair since mrs stock announced himself as iron man the number of known enhanced persons has grown exponentially during the same period the number of potentially world-ending events has risen at a commencier rate but thinking about the conflicts that arose in the marvel cinematic universe since tony announced he was iron man thor came to earth because of some [ __ ] that happened on his own planet which brought loki and some [ __ ] robot monster thing with it the avengers movie happened because of the stuff that happened in thor iron man 2 is because some dude wanted revenge against tony in thor 2 the dark world something something realm something something dark elves iron man 3 happens because another [ __ ] wanted revenge on tony the winner soldier happens because hydra is still around and avengers 2 happens because tony created ultron and that's the end of that argument oversight is not an idea that can be dismissed out of hand okay but you just mentioned that the existence of the avengers invites conflict how would that change with any administrative oversight tony takes out his phone and lays it in a fruit basket so that it can play hologram footage of somebody's dead son gee it sounds kind of stupid when you say it out loud aren't you the same woman who told the government to kiss her ass a few years ago i'm just i'm reading the terrain first off falcon would be amazing at cinemasins second off this fear's so off character from romanov that i can't stop saying off i just knew her as aunt peggy it was a lot to live up to which is why i never told anyone we were related until now when the plot demands it and i'm the featured speaker for her eulogy what are you doing here i didn't want you to be alone also i needed to give you in the audience some exposition and set the stage for the next scene i knew you'd be here well after the funeral and didn't bother to call or text first wait they just found this bomb after the van had been parked right across the street from the meeting don't they check that stuff before it gets to a horribly strategic location he heroically jumps into the blast but is one of the only ones to survive this also who'd have thought there would be a cataclysmic event during a gathering of world leaders well if you hadn't seen homeland or designated survivor or white house down independence day batman v superman or king ralph this burgeoning relationship when you boil it down is like edward and bella and twilight steve something you got to see you need to come take a look at this cock-blocking cliche at least 12 are dead 12. sure there's probably going to be more deaths later because that's the way the news works but that explosion blew up a whole city block and i can't believe that when he told everyone to get down that somehow saved a lot of people most of it's noise except for this thank god sharon is peggy's niece and was here for the funeral and is in love with steve rogers so she can pass him important information illegally also why do they think he could set off a bomb in vienna and make it back home in time to arrest him that's a 12-hour drive and everything else requires a well-known fugitive to go through airports or train stations which i'm not buying unless it's the bucky identity if bucky's face is so well known that the news can casually refer to him as the winter soldier and everyone knows what that means then how can he walk around without getting a disguise and without getting noticed if he's been hiding out here for the last couple years more like bucky rust am i right does anyone want to shoot this guy anywhere but is obviously bulletproof hand [Music] that's right it took four cuts for that one badass takedown welcome to action movies in 2016. the shooter from the u.n task force just fires with impunity without seeing there's another person there it's almost like they'll accept some collateral damage for the good of the overall mission luckily everyone can just blindly jump down onto this busy road without getting plowed into however implausible this sequence is i'm going to remove a sin for black panther being a badass war machine took so long to get here they considered replacing him with terence howard we now take you to division in scarlet witch the most powerful characters in this movie flirting over some goddamn soup and what do you want for people to see you as i do so is this getting serious if so what's that bedroom gonna look like hang on google maps tells me it's 18 [ __ ] hours from bucharest to berlin there isn't a task force office in bucharest or belgrade or anywhere nearby even vienna is closer so you like cats you're just now asking this even if they flew here this banter should have happened long ago your suit vibranium the black panther has been a protector of wakanda for generations a mantle passed from warrior to warrior if you ask about the panther suit you'll get some heavy wakandan exposition hello everyone i'm everett k ross from the black panther series of comics i am not to be confused with thaddeus ross the guy from incredible hulk who also makes an appearance in this movie why would the task force release this photo to begin with seems like a normal thing that happens every time something like this happens but steve is suspicious of it also you had an 18-hour trip in a van to think about this i can understand you being suspicious but isn't that your nature since winter soldier aren't you like sherlock holmes now even though that's tony's job hey dude there are ways not to listen to the [ __ ] right like talking you've had a couple years to create a defense against this cap and sam must have stopped off for starbucks and route to the holding room so that bucky had enough time to provide the mission report to zemo and kill all these government agents jesus this fight is like trying to watch people play marvel vs capcom and trying to figure out what the [ __ ] is happening okay if we have to remove three sins for this i guess we will sin counter will not be happy government agents and the rest of the avengers took their union mandated smoke break during the whole escape chopper crash scene because i'm not the only winner soldier remember bucky's only the winter soldier because zola remembered he got thrown off the train in the first movie and went backpacking in the mountains to pick him up later for some dumbass reason what's so special about bucky that they needed to give him the serum in the first place then they kidnapped a whole bunch of people in 1991 and gave them the serum and doesn't hydra know the ingredients of this cocktail they had access to zola for years i guess they didn't because bucky had to kill tony's parents for it and set up this fight at the end they can take a whole country down in one night you never see them coming why haven't they that i know in winter soldiers ola said something about blah blah take away freedom blah blah people resist but if you have 30 super soldiers all created before the avengers existed then why not use them to do that very thing who knows if the accords will let them help but they're not ratified yet remember bomb 72 hours guaranteed 36 hours arbitrary timeline is arbitrary that's you right i must know this because somewhere in this youtube video you take off your mask 100 times following the existing movies patterns and i've had these powers for six months peter's only had his spidey powers for six months but tony's had time to scout him study the strength of his webbing and build a suit for him you can't overpower me i know i can't but she can't why did she change her mind she went from i've caused enough problems and i think i'm in love with vision to screw it in 30 seconds all because hawkeye told her to stop moping [Music] wait did wanda just send vision to hell come on we got one more stop why does hawkeye pick cap's side just because quicksilver saved him in age of ultron you can't assume he'd go against the other avengers just to give wanda a ride move or you will be moved as entertaining as that would be it wouldn't there'd be 1767 cuts just for them to end up being friends anyway so if you come with us you're a wanted man yeah well what else is now so much for spending time with your daughter which was the whole reason you wanted to be a good guy in your own movie cap and tony take an hour and a half to start civil war euro war buddy killed innocent people yesterday and there are five more super soldiers just like him but what's not important to tell you at this moment is that bucky had no control over his actions because there's a complicated series of passwords that evil people programmed him with and ah oh come on these webs are so strong that cap himself can't get free of them but hawkeye's arrows are good enough ant-man chooses to attack spider-man first because arthropods i guess you have a metal arm that is awesome dude thank god they got a great actor got spidey just right even if he was an add-on you know thank god iron man decided to blast that arrow out of the air it's no telling what kind of property damage that would have done don't worry no one will be killed in the beautiful action center piece of this movie so sit back and enjoy the other lack of stakes because we only know steve and tony's strong feelings on the sokovia courts the other combatants in this melee start to run together i've got to remember natasha's on tony's side because reasons roadie and vision are on tony's side because they're boring black panther is simply only anti-winter soldier side spidey's in it for the money just like the studios involved ant-man and hawkeye are on steve's side because still trying to figure that out wanda's on steve's side because of peer pressure but i generally forget every bit of that after every 10 seconds of random hero and hero violence i didn't kill your father then why did you run what kind of question is that he was running because you were chasing him in a scary cat suit doesn't it feel like scarlet witch could just end this whole battle right now you know because she's the one who practices real magic you got hard kid where you from queens brooklyn does brooklyn have that kind of hard reputation anymore i mean isn't brooklyn one of the most gentrifyingest places in the world right now i mean maybe because cap comes from old school brooklyn he still wears that like a badge but i for one can't wait to decorate my bedsty brownstone with french coffee shop posters and my three bicycles i'll take vision you get to the jet by the way tony's side could stop this whole thing by simply destroying the jet or disabling it but nobody's gonna do that all right sam what's the plan we need a diversion the avengers always have these communication devices built into their uniforms but if half of them are using them shouldn't the other half be able to hear the same conversation did they meet earlier and determine which side uses which frequency this isn't the real fight steve it's just the title of the movie is all [Music] paul rudd is such a goddamn national treasure and a welcome bit of levity in this movie that i'm removing a sin for his awesomeness vision finally decides to start visioning also seriously did this movie just have no clue how to use this character all he's done is the spouse random wisdom cook and wear some j crew i'm not gonna stop what the hell has she been doing this whole time she got knocked out of the battle earlier so then she decided to hang out by the jet she was going to be the last defense against captain freaking america heartbeat detected why don't we just call this movie civil unrest or domestic disturbance 2 the one without vince vaughn what's a war about this civil anyway sorry just like my mom said it's all fun and games until someone gets knocked out of the sky by an infinity stone and breaks their back where police also found a wig and facial prosthesis approximating the appearance of one james buchanan barnes zemo seriously found ways to do amazing things over one year's time he's not only great with computers and decrypting classified documents but also making a mask of barns that fools facial recognition software get this to ross which one also if he's sending it to ross why can't tony also send the information to black panther whom he knows is still hunting bucky does this facility still have power let's start facial scanning for this zemo guy you seriously think i'm gonna listen to you after that fiasco and leipzig you're lucky you're not in one of these cells high ranking government official thinks he's in a transformers movie and ignores obvious evidence of an international catastrophe did he give you anything on rogers nope told me to go to hell ross who doesn't trust stark when it comes to zemo suddenly trusts stark in this situation and doesn't have him followed oh how lucky black panther just happens to be five seconds behind iron man even though he was secretly following cap and bucky the whole time what was her name again dolores you called her doc steve remembers the name of some random redhead bucky tried to impress more than 70 years ago okay cap and bucky know the exact coordinates and they have a serious head start tony had to take rhodey to the hospital chat with skarjo ride out to the wavy prison talk to papadoc to get the location then fly all the way to goddamn siberia but they arrived at roughly the same time i know that road you know that road what about that date maybe that's more recognizable yep just incredible footage on a tree line country road cam three as it turns out cams everywhere in the area you never knew when bigfoot might be around and the footage was saved even though we're seeing this in full color the movie's trying to say tony can see this same angle in footage too driving home the drama of his mother getting strangled but really all he'd be able to see is bucky standing next to the car doing something probably bad presumably this means he shot the camera but it was conveniently impervious considering we have this footage also suddenly this movie is saying there was a facility nearby that could capture security footage first off that's terribly convenient but second off terrible nonsense because there was no such place nearby in the beginning of the movie now tony gets mad even though he knows for a fact that bucky had no control over his actions or is this movie saying he didn't i find that hard to believe and even though he just learned somebody framed bucky 10 minutes ago he gets blinded with anger this conflict is as manufactured as it gets did you know yes to be fair the only reason he knows is because zola showed him what hydra did to people who worked for shield in that bunker scene in the winter soldier but then right after that hydra fired missiles into the building and he had to make a miraculous escape so it might have slipped his mind i still can't believe this is the reason they're going to fight them also when would he tell tony about this while they were just hanging out hey man i know we're at a strip club and stuff but bucky killed your parents this is all you wanted to see them rip each other apart yep and just think he could have done this by simply sending the tape to tony with a little post-it note that read play me we're miles from harm and the dust cleared it took me two days until i found their bodies but if they were together how did zemo survive if i could get them to kill each other let's talk about zemo's plan the entire thing relies on scarlet witch doing something incredibly stupid during the crossbones fight in lagos without that there would be no sokovia in the core which semo had no idea what happened when he started planning his revenge and yet is a huge part of the plan in this movie then he plots to bomb the u.n frame bucky and somehow someway he knows steve and tony will hate each other over it and he also knows tony will figure out about the dead psychiatrist at the perfect time learn the siberia location and show up at the same time as cap and bucket he knows steve won't tell tony what he knows then he'll lose all control and they'll fight each other in this building i mean how did zemo know all this just by pouring over natasha's wikileaks analyze this fight pattern scanning oh sure you can analyze this fight pattern but your targeting system a minute ago was totally messed up your [ __ ] does whatever this movie needs doesn't it again he's not gonna die what a [ __ ] this movie is all that time all that effort to see it feel so spectacular did it well pretty much yeah i mean bucky lost an arm but generally cap and tony are good to go for infinity war unless they're saying there's more to zemo's plan like he's joker in the dark knight and he needed to be captured more proof that the filmmakers lost sight of their vision stan lee finally makes an appearance in one of these marvel movies geez it only took 13 tries but they found a way to pay tribute to him i guess i thought by not telling you about your parents i was sparing you but i can see now that i was really sparing myself from what also the i didn't tell you so that i could protect you cliche once again aren't you glad that you waited 10 minutes to see this thing and you have no clue what it is guess i'm gonna have to go research the [ __ ] now thanks obama even when you speed this logo up it feels like forever maybe it is do i exist they're here to steal a page from a book so was the ceremonial looking decapitation really necessary in order to steal the book you must first remove the head of the librarian on overnight duty on whatever night you attack and you must do so while he's suspended six feet in the air arms and legs splayed with two axes all that culminating in the headlanding in ancient lord dukkha's favorite bedpan bucket welcome to some idiotic in the first couple minutes of this movie these guys come in murder the bookkeeper and for what to tear one page out of a book when they could easily steal the whole thing did they not bring enough help it kind of infuriates me that this will be a big deal later in 2016 audiences were delighted to see inception 2 in theaters which they weirdly called doctor strange i mean strangely called doctor strange like harry potter this movie will never stop to explain what the motions really do or whose motion should be outweighing whose these hologram blades do hologram damage to the bad guys why exactly are these guys allowed to just leave again can't you put them in an interdimensional jail or something they killed your bookkeeper she's definitely visible to this lady on the right so what gives you some rules maybe i bet you're gonna tell me that will come later but i have my doubts oh gee hot rich well feels so good made it charted in 1978 the album was released in december of 1977. brilliant cocky charming guy who gets deeply injured then overcomes that injury to become the hero that's so starkly familiar why have i alright bruce wayne also i don't care how good a surgeon he is i don't want my surgeon playing musical trivia with the nurses during my surgery it shows a detachment from reality that suggests i'll lose my life and he won't lose any sleep what is it gsw for the record doctors of the world gsw literally has two more syllables than the phrase it stands for gunshot wound just saying y'all don't seem very smart with this particular abbreviation this is brain surgery but neither of them are wearing a mask but in that first surgery scene everyone in the goddamn room had a mask on is it the movie or the hospital that's playing fast and loose with the medical rules oh now they put masks on dr west cover your watch okay aside from further humiliating the cr doctor guy this scene exists to show how good strange's hearing is i guess but if hearing were important during surgery blasting the hits of the 70s would be grounds for malpractice suit movie wants to have its cake and eat it and then have a portrait of the cake made and then eat that yeah you didn't have to humiliate him in front of everyone i didn't have to save his patient either she has a point he according to the hippocratic oath does not yeah you're right in er we're only saving lives movie not only utterly wastes rachel mcadams it uses her best acting on a medical walk and talk i call it the strange policy oh well good i'm glad something's named after me this movie schools jurassic world on how to write we used to date sexual tension dialogue while still being super cliche and predictable we used to date dialogue point is both movies did it poorly but jurassic world did it even more portal i shouldn't have to explain this god damn i do [ __ ] love the new york scout is that the [ __ ] avengers blue jay building [ __ ] hell listen if you have a watch drawer if your watches inside said watch drawers are all spinning as though each is trying to get your attention to get you to pick them you're vaguer than whoever carly simon wrote you're so vain about this watch suggests it's february around 2 p.m even though there's no snow anywhere in this movie and a serious shortage of winter coats hats and gloves by outdoor pedestrians by the way where is this out in the middle of nowhere a mountainous region close to new york city did he drive upstate billy answering phone calls using your finger while driving at high speeds on this road this guy is driving 80 miles an hour on a curvy road in the mountains passing people in clear no past zones and he still looks at the x-ray how did crashing not happen well before this also he survives this so he crashed way the [ __ ] outside the city in the mountains but somehow his downtown new york city hospital he works at was still the closest hospital or else they flew way out of their way to take him where he wanted to go and he was able to tell them where he wanted to go no one could have done better i could have done better drug irony you've ruined me granted i drove super fast and distracted and flew off a cliff and should be happy to be alive but still it's all your fault strange asks his physical therapist sarcastically if he's ever known anyone to have this much nerve damage yet still recover and dude says yes and tells him about benjamin bratt and it's a miracle and a half that the only dude to do this because he went to the temple of whatever somehow had the same physical therapist a strange movie should have just had the temple order recruit his ass this oh yeah there was this one guy [ __ ] kind of insulting actually no one will be seated during the doctor strange wants to shave but decides not to shape scene i'm not getting any better but still as sad as that is you drove yourself off a cliff by driving like an [ __ ] late at night in the mountains i mean exactly how much empathy is this movie expecting me to have with this entitled sourpuss there are other things that can give your life meaning like wife like you their relationship survives this we are not friends christie we were barely lovers before turning this movie into a possible inception sequel it was briefly considered for a season four episode of grey's anatomy so doctor strange went looking for pangborn and movie skips over the part where strange was able to track him to this afternoon pick-up basketball game that is apparently inside a cage underneath an interstate or some point is movie skips over some impossible detective work to avoid showing how impossible it was in case you confused it with kathmandu tennessee [Music] i can see some sort of lucky break like this happening but what's more doe doing here in the marketplace today he's just standing around hoping to hear someone ask about a place where he works i guess white guy and kathmandu confronted by three attackers and punches one of them with his recently surgically reconstructed hand forget everything you think you know i'd like to forget this line of dialogue since it appears in roughly one of every six movies thank you ancient one for seeing me you're very welcome why the [ __ ] would you go through all this just to make a random stranger think someone else was the ancient one if you were just going to introduce yourself immediately anyway mr strange doctor actually well no not anymore surely isn't that why you're here well no actually he's probably still a doctor by degree and experience it's just that his hands don't work anymore i'm quite sure he came here to get his hands working again not to become a doctor again since that label surely never left also does this mystical kung fu school accept all comers because he got this place's name from a dude that actually rejected their philosophy and left and he just showed up on their doorstep and yet they took him in and deemed him worthy of training because why again did they just train anyone that shows up i spent my last hour getting here on my ticket and you're talking to me about healing through belief isn't that exactly what pangborn told strange before he made this trip that getting his mind right is how he got his body to heal hell let's replay that scene my mind was elevated and my spirit deep in somehow your body healed hell you weren't even skeptical you filled in the blanks on your own oh cool a butterfly but even in this astral dimension how does the butterfly live in space or am i missing the point i'm probably missing the point this universe is only one of an infinite number oh my i just realized how marvel intends to keep its mcu properties going perpetually using these doctor strange infinite universes and that's bad it opens the door to the marvel cinematic multiverse to pad the runtime the ancient one's compound goes all fight club for a few minutes caicilius still has the stolen pages if he deciphers them he could bring ruin upon us all how long do you think it'll take him he took that ages ago in movie time are you all just hoping he has a super slow translator or some uh what's this my launcher the wi-fi password haha that's funny but why would you give him a card with a strange word on it and not tell him it's the wifi password as soon as you give it to him also that password is super hackable the language of the mystic arts is as old as civilization that sentence literally means nothing how do i get from here to there how did you get to reattach severed nerves and study and practice years of it the ancient one suggests it will take years years of study and practice for strange to master this art but the movie will suggest he does it in mere months because the movie is cheating why do you wait so long to do this ritual he stole that book way back in the first scene and even though we don't technically know when that happened in the timeline it suggested it was before all the doctor strange happened which means this guy broke in killed fools stole the book then took what months to do anything else after that which is weird right mads mikkelsen said i'll take this role but only if i can have something [ __ ] up with my eyes casino royale is a tremendous hit basically because of the i think i control it by surrendering control that doesn't make any sense you must not have seen the matrix movies or harry potter 8 or star wars i just don't understand how you can be the chief librarian of a magic training complex and this is something that any [ __ ] can do if they feel like it why aren't there any other defensive measures in this place also somebody doesn't hear anything going on because they're wearing headphones cliche and if i told you everything else that you don't already know you'd run from here in terror what every officiant should say to every groom and every wedding ever when he first came to us he lost everyone he ever loved fights position what's weirder that he gets full internet access in the training dojo or the fact that he sends emails with the largest font imaginable the director said let's have your character eat an apple it'll make it look like even more of an [ __ ] well heroes like the avengers protect the world from physical dangers not a marvel movie if we don't spend a lot of time talking about other marvel movies resorceress safeguarded against more mystical threats hmm why can't you also use your powers to protect it from physical dangers again where were you during all the times the world was in total danger you don't think they could have used some magic outside of scarlet witch a being of infinite power and endless hunger on a quest to invade every universe and he hungers for earth most of all but somehow this being of infinite power can't crack sanctum magic okay this movie just showed us doors that transport them from their dojo to one of the three sanctums on earth now inside one of those sanctums strange finds some more instant transport doors all of which is kooky to me since we already saw that they can use a glowy orange spell thingy to transport so why do they need all the [ __ ] magic doors the master of this sanctum shows up to defend it just as the bad guy appears but where was he while strange was wandering around this joint literally yelling hello also i mean they placed one guy in charge to guard all this stuff and then they wonder why it fails these guys aren't particularly clever pan-dimensional beings they killed the master of this place immediately with a sword fight but strange who is super inexperienced they take a bunch of time just with him why it doesn't feel like this fight should be in any way close i know that strange has learned a lot in a short amount of time but this guy's been doing it for years and should be able to see things differently to the point strange shouldn't even be able to escape during this fight once again people with superpowers end up making this a fistfight with a few kicks thrown at many becoming the few becoming the one man he totally butchered that rather con quote [Laughter] wait a minute is this movie saying she can't see the two astral projections fighting so why could she clearly see strange when he was helping her operate on it this is known as playing fast and loose with the rules also i kind of find it hard to believe that the physical structure of this hospital has anything to do with the physics of these astral projections why are they slamming against walls when they should just be going through everything so physical voltage translates directly to astral projection strength for some reason honestly this might be the most baffling thing in this movie i mean he [ __ ] exploded that guy's ghost and it caused the real world bad guy's forehead to smolder that bonkers they broke a bunch made tons of noise during that revive him so his ghost can electrocute another ghost stuff but still all alone and unbothered in a new york city hospital operating room i talked to someone called the ancient one so you joined a cult no wait a minute you can't be this dismissive about strange when you just saw him as an astral projection a minute ago he can't suddenly turn into dana scully after you bore witness to [ __ ] magic during the entire time strange was on the operating table and beating up a low-rent magic henchman nobody walked into this closet and noticed a portal to another world also holy that thing is indefinite he has to manually shut it down why didn't the movie explain this better when they spent about 15 minutes on this wait he didn't do anything to shut it down he just went through it and it shut down like it's some kind of round-trip portal when he clearly used a one-way portal back to calmer taj from mount everest earlier and that portal isn't still open at least i think it isn't right right i would make yet another comment about how wasted rachel mcadams is in this movie but instead i'm compelled to talk about the storeroom this is a supply closet look how [ __ ] big it is look at how much square footage is utterly being wasted here how does this hospital not have more storage devoted to toilet paper you defended the new york sanctum from attack through sheer [ __ ] luck what is he talking about i'm talking about her long life the source of her immortality she draws power from the dark dimension to stay alive you mean he's never once wondered why the ancient one has lived so long their connection to the dark dimension makes them more powerful in the mirror dimension they can't affect the real world but they can still kill us and why didn't cecilius do this himself earlier unless you're telling me that he doesn't have the power to make a mirror dimension which i highly doubt you know what i wish i wish these stan lee cameos somehow told a story over the course of many movies like if you piece them together it would be something mind-blowing instead they continue their pointlessness just so you marvel fanboy can say oh look there's stanley look i know it's the mirror dimension which the movie has defined as basically literally anything goes but he's folding the city supposedly but the part top left he's folding in is actually the same exact mirror opposite of the city's scape that he's folding it into here here here here these are all the same buildings he's somehow doubled the city upside down and movie wants me to act like he bent manhattan in half or something and here movie is doubling down on its lie as every building top or bottom appears different than the building it's about to impact suggesting this is literally a city fold and not an upside down city clone while i give the movie points for visual ingenuity they've basically created a finale fight where literally anything can happen which is the biggest cheat of all also it's important to note the magic cloak does virtually nothing to help save strange's life during the sequence despite its obvious ability to do so if it wanted i think the mirror dimension is one big middle finger to cinemasins well she certainly waited long enough to make an appearance jesus lady what were you doing in the last 15 minutes meditating strange realizes his shaky hands are bad and finally concedes to the inferior surgeon he hated earlier this is supposed to show growth but honestly if his hands weren't shaking he'd still have insisted on doing the surgery himself he has not grown at all really see this time when strange brought in an emergency surgery patient half the [ __ ] hospital responded unlike last time when he and christine basically had an unchaperoned picnic date in the operating room okay i feel like i'm giving this movie more sins removed than i should but hot jesus that slow motion lightning is just the coolest freaking touch in this astral projection conversation what was the cloak doing during that entire emotional relationship conversation with christine just hanging back giving strange some space i'm guessing the filmmakers just wanted a cool draw my cloak to me shot and didn't give any more thought to it choose your weapon wisely seems like these guys have multiple warriors who can protect a sanctum so why did the manhattan branch employ one dude go on the wrong side of history or maybe dare i say it the wrong side of history i'll give myself five cents for that though mamamoo is coming and right on cue the main bad guys just happen to be walking down this very street for some reason in the end is this any different from superman flying around the world to reverse time yes yes it is but i still want to complain about it mainly because there's supposed to be consequences to using this power and apparently there are none so with everything going in reverse is there any real danger here isn't this like just rewinding an old vhs tape can you actually physically be in the way of something that already happened did i just write that sentence there are so many space baddies in these marvel movies now i totally expect thanos to show up during this confrontation with a completely different space patty dormammu i've come to bargain and this is what we come to see in movies completely creative humorous new way to fight the bad guy strange takes a fairly innocuous warning about time powers from earlier in the movie and turns it into pure gold i'm removing two synths for this great scene one of the more memorable of 2016. in case you confused it for usually has something to say on shots like this we could have seen this in the doctor strange sequel right i don't know this end credit scene thing has its purpose for sure get you excited about the next movie that's salesmanship i just don't know the purpose of getting excited about a movie that won't come out for hell even marvel doesn't know when that's happening so continue [ __ ] with movie theater ushers marvel by god you need to continue this silly to pad the bank account which is 80 spider webs at this point you make so a few dollars marvel studios vines for the most obnoxious logo oscar and i hate to tell you this marvel but you're going to get beat by blumhouse in case you confused it with missouri jupiter holy 1980 kurt russell effects are pretty amazing took me at least 20 seconds to figure out i wasn't watching used cars but sin for making me think i was watching used cars dairy queen product placement is so ridiculous and obvious it should be in wayne's world i guess these letters and numbers are some sort of coordinates which just like latitude and longitude i don't [ __ ] need also how in the name of math could this many planets be clustered up together like this as if to remind us that peter quill is from 1980s earth peter uses an electronic football game machine as a portable radar of some sort two questions how did peter take so many items with him when he got abducted in 1988 and why the [ __ ] would he need to hack into this electronic football game to create a radar oh i can't be mad at this movie now look how cute groot is and this opening dance with all the mayhem going on around it is so fun damn it you put me in a good mood guardians of the galaxy too but also groot will later prove to be super helpful in battle even while tiny so this opening scene just makes him look like a selfish dick by the way all the characters fighting this alien survives stuff like this in the middle of this fight rocket sees baby groot almost eat an insect and decides to tear himself away from the way more important action to stop him and how did he even see that bug anyway me isn't drax just like a big dude with no special powers how the [ __ ] does he jump this high and far also in this hero purposely gets swallowed by a monster cliche i'm gonna wonder why don't the monster's stomach acids kill these people there is a cut on its neck and what caused this cut on the monster's impenetrable skin video game designer also if the alien skin is tough why does a sword suddenly slice through him even with the cut it's not like the skin underneath the cut is suddenly weak because the cut exists we could not risk the lives of our own sovereign citizens every citizen is born exactly as designed by the community she just went from regular dialogue to expositional nonsense with no warning i see it within you an unorthodox genealogy guardians are hired by a race of people that can read into his lineage just by looking at him a topic that just so happens to be extremely important to the story how have they not lost his ass at this point even by accident that's funny we can make kurt russell look 29 but we can't make a space confrontation look unlike titan ae our heroes are now being attacked by the sovereign who hired them for that job they just completed all because rockets stole something and my point is that none of this matters this is all just noise until we get to the kurt russell stuff this could literally be any attacking fleet right now it wouldn't matter it could be the klingons and most of us wouldn't even bat an eye space battle yay we're not killing anyone all those ships are remotely piloted wait a [ __ ] minute didn't they hire the guardians to kill the space monster we saw in the opening credits and didn't the high priestess say we could not risk the lives of our own so how would they have risked the lives of their own citizens if they use remotely piloted ships we hired them and they steal from us it is heresy of the highest order technically speaking heresy is a belief or opinion contrary to orthodox religious especially christian doctrine basic stealing doesn't seem to be covered here can't you just call it theft fire was the intent to kill the [ __ ] they've been doing firing with the intent to miss to make it through that you'd have to be the greatest pilot in the universe taking a look at this asteroid field you'd also need extensive battletoads experience find a luck dragon and watch the empire strikes back asteroid field sequence more than 50 times for pointers and you'd still die from this i have famously huge turds we're about to die and this is what we're discussing gamora would be amazing at cinemasins also how is this ship configured where two people can pilot the goddamn thing at the same time they went around the field if there are still hundreds of ships ready to shoot down the milano how come everybody was crowded around zylak a minute ago as if he was their last chance to shoot it down also look at this victory how is the ship not freaking go exploded literal deus ex machina i know gamora is a badass and i have no question of her skills but there is no [ __ ] way she's holding on to this spool and heavy ass drax while the ship crashes once again the starship enterprise crash lands through a bunch of trees and oh you're telling me this isn't the starship enterprise but a rip-off of all the starship enterprise crashes that have occurred in all 48 movies okay still listen drax comically slams into trees and doesn't comically die we almost died because of your arrogance more like because he stole annulax batteries i can't believe i'm saying this but i'm 100 with peter quill on this one after all these years i've found you and just in time to save the day too what are the odds appears that biff tannen from back to the future 2 joined forces with joker from the killing joke to create a city for this movie guardian series continues to push howard the duck at us without an apology hey you're out of luck until you've gone done you're lonely now until you've gone cow you're stuck here until you've gone full deer you're a masturbator until you go gator hey marvel do you not have enough characters in these things avengers infinity war already has infinity actors in it it promises to be the no man's sky of movies in 15 years we'll be buying tickets to save chris evans because he's stuck in a deleted scene multiverse ender's game technology will be added to the reclining seats at your local movie theater i mean jesus but you'll never hear the hordes of freedom when you die you do i think it's pretty hilarious that this group race club of ravagers has a super strict moral code i also find the horns of freedom to be hilarious but most hilarious is this obvious foreshadowing of yondu's death you broke all our hearts guardians of the godfather 2 sovereigns decide to travel all the way to a remote planet to propose a deal with yondu when i'm pretty sure a [ __ ] phone call of some sort would do the trick do they have phone technology in space do they have to travel everywhere been together this whole time you thought yondu was my actual blood relative you look exactly alike one's blue man everyone in this movie would be excellent at cinemasins that is called a practical joke thank you very much i just made it up somehow against all odds the former wwe personality has become the best thing about these movies as a kid i used to see all the other kids off playing catch with their dad and in the first movie peter quill had mommy issues in the sequel he's got daddy issues in the third one it'll be trouble with the in-laws time basically meet the parents in space that's my point peter what if this man is your hasselhoff this [ __ ] shows up and says he's quill's dad quail is immediately suspicious but the usually guarded and skeptical gomorrah is gonna pull heartstrings and talk quill into believing if anything based on the last movie quill should be stupidly ready for puppy love with his new daddy and gamora should be the one trying to talk some skeptical sense into him is this spray thing actually repairing the [ __ ] ship magic metal and complex mechanics at your fingertips i think if under oath even james gunn would admit this scene is only here because he desperately wanted a slow motion cool walk sequence and this was the best place he could find to put it certainly the tell rocket what a dickiest moment just before this does nothing to lead into a cool slow-mo walk scene after 20 plus years quill somehow still has the david hasselhoff picture that was just mentioned one scene ago this probably isn't as impossible as the walkman that still works but it's pretty darn improbable i can also alter emotions to some extent yeah like what like say a screenwriter needs something to happen in their movie and they run into a wall they invent my character to solve a problem which will involve someone's emotions stuff like that how in the name of math could all these why is this movie so obsessed with cramming up teen heavenly bodies into every space shot i mean granted these booby traps end up being useful but exactly how much ship repair time did rocket waste setting all this up there was that much work to do why'd they leave only rocket and baby groot [Music] if rocket was smart enough to set up booby traps for the ravagers why is he in any position to get seen or shot during the sequence i put a tracer on your ship back there during the war over xander yeah figures space tech allows for easy tracers but not tracer detectors we ain't stupid enough to help kill the guardians of the galaxy this feels like something that could have been discussed a lot earlier if yondu was so sure his crew would accept the quarter million for the batteries then why didn't he just say so from the very beginning [Laughter] no one will be seated during the yellow submarine portion of the movie it was with meredith that i first experienced love i have so many questions about this 3d display that aids ego's story like is this a simulation by a computer is it ego's thoughts either way you slice it why do the characters look like wax models i like this better than holograms for sure but seems like ego could do better than this and when i heard of a man from earth who held an infinity stone in his hand without dying i knew you must be the son of the woman i loved so why did it take until just before quill got shot down by the sovereign for you to find it also ego completely glosses over the teamwork portion of the first movie's infinity stone survival scene it takes a long ass time for this guy to die in space and i'm pretty sure everyone from dr neil degrasse tyson to tim robbins in mission to mars would tell you his death would be near instantaneous i am not as easy mark as an old man without his magic stick talking woodland beast give me nebula one on one or even one on five of these guys but she is surrounded what the hell are they waiting for doesn't she have a bounty on her head too look if everything on egos planet is going to be plastic and wax looking you might as well take me to madame tus just you know the wax museum that i'm thinking of 42nd street in manhattan next to the amc empire and the mcdonald's that thing my mother told everyone my father was from the stars it's like that movie star man it was a john carpenter film who worked a ton with kurt russell back in the day but he put jeff bridges in the movie instead i guess kurt russell finally got to play star man take your brain to the center of this planet peter quill doesn't respond with what and gets this done on the first try which is a sin but thank god because this movie still has over an hour left and just like that movie has given peter quill his long sought after catch with dad moment it's just instead of a baseball they're using the soul of a planet field of dreams eat your heart out something i must tell you but gamora's opening a door will prevent me from telling you this very important thing until it's too late he offered me a place with the ravagers said all i needed to do was like a professional [ __ ] or what movie speaks directly to me and gets it 100 right groot who previously was in a cage before the ravagers started beating him up and throwing alcohol on him is allowed to walk around the ship because everybody got super drunk i guess and luckily he charlie brown walks to the exact area the ship where rocket and yondu are quick side note but why do these ravagers all sleep together also why was no one put on watch this little tree [ __ ] duty overnight groot cuts off some dude's toe without him feeling it i guess when ravagers drink they drink the top shelf blackout stuff that allows you to lose limbs without pain he hates hats on anyone not just himself maybe this is part of the joke but if rocket can understand groot like this and groot can understand rocket then how is he not getting the message about yondu's fit that ain't it director's brother ex machina gotta admit this yondu arrow scene is pretty awesome funny and entertaining good stuff worth a sin off baby groot kicks ass here despite having gone the entire movie not kicking any ass why is there any tension in this goddamn movie jesus is a lightsaber crossed with a patronus charm meets lemba spread somehow yondu missed taserface during his whistling spree despite the fact that he's killed more people than was originally shown on the ship this piece of the ship doesn't explode because i guess the movie told it not to it ain't healthy for mammalian body to hop more than 50 jumps at a time we're about to do 700. so you guys should totally die doing this right it should do way more to you than comic face distortion right is groot my million dance with me christ this movie runs in place while peter and the gang are on the ego planet sure there are some fun moments here and there but i just end up remembering the avengers going to hawkeye's farm and age of ultron i finally found my family don't you understand that she should since she's the one that pushed you to come here before suddenly doing a 180. prometheus school of god dammit if she just run towards the ship she'd have eliminated about 80 of the bullet danger i'm just saying is the ship's aiming computer faulty or she just really good at running is this ship seriously running into rocks and still moving we were just trying to kill each other but now i'm going to save you so our characters can reconcile cliche look we're in a movie that is a little bit more comedic than usual but i'm about a lot of [ __ ] to give when it comes to how many things these people survive this isn't even an attempted humor it's just people surviving an impossible explosion do not tell me what i want i don't need to tell you what you wanted skip just once i'd like to see this [ __ ] change the batteries in this thing or show a kind of mr fusion contraption he has up in this mug to keep it running brandy you're a fine girl what a good wife you would be jesus christ can we move the plot now you played catch with him 25 minutes ago can we get to the [ __ ] point i don't know if i've ever been simultaneously entertained and bored at the same time in one movie come with me oh she knows something it makes me worry about stuff and things imagine being with you physically the whole drax fines mantis disgusting thing was funny the first couple times now we're just wasting more time why did the movie spend so long trying to make it seem like kurt russell was the good guy all the stuff with yondu was more than enough to tell you the ego was not the father peter was looking for at that time i was a federal express man stan lee cameo tries to retroactively justify stan lee cameos as the watcher which only makes all stan lee cameos that much more annoying i know who you are boy because you're me i'm glad this movie could work on so many daddy issues over this weird celestial tapestry father's leave no need to be a [ __ ] not one of them carried the celestial genes until you peter out of the thousands of women he successfully got pregnant peter was the only one that might be talking out of my ass here but wouldn't a celestial gene be a dominant trait can someone do a punnett square and get back to me you're right we're family drax binge watched the fast and furious movies prior to this mission it broke my heart to put that tumor in her head why would you say this you killed my mother every [ __ ] one of these [ __ ] has a mom who not only dies tragically it drives them the winter soldier killed my mom martha why did you say martha i tried so hard to find the form that best suited you movie's gag of casting the real hasselhoff after all that talk of peter loving hasselhoff just ends up pulling me out of the movie which was already so ludicrous as to be skating on thin suspension of disbelief ice to begin with this is the sea knowing kurt russell he just smashed the most priceless walkman known to man in the shot out of the way this spaceship has boat steering wheels well once i figured out what happened to them other kids i wasn't just gonna hand you over okay so how did you find out about the other kids you know what never mind i think the real issue here is how lucky peter was to have literally thousands of other kids get kidnapped before so that yondu could finally figure out that those other kids were getting killed okay before taserface died he sent the sovereign the coordinates for yondu ship coordinates that could only send them to where the explosion happened after that rocket punched in the coordinates for the ego planet a planet that took 700 jumps from those original coordinates the sovereign could have put their best trackers and blue tick coonhounds on the trail and they would have never found where yondu's ship went in literally a million years movie asked how many sudden ships do we need to show before it becomes overkill then answered that question with three times more than you think this is the problem with the sovereign still lingering around in this movie all for some batteries with almost no explanation of their importance they bogged down a finale that could have been pretty simple and turn it into jupiter ascending levels of noise and cgi battles thrilling climactic scene but why does human peter quill need a space mask but raccoon rocket does not is there air you don't know movie cuts away from this battle because even it knows how useless it is shut up and give me some tape so later we find out nobody has any tape to mark the button groot isn't supposed to press but couldn't a lot of things mark this button a magic marker a felt pen a [ __ ] magic marker this is the second time this movie has tried to ring laughs entertainment out of showing us characters near the battle and fudging the actual battle in the background this will be the second time the sovereign has one tiny ship surrounded shoots a million photon torpedoes at it and somehow fails to bring it down meanwhile all their ships get destroyed by a literal ex-machina the only thing missing from this shot is scarlett johansson cocking a gun damn does yondu's arrow ever suffer from wear and tear what the [ __ ] is that thing made out of it says here yaka is that adamantium and vibranium rocket throws some round things that cling to ego's tentacles and the tentacles are ready to crush rocket but then a force field happens because that's something rocket has all of a sudden and i have no idea what just happened you saw it i saw it gamora and nebula crashed headfirst into a rock and they're gonna live what's that he says welcome to the frickin guardians of the galaxy and yet telling him what button not to press is still a [ __ ] ordeal okay i seriously can't believe this movie comes down to a fist fight between a human and a planet does a movie not know how it pixels this [ __ ] is also you have two gods turning into huge rock monsters and that's the result they crash into each other and we're back to where we started for [ __ ] sake i mean yondu is mostly redeemed here in the sequel through sheer screenwrite but let's be honest he's still a dick and peter barely had any time to bond with him as anything other than a slave owner also no i sent word to yonder's old ravager buddies and told them what he did i don't know these guys were pretty adamant about yondu breaking the code do they really think one sacrifice cleans up his record and they just believed a rascally raccoon when he told him the story i can't believe this movie's over and they didn't even put tango and cash in a scene together what the [ __ ] sweet another contraption that i should know about that makes comic book fans cream their jeans they should turn these mid credit and end credit scenes into a youtube channel they'd clean the [ __ ] up on dangling exclusive content full of gadgets and characters that nobody except the most dedicated fan cares about there are four credit scenes in this thing five if you count the discount yondu scene with kraglin they tack on more stan lee at the end too enough's enough marvel i'm gonna fight for my movie theater ushers here you're going down marvel you've got nothing but a billion dollars and a crazed devoted fan base what does that get you what i ask you kids got a future tombs friend would totally say she here but the movie decides to play its own version of the pronoun game to hide a future twist please turn over any and all no one saw that a lot of [ __ ] who made this mess of getting paid to clean it up okeem woodbine would be excellent at cinemasins i tell you what let's keep it the world's changing it's time we change too and like that he's a villain this is as good a time as i need to mention that the collective timelines of all the films in the mcu is basically okay i initially ignored the 35 seconds of two sony company logos at the start of the film but if you're going to prologue and then give me a 35 second marvel logo five minutes into the film and send an action twice new york queens narration just making a little video of the trip you know you can't show it to anyone yeah i know then why is happy letting him film this at all no one has actually told me why i'm in berlin or what i'm doing i have to say peter's cell phone captured video journal is way too over edited almost like it's a marvel film hey may how you doing what are you wearing something skimpy i hope stark's continued commentary on may's attractiveness has now officially moved from the creepy column to the offensive column just a stupid dangerous thing to do in view of all the school's front windows look at all those goddamn windows how's your eye italian jesus christ dear kevin feige get your marissa domey boner in check because it's starting to creep us all out gotta admit i'm not a fan of the stark spidey suit spider-man is cool because he's smart enough to build a suit himself i don't need another iron man thank you very much okay i'm not made of steel spider-man giving directions to an older lady is exactly what spider-man is all about and this movie just turned a sin off don't make me come down there you stanley cameos have become caricatures of themselves at this point what is that thing tombs has been selling this alien tech for the past eight years and this is the first time spidey or anyone else has seen any of it spiderman is fighting the avengers in a bank on 21st street this is supposed to be funny and play off of what spider-man has already said but clearly this guy can see from across the street those aren't the avengers so why tell the cops that yeah happy the craziest thing just happened to me happy hasn't answered peter's calls or responded to any of his texts for the past however many weeks but conveniently chooses now to answer one of his calls in queens where every other resident is old with nothing to do but spy on their neighbors nobody sees this isn't he close enough to close this door with his hand does he need to shoot the web other than to further sell his in the room right now best friend's reaction peter just came in from the window directly behind ned how do you not see him or sense him this movie leads you to believe spider-man doesn't have spidey scents or doesn't have it yet why is that exactly what is removing that from the mythos of this character adding turkey meatloaf recipe is a disaster i could have told you that before you started cooking but whatever i need a new backpack that's five how many new backpacks does he need before aunt may starts asking reasonable questions ten fifteen five clearly doesn't cut it can you spit venom can you summon an army of spiders the series of ned asking questions to peter is hilarious you know him too yeah we met i stole his shield but there is zero chance no one sitting around peter and ned can't hear what they're saying pretty sure this guy's a war criminal now but whatever i have to show these videos this guy has a point also public school in a nutshell everyone okay another sin off this is funny and all spider-man in the suburbs but there are a bunch of trees he could be swinging off right behind him in this shot alone how did these stupid ass henchmen think they could demo a blue alien explosion gun without anyone taking notice and peter just happens to be acting indecisive on a roof to conveniently see it i just need something to stick out somebody i'm not trying to shoot them back in time look it may be hard to buy a gun in new york but it's gotta be easier than getting access to the only dudes that have this technology right if childish gambino just wanted to stick somebody up why not just go with the finger in your pocket technique movie steals an outtake from us somehow spidey survives this fall even though later karen tells him that falling off the washington monument would be lethal [Music] iron man x machina to the [ __ ] max iron max machina that is not what you thought when i took on captain america trust me kid if cap wanted to lay you out he would have basically the whole problem with civil war in one sentence if you come across these weapons again call happy considering he never answers the phone when peter calls i'm not sure how this is good advice and how the hell did the cell phone even survive that thousand foot fall and submersion in a lake a few minutes ago sorry peter i guess we're still losers i'll see you tomorrow let's see no arms going didn't ned get a ride from may to the party how's he getting back home i'm the shocker i shocked people what is this pro wrestling hot damn even this movie's main villain would be excellent at cinemasins what if you can afford me out there though right everything i know not tom hardy is not too bright to be threatening not birdman like this [Music] yeah that seems smart also peter decides to try and get to the bottom of the whole purple gun thing mystery during class and somehow doesn't get discovered these guys would not be strolling around a 2017 new york high school during operating hours without raising some sort of suspicion spidey homing bacon kind of lame thanks tony stark for ruining most of what made spider-man cool the date for the academic decathlon on this poster says it's on september 14th however the poster from earlier in the movie showed it being from october 13th through the 15th tony stark billionaire and genius can't create tech a high school sophomore can't hack into detecting three individuals giving spider-man his own jarvis is yet again anathema to what spider-man is all about does it make sense in this universe with the way they view stark to introduce spidey yes but as much as i enjoy this movie i must repeat that i am knocked down with iron man spidey and yes you comic fans i know there's an iron spider thing in the comics i don't care activating instant kill no no no no no i don't want to kill anybody deactivating instant kill why would tony even put this setting in the suit and how does it work exactly all of a sudden his webs become poisonous you have 576 possible web shooter combinations jesus these are webs i don't want these webs neither do i peter neither do you want you appear to have a mild concussion no lie the nfl sued sony for this line of dial activating reconnaissance drum spider god spider god there's literally nothing this suit can't do for him it's literally not a spider-man movie unless the girl he likes ends up in mortal peril literally this is your chance peter kiss her why in the ever loving [ __ ] would tony stark write a suit ai for peter that gives him relationship advice and honestly who would trust relationship advice from something written by tony stark anyway i don't see how [ __ ] up your mode of transportation is helpful facial recognition on the footage of that encounter talk to me when you're smart enough to suggest this without being asked stupid suit lady karen i record everything you see that's super convenient for peter right now also how doesn't stark have access to this footage um that looks terrible a red and blue paper airplane would look more like a gliding spider-man than that does activate hey wait a second he didn't give any such command back before casually tossing grenade wep but later he has to say grenade to get that web setting if only there was a large body of water close by to throw this in this spray a bunch of webs and when it doesn't work use brute strength sequence is way more like the subway scene in spider-man 2 than i think this movie intended jesus christ poses jesus how the hell did tony know to bring these things the ship only split down the middle like 90 seconds ago does he just always travel with dozens of tiny thruster bots is everyone okay no thanks to you there was almost zero chance no one died in that incident everyone else said i was crazy to recruit a 14 year old kid everyone else was right well this is the fakest background that ever faked being a background i guess you already have a date to homecoming actually i'm so busy planning and i never really got around to that part so yeah i know that girl has a date a backup date and three hot friend zone dudes on stanbot i know many of you love this moment and more power to you but the sheer odds of peter's nemesis being the dad of a state are just i mean you could win the lottery more easily you disappeared like you always do like you did in dc too movie mostly redeems the coincidence dad thing with this scene where he realizes who peter is and which ends with one of the coolest hero villain conversations ever i'll kill you and everybody you love this entire scene absolutely rules another sin off but also you might want to pull away from the very public place you're currently in front of before pulling out that gun gotta go i'm sorry why does he have to go other than there wouldn't be a movie if he doesn't the sanest thing to do here would be to call happy and let him know you've discovered the identity of the vulture and he's got something going down tonight how did shocker know this was the door peter would come out of how the hell did vulture even have time to call shocker and get him here to do this peter went inside for like 45 seconds shocker must have been in the trunk of vulture's goddamn car shocker kicks the web shooter instead of crushing it or shockering it i get that spider-man has insane strength but he doesn't have the stark costume on anymore he's basically just wearing a hoodie so how was he not cut up all to hell here and or knocked unconscious he was knocked unconscious earlier while in the better suit after hitting the top of the transport truck i know when bronzino's fresh and that was not fresh is there some weird comic thing with spider-man and branzino because in the amazing spider-man the dialogue makes a point of saying they're eating branzino at gwen's house this is just too [ __ ] weird to be a coincidence right you gotta be happy hangs up on ned and basically creates the need for this movie to even have a climax he takes this call like a normal human being and iron man ends this in about three minutes flat we just gotta load tony's old hulkbuster armor prototype for cap's new shield and the megan the meg the thor's magic belt it's the macguffin plane i'm looking at [ __ ] love porn why wouldn't peter just web up tombs right now you know how this wouldn't have been an issue if peter had webbed up both [ __ ] hands couldn't he at this point like step forward there's literally nothing in front of him right now retro reflective panels engaged how did tombs crew know so much about this moving table and that the plane will be cloaked just one scene of them paying off a guy on the inside is all it would have taken if they've got these alien balls why do they even need to make the weapons and sell them they could just enter vaults or whatever they wanted to and steal all the money they needed they'd be set for life they went to this much trouble with security and got or built a [ __ ] invisible jet but didn't put any locking mechanisms on the actual crates themselves just a difficult homecoming yeah on the outside of an invisible jet ah finding my gopher's dad cute line but she is not your girlfriend she only went out with you once to a dance where you immediately abandoned her sony made a movie and marvel said hey let us edit that fight scene for you in our signature style and sony said no way but marvel did it anyway good thing no one was hanging out on coney island on this night the spider-man also resistant to fire somehow between the ferry and the plane and now this he should just be ash at this point my friends call me mj what [ __ ] you movie i thought you didn't have any friends i didn't and why do you now exactly you've done nothing but flip people off and make mean drawings of them this entire movie so what happened to change all this and i'll introduce the world the newest official member of the avengers why would tony go from i need the suit back to your part of the avengers after one heroic moment from peter he took the suit for peter going after the vulture and then when peter goes after vulture again boom welcome to the club he's still a 15 year old kid where's the kid he left pepper's here too this really does feel more and more like iron man 4. ha ha they tricked you robert downey jr i know you said you didn't want to do a fourth but they tricked your ass what the [ __ ] peter really needs to learn how to close and lock a door patience the movie's final end credit scene is a big old few to everyone that stayed to watch something at least a smidge more entertaining than a troll 41 seconds of logos you know if this disney fox merger goes through there's a good chance it's going to result in even longer opening logo sequences with even more logos per film and that's going to suck i don't know what you're thinking oh no floor's in a cage how did this happen thoration where i met you someone get this skeleton an agent because it has tremendous dramatic timing thor son of odin holy sh that's clancy brown things just got about a hundred times more parallax up in this joint also this is what happens when you open up your superhero cinematic universe to aliens gets wonky and cartoony in a hurry just ask steppenwolf who incidentally is also a giant on fire alien monster i cannot die not until i fulfill my destiny and lay waste to your home what a shitty destiny for him and everyone else he's like an intergalactic airbnb nightmare then you have seen ragnarok the fall of asgard ragnarok credits the great prophecy prophecies also great prophecies oh we suffer all will burn this entire opening scene is villain monologuing done to the extreme knock that tiara off your head and stash it away in asgard's fault right next to the thing this guy wants needs to combine it with are you crazy hammer porn though i'd caution you not to search a real porn website for hammer porn unless you like smashbox and improvised dildos why not start with that why waste the 25 seconds individually smashing enemies if you can do this did he just like level up or something while thor thoroughly beats certain ass here i'm wondering what was the point of keeping thor prisoner why not just kill him wouldn't that probably be an important step in fulfilling the prophecy does certain know that thor will make the right decision to put his horns on the eternal flame later the odin charged heimdall with negligence to do he but he disappeared before the trial goddamn scourge do you ever stop expositing you were literally telling those girls plot stuff before thor arrived and now you're telling him pot stuff i'm supposed to announce your rival [Music] [ __ ] off dude there is no point in jogging to the city to arrive ten minutes after thor like you've accomplished something also note to asgard invest in intercoms and or radios or shorter bridges i'm sorry about that thing with the tesseract between this euro trip jay and silent bob strike back finding forrester and entourage i'm thinking matt damon has a shot at the best collection of cameos a war that doesn't exist do me a favor lock this away in a vault so it doesn't turn into a giant monster and destroy the whole planet the one thing that can fill the prophecy of surter changing into mecha godzilla is kept in the only place where it can cause harm this is like if you buried parallax in the pet cemetery also planet planet at the end of this thing we will see your entire civilization as a city floating through space on a jagged rock it's a comet or an asteroid way before it's a [ __ ] planet the male and female actors behind thor here are socially at faking conversations so important you would ignore the first appearance by thorin years that i'm wondering if they want a contest to appear in this scene you had one job just the one that's true but also thor can fly which can't really be this guy's fault can it if you were worried about thor returning to asgard without you knowing it you should have picked a better herald i can't believe you're alive it's why in general you can never take death seriously in these movies big dramatic death scenes turn into parody plays starring matt damon and you don't have a phone no i don't have a phone but you could have sent a electronic letter it's called an email while this banter is pretty funny you've got to think doctor strange has ways of communicating that don't involve phones or emails look at this place it's beautiful wow norway looks fake no i've stopped ragnarok i put an end to her it's already begun she's coming odin who is thousands of years old plays the pronoun game so that thor has to ask who the hell she is goddess of death ella your sister how does odin have a daughter that he's kept secret all this time and while he admitted he screwed up by not telling thor about her and what she can do this sounds more like the type of thing where the character of odin didn't know about her either until the script for this movie was written couldn't stop it so i'm prisoner isn't that virtually the same thing what a crazy universe we live in when someone can imprison a person with magic but can't stop that person with the same magic on a different path now this you must face alone well thanks dad you created this mess by your own admission and then you waited until you were this close to death to even tell us about it god damn space catwoman is hot okay so if hell's power is drawn from asgard how is she able to do this on earth odin told us her powers would be limitless on asgard so how is this not already limitless it's not possible why did hemsworth decide to channel shatter for this scene i have it on good authority that this script started out as maleficent too and this is the only thing that survived from the first draft two mythical beings will now resort to punching each other while flying through a wormhole that's what einstein would have wanted movie casually kills a couple of thor's buddies and it should be a lot more meaningful to us because of what they mean to thor but it simply isn't thor crash lands on a planet full of trash and tell me this isn't the same place where the transformers found themselves in the transformers the movie we're about to hear dare to be stupid during a fight scene aren't we the purge ragnarok somehow all this misses thor many apologies your majesty it's kind of crazy how little this movie has to do with ragnarok it's like a side quest that you play in a thor rpg if you had the time when we last saw hella she was at the by frost gate and had killed two people now she's deep into the city surrounded by a giant army of asgardians what exactly transpired where she walked from one end of the city to the other and drew this kind of an audience without the army trying to attack her immediately i thought you'd be happy to see me maybe give them i don't know any kind of proof that you're actually odin's offspring and maybe they'll come around you just said some now you seem shocked no one believed you what is even the point here she defeated and banished thor and loki with ten percent of the effort she's putting forth here dispatching the generic asgardian army can't she just do something that doesn't make this movie over two hours long the answer is sakar it's awfully nice for this planet to have the infrastructure to put prisoners through a virtual epcot center ride that gives them all the details they need to know about the planet they're on it is the collection point for all lost and unloved things not true because i see neither my college temple of the dog cd nor my college self one of which was lost and one of which was unloved so the rumors are true every 20 years or so jeff goldblum emerges from his hibernation to feed mate appear in movies and become a big deal for three to four years before going back into the ground in 20 more years he'll be in the avengers infinity star wars and be the priest at the han solo peter quill wedding you don't need to be afraid unless you're made of scissors just a little rock paper scissor joke for you in space way out in space they still do rock paper scissors how did you end up in here oh well i tried to start a revolution but didn't print enough pamphlets so hardly anyone turned up has no one been taught our history you've been banished for decades but you finally come home and expect the society that banished you to have taught your story to impressionable kids scourge somehow avoids getting his head smashed in by all that ceiling that just crashed down with the eternal flame you are reborn that's exactly what this person who has so much power she can take out an entire army by herself needs an army also this eternal flame has a ton of uses doesn't it it's how certain will become a huge colossus when he puts his horns in it and it can raise an army of the undead it's one of those weird elements in movies that do whatever you need it to do at a moment's notice it's so useful it makes you wonder why it hasn't been used until now oh a green glowing army of the dead and kate blanchett what lord of the rings similarity will this movie think of next [Music] movie's soundtrack briefly thinks it's running underneath the blade runner sequel the grand master created this place to be whatever he wanted it to be so why did he create a world where this shitty glitchy hologram exists chris hemsworth is way way better looking than me [Music] [Applause] yes this movie's pretty funny isn't it i have to get off this planet okay ha ha we all remember what hulk did to loki in the avengers but he's been here for weeks and he's in good standing with the grand master so how does he not know the hulk is here after weeks of being on this planet he would have at least been given a description of this guy right oh banner i i never thought i would say this but i i'm happy to see you you definitely know better than to address hulk as banner or to think one can influence the other alright this is what we've been waiting for hulk versus thor we haven't seen this ever except in the first avengers on the airship and thor had his hammer hulk should probably make quick work or thor under those circumstances since it was essentially a draw the first time but probably not over three minutes of marginally thrilling no stakes gladiator fighting between two avengers basically space civil war on a smaller scale civil war sliders if you will i'm sorry is this hammer supposed to have the power of thor's real hammer hulk just threw thor like a tennis ball a second ago and now with a random huge hammer thor's able to bat hulk around like bryce harper in a little league game well they finally did it they turned thor into raiden wouldn't the ability to shock thor be impossible at this point since he's got the power of lightning at his fingertips tell me about yourself scourge you see we need to fill some time while thor and the others try to get off set car i don't have much of a character other than i'm evil and want to rule the universe so you need to fill in the gaps ah the gunslinger will be safe here welcome to zion how'd you arrive here quinjet that still doesn't answer the question yeah the quinjet can be used to fly in space but of all the places in the universe hulk could have flown that quinjet the fact that he just happens to be on this planet is 2009 jj abrams star trek spock cave level of improbability where's the quinjet now showing where the quinjet is will require a naked hulk to simply point out the window rather than just telling thor where to look this heimdall vision is super convenient did we even know this was possible that heimdall could bring someone to asgard via vision this doesn't work being a really bad friend the avenger is civil for didn't see that did you how did thor know how this remote works so that it would release him from the chakra thing the button he's pressing here is no different from what valkyrie pressed to shock him earlier and considering how this movie works i'm surprised he didn't shock himself for a big laugh point break welcome point break good thing this ship is still totally functional after being here on this junk planet for nearly two years nice work big guy we don't know where ultron's headed but you're going very high very fast this is not what she said in age of ultron in that movie she said the job was finished and absolutely nothing about the whereabouts of ultron it's almost like this movie needed an easy reference for which movie this was from so they invented an alternate recording just for the scene why does this old message from black widow cause his transformation back to banner now but didn't do so when she originally sent it i've been hulk for two years yeah about that how does banner's demeanor stay sufficiently angry even during sleep to stay hulk for two [ __ ] years if you were to give me 12 hours i could bring them both back to you alive i could do into what is this name that tune just both go and try and do it jesus is there any reason only one of them would get sent after thornhulk i just don't get loki at all he has all these illusions at his fingertips but instead of using that he's like a guy from death wish trying to rob charles bronson i'm terribly sorry it must be a very painful memory loki taps into the mind of valkyrie to see the trailer for valkyrie not to be confused with the tom cruise tries to kill hitler movie this is just gorgeous everything about this scene is wrath thing i said out loud somehow comes out of character's mouth at the same time well isn't that the most convenient appearance ever not only did valkyrie find a way to go to the exact place she needed to be at this moment but the beast that was about to hit thor also had a controlling device on his neck is that a dragon fan more importantly are those grapes [Music] it's kind of amazing that the grand master allowed valkyrie to continue to have control over all these prisoners after she sold them to him why doesn't he have his own controlling devices on them once the sale is complete we are not doing get help characters do the thing that they said they wouldn't do immediately after saying they wouldn't do it cliche all right you can figure this out it's just another spaceship well that was easy that's right you can stand on top of a spaceship that explodes not get hurt at all and by some sort of magic you can get thrown to another ship and grab it by the seams as it hurtles through the air how are all these ships missing valkyrie mario jumps her way across the bad guy ships to do some miracles and it's super fun choose one of your phds none of them are for flying hayley spaceships okay movie you can't have it both ways you can't ring comedy from banner shouting about how hard it should be for him to fly an alien spaceship then have him fly it perfectly for the rest of the movie um no even the special effects think this is [ __ ] guys we're coming up on the devil's anus man this movie has more utterances of the word anus than most anal porn or even most proctology lectures well executioner does she have any reason to have kept him around she hasn't relied on him for local knowledge he's not any stronger than the next asgardian she can execute people herself quite easily this character is here so that he can have a change of heart at the end but i can't think of a single purpose he serves for hella other than to stand and watch or listen while she does and says expositional things that we the audience need to learn here up in the mountains heat signatures people clustered together how is it so easy for this ship to find the people and thereby the bifrost sword but the god of death who flings daggers with her brain and crushes magic hammers wasn't able to find it until she threatened to start beheading fools and someone told her where it was wow she really did the eyeball math on those doors perfectly i'm not sure i understand thor's battle plan here the last time he ran into hella she started his hammer into oblivion he doesn't realize yet that he can control his power without the hammer so what's the plan yeah no one wanted to see what happened next or anything how in the [ __ ] did a slashing metallic weapon cause that wound but no signs of damage outside the eye this stupid dog won't die the wolf is immune to bullets because we need a reason for banner who has been useless as a character here to turn back into the hulk you wanted to know who i am you'll see [Music] this is just plain awesome even though edward norton did this in the incredible hulk and it wasn't played for laughs i don't think i quite understand how bruce dying makes the hulk emerge but i think it's consistent with what these movies are saying is possible so i'm removing a sin for this yeah no one wanted to see what happened next anyway i'm the goddess of death luckily this triggers thor's dumbledore dream so odin can give him a message from beyond the grave or ether or wherever odin went that hammer was to help you control your power to focus it it's now your source of strength thanks dad you could have told me about my power way before this literal x-mock in a dream sequence but i realize these revelations need to arrive in the stupidest way possible our scout is not a place never was like idaho still begins one of the longest walks ever so that the heroes can figure out how to fight hella the truth about ragnarok and the very meaning of life before she arrives the longer hell is on how's god the more powerful she grows hella has shown nothing but complete and utterly infinite power since she first showed up in this movie there isn't a gauge for how much more power she can attain she's shown zero weaknesses and there isn't anything in her arsenal that could be more effective this was never about stopping ragnarok this was about causing ragnarok well it's a good thing he didn't take cinemasins advice and take certain crown light years away from this place but it's not like you knew that then yes loki's going to steal this because loki's got a loki my question is if he had free reign on asgard for as long as he did why hasn't he already stolen this thing and used it yeah good for you for finally doing the right thing after all those times you did the wrong and horrible thing all is forgiven carl urban commando do you really think it's a good idea to bring me back to earth no especially since you [ __ ] already agreed it would be in loki's best interest to stay on sakaar and you know doctor strange is going to floaty up once he arrives do you guys forget everything in order to service the future plot because space is apparently a one lane highway thor's arc runs into thanos's ship on the way to earth to infinity war and beyond yo can't have a revolution without somebody overthrow so uh you're welcome and uh it's a tie aren't you glad you waited through 10 minutes of credits to see that holy crap so many revelations for the future of marvel there man i am glad i prevented the ushers from cleaning this movie for that it is the collection point for all lost and unloved things our very strength invites challenge fear leads to anger anger leads to hate hate for more than a year donald trump has been the people's champion they can take a whole country down in one night you never see them coming i'm a surprise kevin they don't see me coming i didn't kill your father my name is you killed my father prepared to die analyze his fight pattern first distract target then block his blind jab counter with cross to left cheek discombobulate dazed he'll attempt wild haymaker employ elbow block tony i could use a good man to help me get my project on wheels i'll keep an eye out for you and the chess board ready so no matter what i promise you if you need us should you need us yes should you need us for any reason at all i'll be there [Music] [Applause] [Music] we must protect this house will you protect this house to reprogram nerve cells to self-heal you think that's air you're breathing now touching hands [Music] fear does not exist in this dojo [Applause] [Music] all of your work is done pedal to the metal commander maybe you just liked me when i was on my ass cause it made you feel better about yourself where are you taking me come wendy let us try to jump the hilly brush i can't believe i fell in love with this i love you jenny mutation it is the key to our evolution i regret nothing you people have issues well of course i have issues [Music] where are you i'm batman hey suit lady yeah i kind of feel bad calling you suit lady i think i should probably give you a name samantha like liz no no no what about karen samantha peter don't tell harry the world's changing it's time we change too you either die a hero or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain but the animal is inside out and it exploded oh [Music] what she's too strong without my hammer i can't the ring is bopkins i found it in that crackerjack box the schwartz is in you lone star it's in you i cannot die not until i fulfill my destiny and lay waste to your home whoa is my hair out meow [Music] yes you must give us all a good spanking

Channel: CinemaSins

Views: 1,506,540

Keywords: wave jockey job, cinemasins, cinema sins, everything wrong with, eww, movie, review, movie review, Marvel Cinematic Universe, MCU, Infinity Saga, Marvel Reaction, tom holland, benedict cumberbatch, chris evans, chris hemsworth, zoe saldana, marvel, marvel movie, Captain America: Civil War, Doctor Strange, Guardians of the Galaxy: Volume 2, Spider-Man: Homecoming, Thor: Ragnarok

Id: QXaDIuL65rY

Length: 81min 25sec (4885 seconds)

Published: Sun Jul 10 2022