Everything Wrong With Fantastic Beasts: The Secrets of Dumbledore

this episode is sponsored by better health as always we here at cinemasins want to remind you to prioritize your mental health that's why we wholeheartedly recommend better health it's an online therapeutic resource that will assess your needs and match you with your own licensed professional therapist all from the comfort of your home to get started head to betterhelp.com cinemasins answer a few questions about your state of mind and before you know it you'll be matched with a therapist who will work with you oh yeah and you also get 10 off your first month when you click that link below now on to the show [Music] [Music] discovery there are two sets of people who should have noticed this styling of underground look like a the transit authority and the producers of this film but neither of you did and now you're the ones who look like this okay let's hit this early i love matt mickelson you love matt mickelson but casting him to play a character formerly played by johnny depp is like replacing a rum vodka and cocaine cocktail with a refined chianti it's weird even if i do prefer the county i was committed to me to us i almost want to remove a sin for the sheer commitment to the telenovela moments that these movies seem to want to push but i hate it and it's dull so here are 10 sins instead do you really intend to turn your back on your own kind this franchise continues to eric charles mutant debate so hard that i wouldn't be surprised if it's one overly stuffed box office crash from going back to the 60s with a new cast i mean ahead to the 60s with an older cast look i'm saying we've seen this before can we move on paddleboarding in a suit i thought you were taking the wizarding world into an american story quit fussing it up with your english sophistication so you're just going to trust that raft to be there when you return let me guess there's some sort of convenient spell that makes it invulnerable to the current too bad if it's magic show me the magic three movies in and still the suitcase fantastic bambi's and where to birth them newt whistles and somehow that was a cue for a creature conveniently waiting within reach of the lid to force its appendages out of the suitcase and then somehow know which way it's supposed to escape what happened to accio again this suitcase and the hippogriff it rode in on or strapped inside of it oh no newton his friends just got zapped and fell to their doom nope saved by water but what if they drown nope they immediately and conveniently wash up somewhere this chase has all the suspense of a boiling kettle but with somehow less payoff this is the end hold your breath and count to den let the sky fall twins you know trench fantasy story uses twins separated at birth to drive the plot cliche also we don't know it yet but this creature giving birth to twins is the only reason that grindelwald is eventually defeated forget dumbledore being the greatest wizard of all time forget any sacrifices that might be made it all comes down to this completely unplannable fluke of nature just a reminder that all this is happening inside newt's infinite bag of holdings which feels like a direct rip-off of mary poppins satchel of never-ending interior design which itself feels like a take on doctor who's traveling paradoxical box what is it with the british and wanting everything to be bigger than it appears baby root just put glasses on and i need to know who had the ability to not only diagnose his prescription but also craft the lenses do they have microbotometrists just on call here deo sex whatever this isn't a this movie is called fantastic beasts the secrets of dumbledore and i still don't understand how we landed on this series being under the fantastic beasts umbrella the first movie was just called fantastic beasts so where to find them it was part of the damn title it would make just as much sense if this movie was called the secrets of dumbledore and where to find them actually that makes more sense when a children is born a righteous leader will rise to change our world forever prophet's position fantastic fawns and where to murder them seriously the opening 15 minutes of this movie is a great mess of miserableness imagine taking your kids back to the movies after two years of isolation only to see mads mikkelson going full killing of a sacred deer also doing your strangely public chilling killing in a suit i thought we were taking the wizarding world into an american story quit fussing up with your english sophistication also also yes we know there's some disagreement on if it's pronounced chilling or chilean or killing but they say chilling in the movie so we're going with that and the rest of you can just chill the out they put up a wanted poster complete with a photograph of a shapeshifter am i missing something here he can take on any form he wants right why does he have to look like johnny depp or mads mikkelsen has newt told you why you're here was he meant to no pointless conversations can i ask what would possess you to make such a thing because it's awesome maybe like if this was possible and you're even slightly a pacifist wouldn't you make one of these with just about anyone you could unless you want to go around attacking people i'm struggling to see the downside here blood truths for all we were young we were going to transform the world this ensured that we would even if one of us had a change of heart but how can it possibly ensure something that only one party wants if the point of the blood truth is to prevent one person from moving against the other doesn't it mean that both of their wishes would have to be respected shouldn't grindelwald's mission to exterminate muggles count as moving against dumbledore's wish to protect them why doesn't this thing work both ways and no i'm not going to read the book this isn't even based on the blood truth is now attacking dumbledore because he's thinking about going against grindelwald but isn't he planning with others this entire time how to take down grindelwald and isn't grindelwald doing the same at what point does it become active pursuit enough to count against him albus is basically the church kid who wants to save themselves for marriage but is now trying to figure out if count or not it can't be undone and yet the world as we know it is coming undone the 20s my goodness credence is kylo running so hard right now and i can't believe i didn't make this connection sooner he's the son of a powerful family who's been seduced by a dark master after being wronged as a child but is eventually so conflicted that he returns to the light but most of all the pants look at the pants hey we're queen oh cool finally some comic relief i remember these two are always a hoot together at least i know this scene won't be yet another morose an overburden non-magical conversation where characters process trauma from previous movies i didn't even give a about in the first place maybe if you waved your arms around you know like a crazy man this whole setup is dumb lolly is just sitting here waiting to be accosted and get the attention of kowalski and then she has to instruct them on how to make it look more realistic even though they've been in on it the entire time and it's all to suss out kowalski's ability to be a good samaritan which she already knows from being aware of his previous actions which even then why would she need to you know what let's just leave it at this works i'll be over for a game of befuddler dudley sue movie mentions a game called befuddler dudley and i'm immediately 1 000 times more interested in what that might be than where this movie is actually going a little over a year ago in the hopes of securing a small business loan usually when a movie forces exposition this hard it don't include an audience surrogate in the scene desperately trying to run away from said forced exposition it's almost like you're aware of how much we hate this we need you mr kowalski all right that was easy almost seems like that whole elaborate setup was completely unnecessary 30 seconds of drone shots of a moving train and a wizarding world property cliche whether anyone be better than vogel anyone i don't believe he's on the ballot khan force commander who isn't the smitty shaken mr scamander i can only assume that this portkey has been conveniently enchanted to wait until each person has been welcomed before depositing the next for maximum dramatic effect fantastic beasts is required reading for all my fifth years and yet somehow not required viewing for understanding anything going on in this movie grindelwald has the ability to see snatches of the future what a very specific and kinky skill i may have misunderstood how do you confuse a guy that can see the future countersight ah yes the idea that you can provide many possible alternate futures so that the future seer doesn't know which one the actual future is which in turn means they could never really see the future in the first place but only future possibilities which by the way exist whether you try to put them into intended play or not should i just set bullsh i feel like maybe i should have just said so this is the team that's gonna take down the most dangerous wizard we've faced in over a century mubi desperately tries to set up this underdog story forgetting that we have no idea exactly what they will be doing or how we should be rooting for them so go team do the stuff and things and such you're all right this suitcase makes less sense by the minute if it's supposed to be some kind of zoological tardis then how is the psychic pony resting here right at the top whenever the plot needs no one can know everything not even you and especially the audience most important that they stay super confused otherwise they might figure out how ultimately unimportant any of this middle party is the gang walks through this brick wall in the middle of berlin to reveal a new street filled with buildings in the german ministry of magic i'm assuming none of this is accessible to the zombie gigs so why don't the people of the witching and wizarding world just create more parallel spaces like this if keeping everything separate from the zebra decks is so important and if we don't hurry up we'll be late but why you can literally teleport and but because you're in a movie you have to create false tension by being late why what am i even doing here let's go outside i'm not very good in these situations yeah but that's not your fault jacob the script has really given you jack to work with and where is it you hear from mr kowalski queens ah movie has time for this baffling interaction that is briefly revisited later at dinner but goes nowhere how can a movie that is over two hours long still feel like it's missing scenes clicking your teak up 34 times when 5 would have been just plenty thanks no matter who should triumph the confederation will be in able hands but because none of the preceding 40 minutes has given us any context as to who these people are i couldn't give a which one wins and have no reason to believe either would be any better than grindelwald insufficient evidence exists to prosecute gellard grindelwald remember when everyone gave the star wars prequels crap because they spent so much time in the senate well we're about 45 minutes into this movie already and there has been a single five-minute skirmish and the rest has been political conversation and maneuvering how do movies forget so quickly what actually makes them interesting don't ask and dumbledore doesn't even though he really should this is some pretty suspicious to be going down in what is essentially your base of operations and you're sure that he can kill dumbledore his pain is his poem well sure but my pain is also my power and dumbledore kicked my ass so this doesn't seem like a valid response wait that's the guy oh i know him his name is convenience walking by it's amazing how often he shows up exactly when you need him to oh no a door i guess we're stumped no need to try any of that magic stuff we can do if the intent is to remain incognito a floating glove leading right to your location is probably a questionable choice i encourage you to attend tonight's candidate's dinner take mr kowalski i'm quite certain there'll be an assassination attempt how is dumbledore figuring this out we know grindelwald has his own abilities coupled with the foresight fawn but the backup divining doe is still in the suitcase with bunty now of course jacob gets accused of the assassination attempt but there's no way dumbledore could know this will happen simply because he sends him there and even if he could how does this help anything anyway the case yes rest assured it's in safe hands movie thinks that because it turned the age-old tradition of characters withholding information from other characters so the audience doesn't get ahead of the story into an actual plot point that it will keep me from sinning it move you should watch more sense videos i'd like to have this case replicated please the magicians capable of many wondrous feats can't magic up a few convincing replicas of this very generic looking suitcase queenie is he telling the truth so now queenie is a lie detector i get she can read minds but pretending what someone is thinking is a simple binary truth as opposed to a complex mash of multiple feelings about our own interpretations of what might be true or not and how our own personal narrative impacts what is and isn't truth or not is a bit silly then i presume you won't mind if i relieve you of your sister's memory the biggest sin you probably weren't expecting is poor youssef getting the absolute roughest deal of anyone in this movie he loses all the memories of his poor dead sister in the line of duty and it is never mentioned again merlin help me if they have to make a fourth movie it better be about yusuf unleashing an unholy theory upon the world for this also if this was part of the plan then dumbledore was a monster and maybe voldemort was right all along magically spitting on someone is still spitting on someone elvis do you know what it's like to have no one to always be alone the snake lady from the last movie called she says you dude did you ever stop to notice all the blood we shared before did you ever start to notice this grinder these weeping shores [Music] things are not quite what they appear credence stealing the augmented reality fight from spider-man far from home if i'm understanding this correctly and honestly dumbledore has created some sort of mirror dimension place to get the upper hand on credence blasted some inky parts out of him so that he could christ pose in the crystal waters of the purgatory puddle until his phoenix swoops in to sin eat his pile of vex grant i'm just saying this whole credence's clear water revival part is a little confusing what he's told you isn't true but we do share the same plan you are a dumbledore but i won't elaborate any further because i'm a bastard that can see you need peace but refuses to give it to you this single deer oh yeah newt's in this movie he's just a pet really the unapologetic shifts in tones movie pools are jarring as all hell we've just had a somber luke i'm not your father but i think i know him moment and are thrown straight into more discount baby groot shenanigans grubhub does everything have to be magic was this really worth the time it took to enchant it i hope like this is viewed with as much disdain in the witching and wizarding world as personalized number plates are in ours let him stand as a candidate let the people vote when he loses the people we'll have spoken we interrupt your harry potter fantasy movie with a clumsy allegory for 21st century politics we get it the masses must be heard but they also can't be trusted to not back anything that falls in the venn diagram of mindless potato and despotic war criminal nice try but this movie was never fixing that also even by our real world standards going from multiple murders to presidential candidate in the space of days is a bit of a stretch at least for now let's check back in six months and see if this still holds true it also looks like my uncle dominic is your uncle dominic the norwegian minister of magic he said it looks like him lolly not that he thought it was him how dare you take things out of context just so you can make a smart ass comment the nerve and now we interrupt your political thriller to bring you academy award winner eddie redmayne dancing with scorpio gorgons the music playing as the scamander brothers lobster shuffle themselves out of danger would be right at home in a super mario game and i just have to remind you this is the same movie that had these creatures feasting on a freshly discarded acid melted corpse less than 10 seconds ago swivel but delicately giving away all my special sexy time secrets close call newt for a second there i thought we were toast fortunately it's just killed this random dude that i'm sure doesn't have a family or loved ones assassin thank you movie this guy couldn't see jack from all the way over there let alone with jacob's back turned to him zack snyder's fantastic books on how to slow them so the scorpion king gets a hold of one of the scamander boys and then decides it's time for tug-of-war instead of using his acid spear tail all of a sudden is this big boss just randomly going through different attack patterns maybe this is a super mario game look the problem with side quests like this in movies like these is that i don't give a sh it doesn't matter i know there isn't a chance that newt and thomas nadia are dying here because i've seen movies before the really odd thing is that it's sidelining our damn protagonist quidditch man people actually play this game in actual competitions like it's not a made up sport for flying wizards or something that's it i'm starting at befuddler dudley league and none of you sons of quidditches are invited we encountered some complications but how do they know he's a muggle lolly made it look like all the shenanigans were coming from jacob and his fake wand so what gives and if they knew he was a muggle all along why was he allowed at the dinner in the first place the fact that everything didn't go precisely to plan was precisely the plan counter site 101 bullsh they say if you listen carefully enough the past whispers to you yeah it sounds something like exposition so if you are good and worthy then she'll see that these creatures are not named mule deer she bows but only in the presence of someone truly pure apart even more exposition snooping on someone else's reflex messages keller and i had made plans to go away together my brother didn't approve i can't say for certain it was my spell one minute she was there and next she was gone so aberforth disapproved of dumbledore taking a vacation with his boyfriend so they resorted to spells capable of vaporizing each other and their sister was killed in the crossfire that's up and unbelievable but even if we make mistakes and terrible things we can try to make things right i appreciate the sentiment i really do but sometimes maybe you're better off just deciding not to make the second and third movies you know in case you forgot about the murder of this innocent and adorable creature from the start of the movie to conceal our powers is not merely an affront to herself sinful did someone say something was sinful sorry i fell asleep during the tedious gain gazelle resurrection scene but i'm more than happy to oblige 18 seconds of putting the soothsaying service into a briefcase what is this place the room we require get it they will now execute a plan where the little guy could be in any of the five suitcases and all i have to say is couldn't they have started here for the record nobody ever died playing three card money to insinuate that no one has ever been killed in a game of gambling deceit like three three-card monty is downright ludicrous i know these happened after the movie's time period but a quick search shows a stabbing in arkansas in 2006 and a shooting in new york in the 90s both directly linked to revenge after losing money at three card monty people have been murdered for every gambling game throughout the history of time what a dumb thing to say this cough is so frustrating dumbledore knows which suitcase jacob should go for doesn't that imply he knows what's in all of them and if he does doesn't that mean grindelwald should also know this is why time travel in any form is an absolute plot but especially when you don't bother explaining any of the rules the chilean is the purest of creatures it cannot be deceived imagine if hogwarts had one of these dumbledore could have exposed voldemort in the first movie and saved a ton of lives it's almost as if these prequels contain things that don't exist yet in the future they may have the high ground but why are they so bunched together there are six different cases to track and they seem more concerned about maximum cinematography than actually catching anyone why aren't these two immediately splitting up the whole point of the plan is to divide and confuse grindelwald's thugs so having two of these distractions next to each other is rather spoiling that effect right movie brags about lolly being a formidable charm caster but completely fails on demonstrating the skill we get this one cool spell that turns this poor guy into graffiti but the rest is basically levitation in the wand version of a jedi force push cases please being held at one point continues to be the dumbest thing these movies try to pull it's not like they have a trigger if anything they're less dangerous at this range because it limits the ability to make the hand gestures required to cast spells also why not just zap them from afar or take the case angry but only angry enough to pursue you with the urgency of a limping michael myers scene does not contain an ashley joanna williams phoenix's are supposed to be incredibly rare and borderline mythical creatures and yet no one is paying any heed to the one following credence who is usually with one of the most watched people in the witching and wizarding world trying to make me care about ezra i mean trying to make me care about creating stumble door you know what dumbledore said to me [Applause] oh no the bad guys got the case whatever will they do all is lost look it's fine predicting where our story is going if the journey itself is enjoyable i feel like this movie hangs everything on dumbledore's genius suitcase switcheroo plan instead of having any fun yusuf was planted with grindelwald to feed dumbledore information but what exactly did he feed him all of grindelwald's plans other than the mughal murdering are public credence gives himself a way through the mirror messages and the rest of the plan is dictated by dumbledore somehow being able to predict the future other than creating and is he going to betray everyone b-plot what was the point of the barely 90 seconds that we get with poor yusuf she decided to walk this case halfway up these stairs and newt was allowed to follow just to have this gotcha moment here why is any of this happening this way since newt seems to believe that this is the case that contains the visionary venison shouldn't he also be mourning the loss of all the other many many creatures that he has living in there and if they're in one of the other cases that's even more up since they know going in and they won't all make it out galat grindelwald is the new leader of the magical world this is how they vote he announces the result immediately presumably based on these flag changing green but the ballot poofs haven't even finished yet or is it just based on a vague idea which color is more dominant is everyone that's eligible to vote voting simultaneously how are you deciding the next supreme top thumper based on this chaos this is the man who tried to take my life i think we're supposed to believe that jacob threatening riddlewald at the dinner and being apprehended here was part of dumbledore's plan as well but why to expose how evil grindelwald is the people that voted for him already know that this isn't some big aha look at me demonstrating my evil this moment people are cheering all this does is put poor defenseless jacob and queenie in harm's way [Music] no one can know everything newt remember okay let's talk about the hero's plan which by the way runs contrary to the whole no plan is the best planned thing but whatever so there are five cases and they are each told to pick one at random but when jacob goes to pick his dumbledore shakes him off to give the audience and the team a subtle misdirect that the cuddly king maker is in that one so newt snags that one real fast and then the others grab theirs with good ol bunty going last and taking the actual case of convenience but what if someone else had grabbed it dumbledore left with jacob already so he couldn't have stopped it and bunty couldn't have risked giving anyone else a heads up without spoiling it this movie wants to have its love when a plan comes together moment and eat it's it was all chance cake too and i'm just not having it look it's that one person that hasn't been in this movie at all but you're supposed to know now feel things another finale dictated by which fantastic wizard has the biggest or most colorful beam of light makes me wonder why the defense against the dark arts classes are so complicated when all they really need is a firing range and some paint also movies seem to be so concerned about collateral damage that these climaxes now exclusively take place in some sort of barren wasteland or alternate dimension not saying i want innocent bystanders to be injured but some kind of stakes would be appreciated thanks again man of steel [Music] this is going to be the greatest makeup sex in the history of makeup sex i can't wait why aren't we cut into a sex scene this isn't disney do it like they do on the discovery channel yay the nice lady won the election all as well except this completely overlooks that a lot of these people were cheering and rejoicing after gellert said oh wow with the knuckles begins today so what happens to them they're not just reacting to rhetoric they're ready to do some murdering but all is well because grindelwald isn't technically president also everyone is very quick to trust this predicteer after just being fooled by another future floof mere minutes ago can i keep this i can't think of anyone more deserving of this useless piece of wood that actually can't do anything at all and is of no use to anybody thanks for everything jakey he sought to kill isil to protect our spells men let's call it fate nah let's call it bull maybe we're nervous about something else huh i can't imagine what you're talking about three movies later and newt is still attempting to play coy with a mind reader this is what we're ending on newton tina this relationship that's been barely an afterthought in this movie tina is front and center in the first two movies and then she doesn't show up until three minutes left in this one despite the fact that it's her sister that needed to be saved from grindelwald i know they mentioned she's the head auror now or some being an r didn't keep her out of the other action and isn't keeping theseus out of the mix this time either fine take her out of the movie whatever but then why bring her back now this might as well be useful walking up right now yeah his part made no sense and played into the plot exactly zero percent but at least he was in the movie what about me how do i look pretty great for a man who should still be mourning the death of his tragically murdered fiance all right i'd do it again by the way should you ask oh i'm sure we'll be watching you do this all again even if nobody asks for it eddie i mean newt despite everything i still hope they make more of these movies dan foger is fun eddie redmayne is always entertaining jude law is a great young dumbledore i just hope they refocus on some of the whimsy and fun that was hinted at in the first movie instead oh my god how long are we going to watch him walking through the snow i take it all back you're a villain and you'll always be a villain you'll never change and you'll never leave thanks again to betterhelp for sponsoring this episode it's way too easy to forget to take care of your mental health if you're feeling like you need to speak to someone or you just need a mental health check-in betterhelp is an amazing online resource that allows you to do just that connect with a therapist in a safe and secure online environment and know this isn't self-help this is a real connection with an actual human being and you don't even have to put on outside pants to do it pajama bottoms or sweats are just fine with better health i know it can be easier to receive counseling without the need to go into an unfamiliar environment and it's not just structured appointments you can send messages to your therapist anytime check out information that's relevant to your needs and book your next appointment all on the same page better help is committed to facilitating great therapeutic matches so they make it easy and free to change counselors if needed head to betterhelp.com cinemasins to answer a few questions and get paired up with a therapist within 24 hours get a whole 10 off your first month by clicking that link join over 2 million people taking charge of their mental health again that's betterhelphelp.com cinemasins twins and twins tommy that's a fake thing you don't know what i've been through with you people what do you mean you people you're a wizard harry i'm a what your mission should you choose to accept it is to penetrate the highly secured archive inside the kremlin to save time we've chosen your team for you this message will self-destruct in five seconds you got hard kid where you from queens who are you you no not me you yes i am you you murdered his sister her name was lita the day bison graced your village was the most important day of your life but for me it was tuesday there will be no foolish wand waving or silly incantations in this class you bow to no one will cross the streams excuse me egon you said crossing the streams was bad

Channel: CinemaSins

Views: 559,167

Keywords: wave jockey job, cinemasins, cinema sins, everything wrong with, eww, movie, review, movie review, Harry Potter, Fantastic Beasts 3, JK Rowling, fantastic beasts, secrets of dumbledore, eddie redmayne, grindelwald, magic, film, wizards, mistakes, flubs, nitpicks, observations, jude law

Id: XTBRBdKE0dQ

Length: 26min 51sec (1611 seconds)

Published: Thu Aug 18 2022