Everything Wrong With Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2

Marvel Studios vines for the most obnoxious logo Oscar and I hate to tell you this Marvel but you're going to get beat by bloom house in case you confused it with Missouri Jupiter holy 1980 Kurt Russell effects are pretty amazing took me at least 20 seconds to figure out I wasn't watching used cars but sin for making me think I was watching you as cars Dairy Queen product placement is so ridiculous and obvious it should be in Wayne's World I guess these letters and numbers are some sort of coordinates but just like latitude and longitude I don't need also how in the name of math could this many planets be clustered up together like this as if to remind us that Peter quill is from 1980s earth Peter uses an electronic football game machine as a portable radar of some sort two questions how did Peter take so many items with him when he got abducted in 1988 and why the [ __ ] would he need to hack into this electronic football game to create a radar mmm I can't be mad at this movie now welcome cute Groot is this opening dance but all the mayhem going on around it is so fun Emmett you put me in a good mood guardians of the galaxy 2 but also group will later prove to be super helpful in battle even while tiny so this opening scene just makes him look like a selfish dick by the way all the characters fighting this alien survives stuff like this in the middle of this fight rocket sees baby Groot almost eat an insect and decides to tear himself away from the way more important action to stop him and how did he even see that bug anyway me isn't Drax just like a big dude with no special powers how the does he jump this high and far also in this hero purposely gets swallowed by a monster cliche I'm gonna wonder why don't the monsters stomach acids kill these people and what caused this cut on the monsters impenetrable skin video game designer also if the aliens skin is tough why does a sword suddenly slice through him even with the cut it's not like the skin underneath the cut is suddenly weak because the cut exists we could not risk the lives of our own sovereign citizens every citizen is born exactly as designed by the community she just went from regular dialogue to expositional nonsense but no warning I see it within you an unorthodox genealogy guardians are hired by a race of people that can read into his lineage just by looking at him a topic that just so happens to be extremely important to the story now that they not lost his ass at this point even by accident that's funny we can make Kurt Russell look 29 but we can make a space confrontation look unlike Titan II our heroes are now being attacked by the sovereign who hired them for that job they just completed all because Rockets stole something and my point is that none of this matters this is all just noise until we get to the Kurt Russell stuff this could literally beat any attacking fleet right now it wouldn't matter it could be the Klingons and most of us wouldn't even bat an eye space battle yay I'm not killing anyone all those ships are remotely piloted wait a minute didn't they hire the guardians to kill the space monster we saw in the opening credits and didn't the High Priestess say we could not risk the lives of our own so how would they have risked the lives of their own citizens if they use remotely piloted ships we hired them and they steal from us that is heresy of the highest order technically speaking heresy is a belief or opinion contrary to Orthodox religious especially Christian doctrine basic stealing doesn't seem to be covered here can't you just call it theft they've been doing a firing with the intent to miss to make it do that you'd have to be the greatest pilot in the universe taking a look at this asteroid field you'd also need extensive Battletoads experience find a luck dragon and watch The Empire Strikes Back asteroid field sequence more than 50 times for pointers and you'd still die from this we're about to die and this is what we're discussing Gamora would be amazing it cinemasins also how is this ship configured where two people can pilot the goddamn thing at the same time there are still hundreds of ships ready to shoot down the Milano how come everybody was crowded around I lack a minute ago as if he was their last chance to shoot it down also look at this great how is the ship not freaking go exploded literal day of sex machina I know Gamora as a badass and I have no question of her skills but there is no kin waiting she's holding onto the spool and heavy as Drax while the ship crashes once again the Starship Enterprise crash lands through a bunch of trees and oh you're telling me this isn't the Starship Enterprise but a ripoff of all the Starship Enterprise crashes that have occurred in all 48 movies okay still a sip Drax comically slams into trees and doesn't comically die we almost died because of your arrogance more like because he stoled annual axe batteries I can't believe I'm saying this but I'm 100% with Peter quill on this one after all these years I've found you and just in time to save the day - what are the odds here's that Biff Tannen from Back to the Future to join forces with Joker from The Killing Joke to create a city for this movie Guardians series continues to push how the duck at us without an apology hey you're out of luck until you've gone done you're lonely now until you've gone cow you're stuck here until you've gone full dear you're a masturbator until you go Gator hey marvel do you not have enough characters in these things Avengers infinity war already has infinity actors in it it promises to be the no man's sky a boo bees in 15 years we buying tickets to save Chris Evans because he's stuck in a deleted scene multiverse Ender's Game technology will be added to the reclining seats at your local movie theater I mean Jesus I think it's pretty hilarious that this group race Club of Ravagers has a super strict moral code I also find the horns of freedom to be hilarious but most hilarious is this obvious foreshadowing of yondu's death you blew all our hearts guardians of the godfather' two sovereigns decide to travel all the way to a remote planet to propose a deal with the on do when I'm pretty sure a king phone call of some sort would do the trick do they have phone technology in space do they have to travel everywhere then to get to this whole time you thought yondu was my actual blood relative you look exactly alike oh man everyone in this movie would be excellent at cinema sense somehow against all odds the former WWE personality has become the best thing about these movies it's a kid I used to see all the other kids off playing catch with their dad in the first movie Peter quill have mommy issues and the sequel he's got daddy issues in the third one it'll be trouble with the inlaws time basically meet the parents in space it's my point Peter what if this man is your Hasselhoff this [ __ ] shows up and says he's quills dad quill is immediately suspicious but the usually guarded and skeptical Gamora is gonna pull heartstrings and talk quill into believing if anything based on the last movie quill should be stupidly ready for puppy love with his new daddy and Gamora should be the one trying to talk some sceptical sense into him is this spray thing actually repairing a kingship magic metal and complex mechanics at your fingertips I think if under oath even James Gunn would admit the scene is only here because he desperately wanted a slow motion cool walk sequence and this was the best place he could find to put it certainly the TEL rocket what a Dickey his moment just before this does nothing to lead into a cool slow-mo walk scene after 20 plus years quill somehow still has the David Hasselhoff picture that was just mentioned one scene ago this probably isn't as impossible as the Walkman that still works but it's pretty darn improbable I can also alter emotions to some extent yeah like what like say a screenwriter needs something to happen in their movie and they run into a won't they invent my character to solve the problem which will involve someone's emotions stuff like that how in the name of math could all these why is this movie so obsessed with cramming up teen heavenly bodies into every space shot I mean granted these booby traps end up being useful but exactly how much ship repair time did rocket waste setting all that up there was that much work to do why did I leave only rocket and baby Groot if rocket was smart enough to set up booby traps for the Ravagers why is he in any position to get seen or shot during the sequence I put a tracer on your ship back there during the war over Zen yeah figures space tech allows for easy tracers but not tracer detectors we ain't stupid enough to help kill the guardians of the galaxy this feels like something that could have been discussed a lot earlier if Yan day was so sure his crew would accept the quarter-million for the batteries then why didn't you just say so from the very beginning no one will be seated during the Yellow Submarine portion of the movie it was with Meredith that I first experienced love I have so many questions about this 3d display that aids egos story like is this a simulation by a computer is it egos thoughts either way you slice it why did the characters look like wax models I like this better than Holograms for sure but seems like ego could do better than this and when I heard of a man from Earth who held an infinity stone in his head without dying I knew you must be the son of the woman I loved so why did it take until just before quill got shot down by the sovereign for you to find it also ego completely glosses over the teamwork portion of the first movies Infinity stones survival scene it takes a long-ass time for this guy to die in space and pretty sure everyone from dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson to Tim Robbins in mission to Mars would tell you his death would be near instantaneous I know mark is an old man without his magic stick we're talking woodland beasts give me nebula one on one or even one on five of these guys but she is surrounded the hell are they waiting for doesn't she have a bounty on her head to look if everything Ellen ego's planet is going to be plastic and wax looking you might as well take me to Madame Tussaud tout just you know the wax museum that I'm thinking of 42nd Street in Manhattan next to the AMC Empire and McDonald's that thing mother told everyone my father was from the stars it's like that movie star ma'am it was a John Carpenter film who worked a ton with Kurt Russell back in the day but he put Jeff Bridges in the movie instead I guess Kurt Russell finally got the place Norman take your brain in the center of this planet Peter quill doesn't respond with what and gets the stun on the first try which is a sin but thank God because this movie still has over an hour left and just like that movie has given Peter quill his long sought-after catch with dad moment it's just instead of a baseball they're using the soul of a planet filled the dreams eat your heart out something I must tell you tomorrow's opening a door will prevent me from telling you this very important thing until it's too late he offered me a place with the Ravagers said all I needed to do in like a professional [ __ ] movie speaks directly to me and gets it 100% right Groot who previously was in a cage before the Ravagers started beating him up and throwing alcohol on him is allowed to walk around the ship because everybody got super drunk I guess and luckily he Charlie Brown walks to the exact area of the ship where rocket and yondu are quick sidenote but why do these Ravagers all sleep together also why was no one put on watch this little dream on the core duty overnight Groot cuts off some dudes toe without him feeling it I guess when Ravagers drink they drink the top she'll blackout stuff that allows you to lose limbs without painting he hates heads on anyone not just himself maybe this is part of the joke but if rocket can understand group like this and group can understand rocket how's he not getting the message about yondu's fit directors brother ex machina gotta admit this yondu arrow scene is pretty awesome funny and entertaining good stuff worthless in office baby Groot kicks ass here despite having gone the entire movie not kicking any ass why is there any tension in this goddamn movie Jesus there's a lightsaber cross with a Patronus charm meets limbus Bret somehow yondu miss teaser face during his whistling spree despite the fact that he's killed more people than was originally shown on the ship this piece of the ship doesn't explode because I guess the movie told so you guys should totally die doing this right it should do way more to you than comic face distortion right is Groot man million dancing Christ this movie runs in place while Peter in the gang or on the ego planet sure there are some fun moments here and there but I just end up remembering the Avengers going to hawkeye's farm and age of Ultron I finally found my family don't you understand that she should since she's the one that pushed you to come here before suddenly doing a 180 prometheus school of god dammit if she just run towards the ship she'd have eliminated about 80% of the bullet danger just Sam is the ship's aiming computer faulty or she just really good at running is this ship seriously running into rocks and still moving we were just trying to kill each other but now I'm going to save you so our characters can reconcile cliche look we're in a movie that is a little bit more comedic than usual but I'm about to give when it comes to how many things these people survived this isn't even an attempted humor it's just people surviving an impossible explosion not tell me what I want I don't need to tell you what you wanted skip just once I'd like to see this [ __ ] change the batteries in this thing or show what kind of mr. fusion contraption he has up in this mug to keep it running brandy you're a fine girl what a good wife Jesus Christ can we move the plot now you played catch with him 25 minutes ago can we get to the [ __ ] point I don't know if I've ever been simultaneously entertained and bored at the same time in one movie come with me oh she knows something it makes me worry about stuff and things the whole Drax finds mantis disgusting thing was funny the first couple times now or just wasting more time why did the movie spend so long trying to make it seem like Kurt Russell was the good guy all the stuff with yondu was more than enough to tell you that ego was not the father Peter was looking for at that time I was a Federal Express man Stan Lee cameo tries to retroactively Lee justify all Stan Lee cameos as The Watcher which only makes all Stan Lee cameos that much more annoying because you're me I'm lying this movie could work on so many daddy issues over this weird celestial tapestry fathers leave no need to be a [ __ ] now one of them carried the celestial genes until you Peter Allen a thousands of women he successfully got pregnant Peter was the only one I might be talking out of my ass here but wouldn't a celestial gene be a dominant trait can someone do a Punnett square and get back to me you're right we're family Drax binge watch The Fast and Furious movies prior to this mission it broke my heart to put that tumor in ER why hey would you say this every [ __ ] one of these mother Chris that's mom who not only dies tragically it drives them the Winter Soldier killed my mom Martha why did you say Martha I tried boobies gag of casting the real Hasselhoff after all that talk of Peter loving Hasselhoff just ends up pulling me out of the movie which was already so ludicrous is to be skating on thin suspension of disbelief ice to begin with this is the scene knowing Kurt Russell he just smashed the most priceless Walkman known to man in the shop the spaceship has boat steering wheels okay so how did you find out about the other kids you know what never mind I think the real issue here is how lucky Peter was to have literally thousands of other kids get kidnapped before him so that yondu could finally figure out that those other kids were getting killed okay before taser face died he sent the sovereign the coordinates for yondu ship coordinates that could only send them to where the explosion happened after that rocket punched him the coordinates for the ego planet a planet that took 700 jumps from those original coordinates sovereign could have put their best trackers and bluetick coonhound on the trail and they would have never found where yondu ship went in literally a million years you'll be asked how many sudden ships do we need to show before it becomes overkill then answered that question with three times more than you think this is the problem with the sovereign still lingering around in this movie all for some batteries with almost no explanation of their importance they bogged down a finale that could have been pretty simple and turn it into Jupiter ascending levels of noise and CGI battles thrilling climactic scene but why does human Peter quill need a space masks but raccoon rocket does not is there air you don't know Ruby cuts away from this panel because even it knows how useless it is so later we find out nobody has any tape to mark the button group isn't supposed to press but couldn't a lot of things mark this button a magic marker a felt pen a magic marker this is a second time this movie has tried to ring laughs entertainment out of showing us characters near the battle and fudging the actual battle in the background this will be the second time the sovereign has one tiny ship surrounded shoots a million photon torpedoes at it and somehow fails to bring it down meanwhile all their ships get destroyed by a literal ex machina the only thing missing from this shot is Scarlett Johansson cocking a gun damn does yondu's arrow ever suffer from wear and tear cuz that thing may not up it says here Jakob is that Ana mantium and vibranium rocket throws some round things that cling to egos tentacles and the tentacles are ready to crush rocket but then a force field happens because that's something rocket has all of a sudden and I have no idea what just happened you saw it I saw it the [ __ ] nebula crashed headfirst into a rock and they're gonna live what's that he says welcome to the frickin guardians of the galaxy and yet telling him what button not the press is still a [ __ ] ordeal okay I seriously can't believe this movie comes down to a fistfight between a human and a planet does the movie not know how a pixel says this also you have two gods turning into huge rock monsters and that's the result they crash into each other and we're back to where we started for [ __ ] sake I mean yondu is mostly redeemed here in the sequel through sheer screen right but let's be honest he's still a dick and Peter barely had any time to bond with him as anything other than a slave owner also no I sent word the yonder's old ravage of buddies told them what he did I don't know these guys were pretty adamant about yondu breaking the code do they really think one sacrifice cleans up its record and they just believed a rascally raccoon when he told him a story I can't believe this movie's over and they didn't even put tango and cash in a scene together sweet another contraption that I should know about that makes comic book fans scream their genes they should turn these mid credit and end credits scenes into a YouTube channel they clean the [ __ ] up on dangling exclusive content full of gadgets and characters that nobody except the most dedicated fan cares about there are four credits scenes in this thing five if you count the discount yondu seen with Craig LEM they tack on more Stan Lee at the end - and that's enough Marvel I'm gonna fight for my movie theater usher see er you're going down you got nothing but a billion dollars and a crazed devoted fanbase what does that get you what I asked you [Music] [Music] maybe you just like me when I was on my ass cuz it made you feel better about yourself come Wendy let us try to jump the hilly brush I can't believe I fell in number the spaceman gentleman mutation it is the key to our evolution you people have issues oh of course I have issues Peter quill left earth with so much stuff it's a wonder he didn't think they'd grab some naturebox snacks of course he was abducted in 1988 and naturebox didn't exist yet and even the internet didn't really exist then the way we know it but just go with me just keep your mouth shut who better to take advantage of delicious and healthy snacks than a space cowboy we like star-lord he's always on the go fighting battles he needs energy right now if you go to naturebox.com/tyler first order if you use the code since that's a hot deal in brief things are hot hot hot my new favorite is the cheddar and hatch chili crackers oh my god not too spicy super cheesy just enough of both to be out of this world space they shipped to your door replace any snack you don't like and it's all delicious just go to naturebox.com/tyler Messines and sign up today for 50% off your first order when you use the code since that's a good deal base so go today don't delay snack away how about I just go eat some hey I can make things out of clay and lay by the bay I just made

Channel: CinemaSins

Views: 9,022,336

Keywords: cinema sins, cinemasins, Vol. 2, marvel, eww, part 2, wave jockey job, Guardians 2, everything wrong with, mistakes, Guardians of the Galaxy, review, movie

Id: G176UbWK6Sc

Length: 19min 7sec (1147 seconds)

Published: Tue Oct 31 2017