Everything Wrong With The ENTIRE Star Wars Original Trilogy

[Music] foreign [Music] I forgot what all that just said Stormtroopers with Infamous bad aim somehow managed to actually kill enough Rebel soldiers here to take over the ship they survived this Darth Vader could choke fools just by using hand gesture we learned that later on in this very movie so why is it getting all touched me in the morning with this Rebel scum man Vader's gotta get that close to a guy who's committed his life to overthrowing the government you get that close homie grab Vader's lightsaber and kill the Sith out of Mr suddenly touchy feely yo Vader choked that chicken from across the room bro and bring me the passengers I want to have a problem firing on the ship or having your Stormtroopers blasting away when they torch the door down Leia's plan is to shoot once at four Stormtroopers then Prometheus School of running away from things into the open hallway that offers new cover I'm not getting in bed didn't Vader tell these fools he wanted passengers alive hey it's a good thing that the Star Destroyer didn't completely swallow the smaller ship or else this Escape pod would have crashed into the floor somewhere hold your fire there's no life forms unless this is the first day the droids were released to an unsuspecting buying public everyone in the Galaxy knows about droids and their capabilities but they just let the Escape pod go because of no life forms they don't even want to shoot the thing down just to be safe man these guys are the biggest [ __ ] ups in all the Star Wars movies unless they're short-circuited oh right you're right that stupid assumption is the most likely reason for an escape pod to jettison from a recently captured Rebel Ship Under Siege Escape pod was jettisoned during the fighting but no life forms were born you mean an escape pod like one Escape pod why did the other guy say there goes another one which implies more than one droids are moving so slowly that there's no way they shouldn't be caught immediately by Vader's Troopers R2 well that's convenient they spent the whole afternoon going in opposite directions and still got to the same place those jaws cover some damn ground man also do they have this main sand crawler ship going around while they dump off loads of Jawas to hide in the mountains in case lost robots show up I guess you're right George this scene felt so incomplete without the CGI riding lizard in the background also isn't it lucky that these things have claws that don't leave any tracks that makes their appearance more cost effective and unrealistic that conveniently dropped pieces of themselves along the way like Brett gums robot roll call I suppose your program for etiquette and protocol Uncle Owen rejects droids immediately with a simple no and knows exactly what C-3PO does just by looking at but mysteriously talks to him anyway I'm guessing so C-3PO can persuade Uncle Owen to buy him but I was going into Toshi station to pick up some power converters all right every right thinking human being on the planet is gonna sin this awkward line and it's equally sinnable reading in heavens we were looking for some Daemon here and we got some Affleck instead but this power converted thing sounds like a lie to me man like when my friend Malcolm would say I'm going to City Walk eh and then he'd secretly hook up with dudes at Bear bars so I'm saying Luke wanted to go to Tashi but it wasn't his power he wanted converted he was sneaking away for public restroom rendezvous with arcturians man male or female don't matter with arcturium baby red Droid melts down conveniently so that R2 can get a job and stay with his buddy hey what are you trying to push on us hey yeah I mean I thought you were reputable salesman with your sand crawler full of random robot selections what about that one what about that blue one you mean the one you instantly dismissed earlier Luke is a teenager who plays with model t16 skyhoppers probably so you knew what to buy when you went to the toy store I'm not even sure which planet I'm on well if there's a bright Senate of the universe you're on the planet that is farthest from he's a Droid it's not your dude bro he doesn't understand sarcasm man homie may be fluent in over 6 million forms of communication but wise ass ain't one of them stop confusing your sex droids wait they're not sex droids the one shaped like a human and little Mr Right height they're not sex Droids no then that's a sin right there beautiful how can you tell it's a blue hologram full of 1970sness also if he can discern whether she's beautiful or not why can't he figure out that this is Princess Leia you know about the Civil War going on and she has the title of Princess so how is she unfamiliar to you called Obi-Wan Kenobi I thought he might have meant old Ben say both these guys named Kenobi you think they know each other homie changes the Obi-Wan part of his name and keeps the easily identifying Kenobi last name if he'd gone with Ben Johnson literally none of the rest of this movie could ever happen man and don't tell me it's because Kenobi knew one day or one day Luke would need to find a man he's in hiding like all the Jedi that are left alive just admit it man dude's got a good heart but he chose a stupid stupid Alias he has too much of his father in him that's what I'm afraid of understatement foreshadow is that under shadowing how is it this dark out with two sons do you think the combined power would make it look like daytime out here also Sun's this close together would cause Wicked Insanity on this planet one Sun would heat the other son dogs and cats living together Mass Hysteria foreign the director said okay Luke just stare at the Suns because any line you might say would honestly make this scene worse it's too dangerous with all the sad people that's racist look at there's a Droid on the scanner Dead Ahead thank God we went in the One Direction R2 did so we could find him hit the accelerator who's driving this thing you or C-3PO [Music] he's probably saying hold your fire there's no life forms obvious reverse job is obvious but instead of killing Luke he just knocks him out for some reason how did he knock him out it can't be what the weapon he's holding that's sure death if you get hit by that thing now that's the name I've not heard in a long time Obi-Wan basically half truth his way through this entire movie I was once a Jedi Knight the same as your father now this is the first time Luke's even hearing about his Jedi dad but the real news here is that his uncle has been lying his ass off for years man forget the dad you never knew stuff this Uncle Owen this farmer who's trying to pull moisture out of the desert like a dick he's the liar you always thought he was man your whole life is a lie get your revenge Luke you go back and you burn your lion Uncle alive right in front of his own hat up too late I'll just clumsy or random as a blaster damn Obi-Wan you might have wanted to tell Luke which way to point that thing before turning it on which is what I tell all my sex droids Luke could have accidentally cut off the head of old man Exposition movie franchise nearly sends Obi-Wan to his death 75 minutes too early ending said movie franchise again the force of the forces while gives the Jedi his power it's an energy field created by all living things and something about midichlorians but that's not nearly as cool as what I'm saying it surrounds us and penetrates us the force kind of sounds like a sex offender years ago you served my father in The Clone Wars anytime you want to tell Luke that this is his long-lost sister here's your chance Obi-Wan don't try to fragnos with your sorcerer's ways Lord Vader oh look at Mr keeping it real man this has to be his first day on the job am I right has Darth Vader never shown his powers at any time during this guy's life I imagine that right before he left for work his wife was telling him you got to be more assertive in that job if you want to get ahead honey don't be afraid to speak your mind to your bosses they like people who challenge him slow ass Stormtroopers only recently killed these Jabba fools they left the Star Destroyer one minute after the droids but are somehow a day and a half behind what the [ __ ] it looks like the sand people did this all right I've never heard of them hitting anything this big before they didn't but we are meant to think they did because Imperial Stormtroopers know a ton about Tatooine and sand people in order to frame their ass and these last points to Accurate for sand people only Imperial Stormtroopers are so precise laughs [Laughter] look I know we got to get Luke into space somehow but the stormtrooper's just going melt his aunt and uncle and don't think I don't know maybe we should ask some questions maybe we should figure out if this boy is coming home soon maybe with the droids we're looking for but they don't and they just leave they just create destruction just leave you know it would have been more metal than this if they rip the flesh from these dirt Farmer's bones and dressed up in their skins can you imagine that Luke comes home and he's greeted by storm troopers wearing the bloody skins of amparoo and Uncle Owen draped over their helmets and they're asking about droids like I would tell them anything man I'd even tell them what I was really doing whenever I went to Tashi station oh branded their truth serum robot so that all visitors know this isn't some knockoff death Starship here also how is Leia able to deny the truth serum's effects don't tell me she's a Jedi we don't know that yet and she doesn't know that yet and if she jedi'd her way out of this somehow Vader would have sensed it Obi-Wan said okay C-3PO let's burn a giant pile of Jawa bodies because that's the absolute last of their race and no one will ever miss them burials are foreclosers only I want to come with you even though I have tons of other options at this point also Luke doesn't seem all that broken up about his aunt and uncle dying does he he must have had a Titanic cry on the way to the jaiwan massacre site he will never find more wretched high will scum and villain except Gary Indiana of course oh you've got some obvious Phantom Menace in my new hope that's racist this iconic Tavern scene does not contain an alien lap dance among the many creatures here Satan also likes to hang out in the Cantina that's bassist we don't serve their kind here 3PO gets a taste of his own rhesus medicine 90 seconds after dismissing the Jawas I don't like the look of this all the unnecessarily added CGI [ __ ] me neither like every other citizen of the first world with enough time on their hands to care about this kind of [ __ ] we're also mad that Han no longer shoots Greedo first like the cold blooded badass he was in the 1977 cut of the movie so we're gonna send this but did you have to make Greedo such a horrible shot this might be the worst shot in the history of movies man he's literally three feet away and he misses like a dick dude's supposed to be a bounty hunter this is his first day on the job like the mouthy guy and the Death Star is Star Wars really a movie about a bunch of people starting their first day at a new job Han is addicted to Jabba's tail and these special effects are a dick to the audience Luke is the most annoying backseat driver since your mom commit primary ignition it takes 10 seconds for the Death Star to shoot its laser after this remember that kids when this takes forever later this yellow monster dies immediately from getting lifted what a [ __ ] you need to control your actions but it also obeys your commands oh wait what your eyes can deceive you don't trust them yeah but I'm gonna guess your eyes don't deceive you as much as everything else you use to detect next it's not like the Jedi is going around blindfolding each other before a lightsaber match yeah what a bunch of [ __ ] that is this [ __ ] Luke isn't feeling the force already after spending just a couple hours with that floaty ball I call it luck in my experience there's no such thing as luck you just experience luck it's okay to give in and accept it let the hate flow through you I told you she would never consciously betray the Rebellion and to emphasize this point I'm going to start gesturing after I talk terminate her immediately immediately on the Death Star means [ __ ] around for a couple of hours waiting for the Millennium Falcon to arrive and save the day uh we come out of hyperspaceable meteor showers did they get out of hyperspace just before chunks of Alderaan slammed into their ship because in my experience that's some serious luck right there also lucky is that the Death Star just happens to be around Alderaan right now that way you can save Princess Leia and this trip won't be meaningless well you ain't gonna be around long enough to tell anybody about us why is it taking so long to get in range to blast this one little TIE fighter this ship made the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs they must be trying to return the stolen plans to the princess she may yet be of some use to us you can't possibly think that they'll get the idea to rescue Leia from her prison or that they'll even find out she's here remember it takes a crazy ass plan to get into the control room and are two messing around with the computer to even find out that information even if you have an idea to capture them put them in lay a cell and hope she blams to them about where the secret base is this is silly Leia [ __ ] you and prove too strong for the mind probe so she's officially useless Darth Vader needs to start setting up charges on the Millennium Falcon take the Death Star plans back destroy Luke and execute Leia at the same time while his children get baptized in the Catholic Church Godfather style oh wait there's no one on board sir let me get this straight you have sensors that could tell whether there are life forms on an escape pod but you can't detect life forms on a ship inside the Death Star knowing this anybody could send a ship full of killer droids buried in the floorboards to kill and take out the entire Empire and people [ __ ] about our TSA prisons I've not felt since when since when there's no one here they've already reported a Vader that no one is here so these Stormtroopers were sent on the ship to basically what walk around and confirm what the last crew of Stormtroopers just did a second ago the Stormtroopers are still on the ramp exiting the ship and Han picks this exact moment to open the secret panel on the floor and also I guess he figures there's no way they're coming back or that it could be a trip I use them for smugly yeah bones smuggling I apologize that that joke fell Force snitch again but here's the thing your big conflict with Jabba was that you had to let go of cargo when you got boarded man but you have all these secret panels in the floor that the Empire can't find so why do you ever sweat getting boarded sounds like a rookie move like maybe it was your first day on the job or something like that this movie is just like the office in outer space man han is Jim Lucas Dwight and Greedo is like Ryan the temple and why did Obi-Wan get his own compartment while Luke and Han had to go three-way with The Wookie that beats my fan fiction but why oh so this is the scanning team why didn't some of the Stormtroopers stay on board until the scanning team was ready to go scanning the ship requires loading this huge cumbersome box on the ship itself I know this is set a long time ago in a galaxy far far away but you have technology that beats us here in 2015 and I know that simple Heat Signature technology would tell us there are [ __ ] on this ship Blaster fire inside heavily guarded ship raises no alarm or suspicion it sure is lucky that Honda Loop blasted the two Stormtroopers with the exact same size uniforms they needed and those suits are remarkably intact after getting blasted a second ago you know between his howling and you're blasting everything inside so one of the whole station doesn't know we're here Luke Skywalker 2 would be excellent at CinemaSins K data extraction also thankfully the Death Star has a computer port that has access to the entire station but also happens to match R2D2's output thingy what is it I'm afraid I'm not quite sure sir and keeps repeating she's here finds the problem with the pronoun game while R2D2 plays it who who has he found Princess Leia you just said you didn't know who he was talking about and R2D2 has not said anything since the conversation started well more wealth than you can imagine Luke is drawn by the power of boners to take on the whole goddamn death star and Han is drawn by the power of money boners there is no way the Empire created something so innocent and jovial Stormtrooper aim is only good while Good Guys occupy the costumes although it still kind of takes them a while too or in conversation anyway I'm surprised this radio didn't shoot on first Han and Chewie somehow need to retreat while holding this super tiny opening in the elevator these Troopers of car then the entire rest of this scene none of the Imperial Troopers come down this Hall and fire into this obvious Escape hole into the garbage compactor when did you ever have time to try shooting the door before Han jumped down to shoot man he jumped down four seconds after you did and how Chewbacca was standing there at the door when Han landed Sierra line [ __ ] Luke Skywalker I call you FIB Fortuna as a deep Cuts reference man achievements unlocked there's something alive in here the Empire just recently threw a live swimming creature into this garbage disposal just before our heroes jumped down in it because how else would it have survived the numerous amounts of compacting unless it's Gumby or something how does Luke get swallowed whole by the shallow water this creature is in okay at this point Luke is dead that dude drowned he comes from a desert planet with virtually no water and no practice with water he's out of his element the Empire is addicted to tall Stormtroopers if you hurry you might catch them they still aren't the droids we're looking for yeah what thank God for extremely slow trash compactors Han shoots one guy in the entire Stormtrooper unit starts running away and it's not like they're setting a logical trap because the ship is in a different direction will storm Helm Trooper if you strike me down I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine basically I'll be able to occasionally talk to Luke through ghost power so there honestly this is pretty badass and it makes sense for the plot too Obi-Wan knows he's outmatched he knows Luke would stick around to try and save him and would never get on the ship and so we will remove five sins for Obi-Wan's badassery right here no no here's a blanket Luke wouldn't want you to catch cold or something that's it we did it we did it for the record Princess Leia is a badass but in this scene she didn't do anything you're sure the her main Beacon is secure about their ship this might explain why the Stormtroopers were so awful at shooting Our Heroes earlier but how did they coordinate this plan with everyone on the Death Star was it make the shooting look good but don't hit them you might die but it's for the greater good or did Vader set it up so the heroes could Escape but didn't mind if they got killed in the process they're tracking us not this ship sister well your male confidence certainly is convincing I guess we should just go straight to the rebel base without any precautions an analysis of the plans provided by Princess Leia Princess Leia so hear all your stories when we get back all right we'll be like old times Luke will never stop us this guy is trying to jinx the entire Mission and he's definitely dead for some reason the Death Star doesn't use its tractor beam to render these ships useless Obi-Wan turned it off but he didn't destroy it I'm going in cover me forkins what have I told you about calling me poorkins we've analyze their attack sir and there is a danger should I have your ship standing by or maybe get some of our ships in formation over the one weakness this entire space station has so that a direct hit doesn't destroy us Vader locks on his Target then immediately sprays fire over everything except his Target for the first two seconds of firing just like old times man they'll never stop you use the force Luke your targeting computer is a piece of dog [ __ ] Luke come in primary ignition okay guys this took 10 seconds with Alderaan so it's going to take about as long holy [ __ ] it takes 48 seconds for this thing to even get close to firing man so the first time they use it the Death Star unleashes a massive payload all over the face neck and chest of Alderaan that money shots it out of existence but it takes way longer if it wants to go again this is the most erratically charged line in the movie and something I say to Jason Muse whenever we go to City Walk if you follow me God how can you not get the chills I'll take another five off for Luke's hit here because the execution of this scene is awesome hey man in the excitement I'd call her Carrie too on some nights she might be Darlene you don't know role-playing can be a powerful tool oh my God that's his sister isn't it how come Chewbacca doesn't get a medal man he was in the Falcon too he helped take out Vader and save Luke's ass and look he even yells about it at this point he goes like Roar is my model and everyone just claps like Yay the status quo is maintained on this little animal farm where all animals are equal but some animals are more equal than others this is Horseshoe it's always bothered me about this move man Let The Wookie win a medal is it really winning since he so clearly deserves it I'm leaving it then hey that's how the last movie started also reading also if I'm supposed to be reading and absorbing all this [ __ ] you and if there's a quiz I'm keying your car Teach as we're about to see the Empire is going to get their asses kicked yet again with Luke Skywalker leading the charge aside from the Death Star during this entire series we never see the Empire bring an aerial attack on a planet they just send down these cumbersome Imperial Walkers so what did they do to actually win something for once and if they were winning why were so many of the rebels allowed to flee what's the Galaxy okay so this is remote ice Planet I'm assuming where no one really lived before because it's colder than but the rebels came here and then found tamed and learned how to ride the indigenous tauntons and built a whole base inside the mountain in three years and no one from the Empire had any idea don't you think this was a little like the Oregon Trail for a while you have died of dysentery foreign well that was some convenient timing assuming this planet is not super tiny what are the odds Luke's Patrol coincides perfectly with the probe's arrival Betty girl hey what's the matter discount horse movie rips off Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer's abominable snowman thankfully for Luke this species of snow monster drags its prey back to the cave before fully killing it holy [ __ ] who would have guessed that of all three movies including the one where she wears a bikini that this would be the sexiest Leia moment of All Discount Hoth Chic C-3PO I thought you would decided to stay well the Bounty Hunter we ran into an old Mandel changed my mind first off Han refers to some other Adventure we had no context for unless we read the [ __ ] books setting off Honda science it's time to go because he ran into a bounty hunter on some other planet who obviously doesn't know where he is now it's been three years does not actually think it's best to risk his freedom by going to Jabba now excuse me sir covering robot's mouth actually stops it from making noise who knew the speeder's ready uh not yet we're having some trouble adapting them to The Cove which is weird because everything else works on this planet regardless of coal you're before you reach the First Market then I'll see you in hell hungry Womble decided to knock out Luke and put him in the fridge before eating him and Luke has been dangling upside down unconscious for who knows how long blood running to his head and before you go telling me his Jedi ways help him avoid traditional physiological problems like that I'll point out his Jedi ways to Jack and [ __ ] to help him avoid Landing in this situation to begin with the real question is how did that lightsaber manage to fall close enough to Luke for this but far enough away that it couldn't have just slipped out of his holster and Fallen straight down I get what you're going for here I really do but in the last movie you showed me this [ __ ] using the force while blind to deflect unseen laser blasts from a drone how can he do that but not this what is it about this series and cutting arms or hands off Luke is smart right why doesn't he just kill that thing and stay in the cave Han so worried about Nightfall he's headed out to find Luke and he does but only because Luke is stupid enough to wander out of the cave just before nightfall so Luke left the Beast cave fell unconscious for a bit but then woke back up and started walking again really luckily for Luke and Han this planet's freezing temperatures do not lead to hypothermia and quick death this [ __ ] only shows up in the absolute most extreme Luke might die situations why couldn't he appear to loot four hours earlier and say Luke do not explore the meteorite you saw [Music] provided of course the Han sticks you in a dead Taunton so that you can live also the digobot system sounds racist from Yoda the Jedi Master who instructed me sorry I didn't tell you this sooner over the last three years I was baking brownies minutes in my time are years in your time I still say that in all the Star Wars movies the most unbelievable thing is that Han somehow finds Luke during dusk on a huge snow planet ex machina how does Hans to fluke into a Tonton belly they're not much bigger than humans Han somehow survives the bitter cold all through the night without getting inside the Taunton himself that sounded dirty but Han should be frozen much like Luke was a minute ago why is this [ __ ] flying up and down over the hills rather than just flying over the hills does he like to cheat death on rescue missions hothspa also these things have very little privacy this guy has to rehab in front of everyone in a diaper I don't know where you get your delusions laser brain what's worse this lame ass insult or the fact that Chewie found it funny neither the force nor Obi-Wan has told Luke about Leia being a sister yet even though it's been three years this must be a massive very dark practical joke [Music] translation this is some [ __ ] up [ __ ] right here it's metal it couldn't be one of those creeks creatures you mean the Speeders you were just told last night can't go out in the cold [Music] shot second and I'm sure Skywalker is with them set your course for the hot system look if you're sure as you say implanted to take a drone report and a photograph for you to figure out Skywalker's location the rebels are related to our peasants Admiral Oswald came out of light speed too close to the system what Invaders specifically leave in order not to do that or is the movie saying no one could have possibly known that Invaders just being a dick rubber ships are coming into our sector good our first catch of the day after one small ship beat the Death Star ignorance and confidence are the same thing so you can land these things outside the energy Shield but you can't get some quick Fighters down here to perform an aerial assault look these things are awesome in many ways but that doesn't mean they make sense besides how are these things not using tracks like tanks to move they needed to use actual freaking legs also a movie completely glosses over how much slipping and sliding should be going on with all the snow and ice use your harpoon why the hell do these small Fighters have tow cables for towing a 1974 Buick and harpoons for I guess whaling goddamn falling down makes these Imperial Walkers go from bulletproof to flammable as hell the birthing process between walkers on Hoth was accelerated tenfold and the baby is already walking I didn't even see anything so this is amazing Ku Klux Stormtrooper [Applause] Luke survives this crash honestly how do you guys even build all this underground infrastructure in snow anyway this is but why was Luke's X-Wing somehow able to get through the blockade no problem man this ship is always taking off just in the nick of time and while being shot at I'm sure it takes off under normal calm circumstances plenty of times but we don't ever seem to see it Vader senses or sees the Falcon leave but does not apparently since his son Luke fellow Force user a few hundred feet above him on the snow okay so why can't he use the force to maybe even slightly knock the ship off course and crash it into the mountain as we learn from Yoda science doesn't matter so why not at least try or rather do because there is no truck here's another thing how are there not any Imperial ships guarding the exit off the planet we even heard them talk about a blockade earlier so where is it and the rebels didn't find some other side of the planet where the blockade wouldn't affect them so what gives two of these three Star Destroyers pursuing the Falcon run into each other how is that possible how do you not see another star destroyer in your path do you not have radar training skill flying the ship right now Leia autopilot evasion software I wasn't a laser blast like an asteroid how does an asteroid hit you when you're not dead yet water creatures in the Star Wars franchise never find the heroes tasty oh yeah and how is R2 still working right now with all that sludge in his system whoa that does not look like James Earl Jones at all does that include shutting me down too no I need you to talk to the Falcon find out what's wrong with the hyperdrive but he just said what was wrong with the hyperdrive a few minutes ago didn't he I noticed earlier the hyperdrive motivator has been damaged and you didn't fix it because you hit the asteroid field before you could do anything so that's still the problem right I'm looking for someone looking someone you have I would say tonight on Unsolved Mysteries we'll try to figure out where you had a sense of humor went after this one scene in The Empire Strikes Back Luke's dinner consists of Cheetos blocks that look like cheese some sort of white candy or pills hush puppies and strips of drywall just like Obi-Wan Yoda initially pretends not to be the person he actually is mostly just with the audience I mean Luke I believe sir it says that the power coupling on the negative axis has been polarized is that another way of saying the hyperdrive motivator is damaged or is this some completely new invented [ __ ] reason for the hyperdrive not to work [Music] is this why are Holograms just shooting out of the floor here why are there screens in some instances in random Holograms and others that this boy is The Offspring of Anakin Skywalker which is a weird thing to say to Anakin Skywalker also didn't the very fact that his name is Luke Skywalker tip you off you can't seriously expect us to believe that after Luke destroyed the Death Star the Empire didn't hear what the hell his name was also Luke was hidden on another planet so the Darth Vader couldn't find him yet he kept the name Skywalker [Music] boy has no patience Yoda talks about Luke to a ghost in front of Luke and this is his way of revealing himself to actually be Yoda this one a long time have I watched all his life to the Horizon maybe because you [ __ ] stuck him on a shitty distant planet with his aunt and uncle and gave him no other type of future to look forward to how the hell do you blame him for that are you saying if he'd stuck around on Tatooine and enjoyed dusting crops you'd have flown out here like magic to train him I think not either way he's not a Jedi what the [ __ ] you are Reckless so was I if you remember Obi-Wan is basically Jedi ghost lawyer here is Yoda cranky does he not really want to train Luke why the 100 excuses thing I know we're building tension for the audience I mean Luke but other than that why is he so resistant this movie is basically saying ghost Obi-Wan is wiser than 800 year old Yoda which is just [ __ ] stupid cool for sure but how does a creature this giant survive on an asteroid with little to no food available a Jedi uses the force from knowledge and defense never attack but tell me why I can't no no there is no way Jedi Master gets frustrated with obvious questions I thought you [ __ ] were supposed to be at peace with everything even annoying trainees [Music] the dark side of the force a domain of evil it is there's a domain of evil sitting around just being evil in the Tigger bar system what the [ __ ] [Music] [Applause] let me do them because you see this evil domain strong with the dark side of the force out in the middle of nowhere it just well let's see for psychological reasons in the unlikely case someone comes down here it's a strict Freudian I hear what will really bake your noodles what this would have been if Luke hadn't brought his weapons with him also face your adversary in a dream before facing them in real life cliche [Music] someone set this video game to the ECC symbolism also Luke cuts off dream Vader's head and sees his own face inside and still can't figure out what's going on the force is literally screaming the truth at him but he's not listening so Darth Vader's orders are that he wants the passengers along so why are these millions of Green Lasers getting shot at the ship right now what happens if one of these things ends up destroying the ship why not do or do not there is no try luminous being so we not this crude matter Yoda breaks the teacher's student boundary rule okay so after this big talk about how rocks and spaceships are different from each other and Size Doesn't Matter and all that jazz Yoda then proceeds to power the ship out of the water but with considerable effort I might add if the force supposedly doesn't distinguish the size of objects this thing should have emerged immediately I don't believe it [Music] for that too Yoda is too badass Captain solo this time you have gone too far what the hell is he blabbing about gone too far in what way this is an amazing move of considerable cunning and it caught them out of being captured or killed it at the very least bought time even if he didn't have a plan after that instead of waiting even a few minutes after floating away with the garbage before taking off Han takes off immediately thereby allowing himself to betrayal Bubba vet makes one of the luckiest guesses ever and has himself shot out with the trash to follow the Falcon just in case it was doing the old attach yourself to the big ship so it can't be read by their Scopes and leaving the empty their trash trick also why can't the Falcon detect the ship right behind it if you leave now help them you could do we destroy all for which they have fun and suffered because your dad is Darth Vader and he can turn you to the dark side and the rebels would lose the war well that's a spoiler for the audience that you the most important character in this movie is just better off not nope welcome Leia Leia isn't pregnant with Lando's baby already it is you and your abilities the emperor once and also Darth Vader is your damn I can't tell him that until the big surprise can I if you end your training now if you choose the quick and easy path as Vader did you will become an agent of evil except he doesn't so in your face false prediction Yoda that boy is our last hope no there is another kind of makes you wonder what would happen if Luke got killed or turned to the dark side would Leia have received a vision to go to Digimon somehow but Yoda would have died before she got there leaving nobody to train her I'm guessing her training would have consisted of going to the library learning Jedi Masters from microfish and also stuff about demons lots and lots of demons oh uh-huh proof that cloud city is funded by Gringotts surprise Vader didn't shoot on first I I had no choice they arrived right before you did how did they do that even if Boba Fett tells Vayner that they're going to clown City immediately after he starts following the Falcon the Falcon is a huge Head Start and this is after the Star Destroyers went into light speed in a different direction Empire scientists create another what the [ __ ] is that thing for torture device it looks like it's made of at least five failed science projects this contraption does things so horrible it's better left off screen because whatever bull that thing is doing is probably [ __ ] but it sure does hurt oh yes that's very good I like that c-3po's reconstructive porn dialogue oh my if you stop [Music] you know C-3PO was kind of an annoying character in the first movie but lovably so in Empire he's a whiny know-it-all who's actually kind of mean I love you [Music] Skywalker has just landed he finds his way in here awesome how the [ __ ] do I do that do you think he'd respond to breadcrumbs what the [ __ ] is David Copperfield pushing that thing I Lando [Music] somehow despite the scene it's still admiratebar that is most remembered for saying it's a trap also like any hero in any Adventure Luke ignores his friends warning that it's all a trap because the power of space boners is stronger oh they actually succeeded in following invader's orders to lead Luke here by parading the prisoners around in circles below this Arena until he showed up apparently oh come on this is one of those things where I understand but I don't understand he just risked his own neck to take you out of custody but we're going to waste time with trust issues after a baller move like that I don't need any of your help really like the kind that just freed you from captivity so you could Escape you don't need that kind of help would Captain Solo in the cargo hold unnecessary orders rest of the good guys running directly by random spot R2D2 just happened to wind up cliche why does Vader assume that Obi-Wan taught Luke and we know that Luke doesn't quite have a hold of his thoughts and his emotions yet so how does Yoda not pop into Darth Vader's head and if dead Obi-Wan could have done the training why did Luke even have to go to the Dagobah system already this lightsaber battle is complex enough to confirm my suspicions that Vader was merely humor in Obi-Wan last movie hmm Peter starts using the force to throw objects at Luke during the battle which not only feels like cheating but also makes me wonder why he doesn't do more of that well here's the Millennium Falcon again taking off amidst yet another hail of laser fire there goes another limb no one just gets stabbed by a lightsaber in this series do they Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father four reasons pretty unclear considering he would be finding out anyway via the force or in this case dramatic reveal to the audience no I am your father we're gonna get a supreme [ __ ] explanation for this discrepancy aren't we true [Music] it requires about 10 syllables to say no in Tatooine English or Tattoo English also no movie paint suicide is the noble Choice Luke falls off a bridge basically to his death and then is saved by this thing I don't know what it is or if Luke knew it would do this but what a crazy [ __ ] random this is well if the antenna isn't an ex machina him somehow grabbing onto it while falling definitely is someone's up there how can you tell that from this distance [Music] father damn he went right into the acceptance phase of that shocker didn't he [Music] because if he had it wouldn't have been a big whammy for the audience how can this character not know he's in a movie for Christ's sake you guys have hyperdrive right meanwhile here's a load of Rebel ships that managed to somehow escape the hot blockade without incident we didn't show you that because we showed you the Millennium Falcon's escape attempt but it totally happened I promise reading third film of the franchise decides you like the Death Star we'll give you the [ __ ] Death Star again it's just like Jason Voorhees that Death Star hey the Death Star was a horrible failure let's build another one no I love Jim Henson as much as the next person but this is where the Star Wars creatures started to get that more lovable Fake Plastic Chic look you know for kids they were no longer spiral rat penis head has a point Jabba's looking wee chunkier and realer in 1983 than the last time we saw him which was in 1997. also if Leia didn't choke him Java was certainly going to die from smoking green swamp heroin hot we look [Music] person in carbonite possibly it come over Master Luke C-3PO is too smart to not understand what's going on this scene suggests that the robots somehow behave differently when put upside down and that they have feeling in their feet also hilariously these Brands never even touched the robot's feet despite all that steam you see shooting out Tatooine loves a different kind of superhero the Heil Hitler Spider-Man the song Jedi Rocks also it was like Lucas was wondering hmm how can I possibly turn to turn to the Jedi into a bad movie everyone here appears to be enjoying this music and this dancing look I like this movie a lot more than most but the plan here was to send three waves of troops droids then Leia Chui then Luke when Luke is Jedi enough to not really need the help of any of the others makes for good cinema sure but as a military strategy it's kind of stupid considering every single person Luke sends ahead of him gets captured everyone else had to lie their way in here but somehow Lando is just [ __ ] here already man deal with it also sneaking around Jabba's Palace will require the removal of my mask why does Java have wind chimes in a place where their Israeli went also any plan that involves sneaking into a room with this many creatures sleeping in it is a bad plan she may be a princess and a Jedi without knowing it but stealth is not one of Leia's strong points as this scene proves futuristic melting looks oddly like how melting might look on an Atari 2600. I can't see seems like one of the first things Leia could have said on was don't say a word silence is golden I really don't even know why she bothered keeping the mask on since she was doing some highly improper in Jabba's Palace anyway [Music] delicate Escape Plan has time for a makeout session not only to Jabba catch Leia rescuing home he was hiding behind a curtain like he was expecting this I agree that Leia is pretty hot but how does Jabba a giant snail slash excrement pile get turned on by human women Crime Boss that has been chasing Han for years immediately puts him in a cell with his right hand man Chewie Jedi Mind Rick is the same in tari's and English Mr Luke you're standing on even though 3PO gets interrupted Luke ignores the warning he might be standing on something unsafe Luke tries to force pull himself a blaster and Jabba somehow beats him to the puck but more importantly why did Luke try to force pull a damn Blaster does he not have a lightsaber Jesus this is the worst rescue plan ever I mean can you imagine how short this fight would be if Luke had his lightsaber with him can Luke not Jedi mind trick this thing that thing looks pretty weak-minded he's not even trying to make him think this is not the food I'm looking for Luke sticks the bone in horizontally but it's a perfect vertical jaw prop in the next shot why is there any kind of electronic door down in this dungeon just with people who think they found a way to escape magic gate appears out of nowhere in this sequence giving Luke the propagate ex machina he needs Luke throws the skull instead of just using the force to sling it you could argue that Luke highly underused the force in this battle Star Wars succumbs to subliminal app placement and allows Joe Camel to Hawk cigarettes during the movie in his belly you will find a new definition of pain and suffering as you are slowly digested over a thousand years luckily I'll die of hunger thirst any number of things in just a few days so the Thousand Years thing is overkill unless I'm being fed and watered while I'm down there thank God for the special editions so I can have this shot of the herd of [ __ ] Rams to help set the emotional stage for the sarlaccine R2D2 just stick close to Chewie and land now Han should be freaking out at the mere mention of Lando the dude that sold him out in the last movie because he got sold out and then went to sleep and literally just got up a few minutes ago and should still [ __ ] hate Lando I'm taking care of everything oh great Han acts like Luke isn't the guy who murdered the [ __ ] Death Star in order to fall into the pit of the sarlacc you must walk a plank first as we soon see the plank becomes a perfect way to ex machete Edition real quick this takes forever and none of the bad guys kill Luke while he's flipping around or waiting for his lightsaber to fall on his hands on the other end of this why didn't Luke command that thing to come to him faster also I see the lightsaber was hidden inside R2D2 because you assumed it'd be better to have it now than back in Jabba's Lair where you could have smoked all the fools in seconds gotcha even the Tatooine Wilhelm suffered tragedy none of these [ __ ] can aim or shoot at the same time it's kind of easy to look like a Jedi master when everyone else sucks Boba Fett a skilled Bounty Hunter can't aim either Boba Fett badass Bounty Hunter goes out like a [ __ ] I'm surprised that sarlac tentacle didn't shoot on First Convenient multiple electromagnets on random pirate ship come in way handy thanks for are coming after me I owe you one and The Empire Strikes Back Han tells Luke that's two you owe me Junior but this is the first time Luke has done anything to return the favor and suddenly Han has flipped the math where he owes lukewon when you're a regular ass Stormtrooper and you hear this laugh don't you have second thoughts then I am a Jedi you you must confront Vader I guess all the other Jedi had to confront some terrible extremely difficult evil to become Jedi to huh is Darth Vader my father a rest I need God cat's out of the bag and this [ __ ] still won't tell him that Darth Vader is his father get ready for the burger oh come on this is some nonsense here don't you think it would have been better to tell him like immediately and then he could have gotten used to the idea before his friends got in trouble how does becoming a Jedi settle you in for that Darth Vader as your father Whopper arguably the training would have been a lot smoother and you could have prevented him from going so soon [Music] [Applause] [Music] there back Yoda survives just long enough to tell Luke a whole bunch of [ __ ] he already knew and then in his last breath finally provides the mere setup to an important bit of new knowledge he cease to be Anakin Skywalker and became Darth Vader so you know symbolic technicalities prevented me from telling you the real truth you can see how my hands were tied the good man who was your father was destroyed so what I told you was true from a certain point of view okay now Obi-Wan is just being a dip it was purposely misleading and he has the goal to say well I told you the truth as I knew it to be but you had to play a game to which only I knew the rules for it to be completely true also you didn't know you were playing a game and oh by the way I [ __ ] your mom too but I was amazed how strongly the force was with him I took it upon myself to train him as a Jedi it was actually Qui-Gon who noticed Anakin's specialness and took it upon himself to train Anakin as a Jedi I only took over that but you don't need to know all that right now you're on a need to know basis you must face Darth Vader again when he left he hadn't completed the training yet and they told him not to face Vader now he's back no more training than before and now he has to face it but honestly what else did they even need a teacher they've said don't give in to your anger and its many forms at least a hundred times in the last two movies was there an anger course coming was Yoda going to give him special instructor Bruce Banner to help with all that the other he spoke of is your twin sister I'll let you fill in the blank since from my Arcane Jedi point of view Leia is your bangable friend you didn't need to know was your sister Leia's 1983 audiences then went oh my God what an amazing surprise this series just keeps oh my God they kissed each other several times in this series didn't they while the fighters fly into the Super structure and attempt to knock out the main reactor death star has the same weakness as the original Death Star you know what needs an energy Shield the main reactor does we have stolen a small Imperial shuttle stealing that's one General Count Me In I'm with you too where did this [ __ ] come from and how did he hear that does he even know what he signed up for it could be a gangbang for all he knows Lando looks confused that he's in a room with giant Millennium Falcon wallpaper in it yes my master the emperor gives Vader orders and then immediately consults with two purple dudes we've never seen before and never see again making me wonder if the purple dudes are somehow above the emperor shuttle tiderium transmits the clearance code for shield passage hey isn't that the ship that got stolen from our Fleet quiet you endangering the mission I shouldn't have come that's correct is R2D2 gliding across thick indoor floral right now even if there's a path this guy's gonna have a hard time Gliding Over hilly muddy grassy land isn't he God damn how many people does that [ __ ] thing hold I thought it was just Luke and Han in them Jesus why do Stormtroopers have different armor everywhere they go it couldn't be anything to do with toys could it go go for help can't you radio within Jam there yeah Jam their calmly all speeder bikes come standard with communication jamming devices instead of just lightsaber in this [ __ ] Luke jumps over the [ __ ] Speeder bike to take him out manually and much more slowly than necessary yeah ah how can I possibly avoid this stop oh we should have gone over it well I'm dead the Ewok haters Wicked is cool with me and I'm taking a sin off just for how cute Wicked is and you can all suck my furry ass if you have a problem with that said the cuteness of Ewoks are the reason Jar Jar Binks exists even though chronologically jar jar shot first I mean came first you want something to eat Leia offers alien food to an end or moon tonight there's no Stormtrooper alive who could walk through this Force without making a sound my son is with them are you sure aren't you the emperor wouldn't you know he will come to me I have foresee it even though I did not foresee that he was on the moon right now but whatever in this huge entire mood of Endor Luke just happens to wander by Leia's discarded helmet I'm afraid that our two sensors can find no trace of Princess Leia then our two sensors aren't worth because she was all over this joint just a little bit ago and even Luke's faulty Jedi spidey sense thinks you're wrong literal deus ex machina but I do believe they think I am some sort of God they think I'm some sort of God cliche it's against my programming to impersonate a deity what because it's lying you've lied plenty of times in the series so if it's specifically impersonating a deity that is some very specific programming the Daddy won't just speak Jabba's name three times that's some Candyman right there [Music] the Ewoks are basically furry lost boys only with fewer [ __ ] among them too many minutes if you want cultural misunderstanding [ __ ] 3pio tell them they must be set free [Music] but it's against his programming right he can't impersonate a deity therefore he cannot give orders to the Ewoks QED tell them if they don't do as you wish you'll become angry and use your magic and here he is again pretending to be a deity what the hell was all that nonsense before they got dragged here foreign can do this why can't he untie the ropes pretty Po's story of Star Wars highlights how very little there is to return to the Jedi mainly because there's time for this all that stuff that happens in Jedi could have been settled in an hour but Jabba thought lasts nearly 40 minutes and then they sandwich the Ewoks into this thing for even more exciting waiting around she died when I was very young Leia has memories of Natalie Portman strong father I have it my sister has damn that took two minutes to get around to the Crux of this story and he still doesn't even come out and say it it's you know somehow I've always known even during this scene [Music] I I can't tell you this secret will make you explode Han could you tell Luke is that who you could tell hi Star Wars General Hospital the Death Star still has the same progress it did at the beginning of the movie these [ __ ] aren't doing jack to build the rest of it wait earlier Luke told Leia he could feel that Vader was on this very moon right now but then this scene suggests Vader is only just now arriving on this very Moon the emperor has been expecting you I know father mother father this dialogue is stilted I see you have constructed the new lightsaber your skills are complete when did the lightsaber weaving class take place on dagama or do you just know how to make one after various force-related activities indeed you are powerful as the emperor has foreseen there is never a realistic moment that we see where Luke becomes a badass Jedi at the end of Empire he was more mature he'd seen some but not quite awesome yet this movie is apparently set a whole year after the last one although it's incredible to think that they waited that long to save up I guess in the meantime Obi-Wan conducted ghost Ops with Luke but the movie wants him to be awesome right now with no hint of the journey that got him to this place oh crap prepare to jump into Hut you're standing by and he hasn't given any order but you still instantly jump your ass to hyperspace chain a command [ __ ] do you speak it it takes 75 of the guards to go after this one Ewok apparently the door opens when you shoot it is according to my design really even the destruction of the first Death Star even Luke and Leia's birth it was the alliance to know the location of the shield generator and part of that plan was hoping they would steal one of your ships so they could make it to Endor how did you make that possible or no it would happen they very nearly weren't allowed in because Vader since Luke was on the ship also why not have two Shield generators one you tell the alliance about one that's secret just in case the rebels however unlikely manage to destroy the one that you've let them know exists that's maybe a little unfair for me to bring up but seems like more could have been done with this plan to ensure the rebel defeat Han's allowed to throw this rather than just get blasted red leader standing by gray leaders standing by remember the first movie when you love this well swallow a couple spoonfuls more none of them can hitch strike me down with it give in to your anger I really don't understand how he suddenly becomes a bad person if he kills Vader and the emperor the story requires them to die if the rebels are to win so if Luke can't turn Vaders he's supposed to kill these guys with warm feelings any reason why our heroes are merely prisoners and not shot to death were you looking for me bring those two down here two you definitely only saw one in addition to having terrible aims Stormtroopers are also known for being easily taken down by a pack of basically living teddy bears can arrows really appear stormtrooper armor good God man being hit by these things at this speed and falling this kind of distance would not hurt anyone once on the ground the Stormtrooper is cuddled to death oh come on this is useless you might as well be dropping hopes and dreams on the walkers I mean how do ordinary rocks drop from 30 feet Not Just Bounce the [ __ ] off a stormtrooper uniform this battle is all the stupid so cute cute oh yeah it will Commander I can't prove it because I'm too lazy to just open the other movie and check but I think this is recycled Death Star firing footage from A New Hope and if it's not it's close enough to be sinned anyway and we'll have that shield down hand like ham the [ __ ] why does Han's best friend mispronounce his name Han and Leia somehow find cover in this position last time you shut the [ __ ] door and it opened now you need R2 to open the door and Oh look The Empire still uses R2 compatible Hardware well I suppose I could hardwire this thing what since this Death Star beam could only fire in a straight line shouldn't all the big Rebel ships just start flying around in circles oh Fleet is lost man these scenes are tedious basically the emperor invited Luke here so that he could narrate the Ripple's Doom to him the whole time and repeat things over and over is there a path to the dark side through boredom let the Ewok who is without sin cast the first stone damn why didn't they do this in the first place rather than trying that hang glider Rock drop [ __ ] from earlier the flaws of a robotic Walker are exposed yet again Han cops a feel after Leia gets shot in the arm use your aggressive feelings boy let the heat flow through you I still don't know how this takes you to the dark side but I guess the force is unforgiving when it comes to killing absolute evil you have no recourse after you've aggressively killed your father if only you can find a nicer way there he is giving Obi-Wan all the credit again does Yoda not make any ripples in the force I will not fight I mean any more than I already have and stuff we need reinforcements to continue the pursuit send three squats to help first off apparently there are no identification protocols with the Empire anymore after that first movie so this works also how are there any Empire guys left you had a whole Army outside waiting for them and you still have enough for three squads who were previously sitting around just jacking off even as the Ewoks began winning does the emperor not realize that taunting makes somebody not want to do what you want them to do this Shield generator is a super huge satellite thing so while Luke was down here why couldn't he turn the satellite in a different direction and maybe even break it using the force hell Magneto could do it in X-Men first Class you're gonna tell me Luke couldn't do it Force lightning is introduced as a power 10 minutes from the end of the third movie you will die then kill him already [Music] said so strictly for Luke so that he can't kill these Sith Lords without turning to the dark side with his only hope being able to turn Vader somehow I can't imagine a scenario that's luckier other than finding out that Leia is adopted just as luckily there's a place in this room where Vader can let gravity decide this that said that was too close the real question is why is there a ship-sized path to get to the power generator the arrogance and stupidity of the Empire is amazing hey that doesn't look like James Earl Jones Anakin Skywalker does not disappear all Jedi light as Obi-Wan did and Yoda did and he's clearly going to heaven because he shows up later during the Ewok Jubilee Luke who had no idea what else was going on manages to make peace with his dying father and board a shuttle just in time to barely Escape these goddamn Flames from the death star explosion every one of the heroes are a bunch of Lucky Bastards didn't it take forever to get to the middle of this thing with lots of twisty passages and why does the Death Star not immediately explode like it did the first time I'm sure Luke wasn't on that thing when I blew he wasn't I can feel it I could tell because Luke told me I had Force Power and now I can use that power without any training don't you yes Leia answers this question as if she actually told Han about Luke being her brother earlier even though she kept it a secret for no reason he's my brother [Music] Hans probably also thinking of the scene digital cheering George Lucas doesn't resist the temptation to the dark side and defiantly puts Jar Jar Binks in the original [ __ ] Trilogy maybe I don't like the Ewoks like I did when I was a kid and this new music isn't all that bad but the up nub song was a pretty fitting ending and yet now it's changed to something more special not only do you get to go to heaven Anakin you get to be your young prequel self again while Obi-Wan and Yoda stay oldish forever forever forever [Music] space a final frontier r2d to where are you where are you we got some work to do now Tommy [Music] how's the pooping every day that man remains free is one more failure 347 days gentlemen 347 failures Terminator immediately now tomorrow not after breakfast now pretty girl hey what's the matter you smell something there is no spoon thank you oh here's a fun fact you made out with your sister man chewy take care of yourself okay [Music] brother's got a hug beef it's what's for dinner James T Kirk Amy I'm finished no vote I'm wearing a Viridian patch on my back Spock slapped it there just before he went on Cork and ship Otto says the chances of survival lost 725 to one please don't quote me the price when I haven't got the time thank you Tommy how's it pooping Tommy that's a creeping I even drop no Eaves for honest I cannot teach him the boy has no patience [Music] friends you have there they were in pain you have the sight now Neo there are two rules to remember if you want to have a good time rule number one never run out of cult 45 rule number two never forget rule number one shut your eyes Mary and don't look at it no matter what happens my world is Fire and Blood hey don't chase me bro don't chase me [Music] everything is proceeding as I have foreseen oh [Music] endangering the mission I shouldn't have come I'm getting what I deserve I'm reaping what I sow [Music] remember what Mom said [Music] remember only you can prevent forest fires foreign [Music] keeps shining from the desert sky above use your aggressive feelings boy let the heat flow through you your real money should shut up suit your feelings father you can't do this I feel the conflict within you let go of your hate we are the United States government we don't do that sort of thing

Channel: CinemaSins

Views: 232,484

Keywords: wave jockey job, cinemasins, cinema sins, everything wrong with, eww, movie, review, movie review, star, wars, star wars, star wars original trilogy, star wars sins, everything wrong with star wars, star wars cinema sins, star wars trilogy, star wars franchise, star wars explained, star wars review, star wars reaction

Id: k3V8Aj-PtNM

Length: 58min 1sec (3481 seconds)

Published: Sat May 27 2023