Everything Wrong With Bram Stoker's Dracula In 18 Minutes Or Less

movie immediately announces that nuance and subtlety are out the [ __ ] window for the duration of its run time seriously i haven't seen a movie declare itself so early since i saw la la land's opening musical number yeah 1462. the cliche opening movie narration even back in 1992 battling silhouette directed by kevin mcallister so dracula is laying waste to all these guys and all i can focus my attention on is this army marching in the background and they're totally not helping the sky was blood red in the battlefield stank of death and being the 28th of the month shining like a beacon through the clouds was the full head of winona ryder this movie has more gauzy romantic crossfades than a vintage episode of red shoe diaries vengeful turks shot an arrow into the castle carrying false news of draculia's death 15th century twitter also the people in the castle just believed that elizabetha gave up without even seeing a body [ __ ] up that they live in a world where faith in arrow news is so high vita believing him dead flank herself into the river discount ophelia in transylvania what we do is recover the body from the river then immediately plop that sucker down at the front of the church altar without even cleaning it up or drying it off usually it takes care of itself after a couple of days it was good enough for my grandpappy and that's good enough for me my prince is dead all is lost without him uh this is the letter that the turk shot into the castle earlier and she didn't take it with her when she jumped out of the window so it shouldn't be wet and splashed with blood [Music] i'm sure this priest is held in high esteem but why would he say this directly to an emotionally unstable super night he just killed like a thousand people a couple hours ago man i don't quite understand why dracula knows that doing all this will make him immortal but it's possible i missed a lesson in my religious studies class in college that covered the stab the cross drink the blood ritual and it's more well known than i realized in case you didn't hear anthony hopkins tell you it was 1462 earlier movie hopefully does the math for you i've done everything that you asked master tom waits for an answer from his master he's buying a property around london he plans on holding these places and then flipping them for a good price later can you believe it guy used to slice up turks and now he's a real estate shark if i may inquire what in fact happened to mr renfield in transylvania oh now i'd like a right good attempt to london accent in it blimey this bloke is so obviously british i'm going to war 50 sins i am jonathan and mina make out while a pervy peacock watches a peacock anyway a peacock's tail is called a train so what does uncle francis do he transitions from that train to an actual [ __ ] train he must have been sitting around going how do i make this transition to a train and marlon brando randomly on set was like a peacock's tail is called a train aha francis said give me the best peacock handler you can find movie is saved i am anxiously expecting you i am the eye in the sky looking at you [Music] i can read you mine i wonder if we i mean jonathan and i shall never see them together i had to make sure that whoever read this knew that i met jonathan and me because i know my nosey ass brother will end up reading this and i don't want him to be lost don't mind me guys i'm just here to make this scene weird what's up the effects in this movie i know it's supposed to be ethereal and stuff but this makes the original ghostbusters look like it came out with 20 20 technology hell orson welles had better effects on the citizen kane bird holy if you look closely enough you can see the skeletal remains of simon belmont after he accidentally acquired a torch when he really needed the boomerang it is no laughing i disagree this movie took high permanently [ __ ] it in the ass then somehow produced an even more dramatic element called ass pebbling i understand that the movie is trying to unsettle you anytime dracula casts a shadow but i don't get why it does this in the world in which he lives it's like his shadow lives in a parallel universe and does slightly different things than his real boy counterpart there's no practical purpose to this other than to amuse people at parties aw man didn't vlad's dad tell him what would happen if he didn't stop playing with it why the hell would jonathan bring the picture of his gal to a [ __ ] deed signing this kind of sex would be uncomfortable but mainly because the lady on the left is swallowing the man's legs with her thighs we've kissed that's all virgins he's so young and fresh like a wild stallion between my legs no lucy it's mina's fiance that's the wild stallion i know it's a classic thing for vampires to not show up in mirrors but why it's a creepy thing i grant you that serves no practical purpose in fact if there was ever a movie made called enter the dracula this [ __ ] would be easy to find in the hall of mirror's scene also this movie said dracula means the dragon so i'm going to pat myself on the back several times for that thing also also if that's true i just made a hypothetical movie called enter the the dragon for being an [ __ ] who nitpicks things and points it out and makes people feel bad and it's in for humanity dracula breaks the mirror so that jonathan can't see that he has no reflection but i'm kind of surprised he even installed mirrors in this place it's not like it would have been any weirder than anything else going on here you know his shadow did different things than his actual body and he seemed to get super excited whenever i cut myself but what's really [ __ ] weird is that there wasn't a mirror in the guest room sure he's got some of that tasty keanu blood but that razor also has a bunch of shaving cream on it that's like eating a filet mignon that's covered in antifreeze should you leave these rooms you will not by any chance go to sleep in any other part of the castle jonathan's been at this castle for five days why is this just coming up now why is jonathan's shirt suddenly buttoned up geez when you see dracula climbing on the side of the castle like this right in front of jonathan's room it makes you wonder why he even bothered to break the mirror monica bell hoochie how dare you interrupt my wall climbing schedule also [ __ ] blockula don't mind us we totally came infused together like this i sometimes carry my buddies with my vagina whoa where did they get that baby was that in the fridge i love him and i've said yes ah yes when i think back to the epic myth of count dracula i immediately think of this bee story where amina's buddy is hustling through eligible bachelors captain's long the demeter jesus we even have to hear captain kirk's diary entries in this movie it's my dragon in a box also i thought keanu was the one that's supposed to be entrenched in a pod full of goo waiting to be awakened movie pretends that this is some weird thing that lucy and mina did under the spell of dracula but i'm pretty sure you could have shot some footage of them last wednesday and you'd see the same thing okay so now drak is a werewolf i can give up man might as well make him the leprechaun mr oogie boogie and satan while you're at it the case of renfield grows more interesting it doesn't the doctor in the asylum is a junkie jesus christ how many side plots can this movie handle lucy gets all dolled up in flowy stevie nicks robes and goes out to a wolf man because francis ford coppola decided to totally empty his spank bank into this film so while lucy is currently being seduced by dracula why is it mina they were both in a trance a minute ago when dracula sent out his bat signals doesn't he want mina since she looks exactly like his wife why does it bother with lucy my point is the whole reason why he wanted to show up here was because he saw jonathan's picture of meena what does lucy have to do with anything contrary to some beliefs the vampire like any other night creature can move about by day but we decided to keep the lore about the mirrors because that's cool though it is not his natural time and his powers are weak those powers are plenty strong enough to break that big-ass box man i really don't know if i should trust the disembodied voice of anthony hopkins you may have purchased a street atlas for sixpence good day oh dreaded street atlas for six pence rejection that stings for weeks last week he wanted to marry huh now he wants to have a committed this is probably my own ignorance but whatever carrie always is from england so why does he sound like an american trying to do an english accent do not fear me now let's glide across the floor like we're getting pulled in a wagon but i went ahead and bit lucy first you know sowing your wild notes and whatnot there's no reason his eyes turn red here except to be an [ __ ] in fact civilization and syphilization have advanced together my god i feel like this movie is about to turn into the road to wellville dracula has left me with these women these devils of the pit dracula was just on their asses about not touching harker so why did he leave him behind with the devil hose you may not know that this image of elizabeth looks exactly like mina so here's an overlay to pound that home hey you want to see some more blood cells i got your blood cells i'm francis ford cobola i film blood cells for two straight weeks while making apocalypse now i finally get to use them one of the defining features of dracula is that he is the opposite of e.t this [ __ ] covers her up but i guess because this movie is all about the nudity he doesn't bother covering her boobs do not let your eyes see know your ears here people have been rightfully on keanu's accent in this movie for years but i don't think we talk enough about anthony hawkins half-ass attempted whatever this is mesmerism hypnotism materialization where the hell did he go movie explains van helsing's magic trick by saying oh he must have hypnotized them or some and thinks that's a satisfactory answer is a beast a monster cut the dracula with blood still on his mouth after hours of waiting in his crate of soil as if to prove a point don't you think he'd want to lap up that remaining blood streaming down his chin i feel like the entire script was noted up by coppola with messages that said cool this will give me a chance to dissolve from one thing into something with the same shape once i get a peacock handler i can do it in every scene transition absence is the aphrodisiac of the cell what princess she's forever filled with tears of sadness that really breaks my step right up folks this dracula can not only turn into a wolf and do some wicked shadow puppets but he can also turn tears into diamonds step right up and see the magical vampire canine thingy that's supernatural whenever he wants to be get away from me kid you bother me step right up i know that this castle is almost like m c escher comes to life and everything but is this the best way the movie could represent it this is like splaying the words whatever on the screen and expecting people to understand what's going on hey baby let's light way too many candles in a circle and dance inside it it's good for the kegels wait there's a nunnery within easy walking distance of dracula's castle how does he allow that this whole thing is anti-christine mr harker believes your life is in extreme danger and he desires with all urgency that you join him here so that you may immediately be married what kind of sense does that make hey babe you're in all sorts of danger now make the trip from london to transylvania so i can lock it down hope you're ovulating kisses is this [ __ ] a bouncer now i like to worry for all young lovers your best friend has a condition that modern science can't fix and i just mentioned there was a monster on the loose around town but seems like a great time for vivaldi dino arthur sent me to take care of you i guess it's possible arthur is just not a good fiance but why the hell is he not here did carrie always go leave to film the crush yeah curse the shocking and frightening history of the wild berserker prince dracula yeah but why does that chapter happen midway through the book is this book saying there are other vampires before dracula or is this book horribly out of order is dracula crying wine also in one of the many instances of style over substance in this movie vlad is shown crying tears of blood even though we've seen multiple times that his tears are just as clear as a human i mean are these eternal candles or did he light them up just to cry about meena and holy this has to be the most over canteling in the history of candles there's more wax in here than the [ __ ] house of wax [Music] oh i have pursued all my life was this movie really trying to make van helsing like captain ahab why is dracula so eager to get to his side piece anyway he knows exactly where mina went and at this point i assume he can turn into like a carrier pigeon to track her down in romania oh i see arthur's back from whatever he was doing earlier and once again disappointing lucy in bed jesus no reunion scene did meena not have any questions about what happened to him and ask why his hair is gray with the wedding going on i feel like this is dracula's michael corleone moment well shh i don't even know why dracula even bothers sneaking around if he's just going to go for a wide open attack and he can't die by gunshots so why not just dispense with all the hiding i mean look at this he's hiding behind fountains calculating an attack and he ends up just running up the stairs wow he can do that what else can this magical beast do can he kill a yak from 200 yards away with mine bullets why is this blood coming from different sides of the room and stereo why didn't drak kill both of the cocksmen that were guarding lucy he had no problem icing that poor in the courtyard on his way in and he directly confronted both of these [ __ ] i want you to bring me before nightfall a set of postmortem knives autopsy lucy no no no not exactly i just want to cut off a head and take out a heart [Laughter] i almost took a sin off for this because it's so obviously ridiculous on purpose but i'm more than happy to just give it a sin look he's grown young jonathan plays the pronoun game instead of just saying holy sh that's dracula you know the guy who imprisoned me for a long period of time and almost killed me gentlemen must we desecrate poor lucy's grave he's just asking this now so vampire lucy had the ability to break out of both her coffin and the [ __ ] but after she did that she put everything back as it was where is she unnecessary always gunplay i mean who is this little girl a woman's courageon that is done van helsing's known they've been dealing with vampires since before lucy died so why didn't he give everybody stakes and knives and steak knives when they were guarding lucy how did lucy die well at points in this movie it's hard to tell if it's a horror or comedy i mean there are truly hilarious moments in this movie offset by way over dramatic stuff it's delightfully bonkers and sinful doing your infidelity with those creatures have they had some sort of discussion before this that allows him to bring this up in front of his wife he must rest on the sacred earth of his homeland to gain his evil power during the day right which is when you should be attacking him instead of right now hey why didn't jack go with the hunting party with the rest of them i know they're trying to keep mina safe but isn't this an all hands on deck situation in fact why don't they have more people with them van helsing already said drac has the strength of 20 men winona ryder tom waits caged heat jack told mina that this was no place for a lady but this is where everyone decided she's going to be spending the night as it's right across from the place where dracula is staying i love tom waits don't get me wrong but someone please explain why renfield's character was in this [ __ ] movie at all how did this turn from a complete and total seduction of mina to the point she couldn't control herself to this here drink then this clay representation of my chest i cannot let this be first off i'm a bit weirded out that dracula has a conscience second off isn't it too damn late she's been sucking on his blood for a good 30 seconds already for someone who's never given a blood job before i mean it looks like she's pretty good at it mina why does this guy keep changing into things rats he's gonna get away isn't he i want you to help me find him before it is too late understandable i suppose but didn't you destroy the crates of all his transylvanian dirt didn't you say the only way he can survive is to bury himself in dirt from his home soil wouldn't it be logical to assume he has to go back to his castle your eyes are heavy you want to sleep sleep now what do you say he is traveling across icy seas to his beloved home but how do you keep some soil behind on a boat somewhere just in case he needed to sail back home and how do you arrange that on short notice he had to take a legitimate boat with an actual captain and crew to go to london so how did he get all that set up for a trip home by train we can reach the romanian port at vana in three days kind of makes you wonder why dracula didn't arrange a train transport since it's so much more efficient than a ship wait is this hair black again last time we saw him he was almost completely white what is going on with jonathan's hair man the cow's ship sailed past us in the night fog to the northern port of galats the black devil is reading nina's mind i mean didn't you know this was a possibility before you took meena with you why couldn't you leave her in london with someone you trust and with a long list of instructions on how to take care of a vampire bride you've been studying this all your life man how can you be this dumb he learned that his gypsies took charge of the vampire's box at galat and are now on the borgo pass road jesus with this kind of spy network why weren't you able to hire some people to hijack dracula's soil crate as long as you didn't let mena in on that plan you could have had this wrapped up days ago safer than the circle did i miss the part where van helsing poured a ring of gasoline around mina stuff is on the ground that's catching fire so during this race against the sunset why are they ever loving are they not shooting the carriage wheels it's goddamn game over if they do that here maybe you got my gun i'm gonna show some 19th century [ __ ] how to shoot carriage wheels i'll be back in about an hour i'll bring home some taco bell oh it's one of those time lapse sunsets also what does this race against the sunset have to do with anything they've shown that drak can move around during the day and he's already pretty much home does the castle itself give him bonus powers because he was doing pretty well in london without it translation mortal kombat i lost count but i'm pretty sure the sun is set at least three dozen times today guess i'd be more invested in this final fight if i had any clue who was who in this setting no let them go let them go what they came all this [ __ ] way and killed a lot of drac henchmen and quincy's mortally wounded but they're not going to close the deal they don't know mean is going to finish them off man never accuse mina of judging lovers on their looks sure man 400 years ago this dork decided he was going to live forever wished on a falling star or something it happened now he gets all stabbed and reverts back to his younger self before he dies makes perfect sense jesus this movie thinks it's much better than it is just a flesh wound make sure you click that bell icon but clicking the little bell icon is how you make sure you get notified every time we release a video so click it beyond the forest they met lancelot and galahad and there was much rejoicing everyone what in fact happened to mr renfield in transylvania you saw like from london you have a seat boy you have to suffer egg roll we got everything here from adidas damn nirvana he's a sadist he's an absentee landlord worship that never better to reign in hell than serving heaven is that it i can't do this i'm married happily there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world could be a pity to damage yours he said i can smell your i myself cannot your mother sucks i know what people taste like i know that babies taste best

Channel: CinemaSins

Views: 680,090

Keywords: cinemasins, cinema sins, everything wrong with, eww, review, movie, movie review, mistakes, cinemasins sins, cinemasinssins, cinemasins dracula, cinemasins bram stoker's dracula, bram stoker's dracula, dracula, vampire, bram stoker, dracula untold, everything wrong with dracula, everything wrong with bram stoker's dracula, bram stokers dracula reaction, dracula reaction, count dracula, dracula movie, cinemasins movie review

Id: ua8znprkNmo

Length: 18min 46sec (1126 seconds)

Published: Thu Oct 29 2020