Everything Wrong With Batman (1989)

two and a half minutes of opening credits that do nothing for nobody DC Comics if you were a Batman fan back in 1989 you seriously wondered what you got yourself into when songs written and performed by prints came up you probably even like prints but doing songs for a Batman movie kind of like if you want to see the Dark Knight and saw a credit songs written and performed by Kanye West holy this is a nightmarish City landscape full of matte paintings Sanchez Mexican food advertisement that says only the name in goddamn Gotham no phone number street address kind of late 1980s cab vert izing is this so this [ __ ] takes the family's cat and that guy's an [ __ ] to be certain but then inexplicably the dad decides we should walk all across town looking for taxis even though we're directly in front of a theater where many taxis will show up and there's no way that a cab can somehow use the roads to get us going in the right direction I know where we are so let's run into this creepy alley and look for a cab animated Batman is not here to stop robberies just to hurt the bad guys who do them way after they occur also he thought that was Bruce Wayne's family and so did I but nope fake-out just regular muggers in all of Gotham Bruce chose to follow and apprehend petty holdup criminals just because they attack in an alley like his parents killers but meanwhile murders out the ass are taking place all over the city in non bruce wayne memory alley territory at man while smart and awesome kicks the gunless guy first for some reason I want you to tell all your friends about me publicity I could have gotten by preventing the robbery in the first place and saving the dad from a nasty hit to the head but now I like this mysterious word-of-mouth publicity better Harvey Dent really does later turn into two-face in the series because eventually he becomes Tommy Lee Jones evil people's set meeting with crooked cop a mere two blocks from recent crime scene this is Tim Burton's vision of Gotham a bunch of what the are they thinking architecture and traffic consisting mostly of station wagons of course I have to do is get thrown into a vat of chemicals for this oddly specific foreshadowing to come true the save the festival basket is filled with monopoly money could you tell me which of these guys is Bruce Wayne I'm not a very good reporter so I need all the help I can get Alfred who is serving the whole of this party is also able to follow Bruce's every step to pick up after him Commissioner why in the hell denoxin vicki vale think the Commissioner Gordon decided to walk into some dark room full of antiques after rushing out of the party and why isn't it locked were you oh sorry Bruce Wayne seriously wealthy socialite Bruce Wayne nobody knows what this guy looks like ah 1989 when a two-way mirror and an oscillating VHS camera were considered futuristic technology only the rich could afford also when you need video surveillance of a room be sure to have at least three cameras all shooting it basically the same angle all right what's up anonymous - amazing the sound quality these cameras which must be 50 feet away can isolate a conversation in the middle of a huge party shoot to kill know what I mean actually now that you say you know what I mean after something as simple as shoot to kill I wonder if you mean something else entirely these bad guys doing bad guy things are super clueless about stealth entry's look at this gung-ho cop who plays by his own rules at Ten bad guys who don't give about killing me at the drop of a hat I got this covered does Jack have any idea what this does or is he just hoping against hope that these levers will somehow aid in his escape Batman could easily start punching jack and tying him up for the cops right now what decides to wait until the situation is way more dangerous before doing Batman stuff this cap took creepin lessons from the [ __ ] in the smooth criminal video this is guy I don't know Batman makes a secret getaway even though everyone can see him through the smoke check the roof guys for no reason we can figure out Jack doesn't simply drown after being thrown into the toxic chemical sludge one half the Wayne gate has metal leaves all over the other side does not and I'm much more concerned about this than I am any of the plot going on right now how's the soup excuse me makes for a nice joke but damn why did they decide to eat dinner at opposite ends of the table on a first date is Bruce that goddamn formal dining room is definitely not you I like how much he knows him after one date haha illegal surgery clinic has sign flashing surgery which I guess helps attract customers without also attracting cops wait is his bathroom inside a vault of some kind amazing how the lighting in this place agrees with setting up a dramatic reveal Bruce Wayne had sex with Vicki Vale and instead the movie showed me the chemical warehouse assault because the movie hates me and also is probably aiming for a pg-13 rating why would you do this your bedroom where you've just been at a civilian Jesus you live in a mansion find a different room for this you have to do it overnight lately get a load of me kind of amazing after Heath Ledger's great performance we just forgot how great Jack Nicholson was in this movie though we will remove us in here what if we say no nobody wants a war bad guy challenge was another bad guy at a meeting and falls for the no hard feelings ruse cliche which anyone who's seen a Bond film knows to never fall for yes sir the compliance with this mission requires me to put on my sunglasses I just want you to do your job I'll be it with glasses two times too big for my face but I'm doing my job there's this guy who cares top photojournalist in Gotham has zero interest in the identity of the city's infamous vigilante stalking also Wayne Manor which goes through the trouble of having three cameras trained on the Japanese Arsenal room has no video security around the premises just in case someone starts snooping around the house in this debris-filled alley Bruce Wayne rich early adds to the garbage by laying flowers at the spot of his parents death also he plays his roses on the side of his parents murders rather than simply visiting their graves I mean you're honoring the place they got murdered what the unauthorised dead parents rose examination time to pay the check Joker gets away with this in front of all these people at least five cops on the top of the steps because reasons Bruce gets shot in the shoulder but he's Batman so it didn't hurt I guess did the Joker build this contraption for the express purpose of punching a TV when he doesn't like something it appears to have zero use outside of destroying a TV but I thought it asked I feel that there's a certain weight that lifts when she is here she was here one time when she did so you're dealing with a small sample size Alfred find out what's so special about the alley at Pearl and Phillips Street Jesus is like fatal attraction or something she doesn't have a hunch that Bruce is Batman she's obsessed with the rich guy who showed her a nice time one night she will not be ignored Bruce stop the press who is that that's Vicki Vale Alice's movies Joker ultimately motivated by his penis does that sound like any version of the Joker you've ever heard of he wants to cause chaos and kill Batman that's it I'm not even sure he has a dick how does Joker override the broadcast at a news station what equipment have we seen that allows him to do this only 13 deaths he shipped more than a million cases of that movie strongly suggests these news anchors are going makeup-free to avoid Joker contamination but then why does this [ __ ] anchor have to mega sores on his face that even makeup couldn't hide did he bury his face on a box of herpes how did makeup even hide that mountain in the first place I'm sorry but I'm gonna be 10 minutes late to the museum okay does vicki vale do besides stock Bruce Wayne that is gonna make her 10 minutes late luckily though it happened and now Bruce knows she's at the Museum under suspicious circumstances even Gotham's aren't using him can't escape looking like some of its Wall were built with leftover submarine parts which is good because these giant vents will make spreading Joker's poison so easy Vicki Vale is so made up with so many products on her person I wonder how she avoided diet surely she's heard of the massive makeup scare going on right now here's one massive Prince music video without Prince a minute and a half of art destruction I'm supposed to find humor in soup or discount banks I kind of like this but I won't tell any of my other henchmen not to deface it and expect them to simply get the message no matter where they are in this museum she's a living work of art oh she's still hot brightening Batman's entrance somehow it doesn't kill both the Joker and Vicki via falling shards of glass also I'd like to know my climbing to the museum roof and smashing through the window was a better option than simply busting through the doors vicki could be in all sorts of trouble but you decide better get the longer more complicated dangerous and dramatically inside also luckily for her and the plot of this movie Vicki somehow has the wherewithal to grab her camera bag put it around her shoulder even though she has no clue what's going on and I'm pretty sure it was hanging on a chair and that would have been way too hard to grab from here but thank god she did right the Batmobile makes one slightly tight turn and a Blues Brothers car accident breaks out also movie answers the question how many [ __ ] will blindly drive into each other even though they had plenty of chances to stop the answer is 16 how do these dumb [ __ ] have any idea where Batman way and how did they get around the bulldozer the stop traffic and all the etc going on how much do you weigh 108 I think come on she's beautiful but 108 hahahaha see the thing I'm above grabbing whatever you do don't let go Batman gives these instructions a split second before Vicki can't even process it and could have killed her also he can jump down to beat up these dudes he doesn't need to beat up for any reason just go the camera is a machine and God came from the machine to preserve Batman's identity I see the Indiana Jones is strong with this one stop if this Batmobile only stops when Batman tells it to then how did it not run into a hundred cars on the way here and possibly drill a few pedestrians on the way also how did it lose the cops that immediately started following the Batmobile once he remotely activated it the only way to get to Wayne Manor is through Tim Burton's woods all these bats indicate roaming free and Batman decided to cage one of them because he's a heartless bastard they're great survivors including in this cage where I make Alfred come down and feed him every day with nutritious gruel hairspray won't do it along but hairspray mixed with lipstick and perfume will be toxic except to Vicky Vale who is probably wearing all those things plus makeup dependence press there's no reason why Batman even took her to his lair all he had to do was take her to her apartment knock her out take the film she shot and once back home send the envelope to the press or put it on her nightstand but I guess it's way more dramatic to drive her all the way out here which is how Batman likes it I guess also why didn't he just make copies of all this stuff and put this package in the trunk of the Batmobile before he went to go save Vicky why did you bring me here you could have seen that stuff to the press yourself Vicky Vale would be amazing at cinema since why does Batman have what appears to be two bottles of mouthwash down here in the Batcave computer station the grown woman with the teddy bear on her bed definitely deserves a sit by the way Batman totally walked into an apartment building dragging an unconscious woman into it and no one saw him ah this is what she says as opposed to he put his hand inside my bra without permission this time all these people behind him they're the founders of shutterstock no lie oh my god this story is happening during the harry s truman years I had lots of modern equipment during that age also aside from the ridiculous proofreading errors on this page and the total non article underneath the headline these combinations are not what Batman told Vicky earlier it was any combination that caused death and he specifically said hair spray mix with lipstick and perfume also these are some extremely specific combinations and I don't know how Joker planned to do the harm he expected to do these were the only combinations I have given a name to my pain and it's weird specific chemical reactions that only killed 13 total people you can't really blame Batman for this can you plus after you told the entire city about the new and improved Joker products everyone was afraid to use anything anyway what a dumb plan this is the Joker is addictive perfectly good television sets dick avails room is number nine but if you're wondering where rooms 43 through 87 are there to the right oh no Joker's here right at the time Bruce Wayne is here hey how come vicki has a large bowl of popcorn on her mantle and Vicki is now in this super tense moment casually eating the stale popcorn she grabbed off the mantle for defense ever dance with the devil in the pale mind what I always asked that of all my prey never once does Joker say this until he says it to Bruce Wayne giving him the clue that Jack killed his parents he didn't tell Eckhart gristle or that crime lord dude this phrase before killing them so nice strike oh that's not true at all Joker runs and stands over Bruce to taunt him but somehow completely misses the total lack of blood from Bruce's Back to the Future three bulletproof vests also he doesn't shoot him a few more times to make sure he's dead his children leave Vicki's place just because he fired a bullet and he's worried about cops showing up I didn't even bother to come here if the reason wasn't to either kill or kidnap her luckily this tree is bulletproof and the Joker didn't aim her head or dick why even bother opening this present that could have been more poison the Gotham newspaper office cheers for the New York Giants Gotham City painting Joker here I love how the mayor dude is looking directly to his left helping the audience know he's reacting to Joker but this only makes sense if somehow the field team set up a live feed television monitor of the station's broadcast directly to the mayor dudes left which come on they did not do but one thing I am NOT it's a killer why would you make this claim if you're the Joker the entire press saw you stabbed a guy on the steps of City Hall and you were implicated in killing 13 two people with poison I'm sure Dominic Toretto would vouch for you though we are not prepared to discuss any deals does Joker know the exact configuration of these particular monitors at the TV station to make a swiping motion that will clear them off and what exactly does that even do mayor wasn't even being broadcast anyway you heard it folks 20 million and you saw it folks my hands went from one position to a drastically different one in the next shot eating popcorn with gloves on you're not only ruining the fine leather gloves with salt and butter and other chemicals you're also putting whatever bullet is on your gloves into your mouth the Wayne's enjoyed that place so much they decided to walk down deserted alleys and streets afterwards laughing like [ __ ] by the pale moon add the Wayne parents to the large group of people to whom Jack Napier did not ask this question before killing them no hesitation whatsoever in killing the parents but poses the kid a question that makes no sense and then he doesn't even kill him also this movie makes a massive change to Batman lore by having Joker be his parents killer okay fine but then why would a psycho like Joker kill the parents but leave a little kid witness alive he wouldn't do that right this Batman shouldn't exist Alfred makes the all-time biggest presumption in the world and leads Vicki into the secret Batcave but that wasn't just another night for either of us was it I mean we both got to each other didn't you got a meal and had sex there was nothing much special about it none of these henchmen fall down from being struck by these dozens of ricocheting bullets with everyone knowing what chemicals not to mix on the fact that it only killed 13 people one day was there a pressing need to destroy the axis chemicals factory in this manner he could have done it way more stealthily and with less danger to himself right in a minute we're about to see the bat way which could easily have flown over to do this job in the air Rolo quit oh is that why they got the title for Birdman sneaky you want to send something so I will for virtually no reason at all we too many minutes of this goofy ass parade and I'm a prince fan it's actually beyond ridiculous after all the things Joker's done that nobody in the police force wants to arrest him right now by the way law enforcement just totally disappeared in this movie didn't they take the pictures Gotham's greed whoa there pal it's probably a guy with a pretty good union job who's supposed to think of the headlines you just report [ __ ] this looks cool I guess but thank God the Joker's poison gas was light as helium am i right our surgical masks really going to prevent you from breathing in all this gas and since when does being in a car protect you from gas that can make its way into any of the thousands of openings cars have that wing is equipped with a special cutter thing to grab balloons just in case that comes up during his assault on the Joker Batman decides to give an unseen audience a glimpse of the batwing silhouetted against the moon that's good marketing right there Batman the Batman with a targeting computer and everything this is the Joker with missiles and bullets and Joker seems to even know he'll miss with no explanation and then this comically large gun is able to shoot down that batwing what because it's a comically long Roger Rabbit gun are you kidding me I've got to get you to the church on time but why do you really need to climb this super tall church in order to get a helicopter ride why not have a car waiting that worked at City Hall when you killed the crime lord guy with a pen that man survives this crash because let me guess he's Batman this is some Spider Man here before they made spider-man 3 this was pretty iconic imagery right makes for interesting visuals but the height of this church bell tower is stretching into Cinderella territory in terms of believability how does Joker have any henchman at all in this church remember he just decided to walk to this place after his plans with the gas balloons didn't pan out Batman came in right behind him and no one else followed the Joker the whole way they basically already have to be here sitting and waiting in a church that Joker had no idea he was going to enter for any reason also why is Batman so far away from them after this shot of him getting out of the batplane how many times does Kim Basinger scream in this movie how many times did they possibly call her back put her into studio demand different screams and the ADR process and threatened to shoot orphans if she didn't give him the right one where is this henchman been the whole time if he's able to beat that ass this easily why didn't he show up before now also out of any of these church goons even come close to hanging with Batman in a fight we thought the hero fell to his death only to find he's holding on to something impossible and surprises everyone cliche well Batman doesn't kill people but yeah he totally just did Joker Falls for this do you I'd objected that statement wildly if this movie hadn't just shown us Batman killing someone so I give up the second time this happens in the movie and it makes zero sense where could Joker be the Batman couldn't see this coming Batman shoots this thing land with expert movie magic it's somehow wraps around the Joker's foot well also anchoring itself to the gargoyle how does it work you that's how well it all worked out but one question once he and Vicky get back up to the roof and they walk back down the steps many of which were destroyed how do they get around that huge Bell Joker cut down to block the entrance and once they get past that how are there not millions of cops and press waiting for them when they get down nearly every scene of this movie in downtown Gotham occurs near the monarch theater Gotham's supposed to be like huge as New York City but almost every scene takes place near here making Gotham feel like Hill Valley to cast a shadow on the heart of the city call how do we call Knox always thinks of the questions other reporters are too afraid to ask he gave us a signal which he can see anywhere from his mansion miles away from the city or unblock by tall buildings when he's in an alley somewhere ever rub another man's so this only to point out and make public the dishonesty the downright villainy of boss Jim W Kenny's political machine all right here's how we begin first task reconnaissance know everything that's going on in all three casinos from the rotation of the dealers to the path of every cash card Beetlejuice Beetlejuice beetlejuice it's on your mind often leaving to make you understand you're not Batman anymore you have to find another way you can't handle the truth let's now that's real acid so I want to see Google people real acid I know why you're afraid to go out at night the Batman how did we end up here this place is horrible smells like balls there are two rules to remember if you want to have a good time rule number one never run out of coal 45 will number two never forget rule number one you're at cinemasins we watch a lot of movies a lot of bad movies unfortunately the sad reality is this almond leaves our capacity for looking at anything else impaired fortunately with audible we can entertain ourselves without the use of our eyes see with audible all you need is your ears and with their library of over 180,000 audio books you'll never run out of great stuff to put into them they even have apps for the ios and android so you can listen from anywhere i have to do to get started is go to audible.com slash cinemasins to get a free audiobook and 30-day trial subscription

Channel: CinemaSins

Views: 3,858,155

Rating: 4.8017006 out of 5

Keywords: cinemasins, batman, burton, 1989, everything wrong with, cinema sins, wave jockey job, batman review, keaton, 1989 Batman

Id: gf8bfxKuF4M

Length: 18min 25sec (1105 seconds)

Published: Tue Mar 22 2016

Reddit Comments

[u/supertoasty]

My question is, how the hell did Alfred not realize that Bruce went from looking like Michael Keaton to Val Kilmer to George Clooney in the span of about 10 years?! Must have been a symptom of MacGregor Syndrome.

[u/Chappens]

Nice overly complex "camera ex machina" line. ;)

[u/KngHrts2]

My favorite thing about the Keaton years, were that for whatever reason, Keaton just got being both Bruce Wayne and Batman. He was the best at portraying both halves of the character in a way that no other actor has. He had the kind of smarmy charm as Bruce, while having the stoic intensity as Batman. No other actor has, in my opinion, gotten close. Kilmer is a good Bruce, but a terrible Batman. Clooney is just - vomits - and Bale is sort of average in both roles. I hope Affleck is good, and I'm looking forward to seeing him. From the trailers, it appears that they're going for a more serious Wayne, but that gels with the storyline of him being active for many years in universe.

[u/PM-Your-Tiny-Tits]

Deodorant's

[u/ROBOT_B9]

Michael Keaton still is my favourite Batman. Yes, I like him more than even Bale.

[u/Corabal]

Superman III on Thursday then? So badly want to see IV done. I'd also say Batman Returns as that's the only one not done yet out of all Batman movies (Unless you count 1966), but that would make this weeks selection uneven, per se.

[u/verdatum]

Jeremy, the Andrew McCarthy/Mannequin reference made me laugh so hard I had to pause the video for about thirty seconds. Bravo, sir, bravo.

[u/Heisenberg408]

Michael Keaton looks nothing like Batman. He's a fantastic actor, but these movies were just not good at all....Nolan's batman really set the bar for superhero movies....Where as Burton warped the entire point of the character