Ep #22: TAYLOR TOMLINSON | Good For You Podcast with Whitney Cummings

Shalom hello hey girl the show is brought to by the cash has everyone finance app in the App Store the cash shop is the simplest way to send to receive money especially when your friends o you or when you all of them ones last time use the cash happen to buy that kimono deny that cashmere come on I shared it and made about this straight out cash whatever use the cash I'm on some money so she could see me toilet paper cuz my little town still got toilet paper we still got sent up there you paid your mom to send you toilet paper yeah during their own the crisis yeah how much toilet paper you use it over they don't need a lot but it's like if everybody else is gonna have something I don't be left out your mom wasn't gonna sent it for free of course she was like I like to send it she's like [ __ ] hit my cash I know you ain't got it listen you lost [ __ ] easiest way to try and grow your money in the stock market with our investing feature with I say our now I'm part of this company with cash job you can instantly invest any stock as little as one dollar did you know the brokerage services are provided by Cash I'm investing a subsidiary of square and member si PC Benton I have heard well now you know you don't know and if you don't know now you know I've been known when you sign up for cash up and use the promo code Whitney not only me you instantly receive $10 but cash up will also donate $10 to the trevor project an amazing organization that protects benton from me yes all they do protective services to LGBTQ youth across america don't forget promo code whitney when you download the cash up from the up store tada [Music] okay pod and the time of quarantine Taylor and I are gonna make sure we're six feet apart during this entire podcast so that we don't get cancelled so that we don't get canceled by the internet and attacked by you people I also would like to clean and disinfect the tape measure so we're gonna be exactly six feet apart uh-huh at all times okay ready this is pretty boy yeah do it okay I said before we started recording that I've just been imagining like the length of my dad's whole body in between me and other people wait and I said my dad's dead so he's about this bad so that's not ever and then we hugged no we didn't I try to hug you yet okay yeah okay that's not bad we did it six feet boob to boob or face to face I think I mean it's probably the same right I'm so glad you guys sold this I thought you were being dumb and then it touched my nose and I'm like I'm actually glad she did that I could both it both could be happening simultaneous Here I am we're six feet apart I feel the need to yell I know I hear you it's very quiet hey dude oh my god so far emotionally you're really way more than six feet yeah oh so far more not ties with everyone emotionally I I need to be ready to lose any of you this emotionally might be the closest I've been to any one guy sorry about that it's been 14 days I'm lonely my best friend I know we were I mean we should also like anyone who gets mad at us for podcasting we should publish our text messages we really win scheduling this because I was we were both like if you're not comfortable it's totally fine but if you're not comfortable it's totally fine but also I haven't been anywhere except the grocery store in 14 days okay I've been in total isolation for 13 days okay so and all right and I know some do you know anyone who said no okay and I've just been indoors and but if and I have Lysol and if you think that it's okay then I think it's okay I mean we were so careful getting kind of competitive I was like I didn't I sliced in ten days you're like 11 days I'm glad she's like 12 days know I've seen one person look I barely saw someone I would like drag so hard yeah but it's interesting because I feel like bi I watched you I've been watching your social I'm watching everyone's social I'm seeing what you're doing I'm doing the math I'm adding up everything you're doing I'm looking in the background or your videos and your hikes and your photos I'm hearing people off camera some people are liars some people think some people are having their things filled sudden are cooking I'm like where'd you get that zucchini oh yeah groceries like but you told me you haven't left your house in ten days what are all these fresh squash oh yeah no you can't live garden no I really I'm going full like um full Sherlock on people's photos on their captions with their fridges I'm like let me see your fridge yeah yeah that couldn't have stayed good nope for 11 days away yeah that cut avocado I've had that for eight days and it's still bright green I don't think so and at this point it's like you couldn't have even gotten that delivered like getting groceries delivered at this point days are over weeks chiliad at this point ya know it's like we have to go to the grocery store if we need more food now yeah and you got a hope that everyone else is being equally careful it's actually funny because I we usually started this podcast asking the person if we're friends or not we are now yeah I and I would never say yes we're friends cuz that would make me sound psychotic if I came and really yeah I knew we're friends i watch Easons middle school like we're great friends thank you so nuts but now that the world is on fire I'm like yeah no we're pretty close there is something funny about us cuz we were like ships in the night mmm-hmm we see each other but I I do appreciate the fact that we've sort of like circled each other we sort of like just mutual respectful like hey how are you there's been no like do we need to be best friend like I feel like you're like me and that you go to the comic store you get in and you get out yes and you are someone I reference when people like you gotta hang out more like you really you two standoffish and it's always it's always male comedians who do don't ever say that to another guy no no that you really have to hang out and I always go oh maybe I should and then I go Whitney never [ __ ] hung out Whitney's doing great and that's I just I told myself that for years and I've I stand by it I do not think you need to hang out but people probably think I'm a [ __ ] too I don't know that they do do you think people think you're a [ __ ] I it's interesting I think I remember one time Sarah Tiana really funny comedian who is on Spade's show now one time she she had heard puppy she brought her puppy maverick little boxer puppy to the comedy store this is like I don't know five years ago I'd been doing comedy for like maybe like ten years and I see the pup you know but could I hold your puppy and she looked at me like her face was ashen and I was like what's going on she's like oh I just I I didn't realize that you were such a nice person and you know it took the dog to sort of get me it's a sort of socialize and she's like I just had no idea you were this nice nose she's like I was just like you're such a [ __ ] and I was like no I'm scared yes I'm standing in the hallway scared I don't want to talk to a male comedian somewhere there anything I'm flirting with them I don't want to upset anyone I don't want it because comedians also as soon as you start talking it turns into a roast I yeah my feelings are gonna get hurt if I talk to somebody there's no really I just like trying to get in here work on my jokes and get out yeah you're gonna make one comment if you stay with me for years it's not worth it tonight you're gonna agree with the insult right oh it's not even gonna be fun for you cuz I'm gonna go I said that to me in the car way here yeah oh oh my god now you sound like my mom like all this dark shits gonna come up and I I realize that I think that whether it's me or whether it's being a woman whatever it is I think a lot of times when you're just silent insecure people project onto you what they think of themselves so you become sort of like refractor of like what they think about themselves and a lot of people think you're a [ __ ] a lot of people conflate silence with superiority a feeling of spirity yes I think that's true and I will say I think for you it's probably intensified by the fact that you are very hot with very sharp cheekbones like I'm not - whatever but like I have a soft round face so people give me the benefit the doubt of being a good person and so like I just I look like a lot of white people's cousins so that she's she's quiet but she's probably afraid but like even people think I'm standoffish sometimes so if I get that I'm sure you got that like times a thousand I'm glad you brought this up because I would like to talk about your face and body please please do with it so I know because you your face is unbelievable like you've got a you have a movie star face from the 30 oh that's untrue but I will take it no I mean a lot of movies but I I assume this is what they looked like yeah just like you're so symmetrical your eyes are just you're like a doll you look like a doll oh thank you all I heard was you look better in black and white and lower definition that's all on film and with scurvy yeah of course that's an eye and a bonnet covering most of your face well you know it's so crazy I mean like I had somebody send me a message on Instagram that I don't even think I replied - somebody sent me a messy like I watched your Netflix special I loved it also we have similar body types and it just it means so much to me to see that and I was like I was like offended and I couldn't even see what the person looked like by the way like they had a private account and their picture was like very small like have no idea what they look like I just I hear you are my body type and I was like you mean like you don't see that that mic and that it's good I don't like it just I didn't know how to take it and then I felt bad for not taking it well right away and I was like I had to really sit with myself for like 10 minutes and go am I problem am I pretty like it's so stupid that we even think about welcome to the feedback loop of every compliment is an insult somehow yeah always and I remember watching you and just seeing like how gorgeous you are and and this is probably not gonna go well but I just in your hairs down and you're special you're you have the you note and you just look so gorgeous and I was just like oh my god this is just I it took me so long to not apologize for being feminine oh my gosh thank you see and I like my hair's up in the special but I do have some tendrils down and that is only because my face is so round it is if it is all back like it gets I turn into Charlie Brown really quick like I have a big head and I know I have a big head cuz I've told every guy I've ever dated I have a big head and it's every single one of them have responded I love your big head nobody's ever said it's not that big not even is not that big not even I think it's fine or normal I love your big hat say something that's not gonna land well I thought I was gonna go but like it matches your body it does no it doesn't mean it's proportion it is it's all it's Midwest Midwest Midwest it's and I'm from California I don't know how this happened but I you know I love corn-fed I Leegin labels as [ __ ] I was so pissed when Ellen special came out and it was called relatable like legit so angry no that was mine I literally remember the first time I saw your body and times up on me cuz I could not stop staring it is undo it like what are you just doing squats all day what are we doing it means no I feel like I have to be careful with squats because I will like my my bow that's regularly yeah yeah this is my butt this is so weird to be having this conversation with you by the way because for exact like talking about being feminine on stage and like it being okay for you to look like a woman I mean that's like that's because of comics like you like you are I watched your specials going like oh so you can be hot and do this you can like and it's fine and you can be successful and I think you were talking about overcorrecting and starting out really dirty I started out super clean interesting and I think that for me I was trying not to say oh I was trying not to say anything like in a wind or sexual I mean I got a comment the other day on a tweet that said like 90% of female comedy is sex and I went off on this dude before I blocked him because I was just like are we still doing this so when I started it was more like people were getting [ __ ] on female comedians were getting [ __ ] on for being too dirty and too sexual and if no they were also getting [ __ ] on that do it but if you were really clean yeah you I got a lot of praise for that like the first six years that I was doing stand-up I was cleaning up into like four years ago and I got so many compliments I still get them from people who are like it's so great that you are not saying vagina every two minutes and that's even now where I like swear and I'll do sex jokes and again it's the round face thing but like if people really they gave you so much credit for being really clean and you start to get addicted to that and it also is like you want your parents approval there's a lot wrapped up in yeah yeah I could never get that no matter what rank either now but once I once I started like swearing or telling sex jokes I was like I mean you're never you're never gonna be what everybody likes that's what's the point like why am I trying so hard yeah but I really resisted it for a long time because I was like I mean my I did you were also 20 yeah well I did I also barely League I was very I was very young I think if you just cuz you were 26 now so if you when you first started if you were doing sex jokes it would be different to be like wait how old is she what han with this is it's a different thing to picture right as well you know I think that we have to understand that when we do stand-up we're asking people to we're painting a picture for people to visualize us and I feel like it might make people lean out a little bit to be like she's so young why am I thinking about that and then it brings up their own pervy stuff and shame and whatever right I also don't worry about me I looked 60 when I was 20 so it's also funny to me because I think I realized at the beginning when I was so worried that exuding any kind of femininity or sexuality that like maybe the women in the audience would think I was like trying to take their man or whatever or like I don't want anyone to get you know weird or just to bring up any insecurities what I realize is that none of the women cared or felt competitive that was my [ __ ] that was me being insecure because when I was younger I was so worried that the guys I was dating if they looked at any other woman I thought they were like cheating on me like I I didn't understand that men could find other women attractive and not cheat or there wasn't a rejection of me I was so naive I thought that like men had to have blinders on and every woman was a threat to me when I was insecure so that was my [ __ ] all the women were like we wait you look great you look beautiful and I was just like you guys I'm really trying trying not to hurt you by looking too feminine we're fine we're okay yeah you're in la-5 yeah like we dressed up for this - I hate to break it to you not threatened by you at all wearing a backpack you know what I think oh you know what I will say though even if people don't feel threatened by you I do feel like if any comedian looks like they are trying super hard I feel like that's a turn-off to people interesting and I do feel like part of it is just it a lot of it is coming from your own stuff like if I leave my hair down do a set yeah it never happens like I just did The Tonight Show to promote the special and the lovely women doing my hair makeup we're like leave it down it looks amazing and the set went fine mm-hmm but I had a full-blown panic attack when it came out just like what was I thinking leaving my hair down I'm like I was not in the pocket like it's a fine set but it would have been so much better if my hair were in a ponytail well because it's so interesting to me that people don't know that stand-ups a sport mm-hmm it's not a modeling company it's a sport so it's like you're moving around you're turning you're pretty and you have to just do whatever you normally do so if you always wear your hair down onstage when you do your Tonight Show you're special wear your hair down because you're used to it whatever I would advise against it for continuity issues but that's just me but uh don't do something for the first time when you're recording it yeah you know and I it drives me nuts because I've fallen into that trap before and I did it in my HBO special every was like wear your hair down and I was like all right and I was thinking about it the entire time I didn't realize how much I bent over it I've got lip gloss and my hair in my lip glass it was like I was hair and like it was just so dumb and I regret it so profoundly yeah I mean a five minute late-night said yeah you're trying to stay still anyway that's right that's very distracting if you're pacing so for me okay yeah for my special it was not even a question yeah yeah like to be trying to do physical act out there any other jobs where women have to think about this that are in sports about whether your hair can be up or down I guess like medical stuff you probably shouldn't be a surgeon with your hair I don't think any surgeon is going in like I shouted a do I have to put it up chefs making your food like but it looks so cute yeah it's not a question having a good hair day I was so stoked when I saw birds of prey did you see birds of prey I mean there's a fight scene where somebody hands another girl a hair tie that's not a fighting that's really funny I was so after I saw what's the brie Larson won Captain Marvel yeah I literally tweeted can we give some of these female superheroes hair ties because this is ridiculous aliens and [ __ ] with their hair down I just learned the difference between us between someone with hope your age and someone my age as you said the brie Larson movie you thought Captain Marvel I thought the room so yeah the room she's in Captain Harville territory I'm in a room I'm in quarantine we've all been in the room for the past 14 days all I could think about I watched the room I'm like Alex finally she has a kid in there with her hey all these John Goodman is hanging out in the hallway has any part of you been like I should have had a kid No I've been like I'll never have a kid now you know what's interesting is I did think like five days ago I was like oh I should probably get pregnant Nancy I know how because you have time you're not working I was like oh everyone liked it's probably to be like six to nine months now I'm like oh I can just bang out a kid like now it'd be the perfect time and you're just gonna hope the hospitals are fine bye thank you you could do a home birth I could do a home birth I could do a tub birth but the promise I would need sperm in my vagina oh yeah just hard to arrange from six feet away I mean if they if they quarantined for 14 days and they definitely don't have it and they come here you know more you know person I trust that's done that is your boyfriend this awkward so and that's how we're gonna be making money are you gonna take one for the team at six months we're gonna be loaning him out for breeding let's see how supportive of other female comics you really are let's see if you're a girl's girl Taylor can I [ __ ] your boyfriend nine months how much seriously how much if you had how much money for me to have sex with Sam let me how much where it wouldn't be weird just give me give me one more month and let's see how much work gets canceled and let me ask you these cool oh you can give me a mother I'm like you know I need I need a break I will hit your red mouth how long have you two been together six months it I would say three or four times a day I think about couples that been have been together for six months in quarantine yeah and I'm curious how it's going cuz you're learning the rubbers hitting the road I mean here's the thing we have been long-distance New York to Los Angeles since we started seeing each other mm-hmm so we got close really fast right right because you're spending so much time on the phone on face so prolong distance because the sex doesn't confuse things you can write it to know each other yeah tickets no absolutely I mean this second night we talked on the phone we talked for seven hours we were on the phone from midnight to 7:00 in the more I didn't go but my bank account went down and so we've just been going back and forth and so honestly this has been good kind of great for us which we say yeah we've been waiting yeah never mind the body in the streets but no we have never gotten to live with each other longer than like five days yeah in a row oh and we get along very well and we're just like best friends so it's been like kind of great for us to the point where we feel very guilty were there any red flags with him that have since been deactivated before quarantine yeah like was there anything that was like I don't know about that and then you were like I can live with it or anything you know I don't know I have gotten really good at letting things go because you kind of have to that is actually like the most [ __ ] bad as good I've gotten really good at letting things go cuz you kind of have to yeah I mean there's no other choice at this point yeah I assume this is probably what it was like for our grandparents who got married that's right in the 40s at 12 yeah where you made a choice and then it was like I cannot leave you and then you had two options it was like this guy or this guy yeah this guy I think is my distant cousin so let's go with this guy right exactly and I don't have any money where am I gonna go yeah I literally this is there's a real thing that happened the other day I woke up and I said I had a nightmare that you cheated on me and he goes that couldn't even happen right now he's like that is impossible what the [ __ ] that's not why you that's how I use is that why you're not cheating yeah because we're in lockdown I've tried it's just it's a whole thing he's like I'm too scared of germs like I would never stick it in anyone that wasn't you because I don't know where they've been I mean he was like obviously no I would never cheat on you please like I'm just saying like it's also the pandemic yeah doesn't help is very funny but also I was like how dare you this is ridiculous there's also like I met this girl I think I fell in love with her she's got a lot of toilet paper right I'm she's not close to as hot as you oh I'm sorry I said how dare you and made you think about touring there you I totally have gone numb I didn't hear it I blocked it out really yeah I must have blocked it out I didn't hear you saying and you remember how it feels doing stand-up no neither cannot forgot I completely forgot so what's so funny about all this is that when comedians go back to touring we're gonna be bad so bad so bad at comedy rusty comedy is like bodybuilding you have to work out every single day mm-hmm we're not we're gonna be rusty we're gonna not have done comedy for a year we're gonna reimburse with dad jokes but everybody's gonna be so starved for nights out and I think that they're gonna be afar will be lower yeah well you know it's gonna be like going to see a youtuber live everyone's like you know what we're just glad we saw them here's the good news you guys won't be breathing on each other cuz we won't be making you yeah you don't have to worry about spreading the virus cuz your mouth will be closed the whole show should I be laughing into my elbow we're far apart it's oh we are yeah get it back guys feet apart there we had oh I love that I'm match my shirt with my tape measure so have there been any quarantine specific fights besides him cheating on you and your dreams I shouldn't have a kid huh no I don't think so yeah maybe you could adopt that what I was thinking but really really sanitize it having like maybe like hose it down out front keep it takes me away from me yeah that to me is probably the amount of distance I want from a child maybe I should get a kid from foster care or adopt a kid because I'm a big adopt having your own credit the point it's kind of like buying a dog from a breeder yeah I feel like I should adopt but yeah now might not be the time or might be the perfect time we don't know how long does it go on I don't know I I mean we were talking about it before we started recording but it is it's hard to be on phone calls like planning your next year yeah tour dates yeah and kind of and everyone going we hope this is the plan yeah because no one no one else could be the plan two weeks ago we were like marches canceled yeah yeah yeah and now it's like summer is dead 20 22 yeah yeah yeah and then there's also the question of when we come back is are people gonna have a bunch of money to spend you know and will there still be PTSD around groups or people gonna want to go into you know venues who knows I you know we're gonna stay positive about this but I do want to ask you because we are virtual strangers that have a lot in common yes we're very similar I will take it sorry that's probably insult no no that was great are you kidding we're like the same person I'm like how much money I'm like we're like the same person really easy no I do find it very interesting that we both have been engaged and are no longer yes which I was not going to bring up until you did because I think you've been more private about it then I have I did material about it in my special about calling off my engagement because it happened months before I filmed it happened after I found out I got the special and before we shot it yeah so I'd like write some material pretty quick do you feel like you have whatever's going on in your special has to reflect what's going on in your personal life or else you're being like dishonest or in Congress yeah I mean I've done one special so whether I film a special Whitney I mean you know HBO versus Netflix it's all so different you feel like a phony like like if if I'm doing material on stage that isn't true anymore do I feel like a phony yes yes yeah me too yeah I need to you know such a bummer I literally Mike can we just stay together for another six months I can keep doing this bit kind of yeah you if I can rework it then we can go our separate ways my friend who's engaged yeah it's not great because there were some bits about him that I lost on Conan yeah yeah we got vine we got him yeah got him down they're not going on Netflix yeah they got on Conan oh fantastic so then they get on Instagram they're gay they're getting out there we got him it's all that matters fantastic but yeah I mean I we had like we were breaking up gradually over two months uh so two months is actually not that long I'm surprised I mean we were only I got you were gonna say two years no I mean we were only together for like a little over a year okay I mean it was so silly to be engaged that soon do you think you'd still be together if you weren't engaged I hadn't gotten engaged no you're do you think we would have broken up if you hadn't have gotten engaged oh I don't know I thought about that I thought about that when it was like immediately after we broke up I was like if we weren't engaged and the things that happened that made me go this is a huge issue and we're not engaged in anymore yeah if those things that happened when we weren't engaged maybe it I don't know it could have gone one of two ways it could have been easier to break up with him mm-hmm or it would have been easier to work through things with him because it wouldn't have been so embarrassing okay to be like me and my fiance are not engaged anymore you know that's right I think that that that once you get engaged I think everything becomes 50 times more important and the stakes get higher because it's like that thing you're doing that annoys me is forever now yes and there's a little bit of like but I'm your wife you can't disrespect you know everything to me took on such a such higher stakes you know little things became big things yeah and then there's also this like but there's a ring on your finger why would I ever do that do you know there's an also it's like you also less ground to stand on right cuz they're like I spent this money on you I would I yeah well you can have done that and still be rude yeah yes also you're getting sloppy yes I feel like yeah this was just gonna make everything Eve even forever it's the scorecard starts every morning yes oh my god not it's you don't you're not out of jail free this isn't like immunity I completely agree with that I think there was I think they get comfortable yeah yeah you guys they go I put a ring on it yeah you're here yeah you put it on Instagram you're not gonna untag me block me and delete those so I solved your major problem yeah I made you desirable and yeah pathetic yeah I made you like a bull quite frankly I just helped you get a couple brand deals now you owe me yeah I have filmed so many videos of you in the pool who what got the most likes on your Instagram which was yeah which one no with your engagement ring was it the selfie or was over together yeah and I think man that's so accurate it's like I need a minute yeah I think so did you feel an immediate shift I think so I think there were things that I thought we had worked through that then came back and got WAY worse mm-hmm after we were engaged which hurt even more than the first time and the first time I was like this would be a reason I would break up with you in the future if we don't get a handle on this right and then when it happened later you know much like the impending second wave of coronavirus it was even more devastating because I we let this get even worse this happened again and now I feel stupid yeah but for me it was like I was like why would you do this we're engaged and I'm sure on their end that you still have the same neurology you had two months exact how was your childhood still the same right weren't you went to a jewelry store right yes didn't that change the way your hippocampus is can your frontal lobe I night decay jeweler is in pain Julis a surgeon didn't you get a lobotomy and charrids didn't sales beat that out of him what who would put in this much effort hate to disappoint me you didn't go to Zales and then automatically unfollow all the porn stars right isn't that what the story does I wish that's all it was it just smells rinks yeah I I think I think they get comfortable because they go you're not going anywhere I lock this down and all your friends are telling you how great I am and how lucky you are and you're telling me how great I am and how lucky you are to have me and quite frankly I believe it now yeah and you're not going to find out about me doing this thing and when you do find out I'm gonna make you feel crazy yeah for overreacting to it and yeah I I think I also think how old is he he was 2 years old maybe this is I think he's two years older I don't know you know my my - my my two most successful relationships were with people you know 8 to 10 years older than me yeah yeah yeah so you know but also I was very I didn't get engaged cuz I was unhappy like I was very happy with that person and of course for like eight eight nine months amazing so good and thought like I was like this is what I needed somebody who's not a comedian but sort of comedy adjacent and can work from home yeah and travel with me sometimes and is very like even keel and you know just really what was that on your clipboard yeah it was on my list that I wrote for my pass and that I once works from home that good family check good church-going boy check loves dogs well I mean I don't want you to feel too much responsibility as a successful female comedian but I mean I went to lunch with a girlfriend of mine after I called off my engagement where I'm just like I don't know if we can have everything I'm like like I really I'm like I'm so glad like Whitney's engaged and happy because that makes me feel better and she goes I think Whitney called off her engagement I was like are you I like what's in the bathroom was just like dry heaving Oh like it's not we can't have him we can't have both I have to choose because they're dry cough no I was I was wet I'm so good wet everywhere you guys everywhere so dryness and my body because I think once you get engaged the Machine sets off the family start email and you get on a chain you get the website you get there like people start kicking in I've got the ring you're using your grandma's ring we're sending the lace like it becomes this huge operation that you become a really small part of yeah you know the pressure the expectations everyone starts inviting the family friends and on tanana's gonna die soon so we need to do it near where she is and that by this type just becomes so much bigger than you yeah and that was disorienting to me did you buy a dress no no did you it is in Irvine California and I have not had time to pick it up and now I can't because it's a non-essential business that emailed me today they've left me so many voicemails where they're like hey so we should probably get you fitted for this dress cuz I ordered it because it's not like a [ __ ] did you not watch my special into what took like eight months for them to get make it or whatever so I ordered it while we were engaged and it was the first time I went to look at wedding dresses I won with my best friend and I found like my dream wedding dress and I was like God and I was like great and then cut to like a month later I'm like giving the ring back and I'm just like I'm like mmm there were so many reasons that I wanted to just push through it yes I had told all my family I bought a dress I mean that's half the women I know they're like I bought a dress what was I gonna do return I might as well just marry this guy thank God I didn't spend a lot of money like I spent I I was never gonna spy a super expensive wedding dress cuz like why would you do that you're gonna wear it once but I have a friend who bought a wedding dress that it didn't go through the wedding like it's a credit card like it didn't go purple it was no one's fault how that happened um and she dyed it black and she wears it it's like a cocktail dress it's actually well I was upset that it did not come in time for me to take promotional photos in it for my special it you know it came in a little later than that and then by the time it came in I didn't want to go get it it's a bit of a drive yeah yeah and then I have to get it fitted and I just couldn't I couldn't walk in there and be like can I just get it in a trash bag I was like I was like I'm gonna go in there and just have them like fit me I guess and when they're like so May 30th I'm gonna go yeah like I I wasn't sure how to handle it what does it look like I mean I'll show you a picture I mean he is so curious it's and it should be point we both have each other I mean let's do it please I feel like we take really good care of don't you think so very similar do I still have an album label dress in my phone yes I do I probably 200 it's pretty right god it's gorgeous no and your badonkadonk but is on phone yeah full display did you cuz it's interesting because you I think really learn a lot about who you are when you try on wedding dresses whether or not you're engaged or not I'd suggest everybody do it the salespeople love it I love when you come in not engaged and just try it come on with your filthy body it was just so weird cuz I when I went and tried wedding dresses on it was just so odd what I thought I would like we all have this image of you know the wedding dress you'd wear I picture just like really big and just Disney or whatever I got it I was like no I think I'm a straight down mermaid person well I have a picture of the other one you're on the long sleeve lady's purse I was a long sleeve lace person would have called that with you I was gonna say strap I was gonna say strapless never in front of my grandparents no what is this a horror themed wedding I never have cleavage in front of my grandparents well you can get him you know does I mean what did you just picture when I said I don't know well this is this was the other one that I was looking at which was very very different and very cleavagey this one is I'm trying to show this one is a little Oksana Baiul that one's a little like a little let's skip the daddy-daughter dance yeah but it looks so good on me but your fiance would have been able to motorboat you at any point it was a great dress and they don't read in the wedding it was also like off the rack the perfect size so flattering so that was almost it and then I would old Russian is it yeah yeah bad one is there no the good Russia you know like The Dictator like Americans they had show the Americans like like Keri Russell like this dress could ruin a democracy that's what I'm saying it's interesting and these are off-white you're an off-white person you had a full white person either yeah not a full white person gosh it's so weird were you a veil person they do the thing in the store were they what what did they say on say yes to the dress were they Jack you up that's how they say it on say yes to the dress where they give you a fake bouquet and a veil and they take pictures of you in the right light and you could kind of decide I definitely was not gonna be a veil person I do have a oh I do have a wedding venue album yeah but these are dresses that I'm not in that I didn't try on but you took pictures of the dress no there were like screen grabs from Instagram oh that's really pretty I had a cape that I I was gonna wear you were gonna wear a cake I mean I don't know ice cream grabbed this yeah I wanted to look like I mean super here I can picture the wedding shots of you in a large field on a huge estate walking your three dogs with with a gauzy cape behind you I was full cape once I saw that you could get a wedding cape that was it I also was thinking about doing a suit like remember when Celine Dion war suit backwards so great I was like I could do that but I don't know that's probably not it's gonna get as many likes and instead the the hot white suit that's you could do that for a special you know what I mean maybe I don't think so i think that people and their specials should dress simply classic timeless you're very good at this oh thank you're special we'll hold up very well thank you I hope so you know that was the I loved the Canadian tuxedo you went with oh gosh yeah do you regret it you know I don't I don't I just I I always panic in a special and I always I look I'm a 90s [ __ ] and that's just who I am and I always look 90s and that's just it I thought you like 90s and your other specials yes no I didn't think so really you had like a you had like a blazer on and yeah the the HBO special I was wearing I looked like Amelie I look like Emily's aunt I looked like a French mime you looked very chic okay thank you I got that was like a suit that was a suit with like a camisole underneath yes cuz I was like I'm gonna be a feminine I'm gonna try to not neuter myself this was back when there was such a thing as gender and this was back when I used to classify it and so yeah and then I wore heels that's the first time I wear heels in a special and that was a Mustang you know I was gonna ask you about the stupid person dumb lady I mean you pulled it off thank you that's very there was no point where I was like who's she struggling in me to roll her ankle on her closer so that was a less physical special as I recall and I remember thinking for that special maybe I shouldn't be so manic like I remember looking back and just saying sometimes I'm just like a little manic on stage and it helped me wearing a little kitten heel help me just kind of hold my power a little bit and be a little more still right those were not kitten heels though those were intentional that's true you know what a kitten heel it's yours were like the height of an actual kitten standing on its hind legs they they were they were real here ya know they were a couple inches which made me think it's so funny because I you probably have people tell you like you seems so much older than you are not your face not because of your face my soul my insides but I'm my gut source or ancient I got a lot of that too I don't get it anymore I now get like you need to grow up I age backwards I'm like mentally Benjamin Button but I'm so curious if there are things that you haven't heard of like references that I know owe him here 26 yes Lisa Loeb I've heard I've heard I couldn't tell you what Lisa Loeb looks like or what she does but I've heard Lisa Lowe I love this [ __ ] so much nothing Lisa Loeb you say how's your singer oh that's Lisa Loeb why not it's on how don't listen hard guy reruns full house reality bites oh really yeah she was I do I do love that movie but you didn't watch MTV when MTV had music videos no reality TV not really I've never really watched reality TV though do you know her Jordan Catalano is yes I do know who Jordan Catalano is oh yeah yeah from my so-called glass yeah yeah oh so what can you watch all days yes I think I I don't remember why I watched that it was probably on some list that I was like oh I should look that up it wasn't easy to find that hello when I watched it oh that's interesting but I had that you're young you probably ripped it off Napster I probably did I watched the office in very low quality yeah I do you know the crash test dummies this is a deep cut do I know what a crash test dummies like the commercials were in cars there's a band called crash test dummy oh I didn't know that mmm this is really bad mm-hmm remember once there was a girl who got into an accident and wouldn't come to school and when this is the music you guys have you heard like ariana grande it's pretty upbeat places someone gotten an axe I can't believe it didn't come to school we're over here like thank you next my life's gonna be better I can't believe that we listen to [ __ ] like this of course you don't know it once there was a girl who what was it couldn't change with the girls in the change room do you guys remember does no no one's in here don't worry about Carrie okay yeah I can't believe hold on I have to pull it up so you don't think I'm just making this up you was it your kids noise noise you listen to now look at my butt look at my butt we had real music what song is that look at my butt I don't know that that's that's the oldest thing you've ever said by the way not like your music now look at my butt look at my butt even my grandpa what I said ass call me aunt Whitney from now on do you remember Sinead O'Connor yes didn't she get in trouble on SNL oh my gosh that's your reference point yeah I think that's the shaved head yeah she was a singer in my day right that's all I know I couldn't sing you one song can you I can oh I'm sure I'm sure you guys know me too I'm sure you guys are just sitting there waiting for me to do it how did it go mama what was it mom Oh since you've been gone no I'm see I know that one Sinead O'Connor nothing compares oh she sounds exactly like that as well oh nothing compares the good news is better dead mom you have a very promising internet career post pandemic when we can't perform for people anymore life you're gonna be great on YouTube doing impressions of singers I mean this pandemic has been great for my career I mean is that I'm in a pivot and a pivot heart Logan Paul I'm coming for you come for your money I'm coming for your Ferraris coming for your Tigers coming for all of it can you name the singers of TLC what TLC do you remember TLC I'm more of an HGTV I again I love say yes to the dress what not to wear but deal see you've heard the band I've heard the band yeah but you don't know what TL & C starts no dancing where T is T Boz L is left died and C is chilly Pelle are these names yeah oh the fingers oh yeah all right I'm like this is so fascinating to me Judy what did you watch going up I mean like Lizzie McGuire I'm really young man that's so sweet it was genuinely very sad when Hilary Duff is like we're not making what's right there they were moving for because they wouldn't let her make it like edgy right yeah mm-hmm I mean she's also the best she's I mean you probably have you met her hmm is she the best the best person oh I know the nicest kindest love like just like it's weird because I think that I've had my heart broken by so many people like meeting heroes meeting famous people same names oh honey let's see how this how this quarantine goes oh I'm happy to burn bridges if there's the bridges aren't leading anywhere yeah when this business collapses I will name all the name I'm so excited when I become a YouTube star this is the first time I've wanted it to get worse for now I need to kiss everybody's ass even though I hate them oh that's great she's so she's like a delight like rescues dogs like makes her own almond milk oh I know he's also has not aged at all 12 day she looks exactly the same she's maybe the most beautiful person I've ever seen yeah no practice it's so nice when people are like nicer than you expect them to be yeah I know it's so it's so funny because you don't get points for that that's my whole thing when someone's like she's so nice it's like okay you don't get points for that Ohio's being but we are at this point where we kind of have to when someone's not an [ __ ] we're look thank you so much for not throwing something at me I know like when did our bar gets so low I know just I mean there's there's different levels to it there's like coffee we're so nice it's like really why what were they like no they just like they sat down and they talked to me and they look me in the eye and I'm like I was human yeah yeah I was doing they said thank you yeah that's not the same thing I'll use you as an example you can sit here and feel awkward about this so the first time I met you was at the DC improv which I'm praying for every day I love them so much okay DC improv about I get what was this year when did you film your special March so year ago what's only a year ago a year ago and I was headlining that weekend you were filming your special in DC yeah and the manager Allison asked me the first day on Thursday at Radio she goes Whitney wants to come in and do a 10-minute guest spot and I was like do you still want me to do the show and she was like no I'm asking you if you're okay with Whitney doing a guest spot and I was like Whitney can do the whole weekend like what are you talking about like she's like no it's just you know you're the headliner and like she's filming her special she wants to just work on like a joke and I said yeah of course that's fine you came in you first off acted like we had met before we had not which was very nice of you this is like Sona I was like here's what I'll say I think I had I'd first seen you right do you know what I mean and I knew of you but that's what a nice famous person does they go hey how are you like you've met before it's absolutely the nicest thing to do because you don't know maybe we did meet once at the Comedy Store and you can't remember we I'm telling you we hadn't cuz I would have remembered but I just thought it was nice that you came in like we're both comics worried and I I definitely didn't forget how no this is ridiculous how could you even ask me that so you came in you're like we're just you treated me like we were the same and I'm like we're not you could have done the show you think I profusely for a guest spot I was looking at your butt the entire time I was completely objectifying you thanked me profusely for a ten-minute guest spot did not run the light by a second gave me a shout-out on your Instagram and then sent flowers to my hotel room the next day so either you were the nicest person ever you have an amazing assistant and I left that weekend going Whitney Cummings is the classiest person in show business I think like who does that so now that is Remini guess what my first time ever headlining this was wasn't the first time your headline was at the Addison improv a very famous comedian showed up asked to do a ten minute guess spot I said sure and he did 45 minutes that's insane us oh my gosh Carlos Mencia anyway orig [Laughter] you guys know in this podcast I don't lie to you I wouldn't I shan't I shall not I only work with sponsors that I truly like and I'm gonna prove this to you this is I'm about to talk about Brooklyn and this is a friend of mine Tuesday at 9:26 p.m. hey I feel like you'd be the person to answer this question do you know what the nicest sheets to get are like the brand this is a text from Nasim pedrad I'm showing it to you I write back this is real I wrote this back this is before I ever read this ad responding I wrote verbatim only ones I like Brooklyn in supersoft comma buttery didn't get paid to text that to her no I didn't this these are my side conversations when I'm not rolling okay I love this company Brooklyn and was the first direct-to-consumer betting company no one wants to go in a store right now not in this climate Brooklyn was very ahead of the curve which we are all desperately trying to flatten they work directly with manufacturers directly with consumers no middlemen so you're getting the luxury products without all that markup variety of sheets tons of colors patterns mine are white well I have three dogs so they're kind of yellowish no but I think they were white whatever but yeah this is the only betting I use that's all that's all I can tell you I have purchased this product on my own Brooklyn and sheets they are the perfect place to start making your mornings great or now that we're in a pandemic your full days since we just spend all day in bed now Brooklyn it is so confident in their product that all their been in bettin C bent it I miss Benton calling bedding Benton oh this is a really telling ad read their bedding comes with a life time warranty get 10% off your first order and free shipping when you use the promo code Whitney that's me only at Brooklyn and calm BR oh okay li n en comm promo code Whitney get 10% off your first order and free shipping when you use promo code Whitney only at Brooke linen calm BR oh okay Elle any n.com promo code whitney brooklyn and everything you need to live your most comfortable life women's razors cost up to 15% more than men's well unbelievable it's called the pink tax look it up google it folks the idea that women should have to pay more for the same product is how trudges not only is it out prejudice it also guys razors are so much more complicated still cheaper than ours okay this is why billy was invented they deliver premium razors directly to you for half the price of what you find in the store so you're not gonna get hoodwinked anymore billy's putting a stop to the skullduggery of the razor business and you know what they sent me some shaved my legs eyes closed didn't even cut my knee that's a big deal it takes a lot to get me to shave took a pandemic but i did it and this is the first razor i've ever used that doesn't make me look like I've been attacked by a shark and is affordable nine dollars you can get four refill blades every one two or three months based on how often you shave which in this time might not be very much and good for you each razor cartridge includes five american-made blades don't worry they don't have that Wuhan on them encased in aloe soap for the smoothest shave that's gentle on your sensitive skin they also have more space between each blade to allow the shave cream soap and hair to pass on by that's probably why I wasn't hemorrhaging afterward it's good to know allure chose them is their best beauty winner nylon also they're winning all the awards love it get free shipping always skip adjust to cancel your subscription any time it's not like the stupid gym you can get out if you want to but you won't want to express a little love for our show go to my Billy comm slash Whitney for 10% off your razor it's a small way you can support us while also getting the best razor of your life half the price plus shipping is always free limited time special offer so go now get 10% off your razor at my Billy dot-com and your body's gonna look like a porpoise in no time I cannot think of one famous comedian who I would expect to be that trepidatious about it I really cannot like to me it just seems like such a no-brainer yeah that somebody who was filming a special that weekend yeah and his famous would not be like is this cool of course it is I know like I just I just I don't know I mean and maybe this is why I like you so much in vibrate with you I just don't have that entitlement thing I think it I feel like this is you know I can't I do us this is your show you know oh I still won't park in the paid regular a lot of the Comedy Store because I feel weird making friends of mine park my car by the way good like good that is like the healthy reaction like I think that a lot of people that have big egos I get it I get but I think the best comedians are the ones that for their entire career are like is this okay is this cool because you're staying in touch with reality your empathic your sensitive those are the best comedians yeah the ones that are like who me shucks like those are the ones that I think are the best writers the best performers and have the biggest careers yeah someone that comes in and this isn't you but the people who come in that they do one you know set on TV and they're like I [ __ ] killed who says that oh my god you're not fun there's no way you're funny the best comedians come offstage and like how was that was that okay beating themselves up having panic attacks totally spiraling could have done that better I remember my um I want to say this mice and I did like my second special nervous it was an HBO special so is my third special and they were like you know what we should do this was a time when everyone was doing like opens and like little skits and fro yeah mirror which I don't you know I just like I just like to kind of get to it and I did open my special with an elaborate man-on-the-street bit yeah where I pretended like nobody knew that's not it I was performing at the venue but it's fine that's not like I'm joking I didn't do that I mean that it depends on how its executed right a lot of people are gonna get mad at me about this I know I think most people say that now most people are like joke let's not do any skits I haven't seen any I mean we had like 20 seconds of me backstage with music over it and yeah mine and I was like yeah yeah because you see so many like famous comedians now who just come out to silence and you're like that's pretty cool but you also have people who are like losing their [ __ ] yeah I mean we people were there to see me and it was very nice but it wasn't like you know like Marc Maron walking out to a smaller room of people and they're just like please welcome Marc Maron you're like this is the coolest [ __ ] I'm like we need to kind of build me up a little bit because people are most people are gonna watch this going all right I'm like no this make me look cool for like 20 seconds I think though it's also we're at this place where it's like there are a lot of people so I'm obsessing over this like I haven't washed my hair in so long it looks good and I have this like weird I look like Theo von I have this weird chunk of like dreadlock happening I look like Jason full Jason Momoa but yeah what is that's really annoying me um I I think though that there's so many super famous comedians that we all think are famous that no one knows about and they seen for the first time i Netflix right next to your special yours famous to some what you know ii mean it's like yeah i think we're in this place now where people are someone either has never heard of you or knows what you had for breakfast right there's no in-between someone's famous if you follow them so if somebody follows you you're the most famous person in their life I mean it's there the days of everyone having the same celebrities or is just over yeah you know what you're probably right I mean that's my brand probably right I make money don't be the new tour when you're like I'm not sure if it's if it's ethically right for me to be doing live shows and haters only the right decision and you'll probably live probably okay but no true pointed like you know so they were like let's film you coming offstage let's have some behind-the-scenes this is like right when it was like we need social media content and we had to film ourselves doing everything all the time and I was like okay sure like if you guys want to film me coming upstage go for it I come upstage like shows it's like second show Saturday so it's like everyone's gonna you know Energy's great I come off it's the best version of what I'm gonna do I've been doing it for a year it's your special can't go better than this yeah I've never been more rehearsed or prepared for this couldn't gone better i go offstage that we play the footage back like in post and editing like I look devastated I look heartbroken I look like I'm grieving I I'm not I'm not the person who comes up stages like yeah [ __ ] nailed it like I'm not that person I come off stage and I'm like ah [ __ ] I did that out of order like I should have done this better like what was that like I yeah like melancholy yeah I couldn't use the footage yeah it was sad shoot me going on stage [ __ ] get shoot me like yeah you know there's a camera there I'll fake it yeah but I'm not I'm not that person at all you got to pretend to believe in yourself before you go onstage and then once you're off you're like I just tricked all those people what a great way to say it I got to pretend to believe in myself yeah I feel the same way when I get offstage I feel like just like okay like everyone get away from me no it's a job you know it is a job that's that's why I like you so much as you treat it like a job and you like make it okay to not be treating it like a party not enjoy you are not that fun Whitney and I really love that about you because I'm not fun I'm glad I've made it okay for you to be miserable either you are hot and efficient and successful and I really enjoy it I think it's very inspiring and that's who I look to okay I when I was on tour with uh with Burt I was like when I was younger I would feature for him and I was so impressed with who he was and how he operates on the out and how he just brings everyone into his ya world and I was also like I will never never could never do it I look on the bus there's all this code like one of these people on the bus what's what are you what is are we washing our hands or whose sleeve do we go to sing at the same time yeah I need in order to socialize for two hours I need about five days yes to like rev up yeah Oh after this pandemic I genuinely think I might be an extrovert afterward I feel like after this I'm gonna be like oh I get why people wanna yeah a talking line at the grocery store this makes sense to me sending your dog just farted and my dog just farted I think so yeah no he's been so long he's been farting a lot I also think he said daughter no no you're done okay no just what I'm six feet away from you but I'm trying to waft afire comfort is that your excuse cuz you think I'm giving you a Corona oh wait a second we actually had an interesting conversation downstairs of when you go outside now and you go near someone there's this unanimous decision this very consensual almost choreographed leaned away from each other mm-hmm and I appreciate that that's us all doing what we're supposed to be doing good straight-a students but there's a are we saying is the subtext I might have this or is it you look like you have this I think it's case by case I think if I see someone coming towards me and they look very well-groomed and they're already leaning I trust them love that person and I go this is on me I'm I'm the trash fire walking for you and I will go into the gutter you can keep the sidewalk but if they you're the clown and yes this is how you tell if you're walking towards me on the sidewalk and I go into the street it means I respect you yeah if I go onto someone's lawn to avoid you that means I think I'm better than you I remember there's this guy once when I was like in my twenties like a friend of mine that like hooked up with a lot of girls and I was like I hope you're using protection right and he's like here's the key to using a condom if you hook up with a girl and she insists on using a condom you don't need to use one because that means she uses it all the time I can't believe we're friends with any men but that works it's to this example if someone's super anal I'm like okay you're good right yeah that was us texting each other this morning are you comfortable doing this if you're not comfortable then that makes me more comfortable we cancelled this they say sighs yeah are you trying to cancel me maybe like oh we're good I have legitimately been listening to the beginnings of people's podcasts where they talk about how they're doing yelling can I go do their podcast have they been staying inside yeah yeah yeah because I just you don't know how you don't like you know it's are you you you've done a couple of your podcast remotely mm-hmm so tell me about your podcast it's called self helpless it's called self helpless I do it with Kelsey Cook and Delaney Fisher Kelsey is also a touring comic and Delaney used to do stand-up that's how we all met and now she owns her own business and works from home I'm so fascinated when I see younger female comics being friends oh yeah that's know is a new fun thing oh yeah because there's more of us or do you think it's gotten less competitive that's a great question which by the way I do not judge competitive female comics hot take is that a lot of them yes can be nasty and and but I do think my generation and up we had to be like that to navigate this do you know what I mean yeah so we get grandfathered in we get to be a little prickly right okay we're allowed to being competitive because I think that chicken-and-egg that's the only way you had to be like really alpha and really fierce and really competitive in order to say I want to go do that at 2:00 in the morning every night with a bunch of drunk bros yes you know what I mean so I I give I give them a pass whenever people complain about how mean female comics out other female comics I'm like there used to be one slot on it yes a competitive cap because it was a competition yeah very recently I think there's a nice way to acknowledge the competition though yeah I think I haven't had anybody be like a [ __ ] to me like I haven't had any of that belief but I think any time that I have felt that yeah between me and another person we both acknowledged it yeah I'm like okay well they do not give many spots to this person so if anybody's gonna get it it's gonna be one of like that kind of thing like this is just good game yeah I mean I did last comic standing five six years ago yeah and I remember being in a van with esther povitsky and we were like in the top 20 yeah and we were in the van going well we're both its young white girls so it'll be one of us that goes to top ten and I think by that point we were so tired of the reality show aspect really I hope it's you I hope it's like I have a good joke for you I have a good closer what you say you take mine use your minds combine the best of both yeah no I think also like you know I think that there's a little bit of a confusion and maybe it's just the scarcity complex thing like you know and I try to save as much as I can it's like it doesn't help female comics if other female comics fail or aren't funny yes you know so there is a little bit and maybe it's just other people pitting women against each other you know like when I walk through an airport someone will come up to me and be like oh my god I love you and then it'll just list the other female comics they don't think are funny right and I hate female camels like so and so so about you yeah and this wasn't that funny you're like I know they're my friend you're kind of just trashing my friends but I see what you're doing um but I I think people to understand like if a female comic isn't funny then when our specials come up and people don't know who we are they're gonna go uh that didn't work out last time like yeah the morphine won't comment that are funny the more everyone succeeds yeah you know what I mean so it's like it's just like sort of a weird thing to be competitive about it it's just like mathematically wrong yeah people will give my special a chance not knowing who I am yeah because they watched you or like Joe if you like this also watch this yeah yeah everybody helps everybody you know and it's just it's it's it's so interesting to me and I never know if it's sort of the kind of personality that would sign up to do such a savage job it's just gonna have to be a savage person or what it is exactly yeah I mean I feel like being like a white guy in your 30s right now the competition isn't that's like the hardest thing I mean it was funny I was sitting I was at the improv with Sarah Silverman this must have been like I don't know like six months ago back when we were allowed to go outside and we were watching some guy I don't know who was it was like I don't think I knew him but he was on stage you're just like a white guy talking about his family or something and Sarah looked at me and she was just like this is actually really funny like when it's not all of them like I actually really enjoy that like it's really it's refreshing to hear this point of view yeah it's not the only point of view yeah you know yeah that's the idea is to make everybody's point of view refreshing yeah because everybody's getting a minute yeah yeah it's been interesting do you find that guys you know I'll just say that I do that sometimes guys will come up to me and the big look my girlfriend loves you I don't know you but my girlfriend thinks you're hilarious can we get a picture I'm like you're allowed to think a girl's funny yeah you can like me right you don't have to say it's your girlfriend yeah do you see do you think you would get mostly men or women when you look out kai I got a guy at where was I I think it was at the Brea improv this was like a year ago maybe or maybe a little less and a guy came up to me with his girlfriend he goes look I hate female comedians like here we go yes he made me come and he takes out a small bottle of fireball and he goes I brought this to get drunk because I thought you were gonna suck and I'm like honey goes you were great I didn't even open it like I don't know how to feel because on the one foot ball thank you is I win would you like a photo yes first also [ __ ] you a little also tag me yeah I'll take what I can get Wow I know to admit something like that is pretty nuts I know he wants points for that oh so any point he thinks you're gonna go like we got one everybody my god yeah yes yes I'm gonna ring a bell like he like we got a donation were so many opportunities for him to turn around and not do that mm-hmm so many times I want to talk about your progress cuz it's about stuff help mostly right it is self-help yeah I want to see if there's anything I can help you with oh my gosh there's so much he could help me with I'm sure I was 26 I mean I was unconscious really you seemed very clear yeah thank you so much I think I'll for where honestly and this is maybe a little morbid but my mom died when she was 34 I laugh at sad things okay so you can't say sad things to me because I start laughing that's totally fine and it's people laughing at me no but it's good it's good it's like I might have to go for a walk oh no really yeah like sad things make me laugh like uncontrollably oh I'm sorry it's like an emotional dyslexia can I not get real no I wasn't ready I was kidding I was alive oh thank god oh thank god oh my god you're just about a lighted dream once of my mom died at 34 and I've AM cheated with your mom is that the story okay sorry I think I just have always expected and maybe you I don't know this might not be a dead parent thing this could just be some a workaholic things but I've always felt like I'm running out of time yeah you're having all of your emotional work completely undone oh no you are running out right well I feel like I know you don't work hard enough thank you oh my god I just start three more podcasts I I have always felt like I'm gonna be dead at 34 and I felt like weights why I've been lucky in this business where I'm like wow I do work hard and I try to I'm yeah deserve what I get but I also every time I get something like I kid you not Whitney when this pandemic hit uh-huh is that a week after my special came out I was like I knew it I knew it I knew something that I knew was going too well mm-hmm and I knew something meanwhile so many more people are watching your special event oh I hate getting that feedback to where people are just like hey everyone's watching Netflix right now I'm like I think everyone was watching Netflix just slower are you saying it took a pandemic to get people to watch my what you're saying that seemed I don't know he ran out of things to watch yeah that sounds like something well he's not gonna cheat on you well II can't but yeah I think I've just always felt like I don't have enough time to be unconscious like I never felt like I could party yeah or hang out yeah drink or anything yeah I was like I don't have time to have my life fall apart and then put myself back together I have to be together because I'm going to be dead very soon yeah cuz your mom died [ __ ] yeah it's Larry oh it's look my dad is dead which is also so funny now laughing okay now let me it's it's when other people tell me something horrible I can't handle I've always laughed at things that are horrific it's just my emotional dyslexia that's you know I think it's helped me coping mechanism prepared okay your mom passed when she was 34 huh you should be sorry how could you come in here and ambush me bad news when you know my brain is broken so how old were you I was eight okay okay yeah yeah so then I went through puberty a year later and it became abundantly clear that I was not going to get hot after this tragedy and I'm you're very hot this is recent this is I'm not even that hot like I think I'm cute but this is like the last few years like I I was not like your face turned I I don't think I was even in the neighborhood of hot until like three years ago really yeah I think you're very hot and that's the consensus you I'm not the consensus I feel like if you the consensus she's like a vixen really like a hot vixen you you haven't spoken anyone in 13 I don't consensus voices you my dog just think so look I'm in a lot of text change with a lot of comedians and if you don't think we brought up your but you are sorely mistaken yeah no I've heard if you think the me to movement made it to comedy you are wrong laughing I've heard I've sweetheart I developed really early as a kid like I started wearing a sports bra when I was in third grade and so people were commenting on like my boobs and my ass yeah or they should have been probably and I wasn't but my face wasn't like killing it so I just really got a baby I think I might have been no I I was just like I was this height in fifth grade like I was maybe an inch shorter like I just looked 15 when I was 10 and so for me I didn't want any very bottom yeah and I didn't want anyone looking at my body mm-hmm in that way because I didn't feel ready for it and you were a friend because you were because I wasn't thank you if I didn't feel ready I just didn't feel ready you weren't ready to be sex traffic you were shy it was a child but I just didn't uh I didn't want anybody looking at me that way but then you still want to be pretty but then you don't when people comment on specific parts of your body you start to feel like they're like chopping you up yes it's going this bits good and you're like yeah I did morning mica night into the mitt yeah well it's also like I'm thinking about what you said I was like god it's so weird that she felt the need to be pretty at a young age I'm like oh no we have pageants we have children in tanning beds yeah wearing wet and wild lip gloss like we do sexualize actual children yeah and you spend so much time trying to be pretty and then you get into comedy yeah and you go oh I have to not be pretty to be good at this and for me when I found comedy I was like cool I don't have to be pretty yeah I can stop trying to be pretty and just focus on being funny hmm and then once people started making comments like oh you're just you're not funny you're just pretty like that which I don't get a ton of that but sometimes I did I was like mad where I was like I would get more mad at myself I got mad at myself a month ago doing the Tonight Show where I was like you dumb [ __ ] trying to look good when you're just supposed to be funny like you it I was so mad because to me it was like I still feel like sometimes you can be both but your first priority has to be funny and so I think for me becoming a comedian was like a relief of like I found it's like when you were a kid and they go you know you're not that pretty but you have a great personality and I got something yeah and you meet someone with a great personality who's also very symmetrical and you're like some people just get [ __ ] everything it doesn't seem at all so like once I go they have depression thank God yeah yeah and then once I started doing stand-up I was like cool I'm just gonna be funny I don't need to I will make up for my looks this way mm-hmm by being really and then your genetics kicked in and you got hot you're very like jacking up hot thank you so much that is what works best on me you're very um it's not who is it like not Betty Page who's it's so you've got very like 50s pinup hot oh thank you I think of other Betty Betty Davis I don't know see I'm not that old Betty Betty Page is like Betty porn was a pin-up girl it's actually fascinating to me I'm I'm obsessed with women that were sex symbols that knew they shouldn't be photographed after a certain time and just kind of disappeared uh-huh so Betty Page also Hedy Lamarr did the same thing Betty Page at like 35 moved to Florida and doesn't allow any photos to be taken of her cuz she's like I wanted to be remembered that way is she still alive don't know that's that's I mean that's a perfect example of how well she did that we're like is she still alive right honey that we don't know deceased died in 2008 but the last pictures of her when to when she was like 35 I think I like I've expired and never let any photos be taken of her I think I watched a movie about her mm-hmm and I genuinely thought she died young that was her plan she wanted to be remembered that way isn't that URI and weird she knew she's like I know my value and I want to be immortalized this way that makes me so sad as a woman and so impressed from a branding perspective I'm like should I just disappear now so ask me something asked me something that you guys have not figured out on your because I think I was gonna come to your podcast at some Pillai think so and now I mean yeah oh I wanted to ask you this how do you suffer from imposter syndrome oh of course still yeah I mean because you seem very self-aware but you also seem pretty confident like we just talked about the like oh I hate myself I didn't do that right yeah that's like perfectionism and workaholism yeah of course we all have that but the imposter syndrome and I don't deserve this and I'm not good enough yeah do you still struggle with I'm sorry okay I don't have so I don't I definitely don't hate myself like I don't say that anymore even as a joke that's one of the off-limits things for me but like when I come off stage and I'm like AHA what the [ __ ] like it's more like how did I do that I could have done that better which is true yes saying I could have done something better is not low self-esteem I don't like this thing we're now at if self edification and self-improvement is now self-flagellating it's not it's a scientific fact that if I go on stage and I come off I probably could have done something a little bit better the audience will never know the difference it doesn't matter but I know I know yeah do you know what I'm saying yeah I'm the one that did this so I know that I could have done better you guys don't get to decide that I have low self-esteem because I want this to be as good as it can be like I refuse on that I refuse for someone being wanting to be excellent as like being pathologized as a perfectionist yes you don't I mean as long as you yourself have times that you go that was excellent that's right that's right but if you never do that you're a great agree agree agree so impostor syndrome for me I I don't think I don't deserve certain things I actually think I deserve a lot more oh my god teach me how to go that way I have had a lot of things in this business go sideways and like really unfairly not happen because of people's egos and bad behavior granted I made bad decisions I mean I didn't I didn't they weren't bad at the time with my clipboard and on paper I didn't trust my gut about certain people that ended up being you know megalomaniacs and narcissists and that destroyed things so I had a lot of things that I wanted to happen not happen because I had the wrong team in place you know so I think I deserved for those things to happen III have reversed imposter syndrome the couple projects okay well I'm like it's unfair that that that didn't happen I mean look I but I'm also I'm gonna tell us that program and step three is everything is happening exactly as it should and thank God those didn't happen and I dodged a bullet in rejection it's God's protection and all that you know looking back it is the best thing that happened I know that but I I still am allowed to say I deserve that and I didn't get it and life's not fair and that's fine inter I definitely have I think because we're magicians in a way you know we sometimes go on stage and you guys are gonna think we're having the best time of our lives and we're really sad inside or confused or you might think that we you know are really in the moment in present when sometimes we're not and we're thinking about our next joke or whatever I went onstage I did two months of stand-up right after my dad died and no one would have known you know a lot of what we do is acting so when I have a the imposter syndrome of I tricked them sometimes that's true you know so I have a little bit of they're gonna find out that I'm a phony there's a little bit of that because I think sometimes we have to be because of the circumstances I mean I was dreading doing shows the week that everyone was canceling cuz corona cuz I was like I'm not to go to Detroit and I'll have to go in there and I'm gonna have to pretend I'm not scared yeah and I'm gonna have to pretend that every time I hear a coffee I don't hear it I'm gonna have to barrel through these jokes I'm gonna have to like lie about why I can't do a meet and greet like I was like I'm gonna have to be a complete phony and sometimes we have to do that you know so I think that I some I have to delineate the difference between impostor syndrome and like no I did kind of just pull one over because I had to because we have to perform we plan at six months in advance and we don't know what's gonna happen that morning and if my mom is sick and something bad happens and I just heard bad news I still have to go onstage and not let anyone know but that's a difference between this audience is going to find out that I'm sad today and every audience is gonna find out I actually suck yeah yeah yeah I remember when I first was touring I was opening for this male comedian that was pretty big at the time and his whole thing was about being married guy being a married guy and his kids and his wife and the thing and uh probably his annoying naggy wife cuz all wives are annoying in a nightmare you know dare they rear and raise your children you proposed to them I mean I don't like he went and bought the ring why okay and he was broken up they were they had been divorced for like six months and every night before he went on stage he'd put on his wedding ring Oh brutal that is so brute yeah that to me is when when I think when I'm being false are not telling the truth you know that's when I would feel like I was just being fake or being phony but I think that I think that that goes away with time you know I think I definitely felt it more in the beginning and I don't feel it as much anymore because of how much I've given up for this and how hard I've worked I don't really feel it anymore yeah you know I feel it a little bit with like a podcast because I don't know what I'm doing like the place I feel impostor syndrome is like with a podcast you know stuff that I haven't been doing for a really long time like I look at you know someone like Rogan and people in Bobby Lee and friends might've been doing pockets for a long time and I'm like I don't want you to think that I am like think I'm you you know it's for that yeah you know because I'm really big into meritocracy we're so worried about what other kind they don't give a [ __ ] doesn't look good for you can I come in your podcast and I'm like but I'm not trying to steal your light they're like yeah we don't think you are yeah fine yeah I mean I don't know I think I think comedians who are successful don't worry about other people being successful mm-hmm I think unsuccessful comedians yeah talk a lot of [ __ ] yeah that's correct and so if someone's talking [ __ ] about you it's like they're talking [ __ ] about everybody yeah that's right like they're they're probably saying like and they have verbs last special was fine you're like you know nothing like it's also like yeah they have more time to gossip because I only do 15 minutes a night right that's more time on their hands and they're hanging out I remember this was like I want to say remember when Jerry Seinfeld was at The Comedy Store like two months ago this was recently Jerry Seinfeld like popped into the Comedy Store Jerry Seinfeld liesl Oh Jerry Seinfeld popped in and did this I had never heard this bit before but it was [ __ ] hilarious about reason of course he can make raisins funny and he did this like long like very good bit about raisins just destroys right he goes off stage I go on I think after him or I don't know who else it doesn't matter and then I go to town and a pretty known comic it's like doing old material I was thinking - whoa dude it's first of all most P yeah I don't know if it like what are you doing I know what are you doing yeah and I remember having this very specific moment where I was like don't do that don't do it yeah it is a part of the brain that's responsible for being a comedian is being critical judging being sort of an observer not a participant because that's what we are we're not participants in society we're observers in society it's that simple and we have to find something wrong with everything you know we have to find injustice everywhere right I mean Gary Gulman did it with sugar cookies like we can we can make anything offensive that's what we do so but I think the key is being able to turn it off when it comes to other comedians and when we're not performing or writing yeah I think for me I have really tried to find something I can like and respect about most comics even if they're not like my thing and if they're not bug you we're not the target audience exactly where you're buying tickets you don't have to like anybody and it's a it's funny I remember Neal Brennan said once about like comedy managers and he was like if I was a comedy manager I would just walk into a comedy club ask all the comedians who they hate and then sign those comments that's hilarious that's so fun yeah who do you hate great I'm gonna go sign that guy right because every time you talk [ __ ] about another comedian what you're really saying is why didn't I get what they got and why don't I have what they have that's right and you're just it just makes you sound angry never yeah and it doesn't yeah even if other people are agreeing with you that's just them going I'm bitter - you don't seem to have a lot of anger I don't but I've also gotten a lot of [ __ ] really oh my god I've got I mean like I've been given a lot of opportunities by the industry if I was like I have more good news and bad news I haven't heard about it really yeah I have a Netflix special Whitney I know but I'm 26 what's it's a stupid [ __ ] that's the dumbest thing no I just mean I mean I got my first special at 26 and I got like [ __ ] don't go online ever don't ever give something don't ever go but yourself oh no I would never are you kidding me okay I think I got my first question of 26 dad that's what I'm saying oh god I was saying do you still feel that way cuz I'm sure you did oh [ __ ] yeah I like I feel like I've just always been all it's like I when I was 26 I didn't even think no I am I am you yeah I want the beginning oh oh you you are you are Italy and I am the United States and you should be telling me what to expect never leave your home ever again maroon yourself in your apartment for life never speak to another person and don't Google yourself under any circumstances I do think though I think for me it's so interesting that I didn't put that together yet cuz I just keep going like well she's young in a different time like but it's still so early that's a dog dog just farted that's really really aggressively I'm so sorry I gave him duck eggs don't ask did you actually yeah I did I wanted to get him just eggs and I got home and they were duck eggs hashtag Los Angeles and so those are duck egg farm you have no idea how good you have it bro sorry I think in my head I just go like oh but like people think women are funny now like this is a different totally you know this is not a gender thing right this is an age that's right interesting like when you got a special at 26 and you know yeah how old was burr when burr blew up yeah you know what I mean like I think it's like what would be worse being successful in having people not like you or being not successful and having the respect of comics no you wouldn't have it then either no I think there are people who are considered like underrated or whatever who not what you want you want to be underrated nope I would I'll be overrated any day of the [ __ ] week really yes go and have everyone hate you sure really yeah I don't know that I feel that way if you don't pay my bills I just don't I can't listen to you I just not I it's bad business I love you so much what what I'm here my hero I'm just saying like you don't I don't work for you yeah I work for the people that Plus press play on the Netflix special and the people that buy tickets those are my boss you're not my boss like if you don't like it that you're not buying tickets if you bought tickets and have a problem with the show I will respond you in the comments I will give you a refund I will listen to you like I actually take a lot of feedback from Instagram and comments see I'm the opposite a lot of people are like don't read your comments just [ __ ] [ __ ] that but you're gonna listen to comedians so you're gonna ignore the people that follow you and they could buy tickets but you're gonna listen to the people that don't buy tickets oh that's so it's emo I listen to the comments the people the Philistines that we all say what the [ __ ] do they know I mean they must know something cuz they're the ones that Ticketmaster I mean they're like it fells the seats so we have to listen to them wow I'm a comedian but I take it to a comedy show that's a very good point so I'm not saying like what are the you know about comedy well they're the ones that consume it yeah I don't know what to tell you yeah you know so I just I just I don't know how else to think yeah so when someone is like oh the [ __ ] joke logo was kind of offensive or whatever I'll go like you know look at that interesting and if a comedians like that was hilarious I'm like doesn't matter whoa take it in water off a duck's back maybe I don't know I wonder why I feel that way though do you think you felt differently we were younger all I care about cool all I cared about when I was younger was the approval of comedians okay I cared about I care about the respective comedians now yes that's all that is really important to me yeah that's what I mean because I want but but I also know myself I know how I respond to other people that are doing well that I'm jealous I like it's just not a pure form of feedback there's nothing a comedian can say to you that's like unbiased saying yeah I'm gonna ask you a couple more things I don't have to let you go at some point I really don't want to because I have so much to do you have to go I have a phone call tomorrow yeah I am slammed I have to emotionally prepare myself for sleep the nightmares have been insects guys I have to nap schedule tomorrow I was just gonna ask you because your podcast is so you guys talk a lot about self-help like what's the best advice you feel like you've heard recently ooh any good bangers I always like to sort of bring this up and I also want to ask about your relation with money since I feel like you probably you're making money anything you've learned that you want to share so with the podcast it's hard because I was so busy the last three months and on the road so much I actually have not been on that many episodes recently so now in quarantine Lehner are on this remote podcast like well Taylor's back like I had just been like you guys I know I'm not pulling my weight by the way you're the girl that disappears when she dates a guy and they break up and she's like I'm right what are we doing guys so what are you up to yeah instead of a guy it was my career and which is also gone and I was really like I just can't be on every episode anymore I had missed a lot of them and yeah I couldn't even tell you the last one so the best piece of advice is keep doing your podcast oh my god stay connected stay connected we have now do not become a live touring yeah I mean we obviously we read like the artists way which is you know the best I read war of art and I read intuitive eating in college and we did an episode on that cows need Eleni like kind of either I don't know if they read it or they read like sparknotes on it but they were like we do not this does not work for us I had a lot of food issues growing up but I would like binge and stuff yeah yeah and so in college anyone you work out no I would just binge in like high school and then I would not eat like all day come home and binge so and then I got to college and then I started losing weight and then it was like all like thought about was what I was eating and I got like I was on hole 34 like for months and like you know were you're just thinking about every single thing and then I read intuitive eating I think it was after college action and I could see how it would not work for some people it did for what basic it's just listen to your body and think about how this food is gonna make you feel when you eat it as opposed to your bad if you eat this and you know you're good if you eat that like putting all those yeah you know judgments on each thing so it's it's like very simple it seems very simple when you read it where it's just like are you gonna feel bad the fact that we have a read a book I know to teach ourselves when to eat when you're hungry like I love the idea of people starving in Africa being like wait there's a book where people have so not think it's bad to eat just the worst white girl ever no I mean III did all that stuff I did the eating naked in front of the mirror thing for a while oh my god that's the whole thing I doing I think there's something to that not the eating I've never eaten naked in front of a mirror like I would maybe never but I have I have sleep naked I have I'm too scared some shits gonna go down to the middle of the night you know what I thought about I think about your body so much oh my god thank you mean so much to me I leave shirtless your know your guts am your boyfriend posted like photos of you sleeping yeah and it was so funny and I am fascinated by what people wear when they sleep uh-huh and I noticed you were wearing like a full suit and every was I I wore I were sweat I was wearing like a sweatshirt in one and it's just cuz I fell asleep on the couch I dressed like Annie Hall when I go to bed I put on a full tuxedo cumberbund vest high up sneakers like watch with a chain monocle I am ready to go at any time you get up and leave yeah I don't sleep like that I do sleep in like sweatpants and a t-shirt and what do you think you're just like one be ready I want a vigilant I want to be ready I like sleeping naked when it's happened but I just the idea it has to happen I can't plan people to get roofied how do we do fall asleep naked you have sex and then you fall asleep you know it's you've never fallen asleep after sighs OH Oh Andy I'm so worried about you really that one time what is this a movie never I have never had sex in his life but you get all you have to vacuum premises I'm gonna brush your teeth you gotta pee after you go cry there's a lot that has to happen I've never fallen asleep after sex in the life really yes you never like gotten up gone to pee we have to argue about it we have to fight we have to be like what was that new move come from that like there's there's a fighting that has to have like I've never talking that has to have you've never slept naked I don't think I have ever slept naked I mean it is nice I do get up when I'm in bad relationships or have been in bad relationships where I was constantly auditioning for approval of the other person and worried they were gonna abandon me at any moment I would wat like let them fall asleep when I was naked and then I would secretly get up and put clothes on and then sleep and then wake up before they woke up and take my clothes off to pretend that I had slept naked like I'm cool girl this is the saddest thing I've ever heard in my life I agree that sentence that sentence if you haven't seen gone girl you just heard it that that sentence was the plot of gone girl that was insane like you would wake up and be like you put on a shirt I used to wake up like set my alarm to wake up and then go put makeup on and then get back in bed and like be like that in that I've heard of I have never heard of anyone full lashes I've never heard of anyone pretending to sleep naked I wake up at 4 a.m. to contour and pretend this is just what I look like you know that I've heard of mmm the pretending to sleep naked thing is another level brutal that I didn't know about oh yeah it's nice I mean sleeping here's the thing I think I've accepted that I may not ever have children given that this ending I just don't know if I can cuz my anxiety is so bad now and with everything falling dude here's what I'll say I'm very fascinated by I know a lot of people that are in their 20s that are kind of like is it ethically sound to have kids what if there's no water like you know it's kind of an interesting thing I talk to a lot of people your age that think that way yeah that's kind of it'll change when you're 31 and the body starts to take over and possess you oh when I was engaged I was following a baby's hashtag on Instagram and fully crying watching clips of babies that I didn't know yeah these were strangers yeah these babies and I was now on Megan's Law I was weeping openly hey I like know what's in there and the a minute I broke my engagement I was like I don't need to have kids for a long time I think when you think you found your person yeah you're like we should make our stuff we need to duplicate yeah but when you are not with your person interesting you kind of go on birth control I am on birth control which one Lolo estrin Oh been there I've been there did you like it you skipped the placebos or no no can you skip that's the one that you just honey what yes the sugar pills I - when I was on block so I would skip them just so that you wouldn't have your period oh I take the sugar pills and I still don't get a period oh good okay that's what that time yeah that's interesting because I've talked about this before in the podcast when you're on birth control you're attracted to a different type of person because your body thinks you're pregnant right so you smell pheromones differently then why do I keep dating comedians lobar [Laughter] switch birth controls your faribault low standards yeah we did we did a couple episodes on birth control and post birth control syndrome mhm because Kelsey and Delaney both were like we have to get off birth control yeah and you're supposed to go off birth control is soon as you basically get engaged before you get married to make sure you're still attracted to the person when you're off of it because you're attracted to a different type of person when you're pregnant than when you're not pregnant we did not even hear about that yeah gotta have me on your pot oh my god auntie Whitney on your pot we seriously do uh there was on low Estrin and married the wrong man for her so when you're pregnant are you attracted to people who seem stable you're attracted the kind of person that could help you essentially raise your child and protect your child oh they say I don't really believe in the alpha-beta thing there's there's really no such thing that's a confusing concept if you get granular about it but let's just use those what you're saying I might be like my body might be like I'm pregnant and this guy is home a lot correct so that's good you're gonna be attracted to someone who's unemployed yeah when you're on birth control but when you're off birth control you're going to essentially be more turn out by men that take risks that are more alpha that would be essentially the kind of genetics you want to so when you have we you are not on birth control you are less responsible in your dating choices when I was not on birth control I was mostly dating guys that had tattoos and cheated yes you're in the essentially alpha risk taking DNA tall big hands deep voice that whole deal okay well this isn't fair because I have only dated on birth control and I've still been hated on so I was cheated on by a beta and that's not fair that is not cool sorry he's very friendly what's your next podcast topic I'm sorry we just recorded one with me and Sam we're know how'd that go we talked about ah we talked about this sorry wait Frank come here get off of her please I'm so sorry Frank Frank you're so heavy sorry Frank Frank come here Bubba OOP sorry sorry yeah watch your okay all right sorry you want to come pop out my IUD that way thank you buddy boy but oh he is going for it yeah but what was your question no I was just curious if though the next podcast that's coming out is I just like to I like to talk to people in their 20s and pass on advice they don't need oh my god like my obligation is that you feel as you get older you start to feel this obligation to like pass on things like as an elder I have your phone number now and if you think that I'm not gonna be using it that's true I mean yeah you're kidding yourself ile like I've become like the mom like a comedy mom people like text me all the time like today I got a text from community was like hey do you know a lawyer who could help my friend who's like landlord isn't letting her have a service dog I was like I love that I'm the person for this people like hey can you mix tylenol with ambien I'm like I don't I'm not a pharmacist I don't know why do I get so many weird questions from people you know I can't believe people are asking you about making you know taking ambien and whether or not they should God don't do it do you sleep well no okay that me not at all better I take you good you could be like that person that falls asleep as soon as you get on a plane no that's my face being around again really a lot of people make a lot of assumptions based on my round face you they drink a lot of milk on my glass of lactose-intolerant no are you um well rested oh my god thank you yeah I'm not my cheeks are just fat I just look like a toddler in a tiara money someone would pay for that face I know people say that but I haven't seen any know I'll purge it later I'm sure it's like when you're a kid and you're like why don't I have boobs he had him 15 and then you get older and everyone's like we wish we looked as young as you yeah yeah I guess I'm pretty perky hi I sleep very terribly I was sleeping so badly up until like a year and a half ago I was fully having night terrors yeah I was on the road you have a lot of anxiety huh uh-huh yeah take something for it now I do yeah when I what do you take when I go got my engagement I got on a I tried to get on antidepressants and none of them worked I kept having side if that were like not bearable and then I got on a dry cough yeah I think it's technically a mood stabilizer yeah I'm on I'm on lamictal uh-huh yeah yeah I love that so I take that at night it works great okay and then I was taking gabapentin as needed for anxiety but it makes me feel fuzzy and they told me to take like a ton and once I was taking a lot it was like making my chest hurt in a weird way that wasn't anxiety okay um and then I stopped taking that and then I take klonopin as needed which I was very nervous about cuz I'm like this is why I've never drank or anything because I'm afraid I'll be addicted to things but I've actually been very good with the klonopin and I hardly ever taking it addicts aren't afraid to be addicted oh okay that's good news for you okay that really oh I'm gonna go home and get drunk addicts don't ya think that way you're saying yeah okay that's you might be addicted to control that's true or the internal medicine cabinet of adrenaline quarters that might be that no I love having the klonopin there um but I only use it when I like absolutely when I could tell there's like a placebo for you just having it is why you don't need it yeah and when I first started taking it I was taking it like you know three times a week or whatever yeah and maybe for a mouse yeah but I was still trying to monitor it but that was like when I was on the road I was going through horrendous breakup like yeah happening I was getting on to a mood stabilizer yeah so now I don't need as much and then I was in beta blockers hmm like what made of blockers you might like some beta blockers for people that don't want to take up as a benzodiazepine is that what thrown um what should be like comma pins xanax I mean yeah I guess okay not um it's xanax okay not percocet what's the other I didn't like XANA what's the other one Santa's are so great though you can't function I mean right you you know you turn into the grandfather from Charlie in the chocolate iLike it too much which is why I hate it but what happened you can you confident right and beta-blockers basically just stop adrenaline that's all they do so it doesn't make you tired it doesn't make you sleepy it doesn't make you less energetic it essentially just takes away your ability to produce adrenaline which i think is is like you can take it before you go on stage right you're not gonna be Leslie he was telling me about this okay it's you're not gonna be less sharp if you have to like go in for a big meeting and you're sweating like me you can go in and you're just not gonna get nervous it's worth it's worth experimenting with because yeah do it before a show you can do it before you know that's good something where you have to be sharp yeah that's helpful and also I have the moment purse with me at all times and again just knowing I have them is part of why they work yeah knowing you have a trapdoor yeah let yourself through yeah I'm sorry panicking yeah and then I got prescribed seroquel don't know it sleep at night apparently it's an anti-psychotic and I take a very small dose I take half a pill and it's prescribed for insomnia sometimes it's prescribed for other things as well I heard Maria Bamford talking about it in an interview yeah oh interesting cuz so the schizophrenia bipolar order of disorder and depression right but it was also a side effect as being yeah yeah so my psychiatrist was like you can take half one of these pills grant it it makes me feel it knocks me out so hard Wow but it makes me feel kind of low in the morning maybe not energetic yeah and like a little I could just sad news no it's hard like right now then people like they're like I'm just sad I'm like that's kind of the before and it was affecting my sex drive and like I already feel like the mood Stabler's kind of affect it I first sex drives supposed to be I don't know that's the thing it was just different than before the joke I was doing about it on stage yeah before our careers got cancelled was I people always warned me before I got on an antidepressant that my sex drive would go down and I do feel that way now that I'm on medication yeah but I can't tell if my sex drive is lower or if my self-worth is just higher I guess my sex drive is lower if I've gotten hotter that's no I can't I can't tell if I don't need the validation and yeah cuz like depression will bring you to your knees and you're like well I'm down here I'm as well make someone feel good next I've lowered my standards for who I've sex exactly exactly it's a tricky one yeah because I basically never want to have sex with anyone but it it's I think it's cuz I bought a house and I don't people in it yeah it's sort of like I think my section I've got lower cuz I don't have to tell somebody to like take their shoes off and I'm not as worried anymore being on a mood stabilizer that someone's going to leave or betray me yeah and that if they did I would never recover yeah so I don't feel like I need to give as many [ __ ] like I I cannot believe how many [ __ ] I was giving yeah people I was in relationships with now like no my friends were like you do it how much I'm like he has to stay so weird I never talk about that stuff with my girlfriends really is that do you guys talk about that stuff yeah that's so weird really hi my girlfriends we never talk about like sex stuff but you never do Sex in the City brunt yeah we do not sit and have cosmos and be like so how many blowies are you giving a week ladies what I really make um it comes out like if you go for a long road trip or something and you start to get bored yeah I can go through everyone's playlist and then you go what's everyone into oh you're [ __ ] - Sheryl Crow that's your sex list I I'm glad you gave an example before I did so I knew the tone Oh Buddha bar Budokan nine people are gonna get that reference and nine people in Miami got that I think it's because a lot of my girlfriend's now are married and I don't want it to turn sad you don't you don't do it once you love somebody in the beginning yeah yeah you deal with people you're dating oh I feel like like yeah yeah yeah yeah and then once you were like this is my partner yeah I trust them then you stop telling your girlfriend's details I heard ya know you can't gossip yep about yeah cuz that's like a respect but like the first month or yeah that you're dating you're like these are the STDs he has oh these are like this is what I'm basing my decision making on what did I finish like you're you're going over all those things finish in your 20s yeah what I here's the thing I have a bit about this in my special I grew up very religious aha so when I finally did start having sex it was like of any kind it was like this better be good because I'm going to hell now yeah so I was like it had to shake heaven and earth oh I do not I never understood my girlfriend's being like oh I've never liked I've never finished I was like you're going to hell and you've never finished like this is insane like I even worth it no I'm like I come every time when I the first time I dated somebody who did not make me [ __ ] and seemed fine with it I was like you're a sociopath Wow I could not believe it was so unattractive to me that's impressive I've been slept with that many people that's new money that's new fame that's it that's that's I mean you should not have impostor syndrome at all you've not been an impostor at all my entire 20s was pretending I had orgasms really I've never pretended I had an orgasm what never what maybe that's why I don't get more acting oh that's why all these [ __ ] are landing these sitcoms how is that possible I mean it I didn't even I didn't even know because you're trying not when you're like religious and you're trying not to have sex and then they're like trying to get in anyway they it makes like did you grow up in the kind of religious environment where it was like you're allowed to have sex in the butt no no no I I grew up in youth groups where they were like is oral sex also sex and they were like is Chinese food food yeah idea like that's the stuff they would say yeah and you'd be like okay all bats are off the table now right so maybe that's a more complicated matter for them yeah I mean they I went to youth camps and whatever would they were like you should not be kissing for longer than 30 seconds you should never have your tongue involved at all and your body should not be touching like it which is perfect for the pandemic yeah oh maybe they were right abstinence is something yeah maybe wouldn't we be in this [ __ ] mess yeah yeah so I mean I was trying really hard to like stay pure and then as soon as I was I mean I cannot imagine continuing to be intimate with somebody feeling as guilty as I did without having orgasms like this just doesn't make sense to me yeah did you go to like a Catholic school with uniforms no I was Christian grant okay so I still don't know the difference between Catholic and Christian how sad is that I think cuz I went to both I went to a Catholic school like very rubber Catholic school and then like a piss couple school which I think it's just everyone's fine as long as you believe in God you're fine right and then Christian I don't know the difference either somebody asked me that in an interview the other day be like what's the difference between this and this and Methodist and I was like I don't know man I just know that in my house the bottle is a test any dicks yo don't even touch it that's that sex if you touch one like there was no room for this isn't technically yeah like you know the minute I was sexually active in any way yeah I was like well it's word it's done that and I still waited a while to have sex because I was like well there's one thing I'm saving where do you stand with God now I don't know I hope there is one now oh my god it's and I'm look I do the higher power thing like I'm fine with saying God it doesn't upset me it doesn't I think you can still believe in science and like I'm not as anti God as most people are yeah I'm not anti religion either because I think to be anti religion is very classist quite frankly hmm for a lot of people that's a way to socialize it's a way to hang out it's a way to get child care like yeah a way to keep you know I'm Pro Scientology keep them in a building keep them all in one building so we all know where they are I'm fine with that go be friends yeah like you all get it otherwise the cults gonna be all around us yeah well you know I'm fine with them keep them in a building maroon them they've been in quarantine for years but I it's interesting how when something I don't pray really much but when something bad happens I am talking to God like when one of my dogs had sick I was like okay God it always starts with I know it's been wife right yeah are you still there I think he's like a man with a microphone and headphones I'm like I know and I apologize for how long it's been yeah cuz in my head God like keeps a like a ledger and he's been waiting for you and all he needs it apart this all accepting God's needs me to over with an apology right and it's always like I'm sorry it's been so long right things been crazy I do like the idea of God with his feet up on a desk eating a sandwich and reading a paper and then he hears your voice comes and you're like he's like oh [ __ ] oh yeah Whitney what's up I'm sorry I didn't think you were I didn't think you're gonna do this again I gotta wrote you off a while ago sorry my mouthful also I love that in my hands he can hear me but didn't know I was busy right I've been really busy things have been crazy I've been slam you know me you know me you know I am you made me like you of all people know this like I've sort of like cherry-pick yeah what he knows and doesn't know and then I and then I start bartering I'm like you can have my car yeah you can take my house like as if he wants me to like hit as venmo yeah so that my dog stays alive and I start telling God all the things I'll give him to not let my dog die yep yeah I've started doing that too where I'm like I will say more commonly I will I will pray for what I want and then when it doesn't look like I'm gonna get okay okay all right okay yeah meet you halfway I see where this is going I'm not an idiot fair let me get ahead of this yeah so okay so it's it's not gonna work out fire me I quit yeah okay so he's so he's not he's not going to love me the way I deserve okay okay you're trying to make me stronger I see what you're doing is you're doing I see what you're doing I would just ask that you um speed it up so this this last less time this suffering you're giving me a new closer I said this is a test I see what's going on okay thank you thank you thank you God but if you could just refund my money yeah it's just so weird I how many times I have prayed I pray in the last year I said if there is something better that you are trying to the goal the rejection is God looking for my go if that's what's going on here could we speed that up the good thing that's coming I'm with you I'm all-in I just needed to have been faster yes that's all I just can't be here that long I'm surrendering to God's will as long as it's on my turn yes 40 years I can't do it maybe eight maybe eight years no that's our attention span I'm a millennial I'm a younger we watched MTV Cribs like where our attention span is just quicker I can't take this I'm dying yeah I'm excited I'm gonna die at 34 yeah so I know that you make those decisions but this one I feel like is up to me look it's all in your hands and you know what's best and everything to your plan pitch I just have a pet but if I could just what seem what I think what seems like a good idea to me yeah is that I know you have the best ideas but you also made me therefore I probably have some good ideas too cuz I'm in your image so let me pitch something back to you that makes more sense it just feels like coming to like your abusive boss total he's gonna give you a job or delay at the newspaper when your internship is over I have to let you go at some point I was gonna ask you if you knew what a hypo color shirt is hypo colored hyper color is that the one that's all scrunchie and it gets really small the shoulder and it looked like it was made of a thousand nipples made out of a used tissue it was so bad it was like a tiny shirt that would look like it would going a doll and then you put it on and it stretches out yeah it looks like you balled up a piece of paper and threw it yeah this is a shirt that was in the 90s that was if you sweat through it it would change colors you know it was Carson night for everyone that you know that has cancer got it from those jobs is the first time I found out how my mom died it was like Taco Bell or something but a lot of closure from this vodka how would you describe your style I mean when a stylist isn't my best [Laughter] best I can to I think put together what unassuming yeah yeah I think I'm afraid to look - I like simple and hopefully if you feel like you need to cover yourself yes I'm always hydrogen I've always thought that about you that I'm always covering well because I used to do that a lot - and I still do I still do yeah but it may be just cuz when I see you I feel like you it's not like armor but it's like this is okay yeah agree no it is like it is and I see it because that's I'm like that too but it's like I'll see you and you're like your leather jacket and like that's your comfort zone yeah like it's like a little bit of a second skin yeah if I were a hoodie onstage I'm like ooh look at us I can I will not show my arms on stage nope never can't do ever done it can't do it wouldn't why would you I would you what world thank you bizarre I know I could never do it but I also just like the consistency of the same thing I know I'm know I mean I said I tried to wear corduroys onstage recently that were like kind of bell-bottom and cute split him really bent over split him I was like this is why I were the same thing on stage every single night I know it's not gonna rip I know how I'm gonna be able to move I know what I can do with my hand why mix it up yeah there's something to that'd be great who know you know that episode of the office where Jim is putting quarters in Dwight's phone so that it'll just build up the weight and it'll take them all out and then it'll hit him in the face that's what I feel if I like just stopped wearing a jacket on the day that I would gesture too freely and just like boomerang back and hit myself in the face because I'm like oh I'm not used to no weight on my arms really funny when's your birthday November 4th I don't know anything about that [ __ ] I'm Scorpio now we're just hanging out what are you do you know what you are Timber forth do you know what that is a Virgo okay which ones that I think that's good I think I say that's people like oh you're so chipper virgo is like calling someone a [ __ ] at this point lazy kind of go scorpio really yeah everyone's like you are like people who know your RPO basically it's like saying you're a vindictive [ __ ] oh is that what scorpions do yeah Scorpios are supposed to be like very like into vengeance and sexual manipulation okay which I'm like yes well Christian vixen over here and I definitely am petty is that weird I definitely hate you I know it's just funny because like whatever somebody wants to accuse me of being like too much of a Virgo and I'm like why and they start listening and they're like because you're always so busy and you're never around and you're never available I'm like oh I just want to hang out with you yeah this isn't a verb no I make time this is you thing yeah I think virgos and Scorpios are pretty compatible though I think we're similarly intense yes I only know that because somebody asks Sam and I on IG live and he's a Virgo Oh when's his birthday I think it's August it's late I don't wanna say the wrong one best yeah very anal-retentive I guess well it's cuz it's also I mean I have a whole theory about this about it's not about the month you're born it's about essentially the other holidays that existed and the same month you were born and what other things you had to compete with oh so Sam and myself your boyfriend and I we both had our birthday basically around the first day of school that we had to be academic on our birthdays like my birthday was September 4th I was in my first day of school when it was my birthday I was working on my birthday that set the stage for the type of person I was gonna be okay Oh simple like and then Leo's that are August you know late July August are in the summer they get to have their birthday party on vacation they're outgoing you know they got to have birthday parties and be the center of attention so they got used to it you know I was competing with Halloween and Thanksgiving didn't have a chance didn't have it you had to become funny you had to become intense yeah he had to be vindictive and manipulative in order to get someone to pay attention to you oh my god you're right and then January might they're about January capricorns just like they're also very academic very serious work really hard they had birthdays but no one had any money left after Christmas and New Year's and no one had time to celebrate their birthdays in January that's when we're back to work you need to write another book I very the moon and the stars according to it I feel like that's why I like in your most impressionable time what you had to compete with on your birthday is what forms your psyche how have you not written a book called Whitney come into my office I mean that to me is my favorite advice I've heard in a while just pretend to believe in yourself yeah because it's also like that's my thing about any people that have low self-esteem especially actors and comedians and like I'm so insecure I'm like pretend you're not yeah nobody thinks you are act like you're not yeah do you mean and then let you're also pretending you're faithful to your wife and we're buying it it's true pretend you believe in yourself and I like the people who fall in love with you slowly find out that you or a crippled mess of anxiety you're pretending you can afford that car why can't you pretend to like yourself for five minute oh my god that's so true that's such a bummer how many male comedians cheat on their partners I mean look it's such a bummer to me it seems like it's waning a little bit I mean when I started it was yeah I mean it was flagrant when I started stand-up well now anyone you sleep with on the road could reach out to be or I'm a correspondent yeah Entertainment Tonight absolutely you'll get a book deal and that can find your wife on social media that's right and met like yeah you're gonna get caught it's it is it does a little bit feel like those days the jig is kind of up on cheating in general yeah oh I don't know I mean it is insane to me that people still cheat because I'm like you will get caught it's exhausting it's it sounds so exhausting yeah but I also I also understand I guess why mm-hmm particularly male comics cheat or like any male performers yeah because they're not worried about safety yeah on the road and they're getting so much thrown at them yeah because yeah if it's that easy you're gonna come by it's so easy to cheat now easier than ever but it's easier to get caught exactly but let me ask you a question because I always think about guys that cheat or people I know I'm almost like the life must know I'm Matt yeah I'm always like so I mean you were cheated on I've been cheated on did you know yeah I did and the and he lied to me about it for years gasps let you or did you lie to yourself um no I think I knew and like you knew in your heart of hearts yeah I just knew my gut oh yeah when he'd lie about other stuff he'd lie about like small things the way you do anything's the way you do everything no one lies about I'm five minutes away when they're 20 minutes away and doesn't lie about other [ __ ] yeah exactly that's exactly what it was and we were on and off for like years me and that guy and he yeah he just always told me that I I was like that he would never and he didn't and all this stuff and like it got to a point where I felt so crazy and so bad I spent like years like apologizing to him I mean I have jokes I have jokes in my special saying that guy never cheated on me I just thought he woke Sabine crazy in my special that just came out I hope that guy reached out to me the week before I filmed my special to bury the hatchet and let me apologize over and over and there were things they did that were not cool damn where I would break up and get back together with all but that's I mean it's not you don't but a lot of it was like I don't trust you and you're you keep lying to me about stuff and I just know something going and like whatever it's there's other things involved too and I'm not like that's about people crazy people make you feel like you're crazy right yeah and like he has his own stuff and it's fine but he you know what what made me so angry is that he reached out before my special and I even told him I was like just you know like I'm really sorry I do jokes about you in the special and I say like you never cheated on me and like all the stuff and he's like it's totally fine wandering to the bridge whatever like a month or two afterward finally admitted to cheating on me and I was like what like are you character you were broken up no I he he and I had been broken up for a long - when okay yeah yeah it wasn't it wasn't my fiance it was a different guy that I had dated on and off for like the first four years of my 20s yeah yeah so this is what your 20s is for this stuff but that guy is kind of why I mean not totally but like a little bit of why I got engaged because after that guy the last breakup would that yeah I went out with my ex-fiance like days after yeah and what I was like I was like I am the next person I'm like I'm getting over this guy and then who right date next is just I'm not putting up with a [ __ ] anymore and it's gonna be the guy and I think I just kind of like ignored some red flag course and you know maybe just was like this is gonna be the thing and and I thought these are the things I need and it's the opposite of dating a comedian and blah blah blah and and also when those red flags went off in my head I didn't trust my own gut NIEM yeah oh gosh been there yeah so like I and I still felt that way after I broke up with my fiance which is when my other ex admitted to cheating on me years ago it made me go oh my god I was right to call off my wedding too because I've been here before yeah but I had been in that like post called off engagement state going am I just insane like am I just crazy because I I felt this way with that last guy and I think I might just be imagining it with people now cuz they keep insisting they're not doing anything even though they're lying to me and I can see that they're not but is it just me and I also think that people like us like comedians who have a relentless loyalty to the truth at all costs like we're not afraid of the ugly truth like we that's you know we love it yeah I think it's it's so funny because I grew up around like pathological lying like I've been and not a lot of those relationships people lied to me when someone it never occurs to me that someone's lying lately I just it's seriously like I cuz I just don't know why anyone would like it's just to me like such a waste of time and energy so I agree but I think everyone's lying and also I have lied I've done my fair share of lying and I hate the way I feel when I do it's such an intolerable feeling of shame and it's exhausting which just you know what any sensitive person would feel after lying anyone who's not a sociopath that I just like I can't imagine someone would want to carry around a secret carrying around his secrets a full-time job so I just assume everyone's telling the truth all the time cuz I'm like why wouldn't it just seems it's so 90s I assume that everyone is lying all the time and it almost takes somebody admitting something horrible to me for me to go oh they're oh they must be telling the truth yeah at that yeah but I always I always say that to be I'm like however if you mess up just tell me yeah because it you'll get more points with me yeah I'll go wow that was really hard that you admitted but it also then it gets and then it gets tricky cuz someone's like hey I cheated on you and you're like thanks for telling me it's like I know but you it'll be bad but we can work through that we're a little bit in a time where if you do something bad and apologize it's almost you get more points that if you have never done it in the first place yeah like that's the new thing is like but wait you think you can get over cheating you can work through cheating I think that if somebody it would depend on the obviously they're sorry I think there are certain I think there are certain circumstances like if you sleep with my best friend no but if you like if we've been together we've been podcasting for three hours my dog my dog is obsessive Taylor you guy said I cannot get him off of her you get over being cheated on Frank he said you never never never when he does when people get feel stressed out or have any kind of anxiety or he starts to you know get on them here's I think if I had been with someone for a long time and they messed up and they came to me immediately and we're like this is what happened and they felt really bad then I could maybe work through it because I would because it would prove to me save you some time no I wouldn't auntie Whitney coming in hot look maybe you're a better person than me or maybe you're the generation I mean I know people in their 20s that are fully in open relationships and right I I would never I'm like that's new that's a new thing Frank come here sir my leg hurts so bad buddy I love you I don't know what that is I know people your age that say the same thing you're saying to me right now cannot fathom it maybe it's an age thing I am so black and white about that [ __ ] because I I believe that in order to cheat it takes time to cheat it's not you don't just go to a bar see someone and your dick falls in it like it's it's--there's texting there's flirting there right you know what I mean like we all know what it's how long it takes to sleep with someone or to have someone sleep with us there's no true there's no such thing as a one-night slip because it always takes some kind of build up in an investment of time and energy and you had a lot of times to change your mind yes we've got like a hooker which is a whole other thing and that's probably an adrenaline addiction or something you don't think that's more okay this is gonna be a polarizing take get right now three hours in because if if this poor kid of me in relationship with someone who's a sex addict that's a legitimate real yeah addiction and you're in relation with sex I mean I know people that are in relationships with sex addicts that it's like that's cheating of course but that's almost like slipping on drugs and alcohol not easier it's much easier to have someone slip on drugs and alcohol but that is usually not like a choice and a neurological thing and the genetic thing so it's slightly different than someone that doesn't have an addictive personality choosing to go cheat on you and spending a lot of time and energy in it I understand that so bad still bad here's what I will say if there's money involved it's not here's the thing as somebody who's been in that situation yeah uh I was not I can I can wrap my head around why someone did something once someone tells me I'm like like that guy admitting it to me you're so nice I'd them admitting it I was I was angry about being lied to for years yeah that was what I was mad about the cover-ups worse than the crime the fact yeah the fact that I could I could wrap my head around why he did what he did I was like totally I know you really well I know why that happened I know the circumstances but I just don't hell are we together I mean I got oh like on and off by the time he'd misstep I don't even know it was I just here's what I'll say you're what 23 at the time Lucille's cheating on a 20-year old that looks like you is a mentally ill person that's an ill but they're also young had you had you turned hot yet have you turned yet no okay it's just I was just cute I just mean like that is to me that's an ego thing that's someone who just doesn't have self-control cos to me cheating forget the sexual part and having to imagine how horrific that is it's also just like like you're not in control of yourself and that's not sexy yeah self control and restraint is hot to me yeah I think people but I think everyone cheats on I think everyone cheats on hot people I think you ought to say everyone cheats on everyone no no no I think I think people cheat of not because they're like oh I want to have sex with that product I think they cheat because they feel it's an its new he doesn't matter but I just mean like they're bored or they feel inferior and their relationship or their mentally ill how would someone have gotten bored of you I mean how long were you together I mean it was we hadn't been together that long and we were young yeah and I don't know we were together so many times that I don't know how many times it happened yeah their thing yeah so and at that point you've lied to me for so many years I'm like you could be downplaying how much you cheated on Annie could be lying to yourself you might not even I mean I've I've been with someone that cheated and I'm like I in when he would lie to me about I'm like I think you believe what you're saying absolutely that's what the craziest part of this is is you don't know you're lying yeah I I think the indiscretions that you can even conjure up right now like are half of the story yes or they tell themselves that they're protecting you by not they go what what good would it do for me to tell you that would just cause you pain it would ruin our relationship like I don't know how many you ruin it yeah yeah no it's gonna know that you've made that decision and those people don't realize like yeah I'm gonna I was doing a joke about that in my new hour to when I was touring I was like like if you did something just tell me because I'm gonna know you did something well and I'm gonna create something in my head that will be so much worse yeah yeah yeah yeah it's interesting because to me as soon as I am like let me see your fault it's over you know yeah as soon as I'm feeling any of that as soon as any of these conversations are happening I'm like it's over yeah questioning any of it and my whole thing the cheating is like if you want to cheat don't blame you just tell me and let's break up mm-hmm and let's make it a breakup where you dated someone else yeah sort of like let's make your cheating not cheating yeah like if you find yourself being attracted to someone else and you like just tell me I halt me on the way over I'm a big girl I can handle it yep I don't blame someone but just tell me and then we can maybe get back together if it works out later we'll go date other people for a while and if it you have to be it's meant to be cuz there's a thing them telling you either that I'm attracted to somebody else I'm gonna go see where this goes we're all attracted to somebody else right it's all everyone's attracted to somebody else the game isn't are you attracted to someone else it's how do we go through life resisting [ __ ] everyone yes that's what we're both signing up to do yeah we're the best no I'm giving up people - yes you're not the only person giving stuff up yep we're both we're both passing on a lot of people and choosing each other every day and by the way not just having sex with other people having rich full life with other human beings it's not like I don't catch a [ __ ] anymore yeah I could have been an investor's wife I'm missing out on fulfillment yeah I'm it head-on traveling those are different live eautiful countries yes I'm giving you my life yep yep and that maybe not better but just different there are lots of people I could have been happy with yeah so you have to make sure you really like hanging out with that person so for me the cheating thing is like if you tell me that you cheated on me I take that as you respect me enough to be honest with me what I can't forgive is you thought I was stupid you weren't trying to like keep me safe for protect our relationship or like I was just so afraid to lose you no you were afraid that you're gonna you were on that yeah you were afraid that you I was gonna be mad at you and you were gonna have to deal with consequences yeah of your actions so I think that's the difference to me is like either way you did a terrible thing in one situation you take responsibility for it and you show me respect by saying I'm gonna tell you and be upfront with you yeah and then another situation I would let me I know here's where I would I would say if someone is I'm happy to be wrong here if like the mentality of like you're respecting me by telling me you don't respect me if we're in this situation at all Oh interesting you if you respect to me we wouldn't be having this conversation but I think sometimes people cheat they don't feel good enough for their partner then you're not good enough then you're not because you're not yeah you're not good enough for me yeah we I agree yeah we agree on you just proved it yeah yeah you're not good enough and like that's okay I took me a long time to stop confusing love and pity mmm like I don't if I pity you that's not the same thing feeling sorry for you get out of there yeah it's like Oh your feelings of inferiority like okay I want someone who is wildly better than me yes I do not som want someone that is worse right you know any like oh I'm at it it's know that it's incest I'm your mom but yeah I do think it's like I'm so zero tolerance about that I I mean I had to let it get so bad mmm you know I mean the stuff I've seen in phones folks brutal I've never gone through anybody's phone the most I've ever done is go show me your text with this person in one of me I'm gonna go through your phone didn't go great he kept me he's super still I heal emojis no no just like making plans with somebody he said he didn't make plans with summer and you're like it's over like yeah say like even if you didn't cheat on me you lied about it so you are going to over like what are you and it's it's taking me okay my dogs farting is getting out of control no I do think and look maybe this is the wrong advice and people are in quarantine and they can't leave as soon as you're saying where have you been what was that like it's over right I've met you I don't think you can come back from it yeah yeah I just don't think you can yeah I agree you know although you know being touring comedians there's always gonna be some days that you're like hey where are you why didn't I hear from you for 20 minutes and it's like okay we're both in you know shitty cities and yeah you're being a little weird yeah like what sometimes it is just you're also a little weird riff isn't he in what way like I'm so I've only met your boyfriend once I was so endeared by him weird that he's so nice oh he's just like he's very nice he's very engaged like I I was weird like I I at first I thought he didn't like me and then I was like hi we've never met before and he was and then he was so nice and only he's so nice he's like so nice it's kind of does that ever make you insecure about how I see all I've ever wanted was the guy who's nice and then you date someone who's nice and it's like well are you this nice to everyone they probably thing you're flirting oh I'll be too nice I don't feel that way I do this with this is not a Sam thing this is a me with everyone thing yeah when I start dating people anything nice they do I'm like this is your move this is how you do it I just go like what did you do just tell me really flowers out of nowhere what did you do let me see your phone oh wow you're worse than me see I don't think they did anything yet I'm just like all right this is how you operate is your bed this is what you've done for everyone great and then they have to then convince me and then sometimes it is so bitter like Richard Pryor DVD but this is what you do for every girl you date like no you're comedian I thought you liked it I know the [ __ ] up thing though is sometimes it is their move like sometimes that's what they do by the way what do we not want them to have dated anyone right it's like oh and you've never done anything that you've done for this person I'm like yeah but you also have done some you've yes you've done some reason your spot yeah you have your Jersey they bring out to show you're a cool girl it's like and maybe this is just bird's-eye view from being like older like you want a guy who's dated a lot of people not been cheated or womanized or been abusive earning that you want someone because it's other women have done some work for you hmm you know ii mean consider them your teammates I consider X as my teammates hello like thank you for whatever training you did yeah thank you now we're passing the baton I'm inheriting you know it's like getting a dog for like adopting a dog from another family it's like you taught about it so you're talking about a dude like thank you no there's still more work to do but I like to see X's as like sisterhood but what if they would have they abused your dog and you're like now I can't shut the door - without freaked out keeps biting me yeah now every time I shut the door they think I'm leaving that's on you it barks at all women yeah peed on my leg I think it depends I mean there's definitely times when you're like having sex with a guy in the beginning and you're like okay I just learned a lot about your ex right right what she's into but don't have that thing we're not doing that here uh-huh or it's like I just I know everything about her um now we're gonna start from scratch she trained you very well yeah well and was like almost too communicative about this right um but I do I think that we don't want to be with people that have no relationship experience true such a careful balance and then I used I used to feel the same way that you did about feeling insecure like oh if they find anyone else attractive yeah then they're gonna go to them and ya know we're all attracted to other people and it's fine that's healthy it's noise all being normal took me a long time especially the religious roots I mean my parents are like Mike Pence level we don't have lunch with the opposite sex alone like they are you want people to go to all these women are hot and I choose you exact thats what you want exactly you want someone that's dated a lot of people so by the time they get to you they can actually appreciate you mm-hmm you know if you're the only person someone's ever been with great mm-hmm like you're the like best of one right exactly that's 250 yeah I want to go oh you could have all these women in your choosing me or you have dated all these people now you appreciate what I bring to the table cuz you have something to compare me to right exactly that's the healthy way to look at it mm-hmm right yeah my therapist would say don't say that don't say healthy say helpful oh really why is that I can't say that's not healthy oh you say that's not how is it's a judgment on yourself that's not healthy just say like oh kind of helpful oh I know so much oh so much there's so much to talk to yourself gently she gets really into the words we use and makes me substitute words with judgments on them and and the things that sort of so slowly chip at our soul mmm remember one time because I think self-deprecation is something we could go to a lot anyway I remember time I was talking to her and I was like I'm starting to stutter which means you know we have to wrap this up I have like carpal tunnel of the tongue and I was talking to her and I was like oh you know whatever I hate myself I'm so stupid I can't believe I did that and she was like what is that and I was like what do you mean she's like what is that thing where you call yourself stupid and you hate yourself knows oh no it's like I'm a comedian like that's how I punctuate my sentence no it's that was a period it's the constant refrain yeah of my life and I was ago no I just say like I hate myself like it's like it's funny and she was like it's not that funny your shoes just like I'm not laughing like really uncomfortable when you do it and you're like well it's worked for a lot of audiences just sold out in Pensacola yeah so what do you know about the comedy business but it was funny because it made me realize like oh I think I thought it made people like me more when I degrade myself yeah if I make myself smaller they don't think I'm like full of myself and it doesn't like I found what other people do it I'm just like oh no yeah now do I have to ask if you're okay yeah okay what a delight you are I love talking to you you are oh my god I'm just fun are we friends now I feel like we're best like we're really good you're my best friend never letting you leave my bucket or break my legs like misery there is no cell service at Whitney's house by the way for everyone listening and zero and there's you know the password right I want you to connect yep no it's gonna be like what was the movie see your references misery what's the one boxing Hellena this was a movie that famously Kim Basinger which was attached to and she pulled out at like the last minute and they sued her it's like a whole SOG I read about an Alec Baldwin's book and that was just fascinating to me because I like sometimes you get attached to projects and you're like I wonder what happened if I quit like what are they gonna sue me like they can well you're signing a contract that says you have to do this job right and it was a I can't believe I loved playing the game of like can you believe that moving I made this was a movie about a guy that was so in love with his some woman and he was a surgeon and he cut off her arms and legs and kept her in a box oh my god quarantine viewing why the [ __ ] would you tell me that I'm just telling you someone was like this was their dream project they wrote the script they went out and pitched it like that person should be put down you know how long it takes to get a movie made like when I'm like why was the the thing you wanted to spend three years on that was your vision boxing Helene a 1993 mystery thriller with horror elements directed by Jennifer Lynch starring sherilyn fenn with horror elements sleek back this was just a romantic comedy Oh squirty says he loves me starring sherilyn fenn Julian Sands and Bill Paxton some of these people are dead the plot follows a surgeon who's growing obsession with a woman leads him to amputate her limbs and hold her captive in his home after she suffers a car accident Oh gained notoriety before its release after protracted legal battles with Madonna and Kim Basinger both of whom backed out once they read the script debuted at Sundance Film Festival received critical praise what after receiving an nc-17 rating yet no [ __ ] watching a guy [ __ ] abdomen is that movie banned if I almost give it an R rating on appeal release the United States in September 1993 but then received critical backlash it was a financial failure I think this is what we're watching tonight Oh Mike I have one more question before we wrap oh my god geez sorry you don't have to I mean I mean I mean we why not my question for you is have you been the type of person that during this time has wanted to watch things like outbreak and contagion no okay all right no no really left me alone on those zero zero mm-hmm this is where our friendship ends I know this is that was so that's pretty confident you're gonna make it maybe if I haven't said this the entire podcast and I think I need someone needs to write me a check when I was your age I finally said it I I think I would have but I have gotten it so hammered my therapist doesn't let me she basically is like you cannot watch that [ __ ] the way your brain works you just can't see I haven't seen Chernobyl I can't watch it like that it [ __ ] me up for weeks Chernobyl did [ __ ] me up but that's just cuz it made me think about death I always think about death though really Oh cuz you oh all the time every day interests yes oh I every day I'm think about death if things are going well I'm like how do you think you're gonna die I think I'm gonna get sick like do you think we all know how we're gonna die no gone to our heads no I don't think any of us know yeah gun to your head how are you gonna die here I get shot in the head here's my thing anxiety wise I try to worry about everything huh so that it won't happen because I feel like what you worry about sense of control yeah almost never happens at least not exactly that way kind of person and here's what I'll say I think there's a war on worrying there's a war on anxiety and I'm always a person thing that's like anxiety does serve a purpose it protects you the most anxious people in the tribes are the ones that really is that a lion is that a lion and they got out of there and they survived right Aaron Oya served a very important purpose in our reptilian brains and in tribal times now it's just some of us have a little too much of it just directed at the wrong things right you know we were worried about getting wrinkles when we should have worried about a virus yes I was worrying about the wrong things this what I'm saying though I when I worry about everything whatever I don't worry about is what ends up happening I had worried about literally everything else I was like the big ones gonna hit you know a family member of Mines gonna die I'm gonna die I'm gonna get in a car accident like I thought of all these things that could happen around my good news which was that I had a special coming out yeah and none of those things happened the one thing that happened was a pandemic that threatened not only the business as a whole but our entire world and I think I didn't think of it because I didn't watch contagion because to me I was like that will make me spire I'm not gonna watch it that'll make me spiral that's never gonna happen and now I'm like I should watch it so that I can prepare or something it's like something where I can prepare yes like I don't know and like they don't find a vaccine at the end of contagion I looked it up yes took him an hour 40 minutes hour 40 right Americas comfort I literally got to where I was like can the person that wrote contagion get involved in this yeah they can the Hollywood screenwriters that have been spending years researching pandemics they probably know more than a lot of people the administration right now they actually know a lot can the guy from house yeah it was like the consultant yeah for house get in here yes stop him in do don't you feel like Tom Hanks is gonna be fine right yes so don't you feel like that makes people go it's okay Tom Hanks had it and he's fine and in the same way watching a movie about the same thing where at the end everything works out you're like okay everything's gonna be fine I feel like the moment I thought we were saying the dog is it dollar really on one he's on steroids so things are really hitting the fan um I think that when I heard Tom Hanks got it that's when I was like we're all gonna die really got to dummy yeah oh I know this doesn't care about it went for our leader they went for the guy yeah for America's Sweetheart yeah and this is something that does not discriminate I think if Tom Hanks had died the entire world would be on lockdown Oh we'd be we would have just I mean I would have jumped off a balcony it would have been voluntary just messed aside everybody would have taken would be taking this so seriously yeah but a lot of people are probably like Tom Hanks I know they're like why would I cancel spring break yeah it's it's interesting to see who because a couple other celebrities have it I mean it's yeah it's the thing with like football no one's gonna care about concussions until like Tom Brady likes his neck no one's gonna give a [ __ ] you know what I mean it's like all that stuff what a delight Celaya you're gonna like this is how long did we go almost three hours really three more than three hours oh my god amazing it is 9:00 p.m. it's nine o'clock at night you oh my god here four hours ago makes me so happy I don't have cell service my boyfriend thinks I'm dead just tell me you're cheating on this honestly this will probably be good for our relationship is that I'm always mad at him for not being worried enough that I'm dead I met it all my boyfriend it stills it's it's not too late yeah yeah Mike were you afraid you know Whitney I know you I need the Wi-Fi password yeah except or just ask for it and oh how do I ask well like go to the Wi-Fi network let me have it you guys want to hear us get Taylor on Wi-Fi I mean people are boarded this is what quarantine content is first orders [ __ ] post mates on his podcast so we're allowed to do this um okay I'll get you on okay um Taylor listen to her podcast she's on it now mm-hmm self helpless self helpless and special on Netflix yes quarter life crisis you think she's halfway through her life yeah I thought I was I thought I was now I think I'm 80% done this is the last podcast she'll ever do before she passes on you know what to do I don't know all the stuff Benton says normally subscribe all that you noted you're an adult you know you know how this works if you haven't done it by now you're not gonna do it don't write elephants if you can donate to servers and service people that have lost their jobs please do any amount counts Yashar Ali is my friend who started I should have been prepared with this sorry started a great thing to raise money i tweeted about it just go to my twitter if you guys can give to that just a little reminder i gave to that as well and now i'm just rambling i love you guys say strong say strong I'm really tired text me three - three - nope eight one eight two three nine seven 57 I'm gonna stop talking I always have been Lee's and these very awkwardly I [Music] [Applause]

Channel: Whitney Cummings

Views: 544,046

Rating: 4.8873 out of 5

Keywords: whitney cummings, comedian, standup, female comic, female podcast, good for you podcast, podcast, stand up, taylor tomlinson, taylor, tomlinson

Id: 7PobyUyYyRo

Length: 161min 42sec (9702 seconds)

Published: Thu Apr 02 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/kraang717]

Godawful