- Hello and welcome to another edition of Buzzfeed Unsolved Postmortem, a show where we answer your
most pressing questions about the most recent
episode of Buzzfeed Unsolved, which was the Eight Day Bride. All the questions we're answering today came from you guys via our
Buzzfeed Unsolved Facebook page and our Buzzfeed Unsolved Instagram page. And today we're also gonna answer some questions from the YouTube
video on our new network, which you can see the link to right here, the Buzzfeed Unsolved Network. - What's the special occasion? - I just decided to be cool and start answering
questions from YouTube. - Oh, okay. - Arbitrary decision that I just made. - All right, let's get to these questions. - Yeah, let's get to some questions. You know, what don't we
start off at YouTube? "For Shane and Ryan, would you rather "never sigh again or never wheeze again?" - That's a good Q. - It's a good Q, right? - You know, I think the wheeze is more of a byproduct of laughter, you know? Sometimes you have a full bodied laugh, a nice robust, like, ha ha ha ha ha. - No one laughs like a sailor.
- No wheezes there. - I don't laugh like that, you
don't laugh like that either. I think you wish you laughed like that. - What's my real laugh like? Is it more rat-like? Is it sorta like, heh heh heh heh heh? - No, you don't do that either. Try your best to give, like let's - Like a real laugh? - Let's say, like, I just told a bad joke, and you're giving me a pity laugh but you need it to come off as genuine. - Oh, okay. - Okay, so I'll just say (mumbles) - At least give me a fake punchline. - What did Mark Twain name his son? - I dunno. - Choo Choo Twain. - That's actually funny. - It's pretty good, right? Man, I just can't help it sometimes. I'm too funny, you know? - Choo Choo Twain. Who would name their son Choo Choo? - Mark, Mark would, Marky Boy. - That's not fake, that's real. And it was all wheeze,
that was a lotta wheezing. - There you go. I guess he would rather never sigh. Sighing is, like, never associated with good feelings, right? - Yeah, but I like to sigh. Sighing really relieves a lot of - Sighing is so passive aggressive to me. Like it's like, letting someone
know you're angry without Is there a problem? - No. - And then you're like, no. - No. - Yeah, why don't we go to Facebook? This is from Lexi Bernard,
it's a little bit long. "I am not convinced the
apparent suicide letters "were written by Christina,
to this day handwriting "analysis is not a strong
enough single evidence "to hold in trial, because
of its shortcomings. "Graphology in 1945 is also
nothing like it is today. "It has also been proved that using drugs "can greatly impact someone's writing, "so the fact that they didn't find "any anomalies in her last note leads me "to believe it was not written by her. "Ryan, can you speak
a little more to this? "What are your feelings
on handwriting analysis "and graphology in investigations? "Maybe even the JonBenet case. "Shane, I don't trust your opinion." That's good.
- That's fair. - That's actually something
I wondered as well. Because obviously it wasn't enough to, you know, make her guilty. They had these letters obviously in trial. Because I think it's
pretty clearly laid out in the letters what her intentions were, but the fact that she wasn't then indicted means that that wasn't enough. Handwriting has always been
a shaky proposition for me, just because, I don't wanna undermine the profession of a bunch
of people out there, but I don't understand how handwriting analysis can be considered concrete. Because someone could, you know, do some wacky things, right? - Yeah, that's true. - I'm not educated enough
in it to know that, but it's shaky to me. - It's probably harder
to analyze handwriting if it's someone distinctly trying to imitate someone else or
trying to not be caught. It's more for like, oh, yes, this is a person writing in
their natural handwriting, let's see if this matches
with something else. - Well in a case like this, I mean, it is important because, you remove those letters from this crime scene, it instantly makes Ronald and Jack look way more suspicious, in my mind. And since this looks like something that could have been
a premeditated murder, obviously he would've taken the time to study her handwriting,
write the letters himself, and that's why he then saved those letters from the burning building,
which was already a weird thing to do, in my opinion, for him to be thinking that far ahead. So, I dunno, I mean I
definitely think it's weird that the letters were so, I guess, readily accepted that
they were from Christina. I'm not even sure if they were. I agree with you, I'm not even
sure she actually wrote them. - Here's from Gram Town, Anaxprsc, okay. "Postmortem, how the fuck did she "drown in nine inches of water? "It's pretty hard to drown oneself, "but in nine inches of water? "I think that'd be pretty much impossible. "Normally your survival instinct kicks in "and you try to get to the surface. "Except if she was unconscious
or hyperventilating maybe. "IDK, hashtag shaniac, "love you too Ryan,
hashtag guitarabergara." If you're passed out, and you pass out in nine inches of water, you can drown, right? - You definitely, you'd have
to be pretty inebriated, right? Like if she was really
whacked out from the codeine, maybe that wouldn't be
enough to wake her up. People drown all the time
because they're too drunk. The depth of the water
doesn't really come into play. - I think you can drown in, like, two inches of water or something. - It's weird because, obviously, all you have to do is roll over, but if you're so fucked up
you're just blacked out. Yeah, I think it's enough. And I think if you were out of it enough, you could drown in nine inches of water. Suspicious, yes. - Unheard of? No.
- No, yeah. I don't think it's completely implausible. - It's like those people who fall asleep with cigarettes in their mouth and then they set on fire, it's like, what do you, like, oh no, I'm on fire, my shirt's on fire, better put that out. Let's go back to YouTube. - Yeah, I'll go to YouTube here. This comes from Collette Hinz. "Just a thought, could the cops have "called Ronald's statement fantastic "in the sense of the
word meaning fantasy?" - That actually probably makes sense. - That probably makes way
more sense than what we were thinking in the episode.
- Fantastic. Oh, perfect. - Fantastical explanation. - Fantastic as in, this
guy's a loony toon. - Yeah, that makes so much more sense. I was imagining them getting
autographs in the room. - Yeah. This just needs some, a forward. A lot of the Instagram posts will be like, hey, does anyone have
questions for the postmortem? Anyway, here's one from
hdad_cryptid, he says, "Ya I got one: what the fuck." - Agreed. Agreed. - Is that just about
the episode in general? - I mean, here's the thing. This got cut out of the episode, but we had complained that the jury seemed to kinda just see all the details of the case and go, eh, fuckin' weird man. - That's a weird one. - I dunno. When's lunch? And we chastised them a little bit, 'cause we were like,
what's up with this jury? It's your job as, you
know, people of the court, in that moment, to make a judgment call, and you just threw your hands up, palms up to the ceiling and went, I dunno. But we did the exact
same thing at the end, because when you put
all the pieces together, the pieces, this jigsaw puzzle
doesn't fit, it's wacky. I don't know why I said that like that. - Yeah, what are you
trying to, it's wacky! - I don't know why I said
that like Chris Walken. - It's wacky!
- It's wacky! Impossible, doesn't fit! Wacky! Wow, stranded in the courtroom! Jeena Wilder, for Postmortem. "You don't think," I can't speak today. "You don't think Ronald did it himself? "What's to say he didn't? "Maybe he felt threatened by Christina. "She probably made it easy for him "to cover it up by all the suicide notes. "Jack probably figured it out afterwards "and didn't want to turn his lover in." Ronald seems like someone
who could've done it. If it is one person, it's either
him, Ronald, or Christina. Ronald just because he was
conscious the entire time. Christina, obviously,
because of the letters. But Ronald seems like maybe someone that could've planned this all. He also did have different accounts of the story, his story changed. - Yeah, that's no good. - But that's just
according to the newspaper. One newspaper said that
he changed his story. I couldn't find any other - That's weird that he
didn't follow up on that. Ask the newspaper, hey,
why'd you write that? - Sometimes you need to sell those papers. - Well, I mean, not if you're a good journalist, you wouldn't do that. - Well, I mean, not
everyone's a good journalist. - Try, try harder. - Yeah, I think it's possible that he could've done this all himself. He could've planned everything, and Jack could've just been, you know, a passenger along for the ride on a crazy little trip that
he didn't know he was on. - Shouldn't have gone on that trip. - I mean, it was a honeymoon. Also don't invite your best
friend to your honeymoon. What are you doing? - I saw a lot of people in the comments proposing they were just polyamorous. But even then, if it's a
polyamorous relationship, why let two of those people get married? I get maybe tax benefits, but - Well also I guess you
couldn't, it would be - I'd be like, marry me! - Well it'd be frowned upon back then for two guys to get married. - Yeah, but why are any
of them getting married? - I guess to cover up? But that would be - Well they're obviously
not covering it up that much if he's going on the honeymoon. - Well also, like, if it were, hmm, well also, she would
have to know, explicitly, that they were in fact in a
relationship, Ronnie and Jack. Because that would then qualify as a polyamorous relationship, where Jack then has
two different partners. But she seems like she was theorizing. - Yeah, she seems like she didn't know. - So that's not really polyamorous. - Unless she was just
trying to cover it up. - That's just good old fashioned cheating. - Yeah. It's very curious. You picked a good one, Ryan. - Thanks. - Let's go back to Gram Town. This is from retro_kisser. "Are you guys cat people or dog people?" - Dog. - A bird person. Let's go back to Facebook. - Let's see. "Ryan, how the hell do you almost "burn down your apartment
making cheesy bread?" - Yeah, what's this cheesy
bread you're making. - Well I was making, I
had cheese, grated cheese - I got that part. - On top of a french bread.
- On a french bread. - And I put it in the oven. And then, I started to make pasta. - Notoriously difficult, pasta. - Well, I read the instructions wrong. I put two tablespoons of salt
instead of two teaspoons. - Very salty pasta. - And I was thinking, by the time I have this pasta done, the bread will be done. And then I fucked up the pasta, and I was like, fuck, I
gotta remake the pasta, forgot completely about the cheesy bread. - Uh-oh. - I'm also not a great multitasker, this is one of my issues. - Yeah. This is one of my issues,
I have it on a list. - I have plenty, I have
a laundry list of issues. Multitasking is near the top. And then I realized, uh oh, there's smoke coming out of the oven, better clean that up before
my apartment catches on fire. And that's the story of the cheesy bread. - Good.
- Yeah. - Let's go back to Gram Town. "What is the hardest,"
this is from isabel_xyz, "What is the hardest part of gathering "sources that are credible? "Love you Shane, you too Ryan." Do you have an issue with that? 'Cause it seems like a lot of the places you tend to scour online
are full of insane people. - I do a mix. - Yeah. - I get sources that are
from national publications. I do articles that are from
a guy on a MacBook somewhere. You gotta mix it up. - How often would you say you put forth stuff to our crack research
team, who are all incredible, how often do you put stuff to
them and say, how about this? And they go, oh no no. - The research team is the one giving me the majority of the national publications, the ones that are legit sources. And I'm doing - And then you throw
balls of shit at them. - I take literal balls of shit, I throw it at them, and
once it hits contact, then I go, check out this source. Because then, by comparison,
it's not that bad. I got shit on me, here's a shitty source. It's a fun play on words. Sorry, I had to burp. I mean, you know, you
gotta have a good mix. Everything's about balance. This comes from Kaitlyn Pollack. "Hi sisters!" I think we're the sisters? - All right.
- All right. "So the postmortem
comes out on my birthday "and if you answered my question "it would be the best
birthday present ever! "My question is a fuck marry kill. "Goatman, Mothman, Bigfoot. "Thanks so much." First off, happy birthday. Demented question you got there. I'll toss it over to you first. - This is, okay, I think I got this. I think this is an easy choice for me. - It seemed easy, but actually,
now that I think about it, okay, you go first. - Fuck the Goatman. I stole his bridge, he
already doesn't like me. - You already fucked him metaphorically, you might as well fuck him literally. - I've already done it. - You've already fucked him hard. - Marry Bigfoot. - Interesting. - Easy, marry Bigfoot, obviously. Bigfoot's out there in the
woods, appreciates nature. I could just have a nice cabin. Kill Mothman, hands down. - Why? - 'Cause Mothman, I dunno, what is Mothman contributing to the world? - Lots of things, mischief. - Like what? Mischief!? - I think I would kill Goatman, because he's a demon and demons suck. - Sure. - And, you know, like you said,
we already stole his bridge, so why should he even be
around, he has nothing to guard. So just, kill him. I would, ugh, this is tough. - Are you gonna kill Bigfoot? - No, I'd kill Goatman. I think I'd fuck Bigfoot. Just because he seems like a fun guy. But I don't know if I wanna spend a lot - That's you're excuse!
- I don't wanna spend a lot - You don't wanna spend
a lot of time with him. - I don't wanna spend
a lot of time with him. Mothman seems like someone who I could spend a lifetime with. - Do you just want this
for travel reasons? - I'll break it down. Travel, he's an interdimensional being. - He just grabs you by the
shoulders and takes you to - Yeah, he can give me
massages while he takes me through Cabo and he can
take me to, like, Europe. Also, number two, he's got a rocking bod. - He does have a hell of an ass. - He's got strong glutes and a six pack and a Batman utility suit. And three, I could travel
through dimensions. - I mean, this is alleged, that he travels through dimensions. - It seems like, yeah. - You wanna go to other dimensions? - Yeah, we could be like - Sometimes that happens
in Lovecraft stories and people, as soon as they
get to the other dimension, they just go insane, because - Yeah, H.P.'s got a bunch of
weird delusions of grandeur. - He's got a lot going on. - Yeah, but I will, yeah, I think I'd hop on Mothman for life. And I'd ride around, I'd ride him. Ride around on his little wings. - He's like Falcor? - Yeah, yeah. - What's coming up this week, Ryan? - This week is a case that's
been requested quite a bit. - Yeah? - It's an escape from reality. - Breakout episode of the season. - Yeah, I was gonna say, that's good. Yeah, okay. That does it for this episode of Buzzfeed Unsolved Postmortem. Make sure you watch
the episode this Friday and then send in your questions to the Buzzfeed Unsolved Facebook page, the Buzzfeed Unsolved Instagram page, or you could comment
on the video directly. - Comment on YouTube! - On the brand new
Buzzfeed Unsolved Network, which, if you haven't, subscribe
to by clicking this link. - I don't know why I
sounded like Julia Child when I said comment on YouTube. - I dunno, you added Mrs.
Doubtfire vibes to that too. - All right, our weekly Q&A concluded, I now welcome you to the part of the show we call the Hot Daga, a hot dog saga commissioned by Ryan Steven Bergara, written by me, and adored
by every single viewer. And if you don't like it,
you can kiss my apple taters. "Wakey, wakey, you're in spacey." Gene.
- Oh my god. Unforgivable start. - Gene, who is french fries, and Mike Soup awaken on
the bridge of the Persica to the sight of Gars standing over them. "Hey, where are we? "Oh wait yes, I remember
now, we were drugged! "I feel weak." "Oh yeah, sorry about that. "You're just gonna have
to do whatever I say. "Pop's in the pocket of
the big old mean guy. "Not much we can do about it." "I mean, I know I'm just french fries, "but I think you could maybe choose "not to be complicit in the
destruction of the universe." "He's got a point, you patsy scuzzball." "Whoa, harsh vibes man. "Look, who can say how the
dark master's mind works? "All we know is he's currently
devouring the universe "and has asked that you be delivered "to the space buffet resort
here at the Onian Station. "I'm sure everything will be fine." "I'm sure I'll kill you with my hat "as soon as I regain my soup strength." - There's no way you could
possibly enjoy this, T.J., right? - Thanks Teej. - There was no genuine emotion in his face when he said that. - He loves it. - There was no genuine emotion. - I love it! - Oh yeah, really, you sold that one. - That was good. - Everyone's gonna believe that. - "I'm sure I'll kill you with my hat "as soon as I regain my soup strength." "Oh ha ha, sure you will dingbat. "Excuse me, that was weird. "Anyway, look alive folks, we're here." Cut to the Onian Station arrival dock. It is expansive, teeming with activity. Basically like the
hangar of the Death Star except more vacationy, and probably not as cool-looking because we don't have the means to animate
something so huge. As new arrivals and
resort employees zip past, the Persica's boarding ramp
lowers with a pneumatic roar. The party exits with
Gars leading the pack, and they're met by a very ornate man who is buns, lettuce,
tomatoes, meat, pickles, and various condiments all stacked. "Greetings, my esteemed guests! "It is I, Weldon Bergereux, "most exhilarated by your arrival!" "Oh, uh, hey, what's the, "look, we don't really
need all the fanfare here." "Ha ha ha! Nonsense lad! "I received word from a mysterious, "anonymous, borderline ominous source "that we, that this ship was
carrying some very juicy VIPs, "or JVIPs as we call them. "And as the owner and proprietor "of this luxury resort destination, "it is my duty, honor,
and absolute pleasure "to personally welcome you "to the Onian Station space buffet, "where dreams come true and hot tubs too!" - Christ, take a breath. There is a vein coming out of your throat. - "Oh, well, great, it's good
vibe you've got, really great. "But we'll just head to our
rooms if that's all right." "Ha ha ha, the blue one is
a rip-roaring stitch-up. "You other lads have anything to say "or is this a tandem ventriloquist act?" "They're just here to enjoy
their vacation is all. "Isn't that right?" - I found a log. - "Yup, just here for a little R&R." "Exactly right, we've
had a stressful week." "Oh well then, haven't you come
to exactly the right place! "Here we encourage you to
check your worries at the door. "Sliders, initiate the
orientation fields!" Weldon's assistants, who are tiny burgers, enter and flip some
knobs on the nearby panel as large machines swing over the heads of the arriving party. They whir to life as they begin to emit a soothing pink light. "What's happening?" "Yeah, this isn't cool, my
dude, ethically, I think." "Your apprehension and confusion "is both typical and, might
I say, very responsible! "But this is simply a
courtesy, nay, luxury "that we provide all incoming guests. "And I assure you, this is
a perfectly natural process "that has been medically
tested on chicken nuggets." "Look you pile, none of us agreed to this "and if you don't stop this
instant, I'm gonna hug you." "Yeah, you little, you
lovely, kind, good man?" "Ah, see, now you see
how my technology works. "It takes all your worries,
all that negative energy, "that darkness, and it makes it little. "Little worries now. "And aren't we all
feeling better, happier, "ready to relax in this
luxury resort destination?" - How could this possibly
still be going on? - The pink light intensifies as the orientation process completes, leaving Gars, Gene, and Mike transformed, tranquil, ready to relax. The beams fade and the machines retract. "Whoa, I feel like I just
napped for 1000 years." "I feel like a happy sunshine
person who always wins." "I feel as critically
acclaimed as I always do, "which is the most!" "Capital, this is what we aim for. "Now, who's ready for
a tour of the resort? "There's much to see, my JVIPs. "Why don't we start at the universe "renowned zero-G lazy river?" "Oh my god, hell yes." "I call dibs on the chubbiest inner tube." "This is gonna be the best vacation ever!" The group rushes off
to explore the resort. Meanwhile, in the Onian
Station command center, a slider flags down her supervisor. "Sir?" "What you got for me Charlotte?" "Scanners are picking up
some kind of colossal anomaly "that appears to be consuming
all matter in its path. "Based on its current track and speed, "it's set to collide with our
station in a matter of days." "Hmm, a little worried about that. "Not too worried." "Yeah I'm not too worried." "Well let's keep an eye on it. "Like I said, I'm not too worried." Will the gang enjoy the lazy river? What nefarious plans does the
dark master have in store? Will Maisie and Goondis
make it to the Onian Station in time to sort this all out? And is Li'l Pam okay? Find out next week on the Hot Daga, Showdown at the Space Buffet! - [Ryan] Jesus Christ. Spit came out of your moth. - I had to give it all I, had to give it, had to give it my all, you know? - You're like that weird aquatic leader in the fuckin' shitty prequels,
the Star Wars prequels.
