Why Shame is the Raid Boss of Emotions

when i don't deserve something and it happens anyway it reprograms my understanding of what is deserved and what is not deserved and then i carry that programming through life which is where you carry the identity of shame would dr k make a video about shame i've recently come to realize that my social anxiety and low self-esteem is rooted in a core of feeling of shame and not the circumstances around me i say feeling because as much as it is a belief i am bad it's also an this overwhelming sensation that seems to hijack my life i can't remember much about my childhood so it is hard to identify if this is something that was learned but i felt this way my whole life therapy has been slow but helpful but my therapist seems to focus mostly on a cvt driven approach the problem with this is that i struggle with an overwhelming emotion sensation and not so much a thought feeling shame makes me feel even more ashamed you know this is why this is why shame is the elite mob of emotions it's really the best emotion that makes you feel more of the emotion and when the shame gets bad enough it leads to anger hatred self-sabotage and inability to hold relationships that is right um things that i'm curious about how core shame becomes implanted in our minds and what it really is if understanding the origins of our shame can help us overcome it and if so how notable physiological patterns that might serve as helpful tools to overcome shame meditative approaches this has been a slow grind for me and one of the biggest things that keeps me going is listening to dr k break down these topics okay thank you and take care you are very welcome and thank you for posting i think friends it is teaching time can you all hold on a second i'd like to blame my children but today i have only myself to blame so let's talk about shame so you know i'll ask i'll say things like become aware of it notice it notice what you feel see where the hurt is coming from so i want you all to pay attention to this sentence first i've recently come to realize that my social anxiety and low self-esteem is rooted in a core feeling of shame and not the circumstances around me this is a huge step forward okay and this is why i think this person is already getting better because they've come to realize that what shame so shame is tricky okay so the first thing to understand about shame is that it's a tricky tricky tricky tricky tricky one the first thing with shame is that shame comes from within but it's sneaky sneaky one because it tricks you into thinking it comes from outside so this is the first thing to understand about shane and this actually is the the thing that leads to the most stumbling because if i assume that shame is coming from the outside then the solution is on the outside but like so let's say like you know let's say once again like an abusive relationship okay so if i'm in an abusive relationship with someone who's emotionally abusive and makes me feel ashamed of myself what i will wind up doing is trying to appease that person because that person kind of controls the lever on whether i feel ashamed or don't feel ashamed right so then what happens is i wind up doing like all these kinds of appeasing behaviors and then like it just propagates the the negative experience okay so that's the first thing to understand about shane so if you want to overcome shame the first you the first step is to try to figure out you know your mind will be telling you you aren't as smart good competent likable lovable etc you take your pick right and then what it'll do is it'll cite evidence to that effect you'll say because oh look at that person you see he got a better you got better grades than you did this person is more likable this person is more competent this person is better looking so once again as we sort of talked about you know once you have an emotion it hijacks your thinking your rational mind and then what happens is it mis-attributes it misassigns where the problem lies because then like if all of these things are true on the outside then you really do deserve to be ashamed of yourself okay that's the first thing to understand about shane you know like where does this come from so what shame is i know it sounds kind of weird but we think about shame as an emotion right so like we think like you know emotions include shame anger you know fear etc and so i know it sounds kind of weird but then our approach is like okay how do i stop feeling this emotion whereas we actually don't we can't stop feeling an emotion like i know it sounds sort of weird but these are just byproducts they're things that our mind produces due to other things which we're going to get into so it's sort of like you know if i think about how do i deal with fear dealing with fear is not i don't want to deal with the emotion i want to deal with like the associations that create the fear so let's say i get afraid every time i'm in a social situation that fear is the consequence of something else in my mind right there's something else so either some scar but in this case the real thing is a hum god or ego so i want you to understand that the problem here when we talk about core shame okay because even this person describes it as core shame it's not just an emotion because emotions come and go do you guys get that so like this is something neuroscience-wise emotions equilibriate and this is this this is really sad that they really do okay so if we think about we think about bridezillas right so the bridezilla is like i want everything in my wedding to be perfect they want everything they're going to spend so much money everyone's going to be perfect it's gonna be my perfect day so if you create the perfect day and you destroy your relationships and you spend so much money and everything is perfect how long do you stay happy how long does the happiness last if it was a little bit more perfect would the happiness last 40 years if it was a little bit less perfect would it last 30 years so the truth of the matter is that emotions equilibriate it's just how our brain is designed even major depressive disorder and depressive episodes tend to be generally speaking time limited so the evidence suggests that even if you're depressed that that depression will go away over time okay if you're angry it'll go away over time so what where does core shame come from so it's not actually an emotion it is something that continuously creates or triggers emotion that's the difference and where core shame comes from is the ego so the ahamkar is continuously creating new shame and so then you ask the question okay what is the ahamkar what is the ego it's a sense of identity and as long as this sense of identity persists it will continuously increase your shame it's like a shame generating factory right because the shame is just the emotion like you can the emotion will go away on its own if you're someone who's dealing with core shame what you really need to understand is what is the identity structure that creates the shame okay so i hope that that makes sense and so now this person is asking how does core shame become implanted in our mind what i would say becomes implanted as a sense of self that is shameful and now we can even see so the person sort of says i don't know exactly where this comes from but i felt this way my whole life so when this person says things like oh i i've been feeling this way my whole life like i don't understand you know it's not it's been it's like normal for me and yeah that's because it's you carry it around with you constantly it's your sense of identity so then they have another question so if understanding the origins of our shame can help us overcome it and if so how yes absolutely so what i would say is that the way that this is going to work for you if you want this to if you want to stop persistently feeling ashamed of yourself you have to dig into this identity and as long as you are someone who is like deserves to be ashamed of yourself the shame will continue and then what you have to do is remap your identity so i'll give you guys just another example of this okay something i referenced a little bit earlier i want y'all you know i'm going to say something that's sort of self-positive but i think it it illustrates the point so i want you guys to think about the person who got 50 rejections from medical school and then 60 rejections from medical school and 70 rejections from medical school ended up getting into medical school i was really happy right i was a dude who persevered i overcame my weaknesses i persevered i was like oh man i was so good then i wound up at harvard and then i'd really overcome my weaknesses i'd overcome my weaknesses that's who i was that was my identity i was first a failure and then i was someone who overcame weaknesses and now i know it sounds kind of weird but what am i what do i want to hang on my wall i don't want to hang the diploma from harvard i want to hang the failures and so now what i've come to realize is that this was never a failure to begin with this is incorrect it's part of who i am i am period that's it i am what i am i am neither a failure nor successful i am neither special nor worthless i'm just me and so what i've observed within myself is like an interesting remapping of identity because i know it sounds kind of weird but like when you get into harvard that's what you want to hang on your res on your wall right when you get it framed you're like man i i need when i was looking at my office my ego was like well i hope there's enough wall space for all my wonderful diplomas because this is ego oh look at me i am triumphant but you can't triumph unless you failed these two come hand in hand so with my identity of failure comes my identity of triumph and now actually what i've done is i've crossed it all out i am that's just it i'm neither special nor worthless and so what you really need to do if you want to stop this sense of shame is to remap your identity so start to ask yourself like who are you okay like really like who are you who have you become who were you and really pay attention to like what comes up there and so then the last kind of question that they've got is are there particular physiological patterns that might serve as helpful tools to overcome shame absolutely we'll talk about that in a second and meditative approaches okay so now if we're talking about overcoming shame there's two elements we got to take a two-pronged approach one is identity and the second is emotion because remember even if we have the identity it's still you're still feeling ashamed in the moment and that makes it hard to do things right so we still gotta deal with that so we're gonna deal with this one first breath there's other stuff you can do but let's start with this so when you experience an emotion your pattern of breathing alters as a result and when you breathe a particular way it alters your emotions this is scientific fact we kind of know this now okay i know it sounds kind of weird but like it's actually what happens so i don't know if you all realize this but in scientific experiments when they are testing anxiety if you're looking at a treatment for anxiety the way that you reproduce anxiety in a laboratory right so if i'm testing let's say a medication for anxiety what i need is a lab full of like anxious people so how do i create all of these people and how do i induce anxiety in the moment what i do is increase the co2 concentration that they inhale this literally is the scientific standard for creating anxiety in another human being for research purposes so you give them a gas mask that has a higher level of co2 concentration it's it's wild that's like literally what you do i hope it's increase maybe it's decreased i know it's 7.5 percent can someone check whether atmospheric if that's lower that or higher than atmospheric concentration i'm pretty sure it's 7.5 co2 and so it's interesting because you can literally induce an emotion by altering the co2 and oxygen concentration of what you breathe so breathe so i guess that shame has a relatively deep and rapid breathing pattern okay i'm not so sure that it's actually shallow but if you alter your breath your mind will change with it so what i would recommend is nari shuddi that's our go-to and it's a go-to for a reason if you want to do something a little bit stronger you can do ohm chanting and just chant the shame out right just let it out and you can be like oh my god that's so embarrassing i'd feel like an idiot yes exactly and just chant through it we'll practice that today okay so that's what i would do so in the moment this is how you physiologically handle shame next thing identity what do we do about that so this is where there's a lot of stuff um you know we can talk about i think uh once again the atman like there's a reason why the dr k's guide is what it is chad it's because like most of the stuff is in there so if we think about you know who are you and why do you deserve to be ashamed of yourself like why are you deserving of shame so there's dealing with the actual emotion but i would ask yourself the question why do you deserve to be ashamed and then i would ask yourself you know how long have you deserved to be ashamed and i'd really pay attention there and then the third question is what happened right to take a look at like you know remember when you were five years old were you ashamed of yourself and then when you were eight years old were you ashamed of yourself and you'll say yes okay so what happened between five and eight you may not be able to uncover anything but then i know it sounds kind of weird this is tough it requires some introspection and if you do these these practices regularly over time this part will become easier then what i would do when you experience the shame and this is kind of when to how to tie it together so in a moment of shame i would ask yourself one last question which is are you someone that deserves to be ashamed right now or are you ashamed right now i know it sounds kind of weird but like think about the identity versus the circumstance and what you'll discover is that there is a part of your mind that basically assumes that you should be ashamed okay so now someone is saying five-year-olds don't deserve shame okay but i want you all to understand this when you don't deserve something and it happens to you anyway that is what rewires your perception of what is deserved do you guys get that like that is it in a nutshell that's where the core comes from when i don't deserve something and it happens anyway it reprograms my understanding of what is deserved and what is not deserved and then i carry that programming through life which is where you carry the identity of shame so that's where you have to go back and remap it figure out oh this fundamental principle which i have grown up with like gravity like do you guys get that when you're five years old you're understanding you're laying down the cement to understand gravity in social interactions an identity a one month old doesn't know who they are they don't have the capacity to know who they are the five-year-old just sort of knows on a broad sense whether i'm good or i'm bad have i been a bad boy or have i been a good boy and when some things happened to me that like i'm just playing with my blocks when dad comes over hits me upside the head because i'm playing with my blocks oh boy is playing with my blocks bad no because i play with my blocks at school so how do i explain that oh it must be me kids play with blocks all the time i saw these look at all these commercials where people are playing with blocks why am i getting it it must be me and it changes the idea of what you deserve and then you carry the idea forward that you deserve to be ashamed so you have to go back and re-examine that right and recognize and this is really emotionally painful by the way liberating painful and we've done this on stream a lot right like i'd say the who's the there's the guy who's in the cult where like i i encourage y'all to watch that and there was the other guy who hadn't cried in a long time he's tired of crying he doesn't need to cry anymore watch that one too but i think it's like these people were taught that this is what they deserve this is your lot in life and so you have to go back and hopefully you know you can do it to a certain degree on your own you can absolutely do it in therapy like some of our coaches can probably handle this kind of stuff actually a lot of them can it's something we deal with a lot and then the other thing is it doesn't have to be through that right like you can just grow as a human being and begin to realize like i did that like i was never a failure and i was never a success the whole paradigm is incorrect there's no such thing as either one right like it's just i am what i am and i have just as much reason to be proud of of all of my rejection letters as i do of my diploma right like the rest of it the shame and the failure and crap like that that's all crap that my mind creates it's not real and once you kind of realize that then it changes who you are that's how you remap your identity you

Channel: HealthyGamerGG

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Keywords: mental health, drk, dr kanojia, healthygamergg, healthy gamer gg, twitch, psychiatrist

Id: wSDTYTIJVrs

Length: 19min 0sec (1140 seconds)

Published: Mon Aug 09 2021

Reddit Comments

[u/AngelofWill]

It seems like Dr. K knows and understands the reasons why I am happy and can coherently explain them step-by-step to people who just don't get it. I might just start sharing his videos instead of trying to be an amateur therapist.