- [Narrator] Coming up
on The Overcoming Life with Jimmy Evans. - Karen and I make every
decision in our home together. You can't find one decision
in the Evans household that we didn't make as a team. We talk, what I'm saying
is, is we don't butt heads because we're both
submitted to Jesus. I'm not trying to
impose my will on Karen, Karen isn't trying to
impose her will on me. We're trying to find
the will of God. We're both submitted to the
lordship of Jesus Christ. Karen and I never talk about
who the boss in our home is because Jesus Christ is
the boss in our home. (introductory music) In every species of animal
there's a dominator. There's an alpha male,
there is some animal in that group of animals that
is dominating the rest of them except for human beings. We, it violates us. It's always wrong, it
always violates us, and we'll never have
a healthy relationship as long as there's control
in that relationship. And again, I want to
say I was the controller early in our relationship
and it ruined our marriage. We had no intimacy,
we had no good will. We were on the brink of divorce because of the dominance
that I exercised. So I want to talk about the
three ingredients of control. When you're controlling
another person or you're being controlled
by another person, there are three types of
control that people exercise. And we're going to use
the analogy of Jezebel. And this is not about women. Because there're just as many
men that do this as women. But there is a woman
in the New Testament and the Old Testament
named Jezebel. And Jezebel employs the
full range of control. That's the only
reason I'm using her is because she was unbelievable in the way that she controlled. Old Testament, New Testament. So here are the three
ingredients of control. Number one is manipulation. You can manipulate
through money. You can manipulate through
self-pity, self-harm, deceit. Whatever it might be. But the word manipulate
means to control or influence unfairly or unscrupulously. And typically,
this is typically, a person who feels
weaker manipulates. If you're in a
position of authority or if you're in a
position of power, you typically don't manipulate. You feel weaker and that's
why you're doing it. But this is what Jezebel did. The second ingredient of
control is intimidation. And this is a ramp
up from manipulation. A lot of times when
you're being manipulated you really don't know
it until afterwards. But when you're being
intimidated you know it. First Kings 19, Ahab told
Jezebel all that Elijah had done and how he had executed all
the prophets with the sword. Then Jezebel sent a
messenger to Elijah saying, So let the gods do
to me, and more also, if I do not make your life
as the life of one of them by tomorrow about this time. And when he saw that, he
arose, and ran for his life, and went to Beersheba
which belongs to Judah, and left his servants there. Now this Jezebel was a
vicious, vicious person. We'll read another scripture
here in just a minute. And Elijah had just taken
on 450 prophets of Baal and destroyed them. And this one woman with
this Jezebel spirit, this one woman sends a
message to Elijah and said, I'm going to kill you
by this time tomorrow. By the gods, I'm going to kill
you by this time tomorrow. And this man who wasn't
afraid of 450 prophets of Baal was terrified by Jezebel
and ran away from her. And when he got there he
asked God to kill him. He said, I don't
want to live anymore. And so when a person has a
Jezebel spirit, they're just, again, it's men or
women, it's frightening. They want to use
intimidation to control you. And that's what terrorism is. Worldwide terrorism, if you
don't do what we're saying we're going to threaten you. Threats of violence,
threat of exposure, I know something about you and I'm going to tell everybody
unless you do what I say. Threat of self-harm, I'm
going to kill myself, I'm going to hurt myself
if you don't do this, or if you do this. Retaliation, divorce,
adultery, financial harm. Whatever it might be. And so intimidation. Using intimidation to
change a person's behavior. Okay, that's control. Number three is domination. First Kings 18. For so it was, while Jezebel massacred
the prophets of the Lord, that Obadiah had
taken 100 prophets, and hid them 50 to a cave, and had fed them
with bread and water. Massacre. Physical force, financial force, force of personality, political. The way that I controlled Karen was just force of
my personality. I had a stronger
personality than she had. The other thing is I'm a fast
talker, I'm a fast thinker. That's not always good. Sometimes I talk in
front of my brain and that's not a good thing. Karen doesn't process
information as quickly. And she can't speak
as quickly as I can. So early in our marriage
when we would have a fight, I would just overpower her with
the force of my personality and the force of my language
and things like that. And so some people they
just, they'll wear you out. If they don't get their way
they'll just wear you out. And you know, another way that you know you're
being controlled is you're going to pay a price
if you don't go along. That's the way people
control others. You can come against me but
you're going to pay a price. I'm going to train you. So that's how people control. Why does God curse control? We're going to talk about
breaking the curse of control. Why does God curse control? The first reason is
anyone we control, we've taken God's
place in their lives. If I'm controlling
another person, I'm not talking about
righteous authority now, but if I'm controlling
another person, I have taken the
position of Jesus Christ in that person's life. But believing somehow
I guess I have a divine right to do that. But we don't. Only God has the
right to control. But I want to tell you something
about the nature of God. And that is God is
not a controller. You'll never wake
up in the morning with the Lord standing
at your bed going, now get up and pray right now. Now you get up right now, you
man of God, you woman of God, and you pray, and you
read your Bible, and you. He doesn't do that, He could,
but He doesn't do that. Let me tell you
something about the Lord. He's a shepherd,
not a sheep herder. A shepherd stands in
front of the sheep and leads the willing, a sheep herder gets
behind the sheep and drives them
against their will. God doesn't control
us against our will. He gives us the opportunity to do what we want to do
without being controlled. Now there will be an
end of the Age of Grace. And then, according to
our will we go to Heaven, or against our will some
people will go to Hell. There will be a time that
God imposes His will. But all He's doing at that point is just honoring
what people decided. But God is not a controller. And so, it's against His nature. And whenever we're controlling
we're taking His place. The other thing about control is it prevents trust and intimacy. Karen and I, when I was
controlling our relationship, we had no intimacy whatsoever. You can't. University of
California did a study, a very intense study years ago, of marriage and control. And they took 130
newly married couples and they tracked
them for five years. And what they were
trying to find was, what is the secret
of a happy marriage? And so they interviewed
these couples over a period of five years. And at the same time that they
were studying the 130 couples they had another
group of couples that had been
married for a while and they were also
studying them. At the end of the study they
decided the number one factor that creates the goodwill
and happiness of marriage is shared control
of the relationship. And they found if one
person controls the other, the intimacy and
satisfaction of the marriage drops dramatically. You simply can't be intimate with someone who's
controlling you. 'Cause it violates us. We know it's wrong. Okay, the next
thing is it presents a distorted image of
God to our children. God put His image
on Adam and Eve and then commanded
them to multiply. And so parents are image bearers
of God to their children. So God wants us as parents
to train our children we don't dominate. Mom and I respect each other. We talk to each
other respectfully. We make all of our
decisions together. But when children, and
most of us have grown up in a home where one parent
dominated the other one. And it distorts the image. See there's God the
Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. Who's in control? Yes, they all are. They have a, we
have the Trinity. Our God is three in one. Our God is one manifested
in three persons. Does the Father
dominate the Son? No. Does the Son dominate
the Holy Spirit? No. Does the Holy Spirit dominate
the Son or the Father? No. They live in a
triunity of equality. God the Father, Son,
and Holy Spirit. Our relationship in marriage
is a Christlike man, a Holy Spirit like woman, with God in the middle of it. It is a triune
relationship of equality. And now obviously,
we're under God, but we're also the
bride of Christ. So this is, it's
a beautiful thing. So God curses control. Wherever you find a relationship
where there is control there's going to be curse there. So why do we control? Let's talk about the
causes of control. Why do people
control each other? One is pride. We just believe
that we're better. I grew up in a family system. Not so much my father,
but my grandfather and a lot of our family. The men were chauvinists. And we believed that we
were better than women. When I married Karen
I just believed that men were better than women. I just did. And I thought, and Karen, I just thought, Karen
doesn't train very well. Karen's not like the
other female relatives that were just real sweet
and did what the men said. And it's just going to take me
a little while to train her. And she did not
train well at all. And finally one day the
Lord broke through my heart and said to me,
she's your equal. And I had sinned. Chauvinism is a sin. It is a sin for men to believe
they're better than women or women to believe
they're better than men. And we're equal. In Christ there is
neither male or female. And men and women are absolutely
equal in the sight of God. And men and women, husbands
and wives are totally equal. But you realize that a
lot of people just believe for some reason that they have
some kind of a divine right to dominate somebody else
because they're better. But we're not. The second reason is deception. There are teachings that teach that men are better than women and that women
should submit to men in the sense that men are
better than women biblically. It's wrong teaching. Everywhere I go,
as often as I can, I teach that we're
equals, because we are. And the only way
you're going to have a satisfactory marriage
is to be equals. And if men are the
head of the home, if they are the
head of the home, they're there to sacrificially
serve their wives as Jesus does with themselves
being the last consideration. If we're the head, again,
there's nothing wrong with that. Women don't mind that. (motivational music) - All of us have pain and
baggage from our past that we bring into marriage. But regardless of how unhealthy
or broken your marriage may seem today you can have
an emotionally happy marriage. Support the Overcoming Life
with your best online gift of any amount and we'll send
you Jimmy Evans' full series Emotionally Healthy Marriage
on CD or as an audio download. In this powerful series Jimmy
shares how to form healthy habits, how to cultivate
unity and purpose, as well as practical, easy to
follow disciplines to renew your marriage. Receive the audio
series and the 21 day Inner Healing Journey app
for your gift of $55 or more. The 21 day Inner Healing
Journey will guide you through 21 daily plans including
personal application exercises. For your gift of $110 or more
you'll receive the full video series along with the 21 day
Inner Healing Journey app. The journey to having an
emotionally healthy marriage begins now. (motivational music) Another reason we
dominate is because of an unsubmitted, unsanctified
choleric personality. Choleric means strong. And there are some of you
that you're just strong. You're strong
people, I'm that way. I have a naturally
strong personality. And I like to lead, I
like to make decisions, I've never been
insecure in that. But the problem is, when
that's unsanctified. So when Karen and
I first got married I had a strong personality,
but it wasn't submitted to God. And it wasn't filled
with the Holy Spirit. See, the Holy Spirit
gives us love, joy, peace, patience, kindness,
goodness, self control. When the Holy Spirit,
my personality, when it's baptized
in the Holy Spirit it becomes kind and good. And my strength is there
to benefit other people, not to dominate other people. But some people, and there are just as many
strong women as strong men. But some people that
have strong personalities feel like that they, you know, it gives them the right
to dominate others. Let me say this, we marry
according to our level of emotional health. Health marries health, and
unhealth marries unhealth. This is my man hand,
this is my woman hand. I had very high self-esteem. Never had to struggle with
self-esteem growing up. But I too high of self-esteem. Karen had extremely
low self-esteem. And so we were a match. Because we accommodated
each other. She needed my strength because
she had such low self-esteem. She needed someone
with confidence. And I was so arrogant I needed
someone who would allow that. Okay, so did it work? It was a nightmare. We got married and
Karen resented the fact that I dominated her. And I disrespected her
because she was so weak. And so what happened was,
and by the way, I was this, you always marry
according to your level of emotional health. Health marries at health,
unhealth marries unhealth. So women who are very
strong will typically find a real sweet, quiet man
that puts up with her. And it doesn't work because
she disrespects him, she doesn't respect
him 'cause he's weak, and he doesn't respect her
because he feels emasculated. So this doesn't work. So we got married
and Karen was the one who started to get healed. She began to pray, she began
to spend time with God, and she began to stand up to me. And I thought, you don't
do that to me, girl. And she did this. Well what happens, it's
like a teeter-totter. When the other person
over here changes, the equation changes. So when Karen began
to stand up it forced, she was trying to force me. She just walked
up to me and said, Don't talk to me like that. And I think, you don't
talk to me like that. Women don't talk
to men like that. When I'm upset my voice goes up. You've got, so. You don't talk it. So, I just thought, what? What do you think you're doing
standing up to me like that? Well she did this,
she was healthy, she was standing up to me. And so I told her to
get out of the house. The night she stood up
to me related to golfing. I'd been golfing and I
came in and she told me, I want you to be home, I
want you to be with the kids, I want you to stop
playing golf so much. And I just told
her, you get out. You go pack your
bags and get out. And that was the night that the
Lord broke through my heart. But understand this. This, we were here. You may be in a marriage,
and you're here, okay? You can change. In fact, I'm going to say it, by this time next
week you'd be fine. It's not that hard. This is not, you
know, set in concrete. So let me say it, so
how does it change? The dominate person
just has to sit down. You just have to decide, I don't want to
dominate people anymore. This doesn't work. This just isn't working. This person really is
pretty easy to change 'cause they're so strong willed. And so what I say to
dominate people like me is, get over yourself, sit down. Start listening, start seeking
other people's opinions, stop being so dominate. You know, all that. So sit down. This person needs
to stand up, okay? So in our case, Karen
started standing up to me, God humbled me, and
I began to sit down. And so we, you know,
we were like this, and now we're here because
Karen dominates me. She's way too healed. I've asked Jesus to take
away some of her healing. I want her like here. But the sister's
way too healed, so. But it just simply doesn't work. So if you have a
strong personality, you may be raising children. And you notice that you
have a son or a daughter that has a strong personality. Teach them to
respect other people and teach them not
to use their strength to disrespect and
control other people. 'Cause they'll never be
successful in a relationship if they do. Another reason that
we control is fear or feeling out of control. The most dominate people I've
ever met are fearful people. The period, period. In marriage counseling, when I find people who are
very, very controlling, and I'm telling you
you can't believe, I could tell you stories. You couldn't believe the level
of control that I've seen. Almost criminal. Almost kidnapping. Kind of control of one
person absolutely dominating every aspect of
another person's life. Okay, so the last is
simply not trusting God. With our lives and
the people, problems, and issues or our lives. Not trust, and this
is the big one. When you don't trust
God with people, you end up trying to be
God in that person's life. Let me say this about
Karen, or if you're married. There are things about
Karen I just can't change. I can go to Karen and I can say, Karen, this and this
and this, but you know, sometimes she doesn't see it. Or she'll say something to me. So in marriage, I have to
go get in my prayer closet when I'm praying, and say, Lord, if what I'm saying
to Karen is the truth, would You change her? Would You show her? If you're submitted to a
boss or something like that, and you have to trust God
to change someone's heart. And if you don't trust God, you're going to naturally try
to manipulate, intimidate, or dominate other people simply to get the result you
want rather than trusting God. So let me talk about
breaking the curse of control and I'm finished. How do you break out of
the curse of control? Number one, submission to
the lordship of Jesus Christ. And I'm talking about
as a married couple, Karen and I make every
decision in our home together. You can't find one decision
in the Evans household that we didn't make as a team. We talk, and what I'm saying
is, is we don't butt heads, because we're both
submitted to Jesus. I'm not trying to
impose my will on Karen. Karen isn't trying to
impose her will on me. We're trying to find
the will of God. We are both submitted to the
lordship of Jesus Christ. Karen and I never talk about
who the boss in our home is because Jesus Christ is
the boss in our home. Number two way that you
break the curse of control is being humble and
having a servant heart toward other people. Just, you have to be
humble and be a servant. You can't, you can't
lord over other people. God doesn't give us
that right, it's cursed. And God loves us, we're
on our way to Heaven. But I'm telling you, God
will never bless that. Number three, communicating
our needs, desires, and problems with others, and then trusting the results
to God or those in authority. Women and men are equal. You have every right to say
what you say to your spouse. But here's the million
dollar question. Who's the enforcer,
you or the Holy Spirit? And see, when we cross the
line as husbands or wives is when I'm the enforcer. And I said something to you. What we should do is
say it to our spouse. Now if this is
destructive behavior, you have to take it
to another level. When you love a person you
don't watch them self-destruct. So if it's
self-destructive behavior, or hurting other people,
you have to ramp it up, get some intervention,
do something. But I'm talking about
ordinary behavior. You go to your spouse and
say this and this and this, and they say, ah, I
don't agree with that. Go get in your prayer closet
and sick Jesus on them. Okay, listen to me. The Holy Spirit is
the Spirit of Truth. And if you're
speaking the truth, He will be your partner
to change your spouse. If it's not true it doesn't
need to be enforced. And there is that fractional,
fractional possibility that you could be wrong. I know it's almost
impossible, but it's possible. So you have to be careful. Here's number four, how
do you break out of this? Righteously standing
up to dominating and
controlling people and not allowing them
to abuse or dominate us. And if you've been controlled
or dominated for a while, you have to flex that muscle. You have to flex the muscle
of standing up, righteously. Not in a bad way, but Karen
began to stand up to me. What do you mean? You want to talk to me like,
don't talk to me like that. Don't talk to me like that. You can insist on respect. Don't talk to me
like that, no, no. My voice is going up. When I get upset
my voice goes up. Don't talk to me like that. You can insist on respect. And a lot of times the reason that people control
us is we let them. And they, over a period of time, they understand we're not
going to say anything, we're not going to do anything. People should know,
especially if they abuse us, it aint' gonna happen. I'm not a doormat, you're not
going to treat me like that. And I'm not going to
treat you like that, but I'm not going to let
you walk all over me. But I'm going to be
righteous about it. And number five, this is
the last one and I'm done. Submitting to each other
in the fear of God. This is what Ephesians 5
says when it talks about, the most revelatory text in
the world concerning marriage, is found in Ephesians 5. And it says, submitting
to one another in the fear of Christ. Then it tells women
how to submit to men, then it tells men how
to submit to women. A lot of times people will
read Ephesians 5 and they think it's only talking to women. It's talking to men and women
saying submit to one another in the fear of God. And what that means is both, we ought to be very
respectful to one another. We ought to treat each
other with great respect. And so here's what
I'm saying to you. In an emotionally
healthy relationship,
there's not control. There's respect. And we respect each other
and we talk to each other in respectful ways. And because of
that we gain trust. You trust me because you know
I'm going to speak the truth to you but I'm going
to do it righteously and I'm not going to
try to enforce it. And there's trust, there's
intimacy, there's good will. But, I asked you the poll,
how many of you have been in a home where one parent
dominated the other one? Most of you raised your hand. And that means most of you have
a mismodeling in this area. You saw control. And as a young boy growing up if your father
dominated your mother, you have to wake and
say that's not right. If your mother dominated your
father, that's not right. What's right? Respecting each other. Being equals the way
that God made us. In Genesis chapter three,
God pronounced a curse over two rebellious people. Now you're going to try
to dominate each other. That curse goes away in Jesus. When we come and make
Him the Lord of our lives and make Him the Lord
of our marriages. You know when Karen
and I got married as I was saying
in that teaching, I was very dominate, I had
a very choleric personality. It ruined our marriage. And it's always true of control that some people
who are controlling came out of an environment
of kinda chaos, or you know, problems
in their past, some kind of hurt, or
feeling out of control. And control is how they
deal with their own sense of inferiority or insecurity
or something like that. But here is the issue. God did not create us
to control each other. It doesn't work. I mean, if it worked,
that'd be great. But in my own marriage, for the first several
years of marriage, I mean, we had a terrible
marriage because I controlled, I was dominate. And if Karen didn't do
what I told her to do I would yell at her, or
I would not talk to her, you know, I would use some
method of controlling her. And heres' the point. Only God can control. First of all, if you're
being controlled, you're party to it. If you're in a marriage
or a relationship where chronically someone
is controlling you, you're a part of the equation. In other words,
you're enabling it. Every person who is a controller
has to have an enabler. And what Karen did in our
marriage that changed everything is she started
standing up to me. Well, you know, you didn't
stand up to me, you know. 'Cause I was a chauvinist. And I didn't believe that
women were equal to men, I just didn't, I was deceived. And so Karen, not in a bad
way, but in a very healthy way, because she, because of her
relationship with Christ she was getting healthier, well, she started
insisting on respect. And she started
looking me in the eye and challenging me on issues. Well it rocked my world. But it ended up in
me being healed. But because she stood
up to me, in fact, one of the nights that
she stood up to me, I told her to get
out of the house. You know, and, I mean that
was my method of control. But that's also the night that
God broke through my heart and I repented and our
marriage began to change. So I'm just saying if
you're a controller, if you're dominate, cut
it out, don't do it, it doesn't work. God never, He'll never bless
it, it will never work. If you're being controlled,
don't be mean, don't be ungodly, you stand up, stop enabling it. You tell the person
that's controlling you, uh-huh, I'm too precious
in the sight of God for you to talk to me like that. And I'm going to be an equal
part of this relationship or I'm not going to be
in the relationship. Okay, so you just lovingly
stand up for yourself and I promise you,
God will bless you. Okay, hope this helps,
see you next time. (motivational music) - [Narrator] Regardless
of how unhealthy or broken your marriage
may seem today, you can have an emotionally
healthy marriage. Support The Overcoming
Life with your best online gift of any amount and we'll send you Jimmy
Evans five-part teaching on CD or as an audio download. Learn new habits and disciplines that will strength
your marriage. Receive the five-part
audio series and the 21 Day Inner
Healing Journey app for your gift of $55 or more. The 21 Day Inner Healing Journey will guide you step by step
through 21 daily plans, including personal
application exercises, daily videos, and much more. For your gift of $110 or more, you'll receive the
five-part video series on DVD or digital download, along with the 21 Day app. - You can have a new marriage simply by changing
the disciplines and traditions in your marriage, so that you have and maintain a healthy marriage for
the rest of your lives. - [Narrator] Experience
Emotionally Healthy
Marriage today. ANNOUNCER: THANK YOU FOR WATCHING "THE OVERCOMING LIFE" WITH JIMMY EVANS.
