ANNOUNCER: COMING UP ON "MARRIAGE TODAY WITH JIMMY & KAREN"... JIMMY EVANS: SOME OF OUR WORST FIGHTS ARE WHEN WE'RE FEELING FEAR. IS, THE FEAR IS AT THE CORE OF IT, AND THAT FEAR HAS GOT TO BE DISARMED. KAREN EVANS: IF IT IS A FEAR, THEN DEAL WITH IT AS A FEAR. YOU KNOW, DON'T BLAME YOUR HUSBAND IF YOU'RE FEARFUL. BE HONEST OF JUST ABOUT HOW YOU'RE FEELING. HONEY, YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES I GET INSECURE BECAUSE YOU'RE GONE SO MUCH. BUT NOT BLAMING, NOT SHAMING, NOT ACCUSING. AS A YOUNG BOY, I WAS TALLER THAN MY SECOND GRADE TEACHER. AND THAT MIGHT SOUND GOOD, BUT IT WASN'T GOOD. I WAS REALLY, REALLY, REALLY TALL. AND I HAD MY TOOTH KNOCKED OUT AND I HAD A CAP ON THERE. MY BROTHERS, DAMIAN AND LUCIFER, THEY CALLED ME BUCKY THE SILVER TOOTHED BEAVER. AND I HAD SEVERAL THINGS THAT HAPPENED TO ME WHEN I WAS A YOUNG BOY THAT SCARRED ME. AND I NEVER HAD A PROBLEM WITH GIRLS, I'VE NEVER HAD A PROBLEM WITH ANYBODY. BUT INTERNALLY, I FELT LIKE A FREAK. THERE WAS JUST A MESSAGE INSIDE OF ME THAT HAPPENED TO ME WHEN I WAS ABOUT MAYBE IN SECOND OR THIRD GRADE. BUT INTERNALLY, THERE WAS SOMETHING INSIDE OF ME, I ALWAYS THOUGHT OF MYSELF AS A FREAK. AND I HAD TREMENDOUS AMOUNT OF FEAR. AND RATHER--I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH IT. AND SO RATHER THAN DEALING WITH IT IN THE PASSIVE SENSE OF JUST BEING FEARFUL AND COWERING DOWN, I JUST HAD MY GUARD UP ALL THE TIME. YOU KNOW, I WOULD STICK OUT MY CHEST AND STICK OUT MY CHIN AND JUST DARE YOU. I WOULD. THAT'S THE WAY I GREW UP. FOUGHT ALL THE TIME. IS BECAUSE IF YOU CROSSED ME, YOU KNOW, BUT I WAS MASKING FEARS. KAREN'S FEARS WERE REJECTION, DISCONNECTION, ME DISCONNECTING FROM HER, BEING DEVALUED, FAILURE, AND ABUSE. WE GO INTO A FEAR DANCE. I WANT TO TALK ABOUT GARY SMALLEY, ONE OF MY ABSOLUTE HEROES IN MARRIAGE. BUT HE WROTE A BOOK CALLED "THE DNA OF RELATIONSHIPS." AND IN THERE, HE TALKS ABOUT FEAR AND HE TALKS ABOUT THE FEAR DANCE. AND ONE OF THE PREMISES OF HIS BOOK IS, WE ALL HAVE CORE FEARS THAT WE'RE DEALING WITH. I BELIEVE EVERY PERSON HAS CORE FEARS THAT THEY'RE DEALING WITH. FOR MEN--FOR WOMEN, WOMEN'S CORE FEARS TYPICALLY RELATE TO DISCONNECTION, NOT BEING HEARD AND BEING VALUED, LOSING LOVE AND APPRECIATION. NOW, I BELIEVE THAT'S ABSOLUTELY TRUE. LET ME READ THAT ONE MORE TIME. WOMEN--WHEN WOMEN ARE DEALING WITH FEAR IN THEIR MARRIAGES, IT'S DISCONNECTION, I FEAR MY HUSBAND DISCONNECTING. I FEAR NOT BEING HEARD AND VALUED; I FEAR LOSING LOVE AND APPRECIATION. HERE ARE MEN'S CORE FEARS--HELPLESSNESS. BEING CONTROLLED. FAILURE, AND DISRESPECT. AND I COMPLETELY--I AGREE WITH BOTH OF THOSE. AND SO WHAT GARY SMALLEY TALKS ABOUT IS THE FEAR DANCE. AND HERE ARE THE STEPS IN THE FEAR DANCE THAT HE DESCRIBES IN HIS BOOK SO WELL. I HURT, I WANT, I FEAR, I REACT. THEN YOU HURT, YOU WANT, YOU FEAR, YOU REACT, AND WE GET INTO A CYCLE OF FEAR. THERE'S, I'M HURTING BECAUSE OF AN ISSUE IN MY LIFE. IT MAY BE SOMETHING FROM MY PAST. IT MAY BE SOMETHING RELATED TO YOU. BUT BECAUSE I'M HURTING, I WANT A SOLUTION. AND SO I WORK, THE KIDS, EATING, DRINKING, HOWEVER I'M DEALING WITH THIS, I'M TRYING TO FIND A SOLUTION BUT I FEAR. I FEAR THAT YOU'RE GOING TO CONTROL ME, I FEAR THAT YOU'RE GOING TO DISRESPECT ME, I FEAR YOU'RE GOING TO DO THIS, I FEAR YOU'RE GOING TO DO THIS, AND SO I REACT. I SAY SOMETHING, I DO SOMETHING, AND NOW YOU WANT, YOU FEAR. ALL THE SAME THINGS GO INTO MOTION. LET ME TELL YOU A STORY THAT I THINK EXPLAINS THIS REAL WELL. A FRIEND OF MINE IS A PSYCHOLOGIST, A VERY GOOD PSYCHOLOGIST, CHRISTIAN PSYCHOLOGIST. AND HE HAD A SITUATION THAT HAPPENED ONE DAY THAT HE WAS--HIS WIFE CALLED AND SAID, HONEY, WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO BE HOME? HE SAID, WELL, I'M GOING TO BE HOME AT 5:30, WHATEVER. SHE SAYS, GREAT, I'LL HAVE DINNER ON THE TABLE WHEN YOU GET HERE. HE SAYS, GREAT. AND SO RIGHT BEFORE HE WAS WALKING OUT OF HIS OFFICE, SOME PEOPLE CAME TO HIS OFFICE AND IT WAS A SUICIDE SITUATION. THERE WAS A PERSON THAT HAD ATTEMPTED SUICIDE WAS IN THE PROCESS OF TRYING TO KILL HIMSELF. AND SO HE BEING, YOU KNOW, SPECIALIZING IN THAT AREA AND BEING ADEPT AT DOING THAT, THEY WALK IN, HE IMMEDIATELY TAKES THEM IN, IT'S VERY INTENSE; IT'S A VERY DIFFICULT SITUATION. BUT BASICALLY, IN THE PROCESS OF THIS, HE SAVES A LIFE. SO HE GOES HOME AND HE'S JUST THINK HE'S GOING TO WALK IN THE HOUSE AND HIS WIFE'S GOING TO SAY, YOU KNOW, WHAT HAPPENED, WHY ARE YOU LATE? AND HE WAS GOING TO SAY, WELL, I JUST SAVED A LIFE, AND SHE WAS GOING TO SAY, YOU'RE MY HERO. WELL, THAT'S NOT WHAT HAPPENED. SHE WAS FURIOUS. AND HE WALKED IN THE HOUSE AND SHE WAS YELLING AND SCREAMING AND JUST THROWING A FIT. AND HE SAID, WAIT JUST A MINUTE, WAIT JUST A MINUTE. AND THERE WEREN'T CELL PHONES BACK THEN, BY THE WAY. AND SO THIS IS THE DAY BEFORE--THERE WAS A DAY BEFORE CELL PHONES. OK. SO HE--AND HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE CALLED HER FROM THE OFFICE, BUT HE DIDN'T. HE WALKS IN THE HOUSE, AND WHEN HE WALKED IN, SHE WAS FURIOUS. AND HE KEPT TRYING TO SAY TO HER, HONEY, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT JUST HAPPENED. LET ME TRY TO EXPLAIN IT TO YOU. WELL, SHE WASN'T LISTENING. SHE WAS JUST FURIOUS. WELL, UNDERSTAND, BOTH OF THEM FELT FEAR. HE FELT THE FEAR OF BEING DISRESPECTED AND MISUNDERSTOOD. SHE FELT THE FEAR THAT HE DIDN'T CARE ANYTHING ABOUT HER SITTING AT HOME WITH THE KIDS AND WITH A COLD MEAL ON THE TABLE, THAT HE WASN'T COMMUNICATING AND HIS JOB WAS TAKING HER-- OR HIM AWAY FROM HER. BOTH OF THEM WERE FEELING FEAR. AND HERE'S WHAT I WANT TO SUBMIT TO YOU--SOME OF OUR WORST FIGHTS ARE WHEN WE'RE FEELING FEAR. IS, THE FEAR IS AT THE CORE OF IT, AND THAT FEAR HAS GOT TO BE DISARMED. THAT FEAR HAS GOT TO BE UNDERSTOOD AND DISARMED. LET ME TALK ABOUT THE SOURCES OF OUR FEARS FOR JUST A MINUTE. SO YOU SAY, WELL, WHAT DO YOU FEAR? WELL, FIRST OF ALL, LET ME TALK ABOUT DESIRES. WE FEAR OUR NEEDS AND WANTS BEING UNMET. WE HAVE--SOME OF OUR MOST BASIC FEARS JUST HAVE TO DO WITH BASIC NEEDS. FOR EXAMPLE, OUR DEEPEST NEED IS THE NEED FOR LOVE. EVERY PERSON FEARS REJECTION MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE. I FEAR YOU REJECTING ME. OK. AND THIS--AND WHEN YOU FEAR BEING REJECTED, IT CAUSES YOU TO CLOSE YOUR HEART AND TO PROTECT YOURSELF. SEE, BECAUSE I FEAR YOU REJECTING ME, I'M GOING TO ALWAYS KEEP THE DOOR SHUT, OR JUST BARELY OPEN, SO IF YOU DO REJECT ME, IT WON'T HURT SO MUCH. BECAUSE NOTHING WOULD HURT SO BAD AS COMPLETELY GIVING MYSELF TO YOU AND THEN YOU REJECTING ME. SO THAT FEAR ALWAYS CAUSES ME, IN SOME WAY, TO LESSEN THE AMOUNT OF INTIMACY I'M GOING TO ALLOW IN THE RELATIONSHIP. I FEAR YOU REJECTING ME, MY MARITAL NEEDS. FOR A MAN, HONOR, SEX, FRIENDSHIP, DOMESTIC SUPPORT; A WOMAN--SECURITY, COMMUNICATION, AFFECTION, LEADERSHIP. I FEAR YOU NOT MEETING MY NEEDS, AND SO THINGS LIKE THAT. ANOTHER CAUSE OF FEAR IS JUST SIMPLY DESIGN. WE'RE NOT DESIGNED FROM GOD TO BE CONTROLLED. WE ALL FEAR CONTROL. AND THE WORST CONTROLLERS ARE THE PERSON WHO FEAR CONTROL. AND THEY TAKE CONTROL SO THEY WON'T BE CONTROLLED. AND SO IT'S AGAINST THE DESIGN THAT GOD HAS FOR US, AND SO THAT'S ONE OF THE CORE FEARS. ANOTHER REASON THAT WE FEAR IS DAMAGE FROM OUR PAST. WHEN YOU HAVE EXPERIENCED SOMETHING IN YOUR PAST THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO EXPERIENCE AGAIN, IT TRIGGERS TREMENDOUS FEAR WITHIN YOUR LIFE. AND SO YOU WENT THROUGH ABUSE, YOU WENT THROUGH REJECTION, YOU WENT THROUGH A DIVORCE, YOU WENT THROUGH WHATEVER YOU WENT THROUGH. AND SO I FEAR RE-EXPERIENCING THAT THING. AND ANOTHER WAY TO SAY THAT IS, I HAVE AN OPEN WOUND. THERE IS AN OPEN WOUND IN MY LIFE, AND THROUGH THAT WOUND, THE DEVIL ACCESSES THE WOUNDS OF OUR LIVES. AND BECAUSE OF THAT, I HAVE TREMENDOUS FEAR OF THAT BEING RE-EXPERIENCED. UM, THE--THERE WAS A MAN THAT--THAT I COUNSELED, AND HE COMPLETELY CONTROLLED THE FINANCES OF THEIR HOME. HIS WIFE DIDN'T HAVE A CREDIT CARD. HIS WIFE HAD NO KNOWLEDGE OF ANY OF THE FINANCES IN THEIR HOME. WELL, ACTUALLY, IT--IT WAS REALLY EVEN WORSE THAN THAT. UM, SHE THOUGHT THEY WERE BROKE. AND I GOT CALLED TO THEIR HOUSE ONE NIGHT. UM, THE, UH-- TO BREAK UP--WELL, SHE WAS LEAVING HIM. AND SHE THOUGHT THEY WERE BROKE. SHE WOULDN'T-- HE WOULDN'T GIVE HER ANY MONEY, AND THEN A BANK STATEMENT CAME IN THE MAIL AND SHE FOUND OUT THAT THEY HAD HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS IN SEVERAL BANKS. THAT'S WHEN THE FIGHTS STARTED. [LAUGHTER] AND, UM, IT ALL WENT BACK TO HIS FEAR OF FINANCIAL FAILURE, AND SO HE CONTROLLED EVERYTHING. AND PART OF CONTROL IS CONTROLLING INFORMATION. SEE, SOMETIMES WHEN THIS THING IS GOING OFF IN YOU AND IT'S ACCESSING THIS HURT OR THIS FEAR FROM YOUR PAST OR WHATEVER IT IS, AND SPEAKING TO YOU, YOU CAN'T LET THAT THING DIRECT YOUR ACTIONS. YOU GOT TO SHUT IT DOWN AND TAKE AUTHORITY OVER IT IN THE NAME OF JESUS. AND EVERY BELIEVER HAS AUTHORITY OVER SATAN. JESUS SAID IN LUKE 10, I GIVE YOU AUTHORITY OVER SERPENTS AND SCORPIONS AND OVER ALL THE POWER OF THE ENEMY AND NOTHING SHALL BY ANY MEANS HARM YOU. YOU SAY, WELL, WHY ARE SO MANY CHRISTIANS GETTING THEIR CLOCK CLEANED? THEY'RE NOT USING THE AUTHORITY. NOTHING SHALL BY ANY MEANS HARM YOU. NOTHING SHALL BY ANY MEANS HARM YOU. WE HAVE AUTHORITY OVER THE DEVIL. WHEN THE DEVIL, WHEN A SPIRIT OF FEARS COMES THROUGH THAT HURT, COMES THROUGH THAT WOUND, COMES THROUGH THAT SIN, COMES THROUGH THAT FAILURE, COMES THROUGH THAT PERSON, WE HAVE GOT TO LEARN TO DISCERN OUR THOUGHTS TO UNCOVER THE DEVIL AND TO TAKE THAT THOUGHT CAPTIVE. ANY THOUGHT YOU DON'T TAKE CAPTIVE WILL TAKE YOU CAPTIVE. AND THE DEVIL WANTS TO DESTROY OUR MARRIAGES. HERE'S HOW TO OVERCOME FEAR AND TO BECOME ONE IN MARRIAGE. NUMBER ONE--TAKE OFF YOUR FIG LEAVES. STOP ACTING LIKE YOU DON'T HAVE FEAR. YOU DO. YOU HAVE FEAR. ALL OF US HAVE FEAR. I HAVE FEAR. OK. SO WE JUST HAVE TO GET IT OUT IN THE OPEN AND JUST SAY, WE'RE NOT GOING TO HIDE FROM EACH OTHER, WE'RE NOT GOING TO HIDE FROM GOD. LISTEN, I'VE LEARNED THAT EVERY ISSUE IN MY LIFE IS AN OPEN CONVERSATION BETWEEN GOD AND ME. ALL OF MY FEELINGS, ALL OF MY FAILURES, ALL OF MY SINS, ALL OF MY SIN TENDENCIES. HE KNOWS IT ANYWAY, HE LOVES ME, IT'S A THRONE OF GRACE. I'M GOING TO GO TO DADDY, I'M NOT GOING TO RUN AND I'M NOT GOING TO HIDE. DARKNESS IS THE DEVIL'S DOMAIN. HE LOVES SILENCE AND HE LOVES SECRECY. BECAUSE YOU'LL GET-- THE LIGHT HEALS US, BUT THE DEVIL WORKS IN DARKNESS. SO MAKE IT AN OPEN ISSUE. AND WITH YOUR SPOUSE, YOU CAN JUST SAY TO YOUR SPOUSE, HONEY, THAT MAKES ME AFRAID, AND I KNOW THAT'S WRONG. BUT I'M JUST TELLING YOU, I FEEL AFRAID, AND I WANT YOU TO HELP ME DEAL WITH THAT. RATHER THAN ACTING LIKE YOU'RE NOT AFRAID, OR ACTING LIKE YOU'RE TOUGH. SECONDLY, TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR OWN BEHAVIOR. REMEMBER WHAT ADAM DID. WHEN GOD CONFRONTED ADAM. HE SAID, I WAS AFRAID BECAUSE I WAS NAKED. AND THEN HE SAID, IT'S HER FAULT. BLAME TRANSFER WAS THE ORIGINAL SIN OF MARRIAGE. IS TRANSFERRING THE FAULT--MOST PEOPLE IN MARRIAGE THINK, IF MY SPOUSE WOULD CHANGE, THAT'S ALL I NEED. MOST PEOPLE DO. I REMEMBER BELIEVING THAT VERY STRONGLY. IS, YOU KNOW, IF KAREN WOULD JUST CHANGE, I COULD HAVE A HAPPY LIFE. BUT IT'S ALWAYS BOTH OF US. AND I CAN'T CHANGE KAREN, BUT I CAN CHANGE MYSELF. AND EVEN IF I'M ONLY 15 PERCENT OF THE PROBLEM, I CAN CHANGE THAT 15 PERCENT. AND I JUST NEED TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY. AND IT'S ESPECIALLY HELPFUL WHEN YOU REPENT TO YOUR SPOUSE. AND YOU GO TO THEM, THIS IS WHAT BEGAN--I NEVER SAID I WAS WRONG IN YEARS OF MARRIAGE. BUT WHAT BEGAN THE HEALING IN OUR MARRIAGE IS WHEN I STOPPED THE TOUGH ACT AND REPENTED TO KAREN AND BECAME VULNERABLE. AND THAT'S WHEN THE LIGHT BEGAN TO BE SHOWN ON THINGS AND GOD BEGAN TO HEAL OUR RELATIONSHIP. NUMBER THREE STEP IS, TURN EVERYTHING TO GOD AND TRUST HIM. YOUR NEEDS, YOUR WANTS, TO CHANGE YOUR SPOUSE, TO HEAL YOUR HURTS. RATHER THAN HIDING THESE THINGS, TURN THEM TO GOD. WHAT KAREN AND I HAVE LEARNED TO DO, THE FIRST THING WE DO WHEN WE WAKE UP IN THE MORNING IS WE BOTH GET ALONE WITH GOD. AND WHEN I GET ALONE WITH GOD, I TAKE MY FEARS TO GOD. I TAKE MY HURTS TO GOD. I TAKE MY WANTS TO GOD. AND IF THERE'S AN ISSUE IN MY MARRIAGE, I ASK THE LORD TO CHANGE KAREN, NOT ME. BECAUSE IF THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH KAREN, GOD CAN FIX HER FROM THE INSIDE AND I DON'T HAVE TO MANIPULATE HER AND DOMINATE HER. BUT, YOU KNOW, A LOT OF TIMES WHEN I'M ASKING FOR THE LORD TO CHANGE KAREN, IT'S ACTUALLY ME THAT NEEDS CHANGE. BUT GOD ALWAYS KNOWS WHO NEEDS TO CHANGE. AND TRUST IN GOD. DO NOT LET--GOD HAS NOT GIVEN US THE SPIRIT OF FEAR, BUT OF LOVE AND POWER AND OF A SOUND MIND. WHEN YOU GO TO GOD AND YOU TRUST IN GOD, HE'LL FILL YOU WITH LOVE, HE'LL FILL YOU WITH POWER, HE'LL FILL YOU WITH A SOUND MIND. IT'LL MAKE A DIFFERENT SPOUSE OUT OF YOU. WELL, I HOPE YOU ENJOYED THAT. YOU KNOW, THIS "RETURN TO INTIMACY" SERIES IS WE'RE TALKING ABOUT THE THINGS THAT WE NEED TO DO AND NOT TO DO, TO BE ABLE TO EXPERIENCE INTIMACY IN OUR MARRIAGE. YOU KNOW, INTIMACY IS THE PRIZE OF MARRIAGE. IT'S WHY WE GET MARRIED, IS WE WANT TO HAVE CLOSENESS. BUT IF WE'RE NOT CAREFUL, THINGS LIKE FEAR AND DOMINANCE AND ANGER AND THOSE TYPES OF THINGS COME INTO THE RELATIONSHIP, JUST AS WELL AS THE FACT THAT SOMETIMES WE JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO BE INTIMATE WITH ANOTHER PERSON. SO THIS SERIES, WHAT YOU SAW TODAY IS JUST A SMALL PART OF THE ENTIRE SERIES THAT'S CALLED "RETURN TO INTIMACY," TALKING ABOUT MANY DIFFERENT ISSUES. AND RIGHT NOW FOR YOUR GIFT OF ANY AMOUNT, WE WANT TO GET YOU THE FOUR PART CD SERIES "RETURN TO INTIMACY" THAT TALKS ABOUT ANGER, DOMINANCE, FEAR, THE SECRETS OF INTIMACY; ALL OF THOSE THINGS THAT ARE SO IMPORTANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE THE MARRIAGE OF YOUR DREAMS, FOR YOUR GIFT OF ANY AMOUNT. BUT I WANT TO ENCOURAGE YOU TO BE GENEROUS. BECAUSE "MARRIAGE TODAY" IS A MISSION AND A MINISTRY. HOPEFULLY TODAY WE'VE MINISTERED TO YOU AND TO YOUR FAMILY. BUT WE'RE ALSO A MISSION. WE GO ALL OVER AMERICA AND THE WORLD MINISTERING TO PEOPLE IN THIS VITAL AREA OF MARRIAGE. ALSO RIGHT NOW, FOR YOUR GIFT OF $90 OR MORE, WE WANT TO GET YOU THE ENTIRE FOUR-PART DVD SERIES, ALONG WITH OUR "ONE DEVOTIONAL" BOOK. YOU CAN WATCH THIS BY YOURSELF, AS A COUPLE; YOU CAN WATCH IT MAYBE AS A SMALL GROUP OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT. BUT ALSO, OUR "ONE DEVOTIONAL" BOOK IS A FANTASTIC WAY JUST TO DEEPEN YOUR MARRIAGE. WE WANT TO GET YOU THESE RESOURCES. HERE'S HOW YOU CAN GET 'EM. ANNOUNCER: SUPPORT "MARRIAGE TODAY" WITH YOUR BEST GIFT AND RECEIVE THE SERIES "RETURN TO INTIMACY." IN THIS SERIES, YOU WILL DISCOVER HOW TO KEEP INTIMACY THRIVING AND GROWING, WHY FEAR CAUSES US TO REACT, AND PRACTICAL STEPS TO RESOLVING ANGER, CONFLICT, AND DOMINANCE. JIMMY: WHEN YOU DEVALUE AND REJECT THE THOUGHTS OF YOUR SPOUSE, INTIMACY IS OUT THE WINDOW. ANNOUNCER: FOR YOUR GIFT OF ANY AMOUNT TO SUPPORT "MARRIAGE TODAY," YOU'LL RECEIVE THE ENTIRE "RETURN TO INTIMACY" SERIES ON CD. FOR YOUR GIFT OF $90 OR MORE, YOU'LL RECEIVE THE SERIES ON DVD. WE'LL ALSO INCLUDE THE ONE DEVOTIONAL BOOK FILLED WITH 52 MARRIAGE-BUILDING DEVOTIONS AS A FREE BONUS TO THE DVD TEACHING SERIES. JIMMY: THE WORD "INTIMACY" MEANS INNER CLOSENESS. THAT'S WHAT IT MEANS. IT MEANS CLOSE ON THE INSIDE. ANNOUNCER: RECAPTURE CLOSENESS IN YOUR MARRIAGE LIKE YOU'VE NEVER EXPERIENCED BEFORE. WHATEVER YOUR SITUATION, YOU CAN RETURN TO INTIMACY. JIMMY: THIS PROGRAM TODAY IS ON DISARMING DESTRUCTIVE FEAR. AND, YOU KNOW, KAREN, THIS COMES FROM THE SERIES "RETURN TO INTIMACY." AND INTIMACY IS ABOUT DOING THE RIGHT THINGS. IT'S ALSO ABOUT NOT DOING THE WRONG THINGS. AND, YOU KNOW, I THINK EVERYONE HAS FEAR, TO SOME DEGREE. AND WHEN WE GOT MARRIED, I HAD A TREMENDOUS AMOUNT OF FEAR. I MASKED IT WITH THIS MACHO-ISM, YOU KNOW, THAT I DID. YOU DIDN'T MASK YOURS. YOU WERE INSECURE. BUT THE POINT IS, WE GOT INTO THE FEAR DANCE, AND I TALKED ABOUT THAT IN THE TEACHING. WE JUST ALWAYS WERE IN THIS FEAR DANCE, OR WE WEREN'T ABLE TO REALLY HAVE THE INTIMACY THAT WE NEEDED IN THE MARRIAGE. KAREN: I THINK IT'S FUNNY, 'CAUSE I THINK PEOPLE FEAR SAYING THEY HAVE FEARS. JIMMY: YEAH. I DO. KAREN: I MEAN, SERIOUSLY. YEAH. AND SO I THINK FOR ME PERSONALLY, I DIDN'T THINK OF MYSELF BEING FEARFUL OF ANYTHING BECAUSE I WAS SO BUSY TRYING TO CONTROL WHAT I WAS FEARFUL OF. JIMMY: AND THAT'S WHAT FEAR PROMISES. KAREN: EXACTLY. AND SO, YOU KNOW, FOR ME, MY BIGGEST FEAR WAS SOMETHING WAS GOING TO HAPPEN WITH THE KIDS. YOU KNOW, THAT THE KIDS WOULDN'T BE RAISED RIGHT OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT. AND SO IT COULD BE SO MANY DIFFERENT WAYS. I USED TO FEAR CAR WRECKS, YOU KNOW. AND ALL THOSE THINGS THAT MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE YOU HAVE TO BE IN CONTROL OF SOMETHING. JIMMY: WELL, IN OUR RELATIONSHIP, THE NUMBER ONE FEAR THAT WOMEN HAVE IS DISCONNECTEDNESS. THE NUMBER ONE FEAR THAT MEN HAVE IS DISRESPECT. AND SO I FEAR THAT YOU'RE GOING TO DISRESPECT ME, SO I BEGIN TO ACT OUT ON THAT. ESPECIALLY IF I FEEL LIKE I'M BEING DISRESPECTED. AND THEN YOU FEEL LIKE I'M DISCONNECTING, YOU BEGIN TO ACT OUT ON THAT, YOU GET INTO A FEAR DANCE. SO THAT'S WHAT THIS PROGRAM IS ABOUT, IS TO KIND OF HELP YOU TO UNDERSTAND SOME OF THE THINGS THAT--FEAR, SPECIFICALLY--THAT CAN REALLY SABOTAGE INTIMACY. NOW KAREN, WE HAVE SOME QUESTIONS FROM VIEWERS. AND SO I THINK YOU'VE GOT THE FIRST ONE. KAREN: I DO. "I AM DISRESPECTED AND UNAPPRECIATED IN MY HOME. I KNOW IT'S NOT RIGHT, BUT WHEN THINGS GO SOUTH, I'M AFRAID I MIGHT LEAVE. ANY ADVICE?" JIMMY: UM, I THINK LEAVING IS THE LAST THING YOU WANT TO DO. UNLESS THERE'S ABUSE GOING ON, IT'S REALLY A DANGEROUS SIGN FOR YOUR RELATIONSHIP. YOU'RE SAYING, I'M BEING DISRESPECTED OR WHATEVER. WELL, YOU KNOW, YOU'RE NOT A VICTIM. AND IN OUR MARRIAGE, I WAS AN IDIOT; I DID ALL THE WRONG STUFF, I DISRESPECTED YOU. AND I KNOW YOU FELT DISRESPECTED. I KNOW YOU FELT BAD. BUT YOU FOUGHT FOR OUR MARRIAGE. AND YOU LOVED ME MORE THAN I DESERVED. YOU PRAYED FOR ME. IT DOESN'T MEAN THAT YOU TAKE THE DISRESPECT. IT DOESN'T MEAN THAT YOU LIKE IT. IT JUST MEANS THAT, OK, YOU'RE DISRESPECTING ME, AND HERE'S WHAT YOU'RE SAYING--YOU CAN ONLY DEFEAT A SPIRIT WITH THE OPPOSITE SPIRIT. AND THAT'S WHY JESUS SAID TO LOVE OUR ENEMIES. WHEN YOU FIGHT FIRE WITH FIRE, YOU GET A BIGGER FIRE. BUT WHEN YOU FIGHT FIRE WITH WATER, YOU PUT OUT THE FIRE. WHEN YOU FIGHT A SPIRIT WITH THE OPPOSITE SPIRIT, YOU SUCCEED. AND SO THE ISSUE IS, YOU FEEL DISRESPECTED. WELL, HOW ARE YOU RESPONDING TO THAT DISRESPECT? ARE YOU BEING DISRESPECTFUL? ARE YOU FIGHTING FIRE WITH FIRE? AND YOU SAY, WELL, I DON'T FEEL LIKE I BELONG HERE, I'M SUPPOSED TO LEAVE. AGAIN, YOU FEEL REJECTED SO YOU REJECT IT. SO MY ENCOURAGEMENT IS NOT TO JUST SHUT UP AND DON'T SAY ANYTHING. SAY HOW YOU FEEL BUT SAY IT RESPECTFULLY, AND SERVE YOUR SPOUSE. AND PRAY FOR YOUR SPOUSE. AND REACH OUT TO YOUR SPOUSE. AND DO YOUR PART IN THE RELATIONSHIP. MAYBE WHAT YOU'RE FEELING IS A RESPONSE TO SOMETHING THEY'VE BEEN FEELING. AND I LOVE WHAT JOYCE MEYERS SAYS--THE BEST PERSON DOES THE RIGHT THING FIRST. AND SO IF YOU'RE THE BEST PERSON IN THE RELATIONSHIP, DON'T TURN TAIL AND RUN. YOU KNOW, FIGHT FOR THE MARRIAGE. KAREN: I LIKE TO SAY, TOO, IT'S AMAZING HOW WHEN YOU'RE HUMBLE, EVERYTHING IS--I MEAN, JUST, YOU BECOME HUMBLE IN JUST ADMITTING, MAYBE THERE'S A PART OF ME THAT'S IN THIS EQUATION, INSTEAD OF THE CONSTANT BLAMING. AND, I MEAN, WHEN YOU HAVE SAID THAT YOU'RE SORRY OR HUMBLED YOURSELF IS WHEN I PUT MY GUARD DOWN. YOU KNOW, IT'S NO LONGER WE'RE BATTLING AGAINST EACH OTHER. JIMMY: YEAH, ABSOLUTELY. NOW I'VE GOT A QUESTION. "I'VE BEEN TRYING TO EXPLAIN TO MY HUSBAND WHAT I NEED AND HE DOESN'T CHANGE. I FEEL TRAPPED AND FEARFUL MY MARRIAGE WILL NEVER GET BETTER." OK, SO SHE'S TELLING HIM WHAT'S WRONG, HE DOESN'T CHANGE, SHE FEELS TRAPPED, AND NOW HER FEAR IS THAT HE'LL NEVER GET BETTER. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT? KAREN: WELL, AND I THINK THERE'S NOT A WOMAN MARRIED THAT DOESN'T FEAR THAT HER HUSBAND'S NOT GOING TO EITHER HAVE A DIVORCE AND LEAVE--I MEAN, DIVORCE HER AND LEAVE HER OR HAVE AN AFFAIR; THAT HE'S OUT DOING SOMETHING HE SHOULDN'T BE DOING. AND THAT'S WHY I THINK IT'S SO IMPORTANT, YOU KNOW, TO BE HONEST IN YOUR COMMUNICATION. BUT NOT BLAMING, NOT SHAMING, NOT ACCUSING. YOU KNOW, DON'T COME AT HIM WITH AN ACCUSATION OF, YOU KNOW, AND EVEN YOUR ATTITUDE CAN BE ACCUSING. EVEN IF HE HADN'T DONE ANYTHING, REALLY, YOU KNOW? AND I THINK IT'S REALLY IMPORTANT TO DEAL WITH IT--IF IT IS A FEAR, THEN DEAL WITH IT AS A FEAR. DON'T BLAME YOUR HUSBAND IF YOU'RE FEARFUL. BE HONEST OF JUST ABOUT HOW YOU'RE FEELING. "HONEY, SOMETIMES I GET INSECURE BECAUSE YOU'RE GONE SO MUCH," OR, "HONEY, I JUST NEED YOU TO BE MORE PROACTIVE." OR, "I WAS FEARFUL BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T CALL ME. YOU'RE COMING HOME LATE FROM WORK. AND SO I FEARED ALL THESE THINGS--THAT YOU WERE HAVING AN AFFAIR. I'M SURE YOU'RE NOT, BUT THESE ARE JUST THINGS I DEAL WITH, AND SO I'D APPRECIATE IT IF YOU WOULD JUST, YOU KNOW, ENGAGE YOURSELF INTO THE RELATIONSHIP WHERE I KNOW WHERE YOU ARE. AND I DON'T KNOW, I MEAN, THAT'S WHAT WE DID. I MEAN, THAT'S WHAT HELPED US. JIMMY: WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO TAKE A BREAK HERE, BUT I WANT TO COME BACK, AND I WANT YOU TO CONTINUE WHAT YOU'RE SAYING AND I'VE GOT SOMETHING I WANT TO SAY ABOUT IT. WE'RE GOING TO TAKE A BREAK, WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. FOR OVER 20 YEARS, "MARRIAGE TODAY" HAS BEEN MINISTERING TO MARRIAGES AND FAMILIES ALL ACROSS AMERICA AND ALL ACROSS THE WORLD, IN OVER 200 COUNTRIES. AND SO IT IS OUR JOY TO BE ABLE TO COME TO YOU RIGHT NOW AND TO HOPEFULLY ENCOURAGE YOU, TO MINISTER TO YOU, TO GIVE YOU SOME SKILLS AND TOOLS TO SUCCEED IN MARRIAGE AND FAMILY. IF WE'VE BEEN A BLESSING TO YOU, WOULD YOU CONSIDER GIVING YOUR MOST GENEROUS GIFT TO HELP US FINANCIALLY? THE INFORMATION IS THERE ON YOUR SCREEN OF HOW YOU CAN CALL, OR YOU CAN SEND IN A CHECK OR A GIFT IN THE MAIL, OR ALSO HOW YOU CAN GO ON OUR SECURE WEBSITE AND GIVE RIGHT NOW. PLEASE CONSIDER GIVING YOUR MOST GENEROUS GIFT, BECAUSE EVERYTHING WE DO, IT HAPPENS BECAUSE OF GENEROUS PEOPLE JUST LIKE YOU, WHO HAVE BEEN TOUCHED BY OUR MINISTRY. PLEASE GIVE YOUR MOST GENEROUS GIFT. AND ALSO, IF YOU WANT TO BECOME A MONTHLY PARTNER, THE INFORMATION IS THERE ON YOUR SCREEN OF HOW YOU CAN BECOME A REGULAR MONTHLY PARTNER OF THIS MINISTRY, AND IN SO DOING, YOU GET A GIFT THAT NOBODY ELSE GETS. IT'S A SPECIAL RESOURCE FOR OUR ROCK SOLID PARTNERS. THANK YOU FOR YOUR GIVING. GOD BLESS YOU. ANNOUNCER: GOING THROUGH DIVORCE IS A LOT TO ASK OF CHILDREN AND OFTEN RESULTS IN YEARS OF EMOTIONAL PAIN. IT'S A VIOLENT RIPPING APART OF THEIR PARENTS AND A SENSE OF ABANDONMENT. WHAT SOMETIMES WE SEE AS A QUICK WAY OUT CAN MEAN COMPLETE LOSS FOR A CHILD. JIMMY: YOU HAVE A 100% CHANCE OF SUCCESS IN MARRIAGE. YOU WERE MADE FOR MARRIAGE. ANNOUNCER: "MARRIAGE TODAY" EXISTS TO PROTECT CHILDREN FROM THE PAIN OF DIVORCE AND TO STEER COUPLES AWAY FROM MARITAL FAILURE BY TELLING THEM THE TRUTH. WHEN YOU STAND WITH "MARRIAGE TODAY," YOUR INDIVIDUAL EFFORT MULTIPLIES WITH OTHER LIKE-MINDED PARTNERS AND TOGETHER, WE CAN REBUILD A LEGACY OF STRONG FAMILIES AROUND THE WORLD. CHOOSE YOUR LEVEL OF PARTNERSHIP TODAY AND RECEIVE IMMEDIATE ACCESS TO THE VIDEO STREAMING LIBRARY. BECOME A ROCK SOLID PARTNER TODAY. JIMMY: OK, BEFORE THE BREAK, WE WERE TALKING ABOUT THIS ISSUE, KAREN, OF A WOMAN FEELING FEARFUL BECAUSE HER HUSBAND WAS KIND OF DISTANT. SHE WAS FEARING THAT THE MARRIAGE WOULDN'T WORK OUT, THAT HE WOULD NEVER CHANGE. AND YOU WERE SAYING A LOT OF REALLY GOOD STUFF ABOUT, YOU KNOW, JUST KIND OF HOW THE DEVIL MESSES WITH OUR THINKING. AND THEN WE BEGIN TO ACT OUT ON IT. YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT NOT ACTING OUT ON THE FEAR, BUT KIND OF KEEP GOING WITH WHERE YOU'RE GOING. KAREN: WELL, I THINK THAT IT'S JUST IMPORTANT, FIRST OF ALL, TO NOT FEEL CONDEMNED THAT YOU DO HAVE THESE FEARS, BECAUSE WE ALL DEAL WITH THEM. JIMMY: EXACTLY. KAREN: AND, YOU KNOW, I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I HAD FEARS, LIKE I SAID BEFORE, UNTIL I GOT HEALED OF BEING FEARFUL. AND THEN YOU'RE LIKE, OH, MY GOSH, I'M A TOTALLY DIFFERENT PERSON. AND SO, YOU KNOW, I THINK LIKE YOU'RE SAYING, YEAH, I DID ACT OUT. LIKE, IF I WAS FEARFUL, FOR INSTANCE, IF I WAS FEARFUL ABOUT CAR WRECKS WHEN YOU AND I GET IN THE CAR WITH EACH OTHER, THAT'S WHEN ALL OF THE, AHH, YOU KNOW, YOU GO CRAZY. [LAUGHTER] SO IT'S LIKE THOSE ARE THE THINGS THAT YOU NEED TO WATCH FOR. YOU KNOW, WHAT ARE YOUR UN-NORMAL REACTIONS TO EVERY DAY LIFE? GO BACK, AND MAYBE YOU'RE OVERREACTING BECAUSE THERE'S A FEAR THERE. JIMMY: AND FEAR IS A PROPHET SPIRIT TO GIVE YOU A NEGATIVE PICTURE OF THE FUTURE SO THAT YOU'LL MAKE A FEAR-BASED RESPONSE THAT GOD WILL NOT HONOR. AND SO THIS WOMAN, HER QUESTION WAS, I FEAR MY HUSBAND WILL NEVER CHANGE. IN OTHER WORDS, THE MOVIE'S ALREADY IN HER MIND. AND IT'S NOT JUST HER, IT'S ALL OF US. THE DEVIL PUTS THIS, PROJECTS OUT THE FUTURE AND SAYS, YOU'RE A TERRIBLE PARENT, YOUR CHILDREN WILL END UP BEING TERRIBLE, YOUR MARRIAGE IS GOING TO FALL APART, YOU'RE GOING TO GO BROKE, THIS IS GOING TO HAPPEN. AND ALL OF A SUDDEN YOU HAVE THESE FEARS AND YOU BEGIN TO ACT ON 'EM, GOD DOESN'T HONOR FEAR. GOD HONORS FAITH. HE REQUIRES FAITH IN HIS WORDS. SO WHAT YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT, KAREN, WHICH WAS SO RIGHT, WHICH WAS WHAT YOU DID, IS I MAY FEEL FEAR, BUT I'M GOING TO ACT ON FAITH. I'M GOING TO ACT UPON THE WORD OF GOD. I'M GOING TO DO THE RIGHT THING TRUSTING GOD FOR THE RIGHT RESULTS. SEE, FAITH IS A POSITIVE VIEW OF THE FUTURE TO GIVE ME PEACE SO THAT I'LL MAKE A FAITH-BASED DECISION THAT GOD WILL HONOR. KAREN: AND IT BRINGS HOPE BACK INTO THE MARRIAGE. JIMMY: IT DOES. AND, YOU KNOW, AGAIN, IT'S THE SPIRIT, YOU FIGHT A SPIRIT WITH THE OPPOSITE SPIRIT. AND SO, FEAR, THE DEVIL USES FEAR IN ALL OF OUR LIVES TO TRY TO MOTIVATE US TO MAKE THE WRONG, TO ACT WRONG, SO THAT OUR MARRIAGE WILL IMPLODE. AND SO MANY MARRIAGES HAVE ENDED BECAUSE OF FEAR. OUR MARRIAGE, WE HAD SO MUCH TROUBLE AND AT THE ROOT OF IT WAS FEAR. AND YOU SAID IT RIGHT EARLIER, KAREN, IT'S JUST HARD SOMETIMES TO ADMIT IT, BUT I WAS A VERY FEARFUL PERSON. I MASK IT WITH BEING MACHO. AND THE DAY THAT I SAID, YOU KNOW, I'M AFRAID, AND I BEGAN TO DEAL WITH THE TRUTH, THAT'S THE DAY THAT OUR MARRIAGE GOT A LOT BETTER. SORRY THAT WE'RE OUT OF TIME, BUT WE'LL BE BACK WITH YOU AGAIN NEXT TIME. WE HOPE THAT THIS PROGRAM TODAY HAS BEEN A BLESSING TO YOU. SEE YOU NEXT TIME. GOD BLESS YOU. Thank you for watching MarriageToday. Subscribe to MarriageToday's YouTube channel for more marriage-building videos and updates.
