(upbeat music) - [Announcer] From West
Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter
before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points. This is Breaking News. - Welcome back to Breaking News, the show where we don't
know what we're about to say and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh. I'm Brian Watterson. - And I'm Fat Bastard. (anchors laughing) - Our top story tonight, the
school admissions scandal has widened with more parents bribing their children's way into college. - I ate a baby! - Interestingly, the
scandal continues to include really middle-tier universities like USC where no parent would ever be
proud of their child going. - I'm bigger than you. I'm higher on the food chain. Get in my belly! - This reporter fears the
scandal might grow to include; Rice, which you hear about
once every ten years or so; Carnegie Mellon, which
is probably impressive if you have the misfortune
of living in Pittsburg; and Marquette, which I dare you to even guess what state that's in. - I got a crap poking out
that could choke a donkey. I'm gettin' all emotional from it. - The scandal has extended
to include my alma mater, Dartmouth University. Dartmouth, the Washington
Generals of the ivy league. Dartmouth, for the students
bright enough for Columbia, but not hot enough for New York. - Sorry, I fart. (anchors laughing) - Interestingly, Dartmouth
doesn't have an official mascot, because honestly why
would we ever need one? But our unofficial mascot, Keggy, is an anthropomorphic
keg created by students because get this, college
students like beer. That's the kind of
creativity and originality that got us into the ivy league. Fat Bastard, where did you go to college? - Penn State! (anchors laughing) - Very good. We turn now to Bob "Bulldog"
Briscoe for sports. (Bob mimicking bark) - Hey, Brian. Hey, Fat Bastard. I'm here to talk about
the sport of the summer, water skiing. Apple Valley Lake is holding
its annual Water Ski-Off this weekend, and like
anything involving boats, it's sure to be douchey. People who own speed bumps
are the same kind of people who think nobody hits
their kids enough anymore, or who drink wine with ice in it. Summer on the lake looks like a PSA on the dangers of skin cancer. Everyone there is at best a libertarian. The Ski-Off is an amateur
water skiing contest. That means people will
mostly be- (hissing) - What's that Bulldog? - I said. (gasping) That means people- (anchors laughing) That means people will
mostly be sitting on a boat with their cousin trying to pretend to be in whatever baseball
team he's talking about, waiting their turn to get in the water. Once they do, they'll try for twenty frustarating minutes to get up on skis before finally giving
up out of embarassment. The winner will be whoever
is the first person to suggest tubing, water
skiing's less cool, but more fun friend. It's like I always say, 'Tube! Tube tube tube! Tube you tubs tube!' Back- (sputtering, laughing) Back to you, Fat Bastard. - I eat because I'm unhappy (anchors laughing) and I'm unhappy because because I eat! - Speaking of which, let's go
now to our restaurant critic, Golda Meir. No Relation. Golda, you're at a pie
festival, is that right? - That's right Brian, I'm sampling all the pies made by local bakers. - And what's been the standout? - Oh I always go for the classics, so there was a really tasty cherry pie. - Mmm, sounds good, what
else have you tried? - Oh my! Well, there's been
apple pie, pumpkin pie, pump can pie, pecan pie,
pee can pie, pee pump pie, Boston creme pie, Austin
creme pie, chicken pot pie, coward pot pie, strawberry
pie, poon tang pie. - Oh my. - It has a dirty name,
yes, but it's made with a grapefruit curd and meringue. Don't worry though, it for
sure tastes like (audio cuts). - Mmm. - Mmm. There was chocolate pie. Croc-lets pie, that's pie made with crocs. Mince meat pie, Prince meat pie, that's pie made from Prince's dead body. Rinse meat pie, that's pie made from meat
you hold under the faucet. Blueberry pie, and, of course, humble pie. - I love pie. - I love gold! - We all do. That's all for us on Breaking News. Of course, this weeks
loser is Shukri Abdi. Keep up the good work Shukri. Thank you for watching. Well that was a good time. - That was a very good time. - Hi, I still don't know
what I'm about to say, because I'm a big stupid idiot. If you liked this video,
you can go to hell, and then you can go to dropout.tv to start your free trial, today. For every episode of
Breaking News that's here, there's another episode only
available on dropout.tv. Until next time, I'm Grant O'Brien. Which is Irish for Grant of Brian.
