WELCOME, WELCOME, ONE AND ALL,
UP HERE, DOWN THERE, ALL AROUND, WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, TO "THE
LATE SHOW"." I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. FOLKS, IF YOU'VE BEEN PAYING
ATTENTION TO THE NEWS THIS WEEK, I'M SO SORRY, BECAUSE THERE IS
NOW A MOUNTAIN OF EVIDENCE THAT RUSSIA HAS ENGAGED IN A SERIES
OF BRUTAL WAR CRIMES. SO, IN RESPONSE, TODAY, THE U.S. ANNOUNCED NEW SANCTIONS ON
RUSSIAN FINANCIAL INSTITUTIONS AND INDIVIDUALS. GOOD! I HOPE IT MAKES A DIFFERENCE. BUT AT THIS POINT, THERE ARE SO
MANY SANCTIONS ON RUSSIA, WE MIGHT RUN OUT OF PLACES TO PUT
THEM. WE'LL HAVE TO START SANCTIONING
THEM IN THE MULTIVERSE. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
THEY'RE GOING TO HAVE TO BLOCK TRANSACTIONS WITH RUSSIAN BANKS
IN THE DIMENSION WHERE SPIDER-MAN IS TOBEY MAGUIRE. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
THE LATEST PACKAGE WILL, AMONGST OTHER THINGS, BAN ALL NEW
INVESTMENT IN RUSSIA. WELL, YOU GOT TO. OTHERWISE, THEIR SOARING
ECONOMY IS AN IRRESISTIBLE CASH MAGNET. <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> BEFORE THE WAR STARTED--
BEFORE-- <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
BEFORE THE WAR STARTED, I WAS READY TO PUT ALL MY MONEY INTO
THEIR HOT NEW RIDE-SHARING APP, TUBER. <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> YES, TUBER. YOU KNOW THEIR MOTTO:
"IS POTATO." IN ADDITION, THE ADMINISTRATION
HAS IMPOSED WHAT'S KNOWN AS "FULL BLOCKING SANCTIONS"
ON RUSSIA'S LARGEST PRIVATE BANK, ALFA BANK, AND ITS
LARGEST FINANCIAL INSTITUTION, SBERBANK. THAT'S "SBERBANK," AND NOT, AS I
ORIGINALLY READ IT, "SPERM-BANK," WHICH IS THE ONE
BANK WHERE YOU WANT YOUR ASSETS FROZEN. THE PACKAGE--<i>
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> SPERM BANK. THERE YOU GO. THE PACKAGE ALSO INCLUDES
SANCTIONS ON VLADIMIR PUTIN'S ADULT CHILDREN. HE HAS ACKNOWLEDGED TWO
DAUGHTERS. AND THAT'S JUST WHAT EVERY CHILD
WANTS TO HEAR. "I LOVE YOU, DADDY!"
"I ACKNOWLEDGE YOU, TOO." <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
SPEAKING OF OUT-OF-CONTROL BILLIONAIRES, TESLA C.E.O. AND
STAR OF "DOUCHE CASSIDY AND THE CRYPTO KID," ELON MUSK. AFTER YEARS OF TWEETING SILLY
MEMES AND BAD TAKES, WHILE AT THE SAME TIME CONSTANTLY
CRITICIZING TWITTER'S BUSINESS PRACTICES, THIS WEEK, MUSK
BOUGHT A 9.2% STAKE IN TWITTER, MAKING HIM THE LARGEST
SHAREHOLDER. WAIT A SECOND! SO, IF HE DOESN'T LIKE HOW A
CORPORATION OPERATES, HE JUST BUYS IT? HOW MUCH MORE EVIDENCE DO WE
NEED THAT HE'S TURNING INTO A SUPER VILLAIN:
"WHAT? GUAC IS EXTRA? THEN THIS CHIPOTLE IS NOW MINE! MWAHAHAH! MWAHAHAH! WOOO! AAAH! NOW, WHERE DO I GET MY FREE
REFILL? MUSK'S INVESTMENT IMMEDIATELY
CAUSED A SPIKE IN THE COMPANY'S STOCK PRICE. IN FACT, MUSK HAS ALREADY MADE
$800 MILLION ON HIS TWITTER INVESTMENT. $800 MILLION IS THE MOST MONEY
EVER MADE OFF TWITTER WITHOUT SELLING PICTURES OF YOUR
FEET. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
BY THE WAY, I GIVE GREAT BUNION. MAYBE YOU LIKE A LITTLE
HAMMERTOE? <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
ONE OF MUSK'S FIRST TWEETS AFTER HIS SPENDING SPREE WAS A POLL
ASKING, "DO YOU WANT AN EDIT BUTTON?"
SURE! I MEAN, I'D RATHER YOU CANCEL
THE ACCOUNTS OF ALL THE NAZIS, BUT AN EDIT BUTTON WOULD BE
NICE. <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> TWITTER RESPONDED--<i>
( APPLAUSE )</i> TWITTER RESPONDED, NOT
SURPRISINGLY, WITH A TWEET: "WE'VE BEEN WORKING ON THE EDIT
FEATURE SINCE LAST YEAR," ADDING, "NO, WE DIDN'T GET THE
IDEA FROM A POLL, WINK EMOJI." OKAY, I BELIEVED YOU UNTIL THE
WINK EMOJI. WINK EMOJIS DON'T LEND CREDENCE
TO ANY STATEMENT. NO ONE'S GOING TO DEPOSIT MONEY
IN A BANK THAT SAYS, "WE PROMISE NOT TO BLOW YOUR LIFE SAVINGS ON
COCAINE AND HOOKERS. WINK!"<i>
( LAUGHTER )</i> <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
IN OTHER-- IN OTHER-- COCAINE AND HOOKERS! I'M AGAINST IT. I'M AGAINST IT. IN OTHE MUSKY NEWS, RECENTLY,
ELON WAS IN BERLIN FOR THE OPENING OF HIS NEW TESLA
GIGAFACTORY. AND AFTERWARDS, HE DECIDED TO
CELEBRATE WITH A VISIT TO THE CITY'S MOST NOTORIOUS TECHNO
SEX CLUB CALLED THE KITKAT CLUB. OKAY, BUT GIVE HIM A BREAK. GIVE HIM A BREAK. āŖ BREAK HIM OFF A PIECE OF THAT
HOT SEX CLUB āŖ NOW--<i>
( LAUGHTER )</i> <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
āŖ āŖ āŖ NO ONE KNOWS WHAT MUSK WORE, BUT
THE KITKAT CLUB'S DRESS CODE INCLUDES LEATHER, LATEX,
LINGERIE, FANCY DRESS, SWIMMING GEAR, SUPERHERO OUTFITS, OR
COMPLETE NUDITY. THAT IS A DARING MIX. NOTHING SAYS SEXY LIKE A NAKED
BATMAN WEARING RUBBER GLOVES AND A SNORKEL. <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> SNORKEL COMES IN HANDY. YOU'RE GOING TO WANT THE
SNORKEL, OR ONE OF THOSE NOSE CLIPS. THE KITKAT CLUB WAS JUST THE
FIRST STOP FOR WHAT SOME ARE CALLING "A SEX CLUB CRAWL." PRO TIP: DO NOT CRAWL THROUGH A
SEX CLUB. <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> THAT'S NOT SPILLED BEER. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
I'M SAYING DON'T DO IT! THIS IS-- THIS IS A HANDY TIP! TRUST-- GO AHEAD, CRAWL. DO WHAT YOU WANT. MUSK'S TOUR WAS CUT SHORT AT THE
FAMOUSLY EXCLUSIVE BERLIN NIGHTCLUB BERGHAIN, PROMPTING
SPECULATION THAT HE HAD BEEN DENIED ENTRY. OH, YOU'RE KIDDING! I DON'T CARE HOW EXCLUSIVE
BERGHAIN MAY BE! WHAT CLUB WOULDN'T WANT THIS ON
THEIR DANCE FLOOR? LADIES, LADIES, THAT'S ALSO HOW
HE MAKES LOVE. <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> "DO YOU LIKE THIS, BABY? YOU LIKE THIS? I JUST BOUGHT 10% OF TWITTER." I CAN DO THIS ALL NIGHT LONG. <i> ( APPLAUSE )
( LAUGHTER )</i> RICHEST MAN WHO'S EVER LIVED! CONTINUING WITH TONIGHT'S
BILLIONAIRE THEME, THERE'S NEWS ABOUT FACEBOOK FOUNDER, MARK
ZUCKERBERG, SEEN HERE UNABLE TO IDENTIFY THE PICTURES THAT
CONTAIN STOP SIGNS. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
HE WAS INTERVIEWED RECENTLY AND HAD AN INTERESTING ANECDOTE
ABOUT HOW BELOVED HE IS AT WORK: >> SOME OF THE FOLKS WHO I WORK
WITH AT THE COMPANY, THEY SAY THIS LOVINGLY, BUT I THINK THAT
THEY SOMETIMES REFER TO MY ATTENTION AS "THE EYE OF
SAURON." >> Stephen: YES, SURE. THEY'RE COMPARING YOU TO THE
DARK LORD SAURON... LOVINGLY. "THE GUYS AT THE OFFICE ADORE
ME! THEY CALL ME EVIL INCARNATE. EL DIABLO. JARED FROM SUBWAY. GET THIS: THEY SOMETIMES-- THIS
IS HOW AFFECTIONATE-- SOMETIMES THEY EVEN PUT THE
PICTURE OF MY FACE ON THEIR DARTBOARD. AND WHENEVER THEY USE THE
BATHROOM, THY CALL IT 'LEAVING MY MARK.'"
>> Jon: OH, MY GOSH! >> Stephen: HE'S GOING TO
DESTROY DEMOCRACY! IN STATE GOVERNMENT NEWS,
TENNESSEE HAS INTRODUCED A BILL THAT WOULD ELIMINATE AGE
REQUIREMENTS FOR MARRIAGE. THIS BILL IS BEING SPONSORED BY
REPUBLICAN REPRESENTATIVE AND MAN WHOSE PORN NAME IS HIS
ACTUAL NAME... <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
TOM LEATHERWOOD. THAT'S WHY YOU GOTTA USE
SUNSCREEN. <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE SHOOTING
OUTSIDE. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
IF HIS BILL GOES INTO EFFECT, TENNESSEANS OF ANY AGE COULD BE
COMMON LAW MARRIED, WHICH IS EXTRA WILD CONSIDERING THAT,
UNDER CURRENT TENNESSEE LAW, IT'S ALREADY LEGAL TO GET
MARRIED AS YOUNG AS 17. OKAY, THAT'S TOO YOUNG TO GET
MARRIED! ITS , TOO YOUNG TO VOTE, RENT A
CAR, AND TOO YOUNG TO-- AND THIS IS TRUE-- OPERATE A DELI SLICER
AT A GROCERY STORE. CALL ME OLD-FASHIONED, BUT I
SAY, NO MATRIMONY TILL YOU SLICE BALONEY. <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> AND HERE-- OH, OH! >> Jon: YOU GOT TO SLICE THAT
BALONEY. SLICE IT GOOD. >> Stephen: THIN, LIKE IT
THIN, BABY. THERE YOU GO. āŖ āŖ āŖ
BUT HERE'S THE KICKER: CHILD MARRIAGE WASN'T THE PURPOSE OF
THIS BILL. THE REAL GOAL WAS TO ESTABLISH
COMMON LAW MARRIAGES IN THE STATE AS BEING BETWEEN "ONE MAN
AND ONE WOMAN." UGH, DON'T YOU HATE WHEN YOU'RE
TRYING TO WRITE A HOMOPHOBIC BILL AND ALL PEOPLE FOCUS ON IS
HOW YOU ACCIDENTALLY LEGALIZED BABY WEDDINGS? <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
COVID'S MAKING A LITTLE COMEBACK THESE DAYS, AND SO IS THE COVID
CRAY-CRAY, BECAUSE RIGHT-WING ACTIVISTS HAVE LAUNCHED AN
AMATEUR GRAND JURY TO VOTE ON WHETHER TO INDICT DR. ANTHONY
FAUCI. OKAY, I WANT TO POINT OUT THAT
ALL JURIES ARE AMATEUR. IT'S TOUGH TO GO PRO ON $23
A DAY. THIS AMATEUR GRAND JURY IS A
LIVE-STREAMED EVENT LATER THIS MONTH THAT'S BEING BILLED AS
THE FAIR AND BALANCED WAY TO DECIDE IF ANTHONY FAUCI SHOULD
BE INDICTED. WHY? QUOTE, "THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN,
AND HERE'S THE PROOF," FOLLOWED BY JUST THE WORDS
"VIDEO, EVIDENCE, DOCUMENTS." OH, MY GOD, ALL THREE COURT
WORDS? FAUCI'S IN REALY TROUBLE! "YOUR HONOR, LAWYER. EXHIBIT A: PROOF! EVIDENCE: DOCUMENT. ALL RISE! CASE CLOSED. IF IT PLEASE THE COURT, MAY I
APPROACH THE BAILIFF? YOU WANNA BUY SOME WEED?"<i>
( APPLAUSE )</i> SO-- JUST SAYING. IT'S AN AMATEUR JURY. WILL THEY AMATEUR ARREST ME? SO WHO ARE THESE GRAND JURORS? WHY, IT COULD BE YOU! FOR AS LITTLE AS $25 AND AS MUCH
AS $10,000 TO BE A V.I.P. JUROR. IT'S PERFECT FOR ANYONE WHO'S
EVER THOUGHT, "I HATE JURY DUTY, BUT WHAT IF IT COST 10 GRAND? WOULD I LIKE IT THEN?"<i>
( APPLAUSE )</i> NOW, THERE IS ONE SMALL THING--<i>
( APPLAUSE )</i> THERE IS ONE SMALL THING TO KEEP
IN MIND BEFORE YOU PAY UP AND BRING JUSTICE TO DR. FAUCI
FOR CRIMES OF DOING SCIENCE. ON ITS WEBSITE IN FAIRLY SMALL
FONT, THEY CLARIFY THAT AMERICA'S GRAND JURY IS A MOCK
GRAND JURY. IT HAS NO LEGAL AUTHORITY. ANTIVAXXERS LOVE IT, BUT IT
DOESN'T DO ANYTHING. IT'S THE HYDROXYCHLORIQUINE OF
JUSTICE! <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> BUT-- BUT-- TURNS OUT IT DOESN'T
DO ANYTHING. TURNS OUT IT DOESN'T--
>> DOESN'T DO NOTHING. >> Stephen: BUT IT'S STILL WORTH
THE MONEY. BECAUSE AT THE $2,500 JUROR
LEVEL, YOU GET ONE-NIGHT ACCESS TO MINGLE WITH ANTI-VACCINE
CELEBS IN THE GRAND JURY'S GREEN ROOM. YES, ALL THE HOTTEST
ANTI-VACCINE CELEBS! WE'RE TALKING ABOUT UNCLE BILL,
SUE THE BORAX GAL, AND OF COURSE, NIKKI MINAJ'S COUSIN'S
FRIEND'S GIANT BALLS. WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. MY GUEST IS ANDERSON COOPER. BUT
WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE"! JOIN US, WON'T YOU?
Iām wearing a snorkel to KitKat next time.
now i kinda hope that stephen colbert gets denied entry to berghain as well. painful to watch.
It's amazing that this is the same Stephen Colbert that had the Colbert Report.
Unfunny to say the least
Apartheid South Africa's own darling creepy faced Elon Musk!!!