WELCOME, WELCOME, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, ONE AND ALL, TO "THE LATE SHOW." I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. AND I--<i>
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).</i> YOU FEEL THAT? YOU FEEL THAT? THAT IS RAW, UNCUT, BLUE FLAKE
EXCITEMENT BECAUSE EVERYBODY KNOWS TOMORROW NIGHT, AT LONG
LAST, THE PUBLIC HEARINGS ON THE JANUARY 6 INSURRECTION WILL
FINALLY KICK OFF. THEY'LL BE BROADCAST HERE ON
CBS, AND AFTERWARD, "THE LATE SHOW" WILL BE LIVE! BOOM! <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
SO TOMORROW NIGHT, TUNE IN TO WATCH ME TALK ABOUT WHAT
HAPPENED, WHEN THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED ON THE DAY
WE ALL SAID, "WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?"<i>
( LAUGHTER )</i> <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
TOMORROW NIGHT-- STARTING TOMORROW-- FOR TWO WEEKS, RIGHT? IT'S TWO WEEKS OF HEARINGS,
RIGHT? STARTING TOMORROW AND FOR TWO
WEEKS OF THESE PUBLIC HEARING,s
THIS IS A CRUCIAL OPPORTUNITY FOR THE AMERICAN PEOPLE TO LEARN
THE FULL DEPTH AND BREADTH OF THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S MONTHS-
LONG, VIOLENT CONSPIRACY TO OVERTHROW A FREE ELECTION AND
REMAIN IN POWER. HANGING OVER THE HEARINGS IS ONE
QUESTION THAT COULD DEFINE THE FUTURE OF OUR REPUBLIC:
WHO CARES? >> THERE ARE ALL KINDS OF
DISTRACTIONS BEFORE THE AMERICAN PEOPLE, AND SO I THINK THAT THEY
NEED TO HEAR SOMETHING NEW, THINGS THAT THEY HAVEN'T HEARD
BEFORE. >> THEY JUST NEED TO FOCUS THE
PUBLIC'S ATTENTION ON IT. >> THEY HAVE TO GRIP THE
AMERICAN PUBLIC. >> THEY NEED TO MAKE THIS REALLY
A COMPELLING NARRATIVE. >> IT DOESN'T HAVE TO LOOK LIKE
"TOP GUN." YOU WANT TO FIND THAT SWEET SPOT
IN THE MIDDLE. >> Stephen: YEAH, IT DOESN'T
HAVE TO LOOK LIKE "TOP GUN," BUT JUST IN CASE, THEY'RE GOING
TO HAVE ADAM SCHIFF AND JAMIE RASKIN PLAY HOT SHIRTLESS
VOLLEYBALL. HE'S CUT. HE'S CUT. HERE'S THE THING: HEARINGS ONLY
MATTER IF PEOPLE ARE HEARING THEM, WHICH IS WHY WE AT
"THE LATE SHOW" HAVE PUT TOGETHER A PROMO GUARANTEED TO
PUT THE ASSES IN THE TV SEATS. JIM? >> THURSDAY, THURSDAY, THURSDAY! UNDER THE CAPITOL MEGADOME! IT'S THE HEARINGS ON JANUARY 6! 6, 6, 6! A CONSTITUTION-CRUSHING LINEUP
OF INSURRECTIONIST MAYHEM, FEATURING EXPLOSIVE REVELATIONS
ABOUT THE WINE GREMLIN. THE OXY-OGRE. AND WHOEVER THE HELL THIS IS. BRING IN THE PAIN OF FORMER
PRESIDENT SCHMUCK-A-TSARS. NEED MORE TO MAKE YOU CARE ABOUT
THE FALL OF DEMOCRACY? HOW ABOUT THE THING YOU CRAVE
MOST? ANOTHER, EVEN SADDER SEASON OF
"THIS IS US." EVERY EPISODE IS A FUNERAL. ♪ ♪ ♪
STILL WANT MORE? HOW ABOUT BOOBS? WITH $2 GAS. ONLY YOU CAN SAY DEMOCRACY LIKE
THE FOUNDERS INTENDED, BY WATCHING TV! >> Stephen: NOW, WE WILL LEARN
MORE-- <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
SURE. SEE PEOPLE ARE-- PEOPLE ARE
EXCITED, JON. WE WILL LEARN MORE ABOUT WHAT TO
EXPECT FROM OUR GUEST TONIGHT, CALIFORNIA DEMOCRAT AND
COMMITTEE MEMBER ADAM SCHIFF. <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
IS IS GOING TO BE RIGHT OVER THERE TONIGHT. >> Jon: ADAM IS HERE. >> Stephen: HE'S ON THE SHOW
TONIGHT. THAT'S THE KIND OF SHOW WE RUN
HERE. HE'S GOING TO GREASE US WITH ALL
THE HOT. TREASON. GOSS. I REALLY HOPE HE DOES THAT. WE'RE ALSO GETTING MORE DETAILS
ABOUT THE EX-PRESIDENT'S PLANS FOR THAT TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE DAY. YOU MIGHT REMEMBER AT THE RALLY,
WHEN HE RILED UP THE MOB TO MARCH ON THE CAPITOL? >> WE'RE GOING TO WALK DOWN--
AND I'LL BE THERE WITH YOU-- WE'RE GOING TO WALK DOWN. WE'RE GOING TO WALK DOWN. >> Stephen: OF COURSE, HE
DIDN'T.p<i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> OF ALL THE LIES HE HAS EVER
TOLD, NONE WAS MORE OBVIOUS THAN "I'M GOING FOR A WALK." <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> NOW, REMEMBER--<i>
( APPLAUSE )</i> ♪ ♪ ♪
REMEMBER, THE PRESIDENT'S CRONIES HAVE CLAIMED OVER AND
OVER AGAIN FOR THE PAST 17 MONTHS THAT THEY COULDN'T HAVE
PREDICTED WHAT WAS GONNA HAPPEN, THAT THE CROWD MARCHING ON THE
CAPITOL WAS JUST A SPONTANEOUS OUTBURST OF PATRIOTIC ZIP TIES
AND BODY ARMOR. BUT WE JUST LEARNED THAT IS JUST
AS BIG A LIE AS HIS OATH OF OFFICE, BECAUSE THE JANUARY 6
COMMITTEE HAS UNCOVERED THAT THE FORMER PRESIDENT PUT NEARLY TWO
WEEKS OF PERSISTENT PRESSURE ON THE SECRET SERVICE TO DEVISE A
PLAN FOR HIM TO JOIN HIS SUPPORTERS ON THE MARCH TO THE
CAPITOL. TWO WEEKS. SO HE KNEW EXACTLY WHAT HE WAS
DOING... ( AUDIENCE BOOING )
IS A SENTENCE I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD SAY ABOUT THE FORMER
PRESIDENT. NOW, HE MAY BE PUTTING THAT--<i>
( APPLAUSE )</i> NOW HE MAY BE PUTTING THE
PRESSURE ON, BUT THE SECRET SERVICE SAID, "SORRY, YOU
CAN'T." BUT THEN, ON JANUARY 6, THE
FORMER PRESIDENT WENT ONSTAGE AND SAID "HEY, LET'S DO IT
ANYWAY." SO, THE SECRET SERVICE SCRAMBLED
TO LOOK INTO A MOTORCADE THAT WOULD ESCORT HIM TO THE CAPITOL,
BUT ULTIMATELY, SCUTTLED THE IDEA AS "UNTENABLE" AND
"UNSAFE"-- COINCIDENTALLY, ALSO THE SECRET SERVICE CODE NAMES
FOR DON JR. AND ERIC. <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> I THINK THAT'S RIGHT, UNTENABLE
AND UNSAFE. IT'S TOO BAD. I WOULD HAVE LOVED TO SEE HIM
STRUGGLE UP THE CAPITOL STEPS, BATTING AWAY COPS WITH A K.F.C. DRUMSTICK, ONLY TO TRY TO HEAVE
HIMSELF THROUGH THE WINDOW AND GET STUCK "WINNIE THE POOH"
STYLE. <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> HANG SOME TEA TOWELS, PUT
SOMANTLERS ON IT. WE'VE GOT AN UPDATE ON THE
PLAGUE. NO, NOT THAT ONE, THE OTHER ONE. AND I'LL CATCH YOU UP IN THE
LATEST INSTALLMENT OF MY TWICE-RUNNING SEGMENT:
>> DAWN OF THE PLANET OF THE MONKEYPOX. >> YOU GOT TO TELL THEM
MONKEYPOX IS PEOPLE! >> Stephen: UP TO THIS POINT,
EXPERTS HAVE REPEATEDLY SAID THAT THIS VIRUS CAN BE
TRANSMITTED BY CLOSE CONTACT, LIKE SEXUAL INTERCOURSE. BUT NOW THEY'RE SAYING
MONKEYPOX CAN BE AIRBORNE, TOO. I'M BEING TOLD WE HAVE FOOTAGE
OF THE SCIENTISTS MAKING THE DISCOVERY. >> FLY! FLY! <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
>> Stephen: THE FACT THAT MONKEYPOX CAN BE TRANSMITTED
THROUGH AEROSOLS MAKES IT SIMILAR TO THE CORONAVIRUS. NO, NO, NO! I CAN'T GO BACK TO LYSOL-ING ALL
MY MONKEYS. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
IN HAPPIER NEWS, INFLATION. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
I DIDN'T SAY "HAPPY." I SAID HAPPIER THAN MONKEYPOX. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
UNDERSTANDABLY, PEOPLE ARE SICK OF PAYING HIGHER PRICES, SO
CORPORATE AMERICA HAS COME UP WITH A CLEVER SOLUTION: QUIETLY
SHRINKING PACKAGE SIZES WITHOUT LOWERING PRICES, IN A PHENOMENON
CALLED SHRINKFLATION. IN THEIR DEFENSE, CORPORATIONS
SAY, "THE WATER'S JUST VERY COLD." THESE MANUFACTURERS THINK THEY
CAN GET AWAY WITH IT, BECAUSE THEY ASSUME CUSTOMERS WILL
NOTICE PRICE INCREASES BUT WON'T KEEP TRACK OF SMALL DETAILS,
LIKE THE NUMBER OF SHEETS ON A ROLL OF TOILET PAPER. WELL, MAYBE PEOPLE WONT, BUT
THOSE DAMN BEARS SURE WILL! THEY'RE OBSESSED WITH RECTAL
HYGIENE! THEY TALK ABOUT IT AS A
"FAMILY!" IT'S UPSETTING TO WATCH! <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> NOW, FOLGER'S-- I DON'T WANT TO
KNOW. I DON'T WANT TO KNOW! DON'T DO IT IN THE WOODS! FOLGER'S COFFEE RECENTLY
DOWNSIZED ITS 51-OUNCE CONTAINER TO 43.5 OUNCES. ( AUDIENCE BOOING )
>> Stephen: YEAH. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
EXPLAINS THEIR NEW JINGLE: ♪ THE BEST PART OF WAKING UP
IS NOTHING IN YOUR CUP ♪. <i> ( LAUGHTER ).</i> >> Stephen: BUT-- BEAUTIFUL. BUT THE MOST TROUBLING CHANGE IS
THAT BAGS OF FRITOS SCOOPS MARKED "PARTY SIZE" USED TO BE
18 OUNCES, BUT NOW THEY ARE 15.5 OUNCES. ( AUDIENCE BOOING )
ET TU, FRITO? 15.5 OUNCES ISN'T A PARTY. IT'S BARELY A GATHERING. WHEN I CRACK OPEN A
PARTY-SIZE BAG OF FRITOS, I DO THE RIGHT THING AND EAT THE
WHOLE DAMN BAG BY MYSELF <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
YEAH, YEAH! YEAH! THIS IS AMERICA. LAN
LAND OF THE FREE-TOS. BUT NOW, WITH THE SMALLER BAG,
I'LL BE 2.5 OUNCES SHORT OF TOTAL SHAME. SO I'LL HAVE TO OPEN UP A SECOND
BAG, AND THEN I'LL FINISH THAT ONE BECAUSE, AGAIN, FREEDOM. BUT NOW, AFTER TWO BAGS, 31
OUNCES OF FRITOS DEEP, I FEEL TERRIBLE ABOUT MYSELF. AND THERE'S ONLY ONE THING THAT
CAN MAKE ME FEEL BETTER: ANOTHER BAG OF FRITOS! THIS WAY LIES MADNESS. <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
AND ONION DIP. THEY THOUGHT WE WOULDN'T FIND
OUT! BUT WE DID! >> I KNEW IT WAS YOU, FRITO. >> Stephen: WE'VE GOT A GREAT
SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. MY GUESTS ARE CHIWETEL EJIOFOR,
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, FROM THE JANUARY 6th COMMITTEE
CONGRESSMAN ADAM SCHIFF. STICK AROUND.
