Roy Wood Jr.: “Love Buffet Restaurants”

I appreciate the fact that fast food employees are rude I like it at least it's from the heart because people too nice now you go out to these stores everybody hey how you doing are you thank you for choosing us you think them people want to be your friend or they'll get fired for not speaking which one you think it is 10 15 years ago nobody spoke to you but you went in the store now all of a sudden it's a corporate mandate and I read that you not do it I get in the grocery store it's just too many questions at the register just ring up the that's on the Belt we ain't got to be friends I'm here I'm spending money you won what else do you want yeah they would throw me off though I'd be watching them civil rights movies man would throw me off I'll watch the Civil Rights move and be like oh that was a best movie then two weeks later you find out the main black dude in the movie is British got me some black bricks they good the anger is a compliment them black Brits they so good they feel like betrayal then you see him two weeks later in the interview well my job is winning a Jubal and that damn one all right why is Dr King talking like this and this might not be an issue for most people but every black person remember the day they found out Idris Elba wasn't from Baltimore oh my God that was a troubling day in the Black American community it's like finding out your daddy wasn't your daddy it's just out but that's string of Bell from The Wire that string of Bell dog like nah Dawn that from over there no he ain't used and then you saw interest you saw him and then you saw him in the interview well I tell you for breakfast me love a warm bowl of beans [Laughter] for breakfast oh not my dog not my dog oh I think I think part of the rift between black Americans and black Brits it just boils down to we don't know enough about foreign black people's struggle we don't know enough about black British people because they own teachers say history and if I don't know your pain I can't trust you to portray mine on camera that's the that's the issue but it ain't black Brit's fault it ain't their fault we don't know about their history they ain't teaching US foreign racism in America we ain't learning about the struggle across the diaspora we just now learning about Tulsa that happened around the corner yeah we did we too busy learning Roman numerals in America they ain't teaching you about the struggle across the diaspora they only going to teach you rub thank God I know the Roman numerals now I know which Super Bowl we own idiots so a different type of pull up to the country you don't know about him there's got to be something going on in England man there's got to be some racism over there man they ran off Meghan Markle you know how jacked up your country got to be to not with Meghan Markle you don't with Meghan Markle Meghan Markle could pass for eight nine different races in America but in England they was like no something's off with that good too many niggles in her nablas if you don't all right England was so racist to Meghan Markle she came back to America and stayed at Tyler Perry's house do you understand how frustrated you have to be with racism like a pain that only Medea could fix then then she talked to Oprah she was dealing with so much racism she had to talk to two of the most powerful black women in the country Oprah Winfrey Oprah Oprah was interviewing Meghan Markle Oprah didn't have no solutions for that woman that's how complicated racism is in England Oprah Oprah's built her Empire on giving us solutions to our problems it's all purpose done to the news she has the the talk show she had the damn magazine she's got a TV network it's all promoting positive imagery to make you a better you making Marco sit down in that backyard with Oprah open for two hours all she did was make faces couldn't help me a million marker poured her heart out to Oprah Oprah was just sitting there I can't help you with that baby you got to talk to the ancestors huh jail let's go I can't help her we got to go girl if you want you won't pull to stand for the anthem change the song that's half the problem right there it's just the lyrics to The Anthem we can stand to any song patriotism is a feeling let's not forget that patriotism ain't no one song for as long as we stand and agree that people died for us to kick it we can do that to any song you can do that to Bruno Mars what's more American than Bruno Mars they say America is a Melting Pot well damn it I want to stand to Bruno Mars he literally looks like every race at the same time what's better than that what's more American than us standing with the Hawaiian Mexican white lesbian and Jewish man [Applause] to honor the truth ladies and gentlemen we ask that you please rise As we sing Our National Anthem 24 Karat Magic remove your hats and put your pinky rings to the moon at this time [Applause] you mad about the damn Anthem man please let's be real about the anthem first and foremost the beat is whack it don't go hard you love America but you ain't downloaded the national anthem to your phone if you was at the club and the DJ started playing the national anthem you'd be like what the is wrong with this DJ you ain't at the DJ booth hey man play some of that patriotism that's what I like that's their dream home I understand they're supposed to honor the country but here's the thing people forget about the national anthem it ain't even an original song it ain't original it's based off a British song it's the exact same as a British song and that's what you want people to say about first of all imagine that imagine whooping another country ass getting your freedom and then to celebrate your freedom you write a freedom song based on a song of the country ass you just what that don't even make no sense you now that now you run around telling stolen people in a stolen land that they should stand for a stolen song come on bro go plus just be real about it white people y'all came at black folks the wrong way you had bad marketing if you wanted black people to stand for the anthem all you had to do was tell us that it was a remix that's all you have to do tell us is a remix ladies and gentlemen we ask that you please stand to the remix of national anthem featuring Puff Daddy and the family and Francis either that or made a dance to it handle me hard hand will be hard every [Applause] everybody was standing for me man I love doing the freedom slide don't you like the freedom slide yeah yeah hand over the whole thing okay you do that freedom slide The Anthem ain't even the most disrespectful thing happening at a football game the most disrespectful thing is when they bring a troop out let us clap form and paint the illusion that they actually care about the veterans that's the real BS every game they do that right they they bring it they bring a troop out let us clap for them but they don't want to talk about the issues affecting the truth they bring them out ladies and gentlemen we'd like to turn your attention to the field as we welcome home Lieutenant Colonel Commander fifth General submarine driver uh he's braver than your ass clap for this hero and we clap as we should you ever notice whenever they bring a veteran out at a football game you ever notice we give them a round of applause they give them good seats the one thing they never give them is the microphone just once I love to see a vet just snatch the mic from the PA announcer ladies and gentlemen this Brave hero can we talk about the VA and the homeless get the get your answer thank you now please rise and put your pinky rings to the Moon As we sing Bruno Mars we're all Americans just different Americas black folks we also gotta we gotta try are you saying we're gonna do it but we gotta try sometimes to get a benefit of the doubt sometimes everything ain't racist about two percent it's about two percent [Applause] that ain't racist you got to recognize that two percent I was at McDonald's this dude was cussing everybody out I swore up as racism I walk in this fast food spot this dude cussing everybody out this is the thing like food spots already do do stuff so I'm not saying deserve to be cussed out they do they deserve a good cussing every now and then because the thing they do now some of these fast food spots they love to charge you for sauce when you get nuggets you know you want an extra sauce with your nuggets it's gonna be you want another sauce brother it's gonna be 25 cents how you charging for sauce bro that's I want two sauces well I need a quarter you ever beat the guardian of the sauce this dude is serious and got a different color shirt from everybody else at work so now he arrogant well you know brother I'm supervisor now I sure know if it was up to me I would give you another sauce and it is up to you [Applause] I just want two sauces without paying for them that's all I want but I walked in this spot man this dude was cussing out the whole store well it was racism and I'm not saying that racism wasn't one of the causes for him getting bad service I'm just saying he jumped to that conclusion a little fast he didn't go through the progressions he ordered a six piece nugget it was five nuggets in the Box and I didn't even know what's going on I'm texting as soon as I walk in the door I'm texting I hear this dude I hit this dude over in the cut I hear this dude go I kill everybody in this thank you that that gave me pause this is it he'll kill everybody in this but I already had a foot in the door am I technically in this sir y'all can pull this foot out and go to Arby's yeah it ain't that deep [Applause] sport it was racism man y'all stole my name died away folks white folks don't want us to have don't my nugget then he gonna turn to me you see this brother you seek the government our nuggets today it's our children's nuggets tomorrow [Applause] and I'm trying to reason with the dude I'm like you sure they stole the Nugget they stole it that's that's what you're gonna roll with out the gate just off the top stolen because you know sometimes they might have forgot something you know sometimes the Nuggets be stuck together you got to go through the progressions you might have a double let's see if you've got this good luck you get the double nuggets you bike got one first [Applause] ain't no double nugget white folks is stolen if I was white I'd have got seven nuggets that's what I backed off I was like I can't help this dude I'm like look bro I know you mad and it's a lot of racial tension in the world but this ain't racism this is a fast food spot at two o'clock in the morning some of them folks back there can't count to six [Applause] you want six nuggets you need to order a four piece and a two-piece that's how you trick they ass and get two sauces for free [Applause] it's Golden Corral the dopest buff spot if you're not from the south or the Midwest you got to understand how serious this Buffet game is love buffet restaurants because when I was a kid and I could go to a buffet restaurant that was the first chance that you get to make your own plate that was adulthood that was a rite of passage as a kid when your mom trusts you to decide what you're gonna eat and you come back to the table with a broccoli ice cream burrito and she go what are you eating you go I'm grown Joyce shut up the buffet so I was 19 Tallahassee Florida I get hired at Golden Corral and one person I always love talking to I love talking to this dude big mix big mix worked The Carving Station he was slicing the meat and taste them right now there's nobody more focused in this world than a black man determined not to go back to jail because that's all big mix talked about big mix was in the carbon station s these he putting them rotisserie chickens on the big steak and putting them in the machine and the whole time all he talking about I'm telling you boy them white folks ain't gonna get me I follow the rules you want some meat okay okay you better watch out that young blood these rappers ain't playing around there lock your ass up ain't going back to jail he was a good dude and it was a good job and the thing they stressed was that everybody every server had to know not only the name of 100 customers but you also had to know two of their favorite Buffet items could not fake it you had to know and it seems like a daunting task but when you think about all the stupid ass song lyrics that are stuck in your head you can add more words to your brain like you you learn it and one day you're just walking through Golden Corral like a damn rain man and you just but there was one guy I could never crack because I could never find out his name I knew what he ate but I could never find out his name because he was too intimidating and he was one of those people you could never really break the ice with it's one of them big swole muscle ass dudes probably one of them you know when people work at a vitamin shop for too long you know if you ever seen employees at a Vitamin Shoppe and they just leave it in the back snorting protein powder for 10 years ago but I know what he ate though two whole rotisserie chickens a pitcher of water slice of carrot cake sure is three days a week for two and a half years I served this man never once learned his name and it's weird because even though I never knew his name I felt like I knew this man I felt like there was a connection and you know there's something to being silently connected with the person even without words because you know what they're about and that was something that I took for granted you know you get older and you forget about the importance of just being nice to people man and I look back at that time at Golden Corral with a lot of fondness because it was at a crossroad in my life where exactly the people I needed in my world were there I wish I'd have taken some of that advice I wish I'd listened to Big mix that's the one person whose advice I didn't take because I did get arrested I stole some jeans from a department store because I wanted to look fresh for homecoming and I don't know how to describe the Leon County Jail in Tallahassee to you but like you're sitting in a holding area waiting to be processed fingerprints and medical and they give you a jail uniform and I'm seeing inmates before me get processed and they're going into a door that leads into the main jail area and I hear the door open they walk through the door closes and then I just hear screaming just loud shrill just yeah and I'm like what the is happening behind that door because I know my turn is coming eventually so I get processed I give them a little jail uniform I got my little my little sandals I'm a little towel or whatever and I'm walking and the door opens for me I stepped through the door and I just hear this dude go hey so I stopped because I assume he's talking to me and I turn and in cell 20 there's a guy with his face pressed up against the glass and he should like this drool coming off the glass you the one been my mama [Music] this is his Icebreaker this is how he starts the conversation [Music] mama and you can't ignore it because if you ignore it that's the ultimate move so now I've got a man up I'm trying to just get my chest together and I'm all of 19 20 years old I'm scrawny I I just go I yell across the ring I go uh I do not know her sir I do not know her any bangs on the wall of the cell [Music] I hear dude up in like 25. he goes what up spit it come to your window Smitty look at this I'm looking at him ain't he the one that's been my mama I hear Smitty go nah he cool he used to hook up the chicken at Golden Corrals and I looked up there two chickens a pitcher of water and a carrot cake we just out here trying to live man that's all we're trying to do anything to feel good that's what we're after now but whatever you got to do to feel good do that like at this point life is basically a crab leg and we're just all trying to work that and trying to find that one little nugget to feel good inside that girl oh no oh I found a little feel good today I found just a little bit um smallest things will send you to the Moon you post a picture of yourself online somebody like you but so wow we're so addicted to that that our own face ain't even enough we've lost confidence in our own face don't put a picture of yourself online without putting a filter ing so okay that's the one on my post that's the one you gotta have dog years on your head why don't don't run from the truth don't be putting no filters on your pictures accept the truth your mama's a nine your dad is a two it is what it is stop putting filters on yourself they got one app they got one app this is wild they got an app where all it do is show you what you look like when you 80. that's it that's all it'll do nothing else you take a picture of yourself now as a young person and you put it in your phone and it was on a little 80. that's it have we lost that much hope that we need a sneak preview of old age like who is it there's a sneak preview of when you 80 who is this app for like well other than black men because we might not make it there but um you never know anything man women getting plastic surgery to feel good yeah resilient butt lifts that's what they doing fellas Brazilian butt lifts that's what the women are doing they're going down to South America you do you know what the Brazilian butt lift is they go down there and they slice your booty cheek open they slice your booty open and they take some of your belly and they put it in your ass and they Stitch you up and they put you on a Spirit Airlines flight back to the States [Applause] that's what they doing which is fine I'm not hating on plastic surgery if that's your crab leg work it out do what you do my problem is that women y'all only get the new ass and then you get on the internet and talk to men wow you attacking my self-esteem you got a belly booty congratulations go enjoy your belly booty but that's not what they do the women get the new ass and then you be bent over on Instagram look at all this ass do you have enough dicks with it no ma'am I don't I don't have enough I cannot reach it from this angle man you you put a foot of meat in front of you I cannot get to it from this wait you can't move the goal post and turn around and talk [Applause] and turn around they got to do it front ways that's the only way white people doing what they can to feel good now I see what you're doing out there white folks white allies that's what we got now black people white allies and you got to call them that they like that fight allies and we know you're a white Ally because you won't stop telling us that your job shut the up I just want you to know that I see you and I understand your journey and anytime you want to have a dialogue would you like to have a dialogue stop talking to your black friends about race talk to your forefathers call them up and I'm not trying to attack white folks I know you've done a lot of good I don't want you to think I'm taking nothing away from you and we've been seeing you out there putting in the work you got your shirts on with your little slogans you know pretty much whatever you stand for as a white person there's a slogan shirt for you black live and trans live and hats like a lot of merch y'all got a lot of merch in this Ally game right now which is cool because the merch the shirt does have to work for you now the shirt breaks the ice for you it's easy to be a white Ally now if you was a white Ally in the 90s you know how hard that was with no merch you just had to be nice to and grin at them and hope they figured it out you know how much pressure that is as a white person we can hold the elevator door open did you see what I did but you could be doing more white folks don't think that what you've done is enough we appreciate what you've done but you could do more dig deep and help out your goddamn black friends we seen what y'all was doing at the Capitol do that for us storm the capital for your black friends inside of every white person in this room is a capital rioter you should dig deep and find them you can storm the capital for a number of reasons that ain't got to be the only reason do it for us you think we even discuss that at the black men you think black people ain't discuss storming a government facility as one of the options for giving our freedom yeah but you cannot do that if you are black you can't just go grab a shotgun and go to DC and then boom where the freedom match you will get shot immediately immediately you will get a shot you'd get shot at the house booking the flight you wouldn't even you wouldn't even get to DC he's protest though you want to do something really meaningful go to a protest that has nothing to do with you personally that's what we're seeing more of I did that for the first time I did that for the first time I went to a Muslim ban protest man Banning the Muslims I went out there that's what they don't tell you when you go to a protest that ain't got to do with you you can just leave whenever you want I never knew that was an option because I only go to Blackpool I'm from Birmingham all we do is go to Black protest and when you had a black protest you there there's no leaving you think black church long go to a black protest better pack a snack and a diaper ain't no sneaking off I just left the Muslim man they wave see you later little thing I tried to tiptoe away from black protest I got two steps away from the group where you going brother the struggle is this way my bad fam that's on me I thought we was gonna make that left we're making a little okay struggles okay let's go this way okay okay you got to respect anybody that says somebody else's protest see a lot of that with black folks Man black women Man black women just be supporting folks bro it's amazing stay right now you see a black woman at your March give him a hug and twenty dollars and cover the Uber ride home Uber black because black people will be perfectly Justified and not showing up to anybody else's March we ain't got to show up to your if you to listen to us you wouldn't even be marching because it happened us first half the stuff you marching about happened to black people first was trying to tell you see a black person at a March that doesn't have anything to do with them that is a gracious giving soul because black people will be perfectly Justified and only tend into issues affecting the black community we could fill our calendar just walking for black issues from crime to Poverty to unemployment to Home Loans like we ain't got the time man to be helping everybody so when people make the time that's a blessing why you think black superheroes only save black people [Applause] they're busy they got the time to say the rest of the world [Applause] the luxury that a white superheroes have my neighborhood's great what else is going on out here in the world black superheroes got to focus on they block I watched Luke Cage Luke cage is my show lovely cakes Luke Cage if you don't know nothing about common books for superheroes Luke Cage is this TV show about an indestructible black man the brothers bulletproof super strength he'll throw a truck at you like a football you would think with his resume he would be somewhere with Iron Man trying to save the universe this never leaves Harlem he ain't got the time whole TV show eight blocks that's all it is Luke Cage ain't got time to be saving everybody he ain't got time to go to Hell's Kitchen to help Daredevil that's how busy Luke Cage is can't even take the one line [Applause] Luke Cage don't care about the rest of the world Luke Cage is like look until Thanos come by the Apollo Theater that ain't none of my business sweet Christmas you gotta respect a white person work at a Black History Museum you gotta respect that that was a choice he white he could work anywhere he chose a black history museum you know that job interview was a son of a how many extra questions did he have to answer because you black and old it ain't to work at the Civil Rights Museum you just walk in uh that's me on the picture you filling out paperwork for you on the wall but if you white you know they just grilling that dude asking them all kinds of questions they had nothing to do with black history all in that dude face paperwork looks good everything checks out real quick uh at what temperature do you deep fry catfish [Applause] 350 as well okay that's more [Applause] I know some folks got a problem with that you don't want a white person at a black history museum I understand that here's the thing I told God I think a black tour guide at a Civil Rights Museum I think they better equipped to speak on the experience because they might have lived that life they can speak to certain exhibits from a perspective that nobody else can I just think if you go to a Black History Museum and you got a black tour guide you need to go in the morning while he's still in a good mood [Applause] that brother is stressed you can't walk around slavery all day for eight hours and not cuss at somebody somebody getting cussed you got to catch him at 9am he just finished at McGriddle how y'all doing my name is Charles it's my pleasure to take you over this journey look at these exhibits right so black history of American History come look at the exhibits you think that brother gonna be in a good mood at 4 30 he been staring at slavery [Applause] I do liable to cuss out everybody look at this come look what you've done to us that's what you've done to us look what you get your ass out my museum you go to the gift shop it's just people crying that's hard it's scary Dope Boys in Birmingham were nice to me man they hated the lady that lived between us this lady this lady missed Turner Miss Turner was the sweet old white lady she was like 70 years old and she had lived in West End long before black people in the crack epidemic and everything so she was on the people that just wasn't gonna go and the dudes in the crack house used to break in Mr Ernest house once a month and just whoop her ass 70 year old lady that whoop her ass because she would call noise complaints on them for smoking crack too loud that's that was her only complaint like if you would think if you run a crack house you would have the decency to appreciate that just she wants you to do it quietly that's all just Hey listen when you're holding the sucking dick in the backyard for crap what your mind just doing it quietly it was the only time I knew that these drug dealers were bad people that they had something evil inside of them even if they never showed it to me even in college I had good relationships with drug dealers even when I started doing comedy great relationship with drug dealers they make amazing relationship with drug dealers until Dothan Alabama 2002. there's something that drug dealers do that you all need to know it's actually pretty ingenious so like imagine like if you're a drug dealer and the police bust you and they take your money and they take your product now you have no way to restart your business so what drug dealers down south would do is promote a comedy show pre-sale tickets take the pre-sale money buy a brick of cocaine flip the brick and take the profits and pay the talent hold the comedy show boom you right back in the dope game no problems it's brilliant it's a Flawless business model to reset your business if you can sell the cocaine before the show we get to Dothan Alabama me and four of the Comedians and we get to this gig and we already know something's up because the dope dealer is talking with his hands too much hey man how y'all doing y'all good all right look all right look check all right look Pete hey look man come inside man all right we gotta holler let me holla at you man let me highlight you and he explains to us the situation hey Bro Look hey we supposed to pay you all right all right look look hey look we supposed to pay y'all but we can't pay y'all cause we ain't flipped the brick you feel me because we we caught the brick we took that money from the presale we bought a brick Nick's supposed to come down from goddamn Atlanta came down about a brick yet from Atlanta so all we got is a brick so check this out check this all right look we need y'all to do the show all right do the show we ain't got no money we can't get no refunds to the people out there and we ain't got no money to pay y'all so this is what we gonna do all right look if you undo the show do the show and then I'm gonna shoot you the bread and Western Union all right do the show right now and then I'm gonna shoot you the bread Western Union or or if you want going out back Holly Oak Oka pinch you a little bit off the brick you can flip that make twice what she was gonna make tonight these are our only options in the strip club at 7 30 at night in Dothan Alabama he leaves the room promoter leaves your room and we huddling up we trying to figure out what we gonna do so promoter comes back in he's all right What's it gonna be and we still at home what are you gonna do I don't know he go I this since y'all can't decide goddamn imma decide for y'all any pulls out of Glock 40 extendo clip ain't nobody leaving this room till you go on stage and do them goddamn jokes after you do them jokes imma get your government name and imma send you a Western Union and pay you what the you supposed to get I'll call the heat I'm gonna open the show the promoter leaves to start the comedy show and this goon oak oak is just standing there with a Glock 40 extendo clip just yeah y'all stay right here don't nobody leave it do you tell them jokes and I'm opening that I'm only supposed to make 150 I'm going up second so I think fast and I text this chick I say hey call me back in 90 seconds she said cool and I go on my phone under contacts and I change your name to Mama and I set the phone out on the table so can see it so you can see phone and I'm I'm just chilling I'm sipping my beer and I'm just waiting phone star ring I'm gonna Oak got the 40 Glock here you look at the phone which one of you mama calling right now he said oh that's me that's me yeah that's me I pick up the phone what what [Music] no no no and I ran out the Green Room oh I ran because it's rules to this no matter what every dope boy respects his mama so you're not gonna let me not talk to my mama I ran out that green room to my 2000 Ford Focus started to endure them gone back to Birmingham that I'm not doing the show three-hour drive from Dothan back to Birmingham I'm getting a phone call every 15 minutes and I keep sending it to voicemail I'm not gonna answer I don't want to know who it is I know what it's about I don't want to answer I get home that night I check my voicemail I got 15 voicemails message fun received at 7 52 pm hey where you at man about your turn it's your turn man about your turn to get up on the stage and trying to see where you're at just here hit me back man my baby what's good at it hahaha message too received at 802 p.m yeah but I don't know where yet man but we was just waiting on you to go so tell you what I'm gonna put one more up and then we're gonna put you on stage so we just gotta skip you but you Dex wherever you at you just need to come on because you next Oak said something was wrong with your mom or something man my heart go out to your mama man prayers you know what I'm saying prayers up man prayers up for your mamas you know come on back inside do the show and then go and check on your mama all right then message eight received at 902 p.m hey I tell you what how do you ass Birmingham hey stare you Birmingham all y'all do is lie you come down here to the D and take money I told you I was gonna Western Union yo the Buddy [Applause] message 11. received at 907 p.m I put you on the flyer [Applause] I'll put you on the flyer so two days go by and I'm on the radio I was a co-host of the morning show in Birmingham so I get on the air and I tell the story of everything that you've heard just now what I forgot was at the time 95 7 jams in Birmingham had boosted their transmitter signal to reach further into rural Alabama so you could hear the 95 7 jams Morning Show in Dothan we get a call 95 7 who's this I drive up to Birmingham and beat your ass I put you on the fire and now you talking don't with my reputation we did a good ass show them folks had a good ass time and rjl entertainment will rise above you and right before he hangs up the phone I hear a lady in the background go thank you for using Western Union that goes unsung in my opinion is evil white actors in civil rights movies [Applause] these are unsung heroes what's the thing if you're gonna have a black struggle movie and you're gonna tell the truth that means you have to show some heinous happening and to show Hannah happening that means you need white actors being terrible on camera you gotta have it and I've met some of these white actors he's a good normal ass white boys they got to walk on set all nice and then just turn on the racism you know what kind of pressure they under you got to walk on set say for 12 hours gotta eat lunch by yourself nobody talks to you gotta walk on set all chipper and hey good morning how you doing gay guys hey director good to see you hey Denzel good to see you too we ready and action you are okay we gotta go again oh I'm sorry there's hell we gotta go again I don't want to if you gonna tell the history of my people the right way every now and then you need a white actor being a heinous on that camera you're telling me Leo DiCaprio didn't kill it and Django Unchained Leonardo DiCaprio transformed in that movie that's one of the bravest white allies I've ever seen in my life turned into an evil ass enslaver call Jamie Foxx a to his face to his face not an empty chair but like they do CGI Jamie Foxx later Jamie Foxx was in that room and Leo was right there and they'd be grabbing Kerry Washington and by the hair just being disrespectful put ten toes in the ground and call Jamie Foxx a to his face in front of Samuel L Jackson [Applause] bravery and all they do they let us say oh Tom Cruise does his own stunts well so does Leonardo DiCaprio that's a wild stunt right next to Samuel L Jackson look Jamie Foxx dead in the face you said you would be willing to pay an exorbitant amount of money for what you considered to be the right well it would seem to me this lady right here is indeed the right same dude from Titanic y'all [Applause] information this dude went from Titanic to the enslaver near far way after Django this is what the sacrifice Leonardo DiCaprio made after Django Unchained in 2012 it was almost 10 years before he did another scene with a black co-star that's how they I'm not calling the man racist he's done movies with every minority you can he did a movie with it back he's a solid dude but he knew he knew when he made that movie Once you call Jamie Foxx and Kerry Washington in front of Samuel L Jackson you got to lay low for a decade and that sacrifice if anybody know Leo tell him he can come home tell him it's time food boycotts are the toughest for me wrestling boycotts I can do no problem you tell me not to buy a shirt from a store cool you say don't watch the NFL cool I'm a dolphins fan I ain't missing nothing so that's easy for me but when you say food that's a whole nother world there's only one company that I think makes food good enough to maybe maybe navigate outrage it's one company I think might be close to being boycott proof is McDonald's McDonald's is delicious I'm sorry I know some of y'all got money now you eat hummus so you got bread whatever but don't act like McDonald's was it the sustenance of your childhood you ungrateful like Ronald McDonald ain't have your back McDonald's is delicious this is how good this is how delicious bacon is it that's how delicious McDonald's is McDonald's recently started giving us all white meat chicken nuggets and stopped to ask what the [Applause] nug we just can't eat them it's all white meat now oh it's in jail McDonald's is delicious they got that damn McRib some of y'all act like you're too good for them at career man you're not arrogant you got to be as a company to just offer a sandwich and then just take it away when you feel like you could be a McDonald's scratching you ain't got when they coming back baby women McDonald's might be boycott proof I don't know man because here's what McDonald's does McDonald's does some smart that no other company does like McDonald's has figured out a way to always address issues in the black community they always in the hood McDonald's got a Twitter account separate from regular McDonald's where all they do is talk to black people this is what McDonald's says this is what McDonald's is slick as hell McDonald's got a commercial where all they do everything they did for black people that year no other company does that no other companies I can think of has the Negro recap commercial every year it comes on during black TV shows so white people I'm sure ain't none of y'all seen it but this is a real commercial and I'm not talking about the black McDonald's commercial I'm not talking about something with a nugget talking about yeah you know not that this is a totally separate commercial there's no music they're not trying to sell you anything it's no crazy camera angles and moves it's just a kid flipping burgers a little high school kid working the grill and then you just hear a Voice come on the commercial did you know McDonald's and the United Negro College Fund 40 million dollars to send these kids to college if it wasn't for McDonald's people like Tans here might still be robbing your ass ain't that right turns [Applause] [Music] McDonald's it's brilliant it's brilliant marketing so the next time a black person get knocked out at a McDonald's They just gonna be like hey look we send Terence to college McDonald's does so much with the black community man the boycott wouldn't be instant there would be a conversation they do the McDonald's All-American Game every year if you're not up on Sports the McDonald's All-American Game every year McDonald's takes 24 of the best high school basketball players puts them in the same gym in front of pro Scouts College Scouts foreign Scouts giving them an opportunity to take their talents to feed their family and change the trajectory of their whole namesakes Taco Bell ain't never done no like that for us at this point McDonald's could just show a commercial of black people doing anything and just put a voice over to it and they take credit for it and black people would be like that's all right Mateo it could be anything it could be your brother just be two dudes just shooting dice in an alley just did you know McDonald's gave this boy parents half a kilo to get back on his feet and he took that kilo and flipped it a couple of times and now he's got the best dope in the city ain't that right Terence [Music] Arby's ain't never done that McDonald's is delicious McDonald's so good McDonald's be the first restaurant black people would have to boycott one sandwich at a time we wouldn't quit McDonald's cold turkey you know every other boycott you just canceled the whole store old black lady get knocked out when them black leaders come on TV it's been brought to our attention that McDonald's likes to punch all black people in the face well until we get we the black people will no longer be eating the McChicken just to make chicken until we get answers McDonald's is delicious something's wrong man just don't be one of these people that's surprised that black folks got issues then the people I can't deal with I'd rather talk to somebody that don't agree with me than somebody has had their eyes closed how did you know black people why are black people angry we've been angry this ain't new you think this just happened last couple of years black folks been trying to tell y'all forever that they've had some issues and we sat we invented the Blues what more of a sign that you leave we literally invented an entire genre of music based on sadness that's how sad we the blues was created here that is an American art form that is not native Africa do you go listen to Old African music this has happened because we was free every old Africans [Applause] as soon as we got off the slave ship foreign [Applause] how the hell are you surprised you're not patriotic the black people don't like the national anthem anymore I ain't no shock to you man you want to know what black folks feeling just listen to their music our music tell you everything is going on in the black psyche it's a beautiful Telegram and nowhere in the history of black music is there a hit patriotic song I mean what we do I mean we'll cover a song but like we don't write no original patriotic song black artists ain't never because we got a conflicted relationship with the country you can't write no honest patriotic song you got to leave that to White the artist they ain't had a good time you had a good time in America you're damn right you should be writing the Patriotic and I'm proud to be in America oh okay maybe serious You couldn't possibly expect that level of patriotism from a race of people that have so many issues you can't it's not realistic black people don't we don't sing about America we sing about specific cities where you can have a good ass time that's what we do we don't talk about the country we can tell you where the party at though we can do that look I can't tell you nothing about America but let me tell you about the city where the heat is on all night on the beach to the early Mall welcome to Miami that's what you got to do you have been to California oh my god well you had to go down to California boy boy California knows how to party the city of L.A the city of good old watch and the city of Compton they keep it rocking write that down trying to tell you you keep it rocking black people don't do patriotism maybe George on my mind that's the closest we probably come maybe that maybe that that's a good song it's warm it's about the country Ray Charles George on my mind good song Black the key word next song is on my mind Ray Charles was just thinking about Georgia he didn't tell you to go there [Applause] George is like every other part of the South it's got some Pockets you should not be in after dark if you'd have asked Ray Charles to be more specific on where in Georgia to go he'd have said go to Atlanta where the players play and they ride on them things like every day my uncle Derek trying to shut me down on them what about Jane Brown live [Music] Living in America [Music] it's a good song but keep it real man James Brown wrote that song for Rocky IV and as soon as he finished singing that Apollo Creed died in the ring it's a sad song it's a sad song how can you hear Living in America not think about Apollo Creed just Fallen lifeless to them Michael B Jordan lost his daddy that day [Applause] if anything Living in America is not patriotic it's the opposite it's a secret message to black people James Brown is one of the most masterful musicians to ever walk this Earth dude it's a brilliant song that song ain't got nothing to do with America that entire song Living in America is a secret message to black folks all you do listen to the end of the song very end of Living in America all James Brown do it should start naming cities that's it enter the song Living in America New Orleans Detroit City Dallas Pittsburgh Kansas City look he's just naming safe places for black folks that's Showtime at the Apollo I lost a couple Seasons The Last Comic Standing the worst one the worst good ripping for me was 2003 the star search reboot hosted by Arsenio Hall audition for this show and I won the first week and I'm going into that semi-final week I'm arrogant I'm in my trailer I'm walking around I got all my jokes printed out and I got a highlight I'm just picking jokes yeah I'm gonna do that joke and I'm gonna hit him with this joke I'm gonna hit him with the Hulk Hogan that's what's going to get them do that Hulk Hogan oh yeah brother yeah yeah yeah deck was stacked against me celebrity guest judges for my semi-final episode of Star Search was J Boog and raspy from the hip group B2K 2K they were the popular boy band at the time you don't know who B2K is it's basically it's like four black ass Justin Bieber's and they were good they made boy band music but I'm nervous because that's not who I write my comedy for 14 year old millionaire s that's not my Target demographic I go up there on stage in front of 8.3 million Americans according to Nielsen research and I proceed to lay the biggest turd ever shacked on the CBS network judges ripped me I do the Hulk Hogan joke your brother crickets and now the judges get to tell you why the joke didn't I know it didn't work I was just standing there I'm aware that I was not funny just now I know I was not funny I don't need to stand here and have Naomi Judd tell me why I'm not funny we get to B2K and they just chilling like they just chilling they slouched in the damn chair so I already know it's about to be the they rubbing their little goatee I would give you zero stars but ain't no button for that one and something in my brain click something in my brain click these 14 year olds just crushed my ego in front of 8.3 million people according to Nielsen research and something in my head was just like beat they ass yeah beat that ass you should beat their ass so in my head I'm like cool you know it's got to beat their ass they only 10 feet away the judge's chairs are not far it's two steps in the choking I can get there and as I go to lift my first leg off the ground to go and assault to 14 year olds on national tv as I go to lift my leg off the ground Arsenio Hall smooth as grabs me by the back of my blazer and just goes [Music] [Applause] um save my whole career cause I was on him and he knew because he's black he's got the Instinct he saw the tremble and he knew I was about to go over there and put hands on them boys [Music] I get eliminated we go to commercial break and I talked to my friend John Heffron John Heffron great comedian from Detroit he was also on the episode with me he got eliminated too so we're both in full B2K mode two grown men versus two 14 year olds like we are Furious so we go to a bar in Hollywood and we just get shit-faced drunk on tequila and then right across from this bar is an Amoeba Records it's a huge used record store and DVDs and all that one beautiful store and I decided to go into Amoeba Records and I go to the r b section and I gather every B2K CD that I can find and I go and I hide them in the gospel section of the store you little mother nobody buying your at this store I'm checking the computer it says we have 48 copies I don't know what they're not Becca so what happened over the next two years was me anytime I was in any record store in America I would just hide B2K CDs like somewhere in a Circuit City or Best Buy there's a dude that just found two B2K CDs underneath the couch in the surround sound section and it's not stealing I didn't deface the property I just relocated it so it's not a crime those were the little petty things I did because they on me on national TV in front of 8.3 million Americans according to Nielsen research and it didn't stop there my one-way battle with these two teenagers continue for years that's what B2K didn't know about me B2K didn't know that I was the morning show producer of the number one hip-hop Morning Show in the state of Alabama every morning for four years after I got eliminated off Star Search I would walk into 95 7 jams in Birmingham Alabama and I would pull up the music log for the morning and anywhere there was a B2K song that showed up in our music log I clicked and I dragged that to the recycle bin brother you little mother [Music] [Applause] [Music]

Channel: Comedy Central Stand-Up

Views: 2,441,894

Keywords: stand up, comedy central stand up featuring, stand up comedy, comedy central stand up, comedy, comedians, funny, funny video, comedy videos, jokes, funny jokes, funny clips, laugh, humor, best comedy, best stand up, Roy Wood Jr, Roy Wood Jr comedy, protests, mcdonalds, national anthem, Father figure, no one loves you, imperfect messenger, this is not happening, black superheroes, black history museum, Leonardo dicaprio, Django unchained, golden corral, drugs, b2k, boy bands

Id: Js_PZVsW0g8

Length: 66min 46sec (4006 seconds)

Published: Tue Aug 01 2023