The Democrats. Now, you guys may be too young
to remember this. Back in the day,
they used to run these streets. At one time,
they had everything. They had the House, the Senate, and a black president
who spoke English. Anyway, after eight years
of impotence, the House Democrats
are back in command. -And it turns out...
-(cheering and applause) and it turns out that they won
the election so hard last week that they're still picking up
seats. Every day,
we learn of a new seat that the Democrats have won. Basically, the elections
have turned from a one-day event into the credits
of a Marvel movie. It just never ends. It's like,
"Well, that was a great mo-- "Oh, there's more? Oh, okay. "Another one. I got--
Oh, oh, still more? "All right, all right.
We-- I guess we have-- "Oh, I only paid
for five hours of parking. (chuckles)
Okay." So, so now that the Democrats
are back in control of the House, they're making
some big plans for next year. REPORTER: Winning the majority
gives Democrats the power to set
the House agenda. REPORTER 2: Democrats winning
control of the House makes Nancy Pelosi
the presumptive speaker. She's already laid out her
top three policy priorities: campaign finance
and ethics reform, lower drug prices,
and infrastructure. Thanks to you, tomorrow will be
a new day in America. (applause and cheering) "Yeah, a new day in America! "Not so new
that I'm not still in charge, "but still kind of new! New-ish. The new show on ABC." Now, look, I joke about Nancy
being in charge for a long time, but she is right. There is a lot of new faces
coming into Washington. In fact, the incoming
freshman class of Democrats is being called
the most diverse ever. Check out this photo.
Look at that. That's who's coming in.
That is so diverse, it's insane. (applause and cheering) It looks like... It looks like a stock photo
in a college brochure. That's what it looks like. And it's not just the Democrats.
The Republicans have also welcomed their most diverse
group ever. Look at that, huh?
Look at that. They have...
they have old white guys, they've got young white guys,
they've got bald white guys, they've got balding white guys,
they got white guys with hair, they got the white guy from SNL. And the one guy
who I think is Latino, but if they start
rounding them up, I'm pretty sure
he's going to be white. So many different types
of white guys. But the Democrats
will have the power to investigate
the Trump administration, and they're definitely planning
to use that power. Democrats have flipped control
of the House, and thus, Washington is bracing for
an onslaught of investigations. Democrats are loading what they
are calling a "subpoena canon" with more
than 85 Trump targets. Come January,
we get subpoena power. We can subpoena relevant
documents, subpoena witnesses. And it's really too late
for Donald Trump to put the horse
back in the barn. Wow. Subpoena canon.
Poor Trump. For the next two years,
he's gonna be in subpoena hell. There's gonna be subpoenas popping out at him
for everywhere. Gonna be opening up
his KFC bucket. "Drumstick? No subpoena." Reaching for a towel
in the bathroom. "Aah! Subpoena! Damn you!" Every night, he's gonna wake up
in a cold sweat. Like, "Aah, subpoena! "Melania,
I had the scariest dream. I thought...
Oh, it's a subpoena!" (laughter) "Are you in the mood, subpoena?" And if you're wondering
what specifically the Democrats will investigate
Trump over-- uh, his taxes,
collusion with Russia-- the answer is "yes." "Yes" to everything. And listening
to the future chairwoman of the powerful
House Appropriations Committee, it seems like
they're really gonna enjoy it. Should the majority look
into these issues related to President Trump
that has come up? -The Space Force?
-Yes. -James Comey's firing?
-Yes. -The travel ban?
-Yes. -The family separation policy?
-Absolutely. -Hurricane relief
in Puerto Rico? -Oh! White House staff
use of personal e-mail? Oh, for sure. I wish I enjoyed sex as much as
she enjoys investigating Trump. (laughter) "Mmm. Absolutely. Oh, for sure." Now, look, I-I hope for her sake
and for the Democrats that the plan isn't just
to run around investigating all
of Trump's flaws, right? Because, although there are
many issues worth investigating, things like Space Force
don't rise to that level. And Democrats need
to be strategic about what they investigate. Because Republicans have already
come up with a response. WOMAN:
President Trump tweeting about what his future
could hold under a Democrat-controlled
House. "The prospect
of presidential harassment by the Dems is causing the
stock market big headaches." Using the same term Senate Majority Leader Mitch
McConnell used just last week. The Democrats in the House
will have to decide just how much
presidential harassment they think is good strategy. I'm not so sure
it'll work for them. Wow. Mitch McConnell
is brilliant. It's no longer
congressional oversight. Now it's
"presidential harassment. Mah. Yeah, they're harassing
the president. Uh, uh." How can the most powerful man
in the world be the victim? This is like God complaining
about being bullied. "They said I look like Santa." (laughter) (crying): "And that's why
I sent the volcano." But, look, we joke around, but presidential harassment
is a serious issue in America. (laughter) Which is why,
before the Democrats take power, they're gonna have
to watch this video. If you're watching this, you just won back
the House of Representatives. Congrats, socialists. But before you take charge, here's what you need
to know about... presidential harassment. For starters, don't try to touch
the president's intimate areas, like his tax returns. That's a private area
that's reserved for the president's wife
and his Russian investors. Oh. On the other hand,
do look for cues that you're making the president
uncomfortable. Watch his body language
to see if he becomes protective of his space.
In this way, the president is
a lot like a rabid raccoon. And finally,
do let him harass you. And believe me,
he will harass you. That may seem unfair, but think
of the president as a stripper. He can touch you,
but you can't touch him, even if you fell in love
with her six years ago, bought her a car. So there you have it. Creating a comfortable work
environment for the president is easy as long as you just do
whatever he wants. And if you ever wonder, should
you impeach the president, think of this helpful acronym-- "N" as in "No." Guess
we just could have said "no." That concludes the presidential
harassment seminar. Up next: Jared--
what exactly does he do again? Michael Kosta, everyone.
