Dave Allen - Sex - 1993 - Part 1

thank you one of the uh one of the criticisms continually leveled at uh television is the emphasis on sex sex rears its ugly head and allegedly corrupts the morality of the young talking about human sex what about animal sex doesn't that corrupt all those nature programs that go out before 8 o'clock in the evening i've seen sex on the mountains i've seen it in the snow i've seen it in the sky the desert the jungle on trees and beneath the sea i've seen hippos humping rabbits rogering sharks shafting gorillas groping frogs fornicating bees bats bears and bamboos bonking i've seen sex on the wing i've seen it on the hoof i've seen it on the fin i've seen a series of devices maneuvers foreplay sexual dexterity and weaponry that would make your mind boggle animal animal sex makes reading the maki of sad like reading beaches potter we don't compare we can't compare with the animals we think we're sophisticated we're humans we have uh supposed sophistication we have crossdressing cedar masochism fetishes fantasies fetishes just kind of go from shoes to gloves to handbags to plastic to leather to rubber can you imagine that butter margarine you woke up there madam didn't you imagine getting turned on by a rubber glove full of margarine sex is the most talked about written about and studied subject in the world we are surrounded by researchers digging into every aspect of sexual activity we have statisticians continually updating data regarding sexual behavior and attitudes do you realize that you and i stand here tonight every second eleven thousand people proceed to make love now that took me five seconds to say that so that means there's another 55 000 now i think we should stop this nonsense and join them eleven thousand people every second how do you see that i mean in your mind's eye how do you see do you see little rooms all over the place cars people in fields i actually see the world in outer space that's how i see it it's just a big globe on this hundreds of thousands of little bubbly bottoms there's a martian spaceship hovering we'll never be able to land it's always on the move look at that we're told we're told that the uh the population of the world continues to populate itself that's the way it's going by the year 2020 there will be standing room only that'll put a stop to it on it can you imagine the whole of the human race standing belly to belly and you're on the edge of a cliff and somebody in the middle starts to make love those tremors the average married couple have 1.9 children what in the name of christ is 0.9 of a child but we all accept it we pass this piece of information on to each other none of a child yeah how many children do you have i have two is this them yes that's the eldest one the other one he's got my head what he is he's got no head there's no need to whisper he can't hear you either how how do you feed him i just shove it down that hole in between your shoulders what's he gonna do when he leaves school politics people take sex very serious it's always you see it in movies or anything like that it's all serious it's always on oh you know you ever seen anybody smile ever see anybody humping and smiling surely you should be smiling you should be enjoying yourself people have orgasms they go oh oh god oh oh oh they smell like they're in bloody i didn't eat oh oh why aren't they going i'm having a great time what's all this yes crap where does that come from yes yes yes yes oh no no no no and god comes into it too just god yes god god oh god oh god god good what do muslims say they go allah jewish people do they go jehovah yahuwah obey yohuma what about atheists flying they're humping and going nobody nobody agnostics anybody somebody anybody coming too late the reality of it we're not like that make love how was that for you what i just made love did you yes i had an orgasm oh i wonder why i dropped a stitch condoms there's another thing now condoms used to be just condoms now there's a whole industry jesus i mean enormous condoms nobody condoms look like something like warts all over your dick double headers can you imagine imagine wearing a double head of refracting [ __ ] out of you wouldn't it now they have condoms that glow in the dark can you imagine putting one of these things on and going to see your wife what's that what's wrong with you you've been near that nuclear reactor haven't you it's a glowing condom chlorine condom turn the light out it does it glows jump up and down go and jump up and down jump up run around the room you look like a firefly mother come in and have a look at this fireflies you could stand by the window and send out sos as i said your wife's wife waking you up in the middle of the night put your condom on gonna make love no the fuses are gone i want to finish this chat told it fema females females have sex according to statisticians two and a half times a week now that's the figure that's what they say don't don't look at me this is what they say two and a half they don't say five times a fortnight and you can work it out twice this week and three times next week or three times this week or four times this week or once next week or whatever then don't do that two and a half i asked that lady there come that lady in greece do you make love what are you mad i'm a ventriloquist i'm talking to her she's have you in all your life ever made love half no but i just i just i mean to me i wanna i wonder what happens you see i mean two and a half something must happen the phone rang making love to your wife and the child come home from school hello mommy hello daddy what are you doing fire alarm went off boy you're making love in the bath and you slip under the water making love your dog with his cold nose sniff uranus jesus where did they get these figures from how do they get to fit are we i mean are we as a human race are we surrounded by people spying on us next door neighbors listening to every every sound that comes out of the house reporting you to sex departments hello oh is that the sex department yes that's my favorite money relief my name is screwing again yes yes oh he stopped it there must be a half other sex detector vans wandering up and down the suburbs great big antenna on the top of the roof following the back that's where i live what's going on in there you

Channel: 84RobThe

Views: 799,010

Rating: 4.7839236 out of 5

Keywords: Dave, Allen, 1993

Id: X7tqytcVS-4

Length: 11min 57sec (717 seconds)

Published: Wed May 09 2012