If you're watching this video, you've been
a very naughty person. I have learned some of your
deepest, darkest secrets. And with this knowledge, I have
the ability to ruin your world But it needn't come to that. It's possible I could
forget a thing or two if you're willing
to compensate me. I'm 100% serious. Pay me now, or I will share this
with the world. Are my eyes blue? -Are you trying to blackmail me? -"Blackmail" is an ugly word I prefer "extortion." -Why are you doing this? -How much will you pay me
to find out? -Creed, this is low.
-Easy on the sass. We're just two amigos
having a conversation. Comprende?
-[ Speaks Spanish ] -What? Let's switch back
to English for a sec. -Okay, just spit it out.
What do you have on me? -Why don't I just show you -What is it? -Well, I don't remember exactly, but I'm sure
you're not gonna like it. Oh, yeah. The sex tape. Okay, there's you.
Your little friend. And this is where it gets good -He spliced in footage
from the film "Milk." Totally ruined Gus Van Sant'
masterpiece for me. This is pathetic. You're pathetic. -Well, that's
just plain mean, man. The world's a different place than the one my grandchildren
grew up in. This is an age of information
where truth is a commodity I tried to get money
out of lies. Shame on me. From now on, I'm only extorting
people who I have real dirt on -Oh. -Juicy, huh? I hope this doesn't affect
our friendship. -What are you
gonna do with this? -It depends on you, my friend. You can make
a small contribution to the William Charles Schneider
memorial fund, you can make this all go away,
or else... -You're gonna kill me? -That's probably
the wrong gesture. I was trying to indicate that
it would be very bad for you -That was the wrong gesture,
'cause that is like k-- It's like I'm gonna
slit your throat. -No, I'm not gonna do that -If it's bad, you just be like
"Unh-unh." You know, like...
-Alright, alright. Enough of this small talk, okay? Are you going to pay me or not -I don't know, Creed. I'm, like, really freaked out
and confused. -Make up your mind quickly Or else... -I don't know what I'm gonna do,
and I'm freaking out. And I haven't freaked out about
a decision like this since.. I had to choose between
Here Comes Treble, Treble in Paradise,
The Trebleshooters, and The Finger Lake Maestros -What's it gonna be? -Oh, wow! You're so gratuitously creepy,
Creed. Do you know that?
-Thank you. -You know what it's gonna be In about two seconds, you're not gonna have anything
to lord over me. Excuse me. I have an announcement to make And that announcement is,
look at this. Okay?
Just look! Yes, I do have a tattoo. I got it during
my semester at sea. -You have a tramp stamp? -No, Kelly,
I don't have a tramp stamp No, I don't have a tramp stamp Yes, it does happen
to be on my lower back. Yes, it does mean Nard Dog No, I don't regret it. Yes, I am having it
laser removed. -This blackmail game
is hard work. I'm gonna need a little nap. -Frank is finally paying me
child support. No. Jake's biological
father is, too. [ Laughs ] Yeah. I bought myself
a kegerator. Well, we kind of
got to drink at home 'cause I can't drive anymore
'cause of my DUI. -I feel great after that nap
Totally refreshed. Ready to blackmail
that Indian chick. Hey, girl.
We don't talk much anymore -I know! Oh, my God. I'm so angry with my sisters
right now. -Why don't we talk about
this picture? I don't think you want anybody
to see this. -Creed, this is the profile
picture on my MySpace page I kissed a girl, and...
I didn't really like it, but I do love the attention
that the photo gets me. -According to
your Twitter report, you skipped work and went
to a Honas Brothers concert in Philadelphia. -Do you mean the Jonas Brothers? -I believe the "J" is silent Oh, I've been taking some
introductory Spanish classes down at the community hall Comprende, amigo? And if you want me to be silent, I'm gonna need a little
something from you. -Creed, I cannot lose my job I have so much credit card debt. -I want a helicopter. -I can't afford that! -Well, then I want commodities I want gold, oil, political
capital, four-leaf clovers bones, information, uranium. -Do you mean information
like facts? -No. Like gossip. -What do you want to know? -Who's Pastor Davis? -You can't do this to us. We're all going to stand united
against you. -We're going to report you -You don't have the balls. -You want to see balls?
Watch this. Toby! Please come in here. Creed has been blackmailing
all of us, and now you need
to do something about it. -They're all liars!
And they will pay up. -This is a serious accusation. I can't do anything
without proof. -We have proof.
-We have proof. -There's some guidelines
about this, and I don't -- Because of -- Mmm... -What?
What are you saying? -It's just more of a m-mumble. -Did you just say
the word "mumble"? -I think I was clear. -I have an idea. I realized something.
There's got to be dirt on Creed. -What's the dealio?
You schmucks decide to pay me? -Creed, we've learned a thing
or two about your past. Interested? I spent some time online
searching "Creed Bratton." And I found enough for
a pretty strong presentation -According to this interview
you were Janis Joplin's dealer Years later,
you moved to Shanghai to make anti-democracy films -Confucius is a fool!
We grow fat on greed! -When you returned to the U.S. you introduced
the walking snakehead fish into the North American
ecosystem. -True. -On several occasions, you've thrown raves
in our warehouse! Notice Creed Bratton, known to the kids
as "Papa Smurf." -Alright, let's stop it
right there. The statute of limitations
is 50 years. Most of this stuff
is irrelevant right now. -You have as much to lose
as we do. -I'm going to set myself on fire
if you don't pay me. -What?! -Do you want this
on your conscience? -Creed!
Who has time for this?! -I got time.
-Wow. -What? -I didn't want to pay
on principle, but I think Creed
really needs some money. All he wants is $6 or its equivalent in
postage stamps or canned goods -You know, I give up.
It's not worth a day. -Who can loan me 6 bucks? -Creed, I'm gonna get
my checkbook, okay? -Well, now I can buy that
helicopter I've always wanted. An amazing price. And I'm gonna fly that sucker
down to Brazil, head down the Amazon. Apparently there's the world's
largest bookstore there.
Is this like a deleted episode?