Coparenting With A Narcissist Is Impossible

The question I get asked most often from  people who are in a situation where they   have some sort of joint custody arrangement  with the narcissistic ex is how do I protect   my children from their destructive and abusive  behavior and this in my opinion is the most   difficult thing for any loving parent to deal  with because the short answer is that you can't   and I know the thought of leaving your kids alone  with them is killing you because you want nothing   more than to protect your children and keep them  healthy and safe but in reality there are very few   circumstances where you will be able to protect  your children from their narcissistic parent   what you can do though is preserve your own sanity  your own well-being so you can give your children   at least one safe healthy and stable parent a  safe person a safe place so in this video i'm   going to give you concrete strategies to create a  strong protective shield so you can preserve your   mental and emotional energy and detach from  your narcissistic narcissistic ex's abusive   tactics when i'm referring to a narcissist here  i'm not just talking about someone who can be   selfish or difficult to deal with I'm talking  about pathological narcissism. This is someone who   is entitled, lacks empathy and is exploitative,  someone who is consistently lying, manipulating,   and doing everything in their power to make your  life a living hell including using your children   as pawns in their twisted game dealing with a  narcissistic ex when there are children involved   is a whole other ballgame and the narcissist knows  they have a whole other level of control over you   you are not dealing with a normal person here  this is not someone who fights fair plays fair   i've seen people caught up in the court  system for years as the narcissist fights   to get control and for you the legal process is  stressful but for them it's just another game   another audience and they thrive on the attention  and the opportunity to spread lies about you   to make themselves look good while  making you look bad of course   i'm lisa blanc and i want to remind you that  this information is for educational purposes   only and not a substitute for mental health  support or legal support if you like this   video please subscribe to my channel share  it with someone if you think it can help them   i post weekly videos so click that notification  bell okay so i will admit that the title of   today's video is a bit misleading because  the fact is co-parenting with a narcissist   is impossible the very definition of co-parenting  is a post-separation parenting arrangement in   which both parents agree to jointly participate  in their children's upbringing and activities but   when you're dealing with a narcissist co-parenting  is not an option because the narcissist is not   going to participate jointly and is not looking  out for the best interests of the child they   are only looking out for their own best interests  even with a legal custody arrangement or agreement   or co-parenting plans the narcissists will  constantly break the rules cross boundaries   and act in manipulative explosive and sometimes  violent ways they think they are above the law and   sadly they often do get away with it depending  on the type of narcissist you're dealing with   and what extreme they are at on the narcissism  spectrum will dictate how damaging they are to   you and your kids so the best you can hope for is  to create a parallel parenting plan or conditions   that limit your interactions with them and allow  you to move forward with your own parenting style   taking your own decisions and actions where not  all where it's not already dictated by the court   so the faster you realize that co-parenting is  not an option the faster you can move to parallel   parenting where you can detach mentally and  emotionally and start focusing on what you can do   in your home to provide the safest healthiest  environment for your children while they're with   you but as long as you're playing the narcissist  game under their rules you will you will remain   under their control and they will abuse you as  long as they can using whatever means possible   including your children the thing is nothing will  go down without a snag with a narcissist even the   most minor of communications will escalate into  personal attacks blame and creative tactics to   infringe on your time and energy and basically  ruin your day and your life and if the narcissist   gets a reaction from you they have succeeded on  their mission which is why today i am giving you   specific strategies to take your power back so you  can be healthy and strong for your children who   unfortunately will continue to be exposed to the  narcissists damaging behavior for years to come no   matter how hard you try to protect them and this  is a very sad reality and one that is extremely   difficult to accept so i want you to remember  three things number one no matter what you do you   could give your narcissistic ex the moon and agree  with everything they say even assuming it would be   reasonable which it wouldn't be but no matter what  you do you can't win you cannot train them to stop   being narcissistic the only thing you can do is  train yourself to stop reacting to their behavior   easier said than done yes but with practice you  will get better at it and i get that you may   still be in the trial and error stage where you're  trying to figure out ways to appease them thinking   that there must be a way to get them to look at  the kids best interests there's not even if you   rolled over and played dead they would continue to  come at you so i hate to be so pessimistic this is   not me but i have worked with so many clients in  this situation and i've come to believe that the   only healthy way to deal with a narcissist is  to pull back all of your energy get yourself   into a protective bubble where you can keep  yourself healthy sane safe so that your children   at least have one parent who is providing them  with that safety that stability and that balance   and the second thing to remember is that you need  to adjust your expectations i can't even tell you   how many clients come in and tell me you won't  believe what they did and you know just fill   in the blank with some outrageous thing yes yes  i can believe it what i wouldn't believe is if   you told me that they weren't doing what they do  because that's what they do expect it third thing   is that you need to be prepared when you start  using these strategies that the narcissist is   going to go into distress as you disengage  with them they will feel you pulling away   and like a tantruming three-year-old they  will escalate their efforts to get you to   give them what they want which is your energy  your attention your reaction and they know   your kids are the most important thing to you so  they will use them as pawns to get to you without   any regard to the damage they are doing to the  children but the key here is that no matter what   you do they are going to use the kids in their  twisted game so the sooner you learn to protect   yourself and keep yourself in a good mental and  emotional state the quicker you can create this   safe space for your kids and pull them into  the safety bubble as much as you possibly can   before i go into these specific strategies i want  to say that there is no one-size-fits-all solution   to protect yourself from a narcissist and that is  because there are different types and extremes of   narcissism and they can present very differently  and use very different tactics based on all kinds   of factors including gender and i won't go into  all of that in today's video because i cover these   things in other videos what i will say is that no  matter what type of narcissist you're dealing with   they will bash you not only to your kids but to  everyone who will listen they will manipulate you   to get what they want they will manipulate your  kids they will act entitled and use what you fear   most against you so do not show them what buttons  to push don't react any reaction is fuel on the   fire so the reality is there are no simple fixes  if someone tells you oh just do this and do that   it'll solve all of your problems this is a sign  that they have no idea what you're dealing with   when you're dealing with a narcissist you need  a strategic plan on how to protect yourself   how to protect your children as much as  possible and how to handle the ongoing character   assassinations smear campaigns threats all these  things they will use to alienate you from your   children to ruin you personally and professionally  and possibly even to get you in trouble legally or   cause you physical harm if you are in a  parallel parenting relationship with a   narcissist you're in it for the long haul and  it's exhausting so here are some strategies   to help you get through it but remember you know  this person best so you need to use your judgment   on how to apply these strategies based on  the type of narcissist you're dealing with   based on your children's age based on the  risks involved in your specific circumstances   so the first strategy if at all possible cut  off all phone and face-to-face communication and   interactions again not always possible you know if  you have a young child spending the weekend at the   narcissist's parents place you need to pick up the  phone if they call because it may be an emergency   but do not answer when you don't need to and never  ever call back unless absolutely necessary if they   leave you a voice message ask yourself is there  anything in this message that really requires a   response and if there is respond by email or  by text at a time that's convenient for you   strategy number two when you do need  to respond to a voicemail text or email   don't respond immediately unless you need  to if it's an emergency something urgent   but before responding to anything ask  yourself do i need to respond to this now   or what parts of this truly require a  response have a few standard responses   ready and no matter what buttons they push  all they get from you is a robotic response   i'll take that into consideration i'll respond in  the next few days if you're receiving texts emails   or phone messages you can probably safely ignore  at least 95 or more of what's in them and as much   as possible just don't respond quickly because  when they send that message they are in the mood   to engage you so don't give them what they want  strategy number three when a response is required   always respond in as few words as possible once  you've written a text or email re-read it and ask   yourself if anything can be cut out then walk away  for a while and re-read it again before sending   and again ask yourself if anything can be  cut out remember anything you say will be   interpreted through their sick twisted lens the  more you give them the more they use it against   you against your children so instead of writing  your defenses justifications explanations to them   save your breath if you need to document it put  it in a journal and keep that in a safe space   the response you send to the narcissist should be  as brief as concise and as emotionless as possible   strictly business strategy number four never  ever show emotion to them not in person not on   the phone not by text any emotion they elicit  from you is a win for them do not give them   that satisfaction ever strategy number five give  your narcissist a clown or cartoon character name   goofy cruella deville wildy coyote the evil  queen and refer to them by this name in your   mind not in front of your kids to de-personalize  them imagine them speaking in the voice of this   clown or cartoon character and this will help you  remove the emotion from your side of the equation   when you do that they will escalate their efforts  for a while so make sure you stick with it once   you start at all times so just imagine them  as this ridiculous cartoon character and if   that doesn't work for you imagine them as a speck  of dust or some other inanimate object and this   may sound silly but it will allow you to create  some emotional separation from them and to start   seeing them in a different light which brings me  to my next point which is to see them as someone   with an illness or a disability that they cannot  control because research shows that people with   npd have gray and white matter abnormalities they  have they have brain dysfunction it's structural   and these are in parts of the brain that are  responsible for empathy emotional regulation   and other executive functions so expect  them to continue behaving this way forever   because they have a serious mental illness so  when you're dealing with them you know i will   often tell my clients pretend you have 25 energy  bubbles for the entire day that's all you get   how many of your energy bubbles do you  want to give your narcissistic ex now   ideally it would be zero but as you know  they've mastered the art of stealing   your energy so strategy number six which is not  always possible depending on the circumstances but   it's really around protecting your energy bubbles  so what i want you to do is as much as possible   create a designated time and space while you  will where you will deal with their crap so if   it's not the time you've designated and they send  you a message if you don't absolutely need to deal   with it now don't even look at it again use your  good judgment but do your best to take control   over your time and energy and not allow them to  swoop in whenever they feel like it to ruin your   moment make sure that this designated time is not  near bedtime because the last thing you want is to   allow them to rob you of a good night's sleep and  also make sure it's not at the beginning of the   day where they get the opportunity to set the tone  for your entire day now obviously it won't always   be possible to deal with their correspondence at  the designated time or in the designated space   but as much as possible start training yourself  to only allow them into your mental and emotional   space on the time that you decided on your terms  and in the designated space put a picture of the   clown or cartoon character with the name that you  refer to them as de-personalize them before you   even open their message and in your  designated space have a grounding kit   and if you don't know what this is just click on  the next video at the end of this one but in a   nutshell a grounding kit is something that will  deactivate your fight flight freeze response and   calm your nervous system after something causes  you to go into a heightened emotional state   in case they do manage to push your button somehow   so if you start thinking about something  your narcissistic ex said or did when   it's not the time you've designated remind  yourself that you'll deal with it later and   make a quick note if you need to if you are  not in your designated space ask yourself   why am i allowing them into my bed my shower my  car my living room or wherever and kick them out   strategy number eight stop talking about them  as much as possible find one or two solid people   who really get npd and yes get support  from them in regards to your narcissistic   ex and how to deal with all these challenges other  than that don't talk about them save your breath   just know that you need to   preserve your energy by not even thinking or  talking about them because it just isn't worth it   that said if your kids talk to you about the  narcissistic parent try to not be reactive make   your child feel safe talking to you ask open-ended  questions on how you can best support them   let them know that they can always trust you and  talk to you if needed defend yourself and let   your child know the truth without resorting to the  same types of tactics that the narcissist is using   strategy number nine join the support group even  if it's an online one because for so many people   it helps just to know that you're not alone  that you are not the problem and also on the   note of support be prepared to let some people go  your narcissistic ex may have already convinced   some people that you are the liar the cheat  the abuser or whatever and you'll need to   just let these people go you can't try to manage  people's perception of you it's just not worth it   and you know what if they get close enough to the  narcissist they may eventually discover the truth   as the narcissist turns on them strategy number  10 access professional supports if at all possible   now i know not everyone can afford to see  a therapist regularly but there may be free   supports and resources in your area and if you can  find someone who truly understands npd it will be   priceless in so many ways because the therapist  can assist in your healing from the relationship   can teach you strategies to protect yourself  and your children and provide you with advice   on the best way to support them in coping  with the narcissist's ongoing behavior   if you enjoyed this video please share  it so it can help others and if you want   to learn more about npd please check out my  playlist on narcissistic personality disorder

Channel: Lise Leblanc

Views: 85,969

Keywords: narcissists hate you, things narcissists hate, how narcissists treat, how to outsmart narcissist, why narcissists angry, how narcissists control you, how narcissists manipulate, how to leave narcissist, leaving toxic people, vulnerable narcissism, covert narcissism, hypersensitivity, introverted, defensive, manipulative, blame-shifting, gaslighting, covert nacissist, vulnerable narcissist, working with narcissists, coparenting with narcissist, co parenting with a narcissist, npd

Id: GA0EzwSbn4A

Length: 20min 28sec (1228 seconds)

Published: Tue Jun 07 2022