Different ways CO-PARENTING with a NARCISSIST plays out

hey everyone it's Dr romeny and welcome back to this YouTube channel on narcissism and narcissistic relationships and healing from narcissistic relationships and we get a lot of questions about co-parenting so this video is going to take on different ways that people co-parent or different ways that co-parenting with narcissistic people can show up so let's take this on now the stuff I'm about to talk about aren't types of co-parents right these are basically observations of what I've seen people do and these aren't fixed but I have to say after years of doing this work I wanted to share the patterns that I have witnessed in people who are co-parenting with narcissists with all the things I'm about to talk about you might say like well I did that at one time and I'm not doing it anymore because definitely people evolve from these different approaches one to the other some of you were one way and then as you learned more about narcissism the way you did this shifted some of you might stay in one of these ways of being and don't don't change it so let's break these down and it's quite possibly that with all these approaches and ways people do this you might have SIM simultaneously engaged in or experien more than one of these so number one let's talk about the lion lioness fighting for your children parent in a way I do believe this is everyone who's going through a divorce or a breakup with a narcissistic co-parent and you have children obviously you want to fight for your children you want them with you as much as possible you want them protected from some of the more toxic influences of a narcissistic system and the court systems and this narcissistic parent but there's this is a mistake that people make here the lion the Lioness pick whatever fearsome animal you want you make your fight known I'm going to fight for these kids in every way you're not getting the kids 50 60 whatever percent of the time I will tell the court everything etc etc you know the drill right approaching it this way is a colossal mistake the challenging thing when you have a narcissistic co-parent narcissistic co-parents are a little bit all over the map some of them are actually interested in their children some are not interested in their children some of them like to be the theme park parent some of them like the supply being a parent gets them from the World some narcissistic co-parents view their children as inconveniences many narcissistic parents just want their kids around when they feel like having them around but otherwise can't be bothered and some narcissistic co-parents are absolutely unfit parents it's an absolute range so your story may vary but one thing to remember is this if you are going through a divorce or a separation from a narcissistic co-parent and they recognize that they have access to something you really want they will use that as a place they will enact Revenge then you're I'm going to fight for my kids so you won't get them is in in you're showing them you're showing them your hand you're showing them the one way they can mess with you and now they will mess with you a narcissistic co-parent who may have actually been willing to settle on less than 50/50 may now know that they can stick it to you by fighting for 50/50 or even more you never ever want to show your hand in these divorces and breakups inside of you you can be the lion you can be the bear you can be the shark whatever you want to be whatever Fierce fighting parent you are but to make this a public focus and known to the narcissistic co-parent you're basically letting them know you're ailles heel and the hill that you're willing to die on that means that they'll turn it into Sport and they will fight you on custody for no other reason than leverage and this can feel terrifying and exhausting so as hard as it can be inside you can know that you're the fighter and you'll do anything for your kids but outside you have to play it cool and in some cases folks have even said to me like they told their narcissistic ex you know I'm going to have to look forward to some of these weekends getting them back to myself well that inflamed the narcissistic co-parent who was then willing to take less custody to punish that person I know it seems like going against your very nature go ahead and fight the fight but don't let the narcissistic co-parent know the stakes the second way of being is the depressed and seemingly hopeless parent this again is not uncommon you're a person who has already lived through years of a narcissistic relationship you're destabilized you're dehumanized you're exhausted hopeless helpless powerless and on top of that you were trying to raise kids in this mess and this can mean that forget being a lion or a bear it feels exhausting to do any of it and if you did have a pre-existing or long-standing history of other mental health issues like depression or anything like that the narcissistic relationship can exacerbate those existing mental health crises the challenge here is that the proceedings of a narcissistic breakup or divorce can be exhausting whether it is the actual divorce process the custody dealings whatever it is but also the ongoing co-parenting now the sense of hopelessness for anyone going through a narcissistic divorce is understandable especially if your child is suffering through this process which they probably are and the court is non-responsive to any of the abuses going on around money therapy whatever it is you need for your children this sense of depression and hopelessness can also place a person at risk to Simply give in and capitulate to a Parenting Agreement or divorce settlement that is not ideal and that could still have been negotiated to a better place but the exhausting exhausting and the relentlessness of the process may have fully sapped your spirit and you just want it to be over however for this group the depress and hopeless group therapy is UN non-negotiable because you need to have support to be able to continue to fight this fight because it is a fight that does not end when the Parenting Agreement is written every year month week and in some cases every day it can feel like you're taking on a new fight every small and big thing can feel insurmountable when you feel this way simply to be present with your children you need the supports it's absolutely essential to surviving this process caring for yourself and like I said being present with your children and make no mistake the narcissistic co-parent may also craft a narrative around your depletion your sadness your worry and your hopelessness into a sense that they talk about to others including the court that you are not up to caring for your children this is why it is so important to have some supports in place and understanding how narcissism and narcissistic abuse affect you is absolutely crucial here the third kind of way of being is I am going to fight this Injustice parent now in a way again all of you are in these situations it's a little different from the lion bear fighter parent the fighter parents that group one they're making known that they're going to fight relentlessly for their children this this group this Injustice group you may ruminate and actually try to keep fighting to make this all right whatever that means in your situation this may mean continually trying to go back in document all of the injustices that have happened in this process Financial custody and otherwise and keep taking them on now some of this relates to Resource most people do not have this kind of money to keep going back in legal fees court fees time most people do not have access to this and there's a risk to this approach because while I'm the first to tell you this is the most unfair thing you'll ever go through if you keep going at it it keeps you in the game for years and years you already have to co-parent with the narcissistic person and now you're always in this legal battle which is distracting time consuming and can pull you out of other areas of your life including healing the I am going to fight this Injustice parent you may not always truly radically accept not only narcissism nor are you radically accepting the vagaries of family court and that Family Court may not fully recognize or care about the injustices raised by narcissistic co-parents this group of parents this what I'm calling you you Injustice parents you may have an almost full-time job of documenting everything happening in this narcissistic relationship with the co-parent and may go toe to- Toe with with a narcissistic ex who actually may enjoy the fight this group of Injustice oriented folks may also be facing more than just the injustices of Family Court you might have also been facing many other betrayals for example your narcissistic ex partner may have transitioned into a new relationship very quickly almost immediately introducing children to their new partner that they probably cheated on you with and those injustices on top of navigating children through this territory can be accompanied by a Zeal for wanting understandably to excavate some justice from a story and from A system that is completely skewed the fourth sort of way or being is the indifferent parent I can't say for sure if this is good or bad because the indifference of a person who's co-parenting with a narcissistic person may be related to the literal exhaustion that going through a narcissistic divorce or breakup in subsequent custody battle can create it can also be a person who has become almost karmic in their letting go now there is some risk in being in this indifferent position as unjust as family court can be being indifferent can mean that you do miss a few strategic opportunities and preparation I I however have to tell you I really understand what's happening with the indifferent parent you aren't indifferent to your children but after years and years of being buffeted by a narcissistic relation relationship there's a sort of onwe and a sort of futility that kicks in and a sort of overcorrected radical acceptance that there's nothing you can do there is some overlap here with the parents who are struggling with Sensations and feelings like depression and hopelessness but this indifferent group may not be depressed they may simply be rolling with it but after years of narcissistic abuse truly believe that anything that they actively do will not make a difference and the last group this fifth group is the Strategic parent this is sort of my hope that everyone will get here this is a group that understands what narcissism is they understand the limitations of Family Court the realities of custody decisions the critical importance of being prepared and well documented the importance of not using words like narcissism and gaslighting with mediators or judges the radical acceptance of all of it and I mean real radical acceptance and realistic expectations as well the picking your battles and being very clear that this is going to be an unjust process and that you are prepared and tactical on what it is that you want and know that because you are navigating this territory with a narcissistic ex and narcissistic co-parent that you will have to leave more on the table than you should have fairly should have but if that yields some outcomes you can live with or that are better for your children that you will do it you don't hold out for that absolute Justice because it ain't coming the goal is to get all parents to this place but it's not easy if you experienced multiple betrayals if the severity of the narcissistic abuse was more profound if you have not truly gotten to radical acceptance or don't yet quite understand how narcissism works it can be very difficult to get to this piece of being completely strategic and it's hard to get here without good legal support and I mean good legal support that gets what narcissism is and that can often require resources as well as other support including therapy supports for your children supports from your community other social supports the process of splitting up from a narcissistic person when you have minor children of any age and then having to manage co-parenting is ridiculously painful it brings up tremendous rumination about things that just can't be fixed and it isn't a oneandone these abuses can persist for years as your child gets older the challenges will shift but they will always be there and while you want to fight for your child you have to do it tactically while you want and need what is legally yours financially you have to know that money means everything to narcissistic people and how much of your mental health will be lost in this fight as well as how much will be lost to legal fees and you may not get what is right but what may be enough is you may be shocked that your narcissistic ex has no problem downgrading elements of your children's lives including schools they attend and or neighborhoods they live in because your narcissistic ex is punishing you and as we know being shocked and surprised by the narcissistic person's behavior is not good for you it destabilizes you you've got to be prepared for their behaviors and work closely with an attorney on what you can live with and not just what you feel is right and what you're owed under the law The Balancing Act of managing hurt betrayal regret the of Self in the scars in self-blame and the self-doubt of narcissistic abuse keeping your children safe and stable getting to a financially stable place and a system of Courts and decisions that don't account for the issues raised by narcissism in a parent means that you're going to have to learn to think about Justice in a very different way some of you may have cycled through all of these ways of parenting or co-parenting with a narcissist and finally gotten to that sort of strategic end point some some of you are still figuring it out find support support groups guidance and recognize that you are definitely not alone I hope this was helpful and thanks again

Channel: DoctorRamani

Views: 22,324

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Id: JzgTNI_cdPA

Length: 15min 10sec (910 seconds)

Published: Tue Mar 19 2024