There are many tactics a narcissist
will use to manipulate, control, and disable you psychologically. These include
things like gaslighting, deflecting, intimidating, and so much more. If you've been reading and
researching about narcissism, you know the narcissist is a master at distorting reality,
changing history, avoiding responsibility, and systematically breaking people down mentally
and emotionally. In this video, I will give you 10 concrete examples of what the narcissist might say
or do to psychologically disable and destroy you. Now keep in mind that on occasion some of
these things happen in normal relationships, but it wouldn't happen often, and would usually be
followed by a genuine apology. With a narcissist or other toxic type of person, these will happen
regularly, deliberately, and often to a point of absurdity and it will never come with an apology,
unless it's the type of narcissistic apology along the lines of I'm sorry but you deserved it or some
other form of justification and then they will go and if it's your first time here, welcome! I post
weekly videos on topics related to mental health, trauma, stress, and relationships. This
content is for informational purposes only, so if you are in need of support, please seek help
from a mental health professional in your area and if you like this video please like,
comment, or subscribe to my channel and click on that notification bell so you don't miss
out on any of my videos. In no particular order, here are some of the ways a narcissist - or some
of the things a narcissist will say or do to mess with you psychologically, again, keeping in mind
that some narcissists are much more pathological than others. Number one, they will pretend to have
selective amnesia... they didn't hear, see, say, or do the things you are remembering. They are
made out to be a figment of your imagination. They'll say things like: I never said that; or you
know I'd never say something like that; or why are you always making things up? Or you're twisting
what I said, taking it out of context. Number two, if they do admit to remembering what happened,
they'll delete, distort, and edit the details, and they mix their edits in with just enough facts
to make you question whether it might actually be true and it can be the most trivial and stupid
things but it can also be something significant. So, they'll usually start with something small
in the beginning because they're testing you. So here's an example: they'll try to make you believe
that you said something that you didn't say. So with complete certainty and confidence, they'll
tell you the false thing that they're claiming you said followed by "remember right after that you
said..." and then they'll rhyme off word for word something that you did say and you're like oh
right I did say that part, so then you think, maybe I said the other part too... I don't think
so, but wait did I? Bingo! They've just instilled enough doubt in you and as soon as you give sign
that you're even considering the possibility that this false thing that you said might be true, they
pounce on that and they get some form of agreement from you on their new version of events. If it's
something significant, they'll repeat the edited narrative making more edits, casually weaving
in more details as though they're facts, and then reminding you of your agreement until
a whole new version of reality is created. So the narcissist will combine their untruths with
the truth or at least enough of the truth to make you doubt yourself and make you lose trust in your
own perceptions, interpretations, and memories and you know we've all had the experience of sharing
a memory with someone and the other person saying "No that's not how it happened!" and as you each
recount your version of the events, you know, maybe you agree to disagree but often you start
negotiating on those inconsistencies, but what's different with a narcissist is that it's not a
negotiation and it happens constantly. So, over time you start to lose trust in your own memory.
On some level, you may know that they're lying, but you're confused and unsure of what's real and
what's not. See, most people think that memories are like video recordings, that they're permanent
and unchangeable, but they're not and in fact memories are being edited all the
time. Every time you pull up a memory, it's subject to modification, and
if you're interested in this topic, there's an amazing documentary called "Memory
Hackers" which I linked in the description below and in this documentary researchers researchers
show how easily our memories can be manipulated. Number three, the narcissist puts words in your
mouth and then says "you even said it yourself" and if you confront their lie they get aggressive
about it they start pulling stuff out of nowhere and deflecting and this is when they shift
your attention away from their behavior onto your behavior. They usually do this by pushing
your emotional buttons... how this might play out is you're having an argument disagreeing on
something that you know they did so they start getting defensive they start getting mad and when
their usual tactics to manipulate you don't work, they might say things like: "Well how can we have
a relationship when you're always accusing me of lying, it's like you're always looking to make
me seem like a bad guy, I think we need to talk about why you always need to be right. Almost
any time a narcissist accuses you of something like lying, cheating, manipulating, or whatever,
they are either deflecting or projecting. They are trying to gain control of the
conversation and of you, so pause for a moment and bring yourself back to the issue at hand. What
were you talking about? And pay close attention to what they're accusing you of because they
are giving you clues about what they are up to and their own intentions. And if they manage
to rile you up emotionally, you'll see that they're happy about it. They'll smirk, they'll say
something condescending like "maybe we should talk about this when you calm down" as they roll their
eyes and walk away from you. Then you're standing there thinking wait a minute what the heck just
happened? And if they don't walk away, they might use this next tactic, which is telling you that
everyone agrees with them and is on their side. Something like "even your brother said you blamed
him for everything growing up" or "even your dad thinks you're crazy". Now what started as a
disagreement or an argument about, you know, them lying turns into you having a pattern of
falsely accusing or blaming other people. Now keep in mind these are just examples, I could have
chosen from thousands of other examples so feel free to add your examples in the comment section
to help other people recognize what deflection might look like when you're in a relationship
with a narcissist. Number five is that they'll say things to backtrack on the promises they
made to you and then blame you for it. They'll say things like: I said that when I thought you
were going to hold up your end of the bargain" or that was when I thought you were deserving or
you were going to bring more to this relationship or, you know, fill in the blank with whatever
supposed shortcoming of yours. In other words, all of the promises they made, that whole fantasy
illusion they created for you is getting pulled away piece by piece and it's all your fault. It's
because you're not good enough, you're not worthy, depending on how malignant the narcissist is
they can use sensitive information you shared in vulnerable moments as evidence of why they
are now forced to break their promises to you. For example, I get now why that happened... fill
in the blank with some terrible traumatic event. Number six, they'll play on your fears, on your
guilt, and on any other emotion that they can use to trigger a reaction from you. They want you to
act out because that makes it so much easier for them to make you believe that you're the issue in
this relationship. It makes it so much easier for them to manipulate you so they'll poke at you,
they'll provoke you, and then they'll just kind of stand back and wait to see your reaction. When
they see a reaction, they know the buttons. Number seven, their body language doesn't match their
words. They are telling you that they love you while physically distancing themselves from you or
they're stroking your hair, or you know, looking into your eyes while insulting you. Number eight,
they will invalidate you by saying things like: "here we go again with all of your drama!" You're
just so sensitive, you're too needy, you're being hysterical. Why are you overreacting like this?
You're always blowing things out of proportion. They want you to feel like your thoughts, beliefs,
and concerns are wrong and invalid. Number nine, they will isolate you from any supports you
have... they will belittle you for wanting to be close to your family, spend time with friends,
or for accessing professional supports. Here's how this might sound: you're too attached to your
family, it's unhealthy, it's dysfunctional. Don't you think it's kind of weird that you call
your sister every other day. You're an adult. It's always about the kids. Oh is that
what your therapist said? Number ten... this is not about you! Why are you always making
everything about you? They want you to believe that you're the one who is self-centered and like
you're the one that's selfish and self-absorbed. They may also say things like I'm doing this for
your own good. No one else would do this for you. No one will ever love you like I do, and of course
this is to make you feel like you are undeserving of their presence in your life, like you owe
them something. That they are teaching you to be a decent human being. If you can think of other
typical things a narcissist will say or do, please add them in the comment section below and please
subscribe to my channel if you haven't already.
