Colin Quinn: Our Time Is Up | Full Stand Up Comedy Special

[Music] I'm gonna have to use some people you know I'll ask her no no offense to men but I'm going to ask the woman because if I if I if I need help What's Your Name by the way Sarah Sarah all right so Sarah if I need help with any technical terms dsm5 do you are you well versed in the DSM 5 I'll talk to him sorry sir now I'm back to you I wish you could see him he's like he's like influencer therapist this guy um oh he is yeah he's been Mr Beast therapist for the past three years it's really I've had I I can't even count but probably like eight n therapist in my life counting couple's therapist so it's not just me psychotic what are you applauding for it's not like you know what I mean obviously the first eight didn't really take the the last one just called me a complete [ __ ] and somehow that worked um I don't have a diagnosis I'm not sure he's going to be in therapy for a while I would say that I'm licensed in two states to say that he's a sociopath oh totally has PTSD and I have a book for [Music] him thanks for coming out and thanks for letting me do this shoot this year and I thought it'd be good for you too give you guys a treat get away from your job you work hard all year give you a chance to sit back relax do something different listen to somebody rant about how the world had screwed them over for an hour [Music] so and I don't really there's no pressure on me because I know you're trained to not laugh so it's not like I expect you to be like ah not like you know you don't sit in your office and somebody's like I dreamt a fountain was shooting water in my face but it wasn't sexual and you're like wasn't sexual huh what are you an idiot but um yeah I was walking around the conference all day what a Lobby and um orate you know what I mean what are they overcompensating for n that's for you to figure out not me um but I was sitting in the lobby and you know even if you didn't know all you guys don't realize in that lobby with those chairs you all sit like therapist the whole time just covered like that looking up from your glasses every once in a while and uh I wanted to do this well I I think I wanted to do this because I did this show and there were four therapist in the crowd last year I was about the world and I was like oh my God everything I said related to therapy but that's why I think I want to do it that's just my conscious you guys will determine after the show why I really did this but um yeah but I do feel like as a country we're in a meltdown freef fall and um nobody's in charge so everybody's in charge and that's what Social cuz social media we're in a psych ward and nobody seems to realize that people still treat it like it's a country we're in a psych ward you guys may have may not have notics because of the phone everybody walks around all day arguing with people that aren't there we think the government's listening to us at all times we think everybody else is a scop or a plant we walk outside in pajamas during the daytime we take medication on a regular basis over the course of the day we play games and puzzles to keep ourselves from going crazy we think uh we all think we're we have delusions of grandeur everybody walks around because of the phone people walk around all day I condemn all okay you're not the Archbishop of canterberry you don't get to condemn I call on all so okay you know you're you're in a gas station toilet I don't know how much leverage [Music] you and everyone thinks they're a therapist I don't know if you've noticed everyone thinks because of the phone everyone think you ask anybody how you doing good I realized I had undiagnosed anxiety so I I self- diagnosed it and now um it's come with a certain amount of challenges and I'm uh I PTSD for my ADHD and I'm I'm bip polar on my mother's side I did a 23 in me and found that out and I'm not pre-diabetic but I'm post- diabetic and that comes with its own I have seasonal attachment disorder which uh I can't let go of the seasons till I'm halfway through the next one and I have environmental codependency was sort of related to that and uh I uh I I have a touch of autism why do people decide they could have a touch of autism it's a real thing autism people like have it sometimes you're uncomfortable in conversations at a party doesn't mean you get this medical appropriation um so yeah but but look you guys know the UNC I'll tell you right now here's the thing it's a lot easier because right now one of the big things identity some of the things you've discussed this weekend identity first of all you identity is not even who you are your identity is who the government says you are and if the government thinks you are that's your identity uh you your person your personality is who the people that know you think you are your reputations who the people that don't know you think you are your social media profil is who you think you are and your browser history is who you are so so I think your job would be a lot easier if you just call people in and say let me just see your brows head history don't don't clear your browser history for a week before you come in here yeah that's the one of those things you go to heaven this St Peter um you know what is this and you're like I had a complicated relationship with my stepmother first of all I think we should talk about that before I and the other thing is authentic first of all everybody's like authent your authentic self there's even a thing today about your authentic self nobody mentions your authentic self not your best self by the way we keep trying to achieve something that's not even the best you the best you is fake you ask whoever loves you the most your spouse whoever when you go home say would you rather I start relating to you in that fake superficial way that I do with people at work or at the conf like over the-top friendly helpful always in a good mood dressed up nice or my authentic self that you see mildly depressed [Music] emotionally unavailable passive aggressive usually in some sort of sweatpant and they say let's never see the real you again as long as we live the real you it's so ironic we're trying to get to the real authentic person they're not welcome in society I don't know how how much more you could how many much more feedback you could get the real you is not welcome what do you think HR is telling you don't bring your real self into this jump you're tring to get people to get their real they're going to get fired if they go into work as the real them you go to HR they're like no don't bring your sense of humor here don't bring your political opinions in here yeah cuz HR first of all when I was growing up HR didn't even exist it was called personnel there was no HR Personnel it was one little old lady ate lunch by herself she didn't even have an office her desk being in the hallway One Day by the elevator the next day by the bathroom she's trying to control the uncontrollable you know people back then like hey stop putting your cigarettes out in other people's coffee cups you know we sent a memo about this it's kind of important no hot liquor before 9:30 a.m. you know it's not Casual Friday now HR they're like they're like the mafia they walk in people like HR just walked in don't say anything don't do anything while they're here they walk around how you doing is anybody making you uncomfortable is anybody bothering you right now like no okay you let me know I'll take care of it no that's fine they're the law enforcement arm of the office just think there's a law enforcement arm in your office that's psychotic you'll see 5 years from now you'll see five years from now there'll be no more Law and Order no more NCIS every cop shell is going to be HR there are two separate would put very important groups in every office these sexist pigs and those of us assigned to stop them these are their stories look like what do you got possible 311 mansplaining in progress get over [Music] there like who is it him yeah bring him in the gender neutral bathroom I want to talk to the son of V they bring him in for the interrogation did you call your supervisor shrill is that the word you used you use hysterical to call heart no I don't use adjectives I know better I read the manual no adjectives no nouns cuz they can be you know I haven't used a pronoun in four years I don't you know mostly adverbs it's an adverb culture at this point maybe allegedly supposedly possibly probably thank [Applause] you thank you try not to applaud I'm Irish we don't respond well to Applause I don't know why we're impervious According to Freud impervious to you know what I mean Irish people impervious not impervious whatever the word is immune to therapy that's Freud's story I'll tell you a little more about me later and you'll realize maybe I don't know maybe there's a point to it um I got a lot to say about Freud by the way one of the things before I go back to Freud I'll digress for a second here's the thing about Freud that bothers me is that yes he had some great things but he also was like you know sex is and everything he's like see that building it looks like a penis and you're like yeah if you're 4 years old what the hell those mountains look like tits once again under um it's like woohoo what the a lot of things are shaped like breasts and penises I hate to tell you takee um go the first B name basic yeah um what was I saying oh yeah everybody first of all here's what it did among the things cuz the whole plan is HR and every job is HR now by the way even the blue College JS are HR that's how it's spread to society even the blue College jobs which I never thought I would see the day but they get the spirit but not the letter of the law you go to the mechanic he's trying but he's like hey take that to titty calendar you retaught your friending everybody it's like all right sir that would be the definition of one step forward two steps back have ever heard but HR it started for the right reason power corrupts like anything else it started because guys are animals you know it is guys I don't mean animals in a good sense like you guys probably think animal but no um and you saw a mad man guys were be you said how they were behaving whatever they get away with and we had to control it it y started got too crazy but before that guys didn't behave like that you're saying why was that because religion people don't like to admit the truth the Catholic church was H off of this entire planet for 600 years except for themselves of course but you know can't watch everything oh edgy I know going to the church in 2024 but even in Vatican City people wouldn't be offended by that so please don't worry about it yeah and now the whole planet is HR the whole planet because of the phone it's the Golden Age of snitches and title Tales every everybody's everybody's a Karen not just the Karens people that film Karin go look what this Karen did that's a Karen move too filming a Karen and posting it is the ultimate Karen move it's the ultimate you're karening a Karen and um yeah and it made everybody feel like ult the ego I know I'm stepping into territory like that's not really technically ult ego but just bear with me okay I'm not I'm going to have to use some people you know Al ask car no no offense the men but I'm going to ask the woman because if I if I if I need help What's Your Name by the way Sarah Sarah all right so Sarah if I need help with any technical terms dsm5 are you going to am I going to blow up your spot by you not knowing him because I don't want to ruin you do you are you well versed in the DSM 5 I'll talk to him sorry sir now I'm back to you I know she puts me on this kid I wish you could see him he's like he's like influencer therapist this guy um oh he is yeah he's been Mr Beast therapist for the past three years he really every time Mr Beast say something psychotic they bring him in um no you're young it's good I was just being joking around of course you know but what is your name uh Mias Maas okay whoa very biblical um very formidable Maas and uh the uh okay the uh I'll just ask you and you just you know if I need if I go like you know like this you'll know I need some terminology I know some of it I'm not gonna pretend to false humility you can see already I'm not you know what I mean and Lord knows I've been in therapy one or two I've had I I can't even count but probably like eight nine therapists in my life counting coup's therapy so it's not just me psychotic what are you applauding for it's not like you know what I mean obviously the first eight didn't really take the the last one just called me a complete [ __ ] and somehow that worked um you just kept looking at me with they look like you're an idiot I was like this I don't like this but you know stayed there five years must have done something right um back to business so I was saying oh so here what I'm saying is Ulta ego that's the term I'll use I'm sure you can say you know we'll get into so Ulta ego basically that's what social media gave everybody a chance to be who you want to be what is the term for that not olda ego oh you Persona all right Persona let's say Persona well don't question like I know the answer he goes just got him up here in a jacket he's like hey he must be the teacher so I don't have the Masters or whatever you have um all right let's say persona for now you know what I mean I know you have a different answer but um she's like well I don't know meas I think it's up um sorry um my point is the Persona everybody gets to be whatever whatever you've decided your life your persona where you want to be so everybody gets because of social media you you know everybody gets hecko can be comedians comedians can be Statesmen uh jocks can be political pundits and nerds can be tough guys this is the first time in history by the way that you can threaten somebody curse them out and not either have to run or have a physical confrontation so fight or flight inct is going to be eliminated from our genetic structure for the survival of the species if people go back and forth more than three times we should force them to fight fly them out to a stadium get the announcer in this corner he's a shut in from Seattle who seems to have had a psychotic break between the last two Batman movies we don't know what that's about but I'm sure there's a Reddit thread that could explain it to you if you're that interested and in this corner she's a saga M from Iowa that claims we head up to here with all this nonsense so let's get ready to rumble cuz manners are gone because there's no repercussions for not having manners manners got invented to stop people from Bloodshed even the Middle Ages as violent as that was if the monteu and capulets had met in a courtyard in Corona and spoke the way we speak every day on socials who would have been 10 times bloodier if you went in there and they were like do you qu basic [ __ ] like pray who is this soy boy Your Grace heed him not he's clickbait chasing clout to make ambition virtue virtue to signal so shall you be ratioed you mad bro yes but method in it uneasy lies the head that wears the crown slay Queen then let this Edge Lord be vanquished incel cockled troll th you want smoke come I am your match a way sow like I will watch The Melt that's it thank [Applause] you I know there's a couple of the older therapists in their tweet jackets on I don't know what the hell you're talking about but look I'm your generation you should be um but it created opinion addicts there's addicts people are addicted to giving their opinion and in the old days you're cuz it's like any other addiction you'll know who the addicts are some people abuse it if the internet goes down they'll be in front of 7-Eleven like any other addict but trying to give their opinion just be like hey hey hey like leave me alone come on let me tell you what I go the season finale of Suits I just started watching it last year it's really important my top 10 radio head songs this is important you know I'll break it down because Maas s you guys are even probably too young for the beginning in the beginning in the beginning of all this no opinion it was Facebook it was all positive just a bunch of Jolly ladies Inspire potential strive to achieve you know make passion opportunity you know the sounded nice a sunset in the background a a unicorn you know smile at the raindrops like nobody's watching whatever it doesn't matter social media was like a fun aunt's kitchen that's basically what happened and then one day somebody somebody's like who's loving this son no opinion just statements and somebody goes [ __ ] the son and [ __ ] you you fat [ __ ] and everybody goes what and it opened the door to our lonely angry horny selves and new group emerged the amateur critic pundit nutritionist comedian suddenly that nice lady is like posting Kelly Clarks is a [ __ ] fight me you know [Music] and and like I said everybody became who they want to be I follow people on social media that I see that they've left out part of their brain to be who they want to be and I must be doing the same thing you know I I follow OJ Simpson OJ Simpson on social media he's not the murderer he's not the guy that was falsely convicted of murder no it's not even part of the OJ thing he gets on there every day never mentions anything negative he's just like hey gang hope you're having a blessed day today I'm playing some golf down here about 80° just loving life and hope you're doing something you love it's important you know and it's was like 20 idiots like thanks OJ you've gotten me through some tough times L his Persona is OJ 1991 when everybody loved OJ he he's erased all the negative from the past 30 years and he's like I'm rebranding this is oj1 1991 I follow ayatola comi on social media he's on there all the time and again he's not Mr like you know death to America death to Israel he says that you know often but but he started to get in people he started to get feedback from young people and you can see him change and suddenly he's trying to be Mr motivational speaker too but when he says it it's just chilling because you consider the source you know so he's like hey you miss 100% of the shots you don't take I'm like I don't know about that one out you be he's like live every day like it's your last okay that's where I draw the line cuz that sounds like a message to yeah and everybody changed snitches became monitors obsessives influencers people who like to start [ __ ] disruptors you know you people are debating Senators online while they're surrounded by mice and empty cookie rappers and it's like anything else that we built it up to we your resistance like any addiction you got to keep increasing the dosage so now they said the average American 96 times a day is how often we go on our phone 96 times a day no nobody does anything 96 nobody checks in on their newborn baby 96 times a day if you look at your baby 40 times a day they'll take the baby away from you the baby will be like what is going on who's this if your neighbor looks out the window 96 times a day you'll call the SWAT teame and say there's a me there's a methodic he's about to explode get rid of them and it started Facebook in the beginning Facebook was happy you guys were probably little little kid Facebook was like Hey guys hit up my wall I want friends I want friends oh you're like oh my God pictures of my relatives it was Mutual then after a couple of years the addiction it's not enough I don't want friends I want followers I want you to follow me I don't want I want you to watch me eat I want you to watch me work out and then after a few years that's not enough I want subscribers followers I don't want I don't want follow I want you to pay to watch me eat and watch me work out and slowly it kept building up to where people start getting to this place where it's like I want you to watch me get naked and play fortnite and everybody lost their mind and you see it look at perfect example Jake Paul Jake Paul started as this cute blonde kid all the girls like let's watch Jake fall off his skateboard he's like a little prankster fun guy now he's literally fighting Mike Tyson this little Surfer kid is fighting Mike Tyson he went from this fun guy hey look at him out the beach and now he's working on scars yeah I'm ready to die just to keep engagement that's how you have to be you know yeah and became all the challenges changed and it was and it's all comments by the way what's Happening Here live right now this is not live this doesn't matter it's filmed the comments when we post this that's all that matters that's real that's reality this is not reality it used to be the comments are the shadow now this is the shadow okay this is comments are reality CU this is temporary the internet is forever it's immortal they could be watching this on another planet 30 billion years from now that's that's what's so say and it's all comments what's real what we say or what people are saying about what we say notes Flags comments likes thoughts input suggestions that's all that matters you know what I mean what Henry Ford did automation what Henry Ford did with the car that's what Steve Jobs did for the [ __ ] he let all the people that like to talk [ __ ] that don't do anything it's an assembly line the powers shift is people who argue and have more time in their hands they set the tone in society and you wonder why it's the way it is you know what I mean the less you do the more important you are jobs don't matter it's if you're influencer brand ambassador uh only fans Gamers uh YouTube FaceTime streamers I stream you stream we all stream for twitch stream there's no pay wall for Carpenters or nurses have you noticed that yeah cuz the money The Advertiser like give this kid 20,000 a month what does he do what does he do he goes on escalators and pinches people's asses what are you talking about he's the voice of a generation it's very important he suck a bunches people at water parks I think you're really there's a lot to say you should be listening to right now this lady cracks eggs on her baby's head she's the Michelangelo of a generation oh you got to eat badril and [ __ ] hot peppers and play Russian light we've lost our goddamn mindset nobody seems to know you know I mean he dumps people's coffee out of Starbucks you got to talk to your you know and it made us all aware you're into surveillance all day you're the celebrity in the paparazzi at all times you could be your life could be taken down you have to be afraid of people you never met that's the first time in history that you could be your life could be destroyed by like a a 12-year-old Bulgarian kid's Thumb in one second yeah and no one talks like themselves speaking of persona nobody talks like thems everybody kind of speaks because there's no private self because there's no privacy you're in an 8 billion person group text at all times and like a group text you have the one person trying to be funny you have the one person that's inappropriate you have the one person that's just trying to organize everybody together that's lonely you know and even if you don't go on social media you're surrounded by people with phones at all times that could choose to make you famous you know what I mean and you have to be careful how you act look any of you if you're a a ball game with your shirt off covered in beer and when your patient sees you that's not what you want you know and everybody that's how it is all everybody is at all time nobody speaks the way they actually speak you have everybody speaks kind of the everybody speaks therapist it's so weird they've totally stolen your entire language politicians politicians speak therapeutically in the old days politician were themselves John F Kennedy was the nice president you know what his motto was don't ask what we can do for you ask what you could do for us and people were like what a nice imagine if you said that today people would be like somebody better get back in The Book Depository this guy didn't hear you the first time you know now politicians talk like therapists they're like a lot of people in the old days they talk about jobs food now a lot of people don't feel seen that's one of the problems going on a lot of people don't feel a part of and I I think that's something I'm going to change a lot of people don't feel noticed only in this country the luxury of wanting to be noticed go anywhere in this go to China tomorrow grab any citizen and go hey the government said they noticed you they'll be [ __ ] what's the matter I got to get out of here that's just the matter government said they noticed me this is bad news yeah the um corporations talk like therapists now in the old days corporations you knew where you stood with them cuz they had to tell they were themselves at least you know they'd be like I remember the commercial I was growing up was like we're Mobile Oil and don't you dare [ __ ] forget it you're like okay really right to the point now they come out it's like we here at Dupont chemical are actively engaged in trying to amplify voices that have traditionally been marginalized and with that we formed an ongoing partnership with young thug that that we think best exemplifies that we believe black lives matter and some of our best friends are black S Young Thug he'll tell you about it show business show business people all talk therapy now they win Awards once again when I was growing up the award they they were superficial people but they were themselves come out with a drink and a cigarette hey thank you for this award i' like to eight weeks of night shoots it was tough I'd like to thank my coke dealer we never would have got through without the whole audience be like what the his number now they come out and it's this award no it's the most solemn it's an award show it's very important and very cathartic apparently this award reminds me that I have to do the work I have to educate myself I have to speak up as an ally and also take a backseat as a colonizer and have the difficult conversation you will see an Aquaman and the Lost Horizon 2 I'd like to thank my manager for giving me agency and my agency giving me a Jency to my manager and I'd like to acknowledge that I stand on Stolen ground and because that's my other Theory that's the the USA our country has no self it has no you know it's a lot we have multiple personality I know you call it I forget what it's called disassociative I wrote it down this is s of identity you know this is all stuff I've never done before [ __ ] not all of it but 90 50% whatever [ __ ] um yeah because nobody can decide for with a land of opportunity or land of disparity and inequity and we can't be both God forbid at the same time so the core personality and the alars see Mias not bad you know I barely know what I'm saying but you understand but ego okay super ego ego and it okay so let's say ego is my wife is here super ego is my wife is here and it is my wife is [Music] here so same thing with the country you say this country is [ __ ] or this country is perfect instead of saying this country has many aspects to it right we can't be in the middle so here's what I'm saying and you're going to say this is it sounds pandering not to you guys but to the answer at home so don't applaud when I say this or else they're going to say that pandering [ __ ] um see even I'm worried about the comments we com I'm commenting on the comment com um this is the problem there's so many layers now to everything I used to look at my phone little digression again I used to look at my phone and I would be like oh you know there's I'm watching a video I can't believe it so lucky to watch a video on my phone this is crazy then I stopped watching video on my phone I can only watch two minutes or under on my phone video then that's too much time I read the comments decide if the video is worth watching then I start only watching like three months ago reaction videos because I'm too lazy I want somebody else to react for me and then I'll next I'll be reading comments to reaction videos and see how that goes so here's what I was going to say and I know people is we try a psychiatrist president because the country is in freeall we've lost our mind we're having a psychotic breakdown okay psych all psychiatrist president first of all you have a psychiatrist pres they'll win the debate Trump Biden psychiatrists they'll win the debate right because they'll be Biden they'll just be like um you know he's at that point now God bless him he leaves his shoes in the refrigerator you know he's one of the like where are my shoes like right here these are shoes are freezing somebody going get me but they win a debate easily just be like you know I'm going to say three words to you in the middle of the debate what talking about my fiscal policy yes repeat back to me banana Sunrise chair you'll beat him right there I want you to draw a clock for me you know and Trump you know all you do is just sit there and wait for them to go on the rant and they go you mention low low IQ people and losers a lot that's your that's a big insult what does a winner look like to you do you think you know be like well a winner is somebody sounds strict sounds like a lot of Chaos in your family growing up they put a lot of stocking winners you'll be like you keep saying this is going to be the most beautiful debate ever like do you feel pressure to deliver something spectacular and beautiful all the time you know hard it is to insult Trump and not get a laugh but I just did it um it's almost impossible that's remarkable not not not what I had planned but you know what I honor this moment I I acknowledge that I'm feeling depressed and less than uh but here's the problem because first of all it's no secret to anybody we live in two right now the left and the right are both cult-like in their nature the right is kind of a combination David KES beats Jimmy Buffett concert you know they they St that death spiral but at the same time look like they're Liv in Jimmy Buffett show when they leave in They're laughing they're you know drunk and their hair's messed up and their shirts untucked and and the left there called it's like the Manson family because they speak love and equality and beautiful words and the minute they don't get their way we figured out what to do kill the pigs that's our solution because they're both extremists kind of rigid inflexible but they recite Cults the left's cult is language your language they're like the problem is implicit inherent unconscious cultural sublimation and the right is like dismantle the IRS and the FBI and the whole federal government except the president and here's the question a lot of people ask why would for example hardworking honest Christians support a hedonistic kind of intemperate Pagan right you can't figure it out why would people who believe in tolerance believe in inclusion flexibility become the sensors and thought police who shut speakers like the shadow that's what it's all about those are their Shadows Trump is the yeah you know some you didn't applaud that it's not like I have to beg for was just imagine the work I put now probably was thank God for p and Sarah um listen to me um listen because here's what it is Christians want the ID and the left wants the super ego so they want to be like be this and so you've got Chris the the right and the left giddy idiocy and Taliban level tolerance and but a psychiat would not be a good president because you guys would put it right back on the people and that's the one thing you can't do you can criticize the Senate can criticized Congress Congress can criticize the president president Corporation nobody's allowed to go listen what about you guys and you're like what yeah people like the system's unfair okay what would fair look like hey what is this [ __ ] you know you speak out against climate change a lot is do you feel worried about climate change do you feel like you need to change and that's why you talking about climate change you talk about exceptionalism do you feel pressure to be uh unique and hey too many questions bring on the empty suits back you know yeah because what is it I mean if you want to break it down psychologically mother England the founding father's issues and it all ends up I mean or you could go forget about uh Freud car young right CU Steve jobs here what I realize I mean once again in over my head but pretending I'm not but archetypes oo well that's the easy one anyone can say young archetypes but thank you um you know what I'm saying um I don't like saying the first name of therapist but you're so much younger than me I can say it but I'm not going you know what I mean if I was going to Young I wouldn't be like calll what's going on how you doing hey sigment hey what's happening C dog hey BF you my BFF BF skin it um oh oh the behavior is like that [Applause] one yeah Mias probably calls his his patients nicknames and I came in what's up slick how you doing sit down badass let's talk about what's going on this week wild man this guy's the wild man over here what' you do this week huh you um the uh what was I saying do matter oh oh Steve Jobs Steve Jobs so here's the story Steve Jobs important because Steve Jobs really if you look at if you look at the breakdown of our society the Big M one of the horrible things about social media it made everybody feel like they had to be intelligent that's one of the problems everybody feels like they have to be deep politically and one thing about our country I've been here my whole life that's not our brand where listen to me and I'm not talking about I'm talking about everybody that's France they're like 15-year-old kids the duopoly of fiscal federalism madonian you know we're the fun country we're the country you come over there's a barbecue put you in a headlock you know a little too familiar gra always have jumper cables where the country always has jumpering cables nothing wrong with that and we decided to be cerebral and political the past 12 14 years nobody used to talk about politics like this don't take my word for it go online after the show I don't care if it's intellectuals academics politicians anybody after three and four interactions it's [ __ ] you you dumb piece of [ __ ] that's not a sign of intelligent political discourse okay and this is why the internet because when Bill Gates ran the internet I give him credit for one thing he knew it was only for math genius nerds that's what the internet's for people forgot that math geniuses when Bill Gates ran it you weren't allowed to use the internet unless you had a math you do like eight math colleges they let you use the computer lock the door and you leave campus and nobody could use it even 20 years ago if you wanted to use the internet you had to go to a cafe by a cup of coffee and a muffin and three nerds would be watching you and if you on there for more than 20 minutes they'd be like hey there's some problem this guy's causing a problem right now and then Steve Jobs comes along I have a computer I have my own computer because of Steve Jobs so I'll tell you my math history in fifth grade I was like a math prodigy I'm not even kidding at the multiplication tables I swear Sarah give me any multiplication [Music] table 4 * 6 24 we never met before just this tonight I could do that all day with the single digit ones I swear to God but but so I was feeling pretty good about myself I was in like the top six out of 30 kids in the class and then in sixth grade they brought an x on the board and I'm like why is there an X in math this is you know what I mean math you don't use letters numbers and the teacher explained the abstract whatever the nature of algebra and I just remember thinking I'm tapping out I'm done I don't understand this which is fine I don't understand to this day algebra geometry any of it which is fine that's just how my mind works but because I can't understand that I probably should not be allowed to own my own personal computer not everybody's supposed to own everything it's like if we walked out here they gave us all helicopter licenses and said yeah fly around you'll figure right there and it brought the fall of Man because the fall of Man in the Bible is what this is why I say young fall of Man is the the tree of knowledge in the Bible right that's Genesis tree of knowledge all the knowledge in the world sound familiar the internet and Adam and Eve who represent us not supposed to have access to it only God is supposed to have access to it because if man gets access to it we'll destroy the world when we get access to it this in the Bible I'm not making any of this and but of course we want it Adam and Eve get it what's the first thing they do they get it they see each other naked what's the first thing we did when the internet came out looked at each other naked for seven [Applause] years and then this Steve Jobs who everybody said was kind of evil names his company Apple now if if he named it apple and he goes I named it after the Garden of Eden because of the tree of knowledge I would have been fine he goes no I named it after the Beatles record company nobody names a company after another company's rep that's ridiculous but um look that's what you know it's an inside joke with him and the devil I don't know but yeah that's the message technology advances we say the same seven deadly sins only now they're digital Facebook is Envy Twitter is wrath Instagram is pride lust gluty greet and sloth you know but uh well the time flies and Tower Babble is Tik Tok I guess I don't know um and um yeah because that's what's so sad like all these years later and where are we going and what what is our what is our final our identity going to be because ultimately The Last Words the Legacy the Epitaph of the United States would be nice we certainly broke a lot of things open but you know if you say that now people you're dumb if you go there's a lot of good things in America people like oh my God you hear the psycho what you where the capital you know and um I wasn't saying did you rush the capital I was saying I was playing a character never mind um but but um yeah because what's our epit I had a heart attack like five six years ago and as I'm in the ambulance on my way to the hospital my heart stops and I go [ __ ] like that was my last words that could have been my epit for life you don't want your life I'm not Avon box sale you know what I mean I'm not no nobody all right um like we were busy studying while you were watching The Wire all right but In fairness to me it's probably in the top five last words of all time motherfucker's probably number five number four is probably do you smell [Music] gas number three is almost definitely no let me talk to him number two could be I said the powers off relax and number one is almost definitely I don't think you have the balls but what a all last words going to be America what's our last because they're going to judge US History judges you and archaeologists going to dig us up one day and judge us because that's an archaeologist job is to dig up ex Empires and go oh here's what they [ __ ] up and they won't know what we were they'll be misjudged there'll be hundreds of years from now they'll be like I guess those Golden Archers must have been their churches because they're all over the place we probably misjudge ancient Egypt the pyramids might have been a fast food franchise of ancient Egypt I don't know the Dead Sea Scrolls might have been the CVS rewards points cards of you know of yeah CU our epit Legacy you know Rome had theirs venny VI vichi that was there you know England the son finally said on the British Empire we have Lo we will we won't if it ends it tomorrow we don't even have one they'll be like what do you guys want to end we'll be like um America if you can't handle me my worst you don't deserve me my best is I can't isn't that a Myrtle Beast T-shirt shop slogan like okay what's wrong with that that would be appropriate they end on a nice Myrtle Beach T-shirt shop slogan those things are kind profound sometimes in their own way anyway and all the historians be trying to decipher our meaning just like we do they'll probably be like what do you think they meant by 90% Angel 10% naughty do you think there was a they were very Celestial people I guess in many it says here they were drinkers with a fishing problem um they must have been aquatic people and that must have led to the demise yeah it'll be some s hundreds of years they they'll find the Lost Civilization call all the people together we found it the United States the first representative democracy the place where anybody could say whatever they wanted whenever they wanted and they'll be like what did they curate that down to for their last statement and their leader will have to go well according to this uh t-shirt we found this shroud that says they were here for a good time not for a long [Music] time thank you um oh thank you guys um before I leave let me tell you my my I'll tell you there's a few therapy stories I can tell you but I'll tell you about my friend Mike he goes to a therapist in New York who's a retired cop it's like 30 years ago the whole time the cops talking to my friend Mike he went to the guy a bunch of times he every time he cross his leg his ankle holster would show not my friend the the therapist something to think about sometimes a gun is just a gun all right thank you guys very much thank you for coming out thank you thanks thank you [Applause] [Music] diagnosis I think he has a little ADHD ADHD and a touch of autism sentence completion disorder because of ADHD adjustment disorder with depressed anxiety and M mixed mood it's an an adjustment disorder f is sort of it's it's like a dissociative disorder where he's believes in his own um Illusions yeah easy to say because I'm in Show Business to say narcissistic personality disorder I I don't know the Colin has a diagnosis I think he's on the other end I think he is a therapist crime uh I think the worst thing Colin could do is maybe not pick up after his dog in the park I mean he's he's a good guy probably fight somebody in the subway I mean I want to say murder right away of course everybody probably says murder vandalism strikes me as a vandal a crime of passion take your pick Colin would steal your wallet and help you look for it my final APPA sh you asked all these you ask these people that he's done other things other than SNL I don't know I I I've never heard of him until tonight I came I saw that's it what do you want from me super sweet guy uh yeah super sweet guy how about he didn't he didn't Pander even in death I think that's a [Applause] this

Channel: Colin Quinn

Views: 462,733

Keywords: comedy, funny, ymh, tom segura, bad friends, andrew santino, sam morril, mark normand, shane gillis, bobby lee, are you garbage, tim dillon, santino, theo von, joe rogan, stav, schulz, flagrant, ryan sickler, dan soder, we might be drunk, barstool, Andrew Santino, comedy cellar, ari shaffir, new york, david spade, soder, logan paul, live in austin, out to lunch, stand up special, standup, full special 2024, are you garbage?, dont tell comedy, rogan, jre, McCusker, colin quinn, 2024

Id: e-PGVxGEpA0

Length: 49min 30sec (2970 seconds)

Published: Fri May 03 2024