Long Story Short | History of the World with Colin Quinn | Stand Up Comedy Special

foreign [Music] [Music] thank you thank you ah sure sure [Applause] hi um thank you well it's good to see a little respect for uh me but also for history because a lot of people feel history is very boring don't they why because it is boring people say it's boring because people are boring and history is about people obviously it's going to be boring why are people boring because we haven't changed since time began that's why it's the same stories in the Old Testament and the New York Post scientifically we've Advanced a lot but human nature is exactly the same that's why nanotechnology can isolate a single strand of DNA and stop a global plague but we still need guards at the zoo so nobody tries to jump over the fence and kick the polar bear in the balls just to be a YouTube sensation we could show images like that with the Hubble telescope but we still need signs on restaurant bathrooms that say employees must wash hands nobody's tries to make a sandwich right after they wipe their ass but the question is why are we like this war genocide Annihilation with all the progress where's the progress Charles Darwin talks about survival of the fittest where the survivors all right we're not the fittest but it's something else about us and this is no offense we're the descendants of the pricks our ancestors are not the people who starve to death awaiting their turn that's why we're all still here we're not the F to use we're the aftermese we don't like to share even a hospital the one place we would share we all have people we love that are sick suffering dying no I go to the hospital to visit my aunt who's Diana Hospital go in the room another family in there with somebody they love sick and suffering I say hello to them pass the little white curtain to my family first words out of my family's mouth don't talk to those people they're [ __ ] you shouldn't have said hello to those people why not we think they took one of our chairs we had four chairs and they had two now they have three and we only have three and the nurses on the inside she's kind of a [ __ ] then then my aunt used one of her last breaths as they moved the TV so they can if they want to be like that so if you can't share a hospital room how are you going to share the Middle East you can't even hear the elevator you ever get in the elevator you hit 12. somebody else gets on one second later they hit eight it's like Jesus Christ [ __ ] on this elevator I'll let you in my elevator you see I have important business transpiring on 12. you've got some [ __ ] happening on AIDS I don't know what it is you seem like a [ __ ] person I can't believe the lack of consideration there's enough for everybody that's another lie being disapproved yeah there's enough for everybody no there's not mothers know this mothers understand this on a primal level because your mother goes to the supermarket picks out the freshest vegetables the rapist fruit for the family if somebody ever asked her what about the vegetables and fruit that don't look that good she'd be like I guess they're for some other family huh I'm here for my family I think you had here earlier than me next time that's how it works the supermarket exposes the bloody Battlefield that life is we have to casually browse through the slain remains of the animals that weren't able to defend themselves as well as we were that's who's that could easily be us up there and chickens checking out our expiration dates then you go to the checkout put down the divider sticks mocking your territory Sunday reached over you like you want to lose a hand get out of here every line is like that go to the ATM that's a serious place you have to get money for food for survival somebody takes too long at the ATM you start looking at the other people online thousands of years of DNA starts kicking in like if somebody is there a leader here or somebody going to do something or a tribe starts to form it's only a matter of time before someone's being flung around the ATM cubicle like a squirrel in a Rottweiler's mouth so with tens of thousands of years before the ancient Greeks the world's almost empty but apparently there's still not enough for everybody because you have groups of cavemen walking into each other's Villages knocking [ __ ] over trying to bang the women trying to steal the food so now you need leaders to defend yourself how do you find leaders just like today you don't find them they find you I still have friends that try to tell me they're in charge they'll say it right to you you need somebody like me to call you on your [ __ ] thank you that's just what I felt was lacking in life was a covertly hostile marginal friend who supervised my behavior thanks friend Winks hello when he sees me like that we're grown man he's like what are you the captain of the football team I'm the Freshman cheerleader oh God he noticed me I'm like yourself laughs but back then it's before language skills but you knew who was going to run things because their posture told you where they were in evolution these guys got their asses kicked by those guys Got the Beat Down by them guys got knocked out by this guy because obviously he's in charge he's standing there like that everybody else has the body language of a blogger now this guy's in charge he's like the food's gonna go over here all right weapons here we're gonna go to the bathroom over here and I can't believe I still have to say this if you're going to touch the food after you go to the bathroom you wash your hands please 20 000 BC do we have to put up a sign come on get it together everybody's on board except there's always the one guy who's got the defiant stance like that like I don't know the leaders that give a problem you want to say something nah man you know everything I guess do your thing you know they end up in a fight to the death and you still have friends to this day you'd like to kill for their body language your friends would stretch when you're trying to tell them a story you know because that always makes you feel important you know you're not enough they have to multitask to make you worth their while go ahead man I'm listening go ahead I'm gonna let my sister try to kill herself that's [ __ ] up oh I'm glad you can incorporate it into your workout because that'll be a double tragedy she killed herself and you pulled a muscle running in the park I don't know if I could live with the survivor's guilt on that combination some people just never evolved to what language matters they act everything out they grab you and they're talking about grabbing somebody or they poke you they always have a story where they reenact something on you but people are walking by don't know you and not the actual person ha they always raise their voice at the wrong time I told the guy I said you don't touch a seven-year-old boy you pervert oh people are walking by what did he just say to that guy over there I don't care if he was his uncle you don't get in a bathtub all right um let me explain to these passerby I'm an actor in your story playing the part of the child molester and this week I was the jerk off at the dry cleaner it's a Repertory company really and you know so it goes on like that through the Sumerians the Babylonians the Old Testament mindless brutality and Instinct until finally one guy coming home from another brutal battle stops at a lake to get a drink of water looks down sees his reflection in the lake he's got a bloody beard he's got animal skin human gristle he's got a necklace with eyeballs on it he's like wow is this how I'm coming across the people [Music] because this is not who I am I'm a good person [Applause] [Music] [Applause] we decided we wanted to see ourselves for who we really were and that was the first Awakening the ancient Greeks ancient Greeks first ones to say an unexamined life is not worth living they don't tell you what we found out and examine life not that fascinating either and you've examined your life as we have you realize you're not going to be Stephen Hawking Ryan Seacrest whatever that dream is and we've over examined our lives at this point U.S can be the instant question how are you I'm six days off sugar thank you for asking I'm getting closure on a toxic relationship I'm healing from an unresolved childhood issues great welcome to Walmart was what I was going to say but and the Greeks first great realization you have to be able to blame your problems on some outside forces you have no control over they came up with the myths the gods that wasn't me I wasn't late Kronos the god of time told me to make a left at the Acropolis and that wasn't me that was Aphrodite the Goddess of love she told me to sleep with both Aesop Brothers at the same time I wasn't being a [ __ ] and I think she was vicariously through me I think she's banging Zeus I talked to the Oracle and our outside forces we have no control over our ethnicity that's not me that's my Latin blood that's my Jewish guilt that's my Irish temper well people just say their ethnicity like that explains it all I'm half Dominican half Italian what do you expect right well what do you expect really no but but the myths didn't cover it all so the Greeks had to invent theater and the average Greek child was watching 40 hours of plays a week you know and the parents didn't like it but the kids are glued to it what can you do and some but with plays you could gossip about your neighbors publicly without being called on it so if Oedipus wanted to approach Sophocles after the play Sophocles interesting play there now thank you Oedipus yeah was that one guy supposed to be me or something not really oh because I [ __ ] my mother and I killed my father so you can understand why I might yeah but that was a compilation of a lot of people I've known you'd be surprised how many people did some variation um Oedipus is like but at least they watched nobility epic plays kings and queens Antigone on her knees crying over the loss of her dead brother no we watched Snooki on her knees crying over the loss of her cell phone no no my freaking cell phone I hate this house my cell phone's gone I swear to God I hated it oh no wait a minute I found it it was in my hand don't worry about it because back then everybody wanted to be deep everybody wanted to be a philosopher a poet a playwright throughout history there's been this unspoken competition smart guys versus tough guys for who's going to be popular with the girls Society in general so smart guys did well the Age of Reason the Renaissance tough guys the Machine Age the Industrial Revolution even today this guy works for Google that guy's got a Harley a neck tattoo of a handgun girls are still conflicted about which one makes a better life partner let's be honest ladies but you know but back then it was the smart guys but like anybody else they couldn't just be smart they had to start showing people they were smart suddenly they come up with the poses they're like this you know that one people like oh he's good look you know they started to feel like they transcended human behavior and ego but they were passive aggressive and competitive just like anybody else when Socrates died one of his last statements was I know now that I know nothing kind of a dick move right because you're the greatest philosopher everybody knows that you're dying all these other philosophers still alive you're like oh it's all [ __ ] anyway you know these guys have to do damage control just to make a living now you know people are coming up is that it was it all no no I know what he meant by that we talked about it you know it's similar to something I once said you're never in the same river twice you know I'll be talking about it tonight at the Parthenon two shows four drachmas Amphitheater South City of course and but the Greeks made the same mistake that we make they continued to do the same thing even after it stopped working you can't think your way out of everything and we do the same thing example of economic collapse all the great economists get together every year have these giant Summits conferences none of them see this collapse coming why because they hold the economic Summits in Davos Switzerland so that's Plato's Cave that's Plato's Cave Theory right there because Plato's Cave theories if you live in the cave or you see is Shadows that's your reality see the whole economic Summits in Davao Switzerland that's going to be a reality the economists are out all day they come back to the hotel I was out don't worry the economy's fine I was talking to people and walking around everything runs on time I don't know picked up the swatch for a pretty good prize if the whole economic Summits in Haiti they would come back to the hotel shut it down I don't know what we're doing but it's not working so whatever we're doing it's all yeah your reality is based on your perception your angle of what you see of course like Aristotle the other of The Big Three Philosophers brilliant guy but he believed that slavery existed because some people are meant to be slaves of course he did because he's successful all successful people believe there's a rhyme and reason to the universe things happen the way they're supposed to more or less they you know you're successful friends they lecture you they point right in your face listen to me you make your own luck in this world that's when you hope a bullet ricochets off a wall and catches them right in their neck I go lucky for me were there I was going to get shot but your throat got in the way and saved me at the last minute I still have friends who try to make me their slave dictator friends they give you a little assignments when you go out you think you're out as equals no they're like hey don't let me forget my jacket seriously I'm leaving it right there that's a new jacket okay keep an eye on I got it you go over there and drink and socialize I'll watch your jacket and uh should be a night to remember I have friends that call me wake me up I just woke up to to put me to work hey man how is it out they steal your windows last night or what happened then how's traffic let me get in the chopper and I'll get back to you were you talking to somebody a third person's name comes up hey when you see him say hello for me will you really in the age of texting you still need me to act as a messenger and Olivia holos on foot is that it I give him my best is that your best a message from me to them that's you so the Greek Empire ultimately failed because you can examine yourself all you want none of us ever see ourselves the way we really are or the way other people see you what do we do we let our mind take our worst qualities twist it into a good quality I realize my worst quality I'm too nice that's what it is I realized my biggest flaw I'm too honest people can't handle I know what it is about I freak people out because I'm too good looking so people think I'm conceited when really it's the opposite I actually have low self-esteem from people thinking I'm conceited because of how good I look I'm the opposite of the way I am don't you understand I'm loud obnoxious because I'm actually shy and insecure so I try to overcompensate by being loud and obnoxious so people I'm violent because I'm afraid so I cover up my fear with violence I shove people to the ground because I'm trying to reach out for them and I have a depth perception problem Don't Judge Me by what I do judge me but what I tell you I'm thinking when I'm doing the other thing I have a lot of problems I'm too nice I'm too honest and I'm too good looking so when I walk out the door in the morning I've already got three strikes against me [Music] [Applause] [Music] so the search for the self didn't work and while the Greeks were busy thinking the Romans came in conquered them and said what do you think about that so now the smart guys have to lay back for a while the tough guys are running things and the Romans tough guys legitimate Builders didn't do a lot of questioning didn't like questions Italians Italians don't like questions some philosophers walk up to a group of Romans what is the nature of man what are you a cop the first Port City the first Port City was wrong right outside of Rome so it's the first International Port all the countries that existed sailing there to trade so 50 different languages are being spoken so these guys Lauren shoreman had to come up with a universal language that everybody could understand and communicate with which they did by the way the gestures that they still use today after a few trips into Port people started to realize this meant what are you breaking my balls for I told you you don't Dr boat here I wasn't working last night I didn't take no golden calf don't even look at my direction yeah all right I recognize you I didn't know who you are now you could leave the boat and here's your marble away you know I wish you'd come off that boat and say that to my face I crack them over the head with a Doric column right now this kid they were the first skilled laborers the Romans by which I mean they got paid for labor before that all labor was done by slaves so these guys wanted to differentiate between themselves and slaves because they're proud Union Local xvii whatever and thank you so they watched the slaves and they noticed when the boss told the slaves everybody back to work slaves jumped back to work scared so these guys to differentiate came up with the Union pause so when the boss told them everybody back to work yeah what was I saying talk to Romulus and Remus and um I don't know it's got to be like an arch or something like that you figure it out get back to me all right let me get back to work like it was their idea let me get back to work let me go see what this prick wants over here because they realize the boss has to be a prick you gotta have constant criticism cultural construction you have to criticize everything criticize what you're working on is Tunisian marbley [ __ ] to begin with by the way I told them Carthage but they don't listen to me I've only been doing this 12 years what do I know and they criticize the guys that did it before you these [ __ ] put it in backwards let me show you right here and then you criticize the boss yeah Marcus if his last name was an irelius he's down here cleaning aqueducts of the rest of us trust me but it was a glorious time for Rome you know it was the beginning of the mob they all had that they had that Ray Liotta Swagger you know you see Caesar Caesar couldn't have been more than 28 or 29 at the time but he was already a legend he started out doing hits for the legions you see it's never bothered Caesar but what Caesar like to do would Caesar really like to do with steel he was the kind of guy that rooted for the Lions and the Gladiator fights hundreds of guys depended upon Caesar and he got a piece of everything they made it was tribute just like in the old country and all they got from Caesar was protection against other guys who were trying to rip them off and that's all the Roman Empire was the police department for guys that couldn't go to the other Empires see Caesar had it down to his system he'd have the tribunes invade a province than when the consul came to Caesar sees it make him a partner now the guy's got Caesar for a partner and he problems he can come to Caesar slaves Revolt come to Caesar vandals invade you come to Caesar Chariot drivers want to go on strike you come to Caesar but now the guy's got a pace he's here every month no matter what crops failed [ __ ] you pay me plague of locusts [ __ ] you pay me God gets mad kills the firstborn son in Every Family [ __ ] you pay me and then finally when there was nothing left and they'd squeezed every last dime out somebody lit a match and they burned Rome down for the insurance money [Applause] [Music] [Music] so now for the next 800 years until the Renaissance the Holy Roman Empire which is really just overcompensating for the Roman Empire's decadence because they saw what happened in the Roman Empire the orgies vomitoriums the killing of Christ the total Destruction reduced to Rubble so the Holy Roman Empire was like the children of Alcoholics they saw what that lifestyle did to the parents so they rebelled by wearing Purity Rings listening to Christian rock and the Holy Roman Empire is about priests Martyrs morality plays and jewelry jewelry a big part of it because it's all these big guys in red robes wearing the Iced Out baller bracelets you look at a picture of Saint Peter's Basilica from the Middle Ages it looks like a Death Row Records release party from 1997. they're like yo monsignia medallions fat kid where you got that you know we took that from the Mongol horde that's how we do when having your own son you know they make it we take it and morality plays were very big because you remember something these are very simple primitive people so they'd have a problem in society they'd write a play about it give the play a happy ending and feel like that solved the problem in society of course we do the same thing with all movies where the white teacher goes in the hood and the kids learn from her and she learns from them and gets the Academy Award every five years everybody feels good I'd like to be in one of those movies I know them so well I got my briefcase in my sweater enthusiastic the first day but all the other teachers already jaded they're like smoking and they change his Lounge you know these kids are animals who can't help them that's not true you know you just gave up then I go into the classroom at first even the kids don't like me the girls in the back like I didn't learn nothing for this white cage up then I start dropping knowledge so they understand learning can be like relevant to them and kind of hip I'm like you kids are always talking about gangsters right well let me tell you what somebody else used to be a gangster you didn't know as a gangster Albert Einstein is a gang but you don't even know that because you don't pay attention you know you know yeah only he didn't have to use a gun like you cowards used a microscope to get through to people you know what I don't really make sense but uh you know you kids call each other pimps you don't even know one of the greatest pimps of all time James Monroe when he pimped Europe out of half of a miracle the Monroe document yo that's fascinating yeah that's fascinating now they're enthusiastic about learning you know so now we're finally after study we're ready to go to the white school for the big debate up against the white school you know but then my kids never been out of the hood so they're kind of nervous and uncomfortable they're in a white school like straight Thug and robbing people knocking lockers I'm like stop being so uncomfortable while we're here please you know but then my worst Thug has to give a speech at the end that combines what I've taught him with what he learned from his own life experience it makes everybody cry and we win the debate he's like yo I guess in many ways Copernicus nobody believed him that's like nobody believed me to excuse me shoplifting I ain't even do it that time you know I never liked snitches but I realized this country got saved by a snitch Paul Revere when he said the British was coming technically he was snitching but no we win the debate then we go back to our school triumphant but it's bittersweet because I'm leaving at the end I'm like kids we learned a lot from each other we saw the racial problem but I got you know I'm leaving at the end of the year you know now the kids are like no we love you Mr Cool you can't leave you know like I know I love you too but I got a job at that white school now wait a hold on that's not why we went over there now that's not why we went over there that was a coincidence I put applications in about 22 schools and it just that one pop up the kids don't know the school system works and then of course you have the uh the martyrs the other Holy One Empire the Martyrs Catholic martyrs I admired them they died for their faith they got shot by arrows pulled apart by horses drowned burned alive I'm sure they loved it too to a certain extent because they're Martyrs Martyrs and martyrs you know that's what they live for you know you're more they're friends every time you see them something just happened you do not want to know how I got down here today all right that's how these Martyrs were they'd come in I came to galatia because Saint Paul called me I said Paul I call him Paul I said Paul what can I he said you're I said all right I'll come I'm not supposed to travel I got the slip disc I'm working on three hours sleep I still got the leprosy and Saint Damian who's gonna heal me it's the only day he could see me it doesn't matter I'm here for you I'm here for you I'm a vessel for Christ that's all I'm just a vessel and Greece the other great invention of the Holy Roman Empire the priest and another great example of doing the same thing the same way even after it stops working I guess police could fall into that category to this day despite the billions of dollars they paid out in lawsuits there are hundreds of headlines you're still supposed to go in the dark and booth and tell you deepest erotic thoughts to a guy that might have a poster of Justin Bieber up in the rectory I mean but now you know why the Penance was so lenient to all those years in the church because you think you're horrifying them with your sins I eat meat on Friday I touch myself in pure thoughts these guys are sitting there like that's it do you have any idea what's going on around here on a daily basis ten Hail Mary's ten All fathers get out of here amateur nights you know but it's easy to go after religion of course anybody can do that religions under attack but religions don't help their case they don't do themselves any favors because every religion prays into the negative stereotype of that particular religion Catholicism obviously maybe we'd like to lose the kneeling for a couple of years until things calm down I mean come on how about the nearly waist-high mouth open at some point it's entrapment for Christ's sake [Applause] um then you got Judaism they pray scrutinizing a book like you just see them thinking there's got to be a loophole in here somewhere you know oh then you got Islam Islam prays like they know there's going to be an explosion duck fire in the hole everybody now [Music] [Applause] Islam around 600 A.D over to the east is where Islamic empire officially begins but it unofficially begins long before that Abraham has two sons Isaac and Ishmael Isaac he raises with his wife as his son son becomes Israel the Jews Ishmael he has with his mistress banishes him to the desert that son becomes the Arabs and that's why you can never solve the Middle East because it's not about land it's father issues Islam is still trying to pay his father back for kicking him out of the house single parent household race still angry that's why never got presents when they're little that's why gift giving is so important to the Arab culture you compliment an Arab on anything they try to give it to you I like your car you like to call my friend the car is yours take the cut that's silly how would you get to work you want my job my friend take the car to the job call the boss tell him to look for them how are you going to feed your family kids get in the car go with them until they're gone foreign because family is everything to Arabs family except for strangers strangers who's just as important as family because they had to wander the desert they had to depend on the kindness of strangers so when they see a stranger they're happy to see him to pay back and be a good host but Arabs when they're happy to see you it seems like they're angry and when they start to get angry they start to get friendlier and smiling so a stranger shows up there happy my friend I love you to come to my house you're at my desk just stay with me you must be hungry I'm going to give you some food my cousin will give you some food cousin give him some food cousin why are you refusing why are you making me upset right now you're acting like piece of [ __ ] and humiliating me and yourself in front of our guest I would like to bite your [ __ ] eye into 11 piece I write this means not you sit down sir you're my friend a lot of my guests I like you but he is a very bad person right here I don't like this cousin of mine unfortunate for him and of course the strictest religion you can't show any image of Muhammad or you know what will happen to you but apparently the same reverence doesn't apply to the name Muhammad because anybody can be named Muhammad and that's fine everybody can be named Muhammad this is my friend Muhammad my neighbor Muhammad his two son Muhammad I always forget the younger one I forgive me yes Muhammad thank you my brothers are Muhammad but he spell it with the you I get confused myself sometimes my cousin Muhammad say hello to Mr Muhammad cousin Muhammad why are you not saying hello it's not rocket science he has the same name as you even I'd like to boil your [ __ ] face right now to be honest and of course obsessed with Israel every Arab I know thinks about Israel a lot it's like the guy that broke up with his ex but he still thinks about it all the time Sam how you doing man good [ __ ] her oh yeah I keep forgetting you guys went out for a long time huh but you're doing good now you got the oil right I mean yeah I know it just makes me laugh because she's so screwed up and she doesn't even know it and it's like Israel is like I mean nobody knows what a [ __ ] he is except for me I see her the way she really is I don't even think about it you brought her up that's the only reason we're talking about is you know why didn't she mention me or something it doesn't matter it's like Israel doesn't even exist to me I swear to God that's how I feel now I'm over it and of course Israel the Jews haven't changed since the Old Testament they're exactly the same as in every chapter of the Old Testament that like the Jews of today they start complaining then they start arguing with their relatives then they debate God at some point because they always think they know the best way to do everything then they get turned into pillars of salt which is a Jew's worst nightmare because of the sodium [Applause] and everywhere the Jews go they got chased out immediately that's why shalom means hello and goodbye and peace because that's their story we're here we're leaving don't hit us why shalom shalom shalom and together Islamic there's still things we can learn from the Islamic culture like repression we could use a little repression in this country right now we're so sexually jaded a nude woman for thousands of years was the epitome of sexuality that doesn't turn any guy in here now nudity you have to have your own personal internet subcategory to be sexually turned on and they have every category drunk girls Stone girls hairy girls shave girls barely legal over 60 college girls community college girls that left school for a year to work but they're thinking about going back [Music] and Islamic law there's things in Islamic law that are great that kill rapists but they're just too intense they take it too far you kill rapists that's great yes we killed that rapist you know then we killed the red victim too that's yeah that's where you might be losing some people actually I guess on that part but the Islamic empire fell because they made the same mistake that we're making they tried to spread everywhere they thought everybody wanted to be them they spread to Spain that led to their downfall they were never gonna last in Spain it was already a half a nude beach by that time we do the same thing with democracy we go that's different everybody wants democracy no they don't they wanted democracy in 1960 yes when it was the Beach Boys The Mickey Mouse Club Jack Lemmon driving in the Ford convertible now democracy is Lil Wayne and girls gone wild not everybody wants that in their culture I hate to break the news to you foreign a millionaire musician comes out of Rikers Island threatened to shoot people just to keep his musical credibility among his peers he didn't see that in 1916. Tony Bennett getting up in concert just in time I found you just in time ladies and gentlemen you know this next song is out to that snitch ass [ __ ] Mel Torme [Applause] yeah when I was in lockdown I was thinking about your [ __ ] ass metal and you know what I said I said to myself let me catch this Punk [ __ ] slip and I'll empty a clip in the back of his head ladies and gentlemen him the gang at Capital Records that hold Nelsonville Orchestra all these [ __ ] that's where they go well our culture looks crazy we're trying to spread democracy to Afghanistan that's like the wild girl at the wild party trying to get a Wallflower friend Afghanistan up to dance it's like get up dance I Don't Dance you know do a shots I don't drink show your tits show my tits I just started showing my eyes two years ago [Music] [Applause] foreign [Music] so no religion can get popular without a medium to spread the message the first great medium the Silk Road a trading Highway that runs from Baghdad all the way to China everything benefits from the Silk Road Hinduism Buddhism the little pita bread sandwiches the Falafel and the white tahini sauce I like those all became popular on the Silk Road and a country that benefits the most is India because it's sitting right in the middle of it and it looks colorful the rest of the world is in black and white India's Got purple dyes makeup earrings thick shiny hair you'd walk across the border into India through beads like you stoner friend's apartment you know is this India yeah shut the door get in man and all these religious prophets are moving up and down trying to sell their religion to you proselytizing and people wanted something to think about because you're on a road on the camel for 800 miles they give you something to think about it's like talk radio when you're driving like hey you hear that guy said Arthur that was interesting what he said about the ego you know he's on afternoons three to six on a kyber pass I like him you know and salesman the first salesman which became very significant because they broke it open for the empires accidentally because they made people let their God down to strangers before that if you saw a stranger you'd try to kill him or you'd run but these guys came in they were likable they were complimenting you you know you never heard anyone say anything nice to you they'd come in look at this family I love this van look at him look at the father I love the look at the sun he looks like Lord Vishnu the brother doesn't he's got their nose like me look at the sister she's beautiful to the whole fan where's the mother get around here I want to sell I said hello to the sister where's the mother where's the mother that's not the mother that's the sister that's the mother she's the mother get out of here what are you people crazy what are you putting the water around here you look young you should be selling me for crazy and people like them they're like I like these people you know so they had their guard down when the Empire showed up they thought they were almost salesmen they came in hello are you a Salesman sort of no goods or services but taking everything you've got congratulations in our subsidiary of the dusty it's India Company hello because Holland came in and took over India they took India Public India is the first publicly owned company International they sold stocks in Venice I mean it was the first one because they took over India with economic aggression because they were small in Holland they realized economic aggression would work because military aggression had failed because armies didn't scare India because of reincarnation the Huns Mongols would come in there threatening will kill you and it won't be the first time I have died so do whatever you like you know but that is going to make you happy because yesterday and tomorrow it was the same word in Hindi Kala so they come in there Genghis Khan take over the country call the meeting with the head of the place to try to scare them we wouldn't even show up they'd catch them the next day where were you yesterday I came today to be early for tomorrow for differences that made yesterday is tomorrow today is last week don't you understand it is life's Paradox when you subjugate us you're only subjugating yourself to submit is to defy you see and to Rebel is also to accept so there is only the present moment no tomorrow no I'm sorry I brought it up let's get out of here these guys too verbal let's go somewhere the people don't speak even today reincarnate they worship the cow everywhere else in the world people kill the cow not just for food but we hate the cow because the cow's the only non-fony out of all of us not just human beings other animals bees beavers building dams spiders weaving webs birds chirping saying it's all just busy work so nobody has to face the emptiness of existence cows do no work they don't even smile they just look like you know [ __ ] this it's all [ __ ] that's what I think we get mad try to humiliate and pretend to put a bell around their neck like yeah this will cheer you up I got it now I got a stupid sound to go with my stupid look all right do whatever you want doesn't change what I just said it's still all [ __ ] I accept it though do your thing we love India in the west we try to be like India we love the language and the idea of it but it's not our nature we like accepting spirituality but we're just more aggressive we try to be like them I come here to yoga class to get centered I always put my mat right here who's the [ __ ] that put her mat and somebody better move this [ __ ] match oh it's from last class I apologize namaste [Music] [Applause] foreign [Applause] ly one country conquers India militarily because they conquered everybody militarily England the British Empire at its peak controlled one quarter of the world's population and land mass this by the way is a little goddamn country one of the smallest countries in history how did they do it it was not military might they had something far more powerful they had contempt they tapped into people's insecurities and their low self-esteem they would show up in your country polish boots beautifully pressed uniforms shine swords and just walk around really and this is where you live other countries were like the British are coming clean up but what is your company what is it going even the other Armies come out to fight dirty faces painted blue matted hair no shoes screaming with clubs uh Britain would take that moment of theatrical Elegance before battle oh for a muse of fire that would Ascend the brightest Heaven of invention and all all yesterdays how about lighted fools their way to Dusty death I'm sorry is that what you're bringing into battle we're like no man put that head on a stick away we look like [ __ ] I mean they'd break for tea in the middle of battle that's power right there arrows flying they're like oh it's four o'clock they just had a way of doing things but they became too popular like us they overfranchised quality control suffers profits go down they ended up with a bunch of weird bad versions of England like Canada or or you just see remnants of the British Empire you go to the middle of an African village there's a fish and chip shop guy's got a bowl of hat and umbrella it hasn't rained since 1837 meanwhile but trinidadians playing Cricket they don't even know why they're like I don't like this game you know just keep playing you know but I admire the British Empire because they the people around them were jealous of them they didn't give a [ __ ] to the east Holland never invaded him just stared at them with those blue eyes for 200 years that could be unnerving you know to the north Scotland Mary Queen of Scots is up there like a crazed Mrs Doubtfire chopping people's heads off you know oh yes there is to the West Ireland they made their feelings clear how they felt about Britain I believe writing 18 poems a week for 500 years about how much they hated them let me ask you this what rooms would get the book out of Ireland your British monsters [Applause] but to the South was France all these Savage Barbarian cultures and there's France with a cigarette her shag haircut or coal eyeliner just staring across the channel hello English hello thank you everybody wanted to be with England England wanted to be with France France gave him that great double message they do better than everybody like the two kisses on the cheek yes no calm go they drove the king mad the king would just stare across the channel oh France she'd teach the Torches to burn bright hangs upon the cheek of night the general or the war council come back trying to cheer they came up with all the other conquests my Lord we've taken the Ottoman Empire Parthia Sardinia will fall we've got the Barbary Coast and what news France no news my Lord no news they tried to impress France look at my Navy my castles the crown jewels France worked them of course it's all very nice obviously there's an attraction here you know but it's complicated for me right now you know there's other things I think England even left the Catholic church and started the Church of England to get divorced probably for France I've left her we can be together now nobody asked you to do this so don't put it on me and of course France lost their empire because of one sarcastic comment only France could lose an Empire based on sarcasm by the way just think of how much Bloodshed could have been avoided if after let them eat cake Marie Antoinette could have typed LOL okay so there you are ridiculous and England desperately trying to heal from the breakup with France they don't want to be alone starts compulsively conquering six Wars three inquisitions Palace Intrigue I will poison my cousin sleep with my niece I'm a sack ravage and pillage they get obsessed with fashion because they feel that makes them closer to France because France is so fashionable what have you brought me back from middle Asia Saturn silk Tibetan wool no not that Germanic cloak I look like a [ __ ] house crowd when I tried them the war council is worried about the king what do you do when your friend has a bad breakup try to get him to get dressed up go out meet new people that's what they did with England with the King my Lord let's get dressed up let's go out and put down that Uprising in the colonies yes but what to wear I know Red Coats my lord it's impractical will be exposed that no but it's a statement don't you see red we are your blood your blood runs through US mother England and so forth to it and they lost the colonies because my Lord we've lost the colonies really how well for one thing they definitely notice our Red Coats my Lord I told you they would also my Lord they had allies whom France which France not my friends England ended up drunk on the banks of the English Channel at three o'clock in the morning yelling across France you betrayed me I will destroy you I will burn your crops I just need to talk to you can you come out France is getting out of bed with Italy City it's only some boy who lives near me I don't know what is problem you know English why don't you take a hint I'm not interested in you you're drunk go to bed English but when you wake up if you want you may give me a call [Music] yeah and the country most irritated by all of this is Spain because nothing's more annoying than sitting by yourself on a peninsula watching two other countries make out Spain decides screw this we're going to get in some boats go down to South America hit the clubs they go down there they go for the gold state for the drugs South America is always all about the drugs starting with the ancient Mayans Mayans Pharmaceuticals the rainforest the Mayan priest was like the pharmacist people would bring their kids my kid you know my kid what's the matter with the kid you know it looks all right but I don't know he can't focus I got him in the pottery Circle next thing you know he's chasing an iguana well I got a new product people seem to like it I'll write your prescription for the third branch on that second tree right over there side effects may include constipation nausea vomiting Suicidal Thoughts and the Mayans disappear 900 The Mystery of the Mayans that's what they call it what's the mystery drug culture people disappear all the time that's what happened you're hanging out then they're gone forever you never see them again you don't know if they died they got locked up they got clean and they moved they're just gone you know nobody says a word and back then nobody said a word because all Spanish cultures are very fatalistic because the language is fatalistic why and because it's the same word in Spanish why because why now you understand because then 1400 up in Mexico you had the Aztecs but that's a whole different vibe because they're weed smokers so they're just sitting there in the temple steps kicking back smoking weed a bunch of Mexican dudes on the world's largest stoop if you will sitting there girls are walking by on the way to Central America you know Mommy you're my Great Dane where you going you gotta migraine you can't say goodbye you're leaving you can say goodbye you're going to say hello I like that 2012 tattoo give me a smile on my Wall's gonna end also you know and they end up like all pot smokers you become irrelevant you become a little obsolete you lose track of time when's the last time we accomplished something ah we built this Temple 300 years ago I thought that was about four years ago you serious right now then you had the Incas up in Peru 1200 coca leaves cocaine so they have a whole different vibe they have art architecture astronomy mathematics but they also have beheading cannibalism Human Sacrifice because that's cocaine gives you the best ideas and the worst ideas simultaneous [Applause] yeah and they ended up building a beautiful civilization based around the harbors but they couldn't even enjoy it because they screwed up cokeheads don't spend any time Outdoors they're inside the temple doing coke the entire time instead of worrying about the danger coming from out here you're worried about the danger of this guy doing more than his share of Coke that's all cool kids talk about I mean that cat does a lot of coke with the Incas we're not going to run out that easily but come on you know I mean I'm Montezuma no maybe okay I said but if you told me I'm doing too much I don't need this no Coke to have a good time you know what I'm saying what about the other half somebody gonna break out there finally Montezuma is out to get some air nobody's been outside for eight months meanwhile looks out in the harbor Spanish homeadas out there 50 ships hundreds of these conquistadors and these weird Acid Trip helmets and uniform we've got 30 priests holding up giant crosses staring at you silently it's like the kid that gets high for the first time he goes back to his house all his relatives are there for some reason Montezuma went back in you've been outside lately porque porque they got to surround it flush that [ __ ] on the Amazon we gotta get out of here put out the Torches you got a little bit right there be careful drugs kill them just like they're killing us same thing trying to be happy just like they were they were trying to be happy people say America's soft now because we're always trying to be happy that's why everybody writes books about our Founding Father saying our founding fathers be embarrassed by what we've become they were real men meanwhile our founding fathers are the ones that started this Dr Phil [ __ ] because they put Pursuit of Happiness in the Declaration of Independence no other government ever made it their job to cheer people up before that we were fine we're farming eating surviving but then 1776 these bases go but are you happy you know now that you mention it um I don't know that I am 110 happy and you brought it up now what are you gonna do to fix it and now people fix it themselves at least you go up to anybody what are you up to 20 milligrams of Zoloft for my depression 30 milligrams of Cialis because I can't get an erection because of the Zoloft 18 milligrams of concerta because I have to be able to focus to keep the erection when I'm on the Zolo combiner 300 milligrams of Wellbutrin offset the shaky leg syndrome I get from the Concerta and two ambient so I can fall asleep at night instead of thinking I'm a depressed man with a constant erection and a shaky Lake oh well thank you for shopping at Walmart [Music] so ironically while everybody in the Americas in the 1700s is pursuing happiness the world starts to notice Russia who's perfecting depression Russians always in a bad mood you ever tried to cheer up a Russian how are you doing what did you like me to say even back then what's my name [ __ ] but two and two together now you know Peter the Great Peter you must be great your name it's sarcastic [ __ ] that's mentalization that's why no Army could ever defeat Russia they'd go in there like any army enthusiastic ready to fight but after a couple hours just turn to each other I can't do this you know I feel overwhelming indifferent and like an apathy I just want to lie down they'd also lie down we turn into the poppy seed from The Wizard of Oz you know the Russian army knew this they made copies of Tulsa and dostoesky to further demoralize them okay they're right it is pointless there really is let's let's just surrender him but they have a good reason to be jaded because the one time they tried to be idealistic Russia they failed Marxism failed from day one by the way Marxism failed from day one because first of all Marxism everybody's equal nobody's Superior Karl Marx Frederick Engels thought it up together engel's even paid for it Moss came back with the Flyers and goes like all right rally for Marxism where's my name uh Carl I see Mark says him but it's everybody's equal nobody's superior but you know Marx was like I had to make the call I was at the printer we tried anglesism did that even make sense to you come on you now it is comrade don't call me comrade I met your comrade anymore [ __ ] but it's sad no system works all these Brilliant Minds never A system that works at all Marxism doesn't work communism doesn't work capitalism doesn't work even democracy doesn't work people go hey democracy is the best form of government how'd you like to live in the worst system ever fascism you only have one choice for your leader we're living the best system ever democracy we have two choices so we have one more Choice than the worst system in the history I mean no but the way we brag about it you think it was 50 choices and even two choices is not kind of Illusion because nobody votes for the other party and who's more hated than Ralph Nader for trying to start a third party they're like hey Ralph democracy never heard of it Democrats Republicans Coke Pepsi McDonald's Burger King you know it's a troublemaker Ralph Wendy's [Music] [Applause] now the 1880s European peasant class starts to get a little Restless European leaders see the spread of Communism and Russia decide that people are right we should be more generous let's share with our people what should we share with our people let's share Africa Africa have been around since the dawn of man but now Europe started to look at them differently like your friend's little sister that grew up and got hot they're going have you seen Africa lately I never looked at it like that before she had a lot of Natural Resources Africa of course easy to take over constantly in fighting with each other it always looked like six Brooklyn high schools letting out at the same time you know they're like oh you want to do something and they communicated by drumming which doesn't help that's confusion [ __ ] they're starting [ __ ] with us again I told you and Africa when Europe came in missionaries explorers Africa had precious metals minerals gemstones and Africa violated Street rule number one you never weigh your [ __ ] on the outside when there's people around you don't know just like when the rappers and the athletes go to the club whatever city they're when they go out to the club the locals stick up gang sends Scouts in to see who's in there they could try to Rob them when they come out that's what Europe did the Scouts came back and said a to or Pac-Man Jones Europe's like who's in there Angola's in there he's got on tungsten uh Sierra Leone's got on diamonds the Congo's got on uranium rubber what about Somalia no he ain't got nothing he tried to Rob us keep away from that crazy bad laughs and tribalism killed Africa it made them great but they kept doing it when it stopped working just like us dissent and debate made this country great but now it doesn't work we still keep doing it because we think that's what makes our country good now it's not even descent debate it's only just bad mouthing not just red state blue State who friends and family who do you bad mouth more than the people you love the most and when do you bad mouth and more then on your way to like a celebration of love like a wedding or something because you have to go see them you're driving down to a wedding band mounting all the people you're going to see the whole way down there just you don't accident do it in front of them and spend the whole time there Gathering up new material for the ride home right you ever do that you're driving back call Out full of people bad-mouthing the balls of all the people you just left then as you start dropping people off I don't know now you stop bad mouthing them because now it's their turn anyway they're barely out of the car like take it easy good to see you what the [ __ ] was that all about they're still waving in the rear view mirror you're [ __ ] all over them ah he's even worse than last year then it's your turn to get out of the car you're like I'm making out of this car thank you and no one's saying you shouldn't bad mouth people of course you should but there's a time and a place the time is nine to five the places work there's nothing else to do there but even there you can't be the first person in bad mouth because whoever you say it to use it as leverage against you even if they agree with you you can't be like hey that new guy Joe's a piece of [ __ ] they'll tell you have to act concerned like what's up with that new guy Joe is he cool or your friend doesn't take the hint I don't know he seems like a nice guy to me me too me too I just uh finally they give it up well he's a little pushy if that's what you mean it's close enough to what I mean come on in shut the door she is pushy I was gonna suggest you push him out the [ __ ] window after a workout now people bad mouth you on Facebook online behind your back in front of your face behind your back in front of your face simultaneously I'm talking about bite muttering I'm helping my friend fix his car so I screwed it up a little bit you know so I go I'm sorry did I screw that up he's like no I screwed up by trusting [ __ ] idiots I swear to God are you talking about me not you just Everyone's an [ __ ] I know that but foreign Zach ignore me man I'm just thinking out loud trailer yeah but it's hard to ignore somebody Thinking Out Loud because the other term for thinking out loud is talking so then I'm listening out loud hearing they call that one yeah tribalism killed Africa to the north yeah the Arabs Arabs and Africans don't get along even today not just the Sudan every time I go to the corner store Arab behind the counter African cabbie double parked they fight and they know each other too well so they fight like a married couple they go right for the historical jugular the Africans like you pay me instant Lottery you pay instantly this is why God put you in the desert nobody want to be around other people I swear to God and the Arab is like everybody you know Africa broke always because you never have money that's why you're better living jungle two more yeah [ __ ] and then East Africa West Africa don't get along I was certainly this West African so I compared it to East Africa like it's the same thing it went off but you know West Africans are French educated so they speak in essay form that's how they talk they give you the title of what they're going to talk about and then the supporting arguments underneath it's like East Africa is not like West Africa why first no infrastructure second leaderless people you know so I try to bond on West Africa I figure they all get along and aren't tribal disputes like I have a friend who's Nigerian I know this one thing if you have a friend who is Nigerian you do not have a friend why first the English colony [Applause] so Africa 55 countries infighting their polar opposite Halfway Around the World China always unified one leader one party one haircut always poised to be the next great Empire work was their only drug they could figure out everything except how to stop working starting with a Great Wall which I'm sure when it began was just going to be a war was the next longest wall in the world I believe is 14 feet [Applause] because any other contractor anywhere in the world would turn around and be like that's 14 feet that's a great wall China they work that's they don't pretend to do anything else they tell you here's your job that's the form that's your row you go down the road no vacation no sick pay don't even look around you want to take an hour off to have a baby that's fine as long as you put the baby in the basket facing the row so they can learn how to do your job so when you're ready to drop dead they're ready to take over and start to keep their own even over here who works harder than Chinese immigrants you go to a Chinese restaurant you never hear anybody going hey waiter where's my food where's my food your food's there anything that complains about the service in a Chinese restaurant is just being a dick American restaurants not even about the service we're a personality country care about this sir the waitress is just like you know another guest at the table hey come in hi my name is Chloe I'll be a weight person I hope you're having a good day I'm trying to but that's another story um foreign bottle tap sparkling Spring Water there's some appetizers but the chef's being kind of a dick tonight he broke up but his girlfriend um uh I want you to think about your drink or what I'm going to come back in 20 minutes to take that because I'm in the middle of a story with that table over there and they come they leave you're not even upset there's nothing on TV like I like her she's got a good personality Chinese weddings they come over they're not even smiling just with a pen and Pad like why don't you want because they don't care about me it's like their leader party family I'm a small part of a bigger thing that's their philosophy all philosophy is a similar incident lawsuit settlement I'm a small part of a bigger thing so my piece could be a little bigger as far as I can see yeah because they teach Community Buddhism no ego that's why you've never really made a conceited Chinese person in your life Mal true when he was putting up big post of himself all over Tiananmen Square like he's David Beckerman an underwear ad but you know they have the yin the Yang the two Polar Opposites for balance that's why Chinese people have that personality sometimes that Polo opposites they're the politest rude people tonight they're the nicest politest won't say a word for three weeks getting some old lady's way when she's getting off the subway old people because old people feel good because they respect only they let old people live with them till they die we put old people in retirement homes because we don't want to face our own mortality we even have the early bird special for dinner we'll give you a dollar off your meal if we don't have to look at you while we leave if you want to hit by six we'll give you a fruit cup so yeah China did everything right they always do their one weakness like a lot of Workaholics they love to gamble and they gambled with us on the big real estate credit to Falls a couple years ago they lost trillions we owe them a couple of trillion that's why every time we lecture them on human rights you can see it there you know when you owe somebody money it's always in the air no matter what you're talking about that's in the air that's how it is we lecture them on human rights they're like yeah I could probably help some of those people I'm oppressing if I had that three trillion you owe me uh foreign because they don't trust us we don't trust that they don't trust the way we work they look at the way we work the way we look at the way Europeans work because we look at Europeans like you take the month of August off of vacation you close your shops from two to seven for lunch we eat lunch at our desk China looks at us like lunch for lunch [Music] [Applause] oh [Music] [Applause] and they all came here America the Booyah base of the Fallen Empires thank you we took a little slice of the failure of each Empire and put them all together in a primordial still with giant food courts different on the outsides but it's one big kitchen in the back America where everything's backwards and upside down little kids are on leashes and pit bulls roam the streets Housewives dancing aerobics to gangster rap while gangsters are sitting on Stoops and hair nets and house curlers and we send all our jobs overseas while people come over here from overseas looking for jobs here but people still risk their lives every day coming over here climbing mountains scaling walls running roads to get a job at one of our gyms picking up our towels watching us climb fake mountains scale fake walls run fake roads they probably think we're making fun of them but we're not foreign we're just doing what we do we enacting Life As We live it that's what we like to do we reenact life we come home from work watch people work for entertainment what a hard day at work let's watch this guy run a drill press for 20 minutes what do you think what did you do today I did this but I want to see him do it too you know what do you want to do for dinner let's watch people cook and see what they do what do you want to do for fun watch people play poker they were in Vegas having fun do you want to play cards with me no you're weirdo don't look at me huh I have to watch these truck drivers not AC road is very important yeah the American Empire people always say is the empire in trouble we're not even in trouble never mind finished I'll worry about the Empire when I stop seeing magazines on newsstands how to lose those five pounds most other places don't know what those five pounds is yeah they're magazines articles how to find Foods how to climb out from under the rubble in five easy steps and a pair of shoes this guy has them we're still doing pretty good that's why we're worried about global warming you think anybody else gives a [ __ ] about global warming what are you going to go to the Sudan hey guys we know he's just getting cars and air conditioning don't use them for a while I'm serious right now foreign okay why not because we use so many It's Kind of a Funny Story actually [Applause] more Empire is not finished we have no Solutions if it is people say we have to compete with our kids it's up to them they have to compete with China and India and math and science stay competitive first of all the only kids over here that would have a chance to compete with China and India and map and science would be all Chinese and Indian kids but but even they can't because they're two American eyes once you have money you change you know people say we need more money for Education China and India have no money for education and they kick our ass every year money has the opposite effect studying is something you do when there's nothing else to do when you have money you're partying sexting when in math and science getting compete with sexing I'd like to see that day because when I was growing up we had was spitballs and half the kids failed because food too distracted by them compared to Memphis and ironically the only place it really still is beautiful clean air fresh beautiful mountain ranges clean water rivers lakes is Canada and nobody wants to live there but it's not me saying it just even when people sneak across the border through Canada into our country Canada goes we've got jobs here Social Services liberal immigration policy Health Care that's nice I'm gonna take my chance in a giant [ __ ] Ruby Tuesdays anyway but [Applause] it's just something about it it's like the living room with the plastic on the furniture you know come on sit down I gotta get going I don't know but don't feel bad for Canada believe me this is their strategy is to be boring so nobody goes up so they can stay looking nice and nobody wrecks it it's obviously they're not trying to welcome people have you ever seen the flag it's a leaf they're not even trying even the national anthem is kind of trying to get you to dismiss them a little it's like Oh Canada and you go up there they all speak French when did that start I'll tell you when it stops the minute we leave I guarantee it thank you but it's an interesting parallel because they're the same size we are got here at the same time we did but look at our country it's all [ __ ] up you look at a satellite photo of our country from outer space right now it looks like that old mug shot of Nick Nolte [Applause] it's kind of woozy the eye has all messed up you could tell it used to be really young and handsome and but it's still trying to party wearing a Hawaiian shirt hey party's over there cam yeah somewhere in the last 15 years we turned into the alcoholic drug addict brother of Canada they're always sitting there like that kind of looking not really judging once a while to have a couple emulsions get a little crazy put on some Sarah McLaughlin [Applause] all countries the guy that gets drunk accidentally spills his drink all over the Gulf of Mexico oh [ __ ] hold on a second and then you know when you try to clean it up you always make a bigger mess I got it I got it now you're spreading it around I'll shut up yeah but then I don't like when people use this and go that's why everybody hates America trying to be deep first of all nobody hates America any more than they hate anybody else how's that they hate the person next to them more than they could ever hate us everybody hates everybody in the world from what I can say but now because of globalization two countries get into it everybody else thinks they have to jump in the fight right now the world has the atmosphere of a bar at 3 30 in the morning yeah a couple of years ago what happened somebody just Sly wrapped us we're in a bad mood somebody hit us somebody comes in the ball the other country's telling us Iraq's in the parking lot he said he's got a gun we're like what he's got a gun we go outside you got a gun let me search you get over here I'm gonna search me I don't have a gun we know there's going to be a fight we start looking for our friends we look for France she's our friend she's not even in the bar she's in the back smoking a cigarette you know talking [ __ ] about us America have you seen her lately she got fat it's hilarious you know we go Germany you like to fight you have another fight in 50 years we're letting you back in the fight come on I don't wish to be back in the fight I have changed it's the last fight everyone gang up on me like England fight England wants to fight yes yes summon your sinews conjure up your blood cry havoc and let's slip the dogs of war just curious will France be joining us [Music] [Applause] then Australia backs us up in every war God bless those alcoholics first of all but oh no because they back us up in every policy we do and they don't have to back anybody up in anything because technically are they part of the globe no of course not I mean there's six planets closer to us than Australia right now you know enough is enough but they always show up for us you know how they travel 40 cartons of cigarettes nobody ever heard of and 50 cases of being nobody ever saw before and we'll get those color of 70s genes that are too short one of their balls is hanging out but you think it's a pocket you're like is that a pocket Australia yeah come on they're not even embarrassed they're like no worries no worries but they always show up for us America thank you I was just going to call I didn't have his number we go outside we're like come on Iraq we're gonna search you Iraq won't let us search and the whole world's watching like fight you know half horrified half excited you know Iraq dares us to hit him we hit him knock him out everybody turns on us you'd have to hit him so hard look at him he's [ __ ] up man well like the guy's got a gun relax let me just get the gun off him it's probably in his jacket maybe it's in his pants you know these guys carry [ __ ] in their shoes remember did he hand her up to serious somebody gets cereal back here right now I want to talk to Syria no the whole world is looking at us like America man what did you do what did you do we go [ __ ] it he was an [ __ ] anyway should have kept his mouth shut now Afghanistan we had a little scuff with them before they didn't want to probably Sly wrapped us they start going to America I can't kick anyone's ass anymore well like what'd you say he wants to come back over there is that it Russia goes don't do it don't do it I'm telling you I still have a limb from that little [ __ ] Empire killer architary Ambassador that he is you know what I mean we try to call the bouncer he's busy with Egypt you know the whole world is fighting Africa's in the middle of a World War for 15 years nobody even goes near it right now it's like the hip-hop club down the block even the cops are scared to go until emergency they're waiting for emergency services to come you know North Korea is leaning on South Korea's call when they come out to leave you know okay go ahead close up all right man I win it's like the weird guy at the bar you think he's really drunk or really high then you realize it's even scarier he's totally sober he's not even that big but he just creeps everybody out there's just there's a weird vibe you know you're gonna have to deal with them the girls are going that guy's creeping his ass you know you think it's with the Arabs but they're like no man I knew the guy when he was Persia he was okay but this I don't know the Sudan man I don't know this somebody calls the UN they're trying to break it up bottles flying Sirens people screaming and then Greece walks through the crowd can anybody give me a ride home I am broke thank you so we're a nice guy we'll give Grace a ride home and Portugal and Ireland try to jump in similar problem actually Des Moines if we get in the back would you guys I can't drive all over Europe you know you understand but Greece will like Greece get in some fight back there hugues yes it's a bad one Greece I got to tell you something out of all the empires to me you were the first and the best I based my whole democracy on you Greece you were ahead of your time you thought of everything before everybody well thank you but you're the hot kid now right yeah yeah it's been a good 200 plus whatever years although lately well don't forget what Aristotle said we are what we repeatedly do maybe you want to make a few changes eat a little less you could spend a little less yeah yeah no that's definitely not it but I'll think about it out of respect for you Grace thank you this is you huh America you've come a long way don't screw it up now I want Grace thank you that's good advice it's great advice look who I'm talking to the first and the best Greece you're a wise and ancient man thank you take care I love you Greece [Music] what the [ __ ] was that all about it [Applause] [Music] all right [Music] [Applause] [Music] thank you [Music] [Music] all right [Music]

Channel: Colin Quinn

Views: 428,038

Keywords: sal vulcano, comedy, funny, chris distefano, podcast, comedy podcast, hey babe, ymh, tom segura, bad friends, andrew santino, sam morril, mark normand, shane gillis, bobby lee, are you garbage, jimmy kimmel, tim dillon, santino, theo von, joe rogan, stav, schulz, flagrant, matt rife, ryan sickler, dan soder, we might be drunk, jre, Andrew Santino, comedy cellar, ari shaffir, new york, comedy special, best comedy special, stand up, history of the world, bert kreischer, vos, lol

Id: wXcZKRHnMVA

Length: 82min 54sec (4974 seconds)

Published: Wed Sep 27 2023