SNL Weekend Update Saturday Night Live January 29, 2024

thank you very much good evening everyone welcome to Weekend Update I'm Michael Chay I'm Colin Joe in a speech after annexing sections of Ukraine Vladimir Putin attacked the US for Satanism and denounced the many genders and fashion in the west it was a hateful unhinged speech which has many Americans calling him electable Senator Rick Scott seen here learning that Harry Potter has fallen into his trap announced that he is running for reelection promising to finish the border wall and name it after Donald Trump even though most things named after Donald Trump are complete failures this week Instagram was down for an entire day forcing many Instagram addicts to fill their time with Twitter Tik Tok or hosting SNL Fox News turned 25 this week and they celebrated their birthday the same same way I do by paying white women to say some nasty stuff the latest jobs report shows that last economy the US last month the US economy added over 200,000 jobs we'll see about that said Elon Musk this is this is interesting since Elon Musk took over Twitter use of the n-word on the site has reportedly jumped 500% it's the biggest increase in the use of the nword since the last time I stuck my toe Twitter is launching a program to pre buunk misinformation posted on the site but I don't know they taught us in health class that even pre-b buunk can get you pregnant wow the Senate voted to confirm Justice Amy con Barrett along party lines party lines is also what Don Jr does to prepare for interviews CNN has announced that due to budget cuts they are scaling back on original series and documentaries yeah apparently there was a flaw with a business model of giving Stanley tuci millions of dollars to eat gelato a zoo in Atlanta will allow visitors to carry firearms so you want to try laughing at me again monkeys Facebook's also denying a report that said using Instagram can cause users to develop a negative body image which explains their Rivals new slogan Tik Tock bring your fat ass over here Nike has official Nike has officially cut ties with Brooklyn Net star Kyrie Irving over his anti-Semitism Scandal Kyrie says he's so depressed he might jump off the edge of the world Google announced that it is cutting 12,000 jobs while Yahoo announced that it is now run by a family of raccoons Pope Francis criticized laws Banning homosexuality as unjust saying that it's not a crime even though Catholic Doctrine views homosexuality as a sin he also stressed that Catholic Doctrine views age as nothing but a number a photo taken of President Biden visiting with Jimmy Carter and his wife has gone viral for an odd angle that makes Biden look like a giant next to the former president even weirder when you zoom out they're all being held by Giuliani today today was the Santa Con bar crawl in New York City yeah the uh annual reminder that while Santa may exist God doesn't officials at Tik Tok are trying to stop efforts in Congress to ban the app by launching a campaign called project Texas because Tik Tok is their baby and they know Texas won't let them get rid of it police say that a woman who went missing nearly 6 months ago was found in a tent in a forest in Utah living off grass and Moss authorities believed the woman either had mental health issues or had read an article on goop the Supreme Court heard a case this week over whether a conservative e Evangelical woman can refuse to design a website for a same-sex marriage but honey I don't know any gay couple who's going to hire a designer with those highlights Disney World is closing Splash Mountain to turn it into Tiana's byou Adventure after complaints that it's song of the South theme was racist okay but where's the outrage about Disney forcing a mentally challenged dwarf to mine blood diamonds Disneyland's Snow White ride is being criticized because Prince Charming kisses Snow White without her consent while she's asleep which still isn't as bad as Universal Studios knew Cosby the ride after meeting with the Anti-Defamation League Kyrie Irving announced that from now on he will pretend to not be anti-Semitic Brooklyn Net star Kyrie Irving was suspended after he tweeted a link to the anti-semitic film Hebrew to Negroes wake up Black America you know Hebrew to Negroes was also the name of my favorite R&B group in the 9s Barefoot wine has teamed up with Oreos to create a line of red wine with hints of chocolate while I teamed up with alcoholism to give it a try a new report shows that female doctors over the course of their careers make $2 million less than men that's just not right I mean female doctors the committee showed a neverbe seen video from January 6th of a desperate Nancy Pelosi speaking on the phone with Mike Pence which to Pence counts as adultery in the video Pelosi said that she wanted to punch out Donald Trump and knew that if she did she'd go to jail and be happy I assume because she owns stock in private [Applause] prisons a new study finds that if cats were humans their behavior would classify them as Psychopaths while if dogs were human they'd get mewed on day one there are growing there are growing number of nuns who are joining Tik Tock to show what life in a Convent is really like cuz when the Catholic Church tried tries to connect with young people it always goes well well this will get you back a school district in Florida is investigating a picture posted online of students spelling out the n-word it's a shocking instance of Florida students being able to spell a new report lists the city with the worst traffic in the world as London England uh here's an idea maybe stop driving on the wrong side of the road just saying Kentucky Fried Chicken is testing a new dipping sauce called sweet hot Capital City Mambo sauce coincidentally sweet hot Capital City Mambo sauce is also what Jose calls rap music police in Oregon are warning residents about several hand grenades that have washed the shore on a beach the hand grenades were discovered when one beachgoer said Mommy look at this shell I found John fedman who was still recovering from a stroke and Dr M Oz met for their only debate before the midterms and just like in his puppy experiments Dr Oz showed no mercy fedman fedman began his opening statement by saying good night everybody it was a bizarre moment that debate Watchers called his High Point NASA has released an image of the Sun in which it appears to be smiling so if the sun can smile would it kill you ladies to try it in Arizona woman was arrested after she allegedly went day drinking while her 5-month-old child was sitting home alone like a loser I honestly don't understand why fedman was allowed to do this debate who's his campaign manager the Miami Dolphins concussion doctor and by the way it's not like Dr Oz did great he just did slightly better than a recent stroke victim at one point Dr Oz suggested that if a woman wants an abortion she should consult a local politician which sounds like a great way to get an abortion 5 years late and 10 million over budget I don't if you guys saw today Morocco beat Portugal in the quarterfinals of the World Cup it is uh yeah it's the best World Cup performance by a team of Africans since the unpaid workers who built the stadiums I Didn't Do It South Carolina lawmakers voted to add firing squad to his execution methods and I think it's nice that people will finally get the chance to be shot after they're found guilty Pennsylvania police the rest of the couple after they raided their home and discovered $1 million worth of meth for reference this is what $1 million worth of meth looks like portug Portugal's head coach decided not to start soccer Legend Cristiano Ronaldo in today's loss even more insulting at halftime he tried to trade Ronaldo for Britney grer but the biggest upset so far in the World Cup was that favorite Brazil was eliminated except for a tiny strip down the midddle

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Id: FYwyVZwBrps

Length: 10min 35sec (635 seconds)

Published: Tue Jan 30 2024